Original subtitles

I'll knock your block off, you big stiff! You're a bum!

Strike! You're out!

Elmer, here it is.

-I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink.

I wonder if any big shots are getting married today?

Looks like the same suckers get married every day.

Come on.

Hey, the guy with the cheaters.

Now what's he hiding from?

-Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic?

No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be!

The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true.

Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go.

Let's stick around, see who the guy is.

"Two by two they come and go"

Good morning, children. Your name, please?

-Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder.

Elaine Harper.

Thank you. Yours?

-Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster.

Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of.

I want to keep this undercover.

Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right?

You don't understand. Come here.

I don't want this to get out for a while.

I'm Mortimer Brewster.

You're who?

Mortimer Brew--

That's him!

Mr. Brewster!

Now, look--

Goodbye, dear.

Don't you understand? How can I marry you?

Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene.

I've written four million words against marriage!

Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn.

Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there?

A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--"

I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new.

Rice and old shoes. Carry you over the threshold.

Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to?

I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that.

-Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"?

Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry?

-No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either!

Marriage is a superstition.

It's old-fashioned. It's....

O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize...

...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn.

Now look at that old church. And them old houses.

Did George Washington ever sleep here?

Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere.

-And look at that old house. -The original owners still there?

Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters.

They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth.

They're out of this world.

They're like pressed rose leaves.

Pressed rose leaves?

The old girls must be kind of hard up.

Their old man left them fixed for life.

Don't you call them "the girls," either.

Brophy. Is Lieutenant around?

So what are they renting rooms for?

They don't. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room...

...they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.

That's their way of digging up people to do good to.

Reverend Harper, I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer...

...because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.

It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic...

...but no man with this published attitude...

...should take any man's daughter anyplace, at any time.

I must be catching cold.

No, dear. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. Bless you.

We mustn't be angry with Mortimer.

He's so very much in love with her. Sister Martha and I are so happy.

He used to come to see us only occasionally, and now...

...he's in Brooklyn six nights a week.

Remember now, watch your language.

You know I'm not a swearing man.

You'd be surprised what they'd consider swearing.

Will you excuse me? No, no, Teddy, dear. Thank you. I'll go.

-Come right in, Mr. Brophy. -Miss Abby, we came for the toys.

This is Officer O'Hara. He's taking over my beat.

-How do you do, miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood.

Gentlemen, what news have you brought me?

Colonel, we have nothing to report.

No, absolutely nothing to report.

Splendid!

Thank you, gentlemen. At ease.

You know the Reverend Dr. Harper from the church next door?

Hello. This is Officer O'Hara, the new man on the beat.

How do you do, sir? It's nice to meet you.

The toys are on the chair up here, by the library door.

Teddy, run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room.

They're all packed.

That's splendid work you men do, fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp.

Charge!

It gives us something to do at the station. You get tired of playing cards.

-So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. Brophy?

She's better, thank you. But a little weak, still.

I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her.

Please don't bother. You've done so much already.

Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.

Gentlemen, if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are...

...it's because I've known the Brewster sisters.

Teddy, you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore.

But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies.

Now don't do that again. Do you hear me?

He used to do that at night...

...and the neighbors raised Cain. They're afraid of him.

Look, Sarge, I promised I wouldn't swear, but what the heck--

What's going on here?

-He's quite harmless. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt.

There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.

That's right.

I'll make a note. He's an interesting character.

Isn't it a shame, Father....

Isn't it a shame, Reverend, that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo?

Well, now, isn't this nice!

-Good afternoon, Miss Brewster. -How do you do?

-Good afternoon. -Reverend, how do you do?

Miss Martha, Officer O'Hara. He's taking over my duties.

How do you do?

-I'm very glad to know you. -Thank you.

Martha, you're back.

Here's the broth for Mrs. Brophy. Be sure it's good and hot.

You bet I will, and thank you very much.

The Army and Navy are ready for action.

