All language subtitles for Arliss s02e08 Visionary for a New Millennium.eng

(dramatic music plays)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make
their dreams come true.

- (splashes)
- (theme music plays)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never
wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be
beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're
together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started
something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met
you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ ♪

Hi, everybody.

I am Drew Monroe,

America's sweetheart.

See ya soon in "Peter Pan '98,"

brought to you by
Big Kettle Soup.

Sips like a soup,

eats like a meal.

Join Wendy, Tiger Lily,

Captain Hook, Tinkerbell,

and me, Drew Monroe,

when we come to your town,

and watch me fly!

Announcer: Tickets
at Ticketmaster now.

Arliss.

Drew Monroe,
America's sweetheart.

When she won the gold, we just
didn't get her a cereal commercial,

we took her to a
new level... the sky!

At AMM, we don't just
negotiate for the '90s,

we market for a new millennium.

- (applause)
- Thank you. Thank you.

Very impressive,
very impressive, Arliss.

And of course since 1987,

this tour has
grossed $60 million.

- Sixty-three.
- Sixty-three.

Giselle Jaynes, your response?

I'm sorry this might
soar in the flyover states,

but on Madison Avenue
it would dive-bomb.

If I read accurately
between the lines,

I'd say you have a
different point of view.

(chuckles) Well, I
hate to be disagreeable,

but putting an Olympic
gymnast in "Peter Pan"

is hardly cutting-edge wizardry.

It's marketing for the last
millennium, not the next one.

Arliss?

Miss Jaynes, as you
know, New York City,

which I assume you're from,

seeing as you're dressed
as if you're going to a funeral,

is in its own little
millennium, isn't it,

which begs the question,
"How do you feel qualified

to speak for the
rest of the country?"

- Oh, I don't.
- Good.

I do, however, feel qualified

to know when I'm
listening to someone

in love with the
sound of his own voice.

And that's the bell for
the end of round one.

(applause)

(jazz music plays)

Thanks for meeting
me out here, Orlando.

Normally I wouldn't keep
the #1 draft choice waiting,

but I couldn't get out
of this seminar thing.

You sure you didn't
miss anything?

Some Sweet'N Low maybe?

"Sweet'N Low."

Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Can I get some Sweet'N Low? Thanks.
- Man: Yeah.

Now, here's what I got planned.

(pager beeping)

Oh man, I gotta go
pick my girlfriend up.

Now? What am I gonna
do with all this food?

Pay for it.

Later.

(Arliss narrates) I'm always on
the lookout for new challenges.

One never knows when
opportunity will present itself.

Eating for two?

Well, you see, I'm so in love
with the sound of my own voice,

this way I can talk back
and forth with myself

and be in total ecstasy.

Well, don't let me interrupt,

I wouldn't wanna
come between you.

Oh, that won't happen. We've
been together much too long.

Sit down.

Thank you.

There's a lot of wildlife there.

Would you prefer
my spinach salad?

No, I like wildlife.

Really?

So... Arliss...

Is that a family name?

It has an Eastern
European ring to it.

You know, that would
be an astute observation

if there were any accuracy
to it at all, which there is not.

- Would you pass me the pepper?
- Mmm.

You could use a
little more pepper.

You know, "Giselle" is
one of my favorite ballets.

Really?

First performed
at the Paris Opera

in... 1841.

♪ ♪

Perhaps I've underestimated you.

Oh, I hope so.

I make my living off of
people who underestimate me.

Then again, perhaps not.

You ready for another drink?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Great. Well, when you get yours,

would you get me one
too? I'm really thirsty.

I'll take care of you.

- Giselle: It's Rodgers & Hammerstein.
- Arliss: It's "Pal Joey."

- (laughs)
- ♪ If they asked me ♪

♪ I could write a book ♪

♪ About the way you
walked and whisper ♪

♪ And look ♪

Both: ♪ I could
write a preface ♪

♪ On how we met ♪

♪ So the world
would never forget ♪

♪ And the simple secret ♪

♪ Of the plot ♪

♪ Is just to tell
them that I love... ♪

(moaning)

Oh, that was good.

