Original subtitles

[school bell rings]

- Ready to begin?

[lively music]

[grunts softly]

Whoa! [cackles]

Whoops. Wide right!

Marissa, grab that axe for me, would you?

Y'all loving this or what?

- This is fun. Very fun.

- Mr. Griffin, is there anything bothering you

in your personal life?

A new career setback? Relationship issues?

- Oh, please nothing with the lovely Lynette.

Please nothing with the lovely Lynette.

- So, Lynette and I are taking a little break.

- No! No, no, no, no, no.

- This is something adults do sometimes.

- [sobs]

- They break up.

- Ah, [bleep] this!

- She said I was incapable of real vulnerability,

which could cause a multitude of problems.

But she also acknowledged that this is a very difficult thing

for a lot of people, not just me.

- This is not happening! [bleep]

- Here's your axe.

- Thanks, Marissa.

The thing that you youngsters will learn

is that this type of thing

has less and less impact the older you get.

* *

Bullseye! Yeah.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- * Next time, I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time, well, I'll be smart *

* *

[doorbell rings]

[playful music]

* *

- Hey, Mr. Griffin. - Marcus.

- Courtesy of Mom and Pop Kasperak.

- Mm-hmm.

- So, uh, got about an hour to kill.

What're you thinking? Maybe pop some brewskis?

- No. - Watch some Skinemax?

- God, no. - Talk about your broken heart?

* *

Yeah.

You know, Sadie, my college girlfriend,

when she left me, I was wrecked.

She came crawlin' back.

You know what they say, "Once you go Kasperak, you--"

- Ugh.

- So, you know, maybe Lynette will come back.

- Stop, stop.

Look, this isn't one of those things

where you and I are gonna bond and become friends, okay?

This is me pretending to tutor you

for mutual monetary gain.

And that's all it is.

- Roger that. - Great.

- Whoa.

You play Twilight Imperium?

- I played a lot at Cambridge

where intelligent people enjoy complex strategy games.

- I play with the Emirates of Hacan.

- You would. - Let me guess.

You're a Ghosts of Creuss guy.

- I like wormholes. Duh.

- Well, I wouldn't let the Space Bunnies

get a foothold on any of the worlds you're after.

* *

- Okay, you wanna get crushed, Marcus? Fine.

Would it make you happy to get crushed?

* *

All right.

- Now that you're single, who you hanging out with, you know?

Who're your dudes? Your buds?

- I don't know. Uh, Durbin?

- Your boss? No other bros or--

- Yes, I have other bros, Marcus.

Just, you know--

Like, there's, um...

- Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

- Marcus, Marcus!

You know, you gotta be less than $50 annoying

for this arrangement to work.

And do me a favor.

Focus on activating your space cannon.

- Me too.

I've also been having nightmares about the trial.

Just knowing such evil exists!

[chips crunching loudly]

- Dave!

Can't you see we're trying

to eavesdrop on our good friend?

- Do you want me to suck the chips, ladies?

- Yes. Damn, Dave. Suck 'em.

- Great idea. I won't.

Not to anyone.

You have my word, Rusty.

[phone beeps]

- Was that another juror?

- When are you going to tell us

all the juicy details about your jury duty?

- Oh, I can't.

- The trial is over.

You are allowed to talk about the case,

according to Ohio statuette 45.12.

- I'm sorry. I made an oath to Rusty.

- Rusty who? - Mm.

I don't know his last name.

Anyway, we promised each other

we would keep the twisted details to ourselves.

[both sigh]

- Stef, you know our girl has no poker face.

All we have to do is guess, and she'll tell us everything.

Was it something to do with alligators?

- Why would you start with that?

Do the regular ones first, like,

was it third degree murder?

Second degree? Okay.

Did it involve an alligator?

- It wasn't a flasher, was it?

She would have told us if it was a flasher.

- Yeah. [gasps]

Michelle, you convicted a flasher and didn't tell us.

[tense music]

- Not convicted?

Acquitted?

He's a free man?

- Oh, my God.

There is a flasher on the loose,

and he thinks he's invincible.

[air hissing]

- Got it.

- Well, I blew it.

- With the tater tot vendor?

Did he give you the discount Prairie got?

