All language subtitles for Arliss s03e09 Stanley Babson Win, Place or Show.eng

♪ ♪

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of
becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

(bell dings)

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make
their dreams come true.

- ♪ ♪
- (splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is ♪

♪ That makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something ♪

♪ Oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: In this era of
million dollar contracts,

you must have specialists.

At AMM, it's Stanley Babson,

a man who helps
me put out fires.

♪ ♪

Stanley, Stanley,

what the hell are you thinking?

Treasury bills?

What is sexy about my clients

investing in treasury bills?

I'm not saying buy all T-bills.

I'm saying that the
clients who invest

in Pro-Priorities
should diversify.

This bull market isn't
gonna last forever.

Look, as usual you're being
too goddamn conservative.

Now I got a game plan here,

and I don't want you
talking me out of it

the way you've talked me
out of other investments.

Name one investment that I put

the kibosh on that
cost you money.

Viagra.

Oh, name another.

Where's Rita? Rita!

Got a little surprise
planned for your birthday.

My birthday was last week.

Took me a while to
figure out what to get you.

Be ready at noon.

Rita!

Where the hell is Rita?

Rita! Is she still working here?

Rita!

I say we preserve
the Monterey wetlands.

Monterey wetlands?

You mean like a swamp?

I think that's too far away.

I think our cause should
be geographically desirable

to Southern California.

We're talking Monterey.

What could be more desirable?

And it's better than saving

some fucking field
mouse in Lancaster.

We need some big names.

Rita, I thought you said

you could get some
sports celebrities.

- Women: Yeah.
- I can.

(arguing)

When Curt Schilling gets here...

Ah!

(coughing)

♪ ♪

Excuse me.

(whispers) Rita, do
you know what time it is?

Oh, it's, umm, 9:07.

No, it's Arliss time.

I need this room. Say goodbye

to the hemp-wearing
muffin-eaters here, okay?

- We're almost done.
- No, you are done.

Meeting adjourned!

(narrates) The torch
bearer of AMM, Stanley,

allows us room to breathe.

(coughing)

I smell smoke.

Who's smoking in here?

(narrates) His business
acumen allows my clients

to have their
cake and eat it too.

Last year, Pro-Priority's
total rate of return was 21%.

Pro-Priority is
the perfect hedge

against inflation
for Curt Schilling,

- wizard of whiffs.
- Two things:

One, I don't understand
shit about any of this,

and "B," Jeremy Brenner
only charges 2% commission.

Well, that's true but that's
because the only service

Jeremy Brenner provides
is validated parking.

He doesn't employ a full-time

investment specialist
like we do here.

And, Curt, let me tell you
something, come here.

I got my own money in this deal,

so you can be sure
I'm gonna be staying

at home, watching the store.

Now the minimum
investment to join Pro-Priority

is one million dollars.

Which had you invested
last year would show a profit

of over $200,000.

Now, if we were brokers,

you'd have had to pay
50,000 of that to us in fees.

But here at AMM, free fees!

I like that concept.

You will have to sign a
fiduciary power of attorney.

Whoa, wait a minute.
Power of attorney!

Guys that sign power of attorney

end up fucking
crying on "60 Minutes."

"60 Minutes" isn't near
the show it used to be.

You ought to check
out "Charlie Rose."

That's where you
learn the good stuff.

Curt, you are too busy with
games and long road trips

to sit down and sign checks

or for us to have
to track you down

just for a signature
to... move funds.

Especially if I gotta
track you down

somewhere where
you're not supposed to be.

(both laugh)

Look, Stanley and I are very
prudent in our investments.

I'm a big believer in prudent.

You know what? I'll trust
you guys to do the right thing.

Arliss: Of course, we're
gonna do the right thing.

You think I'm gonna
piss your money away?

What can I invest in anyway?

I always wanted to own
like a sports bar or Viagra.

Oh, you can be sure along
with the prudent investments,

I've got my eye
on a few sexy ones.

♪ ♪

Man: O-67.

The Last Valley Retirement Home,

73% occupied.

It's lovely, it's serene,

and it's a sound
investment, Arliss.

Looks like a nice
place for the elderly

to spend their golden
years, doesn't it?

Sure does.

Too bad it's sitting right where
the 18th green's gonna be.

- (sighs)
- (chuckles) What?

As soon as I line up
two more investors,

Pro-Priority will begin
turning "Cocoon" here

from the Last Valley
Retirement Village

into the Last Valley
Golf Experience!

