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1
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Arliss: For most of us,
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00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:16,020
The dream of
becoming a champion,
3
00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,652
remains a fantasy.
4
00:00:18,718 --> 00:00:20,588
But for a special few,
5
00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:23,093
it is very much a reality.
6
00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,256
We cheer them,
7
00:00:24,324 --> 00:00:25,864
We live through them.
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00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:28,855
Athletes are our last warriors.
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00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:34,098
My job is to make
their dreams come true.
10
00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:36,167
My name is Arliss Michaels.
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I represent athletes.
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00:00:38,404 --> 00:00:39,974
These are my stories.
13
00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:42,909
♪ I don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪
14
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:46,676
♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪
15
00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:50,246
♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪
16
00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:53,946
♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
17
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:57,620
♪ It happens to be true ♪
18
00:00:57,690 --> 00:01:01,260
♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
19
00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:04,797
♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪
20
00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:08,334
♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪
21
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:12,011
♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪
22
00:01:12,071 --> 00:01:15,681
♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪
23
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,152
♪ No matter what you do ♪
24
00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:22,552
♪ I only wanna be with you ♪
25
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,123
Look at this.
26
00:01:28,187 --> 00:01:30,657
I design this
specially for Shaq.
27
00:01:30,723 --> 00:01:31,763
Shaq?
28
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,929
A little small for
his foot, isn't it?
29
00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:36,164
What foot?
30
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,599
It's a pendant for a necklace.
31
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:40,699
Okay, listen to this...
32
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,597
"Arliss didn't wanna
be late for this party,
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00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:44,969
so last night he
fucked a rooster!"
34
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:46,838
(laughs)
35
00:01:46,906 --> 00:01:49,376
"Oh, of course we all
know Arliss is so cheap,
36
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,782
if he had to pay to
take a shit, he'd vomit!"
37
00:01:51,844 --> 00:01:53,014
(laughs)
38
00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:54,359
Kirby those jokes are tasteless!
39
00:01:54,380 --> 00:01:55,720
It's a roast.
40
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,322
It's a surprise birthday party.
41
00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:59,923
At which occasion
we will roast Arliss.
42
00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:01,546
Anything goes at a roast.
43
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:02,761
Mm.
44
00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:04,492
Wow!
45
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:06,087
Look at the size of that ring.
46
00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:08,599
Huh! Imagine the
finger that goes on.
47
00:02:08,661 --> 00:02:11,501
No, no, no, it's
not for a finger.
48
00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:15,997
Umm...
49
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:17,799
We're looking for a watch.
50
00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:19,410
This one.
51
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:20,972
Ten thousand. Ah!
52
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,040
How about this?
53
00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:24,175
"Arliss Michaels'
dick is so small
54
00:02:24,243 --> 00:02:25,853
The mosquito didn't get off!"
55
00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:27,812
Enough with the foul jokes!
56
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,390
How are you gettin'
Arliss to the party?
57
00:02:29,415 --> 00:02:32,885
I told Arliss my doctor
found some abnormalities.
58
00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:35,322
The results are
inconclusive, but I'm worried,
59
00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:37,558
so I need Arliss to help me
get through Thursday night
60
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:40,364
before the spinal tap on Friday.
61
00:02:41,894 --> 00:02:43,204
Very good, I'm almost touched.
62
00:02:43,262 --> 00:02:44,632
(phone ringing)
63
00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:47,197
I know when it comes to
my health, he'll be there.
64
00:02:47,266 --> 00:02:48,266
Hello.
65
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,484
Kirby, I gotta bail Thursday.
66
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:50,782
I'm having dinner
with Marshall Faulk.
67
00:02:50,803 --> 00:02:51,843
What?
68
00:02:51,904 --> 00:02:53,424
I... I know you wanted
to meet about something,
69
00:02:53,439 --> 00:02:55,439
but, uh, we're talkin'
the MVP of the NFL here.
70
00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:56,548
Can you make it another night?
71
00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:58,136
This is real serious.
72
00:02:58,211 --> 00:02:59,751
Well then, it'll be
serious on Friday.
73
00:02:59,812 --> 00:03:00,852
Take care.
74
00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:04,248
What?
75
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:06,687
Here are your meetings
for the next three days.
76
00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,263
Uh, circled phone
calls need to be returned
77
00:03:08,287 --> 00:03:10,757
immediately, and you can
always reach me on my cell phone.
78
00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:11,833
Wh... Wh... Where you going?
79
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:13,238
(sighs) I've been
telling you for a month
80
00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,859
I have to go home
for a long weekend.
81
00:03:14,927 --> 00:03:16,157
Home? Why are you going home?
82
00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:17,329
It's my mother's birthday.
83
00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:18,727
Tomorrow is my birthday.
84
00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:20,698
Arliss, you don't own the day.
85
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:24,037
You, my mother, and Mussolini
are all celebrating July 29th.
86
00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:25,143
What's more important,
87
00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:26,544
your family or
my surprise party?
88
00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:29,336
Your surpri...
you know about it?
89
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:30,419
Of course I know about it.
90
00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:31,843
I know everything
that goes on here.
91
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,558
I even know what they're
getting me for a present.
92
00:03:33,579 --> 00:03:35,309
My dream watch,
93
00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:36,981
An Aradin original.