That was long.

- (both laugh)
- Incredible.

- So... this horse walks into a bar.
- Uh-huh.

The bartender looks
at it and says, "Hey, pal,

why the long face?"

- Oh!
- (both laugh)

- So, Giselle...
- Uh-huh?

Do you really think
that sports marketing

is stuck in the stone age?

Is there anything
that predates stone?

- Monday Night Football?
- (laughs)

(phone rings)

Hello? Oh, it's yours.

- (moans)
- (laughs)

- (chuckles)
- (beeps)

- Hello!
- Arliss, you fucking suck!

Hey, how's America's sweetheart?

Eat shit.

Arliss, I am flat out
highly discontented

with my state of affairs

regarding your
agentship with me.

- Drew, what's wrong?
- (whispers) Is it Drew Monroe?

I'm stuck up here like a
goddamn turkey buzzard

who's had its wings clipped,

my fucking leotard
climbing up my crotch.

Drew, Drew, you've been
in the show four years.

You know rehearsals
can be a stressful period.

- Is she having trouble with the director?
- Shh!

This fucking director
is mentally deficient!

I think they deprived him of
some serious oxygen in the womb,

which he shared with a newt.

Drew, Drew, listen, listen.

No, you listen. I hereby quit!

Drew?

Will somebody get me down?

Get me the fuck down!

- Drew?
- (dial tone)

Shit.

(groans)

I gotta go. Stay here.

Don't move. I'll be back.

- I'm coming with you.
- Oh, not a chance.

Where the hell are my socks?

Arliss, I've been dealing
with divas all my life.

Honey, I served four
years with Diana Ross.

- Maybe I can help.
- You? Help?

After what you said at the
seminar? Help "Peter Pan"?

You are about the last person in
the world I want to be at this thing.

Oh, they're probably
fighting over blocking...

Where the hell are my socks?

Or scheduling or costumes.

God, I remember the time that
Liza and Michael Bennett got into it.

Look, look, look, look. Which
word don't you understand?

You are absolutely,
positively not going.

Absolutely, positively!

You are not going!

Absolutely... positively!

You're not going!

Drew: Listen, Arliss,

I want better product,
superior management!

No more feminine
hygiene products.

Some alpine flower douche

make you feel like a walking,
upside-down air freshener.

Drew, I appreciate
your concern...

No more commercials
for creamed corn,

which I had to eat mercilessly

over and over and over again.

Like giving a
tablespoon a blow job

- each time swallowing that gunk.
- Man: Here you go, baby.

You are missing some big
opportunities with me, Arliss.

Drew, you are
America's sweetheart.

Fucking "A."

- (whispers) - You do have a
highly-lucrative orange juice endorsement!

Fucking "B" for boring!

What kind of product
endorsements

would you like me
to pursue, Drew?

I don't know! That's your job!

Arliss, my boyfriend
says you suck.

"Suck"? "Suck."

In what s... a literal sense?

In a metaphorical sense?

In a "quit asking questions,

come up with some
fucking answers" sense!

I don't pay you to
diddle with your saltpeter!

Look, Drew, Drew...

Arliss, Drew is right.

I beg your pardon?

Drew, I've been
talking to the director.

He thinks it's just fine if
you keep the old blocking

for your second scene
with Wendy, okay?

Well, shit, howdy.

That's more like it.

Where's my Scotch?

(mumbles mockingly)

I like Drew. She's feisty.

She is not feisty.
She's the Antichrist.

She's got potential. I
could do a lot with her.

Giselle...

how would you
like to come to work

in my office for a month?

Take a break from New York City,

you know, get away
from winter, all that rain.

And do what?

Oversee the account...

just 'till the tour
hits the road.

(laughs) Oh, c'mon.