Colonel, this is grand. It'll make a lot of kids happy.

What's this? The Oregon?

Teddy, dear, put it back.

-But the Oregon goes to Australia. -Now, Teddy....

No, it goes to Australia.

-These are lovely. Thank you. -Not at all.

-The children will go crazy. -Don't mention it.

So long, Colonel.

Hey, Sarge.

Yes.

Dismissed!

-Goodbye and thank you. -Don't mention it.

-Careful of the step with the toys. -Good night.

Young man, let that be a lesson to you.

Goodbye.

-Well, I must be going. -Charge!

Charge the blockhouse!

Blockhouse?

The stairs are always San Juan Hill.

Bless you!

Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt?

-Oh, no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.

Do you remember, Martha?

Once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington...

...it might be a change for him, and we suggested it.

And do you know what happened?

He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.

Well, if he's happy, and what's more important, you're happy....

Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.

Yes, indeed. That is quite a problem.

Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy...

...to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on.

Splendid idea! A very pleasant place.

Dear, sweet Reverend Harper.

You know, Martha, I do believe he's beginning to see the light.

I'm sure we needn't worry about him.

He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine.

Did you just have tea?

Yes.

And dinner's going to be late, too.

So, why?

Good news for you.

You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal.

Delighted!

That's bully! Just bully!

I shall prepare at once for the journey.

Charge!

Abby! While I was out?

Yes, dear. I just couldn't wait for you.

I didn't know when you'd be back, and Reverend Harper was coming.

-But all by yourself. -I got along fine.

-I'll run right downstairs and see. -No, dear.

There wasn't time. And I was all alone.

Well?

Just look in the windowseat.

-It's Elaine! -Hello, darlings.

-But, Elaine! -What did she mean?

You don't suppose they've gone and--

Listen, buddy.

-This old cab has seen osculation but.... -You ain't seen anything yet.

-You've got to drive us to the station. -Take her hat.

Wait a minute. And her brooch.

If you find her hairpins, keep them. Hold on to that.

There they are.

Here's your hat.

Just throw it. I don't like that look in your eyes.

-What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday.

He did? What did he say?

-He was against it. -But that was only Sunday.

Please! For heaven's sake!

But, Mortimer, right out here with everyone looking?

Yes, right out here with everyone looking.

Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look.

But, Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too?

One thing at a time.

There's that look again!

"There's that look again, Mortimer! " You better get used to it.

You'll see it often. It goes just before this.

You know what we're doing? Wasting time.

I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your....

No, don't tell your father. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia.

I can handle Father. He's a dear.

Look, why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls?

Niagara Falls?

That's why you stopped at your office.

Yes, certainly! We're going to go the whole hog.

Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there.

You should've seen my secretary's face.

We've a room on the train, the bridal suite in the hotel...

...and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel.

Go on, darling, hurry and pack.

I don't have to. I started packing the day after I met you.

There, you see! You see?

That's what I mean. That's what I hate about women.

I wonder what Mary's doing now?

-The train leaves in an hour, hurry. -It'll be a few minutes.

-Father may want to pray over me. -Whistle when you're ready.

When you whistle, open the front door fast.

If you see a tall, dark streak of light, it's me.

What? Now?

No, not now!

Look surprised when he tells us.

Hold on to your bustles.

We're married. Elaine and I are married.

Oh, darling, how wonderful!

Isn't it wonderful? They're married!

Don't pretend to be so surprised either, you two old frauds.

-Can I use the telephone? -Of course.

Isn't it too, too wonderful?

And to think that it happened right here in this room!

Now, here.

Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster.

Did you send those roses to Mrs. Brewster? Good.

Send four dozen more to drawing room A, Grand Central Station.

Hurry. And throw in a flock of orange blossoms.

But before you go, we can have our celebration.

I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing.

And we'll invite a few neighbors in.

-And, of course, a wedding cake. -You won't have time to bake a cake.