94
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,420
I'm just not lettin' on.
95
00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:39,934
Don't. Kirby and Stanley
have been working
96
00:03:39,952 --> 00:03:41,652
very hard at it.
97
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,461
And Marshall Faulk
will love it even more.
98
00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:45,603
Oh, don't tell me you're gonna
try and sign Marshall Faulk
99
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,225
at your own surprise
birthday party.
100
00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:48,933
Absolutely!
101
00:03:48,995 --> 00:03:51,195
When he sees how much
people love me at my party,
102
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,334
he'll sign on the spot.
103
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:53,628
- (chuckles)
- (phone ringing)
104
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,300
Arliss Michaels' office.
105
00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,538
Rita, is Arliss
there? It's urgent.
106
00:03:57,603 --> 00:04:00,943
Uh-huh. Stanley,
he says it's urgent.
107
00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:02,037
Hello?
108
00:04:02,108 --> 00:04:05,378
Arliss, I'm at the
doctor's with Kirby.
109
00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:06,775
The news isn't encouraging.
110
00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:08,646
I think you should be
with him tomorrow night.
111
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:09,745
Really?
112
00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:10,846
Put the doctor on.
113
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:11,947
The what?
114
00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:12,948
I wanna talk to the doctor.
115
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:14,089
(quietly) I love this.
116
00:04:14,153 --> 00:04:15,423
I'll see you Monday.
117
00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:17,068
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait...
118
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,220
Hello, hello.
119
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:19,391
This is doctor.
120
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,029
Yes, doctor, uh,
Arliss Michaels here.
121
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,874
Uh, tell me, what is your
professional diagnosis?
122
00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:23,995
Uh...
123
00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:27,133
His, uh... his
stool is too soft.
124
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,340
He's been eatin' too
much Viagra, doc.
125
00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:31,502
Uh... y... yes, yes, sure,
126
00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:35,071
Uh, to whom do I send
my consultation bill to?
127
00:04:35,141 --> 00:04:36,141
Give me that!
128
00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:37,275
Arliss... listen,
129
00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:39,583
I really wish you'd
come to dinner with me.
130
00:04:39,645 --> 00:04:41,545
Oh, now you got me concerned.
131
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:42,624
I mean, there's no telli"
132
00:04:42,648 --> 00:04:44,228
what those test results
will be Friday morning.
133
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:45,320
Exactly.
134
00:04:45,384 --> 00:04:47,524
So have all your paperwork
done Thursday night. Bye.
135
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,387
Huh-haaa!
136
00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:50,885
My dream watch.
137
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:54,587
(flute playing)
138
00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:06,808
( Snoring )
139
00:05:11,677 --> 00:05:13,777
(clapping)
140
00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:15,106
Aunt Rita, did you like it?
141
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:18,381
Oh, my little maestro,
you've gotten so good.
142
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:20,321
Oh, sis, you must be so proud.
143
00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:21,726
She's going on a
field trip next week
144
00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:24,424
with her youth orchestra
to see the Philharmonic.
145
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,090
Wow, excellent!
146
00:05:27,527 --> 00:05:29,297
(whispers) I got you something.
147
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:36,844
- Still a Mariners fan?
- Wow.
148
00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:38,253
I could get us some
really great tickets
149
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:39,311
and we can go together.
150
00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:40,512
Mariners game?
151
00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:44,213
Oh, no, we don't have time
for needless distractions.
152
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,977
Well, she might have fun.
153
00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:47,405
If she's gonna
get a scholarship,
154
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,220
she needs to focus
on her playing.
155
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:50,622
But thanks for the offer.
156
00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:56,216
(helium voice) Uh, shall we
get Arliss a bunch of balloons,
157
00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:57,699
or shall we just
take the whole tank?
158
00:05:57,723 --> 00:05:59,463
Look, just the balloons,
we're tapped out
159
00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:01,925
after spending 10
grand on a watch.
160
00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:03,934
Ten grand for a watch?
161
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:09,295
Rolex, Piaget, Patek Philippe.
162
00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:10,898
Your pick, $200.
163
00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:13,870
Uh, we're giving Arliss
an Aradin original.
164
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,510
Ohh, you want an original?
165
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,250
We're not giving Arliss a phony.
166
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:22,322
The time is not
phony. Time is time.
167
00:06:22,381 --> 00:06:23,521
We got him something
168
00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:24,633
that won't turn his wrist green.
169
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:25,690
190?
170
00:06:25,751 --> 00:06:26,951
"Hey, did you hear
171
00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:29,259
"that a recent study
found Arliss Michaels
172
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,862
is a complete asshole!"
173
00:06:30,923 --> 00:06:32,563
(laughs)
174
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:33,985
Hey, how about this one?
175
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,460
Arliss' dick is so small
176
00:06:36,529 --> 00:06:37,929
a hooker once said,
177
00:06:37,997 --> 00:06:39,997
"Quien tu vaz a
satifechar con eso?
178
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,566
Conjo, me." (laughs)
179
00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:44,535
Whatever that was, I'm
sure it was disgusting.
180
00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:46,814
Okay, Mr. Critic, what
are you planning to say?
181
00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:49,143
Oh, something witty,
humorous and wry.
182
00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:51,338
Oh, boy, are you gonna bomb!
