Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

* *

- Riddle me this, my little nerds.

Who here has been to the Toledo Renaissance Faire?

Yeah, that tracks.

It turns out that getting more serious with Shayla

means the occasional Ren Faire excursion

to drink mead with her brother

who fancies himself a friar.

Three flagons in yesterday, my phone died.

I wasn't able to order us an Uber,

because all of the crushed velvet deviants

that work there claimed that they'd never heard

of a "phone charger."

Uh, "What magic dost thou speak of?"

says the wizard wearing an Apple watch.

Yeah, had to catch a ride home

with a bunch of minstrels who had really committed

to that era's lack of deodorant.

The whole day was a nightmare, I'm telling you.

But I will have my revenge

before they leave town next week.

And you all are gonna help me.

Okay, first off, it's important that we understand...

- High school's that time when you're supposed to

figure out who you are.

But who is Victor Kozlowski?

A nerd?

A nice guy in a sweater? Sure.

A hopeless romantic who's never even been kissed?

Guilty as charged.

- Ideally, what we're looking for

is someone who can work a forge.

- Sorry to interrupt. Uh, Victor's mom called.

- Yeah.

Found your retainer again, huh, bud?

Great. Keep us posted.

- Gwen's way easier to define.

She's my oldest buddy.

The one who makes me laugh so hard

Go-Gurt comes out of my nose.

She's my safe place, for lack of a better term.

- Now... [snaps fingers]

Yeah, uh, Victor? Hi. Yeah.

Um, listen, do you or do you not know how to joust?

[Ramones' "We Want the Airwaves"]

* *

- * Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo *

* Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo *

* Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo *

* Doo-doo-doo *

* *

- I guess I could be a maiden with squished cleavage?

- That's it? No. Come on, guys, damn it.

If we're gonna get past this century

slash parking attendant,

then your characters need to be better defined.

We need to go deeper with these characters' backstories, okay?

That--that--that's what I'm saying.

I'm thinking, like, um,

like a harlequin with an addiction to mutton.

Or like an earnest baker who survived the plague

only to be run over by a corpse cart.

- Boss, it's 8:30. - Oh, uh, okay.

Time to hop over to city hall and get a permit

to ride a donkey on the street.

- Sometimes in life, there's a before and an after.

This is before.

[phones chiming]

- Oh, my God.

Someone leaked hot, hot photos of Ashlanda schoolwide.

- This is after.

- I preferred their September leak.

- The blue bikinis.

Cause of death, that photo.

Time of death, when I saw it.

- I can't believe somebody invaded

their privacy like that.

- You know they do this on purpose, right,

take a sexy photo, send it schoolwide

so that everybody can see how hot they look?

- I strive for mystery in my NSFW photos.

Where's the soft lighting? Where's the come hither look?

- Anthony, you've taken risqué photos?

- Even I have.

Just so there's something spicy to throw at the press

when I become senator at 34.

- When it comes to this stuff, I say, "Go hard or go home."

Get it?

If no one even nods or chuckles,

then I look like a perv.

Someone, please.

Nod. Chuckle.

- But the rest of you haven't done it yet, right?

- I've never done one.

[shutter snaps]

Okay, now I did it.

- Did you guys hear my joke? - What about you, Dan?

You got any photos you wanna share?

- Well, I'm more of an in-person kind of guy.

I like to feel it.

- Same. In-person gal. I wanna feel it.

- You all heard it, right? Go hard or go home?

But this time the hard is the...

[gentle acoustic guitar]

- One thing was clear.

16 years old and I'd never felt more like a little boy.

While I questioned my manhood, Anthony and Grace

were celebrating the women of Whitlock.

It was part of Grace's duties on the student council,

and Anthony was there because...well...

- And that will get you out of gym.

- Thank you.

We're gonna start on the bulletin board in the hallway.

- Ooh, that sounds good.

I gotta get back to scraping the gum

off the bottom of my desk.

Oh, I don't know why I do this to myself.

The garbage can is right there.

- You know what these queens deserve?

Neon. - [gasps]

Get out of my head. And how about bubble letters?

- Get out of my head. - I won't. I love it here.

- I'm gonna put a couch in your head and take a nap.

- I mean, what about a staycation at home?

- That sounds fu-- would you want to do that?

- Uh, yeah. - Helen.

Dish on your weekend.

Did you see your lady love?

- I did. I got taken to the ballet.

all: Ooh!

- Yeah. Get this.

All the performers were children.

Just terrible ballet.

I mean, they were bumping into each other,

they didn't know their moves, and it was a waste of a night.

- Are you sure it wasn't her like,

niece's recital or something?

- Well, yeah, it did turn out to be that.