No, no, think of this as a
new canvas for your art,

your chance to
show the sports world

how to do things right.

Arliss, I can't work for you.

- Why not?
- I just slept with you.

Well, you wouldn't
be working for me,

you'll be working with me.

You realize, of
course, if I do come,

we can't sleep together.

Of course!

Why not?

My friends in
Minnesota have a saying,

"When it comes to work,
don't fish off the dock."

Okay. No sleeping together.

- I'm serious.
- So am I.

No sleeping together.

(Arliss narrates) When bringing
someone new into the office,

it is important to be
sensitive to one's staff.

Change must be introduced
slowly and tactfully.

My office?

It's just temporary.
It's only for a month.

What about Kirby's office?

Why not just put her in there?

Oh no. This office
is bigger, it's nicer.

There are smells in Kirby's
office that'll never come out.

Look, Stanley, do this for me.

You know I'll make it
up to you. I promise.

What can she do to
improve the "Peter Pan" tour?

It's been making 17%
for us for nine years.

That's $1,200,000 a year.

She's got ideas, you
know what I mean?

These great, cutting-edge ideas.

Look, look, Stanley, I know the
two of you are gonna get along.

I mean, you both love opera,

neither of you
can parallel park.

I mean, you have
a lot in common.

Yeah... my office!

Thanks for understanding.

You're the best.

♪ ♪

(Arliss narrates) I'm a
believer in team chemistry.

Be sure your new
hire blends in well,

producing a winning formula.

Finally, someone
around here I can talk to.

So... you two met at a seminar?

Uh-huh. Umm...

you know, Rita I don't
know anything about sports,

maybe you can help me
out in that department.

We'll do Barneys.

So, at this seminar,

afterwards you
guys had a meeting?

Ho, ho, I knew you
two would hit it off great.

Look, we gotta prepare
for the presentation.

Rita, would you excuse us?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

It's okay, you can excuse us.

Oh. Oh, of course.

You two... be alone.

- Okay.
- Goodbye.

Thank you.

- Anyway...
- Peligrino?

- No, that's fine. Thanks.
- Or coffee?

- Get outta here!
- Okay.

Okay, Oscar Schumacher
is not an easy sell,

so go ahead and dazzle me.

Okay.

Kirby: In my office?

There's not room for
two desks in my office!

That will be the least of
our problems! Trust me!

Look, there's no
touching my stuff.

Okay? And lights out
between 2:00 and 4:00...

Siesta time... and there's
no hummus allowed.

- Stanley: What?
- No hummus!

Where the hell's Arliss?

You know, they're
sleeping together.

It is so obvious, I'd bet on it.

Do you know that it
took Arliss seven rings

to answer his cell
phone the other night?

And it never takes
him that long. Never.

I think they're sleeping
together. What do you think?

- She's a dyke.
- Ugh.

She is not a dyke.

Oh, I can tell.
It's a subtle thing.

Oh, what, if your tail
turns blue, she's straight,

- if it turns pink, she's gay?
- Huh!

You know, I know that
they are sleeping together.

- I would bet on it.
- How much you wanna bet?

Kirby, you just drank
my contact lenses!

The fuck I did!

I had them soaking in there!

You owe me 150 bucks!

Hard lenses? Where
are your glasses?

I had to get my
prescription renewed.

150 bucks!

I want it by the
end of this week,

in cash, no checks, no IOU's.

No advances! (laughing)

That is a gross misuse
of a Good Burger cup!

Oh! I like your Johnnie Walker
Black campaign, Miss Giselle,

but I don't know if
liquor and tobacco

work with my little
green gold mine here.

Excuse me. Does anyone have

a cough drop, or a lifesaver,

gum, or something to suck on?

My mouth's as dry
as a monkey's ass.

The point is, Oscar,
that Giselle thinks

with the right look
and the right sound

that baby-boomers
are a prime audience.

I already have a successful
show. Why change now?