We're going to Niagara Falls. A taxi's waiting.

It's all ready. It's been ready since--

I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her.

Did everybody know I was getting married, except me?

We knew you'd find out about it in time.

I've got the two nicest aunts in the world.

Of course, you've got the nicest nephew in the world, too.

Well, I'll run along and get everything ready.

Oh, dear. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry.

You know how your books upset him.

I'm going to burn all my books. I'll let the Reverend light the first match.

Did I leave some notes here for my new book?

You mean Mind Over Matrimony?

Where are they?

-I hid them someplace-- -Come along.

Now you behave.

Let's find them before Elaine sees them.

Hello, Mortimer!

-How are you, Mr. President? -Bully, thank you. Just bully.

-What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you.

Yes, I know. Isn't it wonderful?

Well, goodbye. I'm off to Panama.

Goodbye, Mr. President.

A new lock for the canal, you know.

"Oh, tell the news to Mother"

-Oh, dear. -Find those notes? What's wrong?

There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan.

You ought to put that in the fire with my books. My, what a face!

I remember now. He'd scare grownups with it.

Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me.

Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth?

Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.

I saw a play, had a character in it, reminded me of Jonathan.

Really?

A honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out.

Oh, dear!

Yeah, what a play.

When the curtain goes up, the first thing you see is a dead body.

The next thing--

Hey, mister.

-Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations, darling!

Never mind that now.

Now, listen, darlings.

You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale?

Yes, dear. That's after we're gone.

Yes, we talked with Reverend Harper about it.

Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. At once!

-He's in the cellar. Get him up here now. -There's no such hurry as that.

When Teddy's working on the canal, you can't get his mind on anything else.

Well, look, darlings.

I'm frightfully sorry, but I've got an awful shock for you.

Teddy's killed a man, darlings!

Nonsense!

There's a body in the windowseat!

Yes, dear. We know.

-You know? -Of course.

Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.

Now, Mortimer. You just forget about it.

Forget you ever saw the gentleman.

Forget?

We never dreamed you'd peek.

What the....

Who is he?

He's a Mr. Hoskins. Adam Hoskins.

That's really all I know about him, except that he's a Methodist.

He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice.

That's all you know? What's he doing here?

-What happened to him? -He died.

Aunt Martha, men just don't get into windowseats and die.

No, dear. He died first.

Wait! Stop all this.

Now look, how did he die?

Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive.

The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.

How did the poison get in the wine?

We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.

When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.

You mean you....

You put it in the wine?

Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the windowseat...

...because Reverend Harper was coming.

Look at me, darling.

You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body?

Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.

It's first-degree.

Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it.

I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.

Abby, while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Schultz. She's much better.

But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again.

We must do that, tomorrow or next day.

Yes, but this time we'll go where we want to go.

Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures.

They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people.

Operator?

Can you hear my voice?

You can?

Are you sure?

Then I must be here.

The dears. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them?

Yes, it is. They have so much fun.

Now, Mortimer, don't be so impatient.

-We'll let you lick the bowl. -Lick the bowl?

I don't want to. I want to know what we're going to do!

We're going to celebrate.

Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat!

Yes, dear. Mr. Hoskins.

I know what his name is. I want to know what we're going to do.

-We can't turn you over to the police. -Stop worrying about it.

We told you to forget the whole thing.

Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done?

Now, Mortimer, you behave.

You're too old to be flying off the handle like this.

-But Mr. Hodgekiss-- -Hoskins, dear.

Whatever his name is, you can't leave him in there.

We don't intend to, dear.

Teddy's down in the cellar now, digging the lock.

You're going to bury Mr. Hodgekiss in the cellar?

Yes, dear. That's what we did with the others.

Look, here, Aunt Martha. You can't....

-Others? -The other gentlemen.

When you say "others," do you mean "others"?

-More than one "others"? -Yes, dear.

Let me see now. This is 1 1, isn't it, Abby?