- No. In fact, he said,

"Ralph, I need to raise the price 10%."

I didn't even ask any follow-up questions.

I just said, "Thank you, Don.

All my best to Daphne."

- You gave that mean man and his mean wife your best?

All of it?

- You should just lay me on your stoop and write,

"Home is where the wine is" on my face

because I am a doormat.

- Ralph Durbin, do you remember the Tony Robbins seminar

we took, "Reclaim Your Power"?

- Sort of. I mean,

we only watched the free 15 minute intro online.

- Well, all you have to do is three simple things.

You put your shoulders way back far like this;

you talk loud and you talk really fast;

and you call B.S. on anybody who wrongs you.

- So I says to the mayor,

"Get control of those invasive carp

"or I'm gonna cover my pontoon in dynamite,

drive her out to the Maumee and kaplowee!"

- There's your practice.

Joyce has had your leaf blower for a whole year.

[whispers] Do it.

- So the mayor says, "How you gonna get off

the pontoon if it explodes?"

I say, "Ever heard of a canoe?"

- Joyce, stop.

Where is my leaf blower?

- It's in my garage. Sorry.

I keep forgetting. - I call B.S., Joyce.

Are you forgetting, or do you simply not respect me?

- Fine.

I lent it to my cousin as a Christmas gift.

I gave it to my cousin.

- Well, you're going to give it back to me tomorrow.

Capisce?

- And I says, "Oh, are we listing boats now?

Well, how about paddle boat?

Flat bottom boat."

He says, "Oh, that's the boat my wife has."

I says, "Oh, your wife has a flat bottom?

My husband has a small dinghy."

[cackles]

- [groans]

- We're gonna have to go way deeper

for you to reclaim your power.

- Mr. Griffin is dangerously lonely.

There is a study in here that says

that men who have male friends

live five years longer than men who don't.

He's gonna die prematurely.

- And what snake oil establishment

published this so-called research?

- Harvard University.

- [groans]

- Yo, Mr. G, you want me to mess that up for you?

- No, I got it. I got it.

- All right.

- [grunts]

All right, pass it back. Pass it back to him.

I want--yes.

[light percussion music]

* *

Thank you, Dan.

My innocent little dummies.

You guys don't think I have any friends?

I have so many friends.

Most of them are, you know, coastal or international.

I mean, look, if I swung by Paris tonight,

there'd be multiple Marcels

who would want to pick me up from the airport.

Not to mention all the Mariuses

who'd be begging for me to crash on their couches.

- Why not give your fake friends a guest room?

- The saddest part, he tried to count Durbin as his friend.

all: Aww. [several giggle]

- Well, beggars can't be choosers.

- Yeah, well, I'm not a beggar, Yuyao, okay?

Durbin is my friend.

- He's your boss.

That's like me saying I'm friends

with the shadow girl that lives in my closet.

She's not my friend. She's my boss.

- Yeah. Durbin don't count.

- According to my calculations,

that takes you back to having zero male friends.

- Durbin is my friend, damn it!

We're buds, and that's that. All right?

He's gonna be a pallbearer at my funeral.

Carrying one of the front corners too

and not the thankless middle section.

And let me tell you guys something else.

I don't give a damn if he pays me!

Ralph Durbin is one of the best friends

I have ever had!

[patriotic music]

- [breathing heavily]

- I wonder who's going to carry my coffin.

Four open corners, boys.

Any takers?

- God, uh, Mr. Griffin, if I may--

- You mayn't. - Perhaps the reason

you struggle to befriend male peers

is because you're controlling.

I, like you, am an only child,

and we can be difficult to play with.

If we don't get our way, we go bananas.

- I don't go bananas, okay?

Who here has ever seen me go bananas?

- Do we count when you freaked out

and tried to tear that medical journal in half?

- Yes, I noted at the time

that you were being "bananas in pajamas."

- Look, guys, I have male friends.

Okay? And that's the end of it.

- Hmm. So if you wanted to put together a guys' game night

for, say, I don't know, this Friday night,

you could gather three to four dudes?

- Easily.

- Care to make it interesting? 20 bones?

- You know what? Let's make it 50.

I'm gonna win your half of the tutoring money.

[playfully tense music]

[both laughing]

- Boy, he was PO'd!

