Original subtitles

- And how did that make you feel, Shayla?

- Going to the symphony?

I don't know. Bored?

It's like just going to see the closing credits of a movie.

- I meant, how do you feel

about this potential relationship?

- I don't think it's a good fit.

He always has just the right amount of stubble.

It's too deliberate.

- I think you're doing what you always do.

Prematurely ending a relationship

to avoid the inevitable pain that love brings.

- No, I did not end the last one prematurely.

We had irreconcilable differences.

He. Wore. Socks. In. Bed.

- Okay, I have an assignment for you.

Take out your day planner, right now, please.

I want you to give this new guy a couple of months,

just to break the cycle of self-sabotage.

So mark 60 days from your first date,

and on that day, you can dump him

if you choose to do so.

- 60 days, and then it's Dump Day.

I don't know, I feel kinda bad

using this guy as my therapy homework.

- Is it worse than ghosting him now because of his stubble?

- I met someone, y'all!

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- * Next time, I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time, well, I'll be smart *

* *

- Yeah, I thought I was done with romance,

but I have now been on two stellar dates with Shayla--

- Ooh!

That would be Ms. Shayla Howard,

the A.P. English substitute.

- Ms. Howard? I have her when Ms. Miller's out.

One time, she drank a one liter of Diet Coke during a class.

A morning class. I like her.

- Well, I like her too.

And yes, I have noticed that many of you are

dressed like riverboat casino croupiers,

but I don't wanna talk about that yet.

I'm just gonna let that drift on down the Big Muddy a spell.

[chuckles] 'Cause right now,

what's floating my boat is Shayla.

And I'm pulling out all the stops to impress her.

- Sounds like you might be overcompensating.

- Exactly wrong, Marcus.

You see, by putting myself out there in big ways,

I risk looking like a fool,

which is exactly the kind of vulnerability

that I didn't show in my last relationship.

- No crap, Matlock.

- Oh, wow. You, uh...

You know "Matlock." Interesting.

Today's mission is planning my next

big romantic move with Shayla!

- Ooh, whatever it is, Mr. G, you should make it a surprise.

If I'm like, "Can I buy you some chicken nuggets, girl?"

that's romantic, but if I say,

"I already got you these chicken nuggets, girl,"

that's even more romantic 'cause I was thinking 'bout her

when we weren't even together.

When I was at McDonald's.

- You can whisk her away

to a secluded cabin in the woods.

- Maybe something with blindfolds?

They can enhance your other senses.

- Okay, uh, so far, what you two are describing

is an abduction.

- Maybe you could surprise her by showing

a genuine interest in her life.

Like, if she was wearing an out-of-character outfit,

maybe you could ask her about it.

- All right, fine, Anthony, why don't you go ahead

and tell me why you're dressed like

a Fantastic Sams street marketing team?

Just please, don't say you're an a cappella group.

- Guilty as charged!

We're the Car Tunes.

- That's C-A-R space T-U-N-E-S.

- What? What's the car?

Do you guys sing from inside a big cardboard car?

- We do now. That's a great idea.

- Oh, Heather, not you too.

- Oh, I'm the manager, boss.

I booked them for this morning announcements.

And hey, I'm ready to book them

for your perfect date.

[blows pitch pipe]

- Ah, oh, oh, oh! Nope, wait.

Why don't you just go ahead and--go ahead

and close those mouths without singing a single note.

Okay?

Anthony?

Close that mouth or I'm gonna throw something in it.

You better--hey, man.

I'm--yeah.

A cappella music has no place in a perfect date, okay?

Or in life. I need something else.

- They're screening "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"

at the drive-in Friday night.

- Oh, great!

Yeah, that's right up her alley.

Okay, now, I could ask her if she's free

on Friday, but, uh,

I want those chicken nugget points.

So I think we need to take a peek at her calendar.

Now, she keeps an actual, physical day planner

in her purse.

- Leave it to us, boss.

We can have peepers on that planner

by E.O.D.

- Okay, I appreciate it, Heather,

and I am very concerned about the fact

that you're pulling out that pitch pipe again.