No, dear. This makes 12.

Abby, dear, I think you're wrong. This one is only 1 1 .

No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in...

...it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.

But, Abby, dear, I really don't think you should count the first one.

I was counting the first one, and that makes it 12.

It does?

Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is.

I get them mixed up sometimes.

Makes it 12.

Hello.

Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today?

Why, Abby, what do you think happened to him?

Hello?

Not now. For heaven's sake, keep your shirt on!

Elaine, I didn't mean--

Now, let's see. Where were we?

Twelve. Twelve!

Yes, dear.

Abby thinks we should count the first one.

Never mind about that. Just sit down.

Tell me, who was the first one?

Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist.

He was such a lonely, old gentleman.

All his kith and kin were dead.

We felt so sorry for him.

And then, when his heart attack came...

...and he sat there dead in that chair...

...looking so peaceful. Remember, Martha?

We made up our minds, then and there...

...that if we could help other lonely, old men...

...to find that same peace...

...we would.

Why, you poor....

You mean, he dropped dead right in this chair?

And then, you see, Teddy came up from digging in Panama...

...and he thought Mr. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim.

And that meant he had to be buried immediately.

So, we all took him down to Panama...

...and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial.

There, now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it...

...because we know exactly what's to be done.

Wait a minute!

Come here, darling. What about the others?

All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.

No, dear. Of course not!

Well, so....

-Mortimer. -What?

Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves...

...in Grandfather's laboratory all these years?

You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things.

You've eaten enough of her piccalilli.

Well, dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine...

...l take one teaspoonful of arsenic...

...then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.

And then, just a pinch of cyanide.

Should have quite a kick.

As a matter of fact, one of our gentlemen found time to say:

"How delicious! "

He did? Well, wasn't that nice of him?

Abby, we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night.

We must get that cake frosted.

Don't worry about the cake. I couldn't eat a thing.

You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite.

That'd be nice, darling, a sip of.... A sip of wine!

Wine!

I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this.

He's wonderful. Happy as a lark. Singing away, digging locks.

Got him working on a yellow-fever victim.

I can see the headlines now:

"Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page.

Let me see....

Teddy! Of course. Everybody knows he's crazy.

Let me see. Who can I call up? Dewey, La Guardia, Winchell?

No, Winchell's no good.

Old Judge Cullman!

I wonder if I got his number.

What am I doing with tickets?

Information.

Information?

Get me the number of Judge Cullman on North Shore Road, Brooklyn.

Yeah, would you call me back?

Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there?

Hey, you!

Thought you were tall, dark streak of light.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle?

Whistle? Oh, yes.

I heard you whistle.

-How do I look? -You look fine.

-Run on home. I'll call you up tomorrow. -Tomorrow?

You know I always call you up every day or two.

You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi.

-Come on! -I'm so sorry. Something's happened.

What'd you do, lose your nerve?

Where's that look I was going to see so often?

Stop! Don't whistle in my ear, please.

What's wrong? Look at your hair.

What color is it? Has it turned?

Darling, what's the matter? What happened?

Those flowers are so beautiful.

If I could only tell you, Elaine. You smell so nice.

You better go home!

-But, darling, we were married today. -Go to bed, get some rest!

Rest?

Who? Judge Cullman?

This is Mortimer Brewster. I'll tell you why I called you. It's about Teddy.

I've got to come over and see you right away.

It won't wait until tomorrow, Judge.

It's very, very important. We've got to do something immediately.

But it's a matter of life and.... Elaine!

Will you get out of here?

What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand!

-Anywhere, but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls!

-If it does, we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen.

You can't marry me and then throw me out!

I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here?

I'm sorry, Judge. A thing happened.

Judge, about Teddy, he's--

It's his bugle blowing.

The police want to throw him into a state institution.

How do you like that?

-I read an ad here about a room to rent. -Shut up!

