All language subtitles for A.P.Bio.S04E07.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[synth music]

* *

- I remember when life
was more normal.

But then some guy
had to go and murder

my kid brother
in cold blood.

[screams]

I did what anyone
in my position

would do as a woman
in the '70s.

I became a vigilante cop,

or tried to.

[panting]

Guess I didn't have the right
equipment in my pants.

[screams]

But I was able to become a
receptionist at the precinct.

- [off-tune]
* Janet Fist *

* Vigilante receptionist *

[police radio chatter]

[soft dramatic music]

* *

- Move.

- Hey.

- You in charge here?
- Yeah.

Create a perimeter over there.
Move those people back.

- Janet Fist. Receptionist.
This is my crime scene now.

Dissolve that perimeter.
Move those people back in.

Get them back up close.

- Now I don't know
who you think--

[phone trilling]
- Ah.

- Toledo Police,
how may I direct your call?

Transferring.

I'll take it from here.

- You can't kick the FBI out.
You're just a receptionist.

- Oh, I forgot to give you
your messages.

Your brother called.

He's banging your wife.
- [gasps]

Hey, you.
Gimme your gun real quick.

- Uh, okay.
Just be really careful with it.

- Yeah, yeah.

[gunshot]
- Ahh!

- That's what I thought.
Arrest her. To hell.

[gunshots]
[people screaming]

- [screams]
[phone trilling]

Toledo Police,
how may I direct your call?

Oh, actually,
the county deals with that.

- [off-tune] * Jane Fist *
- One, two, three, four!

- * Next time,
I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time,
well, I'll be smart *

[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]

* *

- Ms. Miller's time off
is really working out for us.

I mean, I hate to root
for more back failure, but--

- Yeah, if we're lucky,
she'll never walk again

and I'll get to sub forever.

[both laugh]

I think I took it too far.

- Yeah, that felt bad.
- Yeah.

- Hey, you wanna
do your place tonight?

I was thinking we could take
a bowling ball

and toss it
on your memory foam mattress

and see if a glass
of wine falls over.

I've just--I've always
wanted to do that.

- Ooh, that would normally be
a very big, "Yes."

But I have dinner with
a childhood friend tonight.

- Oh, wow, childhood friend?

Very cool.
I'd be down to meet her.

- He, actually.
His name is Malachi.

- [stammering] It's a he?
- Yeah.

- No, I don't know
why I assumed she.

It's very, very normal for you
to have a childhood friend

that's male, you know,
or any gender, really.

- It's really not a big deal.
You'll just be bored.

- Oh, do--sorry,
do you not want me

to come to dinner with you
and this male friend?

- [clears throat] Stop pushing.

- No, no, you're more
than welcome to come.

I'm just saying,
you'd probably be bored.

Oh, gosh, I gotta go.

- Open input on this one, guys.
- Okay.

Don't crash
your new girlfriend's dinner.

- Okay, well, I wouldn't be
crashing it, okay?

Because she clearly said that I
was more than welcome to come.

I mean, you know,
the wedding crashers

weren't more than welcome
to attend those weddings.

That would have been
a very different movie.

- I'd still watch it.

For me, it's more about those
characters than the premise.

- Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, see,
down here is welcome.

You know, and here's
where I'm sitting.

All the way up here.
More than welcome.

- Yeah, "More than welcome"

always means,
"Please don't come."

- Yeah, right, like I'm gonna
take social advice from a guy

who's constantly
boring people with map facts.

- People are interested to know
that the entire country

of Poland could fit
inside the state of Texas.

- What? Oh!

- You're awfully quiet
over there, Sarika.

- Because I agree with Marcus.

- Well, I agree, but what do
I know about women?

Nothing.
Am I right?

You can laugh.
It was meant to be funny.

- Look, Mr. Griffin,
if you attend this dinner,

then you're clearly feeling a
little threatened about Shayla

having an intimate evening
with her long-term male friend.