- Ha, ha!
- You're gonna take a money-making

Piece of property and
turn it into a golf course?

No, no, no. Not a golf
course, a country club

with custom-made
homes lining the fairway.

Two by two by two by two by two.

Well, if it's real estate
you're interested in,

there is a lovely little
strip mall in West Covina

that is just... Oh, it's
gonna be a gold mine.

I don't want a strip mall!
I want my golf course!

But you're sacrificing
a profitable asset

for a speculative venture.

Right, look, I need
$200,000 to open escrow.

Cut the check from Curt
Schilling's contribution.

No, no, no, that is a
non-refundable deposit.

Right, cut the check.

Arliss, there are risks here.

I am telling you that
this is a safe investment.

There are always
gonna be old people.

Which word don't you understand?

(emphatically) Cut
the fucking check!

(mimics whoosh) Ha!

(narrates) Investments
are like any trend.

It's all a matter of timing.

When a window of
financial opportunity opens,

- you've got to be there.
- (bell rings)

Stanley: Why did Arliss
even call me down there?

He never listens to
what I have to say.

You'll get used to it.

I graduated from
Wharton with honors,

worked on Wall
Street for five years.

And I've got some
flesh-peddling college dropout...

(man speaks
indistinctly on P.A.)

telling me how I should
invest a client's money.

Man, you are in serious
need of a Johnny Walker I.V.

You know a trip to
the racetrack seems

more like a surprise
for your birthday.

Don't be stupid. My
birthday isn't until November.

Hey, Kirby.

Hey, hey, Ray.

Now this is a man who
knows how to invest money.

Ray Doyle. Stanley Babson.

- Stanley.
- Ray.

Ray knows the ponies.

It used to be his career.

Oh, you were a jockey.

No, fullback for the Rams.

Hey, you put on a few pounds.

Yeah, I don't have to
throw up anymore. (laughs)

Ray used to be one of
the top riders in the '80s.

Best sandbagger going.

He knew how to hold a horse back

while making him look
like he was running full out.

I won more money losing

- than most jockeys do winning.
- (cap clatters)

Oh. How inspirational.

Are you gonna let this Arliss
thing ruin your whole day?

Get the stick out of your
ass and have some fun.

♪ ♪

You got your ticket.
Move on, cowboy.

- Man: Alright, alright.
- (bell rings)

You want to see fun?

Give me $5 on...

I'll show you fun. Step aside.

I want to place
two dollars on...

Fleet Denise.

Hey, your girlfriend's
a big spender.

Isn't she?

♪ ♪

Nobody likes a
winner who sulks...

Barkeep, another round.

Unless he's buying.
(clicks tongue)

Little aid, please.

I'm gonna make it all
back on the feature.

I really like this
Blue Chip Property.

Blue Chip Property,
is he in today?

I like that horse.
He's a good bet.

(whispers) Oh, my
god. That's Bob Baffert.

He trained Silver
Charm and Real Quiet.

He won the last two
Kentucky Derbies.

So, Bob, y... you like
Blue Chip Property?

I've been watching him. He could
change somebody's life this afternoon.

- How so?
- Well, he's in a feature race today

Which is a $100,000
claiming race.

Put up a hundred grand.

When the gate comes
open, you own him.

If he finishes last,
you still own him?

If he breaks a leg
you still own him.

Look, guys, I'd still
be mucking stalls today

if I didn't take risks in life.

Thanks for the beer, guys.

Yeah.

Where you going?

Checking out some property.

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Hi, Rita, it's Curt Schilling.

(on phone) Is
Arliss or Stanley in?

I want to find
out if I'm rich yet.

Oh, Arliss is in a meeting,
and Stanley's out but, Curt,

since I have you here,

I was wondering,
how would you like

to speak to our west side
political awareness group?

Sure, I... I guess.

Okay, great. How's
Wednesday, noon?

Wednesday's bad.

I'm hosting a fundraiser
for Lou Gehrig's disease.

How's Thursday?

Can't. I'm addressing
the Audubon Society.

- Sunday?
- No way.

Sunday's the first day of duck
hunting season, and I ain't missing that.

- Later.
- (line clicks)

(mutters) Fuck.

Announcer on P.A.: At
number four in the claim race,

- ♪ ♪
- Blue Chip Property.

Kirby: Oh, man, he's beautiful.

I'm buying it.

What?

Dude, you're lit.

The house is out of the barn.

You don't have
that kind of bank!

That's a $100,000 horse.

Arliss says I need to invest

the client's money
more aggression.