Apparently, Mr. Schumacher,

your market is narrowed
to families with 2.3 children

and limited disposal income.

I can broaden the
base to include singles,

couples, theatergoers.

The secret is to let the parents

have as much fun as the kids.

I mean...

Peter... Peter Pan is about

somebody who
doesn't wanna grow up.

Every... uh, every
adult can relate to that!

Hmm. Well, what
did you have in mind?

A Tony award-winning
director and choreographer.

Both of whom are very
excited about the possibility

of giving your show a
whole new look. (grunts)

Well, shit howdy.

You know, Arliss,

at the end of every February

I get my teeth cleaned,

I renew my annual
parking permit,

and I listen to Arliss Michaels

blow smoke up my ass.

So, Oscar, what do you think?

What the hell, huh?
Let's give it a try.

(both chuckle)

So, go swim in the
pool, Miss Giselle.

Just don't piss in it.

- (cork pops)
- (Arliss and Giselle laugh)

Oh, man, do we make
a great team or what?

- Yeah.
- You were great.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Here, here.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- (laughs)

Ooh, wait 'till you
see what I got.

Dominican, top of
the line, tough to get.

- You want one?
- No, care for one of these?

Sancho Panza.

Sancho Panza?

The Cuban consulate
is a close friend of mine.

(fizzles)

Oh...

(moans)

Oh!

Oh, Giselle,

you're sexy, you're smart,

you kiss great, you got Cubans,

and you're bringing
money into the office.

I think I could fall
in love with you.

Oh, it was a great day.

It was a great meeting.

I'm so jazzed about the tour.

The sun is shining outside...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! "The
sun is shining outside"?

If you don't watch it, lady,

you may come down with a
bad case of "Los Angelitis."

"Los Angelitis." Oh, no,
what are the symptoms?

Oh. First, you start
breaking out in colors.

I hope it isn't terminal.

Then you have this
uncontrollable urge

to leave baseball
games in the 7th inning.

You have to wait 'till the 7th?

(chuckles) Wait 'till
you hear my next idea

about how I'm gonna
make you more money.

Ooh, I love it when
you talk dirty to me.

A gay travel agency.

(laughs) I beg your pardon?

It's a tie-in, actually.

We book luxury cruises
with gay star athletes...

Greg Louganis, Martina, Muffin.

That is the worst
idea I have ever heard.

Well, what's so
terrible about it?

Giselle, these are two worlds.

- Uh-huh.
- This is your world,

the world of Halston,
Isaac Mizrahi,

and Harvey Fierstein.

- Mmm.
- This is my world,

the world of Gatorade,
chewing tobacco,

- and jock itch.
- (chuckles)

These two worlds
don't generally collide.

You see, in my world
there are still people

who are uncomfortable
with homosexuality.

Your Queen Mary idea
could cost me clients.

What does it say
about our world, Arliss?

Yours and mine?

Well, I don't know
about your world,

but in my world today
somebody slipped me a sock.

Now, if there's gonna be
"no fishing off the dock,"

there's gonna be no
chumming the waters.

♪ ♪

(Arliss narrates) When
making a personnel decision,

it's important not just
to think with your head.

(moaning)

One should reach down

and go with a
deeper gut feeling.

- No, we can't.
- Of course not.

- Why did I forget?
- (moans)

No, Arliss. No.

It'll undermine my
position with you.

That's okay. We can find
another position. I'll try...

-It doesn't work. It's a bad idea.
-It's a terrible idea.

They already had
turndown service.

I mean, why not?
Just one more night.

Believe me, it's just
as hard for me, babe.

They left a mint.

- I knew you'd come back.
- See you tomorrow.

(sighs)

♪ ♪

(Arliss narrates) Once I bring
someone new into the office,

I give them plenty of space.

Giselle, I got two tickets for
the Lakers, courtside, tonight.

- Do you want to come?
- Oh, sorry, I can't.

I'm going to the Schnabel
exhibit at the Hammer.