- Well, it just kinda seemed like we were

all good on the mission part,

so maybe it's time for the--

[blows pitch pipe]

- [all alternating] * Car, car, car, car tunes *

- Music is meant to have instruments, you guys!

Why cut out the instruments?

[percussive music]

- I just wanted a damn snack.

- Ralph!

You're not gonna believe what we just got in the mail.

- Did Pat Sajak write back?

- Even better!

It's a gift certificate

for Shrimptuberfeast,

from Captain Grumpy's Seafood Roadhouse!

- * Captain Grumpy's Seafood Roadhouse *

[together] * Where they let you throw *

* The shrimp tails on the floor *

[both laughing]

- Oh, but I thought that

Shrimptuberfeast was in the fall.

- No, that's Shrimptoberfest.

- Captain Grumpy's is offering

a "deserving member of our staff"

the enjoyment of an evening of endless shrimp

and bottomless tap water for two!

We have the most shrimp-deserving staff

in all of Toledo.

How do we pick just one?

Do, like, a series of interviews?

- Ralph, the teachers think of you as a God.

They're not gonna toot their horn around you.

- If only there was a way to embed myself, you know?

To get to know the faculty and their stories,

not as a boss, but as an equal.

[sighs]

[dramatic music]

* *

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- I bet I am!

* *

- Okay, so Mr. Rochester keeps his violently insane wife

locked in an attic.

Now, what would I do if I were Jane Eyre?

I...would...leave...

in my...carriage!

Come on, guys, really think

about what I would do in some of these situations!

- Good afternoon, ma'am.

I have an official work order

to set this up for next period.

- [clears throat]

[suspenseful music]

- As you can see, there's two signatures

and the official school logo.

All above board.

- You can just toss it, thanks.

[sighing] Okay, where was I?

Mr. Rochester bonds with Jane-- - Two hours I spent on this.

- Then goes to party and comes back with "Blanche."

Now, what would I say to the two of them

if I were Jane?

Think, you guys!

* *

- Showtime.

- Excuse me, Ms. Howard?

That boy in the hallway looks lost.

- Okay.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, do you need help?

- Oh, you're a dear.

I can't seem to find the office.

- You mean the office one door down?

- Oh, right. Uh, not that office.

I meant the office...

Of the cafeteria.

- The kitchen?

* *

- Damn it, I need more time.

Ca-caw.

[over radio] Ca-caw.

- Ca-caw.

[over radio] Ca-caw.

- Oh, good, can you help this boy find the cafeteria?

- He doesn't go here.

He only comes here to steal beans.

Quick, check his bag.

- No.

- Fine, I'll do it.

Stolen beans!

Take him to the principal's office.

- Freeze! All three of you.

* *

- Thanks.

- Actually, you may wanna see this.

- No, not my pocket!

- Ha-hah!

They were both stealing beans.

Take them to the principal's office!

- I'm going back to class.

[dramatic sting]

- Dump Day?

- Uh, are you in this class?

- Attention, everyone!

I've got the new music teacher here,

so start getting to know him by, you know,

telling him about yourself and all your hardships.

- Pump the brakes there, Hell-on-Wheels.

This songbird can carry his own tune.

- It is happening at long last.

We are being "Undercover Boss"-ed.

- What does that mean?

- That means whoever tells Durbin the biggest sob story

gets a cash prize.

- One of us is getting $20,000.

But you gotta pretend like you don't know it's him.

- My face hurts.

[laughter]

- Stef Duncan, history.

- This is Joseph Teagues. - Oh.

- And he's left-handed.

And that's why we know that he's so creative.

- Hey. Uh, Jojo.

I've danced with Lady Music in every dress she can wear.

Saw a lotta naked ladies with the boys

in They Might Be Giants

and banged a lot of "they might've been giants"

with the Barenaked Ladies.

[laughter]

You name a song, I've played it.

- "Piano Man." - All that stuff.

You know, and I'm still grateful.

What are you grateful for, Stef?

- Oh, plenty of things.

Unlike the orphans that I take canoeing.

You know, my dream is to take them to Disneyworld,

and let them ride the log flume,

the world's best canoe,

but that'd be, like, 20K.

- That's gone up. - Wow.

Righteous buzzkill about the, uh...

orphans not having any rent.