- I'd actually forgotten
that he was a male friend

until you just said that
right now, you know.

And, guys, I bring a lot
to a dinner, all right?

I mean, if this dinner
had a title, it would be

"Ivy League Love Interest Gets
Shown Off To Childhood Friend."

- More like, "Kind Woman Tries
To Bond With Childhood Friend

While Attention-Starved Man
Child Commandeers Evening."

- Anthony, take a lap.

- "Sounds like your girlfriend
is gonna love this dinner,"

said the guy
with no girlfriend.

Please?

Guys, I doubled down to make
the earlier one less sad.

- Mr. Griffin, if you go,
you may be putting Shayla

in the position
to explain inside jokes.

And that's...

not ideal.

- Whenever I'm around friends
sharing jokes I don't get,

I make sure
to laugh really hard like...

[laughs loudly]

It makes people
more comfortable.

- Anyone wanna get this train
back on track?

- The woman does not
want you there.

- Someone other than Yuyao?
- Boss, I've got it.

You go,
and you drive this dude insane

by never making
direct eye contact.

Just always stare at his
forehead like I'm doing now.

- Oh, are you doing it now,
to me?

- Yeah. It's unnerving, right?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- The key is to go
and not care.

Just like, "'Sup?

"Nah, go on have
that little snack, girl.

You got a whole meal
over here."

- Yeah, and then the
childhood friend will be like,

"This guy is really cool."

- And then the manager
will be like,

"You guys are so cool.

Everything's
on the house tonight."

- And then they order, like,
a million apps.

- And then Mr. Griffin brings
in the leftovers

for lunch tomorrow,
but he can't eat all those.

So then he throws them
in the trash.

- Yeah, but we put a new bag
in the trash can.

So we're munching
on mozzarella sticks all day.

- Nah, y'all just took
what I did and made it bad.

- Guys, I'm not going to this
dinner out of jealousy, okay?

Or because I feel, like,
threatened in some way, okay?

It's not that, all right?

I'm organically permeating this
new layer of our relationship.

She hadn't invited me

to hang out with
any of her close friends yet.

- And she still hasn't.

- More than welcome!

[school bell rings]

- And then he said his job
was top secret.

So you know what that means.
He's probably a--

- Serial killer.
- A food inspector.

- [sobbing]

- Oh, no. Helen, what's wrong?

- It's Tanya. It's over.

She dumped me.

I can't, I'm so stressed.
And I'm so sad.

And my hair is falling out.
- Oh.

- Look.

[grunts]

- Oh.
- [screams]

Look at that.
It just falls out.

- Wait, Helen. Tanya?
Who you just started dating?

- The love of my life
for the last four whole weeks.

- Oh, I would love it
if you would slow down.

Okay.

- [sobbing]

[snorts, sniffles]

- I know that I haven't had
that long of a relationship,

but we were
practically engaged.

- Okay.
You know what you need, Helen?

You need a gurbs night.
That's girls plus Durbs.

- Yes. You know, tonight
we celebrate independence.

- Yes.

- I'm a little surprised

you really wanted
to come tonight.

There are some things
I should prepare you for.

- You guys have slept together.
I get it. It's cool.

I'm not threatened
in the least, okay?

I mean,
you don't need my permission

to have had
a life before me, so...

- Yes, that's correct.

But if it helps,
we have never even kissed.

- Oh, re--okay,
well, then, if anything,

I feel sorry
that you missed out

on what could've been
a nice little kiss.

But seriously, you don't need
to prepare me for anything.

I'm--
- Hey. Malachi.

- Oh, hi. Jack.

- I'm so [bleep] pumped
to meet you.

Bring it in here, brother!
- [grunts]

- God, I was so, I don't know,
like--like, nervous.

[both laugh]

- Wow. I wasn't just
prepared for that.

- I'm going over.

- I'm going under.

[both laugh]

[quirky music]

* *

- Okay, good. Yeah.