That property comes
recommended by Bob Baffert.

It's like Bill Gates
telling you to invest

in Microsoft, back in '82.

Right, Kirby?

Since you put it that way.

Ha!

But you gotta remember you're
buying a racehorse, not a puppy.

- You got to have a trainer.
- I don't care. I don't care.

Pro-Priority is gonna
own... own a racehorse.

Yee-haa!

♪ ♪

Well, if there's one
man to be the architect

of the Last Valley
Experience, it's Jim Colbert.

- Arliss, how are you?
- Pretty good, you check out the plans?

I've been looking at it, Arliss.
I see some real problems.

What kind of problems?

Arliss, you got 12
doglegs to the left.

Yeah, yeah. That's
our signature.

Bullshit, Arliss. They
all go out 230 yards

and then they go dead left

for that weak
left-handed slice of yours.

Well, it's not that weak.

And also, your luxury home?

That's where the
clubhouse should be.

No, no, no, that's the
highest spot on the course.

Exactly. Traditionally, that's
where the clubhouse goes.

You want tradition,
go play Augusta.

You got a slice or a duck hook,

you play the Last
Valley Experience.

Arliss, it's your track.

It's my track.

- (bell rings)
- Announcer on P.A.: the clubhouse turn

Is Alexander the Great,
followed by Furry Murray,

Crazy for Gina, I Got Charisma,

Dancin' Dan, and
Blue Chip Property.

- Both: Go! Go!
- Crazy for Gina pulling up on Furry Murray...

Go to the whip!

Announcer: followed by I Got
Charisma, Dancin' Dan, Tess' Best.

And at the wire, it's
Alexander the Great,

Furry Murray, Crazy for Gina,

and Blue Chip Property
bringing up the rear.

Oh, man.

That is one slow horse.

♪ ♪

Congratulations,
you just bought a cow.

I'm glad I'm not you.

Oh.

Arliss: Look, no one knows the
worth of Eric Young more than me,

but, Eric, you just
signed a four-year deal.

I can't renegotiate until
the All-Star break, okay?

- Okay.
- I'll see you later.

Hello, Eric.

Hello, Rita Wu. What's up?

Well, I was wondering,

what's your stand on
doctor-assisted suicide?

Why, have you seen
the Dodgers play lately?

I'm a part of a west side
political action group,

and we're looking for
a celebrity spokesman

to take on a cause...
as soon as we find one.

Well, Rita, the only suicide I'm
interested in is the suicide squeeze.

What about animals?

Mmm! Love them.
They're delicious.

- Hey, how you doing, Eric?
- Hey, Kirby.

- Uck!
- See you later, Rita.

Well, what about
the... the desert ficus?

- (elevator dings)
- (sighs)

If I were you, instead
of trying to save

the endangered stump
whuzzlers of the world,

I'd be interested in
trying to save my job!

Wait, I...

Never pitch an AMM client

for one of your
personal goals, ever!

- Do you understand?
- No, I was just...

Am I speaking in tongues today?

(emphatically) Do
you understand?

Yes.

Merci beaucoup.

♪ ♪

(Stanley moans)

Stanley, are... are
you feeling alright?

Feel great.

Feel fine. Super.

How else should I be feeling?

Jesus Christ! Ah!

Don't eyeball me.

♪ ♪

Hmm.

Announcer on TV: Coming
down to the final furlong,

it's Cherie's Secret, followed by
Busta Move, and My Sister Lisa.

Busta Move not
catching Cherie's Secret.

Cherie's Secret in first place

followed by Busta
Move, My Sister Lisa,

and Born Even Steven,
Johnny Come Lately,

Get On This Bus, and I
think that's Blue Chip Property,

way, way back there.

♪ ♪

Arliss: Forthright
and upstanding,

Stanley Babson knows the
meaning of checks and balances.

In an unstable
financial climate,

his investments stand tall.

(chuckles) Oh, yes.

Arliss: Stanley's knack
of picking winners

beats all others to the punch.

By my definition,
that's security.

Announcer: And they're
off! Jeremy's Day is

out fast followed
by Rockin' Rosie,

Hair And Make-up, Baker's Pride,

Elyse Lightening,
Play Christie For Me,

and Freddie's Birthday.

And it looks like
Blue Chip Property's

finally got things
straightened out.

Arliss: Oh, there's no
groping around for answers

when you've got Stanley Babson
in charge of fiduciary matters.

Look at all these expenses.

You tell Tattoo over there,

the next time he
tears up a hotel room,

it's coming out of his winnings.