183
00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:53,280
You just make
sure that I go on last,
184
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:55,306
because nobody's gonna
be able to follow me.
185
00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:57,061
Rather than worry
about who's going on last,
186
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,853
how are you gettin'
Arliss to show up?
187
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,718
Oh, don't worry,
I've got an idea.
188
00:07:00,786 --> 00:07:02,186
Uuugh!
189
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,955
Marshall Faulk,
190
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,193
how's the rajah
of running backs?
191
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,729
Good, good, looking
forward to tomorrow night.
192
00:07:08,794 --> 00:07:11,074
Marshall, I don't think we should
discuss business tomorrow night.
193
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,327
Let's me and you just
have a nice quiet dinner.
194
00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:14,929
Get to know the
real Arliss Michaels.
195
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,401
Sounds good to me.
196
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:17,969
I'm tired of the
hard sell anyways.
197
00:07:18,037 --> 00:07:19,537
Great, I'll pick you
up around seven,
198
00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,145
and don't forget to
bring your appetite.
199
00:07:21,173 --> 00:07:23,983
Oh, don't worry about
that. It's with me 24/7.
200
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:26,183
Bye.
201
00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:27,445
(chuckles)
202
00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:29,753
(phone ringing)
203
00:07:29,815 --> 00:07:30,875
Hello?
204
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,290
Arliss, it's me.
205
00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:34,651
Kirby, thank God you're alive.
206
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,520
I was just, uh,
dreamin' about you.
207
00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:40,530
Yeah, Arliss, I just found
out that Marshall Faulk
208
00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:42,963
went through the
same thing that I did.
209
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,169
Why don't you bring him with you
210
00:07:44,196 --> 00:07:45,556
to meet me tomorrow night?
211
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,801
But, your illness is a
private, personal matter.
212
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,067
I mean, maybe he'll
appreciate how sick I am.
213
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,566
Oh, Kirby, only I can appreciate
214
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:52,867
How truly sick you are,
215
00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:56,039
but, uh, I know it means a
lot to ya, so we'll be there.
216
00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:57,378
Thanks, Arliss.
217
00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:59,283
Bye.
218
00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:01,075
Yes! He's comin'!
219
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,048
Okay, guys, I'm being
roasted tomorrow night,
220
00:08:04,116 --> 00:08:06,546
I need to be loaded
for bear. What do I do?
221
00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:08,349
I'm tellin' ya, Arliss,
be the aggressor.
222
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:09,731
Go after them
before they get to you.
223
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:11,415
Bust their fuckin' balls.
224
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:12,770
I'll hit them
before they hit me.
225
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,085
Offense, you say,
"You're so ugly,
226
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,701
when you masturbate,
you get stood up."
227
00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:17,762
Ooh!
228
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,627
(blows air horn)
229
00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:22,199
He is so ugly that when
he goes in the woods,
230
00:08:22,268 --> 00:08:23,398
the trees piss on him.
231
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:24,949
- How about that, is that cool?
- (blows air horn)
232
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:26,071
How 'bout this?
233
00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:27,278
Namin' Kirby the
player of the week
234
00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:30,176
Is like calling Janet Reno
the fuck of the month.
235
00:08:30,242 --> 00:08:31,382
(laughs) That's funny.
236
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:32,914
What do you call
a German tampon?
237
00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:34,579
- What's that?
- Twat-stika!
238
00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:36,477
(laughter)
239
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:38,349
Okay, I'll be right
back, I'll be right back.
240
00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:40,487
Wait, how 'bout
this, how about this?
241
00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:41,693
Say, "Listen...
242
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:43,764
He left, Norm, he left, Norm!
243
00:08:45,891 --> 00:08:47,461
Whoo, does it stink in there!
244
00:08:47,526 --> 00:08:50,026
Gimme, gimme, I need funny,
I need funny! What do you got?
245
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:51,096
Here's an ice breaker.
246
00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:52,773
How do you get three
old ladies to say "fuck"?
247
00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,568
- How?
- Make the fourth one yell, "bingo"!
248
00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:56,143
(laughs)
249
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,402
Hey, I can't believe how
many times Kirby gets laid.
250
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,031
- I was talkin' to...
- (blows air horn)
251
00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:01,442
Stanley, he's the kind of a guy
252
00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:03,507
would come over your
house and shit in your pool...
253
00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:04,742
from the high diving board!
254
00:09:04,810 --> 00:09:06,180
(laughter)
255
00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:07,705
This'll work. This'll work.
256
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,482
It's a good thing you're
making the cake from scratch.
257
00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:14,720
These cake mixes have
genetically modified ingredients.
258
00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:17,187
Margaret, you learned
all about that in school.
259
00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:19,086
They gave human
hormones to pigs.
260
00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:20,788
And they grew really big.
261
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:23,860
But then, they got arthritis
and became cross-eyed.
262
00:09:23,929 --> 00:09:25,459
(quietly) Oh, no...
263
00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:26,701
cross-eyed pigs!
264
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:28,466
Sweetie, we have to
leave for your lesson
265
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:29,744
in less than an hour.
266
00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:32,272
Oh, I thought I'd take
Margaret to her lesson.
267
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:33,908
If you don't mind.
268
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:35,573
Umm, I don't know.
269
00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:37,941
Mom, please?
270
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,450
Please?
