Original subtitles

Hey, hey, hey, hey! No!

I don't forgive you because what you did...

I know, I know. ..but I can't waste any more of my life.

Well, it's an apology. No, it's a quiche for intercoursing my wife.

Why did you with Dom? I mean, you can't have loved him.

Christ, no!

When we were...

..was I...?

Do you mean, were you better than your mum?

Oh, my God, no! No, forget it! Oh, no, no, no!

JANICE: Do you have a good support network?

I've got friends. Well, I've got a friend.

There's Billy. I want to take you on a date.

Proper date. One foot wrong and you're back in prison.

So don't forget that.

There are people who want to poison

my daughter's memory with lies and slander.

I was 17. And you were the grown up.

It wouldn't be hard to dismantle you.

This community has got us through the darkest of times.

We'll make sure we're not dragged into the darkness again.

MANDY: Once upon a time there were three little piggies who were just

trying to live their lives.

But the Big Bad Wolf wanted to destroy them.

He couldn't help himself.

The first little piggy built a house of straw and tried to live in it.

But the Big Bad Wolf wanted to eat her up, so he blew the house down.

She tried to run away but he found her.

She was his now and he was going to eat her slowly, a bite at a time.

The second little piggy built a house of sticks

but he ran that over in his car.

Tried to kill her, the bastard.

But thankfully she got away.

The third little piggy was fed up.

He'd ruined her childhood, taken her virginity,

so she built herself a house of bricks and nothing could get in.

But he kept on and on trying to blow it down.

Until one day, she decided she had had enough.

Oh. OK? Er, yeah. I'm amazing. I'm on fire.

I'm powerful like a ninja and no-one is ever going to mess with me again. Where's Mandy? I don't know.

But do you know where her Wonderbra is? Because I need to make myself look more womanly.

She said she was returning my waffle maker but she's not at Cookfellows.

She, she was at the churchyard and now she's at the pier.

So she's on the pier. What? Well, you just asked where she was.

Did I? Yeah. She's on the pier.

Er, so how do you even know that? From her phone.

Are you...are you tracking your wife? Not her, her phone.

She loses it a lot. OK, so what is the problem?

Apart from the fact that you're a spy and I need to make my tits look bigger.

She should be in Cookfellows. It closes at 8pm.

I bought it in the sale and if she doesn't return it by 8pm, it's unreturnable.

I'd go find her but... Yeah, but you don't want her to know that you're stalking her. Not her, her phone.

Aaagh! It's a waffle maker, Mark.

I've got my first ever date in 20 minutes.

I'm making mashed potato.

It's my first ever date in my whole life ever!

Please? Oh, OK fine. Fine.

Did she seem OK? Where exactly, is she?

Well, she's at the lighthouse now. That's really creepy, Mark.

Don't tell her. It's really fucking creepy.

Thanks.

You're just as annoying as you were at school, by the way!

Thank you.

SIGHS Fuck's sake.

Mandy?

Hello? Mandy?!

Oh, Jeez! What are you doing here? What are you doing?

I'm looking for Mandy, not you. She's not here.

Mandy?! I guess it's just you and me.

No-one for miles. Are you threatening me?

Just stating the facts. Just stop it! Stop it!

None of this will bring her back.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't like you, you don't like me. But I don't wish you ill.

Just go home, go back to your life. I wish you ill.

Oh, Jesus Christ! Why is everyone hiding in a lighthouse?

If you go near my daughter again, I will fucking...

It was cold, she was walking home.

SHE SCOFFS I was being a gentleman.

Look, I know what you're doing. You're trying to mess with my head.

She reminded me of you. You fucking arsehole!

Rise above him, Mandy! You're a bully! A horrible, horrible... Yes, he is. He is but...

I'm good friends with the school governors.

I think I'm going to have a word with them,

suggest you take some time off.

Unstable, danger to the school.

BEEPING Stop it! Oh, God, she's hungry.

I will, I will feed her later.

Can you just leave her alone?! We have to make peace.

Little whore. Oh, come on!

You WOLF! Guys, Enough! OK? Enough!

Mandy, go home, I need to borrow a Wonderbra.