I mean, do you, uh, recall a particular orphan

that maybe talked about wanting to eat a ton of shrimp?

- Helen! There you are.

Is this the man who's gonna be replacing me?

16 years and I gotta hear about it in the hallways?

- Damn it, I forgot to give Trudy the heads up.

- I'm gonna set myself on fire.

- Okay, whoa. Hey, listen.

I'm not into that, all right?

Self-immolation is a Jojo no-no, so I'm--

I'm gonna go talk to this cool cat, Durbin.

And I'm gonna stone-cold resign.

And then I'll leave through a different door,

so you'll probably never see me again, so, uh,

you know, remember, you can lick the devil's candy,

but don't get in his van.

- You know, I gotta say, it's so chivalrous of you

to escort me all the way to my classroom.

- Not a big thing.

I escort a lot of guys to their classrooms.

- [sighing] Oh!

That's a huge load off, because, um...

I'm sleeping with the bus driver.

- [laughing] Oh! - Yeah.

- You know, you have been very secretive about this bag.

You got a dead body in there, or--

- Ah, no.

A gentleman never tells.

- Okay.

- Good morning, everybody! Ooh!

So I got all the--

got the "Rocky Horror" costumes, you know.

The bread, the rice,

the hot dogs to throw at the screen.

This is gonna be fun.

What's going on?

Did something go wrong with the mission?

Did you guys not get the planner?

Does Shayla have plans tonight?

Why didn't you tell me

before I bought all these fishnets?

- No, we got the planner.

It's just...

there was some pretty crazy stuff in there.

Stuff that's so messed up,

you should probably just move on.

Right, Victor?

- Oh, yeah.

She had an appointment to eat boogers.

Ah, no, no, somebody else go.

- Will somebody please tell me what the hell's going on?

- The whole thing's a sham, boss.

I'm sorry. You're therapy homework.

[dramatic drum beats]

[sad thumb piano music]

- If you're facing away

to hide the shame of your tears,

please know that none of us are judging you for your sorrow.

- I've got it.

- [sighs] Good to have you back, boss.

Did you figure out a way to dump her ass?

- No, I'm not gonna let her off the hook that easily.

I'm gonna ruin her little therapy assignment.

It is my ass that will be dumped by her.

[chuckling]

Forget a romantic night at the movies.

We're about to treat Shayla to the perfect date...

[chalk scratching]

From hell.

- You actually crossed out "perfect."

- Yeah, uh, but then, you know, I thought about it,

and I was like, "I think I like the sound of it better

with 'perfect' in there."

So I put it back in. Yeah.

So what is the creepiest place

that you guys can think of to take a date?

- Spiders.

- Spi--no, what places, Yuyao.

- Spider factory.

- Real places.

- Funeral home.

- Mm! An old lady's house.

- A deadold lady's house.

all: Ooh.

- What? What is it?

- Well, what's the one place we all know

that's covered in creepy religious iconography

and reeks of death and sadness?

- It's your house, Matlock!

- Oh, yes. Yes.

Shayla thinks she can suffer through

two months with me?

[laughs] Fat chance!

She's about to learn that Jack Griffin is insufferable.

[devious music]

- Well, here it is. Faculty lounge. I like it.

Bada bing, bada boom.

You got some real, uh...

real interesting electricity here.

- Hey, Nick, I want you to meet Mary Wagner here.

- Oh, Nick, professional electrician.

Hey, you mind, uh, showing me where the light switch is?

- Oh, yeah, sure. Right this way.

You know, I find that helping is a gift that can be opened

again and again.

- Oh, now that's a motto!

- Well, helping is something that I learned

from my frail immigrant parents.

They both have so much carpal tunnel

all over their hands and wrists from, um,

working in a calculator factory...

[fake crying] For so many years.

I'm sorry, you guys are trying to work, and I'm weeping.

- Hey, hey, why don't you, uh,

tell me more about your parents.

- It's dumb, but my mom has always talked about owning

a Legend 200 Soft Spa hot tub.

Yeah, she said it was the only thing that would ease

the years of back-breaking work.

Also, she wanted it installed in my backyard because...

[choking up] They're not zoned for it.