271
00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:40,552
I know the way,
272
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,553
I used to bike there
every Saturday morning.
273
00:09:42,615 --> 00:09:43,845
Piano lessons?
274
00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:46,717
Okay, thanks.
275
00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:48,086
Go practice.
276
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:49,324
Don't forget your arpeggios.
277
00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:50,558
I won't!
278
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:53,163
She is such a good kid.
You've done a great job.
279
00:09:53,225 --> 00:09:55,995
Thanks, it's not easy.
280
00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:58,662
At this age there are
so many distractions.
281
00:09:58,731 --> 00:10:00,271
Oh, she's 12.
282
00:10:00,332 --> 00:10:02,872
Last week she asked me if she
could try out for the track team.
283
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,695
The week before,
it was swimming.
284
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:06,340
So why not let her?
285
00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:08,905
Her future is in her music.
286
00:10:08,974 --> 00:10:10,684
She could hurt her hands.
287
00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:12,143
Swimming?
288
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,446
You know, studies
prove that athletics
289
00:10:15,514 --> 00:10:17,424
help create self-esteem.
290
00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:19,193
You know, discipline, structure.
291
00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:21,621
Oh, I don't know how
you put up with that world.
292
00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:23,257
I was reading one
of those stories
293
00:10:23,322 --> 00:10:25,422
about one of those
"elite" athletes,
294
00:10:25,491 --> 00:10:28,631
I couldn't believe how
immature he sounded.
295
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:31,604
You know, there are a lot
of positive aspects to my job.
296
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:32,734
I like it.
297
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,328
Are you even contemplating
298
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,570
when you're going
to start a family?
299
00:10:36,635 --> 00:10:37,975
You're no spring
chicken, you know.
300
00:10:38,003 --> 00:10:39,673
Oh, Karen!
301
00:10:39,738 --> 00:10:40,778
Chickens came to this country
302
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:44,006
with Columbus on
his second trip in 1493.
303
00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:45,906
Hey, those chickens were smart.
304
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,018
They skipped the first trip
because they weren't sure
305
00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:49,677
the boat would float.
306
00:10:49,748 --> 00:10:52,078
Excuse me, I'm
going to go practice...
307
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:53,451
restraint!
308
00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:02,796
Aunt Rita, why are
we stopping here?
309
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:04,532
I can't be late for my lesson.
310
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,037
Oh, I need to take
care of something.
311
00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:07,168
It'll take a minute.
312
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:09,403
Mom gets awfully
crazy about being late.
313
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,138
Aw, pfft, whatever.
314
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:15,139
(ringing doorbell)
315
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:19,647
Hey, Rita, what
are you doin' here?
316
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,012
Oh, Jay,
317
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,750
I just came home
to visit my family.
318
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:23,855
I just wanted to remind you
319
00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:25,853
that today is Arliss' birthday.
320
00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:27,328
Oh, that's right, I'll
give him a call later.
321
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:28,723
So, who's your friend?
322
00:11:28,787 --> 00:11:31,017
This is my niece, Margaret.
323
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:32,260
Margaret, Jay Buhner.
324
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,429
Hi.
325
00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:34,932
Hi, Margaret, nice to meet ya!
326
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:36,304
So, you a Mariners fan?
327
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:37,402
Mm-hmm.
328
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:39,063
All right, why don't
you guys come on in?
329
00:11:42,935 --> 00:11:45,295
Yeah, I have to say,
that is a lovely watch.
330
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,641
Well, lovely isn't the
word that I would use,
331
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:49,506
for... obvious reasons,
332
00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:51,635
but, it is a fuckin' cool watch.
333
00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:52,750
Where is Kekee?
334
00:11:52,811 --> 00:11:54,561
Arliss on his way to the
restaurant as we speak.
335
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,050
Hey, listen to this, okay?
336
00:11:56,115 --> 00:11:58,975
A study found that
Arliss is the leading cause
337
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,721
of lesbianism in America!
338
00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:02,116
It's enough with
the crass jokes!
339
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:03,258
Am I goin' on last?
340
00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:04,632
Oh, you're definitely
going on last.
341
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:05,657
Where the hell is he?
342
00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:07,731
Hey, sorry, I got
tangled in the elevator.
343
00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:11,258
Ohhh, is that 10 grand
I see in your hand?
344
00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:13,170
Yeah, that's what a
real one looks like.
345
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:16,172
Hey, one of these seems
to be five minutes off.
346
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:17,295
C'mon, let's go.
347
00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:18,499
Okay.
348
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,841
Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no.
349
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:20,985
Here... Here's a great one.
350
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,310
"Okay, Arliss was so horny,
351
00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:23,644
he once tried to fuck..."
352
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:24,709
Jesus Christ!
353
00:12:24,743 --> 00:12:26,353
Oh, now who's bein' crass!
354
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,962
Oh, do something! Oh! Oh!
355
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,445
Oh! Oh, no no no no!
356
00:12:30,516 --> 00:12:31,976
(yelling and screaming)
357
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:33,791
I'll take care of it!
358
00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:37,288
(gun clicking)
359
00:12:37,356 --> 00:12:38,756
(screaming)
360
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:40,294
Well, Marshall,
uh, we'll be there,
361
00:12:40,359 --> 00:12:42,599
uh... (chuckles) any minute.