If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself, we can get him to Happy Dale.

It's a wonderful place.

You will?

Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call.

Doorbell's ringing, dear.

How do you do? Come in.

I understand you've got a room to rent.

Do step in.

-Are you the lady of the house? -Yes, I'm Miss Brewster.

Operator? Give me long distance, please.

And this is my sister. Another Miss Brewster.

-My name's Gibbs. -Well, do sit down.

I'm sorry, we're just setting the table for dinner.

Now, this would be a nice comfortable chair.

Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium, Happy Dale, New York.

-Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Don't like it.

Are your family Brooklyn people?

-Haven't got any family. -All alone in the world?

-Well, Martha.... -No, Happy Dale.

Well, you've come to just the right house.

-Do sit down. -Dale.

"D" Iike in "dig," when you dig a lock.

That's right. "A" Iike in "arsenic." Got that?

Is there always this much noise?

He doesn't live with us.

I can see the headlines now. Please.

I'd like to see the room. I don't think I'll like it.

The room's upstairs.

Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up?

Never touch it.

Well, we make this ourselves. It's elderberry wine.

Elderberry?

I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy.

-Thank you. -Operator!

I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium!

Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes, like a broken record!

-Have your own elderberry bushes? -No, but the cemetery's full of them.

Well, skoal.

Hello, operator! What's taking so long?

It's only across the river! I could swim it faster!

Yes!

Hello! Hell--

What--

What, they're busy?

Busy?

They're busy and you're dizzy!

No, I'm not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea!

Darling, I'm nervous. Don't do that.

Not that.

Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned, murdered, killed?

They're nuts!

You're telling me!

Look, you can't do things like that!

Now I don't know how I can explain this to you...

...but it's not only against the law, it's wrong.

Oh, piffle!

It's not a nice thing to do.

People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand.

What I mean is....

This is developing into a very bad habit!

Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium?

That's amazing, operator.

Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. Witherspoon, please.

Mr. Witherspoon speaking.

How do you do, Mr. Brewster? How are you?

Mr. Witherspoon, do you-- I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale?

You do? Well, we want to commit him there immediately.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. That's too bad.

Well, I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet.

We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment...

...and it would lead to trouble.

Well, now, if he thought that--

Mr. Brewster, we're a bit short of Napoleons at present.

Bonaparte. And if--

Oh, I see. Of course.

Well, if your mind is made up. Yes.

Have you had the papers drawn up?

No, but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them.

Thank you, Mr.-- What?

All right. Thank you, Mr. Witherspoon.

Another Roosevelt. Oh, dear.

Now listen, I'm going to Judge Cullman's, but I want you to promise me something.

Well, we'd have to know what it was first.

I love you both very much.

You know I'd do anything for you, don't you?

Yes, dear.

I want you to do one thing for me, like good girls.

What do you want us to do?

Don't do anything. I mean, don't do anything!

Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. Whosit where he is.

Get off that thing. I can't talk to you.... I can't concentrate.

I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you.

What on earth could happen to us?

Well, darling....

Anyway, you'll do that little thing for me, won't you?

Where's my hat? There it is.

-But, Mortimer. -What?

We were planning to hold services before dinner.

-Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns!

Yes, darling, I'll sing with you, I'll dance with you, anything.

Remember, don't let anybody in the house until I get back.

You promise?

Good.

What?

Stop that. What is it?

Mr. Hoskins' hat!

-Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab!

-Hey, cab! Here you are. -Don't open it. I'll sit with you!

Yeah, that's right. I can go faster that way. Sure.

Wait a minute! What am I doing?

Fancy getting nice Mr. Hoskins' hat all mussed up.

Shame! Such a nice hat.

You know, Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today.

Oh, well.

What were you saying about Mortimer?

I think I understand why he seemed so upset.

Why?

He's just been married.

I believe that always makes a man a little nervous.

Yes. The poor dears.

I'm so happy for Elaine.