Well, how about a nightcap
at the hotel bar later?

No good. Maybe tomorrow. Bye!

Look, don't make
any plans tonight.

I scored two tickets for
that performance art piece,

"Beowolf on Ice."

Oh, I saw it, but
thanks, you'll love it.

Arliss, can I ask
you a question?

We're not sleeping together!

Alexi, I'm telling you,

this is the year soccer
takes off in the US.

And who knows,
maybe next year Europe.

Yeah, whatever, Arliss. Listen, just
don't send me back to Costa Rica.

Those people are
crazy down there.

They're throwing batteries,
they're throwing bottles,

they're starting fights in the
stands, and that's just the women.

Oh, I'm sorry,
you're in a meeting.

Oh, come in, come
in. Come on in.

I... I just had some great news.

Oh great. First of
all, I want you to meet

- my star soccer client.
- Alexi Lalas.

Giselle Jaynes,
pleasure to meet you.

Martina's a go.

Great, great! For what?

The gay travel agency.

She wants to fly out next
week and talk about it.

You're running a travel
service with gay athletes?

N... well, no, no, it's
just some silly idea.

I mean, I wouldn't
worry about it.

Giselle, ix-nay on the ay-gay.

What we wanna do
is set up luxury cruises

with star gay athletes to
wonderful destinations...

Mykonos, Sardinia.

(chuckles) It's not a done deal.

Arliss, that is so cool!
See, that's why I'm with you,

you're always coming up
with these great new ideas.

Yeah, yeah, well, that's
what we try to do here.

We try cutting-edge
stuff, new breaking ideas.

- Thanks!
- We'll talk details later.

Pleasure to meet you.

Man, she's hot.

You two aren't...

Oh, absolutely not!

Great. I'm gonna get her number.

♪ ♪

I don't like soccer anyway.

Stupid, silly game.

Back and forth, back
and forth, back and forth...

(sighs)

Hey, there.

What are you doing here?

Umm... guarding the table.

Afraid someone might steal it?

What are you doing here?

These invitations for the
opening have to go out tomorrow.

And, who are you
going out with tomorrow?

Did you and Alexi
have fun last night?

Yes, I did have fun with Alexi.

We had drinks. He's charming.

He explained soccer to me.

And what do his socks look like?

They have little
soccer balls on them

with little goalies
around the cuff.

Cute.

Arliss...

have I thanked you yet?

No.

Well, then, thank you for
inviting me into your world.

You're absolutely right.

It's... stimulating,
it's challenging,

and somehow I suspect, Arliss,

that you've always
wanted to dip into my world.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Where'd you have drinks?

In my bathtub.

♪ ♪

Since our hands

and slick, glistening
bodies were wet...

it was difficult to hold
onto the stem of the glass.

But somehow we surmounted.

♪ This is more than
a mood that I feel ♪

♪ It's so real,
it's an attitude ♪

♪ But your cool heart survives,
melting down in the night ♪

♪ And it's all so good ♪

♪ So much more than
a spark in the dark ♪

♪ With two eyes
reaching overload ♪

♪ Just a kiss does the trick ♪

♪ So come on, hit my switch ♪

♪ I think I'm gonna explode ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh,
this is primitive ♪

♪ You make me
feel so primitive ♪

- ♪ What a good... ♪
- (car honks)

75 bucks.

What?

I only owe you 75 bucks.

Kirby...

assuming I would ever
put that lens in my eye...

Which I would never do,
considering where it's been...

What good is one
lens gonna do me?

Half the goods... half the debt.

Oh, you've heard

that the whole is greater
than the sum of its parts?

Well, in this case,
the parts are less

than half the whole.

You still owe me $150.

What if I produce the other one?

It's almost been a month!

It got stuck somewhere.

Kirby, I am charging you
interest on the full amount.

Take it.

(thuds)

(Arliss narrates) The
high point for any mentor

is finally getting
to see the fruits

of his protege's labor.