And, John, I'm going to start calling you John,

just stop it, drop it.

You used to make a mean lasagne.

Be that guy, be lasagne guy.

Not this super villain.

Hey, look, I know that you suffered a terrible tragedy at my hands,

but don't you worry, I am paying for that every second of my life.

You, you're a free man, you can go... Free?!

How dare you? You can never escape grief.

I know, I know. Believe me. I know.

And I...I will never stop being sorry for the grief that

I have caused you.

But you can do better than this.

Don't get stuck in this.

We have to live our lives as best we can.

For her. For Lara. Yes, yes!

Yeah? OK, come on. Let's, let's go home.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry. Shit.

Ah, Billy, hi, yeah, I'll be there in 20.

I've never been more excited in my life.

MANDY GASPS

Mandy, what...what the fuck?! Whoo... whoops!

Whoops? Er... I need a spliff.

I...I need a spliff. Why did you do that?

He...he smirked. He smirked? And...and smirking is fucking awful.

Oh! Oh, is he dead?

No, he might not be. I think he is. Oh, my God!

No, don't! Don't touch him! I'm not going to touch him!

OK, OK! If I go anywhere near him, I am in prison for life, do you understand?

I've already done that once for you and I'm not doing that again.

It was a mistake. You fucking killed him.

It was a slap. You smashed his face in.

He smirked! Oh, my God, fuck! Anyway, he...he might just.

He might be sleeping.

He's not sleeping, you crazy fucking idiot!

Look, don't you be angry with me and don't shout at me

because I am your best friend.

You are officially the worst best friend in the world ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. No, sorry, that is not fair...

You have just killed someone in front of your best friend

who has been in prison for killing our best friend.

Do you have any idea how bad that is?

I need...I need... I need a wee. A wee? Oh, my God, Mandy!

Oh, God. Christ!

I've got money, let's go to Thailand. No!

Car! Er, I've got the car!

We, we can drive off like Thelma and Louise...

Go drive yourself into a canyon!

I thought they got to the other side?

No! Oh, my God, they kill themselves!

WHAT? That...that is so sad!

Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!

Do you know what? This is your mess, Mandy. No!

Yeah, it's all yours. Call an ambulance.

I am going to go and see Billy because it's very, very

important to me and you have already stolen the first part of my life.

You do not get this bit!

Oh, Miri! NO! NO.

Shit! I'm sorry.

But you shouldn't have been such a prick.

Oh, OK. Erm...

Gosh, you're already in... Yup. Up early.

I'm helping the ladies with the food bank in the morning.

Oh, right. So you're officially back in the... Yup.

Good.

DOORBELL RINGS

What? Good god. It's 7.30pm.

Who could possibly be... I've no idea.

DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

Hi. Dom? What on earth are you doing here?

Sorry. I'm just, I'm cold. Go home.

She won't let me. Yeah, I'm not surprised.

I need a poo. Please.

Just one poo. What? I just...I just need one.

I've been living in my car for the last three weeks.

I just need to have a poo in a warm loo.

And then I'll go.

His lips are blue. Oh, for God's sake. Ah, it's coming...

Oh, oh, go on. In you go. Christ!

Well, thanks a lot.

Well, you let him in!

He was about to do a turd on our doorstep, Caroline.

He had pants on.

Surely they'd have held it!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Billy? Hiya. Are you OK? Sorry, yeah. I'll be there in a sec.

Oh, oh, oh. OK.

Dad! Has she been on my bike again? Urgh!

Can we just make her leave!? Oh. Er, Come in. Er...

Don't take her bike again. She's got a real temper.

Cool. Hey, thanks for that.

Whatever you said worked. What? Mandy's in Cookfellows.

I mean what's the use, you know, if the middle is gooey?

I'll refund the card. Oh, yeah.

Amazing. Amazing, thank you so much.

Thank God.

I mean, I know you thought I was being a pain,

but it was like £59.99 so you can understand that, er... Yeah.

Do you think she loves me? Er, yes.

Yeah. Do you? Uh, huh. I don't know. I'm sure she does.