Winnings. (laughs)

(both moaning)

Hey, come on. He's the only jockey
willing to ride a galloping glue factory.

(laughs) Good news!

I got good news! (spanks)

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Look, Eric Young just
bought into Pro-Priority.

One more investor, we
start firing up the bulldozers!

Great! That's... that's great.

Listen, start checking into when
the lease is up on wheezer world.

I gotta start evicting
these tenants A.S.A.P.

Say, listen, I got a great idea.

Why don't we have a celebrity
pro-am for the inaugural?

(snaps fingers) Good idea.

Well, that's a ways off.

Don't we have to
grow grass first?

No, no, think sod.
Baby, think sod.

- What the heck is going on with...
- Oh, nothing.

Arliss: What's going on...

- (door closes)
- (moaning)

What's going on in there?
Who are those people?

Oh, just friends of
his from Wharton.

- Oh. Wharton?
- Yeah.

Oh, I've gotta come clean.

I've gotta tell Arliss
what I've done.

Maybe not.

I know a way we can
get your money back.

Please, no more tips.

You know for a guy
with a college degree,

you know nothing
about the outside world.

Hey, Stiller and
Meara, hit the trail.

(door closes)

Your horse is insured, right?

Yes.

Let's just say, God forbid,

something were to
happen to the horse.

You're insane.

I know a guy. Let's just say

he's good with animals.

You want me to
employ... a horse whacker?

Stan. Shh!

Yeah, umm, please leave!

Stan, you don't have
a money maker here.

Cut your losses.

♪ ♪

Come on, what's the harm
of just talking with the guy?

(laughs)

No. (chuckling)

(dramatic music plays)

Stanley: Uhh... (clears throat)

(whispers) Ray sent me.

Mm-hmm.

Stanley: So, umm...

how are you gonna...

do it?

Shh. This is my favorite part.

I'm gonna unhitch the
trailer on the freeway.

(normal voice)
God, no, that's awful!

Man: Shh! Quiet, please.

(whispers) How else?

Give him a non-steroidal
blood thinner.

I mask it from
toxicology with licorice.

Is it humane?

I'm not Dr. Kevorkian.

♪ ♪

Oh, god.

Um, I've gotta sleep on this.

Do you have a card?

Not on me.

Ray knows where to reach me.

♪ ♪

I swear, Troy,
you're our first choice.

Shit!

I mean, take care.

Umm, morning, Stanley.

Blue Chip Property.

With the Blue Chip Property.

(clatters)

♪ Bop, ba, da, da, da ♪

Hi there, everybody,

this is Arliss "We're Now In
The Golf Business" Michaels.

Pete Sampras has wired his
million dollars into Pro-Priority,

and we have enough down
for the Last Valley Experience.

Arliss, I think something's
wrong with Stanley.

(whispers) I think he has a
substance abuse problem.

Oh, please, Rita, not now.

You're blowing my high.

I'm in a harmonic state.

Get that Baker
Harrison on the phone.

♪ Bob, ba, da, da, da ♪

That's right. I need a check

payable to the Last
Valley Real Estate Holdings

for $2.8 million.

I need the full amount
cleared by the end of today.

I'm sorry, Arliss, but
I show that account

to have only 2,657,000
available for withdrawal.

What? That's a mistake.

AMM deposited $3
million over the last month.

We cut one check for 200,000.

Now by my math,
that's still 2.8 million.

Baker on phone:
That's correct, Arliss,

but there have been other
checks written to that account.

What other checks?

♪ ♪

When you have an intervention,

don't you normally
have more people?

If I were to invite Kirby,

he'd probably say
that you didn't have

a substance-abuse problem.

(chuckles) A substance-
abuse problem.

It's okay.

Stan, I know about these things.

I chaired the Crack Down
On Crack Walkathon in '93.

Rita, I do not have a
substance abuse problem.

(sighs) Denial.

Clockwork.

What the hell is
Blue Chip Property?

Oh good, Arliss, you can
help. I'm having an intervention.

Uh, Blue Chip Property?

Yeah.

It's a special asset.
Didn't I tell you about that?

- No, you didn't.
- You know, I need something to drink.

(whispers) See? Drink.

Hey. Whoa. Ah!

What's up with these checks?

Feed, veterinarian, a trainer?

Did you buy a ranch?

A ranch? Oh, that's good.

This particular asset is
a little more speculative.

Steeper risk-reward curve stuff,

which is exactly what you
wanted, if I'm not mistaken!