Uh, so tell me, Malachi,

how did you guys--
how did you guys meet?

- You're joking, right?

Wait, did she not tell you?

- We've both had
crazy busy days

so I haven't been able

to fully fill him in yet
on all the deets.

- I see.
- You know what, actually,

I think it's entirely possible
that this is my fault.

My brain is like Swiss cheese

when it comes to remembering
little details like,

"How did these people
meet again?"

And like, "When is the McRib
coming back?" [laughs]

- 22 years ago,
I took a man's life.

I beat him to death
because I didn't like

the look on his face.

I was young and I was stupid.

And during my first year
at Toledo Correctional,

I received a bunch of letters
from local 6th graders.

I responded to the only one
who didn't seem like

she was just doing
a homework assignment,

Shayla Lorraine Howard.

[dramatic music]

- And then you guys became,
like, pen pals or...

- [laughs]

I see why you like
this mother[bleep].

Yeah, I'd say that's, like,
the understatement of the year.

There is no one
on God's green earth

that I know more deeply than
this angel sitting right there.

And I've heard enough
about this little dude

to make me puke.

[quirky music]

* *

- Can we get some drinks
over here?

- What can I get you guys?

- Merlot, please.

- The lady knows what I want.

- Seagram's 7 and a RC Cola.
- And?

- Hold the RC Cola.

[both laugh]

- The lady also knows
what I want.

- Your most buttery Chardonnay?

- No, no.
Well, don't write that down.

I'm not having that.
I don't--that was one time.

I actually will also have
a Seagram's 7 and the RC Cola,

but hold the Seagram's 7
and the RC Cola

and instead bring me
a Dewar's, neat.

- [laughs]
C'mon, get over here.

The handsome ones
usually aren't this funny.

Muah! [laughs]
- Muah!

- Even Stevens on the kisses.
- [laughing]

[laughter, chatter]
- I know. I know.

- I'm doing it.

- Yeah.
- I'm moving on.

I'm sitting, I'm smiling,
I'm admiring the candle.

I'm reaching into my pocket.

I'm texting Tanya.
"I'm nothing without you."

- Let me see that.

- Give it to Stef, c'mon.
- Let me see that.

I'm changing her name
to her worst quality, okay?

That's what I do
for all my exes.

See, I've got
"Weird about grapes."

All right?

And there's "Won't stop
talking about his sister."

I'll just put "Bad Tanya."

- Oh, I've got
Professional Mascot Badger,

Professional Mascot Beaver,
Amateur Mascot Horse.

Guess I had a phase.
[laughter]

- Sweet tea.

- Ooh, thank you.

- Pitcher of margarita.
- Thank you.

- Jealous.
[overlapping chatter]

I'm very jealous of her.

- Oh, yeah, I'll start it off.
- I'm jealous.

- Okay, guys.
It's Gurbs Night Put-ups time.

Pa-pa-pa-pa!
- Mm!

- Aww, yes.

- Helen Henry Demarcus,
you are beautiful,

and you always have gum
and fresh ass breath.

Wait, that came out wrong.
Ass fresh breath--breath?

- And you are strong.
I've never seen a woman

catch so many Canadian geese
with her bare hands.

- Yeah, that's right.

Not to mention,
you have a very powerful bite.

- And Ralph took mine.
Come back to me.

[laughter]

- Okay, chill.

- Helen?

- There's something
I wanna show you,

you little slice
of mincemeat pie.

This was my grandma's.

She wore it until the day
after she died.

And I want you to do the same.

- And she just put a ring
on the waitress's finger.

Boy.
- C'mon.

- And they both
just entered the bathroom.

- Because they both have
to go to the bathroom.

- No, Michelle.

- [gasps]
Oh, I get it.

- [laughs]

- Well, when Shay Shay
broke her leg in high school

and had to quit the ski team,
she was pretty bummed out.

So I had my cellmate
break my finger.