So I just said some fake nice things about the bad ballet,

and then we had some hot cocoa by the fire

and smooched each other off. [laughs]

Ooh.

I'm sorry, I thought everyone was gonna go, "Ooh."

- Well, I spent my weekend completely alone

almost exclusively on the couch.

Honestly, pretty epic weekend.

[laughter]

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

- He knows. - She's right. [clears throat]

She's right. Sorry.

I have not used my voice since Friday when I said,

"Don't worry about me; my weekend's packed."

- Hey, remember our pact.

If neither of us is married by age 65...

- Double suicide.

all: Ah! [laughter]

- So sad.

Do you think Principal Durbin and Ms. Wagner

could ever, you know, be together?

- If they were going to,

wouldn't they have done it by now?

- Sometimes love needs a little nudge.

- So what about love?

They say it's like having butterflies in your stomach,

and sometimes, yeah, it feels like eating bugs

would be easier than talking about it.

- Blood oath.

Let's swear to never betray each other.

- But we already did that last week

with barbecue sauce.

- I guess I'm just hungry.

[sultry rock music]

* *

- Stare much?

- Ashley and Amanda, they're brave.

Brave with their bodies.

- Ah, yes, showing side boob is a real profile in courage.

- I've been thinking about taking some nudes of my own.

- Yeah, totally. Totally.

No, same here. Same here.

Oh, oh, you're serious. Okay, cool.

- Yeah, I'm serious.

Would you wanna

maybe help me take some pics? [chuckles]

- Come by the garage after school.

I'll try not to puke.

[upbeat music]

- My plan was set in motion.

But while I took a step forward,

Principal Durbin was about to be on his heels.

- Care to explain yourself, Durbs?

I found these on my desk signed, "Your loving Ralph."

Please tell me you didn't actually

make this strange, sentimental gesture.

- Of course not.

I've never had the confidence to ask anyone out.

I've only ever been asked out. It's happened twice.

My now ex-wife

and a very aggressive sex worker in Havana.

- Hmm, I don't think that's getting "asked out."

- Well, if Ralph didn't send it...

then who the heck did?

[quirky music]

- Sneaky little devils.

- Oh, yeah.

I feel like everyone else has figured out who it is.

- These students think they can meddle

with the complicated emotional lives of adults?

It's time to teach them a lesson.

Helen. - Yes.

Get ready for the "Parent Trap" protocol.

Nope, that's carry-out menus. Ah.

[twangy guitar music]

* *

- Okay, gimme bad Victor.

Okay, uh, uh, come on, come on.

Just say some badass stuff.

- One time I killed a baby bird with a basketball.

- I thought we were never gonna talk about that ever again.

- Uh, sorry.

I could do something else.

I could do little air bites.

- What? - It's a thing.

In order to look good in pictures,

you bite the air and then smile.

- These are supposed to be sexy, right?

- Yeah.

- Then look sexy.

- Let me just toss this.

- This one's actually pretty good.

[gentle acoustic guitar music]

* *

So, um,

are you gonna send these to somebody?

- Yep, and I already have the number

saved in my phone.

I should probably ask first, though.

- I'm pretty sure she'll say yes.

- I had a whole conversation with my mom,

and she encouraged me to err on the side of caution.

- Mm-hmm. [laughs]

- "Dear Ashley and Amanda.

"It's Victor from German class study group.

"Guten tag!

Mind if I send some titillating photos?"

[chuckles] [phone chimes]

- Victor, are you sure you want to do that?

- They said, "Hell, ja!" [laughs]

It's a bit of a German joke.

Oh, my God, wow, wow!

I mean, I don't wanna do a full "Sliding Doors" here,

but this could be the moment that changes everything.

Ashley's dad has a cabin at Devil's Lake.

- Sounds fun.

Probably way better than hanging out with me.

- Okay.

This is the moment of truth.

Should I send it?

- Sure. Go for it.

- Hey, Gwen,

you're a great friend.

[melancholy music]

* *

In high school, the changes come fast.

And this high school boy was on the verge of becoming

a high school man, for lack of a better term.

- Okay, so I don't want you guys falling apart

when you're grilled on your backstories,

so, uh, tell me who you are. Go.

- Elizabeth Wallydrag. Scribe I be.

- Okay, go.

- The villagers call me Slow Jeffery,

but this fog of simplicity

is a fallacy of my own creation.

I'm truly Lord Hensley, the long lost son

of the one true King Rodrigo,

and I shall bring my enemies to their knees

with my angelic voice.

* La, la, la, la, la, la, la *

- Okay, great, yeah. Lots of detail there.

Nice. Very good work.

Um, Anthony, do make sure that

you are also doing homework for other classes, okay?

- I'm really enjoying this mission, Mr. Griffin.