362
00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:44,031
Hey, look at that!
363
00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:46,834
Balloons, huh?
364
00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:47,899
You know what they say.
365
00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:49,737
That every time a
balloon flies away,
366
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:52,612
someone's dream goes with it.
367
00:12:52,671 --> 00:12:53,971
Really?
368
00:12:58,544 --> 00:12:59,854
James Galway.
369
00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:01,352
Alanis Morrisette.
370
00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:02,453
Ooh, Ian Anderson.
371
00:13:02,514 --> 00:13:03,514
Who?
372
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,619
Jethro Tull.
373
00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:06,063
He used to play flute
standing on one leg.
374
00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,185
One leg, wow!
375
00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:09,223
Why were you late
for your lesson?
376
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:10,658
Oh...
377
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:11,723
We made a stop.
378
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:13,487
I had to talk to
a client briefly.
379
00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:14,629
What client?
380
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,132
What client?
381
00:13:20,532 --> 00:13:22,272
Jay Buhner.
382
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,574
He's really nice.
383
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,136
Margaret, go upstairs.
384
00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:27,514
There will be no field
trip to the Philharmonic.
385
00:13:27,573 --> 00:13:28,573
- Mom...!
- Go!
386
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:34,750
Karen, I was driving
the car, I made the stop.
387
00:13:34,813 --> 00:13:36,163
If you're gonna
act like the gestapo,
388
00:13:36,181 --> 00:13:37,231
Why don't you do it with me?
389
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:40,189
You disrupted her
lesson for your business,
390
00:13:40,252 --> 00:13:41,952
how dare you?
391
00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:45,191
She's a kid, she likes
sports. Most kids do.
392
00:13:45,257 --> 00:13:47,157
I'm not interested in most kids.
393
00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:48,926
You should have seen her face.
394
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,564
Her whole energy changed.
395
00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:52,729
Her teacher said it was
the best she's ever played.
396
00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:54,568
Don't give me
advice on something
397
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:56,303
you know nothing about.
398
00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:57,498
Karen?
399
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:58,644
You are so selfish.
400
00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:00,674
You have always been so selfish.
401
00:14:00,739 --> 00:14:01,769
Never mind.
402
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,840
You have no respect
for my job, my life, me...
403
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,950
See, it always
comes around to you.
404
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,212
That's my point.
405
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,350
I think your point is
406
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,255
that you don't want your
daughter to be like me.
407
00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:14,151
I can't talk to you.
408
00:14:14,219 --> 00:14:15,219
Fine.
409
00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:18,987
Marshall, I'm not one to
talk much about myself.
410
00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:21,158
I'm a believer that it's
what others say about you
411
00:14:21,226 --> 00:14:22,486
that's truly important.
412
00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:23,601
That's true.
413
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:24,902
Tonight's about you.
414
00:14:24,963 --> 00:14:27,073
Group: Surprise!
415
00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:29,472
(clapping and cheering)
416
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:30,545
Wh... Wh... What's goin' on?
417
00:14:30,569 --> 00:14:32,099
What's goin' on
is your birthday!
418
00:14:32,171 --> 00:14:34,471
All: Happy Birthday!
419
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,810
Marshall, I had no idea.
420
00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:37,905
It's a surprise party.
421
00:14:37,976 --> 00:14:39,686
Are you sure? We could
go eat somewhere else.
422
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,282
No way, I love surprise parties.
423
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:43,117
It shows that people
really care about you.
424
00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:45,882
That's nice of you to say.
425
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:47,851
Why don't we take a
seat? Come sit by me.
426
00:14:48,987 --> 00:14:52,887
(flute playing)
427
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,788
Margaret?
428
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:57,330
I'm sorry I got us into trouble.
429
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,526
And I understand if you
don't want to talk to me,
430
00:14:59,598 --> 00:15:01,698
but, you know, once I'm gone,
431
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:04,037
I'm sure your mom
will rethink letting you
432
00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:05,643
go on that field trip.
433
00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:08,744
(flute playing continues)
434
00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:10,437
Margaret...
435
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,109
Margaret?
436
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:16,450
(music stops)
437
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:20,194
Margaret...
438
00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:24,561
(tape starts again)
439
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:26,263
(flute music playing)
440
00:15:26,325 --> 00:15:27,555
Margaret?
441
00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:31,025
Where is she?
442
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,666
Oh... I don't know,
she's not here.
443
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,970
Margaret?
444
00:15:36,969 --> 00:15:38,669
Margaret!
445
00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:45,208
(talking)
446
00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:50,777
I had no idea.
This is just great.
447
00:15:50,849 --> 00:15:52,729
Just to have... I... I don't
know what to say, I mean...
448
00:15:52,751 --> 00:15:54,151
I'm havin' a great time.
449
00:15:54,219 --> 00:15:55,899
I'm glad to hear that, you
want some more cake?
450
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:58,291
I'm fine.
451
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,261
You're fine? More wine?
452
00:15:57,322 --> 00:15:58,322
You sure?
453
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:01,259
Ah!
454
00:16:01,326 --> 00:16:02,486
Arliss.
455
00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:03,961
Happy Birthday.
456
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:05,659
This is from Kirby and me.
457
00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:06,731
We got it together.
458
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:08,025
- Ah!