I mean, we haven't been intimate in years.

MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS Ah, well... Ooh.

I mean, I know she watches porn. Oh, fuck. But er...

I am...I'm so sorry, but I'm running incredibly late.

Can we talk about - Oh, OK? That's right, yeah.

Just er, cry it all out.

Let it, let it all go.

Let it, let it all out. HE SOBS HEAVILY

Bye-bye. You'll be fine.

Er, I'm sorry, bye. HE CONTINUES SOBBING

Fuck you. Argh! Please, Cerys. I am so, so late.

I'm begging you. No way. It's the last time. No!

SOBBING FROM UPSTAIRS Your dad, he's...he's crying.

Why don't you make him a cup of tea or something?

Did you make him cry? Erm... No, no.

Just.... He needs you.

Oh, wow! Wow! Right.

SHE SIGHS

Oh! Hello! How are ya? In there.

Oh, I didn't think you'd come. Oh, as if!

Yeah! A scooter. That's nice. Oh, yes. I just really love them. Yeah.

Err... Hey. Hi. OK. Oh, How are you doing?

Nervous. Yeah, Please sit.

Wow, you've got some, some eyes there!

Oh, yes. Yeah. It's lovely. Thank you. Yeah. Ahh!

So welcome to your first date.

Did you hire this whole place? Yeah, yeah. No.

It's 8.30 in Hythe.

SIRENS WAIL

Are you OK? Yeah.

I was just checking if my scooter was OK, and it's OK.

Oh, right.

So then, many eyes, I got you this.

And I know it makes you gassy

but I just thought, you know, special occasion. Thank you.

Yeah. There you are.

OK, good.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

Are you all right? Mm. Yeah?

Just very excited. Yeah.

This is taking a very long time.

Well, you've been known to... Oh, fuck off, Caroline.

It's quiet.

Do you think he's OK? Oscar, you should have said.

I look ridiculous! Why don't you put on your lipstick?

You want to look at your best, don't you? I knew it. What?

You haven't forgiven me at all. I have. You haven't.

Those were words. You're still furious. I'm not.

You are. I am not! Yes, you are. I've felt it for weeks.

Oh, nonsense. You don't want to be near me. Ludicrous.

Cutting me out of your life with your silly campaign.

My "silly campaign" is trying to save the planet,

unlike your coven of ungodly witches.

Well, they're nicer to me than you are at the moment!

Oh, excuse me if I'm not in the jolliest of moods,

but the man who defiled my wife is currently defiling my toilet!

See! There it is! Fine!

I thought forgiving you would be easier than this!

It was never going to be.

It was just the beginning.

Mmm. Mmm, it's yummy.

HE LAUGHS

I erm, I have some news. Oh?

Yeah, I er, I bought an ice cream van on eBay.

It arrives tomorrow. Oh, wow, Billy! Yeah.

I had a plan to do that eventually, but maybe we could...together?

I mean, I know you officially start at the supermarket on Thursday

but in the future maybe we could be the Ice Creamers or something.

You know?

Travel around in our little van and I could fix gardens too and erm...

Well, we'd be free, you know.

And erm, we could be our own bosses and go on adventures.

But, do you know what, absolutely not if you don't... No, no.

It...it... it's the best thing I've ever heard.

Really. Oh, good. Oof!

HE LAUGHS AND SIGHS

What?

Oh, is that blood?

It's period. What? What?

Period? In...in...in your.... In your hair? Yeah.

It happens sometimes. It's on your neck. Yeah. How, how does it, erm...

Erm, it's from my hands. Mm-hm. Cos...

When I change my period and then it, it gets on my hands and... Oh.

And then I touch my hair. And then I touch my neck.

Wow. Yeah.

Well, you should just erm, you should just wash your hands more.

I should, I know. Yeah.

That is... That is a lot for somebody just to process.

It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Are you crying? I'm...I'm bad news, Billy.

Oh, come on. Just wash your hands more.

It's basic hygiene... No, you shouldn't be involved with me.

I am a shit magnet. Or just use hand gel.

It's fine. Billy... Yes? Billy...

It isn't period on...on my hair. Oh, thank Christ! Oh!