[phone chimes] - Oh, I can tell.

Mm, the snakes are here a day early.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go grab these.

Guys, work on your Elizabethan accents, all right?

- Victor, I heard a rumor you became a man last night.

- I sent some sensual photos to Ashlanda.

- I thought I smelled some heat on you.

- That is next level, Victor.

Ashlanda do in-person physical sexting,

AKA sex.

Isn't that right, Dan?

- Yeah, yeah, it has been known to happen.

[phone chimes] - Oh, my God!

I just got a full-on invitation

to hang out with Ashlanda after school.

- Two words, dude. Dental dam.

You don't want to end up like Michael Douglas.

- Guys, I got a--I got a quick question for you.

How much are you supposed to tip a snake handler?

Google says 20%, but I gotta say,

that feels high, you know,

especially for a guy who just sort of has snakes.

Whatever, I'll figure it out. Um.

Okay, who have we gotten so far?

I've got you, got you, we're skipping Marcus.

- Perchance... - Mm...

- Thou hast not yet met the fool for money,

Jeremiah the Jester.

- Yeah, no, I don't like any of that.

I'm gonna need you to switch over to nameless dung-monger.

Okay, all right. Good enough for now.

Now, guys, I need these snakes to be alive tomorrow,

so I need everybody to take a snake home.

Yeah. I need everyone to line up

and take a snake home with you, okay?

- While I was getting everything

I'd hoped for, Anthony and Grace

were about to get more than they bargained for.

- Ralph, that letter changed me.

I've never said this before, but love rocks.

- You make me want to be a better principal.

- Mm, mm, mm, ah!

Oh, Ralph. Mm.

- Mm, Ms. Wagner, such good kissing.

- Who should we do next? Coach and the lunch lady?

- Coach has to learn to love himself first.

- I can't wait to make you Mrs. Ralph Durbin.

- Mrs. Ralph Durbin? Damn.

I can't even keep my first or last name?

Screw that.

How about you be Mr. Mary Wagner?

And if you say no, you hate women.

[quirky music]

- Oh, Ms. Duncan, no, he's in a very private meeting.

I'm sorry, sir. She just blew right past me.

[whispering] You guys are doing great. You're killing it.

- Ralph, you have a lot of nerve,

cheating with my best friend

when I'm pregnant with our love child.

[glass shatters]

- No! My vase.

[glass shatters]

No! My terrarium.

[glass shatters]

No, my drinking glass for holding water.

- No, Mrs. Jones, I'm gonna have to ask you

to sit, please, and wait.

I'm sorry, sir.

Hey, unrelated, next Friday can I get off a little early?

I have a mammo.

Okay.

- My husband never gave me Takis, fun or full-size.

I'm done with him.

I need a Takis man, and, Durbin, that's you!

- Are you calling your husband? Don't bother. Durbin's mine!

- Keith, it's your wife.

I want a divorce. Get your things and get out.

[glass shatters] - [gasps]

- Mary! Is that a glass shard? Put that down!

- Oh, my God, Mary. Mary, no! No!

- Why did Durbin send that damn, damn letter?

Now I'm gonna have to call the FBI.

- I know what we have to do.

- Can I have Secret Agent Applesauce, please?

- Oh, classic Victor.

Only bringing dip to a party.

Next time I'll ask if there are chips.

- It's okay, Victor.

Obviously, the point isn't to eat.

- Maybe we should get to the real point.

- We have kind of an initiation when new people come to hang,

but you probably don't want to do it.

Mm. Mm-mm.

- What is it?

- Well, you don't wanna dance for us, do you, Victor?

- Vic, you don't gotta do anything you don't wanna do.

[electronic music] Come on. It'll be fun.

- Oh, my goodness.

- Whoo!

- Strip! - Whoo!

- Take it all off. Take it all off.

- Whoo-ee!

[all shouting]

- Oh, my God. Whoo!

- Oh, yeah! - Whoo!

- Oh, my God. You look so hot. - There we go.

You're a god, Victor. - Oh, yeah.

That's what I like to see.

- No. Hey, Victor. That--that's enough!

That's enough. That--that--that's enough!

Okay? They're just messing with you, Vic.

You should just-- you should just go home, man.

- Dan, you're no fun.

- Thank you so much for having me.

I had a lovely evening.

And, uh, please, thank your mother for the sodas.

And when Madison gets out of the bathroom,

would you, uh, let her know I say, "Bye."

And just like that,

I knew exactly who Victor Kozlowski was.

An idiot.

[soft rock music]

- * I was all alone *

* Felt so contagious *

* Flat broke and 17 *

* Rip out the pages *

- How was the party?

Was everyone blown away by how cool and sexy you are?

- Did you know they invited me there just to make fun of me?