[Jack joins laughter]

- We talkin' pissed off?

- Yeah. - Who was it?

- It was Greg.

- Of course it was Greg. [laughs]

Which one's Greg again?

- Calculus teacher.

He had a fit at the staff cookout.

- Ah!

- "Unfairness, and I'm taking my net with me!"

[laughter]

- "Unfairness, and I'm taking

my crock pot of weenies with me!"

- There wasn't a crock pot of weenies.

This was a Spanish potluck for Señora Tammy's retirement.

- Yeah, paella, gazpacho, patatas bravas.

You know, no weenies.

- Guessed wrong. Sorry 'bout that.

[chuckles]

Ahh! Christ, this was fun.

Hey, you guys wanna do a game night Friday?

And if so, what kind of snacks would you want?

- Ah, pigs in a blanket. Yeah.

But Friday night, I have plans to polish off a bottle of wine

and bathe my mother in-law.

* *

- Okay. Well, why did you say the snack thing first

'cause I already wrote that down.

- Uh... - Yeah.

Coach, you free? - Sure.

And snack-wise, I'm a sucker for that olive oil popcorn.

- Okay.

- This Tony Robbins stuff is already working.

Jack suddenly wants me to carry his coffin.

- That's great, but if you're gonna stand up

to the tater tot exec, you gotta dig deeper.

- Okay.

- Your cowardice is ancestral.

It goes way back, but to whom?

- My grandma.

My--my grandma, when she lost our family farm to locusts,

it taught me to be weak

and--and--and to give up when things got tough.

- Yes. Call Frances Durbin

and reclaim your power.

[dramatic percussion music]

- It's going to voicemail.

[deeper voice] Uh, Granny, this is Ralph.

I wish you'd fought harder against the locusts.

Your legacy ends here.

Goodbye.

- I call B.S.

Your voice was mean, but your eyes were tender.

- Well, actually, I call bull S.

This tough gal exterior might fool some people,

but we all know you're soft inside.

Where's your backbone, Demarcus?

- I don't know. - Who took it from you?

- My dentist.

My dentist treats me like garbage

on a tri-yearly basis.

He doesn't know how much I floss!

- Well, I'm gonna call bull S-H-I-T on that, Helen.

Your dentist stole your power?

* *

Tell me about Daddy.

- Oh no, you don't.

I call a hot loose goose bull S on you,

for calling a bull...

- No, no. - S-H-I-T on me.

- You--you do not call a boomerang B.S. on me!

- I do, and I will.

- You do not boomerang B.S. on me.

- I do, and I will. - Because I will catch

that boomerang, and I will throw it back--

- And I will catch it backwards, like this,

and I'll throw it back at you.

- You will not. - I will head butt it back.

- They keep saying it's super simple,

but I'm, like, so nervous.

- I'm sure they do this all the time.

- Hey, what's up?

What are you guys talking about?

- Dale's gotta have a procedure to widen his urethra.

- Oh.

Oh, no.

Uh, well, do you guys mind if I join the convo?

- That's the conversation you want to join?

Dale's urethra surgery?

- The doctor says we're not allowed to call it a surgery.

He refers to it as a "trick."

- Oh.

God.

Um, well, hey-- what are you guys doing Friday?

And what are y'all's favorite snacks?

- Now, does this flasher have a button nose?

- [moans uncertainly]

- That sounds like a "yes" on button nose.

- Okay.

- I know you're not loving this, but we have no choice.

- Oh, my God, I have been so jumpy every time

I pass a guy in a trench coat.

Inspector Gadget-- ruined for me.

- I wear this dog cone when I walk to my car

so I can't see below waist level.

- I'm sorry you guys are so stressed.

I wish there was something I could do to ease your fears.

- You could tell us what he looks like

so we know who to avoid.

- I can't. I made an oath to Rusty!

- Rusty. The man you barely even know.

Meanwhile, one of your best friends

is walking around dressing up

as a fresh-from-the-vet ass dog.

- Right. And I can't remember.

Was it Rusty whose lease you had to co-sign

because his credit was terrible?

No. That was me, Michelle.

- Mm.

Now, does this creep have straight hair?

- [groans]

- Curly hair?

- [squeals]

- And would you say he has

a reasonable amount of forehead?