Oh, shit. I've got a massage.

Keep talking.

It's a... it's a racehorse.

I... I'm sorry. I thought
you said, "Racehorse."

I told him not the
buy it. I swear to God.

I tried to talk him out of it,
but he wouldn't listen to me!

I know what you're thinking,

but the truth is racehorses
can be tremendous earners.

Silver Charm last year
earned three million,

and that was on
$80,000, and that's...

That's high-yield!

How much has this horse earned?

Well, to date?

- Nothing.
- (shouts) Nothing? Nothing?

Nothing? Nothing?

Don't you have a
fucking massage to go to?

Actually, yes, I do.

- I think I'll tag along.
- I think you'll make a right!

(mutters)

You, Stanley, you!

Kirby, I expect it of, but you?

I was only following
your advice.

You told me to invest in
high-risk venture, so I did!

Sell the horse!

It's a little more
involved than that.

Plus, there is
some debt involved.

Do you have any
idea what you did?

Do you know what you've done?

Using power of attorney
to buy a racehorse!

Do you know what
this could cost me?

I know, I know. Your
license, your freedom.

My golf course!

Look, I don't care
what you have to do...

Sell your house,
go into your IRA,

roll your Aunt Betty...
But I want every penny

you took back into Pro-Priority
by the end of the week!

Do you understand?

(shouts emphatically)
Do you understand!

Yes! Every word.

Good!

Hey, do you think
maybe I could borrow

the money from
you and pay it back?

♪ ♪

You want me to put my
own money into Pro-Priority?

You do have a problem.

(laughing)

(door closes)

(gags)

♪ ♪

(snoring)

(horse nickers)

(horse neighing)

Blue Chip: Stanley! Stanley!

Wake up!

Jesus.

I like my life, pal.

Eight square meals a day,

horseshoe deal, 18-inch dick.

Wow!

I'd like to grow old, Stanley,

knock up a mare,

have a couple of colts.

Why am I taking the
rap for your stupidity?

If anybody should
be taking the fall,

it's you. Loser!

(gasps)

Man on phone: Yeah?

Whack the horse!

Arliss: What I admire most about
Stanley is his demeanor during a crisis.

There's no finger pointing.

There's no passing of the buck.

His decisions get
right to the point.

He'll never throw
good money after bad,

but always gives his
investments the shot they deserve.

Free the horses, race Porsches!

(megaphone blares)

(neighs)

- (grunts)
- Group: Free the horses,

Race Porsches!

Tippi Hedren, great chant!

Rita, you can
always count on me.

Free the horses, race Porsches!

- (police siren blares)
- Woman: Uh-oh.

The pigs, scram.

(people yell)

Okay, wait. What?

Wait! Come back!

Give it to me.

James, start the car!

♪ ♪

You got a permit to assemble?

A... a permit?

♪ ♪

(knocking)

I was just visualizing
myself striding

to the 18th green
with Tiger and Clint,

and then it all
went up in smoke.

The...

Last Valley Golf Experience
fell out of escrow?

Uh-huh.

And you lost your deposit.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I had to reimburse Pro-Priority

with $200,000 of my own money.

Well, this should cheer you up.

I-I... I sold Blue Chip
Property to Bob Baffert.

For how much?

(clears throat) Ten thousand.

Ten thousand dollars, alright.

That only puts me down...

One hundred and...

190,000.

Arliss... I'm sorry.

The bottom line
is... I fucked up.

A hundred and ninety
thousand dollars.

And I'm stuck with
an old folks' home.

Oh, well.

It's only money.

I've worked out a payment
plan, though, and I will...

I'll pay you back every
dime that I owe you.

I wish I could put
a positive spin on it,

but I can't.

♪ ♪

Well...

maybe you can.

♪ ♪

(narrates) Accountability.

It can describe a person
good with numbers...

I-23.

Man: Louder!

(shouts) I-23.

(people murmur)

Arliss: Or it can mean a
man who is true to his word.

Both definitions
fit the dependable

and indispensable
Stanley Babson.

G-51.

- Arliss: Bingo!
- Oh!

Bingo! I got bingo!

- Stanley: It's a $20 pot.
- (chuckles)

(mutters) One hundred
and eighty-nine thousand,

nine hundred and
eighty left to go.

- Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.
- Bingo.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Arliss: Eleven under the "B."

Sixteen under the "I."

Free space.

Fifty-two under the "G."

Seventy-three under the "O."

(camera clicks)

(theme music plays)

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