Abby!

If Mortimer's coming back for the services, we'll need another hymnal.

There's one up in my room.

I'll go, dear.

We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in.

It's two men, and I've never seen them before.

-Are you sure? -Yes.

-Let me look. -You look.

-Do you recognize them? -No, they're strangers to me.

We'll just have to pretend we're not at home.

Come in, doctor.

This is the home of my youth.

As a boy, I couldn't wait to escape from this house.

Now I'm glad to escape back into it.

Yes, Johnny, it's a good hideout.

The family must still live here.

I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal.

A fatted calf?.

Johnny, I'm so hungry.

Look, Johnny. Drink.

As if we were expected.

A good omen.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha.

It's Jonathan.

You get out of here!

I'm Jonathan, you know.

Your nephew, Jonathan.

No, you're not.

You're nothing like Jonathan, so don't pretend you are.

You just get out of here.

I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring...

...that Grandma Brewster bought in England.

And you, Aunt Martha, still the high collar...

...to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you.

Why, his voice is like Jonathan's.

Have you been in an accident?

My face.

Dr. Einstein is responsible for that.

He's a plastic surgeon.

But I've seen that face before.

Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies...

...and I was so frightened?

It was that face.

Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy.

Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces.

I give him another one right away.

That last face. I saw that picture, too...

...just before I operated. I was intoxicated.

You see, doctor, what you've done to me?

-Even my own family think I'm-- -Johnny, Johnny!

You are home in this lovely house.

You know...

...how many times he tells me...

...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts...

...he loves so much?

They know you.

Please tell him so.

Jonathan...

...it's been a long time.

Bless you. It's good to be home again.

We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over.

If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan.

Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere.

Where do we go from here?

You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away.

We got to find someplace.

We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too.

Don't waste any worry on that rat.

But we got a hot stiff on our hands.

Forget Mr. Spenalzo.

But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat.

You shouldn't have killed him.

Just because he knows something about us, what happens?

We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down.

Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff.

That's your work, doctor.

You did that to me.

Please, Johnny, take it easy.

We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away.

Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first.

This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity.

Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do.

You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up--

Be careful about the stitches this time.

You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--

-You were careless last time. -And new stitches.

And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty.

-I take it together like this-- -Leave the eyes alone.

Leave the nose alone.

Poor Teddy.

I imagine it's for the best.

"Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--"

Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me.

Right there.

Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state--

Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l?

Only last week I created a mild sensation...

...at the Bar Association, when I said--

Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you.

Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely.

No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never!

-Why, I don't-- -Judge!

Tell me, are you a drinking man?

Why, no. I never indulge.

Good! Then you'll live longer.

Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine!

I may be committing the wrong Brewster.

Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going.

My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner...

-...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here.

I found it!

Gentlemen, be seated.

Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography.

Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are.

President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut.

That's me, General, and that's you.

My, how I've changed!

That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut.

We're still digging locks.

And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock.

No, Teddy. Not to Panama.

Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off.

-Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar?

We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar.

-General Goethals? -Yes, sir.

As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy...

...and the man who gave you this job...

...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock.

I think it's time for you to go to bed.

I beg your pardon. Who are you?

I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed.

No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar.

You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa.

You look like someone I might meet in the jungle.

I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy.

He and his friend want to get back to their hotel.

General Goethals, inspect the canal.

All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama.

Bully, bully! Follow me, General.

It's down south, you know.

Well, bon voyage!

I must correct your misapprehension.

You talked of our hotel.

We have no hotel. We came here directly.

This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here.

Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

You remember that, as a boy, I could be disagreeable.

It would not be pleasant for any of us if....

I don't have to go into details, do l?

Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight.

Come here. Quick.

I forgot to tell you...

...Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.

We expect to be very busy.

-Down here, what do you think I find? -What?

The Panama Canal.

And it just fits Mr. Spenalzo.