No! Listen to me, listen to me. Yeah.

You're not going to want to be with me after this. Hey...

But all I ask is that you believe me if you can believe me.

Please believe me.

This, this blood, it's... It's someone else's blood.

At the lighthouse, do you remember that you, remember you,

remember you called me?

And I...I hung up. Because behind me, Mandy,

she smashed Lara's father in the head and I think that he is...

Oh, God. And so I...I... I just...I just... I...I ran.

I left... I left Mandy to be, to be with you

and to not be near the scene because it doesn't look very good for me...

No, no, no. No, it doesn't, Miri.

Why does everyone around you keep dying?

I didn't touch him, OK? I didn't touch him.

And I was trying to make peace. And I thought that I sort of had...

Fuck sakes, Miri!

Fuck! Why does this happen to you all the time?

Drama. I'm sorry.

I'm going to... Hey, hey, hey.

I believe you. What?

I believe you. No, you don't.

Miri, I'm in. You're what? I'm in.

What does that, what does that mean? It means I'm in.

In for the long haul. Rain or shine, you know?

Dead people or no dead people.

But we haven't even, like, done it yet.

Like sexy stuff, we haven't done that yet...

No, no, we haven't. But we will. Or we won't, in time.

In your time. But, hey, I'm in.

I'm in, Miri Matteson.

You won't get rid of me now. Why? Gut instinct.

I think you're a good egg who's had some bad luck.

I...I am a good egg. You are. A really good egg. You are.

Shall we go and sort this out? Yes.

OK, it's been an hour now. No excretion should take this long.

It's ludicrous. We should check on him.

What? Well, I'm not going in there! We have to do something, Oscar.

He might be...dead or something. Well, why would he be...

Because it's been an hour!

Hello?

If you're finished, might we suggest you wipe up and leave.

Please. "Wipe up"?

I didn't know what else to say. Wipe up? Good God.

Listen boy, it's time to go.

Shit or get off the pot. Oh, that was much better.

Dom, get off our toilet and leave immediately or we're coming in!

Oh, God. What? He's slumped forward. What?

Christ. He looks dead.

Well, you can't die from... But maybe he's taken something.

Drugs. God!

Should we call an ambulance?

One, two, three.

HE ROARS

Dom? Thank God. DOM SNORES

Wake up! Dom.

HE CONTINUES SNORING

Well, I can see what you saw in him.

SHE CHUCKLES Bugger off.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Hey, it's fine. Everybody in this town's asleep.

He's gone! Thank God.

Mr... John! John? Hey, hey. He must be OK.

Maybe it was concussion?

Well, I did tell her to call an ambulance. Yeah.

She probably did that. He's probably in hospital.

Yeah, OK. It's good news! Come on, it's fine.

It stinks. Mandy did a wee.

John? Miri, it's fine. He's not here.

John?

Come on. Yeah.

MANDY: And the three little piggies, they were safe and sound.

And they all ate up the Big Bad Wolf.

And lived happily ever after.

I thought two of the piggies died. No, not in my version.

I hate the Big Bad Wolf. Me too. HER VOICE BREAKS

Why are you crying? Because I love you. And your stupid dad.

Me? Yeah. And your horrible sister.

I just, I love you all.

Shut the fuck up! I can't hear the telly!

MANDY STIFLES SOBS

# In between two tall mountains

# There's a place they call lonesome

# Don't see why they call it lonesome

# I'm never lonesome when I go there

# See that bird sitting on my windowsill

# Well he's saying whip-poor-will all the night through

# See that brook running by my kitchen door

# Well, it couldn't talk no more if it was you

# Up that tree there's sort of a squirrel thing

# Sounds just like we did when we were quarrelling

# In the yard I keep a pig or two

# They drop in for dinner like you used to do

# I don't stand in the need of company

# With everything I see talking like you

# See that bird sitting on my windowsill

# Well, he's saying whip-poor-will all the night through

# Just whip-poor-will all the night through

# In between two tall mountains

# There's a place they call lonesome

# Don't see why they call it lonesome

# I'm never lonesome now I live there. #

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