- Us.
459
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:09,130
Both!
460
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:16,038
Oh... I... it's my dream watch!
461
00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:17,438
Marshall, check this out.
462
00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:19,509
That's an Aradin original.
463
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:22,823
That is a really
nice watch, Arliss.
464
00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:26,021
Yeah. Man... thanks, guys.
465
00:16:26,084 --> 00:16:27,904
All right, (clears throat)
ladies and gentlemen.
466
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,050
Ladies and gentlemen,
467
00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:31,361
it's time for the
festivities to begin.
468
00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:33,663
Arliss Michaels,
prepare to be roasted!
469
00:16:33,725 --> 00:16:35,625
Oh, no!
470
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:37,234
To Arliss Michaels.
471
00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:39,436
Hey, you know, Arliss didn't
wanna be late for the party,
472
00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:41,265
so last night he
fucked a rooster!
473
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,803
(laughter)
474
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,038
Ooh...
475
00:16:44,102 --> 00:16:45,172
To Arliss Michaels,
476
00:16:45,237 --> 00:16:48,107
a man so cheap, if he
had to pay to take a shit,
477
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,173
he'd vomit!
478
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,878
(laughter)
479
00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:54,083
Oh, oh, oh!
480
00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:56,376
Uh, to Arliss Michaels,
481
00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:58,178
a man that is so stupid
482
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,320
that he thinks innuendo
483
00:17:00,385 --> 00:17:03,385
Is an Italian suppository!
484
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:06,885
(laughter)
485
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,389
To Arliss Michaels,
who is so ugly,
486
00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:11,861
he won't even play with himself!
487
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:13,930
(laughter)
488
00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:16,839
To Arliss Michaels, if
my dog had your face,
489
00:17:16,902 --> 00:17:18,142
I'd shave its ass
490
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,043
and teach it how
to walk backwards!
491
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:23,475
Group: Ooooh!
492
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,412
Hey, Arliss, I'm
really impressed.
493
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:27,347
These people really
do care about you.
494
00:17:27,412 --> 00:17:29,652
I can't believe it,
I'm in total shock.
495
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,145
(laughs)
496
00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:40,364
Margaret?
497
00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:43,063
She's up in the tree.
498
00:17:46,431 --> 00:17:48,001
Is she okay?
499
00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:50,166
Yeah, she's reading
"Harry Potter."
500
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:53,140
That tree.
501
00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:56,165
How many hours did
we spend on that branch?
502
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:58,611
How many hours did
we spend up here?
503
00:17:58,677 --> 00:18:01,507
Mom's kept it pretty
much the same.
504
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:05,350
Oh! Remember this blanket
we used to use as a tent?
505
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,087
Cyndi Lauper, Pat Benatar.
506
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:11,763
Jethro Tull. We wore these out.
507
00:18:11,823 --> 00:18:14,493
Margaret's never
heard of Jethro Tull.
508
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,360
You should play it
for her some time.
509
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,099
You know...
510
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:21,604
you're wrong about me not
wanting her to be like you.
511
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:25,797
I... I really hope she
grows up with your spunk.
512
00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:27,271
Spunk?
513
00:18:27,339 --> 00:18:28,709
Yeah, your spirit.
514
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,114
You're the
adventurous, brave one.
515
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:31,875
You always were.
516
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,354
You talked me into
climbing into that tree.
517
00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:35,693
You had to talk
me out of jumping
518
00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:37,077
from that tree to the roof.
519
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,480
It was probably a good thing.
520
00:18:47,859 --> 00:18:50,759
I don't mean to
get on you, Rita.
521
00:18:50,829 --> 00:18:52,659
I guess...
522
00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:55,701
I'm just... scared.
523
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,302
Of?
524
00:18:58,370 --> 00:18:59,940
Choices.
525
00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:02,505
The... The choices
Margaret'll make.
526
00:19:02,574 --> 00:19:04,644
The choices you've made.
527
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,380
The choices I've made.
528
00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:09,716
Were they the right ones?
529
00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:12,421
I ask myself those
same questions.
530
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:14,894
It's just so hard out there.
531
00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:17,423
I... I want her to reach
her absolute potential.
532
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:20,059
You want her to
be a little girl, too.
533
00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:22,885
You know, I see you
and Margaret together,
534
00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:25,161
and I see how much
fun you guys have,
535
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:28,970
and... I remember how
much fun we used to have.
536
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:33,036
Sometimes I just wonder if...
537
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:34,665
if I were the one
with all the brains,
538
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:36,740
and you were the
one with all the beauty.
539
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:39,806
(laughing)
540
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,580
Ooh, I miss you.
541
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:45,890
Arliss: There is
nothing as comforting
542
00:19:45,917 --> 00:19:48,587
as surrounding
yourself with loved ones.
543
00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:50,394
Arliss' dick is so small,
544
00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:51,485
a hooker said,
545
00:19:51,556 --> 00:19:53,126
"Quien tu vaz a
satifechar con eso?
546
00:19:53,191 --> 00:19:54,191
Conjo, me."
547
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:57,329
(laughter)
548
00:19:57,396 --> 00:19:58,456
"Conjo, me!"
549
00:19:58,530 --> 00:19:59,730
To Arliss Michaels,
550
00:19:59,798 --> 00:20:02,868
the world's leading
cause of lesbianism!