Now, Oscar, it's only
a dress rehearsal,

but I thought you'd get a
kick out of seeing it first.

Thanks, Arliss. I
remember seeing

a sneak preview of "Tom Thumb"

with Russ Tamblyn
when I was just a boy.

Oh, this is gonna
be better than that.

(rock music plays)

Hook: ♪ I'm gonna
thrust it down ♪

♪ I'm gonna take you over ♪

♪ And then I'll break you down ♪

♪ You'll want it over and over ♪

♪ You'll say it
again and again ♪

Give it to me, Hook!
Give it to me, Hook!

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Gonna stick it to ya ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Gonna lick it up ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Wanna take it to ya ♪

♪ Gonna suck
the life out of you ♪

♪ ♪

Oscar. Oscar?

Oscar, Oscar, let's
talk about the show.

This must be an improv,
some kind of character work.

This has nothing to do with
the opening-night performance,

- I assure you.
- Well, I assure you

that I will never let you
assure me of anything again.

You're fired, Arliss.

- Oscar.
- You're fired!

(rock music fades)

Arliss. What are you doing here?

What are you thinking?
What is in your mind?

"Peter Pan" is about innocence.

It's about childhood.
It's about eternal youth!

How dare you just
show up at a rehearsal!

You never do that in theater.

You never just wander in
without asking the director first.

- Oscar Schumacher just dropped out.
- What?

Big Kettle Soup
just dropped out!

Well, he has no taste.

"Taste"?

You got Captain Hook
with a codpiece! "Taste"!

This show is gonna
be a major hit.

The critic from "Vanity
Fair" was here yesterday,

and he loved it.

You just lost me a
major account, Giselle.

Arliss!

(thunder rumbling)

You wanted cutting edge,
I gave you cutting edge!

Giselle, just because you didn't
like the show the way it was,

doesn't mean a
lot of other people

didn't look forward to
bringing their 2.3 children to it.

Not everybody dresses
in black all the time.

I'll get other backers.

- No, you won't.
- Yes, I will.

The show is canceled!
The show is over!

The show is in Never Neverland!

Arliss, I don't think
this is gonna work.

Of course it doesn't work!

No, I mean us.

♪ ♪

- What?
- We've both known it all along.

Arliss Michaels is
attracted to my world,

but Arliss Michaels
Management isn't ready for it.

Not yet anyway.

What about last night?

Last night was wonderful.

Hey, Giselle,

get your perky ass back in here.

We're doing the menáge finale.

- Whoo-hoo!
- (door closes)

You look good in the rain.

I have to go back to rehearsal.

By the way...

did you hear the one
about the blind guy

who was handed a
piece of matzo and said,

"Hey, who wrote this shit?"

(chuckles)

We'll talk.

Absolutely.

♪ ♪

(door closes)

(Arliss narrates) The
visionary takes chances.

He thinks ahead and imagines

what lies beyond the next turn.

In so doing, he helps
define the future.

At Arliss Michaels
Management, we take risks.

We dare to bring in people
with cutting-edge ideas.

We were the first, for example,

to pioneer luxury cruises
with gay star athletes,

a revolutionary
and lucrative idea

that keeps our
business affairs staff

working overtime.

And true to her word,
Giselle found the money

and the show in fact, did go on.

Unfortunately, Drew had
neglected to tell Giselle

that she was six weeks pregnant.

Opening night, she
had morning sickness

- and threw up over the audience.
- (people shout)

The show closed
before the second act.

♪ And the simple... ♪

(Arliss narrates)
In business, like life,

you have to make choices.

Some will turn out
well, others won't,

but do not be afraid
to push the envelope.

It is better to
have hired and lost

than never to have hired at all.

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ As my book ends ♪

♪ How to make two lovers ♪

♪ A friend... ♪

(rock music playing)

♪ Ah... yeah! ♪

♪ Oh yeah! ♪

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