- Like you care what I think?

- You should have stopped me from sending that photo.

It was humiliating.

* *

- Here.

You left this at my place.

And, um...

Here's mine.

I'm sorry you couldn't spend your summer at Devil's Lake.

- * People don't change *

* Toxic waste *

* Push you away *

[engine revving]

* Without you baby *

* Without you baby *

- [sobbing]

Durbin is dead,

and it's all my fault!

[sobbing]

- Okay, and just to recap, Durbin is dead.

I find the body, blame you, then violently break your neck,

which sounds like...

[horse whinnies]

I'll get it right when we do it.

It's gonna be tight. It's gonna be tight.

- Oh, oh, places, places. Places, Places.

[quirky music]

- Why didn't you answer my calls last night?

- We hurt our favorite adults, and the guilt

is too much to bear.

I was downtown trying meth.

- Are you fully addicted?

- Permanently so.

[gasps] My teeth!

- Oh, no! No! - Oh, my God.

- No, you need those for biting! Oh, no!

You've gotta be careful, you've gotta put them--

you gotta hydrate them to keep them alive.

Are these Chiclets?

- And so endeth our little play.

- I see what's going on here.

We've got a couple Susan Luccis on our hands.

- Mm-hmm.

The Lucci-ers have become the Lucci-ees.

- Okay, well, then, I guess there's a lesson

to be learned here,

which I guess is, don't teach each other lessons

using incredibly realistic acting?

[all murmuring]

- Michelle.

- Keith, what are you doing here?

- You're right.

You deserve to be treated like a queen.

I took the "His" bath towels. You can have the "Hers."

- [gasps] Oh, gosh!

I forgot to tell you that that call was--

was just unbelievably realistic acting.

- Oh, good.

I was really, really scared.

I didn't like that at all.

I didn't like that at all.

I didn't like that at all.

- Oh, okay. Okay. - I didn't like that.

I didn't like that at all. - Oh, poor baby.

- While everyone else was figuring things out,

I was still confused as ever.

Who am I?

- * In your face *

A boy?

- * What would you do? *

- A man?

* *

- * What if I fell *

- Am I even Victor anymore?

- * Couldn't take this anymore *

- Do I even wanna be?

- * What would you do, do, do? *

* Come break me down *

* Bury me, bury me *

* I am finished with you *

- Well, uh, guys, I thought

that actually went pretty well, you know,

with one minor hiccup.

- My pediatrician says this is actually a pretty big hiccup.

- I was actually referring to the fact

that I got put in stocks.

Victor, you were supposed to get the key

from Sir Kennylwait, AKA Fat Doug.

What happened, man? You let us down.

- Who haven't I let down?

My life is hell, and I'm about to bust.

[gentle guitar music]

- Uh, can somebody get me out of these?

* *

Okay, Victor, bust. What happened?

- I made a fool of myself in front of Ashlanda,

I ruined everything with Gwen,

and I brought creamy dip

to a make-out party like an idiot.

- I got us your bowl, Vic.

- Gwen is the girl who's constantly bringing you

news about your retainer

and clearly has a thing for you?

- No, she doesn't feel that way about me.

- All right, listen, Victor, this is one of those

classic situations where the supportive best friend

is actually totally in love with you,

but because of her overalls and masculine hobbies,

you're just too dumb to see it.

Now this goes for everybody.

Don't try to date someone popular.

It's just never gonna work out for you.

You know what I mean? Except for Dan, of course.

Everybody knows that these speeches

don't apply to Dan, right? Yeah.

Now, listen, at this age,

if somebody is willing to spend time with you,

they're almost certainly in love with you,

so what are you waiting for, Victor?

If you have similar feelings, go tell her.

[gentle piano music]

* *

[upbeat rock music]

- * If you find yourself caught in love *

* Say a prayer to the man above *

* Thank him for everything you know *

* You should thank him for every breath you blow *

* If you find yourself caught in love *

* Say a prayer to the man above *

* Thank him for every day you pass *

* You should thank him for saving your sorry ass *

- Permission to send a sexy photo.

- * But looking out *

* You must raise your prayer to a shout *

- Granted.

- * Another partner must be found *

* Someone to take your life beyond *

* Another TV "I Love 1999" *

* Just one more box of cheapo wine *

* *

- What took you so long?

- Sometimes love needs a little nudge.

- * To the man above *

* But if you don't listen *

- Boy or man, I knew one thing.

Life would never be the same for me.

Gwen and I were entering something new.

Something exciting.

If I had to define it, I'd call it love,

for lack of a better term.

- * Is written in books from long ago *

* Give up your will to him that loves you *

* Things will change *

* I'm not saying overnight *

* You've got to start somewhere *