551
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:05,244
(laughing)
552
00:20:05,303 --> 00:20:07,713
And finally, uh, Kirby Carlisle!
553
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:10,943
(applause)
554
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:15,876
Happy Birthday, Arliss.
555
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,650
Fuck you, Stanley.
556
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,248
Group: Ooooh...
557
00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:25,559
But, uh, seriously, folks,
558
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:30,504
I, uh... I give you our honoree,
the birthday boy himself...
559
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:32,862
And our leader...
Arliss Michaels!
560
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:37,001
(cheering and applause)
561
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,799
Sit, sit, sit, sit.
562
00:20:42,674 --> 00:20:43,944
Thank you.
563
00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:47,809
I'm, uh, truly touched
by your presence.
564
00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:49,609
I wanna thank
you all for coming.
565
00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:52,051
Starting with, um, our host,
566
00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:54,417
my oldest friend,
Kirby Carlisle,
567
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:57,186
A man so ugly, his
face curdles piss!
568
00:20:57,255 --> 00:21:00,225
(laughter)
569
00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:04,311
And of course, I wanna
thank Stanley Babson,
570
00:21:04,329 --> 00:21:06,129
a good man, a strong man,
571
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,228
a man who hasn't had
a blow job in so long,
572
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:09,800
he's forgotten how it tastes!
573
00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:13,168
(laughter)
574
00:21:13,238 --> 00:21:15,868
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
575
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:18,681
And I wanna thank all of my
clients for coming here tonight,
576
00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:21,384
starting with Hall of Fame
manager Sparky Anderson.
577
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:23,676
(cheers and applause)
578
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:24,929
I don't wanna say Sparky's old,
579
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,950
but he's got more
toes than teeth!
580
00:21:28,019 --> 00:21:29,759
I mean, he's so old,
when he was born,
581
00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:33,191
the Dead Sea was only sick!
582
00:21:33,258 --> 00:21:35,488
I mean, he's so
old, he farts dust!
583
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,330
(laughter)
584
00:21:37,395 --> 00:21:38,755
And there's all-star
hockey player,
585
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:40,027
Jeremy Roenick.
586
00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:41,628
Who is so into hockey,
587
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,700
he won't let his
girlfriend change pads
588
00:21:43,769 --> 00:21:45,299
until after three periods!
589
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:48,370
Crowd: Ohhhhhh!
590
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:49,570
What are you laughing at,
591
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:51,711
Olympic swimmer Dara Torres?
592
00:21:51,777 --> 00:21:53,247
Dara has slept with so many men,
593
00:21:53,311 --> 00:21:55,311
the pool asks for penicillin!
594
00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:56,980
(laughter)
595
00:21:57,048 --> 00:21:59,448
I mean, she's seen
more dick than a urinal
596
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:01,048
at a Greyhound station!
597
00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:04,259
Group: Ohhhhhh!
598
00:22:04,322 --> 00:22:06,332
I know you think you're hot,
but let me tell ya, personally,
599
00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:08,558
I wouldn't fuck
you with her dick!
600
00:22:08,627 --> 00:22:10,427
Group: Ohhhhhh!
601
00:22:12,731 --> 00:22:14,101
That's right, Rosie Capelli,
602
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:16,766
the girl who made
Anne Heche switch back!
603
00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:18,735
(laughter)
604
00:22:18,804 --> 00:22:21,344
But, enough jokes.
605
00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:23,106
From the bottom of my heart,
606
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:25,205
I wanna thank all
of you for being here.
607
00:22:25,277 --> 00:22:27,447
And, especially one
person in particular.
608
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,822
And that's my new
friend, Marshall Faulk.
609
00:22:30,882 --> 00:22:33,392
Thank you. It's a great
honor to have the MVP.
610
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:37,323
You know, Marshall's
girlfriend is also an MVP.
611
00:22:37,389 --> 00:22:39,389
Most valuable pole dancer!
612
00:22:39,457 --> 00:22:41,357
(laughter)
613
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:43,086
Or is it most violated pussy?
614
00:22:43,161 --> 00:22:45,161
Group: Ohhhhh!
615
00:22:45,230 --> 00:22:47,200
Hey, Marshall, Faulk you.
616
00:22:47,265 --> 00:22:48,725
(laughter)
617
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,370
Arliss: There is
nothing as comforting
618
00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:52,935
as surrounding
yourself with loved ones.
619
00:22:53,004 --> 00:22:54,414
(laughing)
620
00:22:55,907 --> 00:22:58,377
Stick your swing
and follow through.
621
00:22:58,443 --> 00:22:59,513
Mom, I did it.
622
00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:00,788
That's right, sweetie, you did!
623
00:23:00,812 --> 00:23:01,982
How 'bout that, Margaret!
624
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,617
Tim Salmon doesn't give
batting tips to just anyone.
625
00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:06,493
Now you remember, take
care of your studies first,
626
00:23:06,518 --> 00:23:07,858
and, uh, forget
about those Mariners,
627
00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:09,156
start rootin' for the
Angels, all right?
628
00:23:09,187 --> 00:23:10,767
- Okay.
- All right. Nice meetin' you both.
629
00:23:10,789 --> 00:23:13,229
- Thanks, Tim.
- He's really nice, is he single?