And together we became...

both: The Broken Bones Brigade.
[laughs]

- I love that.
A permanent tattoo.

- She drew it.

Jack, you have
an amazing woman here.

- Well, Malachi,
you're an amazing guy.

- Go on with that snack girl.
I'm a full meal.

- What was that, Jack?
- Oh, nothing.

- I probably would have cut
my wrists with a toilet shard

if it weren't for her.
You know, it was your basic

"Legends of the Fall"
situation.

First, she was like
a little sister.

Next thing you know I'm like
Brad Pitt scalping Nazis

if anyone dared
lay a finger on her.

- Yeah, you know...
[chuckles]

Technically he did that
because of his brother.

And they weren't Nazis, they
were just German soldiers but--

- Well, someone knows a lot
about "Legends of the Fall."

- I do.
- Fine, Jack.

Maybe you do know more about
"Legends of the Fall" than me.

If you need that, it's fine.

Jesus Christ.

[tense music]

* *

- I know the ring
happened fast,

but when you know, you know.

Keith said he knew
we were destined to be together

the moment his brother
left me at the altar.

- I don't know, y'all.

I don't think this Kylie
is a great listener.

I said I wanted tater tots
and not fries.

See, this is why I was worried
when she took our orders

without writing anything down.

I'm like,
"What are you trying to prove?"

- Exactly. And she didn't
remember napkins either.

Did she expect me
to eat these ribs carefully?

- Yeah, I just don't get it.
Like, how are they doing

what they're doing in there,
you know?

Like, what's the bed?

Okay, I've only had sex
in beds, okay?

There, I said it.
I've only had sex in beds.

Now you're--you're
the only ones who know.

[all chuckling]

[both panting]
- Oh.

- Whew!

- Hey, I was gonna use that
for my birth control,

but screw it.
- Thanks.

- That was my water.

- Where are my manners?

This is Kylie.
She is the air I breathe.

Air I breathe,
these are my work friends.

- Right. We met.
Remember she told us

the special was ham salad
and we all went,

"Ew, that's not special,
that's nasty."

- Yeah.
- Remember?

- You got a little guac
on your nose.

- Then get it.

- Excuse me.
Air Helen Breathes,

can I please get
a little bit of water?

- Sure. Sorry.

Is there anything else
that you guys need or?

- I speak on behalf
of all of us

that you are literally
all that we need.

- Yeah, sure, you, and also,
can we get a few napkins?

I feel bad using Stef's coat.

- Oh, uh-uh.

- Helen, I feel it is
my responsibility to say

that you seem
to be moving kind of fast

and maybe headed towards
the same mistakes

that you made with Tanya.

- Yeah.
- You guys don't know me.

She's been there for me
in ways y'all never have.

- Helen, she hasn't even
been there to get you a fork.

- This is how
I always eat chicken.

[quirky music]

* *

You don't have to watch.

You know what?
Forget you guys.

[grunts]

[laughter]

- Jack, do you realize
how special this woman is?

She taught me sign language.

- Through the mail?
- I had a deaf cellmate.

Made it so I
could talk to someone.

- Oh, show him the sign
that you made up, Chi.

- Oh, I don't know.
- Let me see it.

- Okay, yeah.

- Oh, okay. Yeah, that's cool.
What does that mean?

- It represents an emotion

that the English language
does not have a word for--

when you want something
but you can't have it.

- Oh, well, you know,
just off the top of my head

there's unobtainable,
elusive, ungettable--

- Gift time.

- Right.
You said you brought a present.

[clears throat]

Chi,

I can see
you worked really hard

and put a lot of thought
into this,

but this makes me
uncomfortable.

You know that though,
don't you?

You normally give me beautiful
drawings like those tall ships.

Is this some sort of power move

because you knew
that Jack was gonna be here?

- Can I see it, please?
Just real quick.

Excuse me, sir.
Could you do me a big favor?

Could you throw this
in your filthiest garbage can?