- I wonder if she wouldn't equally enjoy, you know,

eating shrimp in such a way

that she wouldn't have to worry about, you know,

stopping eating shrimp

later on that particular evening.

[electricity buzzes] [high-pitched scream]

That-- [clears throat]

That's, uh--that's-- that's normal, you know.

I like to--I like to burn out the old wires

before I put in the new ones.

[electricity crackling]

[electric zap]

- You know who'd get a kick out of this, I'll tell you,

is the electrician that we usually use.

- Let's go talk to that guy! - Yeah, we should--

[relaxed '50s style music]

* *

- So let me get this straight.

First date,

truffle oil roasted salmon at Mancy's.

- Yeah.

- Second date,

Toledo Symphony Orchestra

followed by a romantic walk in the park.

- Uh-huh.

- Third date,

watch Norman Bates eat Manchego

like an apple?

- Oh, my apologies.

Did you wanna pet the little doggies?

- Okay, I think I get what this is.

You're tanking this date.

- What? I'm not tanking the date.

What're you talking about?

- I get it, trust me.

I know all about sabotaging a relationship

for no good reason.

[clears throat]

I once told a guy

that he needed to ask my ex-boyfriend

for permission to date me

and then took him to a cemetery.

- [chuckling] - Yeah.

- That's pretty good.

- It was. It was really good.

- Okay. - Mm.

- So these eyebrows are gonna take about 12 hours to dry,

so you're gonna have to sleep standing up like a horse.

- Maybe we do, like, a younger librarian costume

with less involved makeup?

- A younger librarian?

Honestly, Ralph,

I am usually nice to you,

but that's one of the dumbest things you've ever said.

- Oh, hi, Helen.

- Oh, hi! Hi, Michelle

I'm just having an affair with the new librarian.

- Oh, you're not married.

- Oh, well, he might be married.

Are you married, Harry?

- Single and ready to dingle!

- Oh, no.

- This is Harry Henderson.

And he's our new librarian.

And what the heck are you doing here so late?

- Well, I'm just really burning the candle

at both ends these days.

Putting in some extra hours to try and pay off

my crippling gambling debts.

I'm juiced on the cards.

Solitaire, Old Maid, Uno!

[chuckles]

I owe a lot of money

to some really rough people.

- Well, not exactly a noble problem.

How much do you owe?

And, please, convert it to shrimp.

- Uh, 20,000, so 20...hundred shrimp.

Wait, what country is using shrimp as a currency?

- [sighs] Yeah, you know what?

That powerful story just knocked a chunk of ear

off of Harry here.

We're gonna go to the hospital and get it reattached.

- Yeah. - Owie. Ooh, owie.

- We'll be back. - Okay.

- All right, what's your worst one?

- Okay, okay, one time,

I hung a portrait of a naked man over my bed

and told him it was my dad.

[both laugh]

- That's pretty good.

That'll get rid of 'em.

One time, I told this girl

that I couldn't fly out to meet her family

because I had been banned from Tampa.

[both laugh]

- I almost broke up with a guy

because his stubble was too deliberate.

- Okay, well, he sounds like a dope.

- Actually, he's growing on me.

- [chuckling] Oh, okay.

That's good. You got me.

- I guess I'm a walking razor commercial, huh?

- Full disclosure,

I really was ready to tank this,

but my therapist convinced me to give it a fair chance.

You're kinda my therapy homework.

- It's fine. I know.

I, uh...I had my students look through your planner.

And when they found out, we came up with this whole plan

to manipulate you into dumping me

so that you would fail at therapy.

- What? - Yeah.

The whole thing was fake.

The lost kid, the stolen beans--

those beans were not stolen.

I bought all those beans.

- Why would you do that?

- Well, you know,

you were trying to make a fool out of me,

so I wanted to make a fool out of you.

- That is so messed up.

I wasn't trying to make a fool out of you.

I was trying to give myself time to trust someone.

[melancholy music]

I really hope it was worth buying

all these creepy decorations just to freak me out.

[door slams]

[school bell rings]

[downcast music]

- Hey, Jack! You miss me?

- I didn't know you were gone.

- Busted! I wasn't.

- Oh, is that right? - Yeah.

Are you...you okay? Is something wrong?