- [wails]

- An unreasonable amount of forehead?

- [squeals uncertainly]

- Oh, my God. - [squeals uncertainly]

- It's Dave?

[dramatic music]

* *

[both gasp]

[playful music]

- That's my little gal. She had six kittens total.

Seven if you count the runt, which I don't.

- Frickin' adorable.

- That's pure joy wrapped in fur.

- Got olive oil popcorn for Coach.

Potato chips for Dale. - Thank you.

- And homemade

pork shumai dumplings for Hans.

- [sniffs]

Did you make the soy ponzu dipping sauce?

Well, I don't see scallions.

- Uh! [laughs]

- They'll do.

- Okay, great.

Hey, did you guys get a chance

to review my email about how to play Twilight Imperium?

- That long-ass attachment?

Uh, was that in English, Jack?

[all chuckle]

- Yeah, it was. Okay, that's--

Yeah, all right.

It's a complicated game, so it would've--

That's okay. That's all right.

Sorry, just recalibrating here.

I will break it down for you guys.

No big. No big.

So, Twilight Imperium is, essentially,

a large-scale space opera that is as challenging

as it is rewarding.

You know what? Why don't we start

by everyone picking a race of aliens?

- Ooh, what race is ET? Because I want to be that one.

- I'll be Melmacian. That's ALF.

[cat meows on phone, phone vibrates]

- Sounds like dinnertime.

- Oh, boy. The cat sitter sent a new photo.

Look, it's the stars of the Itty Bitty Kitty Committee.

- Oh, come on.

- You gotta send me those kitty pics, Coach.

My girlfriend's gonna love those little stinkers.

- Okay. That's it.

Phones in the basket.

Come on. Let's go.

- Oh, you're not getting my phone.

I'm a grown man. Next.

- Sorry, I'm on call.

Vera, the mama cat, she's got a teat infection.

And if her fever spikes,

I gotta scoot to the cat hospital.

- Well, I'm just gonna take my phone back

if everyone else isn't going to do it.

- Let's talk big picture, okay?

So, the Winnaarans,

custodians of the galactical council,

are saying that anyone can win the throne.

And that's you guys.

[cat meows on phone, phone vibrates]

* *

- Oh. - Shit!

Ah, the board!

Grab towels. Grab towels.

- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's all right.

It's mostly just soaked New Albion.

Oh no, it's spreading to Resculon--and Corneeq!

It's spreading to Corneeq. Get towels!

- I don't know where you keep your towels.

- In the drawer, Dale! Where else would towels be?

Doy, Dale. Duh!

- Hey, what if we just play poker?

We all know that one, right?

Might be more fun.

- Oh, yeah. Sure, Coach.

Yeah, no. That sounds good.

- Oh, shoot.

Does this mean we don't get to spend

our Friday night battling over planet Poo Poo,

currently occupied by the Pee Pee?

[all chuckling]

- Nope.

[cat meows on phone, phone vibrates]

- Boots got his head caught in a Kleenex box.

all: Aww.

- I hate you guys and your stupid idiot kittens!

* *

[muffled screaming]

- [light knocks]

- You okay, bud?

Hey, I'm sorry I didn't know where your towels were.

Do you wanna apologize for yelling at me?

For saying doy to me?

- No.

- I know you wanted to make tonight a fun night, but...

maybe your game was just a little too complicated.

- It's challenging to learn,

but therefore more exhilarating to master.

- Look, we're just a bunch of doofs.

Having some brews, trying to forget our week.

Everybody likes poker. Do you wanna play poker?

Do you like pizza?

We ordered pizza.

[bright music]

Oh.

Now I got his attention.

[chuckles]

Come on, bud.

Let's go downstairs and have some fun, huh?

Pow!

I don't have kids.

Super excited to someday.

* *

- [clears throat]

I'm sorry I said I hated everyone.

And I'm sorry that I said

that your kittens were stupid idiots.

I mean, they might be stupid idiots,

but that doesn't matter.

That's not what kittens are for.

- They're actually very smart.

- May I see them?

I see why they're on the Itty Bitty Kitty Committee.

* *

[school bell rings]

- I can't do this anymore.

We--we've been at it for three days.