See the hole he's digging. Four feet wide, six feet long.

He just fits!

You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. Spenalzo along.

That's hospitality.

Rather a good joke on my aunts.

They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar.

How do we get him in here?

Yes, we can't just walk Mr. Spenalzo in through the door.

We'll get the car and after they're in bed, we'll bring him in through the window.

Bed.

We're moving the car behind the house. You'd better get to bed.

The car is all right where it is until morning.

I don't want to leave it in the street. That might be against the law.

What are we going to do?

We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house.

What would the neighbors think?

People coming in here with one face and going out with another.

What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins?

Mr. Hoskins!

It can't be very comfortable for him in there.

And he's been so patient, the poor dear.

I think Teddy had better take Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away.

General Goethals was very pleased. He said the canal was just the right size.

Teddy, there's been another yellow-fever victim.

Dear me! This will be a shock to the General.

No, we must keep it a secret.

A state secret?

Yes, a state secret.

Promise?

You have the word of the President of the United States.

Cross my heart and hope to die. Now, let's see.

How are we going to keep it a secret?

Teddy, I think you'd better get back down into the cellar.

And then...

...when I turn out the lights, when everything's dark here...

...you come up and take the poor man down to the canal.

Now get along.

And we'll come down later and hold services.

-Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat.

It seems to be spreading.

We've never had yellow fever there before.

I've never even seen Mr. Hoskins!

My goodness! That's right, you were out.

You just come right along and see him now.

You know, he's really very nice looking, considering that he's a Methodist.

We're bringing the luggage through here.

Your room is waiting for you. You can go right up.

I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. You two run along to bed.

But you must be very tired. Both of you.

-And we don't go to bed this early. -It's time I came home to take care of you.

Take the bags upstairs.

For the instruments, I'll come back later.

Good night.

Now, we'll all go to bed.

I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights.

Run along, Aunt Martha.

Just off the laboratory, Doctor.

-All right, Aunt Abby. -I'll be right up.

Now! Turn out the lights.

Aunt Abby.

He's all right, Johnny.

I'll open the window. You go round and hand him through.

But he's too heavy for me.

You go outside and push, and I'll stay here and pull.

And then together we take him down to Panama.

All right. We must be quick. I'll take a look around outside the house.

When I tap on the glass, you open the window.

Yeah.

It's dark in here.

Where am l?

Here I am.

Who left this open?

Okay, wait a minute. Hand him over.

Now I have him. Allez, up!

Now, wait a minute. You lost a leg somewhere.

Help me. He's so heavy.

Now I have him. Now I got him.

-Be careful. -But his shoe came off.

Help me. He's so heavy.

Now I've got him!

Johnny, somebody's at the door. Go open, quick.

I'll manage Spenalzo. Go, quick!

Mortimer!

Aunt Abby!

Aunt Martha!

Who is it?

Is that you, Teddy?

Who are you?

I'm Elaine Harper. I live next door.

What are you doing here?

I came here to see my husband, Mortimer.

Why did you say your name was Harper?

It is Harper. I mean, it's Brewster.

I'm not very used to it. I'm a brand-new Brewster.

Doctor!

It's all right. It's okay.

Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.

We happen to live here.

You don't live here.

I'm in this house every day, I've never seen you before.

Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them?

Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves.

May I present Dr. Einstein?

Dr. Einstein?

A surgeon of great distinction.

And something of a magician.

-I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris-- -I am Jonathan Brewster.

-You're Jonathan. -You've heard of me?

-Yes, they talk about you. -What do they say about me?

Just that there's another brother named Jonathan, that's all.

That explains everything. Now that I know who you are...

...l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door.

"That explains everything." Just what do you mean by that?

Why do you come here at this time of night?

I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. I suppose it was you.

You thought you saw someone drive up?

Yes. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car?

-You saw someone at the car? -Yes.

-What else did you see? -Just that, that's all!

I see. Is that why you came over here?