- I had a bad date.

- Oh, oh. Hey, hey. Love and prayers, brother.

Love and prayers.

- Well, she dumped me.

- Aye! [all cheering]

[upbeat pop music plays]

* *

- No. Hey guys, stop!

Stop. Stop dancing! Stop the dancing.

Victor, please don't Dougie.

Know when not to Dougie.

I changed my mind, guys,

and by the time she dumped me, I didn't want it.

- You're exhausting.

- Yeah, well, Shayla agrees.

I told her about our dumb revenge mission,

which I think was Anthony's idea,

and she insulted my house and left.

- This will not stand. No way.

This type of thing? She's toast, right, Mr. G?

- [sighs]

No, I mean, I don't want revenge.

I just...

I just--I just wanna lay down for a bit.

You know.

[groans]

- Well, if you still wanna date her,

maybe it's not too late

to tell her how you really feel.

- I wouldn't know what to say.

[soft music]

- You can say "I'm sorry" in the sweetest,

most talented way possible:

pure vocal expression, straight from the heart.

* *

- Weird way of putting it, but yeah.

An apology.

Not usually my style, but, you know, when they zig,

you zag.

[percussive music]

- Can you hurry up? [indistinct chatter]

- Hey! - Oh, Durbin!

- Durbin! - You're back!

- You would not believe the crazy characters we met

while you were out of town.

- Ladies, I will let you in on a little secret, okay?

Jojo and the electrician and Harry Henderson,

and assistant badminton manager Philippe

were all me in costume.

- Uh, no! - What?

- What? That's impossible.

There's no way-- - Helen.

Helen, it's okay.

We don't have to pretend anymore.

- Oh, Ralph, I wasn't pretending.

I really forgot. Oh, now, that is scary.

Let's go ahead and tell 'em about the prize.

- Come on, big money! - No whammies!

- This is "Jeopardy"!

- I have decided that there is one teacher

truly deserving of this great prize.

I mean, even though he had a bad date last night,

he still showed up today to inspire his students.

- If you say you're giving $20,000 to Jack,

I'm gonna lose my damn mind.

- $20,000-- I'm not giving away $20,000!

The prize that I'm giving Jack is invaluable.

Because the all-you-can-eat

Captain Grumpy's Seafood Roadhouse

Shrimptuberfeast certificate

has no cash value.

- So we get no money

and no Captain Grumpy's Seafood Roadhouse?

- No!

They let you throw the tails on the floor!

- And the bathrooms have bowls of free crawfish.

Should I make a reservation?

- Now, that's an aye, aye from me, okay?

Coupon or no coupon, I want some shrimps.

And some bathroom crawfish.

- The decorations were not meant to freak you out, okay?

Those are my actual things.

Like the cuckoo clock with the angel?

That's my cuckoo clock.

[chalk scratching]

Look, I'm--

I'm sorry I tried to ruin your therapy.

But I like you, and...

I would really like to continue to like you.

- Well, to be honest,

my original plan was to get to exactly two months

and then dump you.

So I guess we could just stick to the original plan.

- Hey, I'll-- I'll take that.

That sounds good.

- Honk, honk.

- Oh. Oh, no, no.

Guys. Guys, please don't do this.

both: * Beep, beep *

All: * My heart is roamin' *

- I swear I had nothing to do with the singing children.

both: * Now we're zoomin' * both: * Beep, beep *

both: * Our car is gassed, our heart can last *

* If we were in and cruise into the *

all: * Love highway *

- [in baritone] * Love highway *

all: * Beep beep, beep beep, beep beep *

- Congratulations, Jack!

You just won a romantic dinner for two!

- Okay, I swear I had nothing to do

with whatever this is, either.

- Yeah, right.

all: * Beep beep, beep beep, beep beep *

- Okay. - You're pulling me.

- I'm trying to turn.

- I should be driving!

- Show faces, people. Smiles till you're offstage.

[upbeat music]

* *

[suspicious music]

* *

- Ralph!

It's me, Helen.

Good news!

Kangaroo Lu's Down Under Taco Hut

just sent us two weekend passes

to Tacodile Dundee's Burrito Bash.

Don't worry. I got this one.