I am physically and emotionally spent.

- I call B.S., buttercup.

We are so close to harnessing your power.

Who taught you that you weren't worth a good goddamn?

Who said your penmanship wasn't manly enough?

- Mama. Mama did that.

It's going to voicemail. - Do it.

- Mama, it's Ralph.

I wanna thank you for treating me

like a second-class citizen.

I became stronger because I had to be.

You messed me up! Thank you!

[phone beeps]

- [breathing heavily]

Ralph Durbin, you're a goddamn tiger.

- Raaaaahhhhh!

- Now you're ready.

- Hello, Don. Yeah, it's Ralph.

Listen. Those price hikes?

They're not gonna work for me, bud.

I'm not paying a penny more for those tots.

Oh, good. Good.

I'm glad you see it my way.

Oh, Daphne says hi?

Well, you can tell your wife

to kiss my ass!

- Yes! That was great.

Wasn't that worth it? - Absolutely.

We--we saved $84 a year.

- Not another step. Stop right there.

- More work to do.

- Keep your hands where we can see them.

[playful percussion music]

- Coming through.

What's the ruckus all about?

- Dave's a flasher.

- Look at his pervy-ass trench coat.

- It's raining in Morenci.

- Only one way to prove your innocence, Dave.

Open that coat.

[suspenseful music]

* *

- Fully clothed. - Okay.

See, it was the naked ankles that threw us off.

- I rolled them up 'cause I wanted to splash

in some puddles, jeesh.

- Sorry, Dave.

Michelle was lying to us out of her own face.

- What's the story, Michelle?

- Yeah, tell us what happened at the trial.

- Damn! Dang.

Oh! I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna break my oath to Rusty.

[huffs]

There was no moon the night Miss Devons

reported for the graveyard shift at Franklin Park Mall.

As security guard, it was her job

to make sure that nobody stole any of the shopping carts

at JCPenney's.

But that night, someone did steal them.

In fact, he stole three.

[suspenseful music falls]

- That's it? [phone vibrates]

- Who the hell is this?

My mom. It's my mom.

- Oh, no. Don't answer it.

- What do I do? - Don't answer it.

[phone vibrating]

Yah, yah!

- My--my Tinder profile is not locked.

[playful percussion music]

- [chuckles]

Mm!

Well, Marcus, I won.

I won. Yeah.

And you know what?

I don't even want your money, man.

I don't want it 'cause it just feels so good to win.

I said I had guy friends, and I do.

Anthony, what are you doing, man?

Pass the phone around.

- Were you crying just before this photo was taken?

- No.

I mean, my eyes might have been watering

a little bit from the peppers on the pizza.

- I cry when I eat pizza

because I burn my mouth every time.

- Yeah, Me too. [some agreement]

Been there. It happens.

- Yeah, Heather, we're just passing the phone around

to take a look at the one picture.

- Sorry, boss.

Full disclosure.

I did see your lady bug on a leaf series.

- Well, you also saw the picture

that proves Marcus was wrong.

Here, take a look.

Yep, me and the guys, we've got a standing game night now, so--

- So I guess this is probably gonna scratch

your Twilight Imperium itch, huh?

- Ah, Christ, do you know what, Marcus?

You were right.

I didn't get my way, and I did indeed go bananas.

Yes, Eduardo, "in pajamas."

Yeah, that's why it looks like I'm crying in the photo.

I was actually just sweaty from burying my face

in the bed and screaming.

- Been there.

So, um, we still on for Sunday?

- Yeah. Yeah, we're on.

I mean, yeah, if you wanna get crushed again.

[upbeat music]

* *

- Okay.

Trudy, Trudy. Just go with this, okay?

I don't care.

Jack Griffin is one of the greatest men I've ever known,

and this is not about money.

I can't wait to meet someone and fall in love,

and when I ask them to marry me,

I'm gonna call my mom, my dad, and Jack Griffin

and ask him to be the best man at my wedding.

- Are you asking me out on a date?

- It's--Trudy, just shh. You're ruining it.

You're ruining it.

- Because I've always kind of felt--

- Wow. Thanks, Ralph.

- Jack! I didn't know you were here.

This is--this is embarrassing.

[both chuckle]

[playful music]

No, Trudy!

* *