630
00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:14,591
- Oh, stop it.
- What?
631
00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:16,189
I'll take you to
the freebie room.
632
00:23:16,261 --> 00:23:17,261
He's really cute, too.
633
00:23:17,295 --> 00:23:18,355
I know, I know!
634
00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:19,970
Well, it was generally
agreed upon last night
635
00:23:19,998 --> 00:23:21,568
that my remarks
went over the best.
636
00:23:21,633 --> 00:23:23,603
That's 'cause you stole
'em from me, asshole.
637
00:23:23,668 --> 00:23:26,038
But it wasn't just the
remarks, it was the delivery.
638
00:23:26,104 --> 00:23:29,644
Hey, hey, hey, hey...
did I kill last night or what?
639
00:23:29,708 --> 00:23:30,938
It was bang, bang-bang,
640
00:23:31,009 --> 00:23:32,049
one bull's-eye after another.
641
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:33,177
Bang, bang-bang, bang.
642
00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:34,755
Yeah, well, I don't
wanna rain on your target,
643
00:23:34,779 --> 00:23:36,979
but a lot of your jokes
weren't appreciated.
644
00:23:37,048 --> 00:23:38,648
Bullshit, I killed.
645
00:23:38,717 --> 00:23:40,157
I think Sparky was
a little pissed off
646
00:23:40,185 --> 00:23:41,585
by some of those jokes you told.
647
00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:44,893
Nonsense, jocks all
have a sense of humor.
648
00:23:44,956 --> 00:23:46,486
It's cultivated in
the locker room.
649
00:23:46,558 --> 00:23:49,288
It's part of the
sports warrior ethos.
650
00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:53,266
That's funny.
651
00:23:53,331 --> 00:23:54,331
My watch stopped.
652
00:23:57,302 --> 00:23:59,042
What the fuck?
653
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,314
Oh, that mark indicates
where the watch goes.
654
00:24:02,374 --> 00:24:03,784
That's an Aradin trademark.
655
00:24:03,842 --> 00:24:04,912
Aradin.
656
00:24:04,976 --> 00:24:06,576
Trademark, what...?
657
00:24:06,645 --> 00:24:08,045
Marshall! Hey-hey!
658
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:09,953
Hey, last night was
something, wasn't it?
659
00:24:10,015 --> 00:24:11,075
Sure was.
660
00:24:11,149 --> 00:24:12,629
Mind if I see you in
your office for a second,
661
00:24:12,651 --> 00:24:13,751
behind closed doors?
662
00:24:15,687 --> 00:24:17,117
Go right in.
663
00:24:17,188 --> 00:24:18,758
See?
664
00:24:18,823 --> 00:24:20,633
Get the papers ready.
665
00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:26,225
So, how funny was I last night?
666
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:28,098
Oh, yeah. Real funny.
667
00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:30,440
I'll tell you what.
668
00:24:30,502 --> 00:24:32,042
Let's get down to business.
669
00:24:32,103 --> 00:24:34,213
Yeah, let's get
down to business.
670
00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:40,646
(punch and crashing sounds)
671
00:24:42,113 --> 00:24:44,283
Arliss: When one
client leaves my door,
672
00:24:44,349 --> 00:24:46,579
there's always
another ready to enter.
673
00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,651
All right Sparky, you're next.
674
00:24:49,654 --> 00:24:51,094
Arliss: I'm struck by the fact
675
00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:54,286
- that friends always want a piece of me.
- Ow! Ow! No! No!
676
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:55,929
(crashing sounds)
677
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:57,964
My name is Arliss Michaels.
678
00:24:58,029 --> 00:24:59,759
I represent athletes.
679
00:24:59,831 --> 00:25:01,931
These are my stories.
680
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,710
- Arliss: It was a joke! Ow!
- (crashing noises)
681
00:25:03,735 --> 00:25:06,465
It was a joke! Come on!
Come on! Can't take a joke?
682
00:25:06,538 --> 00:25:07,838
Come on, ow!
683
00:25:07,906 --> 00:25:10,776
(flute music playing)
684
00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:12,842
An agent takes his
wife to a hockey game,
685
00:25:12,911 --> 00:25:16,281
they're sittin' in the box.
And guys keep coming over.
686
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:17,648
"Hey, Ralph, how are ya?"
687
00:25:17,716 --> 00:25:19,176
And they grab
his wife by the ass.
688
00:25:19,250 --> 00:25:20,370
"Hey, Ralphie, how ya doin'?"
689
00:25:20,418 --> 00:25:22,348
The guy puts his hand
down his wife's dress.
690
00:25:22,420 --> 00:25:24,190
This happens a dozen times.
691
00:25:24,255 --> 00:25:27,015
And the guy sittin' behind him leans
down, he taps him on the shoulder.
692
00:25:27,058 --> 00:25:29,958
He says, "Ralph, you let
these guys do this to your wife?"
693
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:31,038
He said, "what am I gonna do?
694
00:25:31,062 --> 00:25:32,562
If I leave her home,
they fuck her."
695
00:25:32,630 --> 00:25:34,730
(laughing)
696
00:25:34,799 --> 00:25:38,699
♪♪
697
00:26:17,942 --> 00:26:21,852
♪♪
698
00:26:21,902 --> 00:26:26,452
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