- Yeah, okay.
I'll definitely do that.

- I'm bouncing.

You two will probably have
more fun without me anyway.

- I knew having the two of you
meet would be a disaster.

That's why I told you
not to come.

- You told me not to come?

You said
I was more than welcome.

- That means don't come.

- [sighs]

That's what Marcus said.

[soft music]

- [sighs]

I'm really sorry he left
because of me.

- He's at the host stand.
- What?

Oh.

You know what?
I'll go talk to him.

- Go ahead.
You're more than welcome.

* *

- Okay.

Hey, bud, you might wanna
slow down on those.

We still have dessert.

- Life hack,
free mints are dessert.

- Oh, okay.
Well, hey, listen,

you know,
if you want something else,

we did just order
a big brownie.

- Shay Shay and I always order
the apple pie.

- Oh?

All right, well, hey,
if you guys want apple pie,

I'm not gonna stand in the way.

Hey, what was she talking about
with the tall ships?

- What, my drawings?
- Yeah.

I mean, I have pictures.

- Can I see 'em?
- Oh.

[clears throat]
Okay.

Well, this tall ship there's
a shark coming straight at it.

You can't see it
'cause it's underwater,

but, I mean, I know it's there.

- Oh, no, no, no.

I know it's there too because
of how scared the sailors look.

Yeah, that's really good, man.
Wow.

* *

- [clears throat]

I am truly sorry
about the drawing.

It sucked.

- Thanks, Malachi.

[mellow music]

* *

- Good job on the hands.
Incredibly realistic.

Hands are not easy to draw.
[both chuckle]

You know, Malachi, we should
do this again some time.

- Golly gee,
do you really mean it?

[tense music]

[burps]

I was kind of asking for real.

I was just protecting myself
with sarcasm.

- Oh, okay.
Well, yes, for real.

- Yeah, that would be
cool with me.

Quick, choose between us!

- What do you mean?
- One lives, one dies.

Who's it gonna be?
Just a game.

- Oh, God.
One lives, one dies.

Well, I mean, I guess
I gotta go with Shayla to live.

- [bleep].
- Oh.

- No, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

You and I just met tonight.

- Plus, we're dating.

- Right. Stupid.

Probably wasn't
even a fun debate.

Thank you for humoring me.

- [chuckles]
It's fine.

It's a very fun game.

[both chuckle]

- [no inaudible speech]

- Okay, I've narrowed it down
to a few non-bed places

that I wanna try sex:
a couch, a hot tub,

the ocean.

But the ocean,
that's more for making love.

all: Yeah.

- You wanna save it for that.
- Make it special.

- It's over.

I got dumped by a fiancée for
the second time in one week.

- Helen, I'm sorry.

- But you know what?
You're gonna be okay.

- Oh, hello, waitress.

- Hello, ma'am.

Can I get you guys
anything else?

- Yes. We need napkins.

We need ketchup.
We need more water.

And I need
my grandma's ring back.

- I am gonna try
the churro bites.

It's time to stop talking
about it and just...do it.

We'll get the check.

- Will this be on one card?

[sighs]
Or I could split it five ways?

- That would be amazing.
- Could you?

- All right, you guys.
- Thank you.

- That's my card.
- Here we go. There we go.

[overlapping chatter]
- I just--it keeps it nice.

That was nice of her.
- [sighs]

I forgot how sweet
she could be

with stuff like that sometimes.

I'm gonna go thank her.

* *

- Ms. Fist, it's time
we had a little talk.

You have been way outta
your jurisdiction.

You're just
a damn receptionist.

Now, hand over the gun!

- Hello, Mayor.

You're more than welcome
to have it.

[dramatic music]

To death.

To hell.
[gunshot]

* *

- [off-tune]
* She regrets every kill *

* Every single kill *

* She's Janet Fist *

* And she's trying her best *

* She's Janet Fist
and she's trying her best *

* She's trying her best *