Original subtitles

- Looking sharp, Whitlock High.

Yes, the new anti-bullying campaign

is in effect. And I, for one,

think the new uniforms look pretty cool.

Or in the words of Korean pop star

and pistachio spokesman Psy,

* Hey, dig those khakis *

* Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop *

* Whitlock High's got style *

- Ow, come on, man.

- Grab the day by the horns.

- Ow. - Sir, if you don't comply

with the dress code, I have to send you home.

- Get off me, man.

Ralph, will you please tell your goon here

that I have a sweatpants exception?

- Jack, in order for this uniform thing to work,

everyone has to participate, including faculty.

- I didn't like it at first, either.

You know how much I love to wear school colors.

But just between you, me and my dogs,

I still found a way.

- Is it cool if I go do something else?

- Yes.

- Ralph, this is insane.

Please cancel the uniforms.

- That is a no I can't do.

All right, look.

I was talking to the superintendent.

And she said one of the biggest problems

in this district is bullying.

So I pointed out, well,

if everybody wore the same thing...

There's less stuff to make fun of.

You know, 'cause it's harder to tell

when someone is...

dorky.

And who's...

poor.

- Mm. - They're gonna call it

the Durbin Anti-Bullying Uniform Campaign.

Yay.

- Who will? - Yay!

- Who is going to call it that?

Can she hear me? - No.

- [grumbles]

Look, man.

Uniforms promote conformity, okay?

You're gonna turn these kids into

mindless zombies, like a cult.

- [scoffs]

- [scoffs] Okay.

I do not see that happening.

[steady music]

- We're forming a cult.

["Listen To My Heart" by the Ramones playing]

- * One, two, three, four *

* Next time, I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time, well, I'll be smart *

* *

- Why are we forming a cult, exactly?

- Because, Sarika.

The khakis kind of dig into my little waist.

- Mm, I smell a trouble in paradise sitch.

You and Lynette, you're having problems.

So you take it out on the uniforms.

- Wrong as always, Marcus.

Now, granted, we're not forming a real cult, guys.

Okay, real cults are for sad people,

who can't find friends or sex partners the normal way.

[indistinct chatter] - Wait, we get sex partners?

- Guys, we just need to act like a cult.

So that Durbin loses faith in these stupid uniforms.

All right, now who's gonna be our cult leader?

Cult leaders are... [sighs]

Insecure, clingy weirdos

with very basic acoustic guitar skills.

- That's me.

Uh, I can play G and C chords,

and I've been known to let self-doubt

nip at my heels.

- Yeah, that's right.

Your parents' divorce really rocked your self-esteem,

didn't it?

Nice. - It did.

But I've been going to therapy.

And I use meditative breathing to cope.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Also, I paint my arms with finger brushes

as a means to self-soothe.

- Well, we found our cult leader.

- [chuckles] - Nice, man.

- Girl, you picked the right week to be on bed-rest.

This uniform is very tight in the pits.

- Well, wasn't my choice.

Apparently the baby got flipped around,

and if I don't take it easy for the next few days,

it's gonna think that it's supposed

to come out of my mouth.

- [giggles]

- Okay.

You know how I get an email alert anytime

a '90s R&B singer enters the state of Ohio?

- No. - No.

- Well, I just got us tickets to Electronni

with backstage passes.

- Oh, my-- [gasps]

Girl, Electronni was my jam.

You remember "P U This Car Stanky"?

- * We're banging in the backseat *

* So open a window, girl *

[laughs]

- Oh...

You probably can't go, huh, Stef?

- Nope.

- So unfair. - No.

Remember "Pew Pew Our Love Stinks"?

- [laughs]

I humped the hell out of my parents' ottoman

to that song. - Aw, me too.

I was in love with my parents' ottoman.

- Well--well, hold on.

I mean, I want to hear about your ottoman.

Take me with you.

[light music]

Dave.

What's that around your neck?

- Oh, this is my lanyard.

* *

[all exhaling]

- No, stop.

Stop, guys, stop.

This--this isn't working.

- No, yeah, it is, yeah, it is.

My brain is tingling like

it just had a sip of Dr. Pepper.

- I feel amazing, too.

I'm so relaxed, I can't close my jaw.

- Well, that's the thing with cults.

I mean, they do start out idyllic.

I mean, who doesn't love dancing and fresh lettuce?

Look, we need year five of the cult,

where there's a bunch of pantsless children

running around, firing guns

when everyone's foraging for dumpster lettuce.

We gotta make Durbin think you guys are way more disturbed.

- Maybe we could hang after school,

try to dig a little deeper?

I recently realized I've been lying to myself

for years about having shredded abs.

I don't. - Yeah, sure.

Uh, let's--let's do that.

Okay, now have a creepy routine ready

by Tuesday morning, okay?

We gotta freak Durbin out

so we can get rid of these awful uniforms.

[bell rings]

[tense music]

* *

- Buckle up-- you're about to see

Dr. Asher's methodology firsthand.

How are you feeling?

- You know, Vic.

On top of the world like always.

Slam dunk, stop, smell the roses, repeat.

- Oops.

You touched your face when you said it.

That's a divorce.

Anytime you break the bond,

that's a divorce.

Here, let's try this again.

How are you feeling?

Exhale.

- [exhales] - Keep going.

Why are grades so important to you?

- Because I want to go to a good college.

- Go deeper.

- Because I want to succeed.

I want to, like, own sculptures.

- [snickers] Deeper.

- I'm not saying that I'm attracted to my mom.

I'm saying my mom...

is attractive.

In another world, maybe.

* *

- Because Harvard's the best school.

And I thought if I got in,

I'd finally feel like I'm good enough.

Wow...

I've been so mean to myself.

- You've been asleep for a long time,

haven't you?

Good morning, Sarika.

[together] Good morning, Sarika.

- [exhales]

- [exhales slowly]

- Stop.

- [coughs]

- Now I have one question.

What should we do with this?

- Trash it.

[triumphant music]

* *

[joyful music]

- We have another good morning.

[applause]

- Victor cured me, y'all.

- We're really getting somewhere now.

I say we continue this at my home all weekend.

Some of Dr. Asher's teachings

can be better illuminated through lack of sleep.

* *

[tenmse music]

* *

- Oh, there you are, Ralph.

- Hey, wait-- Helen, Helen, wait.

Look, not a bully in sight.

It's working.

And you know the crazy thing?

This whole uniform thing, I made it up.

I just blurted it out.

I gotta think less, and just say things, you know?

Wall cupcakes.

Shoes made out of water.

I--I'm sorry, you wanted to tell me something?

- Oh, yeah, there's a bully in your office

with their victim.

- Okay, Helen.

Please interrupt me if you have information

that undercuts my whole speech.

- Oh, okay.

Okay.

Well, Ralph.

Apparently, Jen here

told Karl Peterkowski that Anna had a crush on him.

And then Karl laughed in Anna's face.

- I--I'm sorry, and this bullying

happened while you were in uniform?

'Cause that's the part I don't get.

Okay, we're--

we're not gonna make an official report, but...

[suspenseful music]

- Hello, everyone.

I just wanted you all to know that

sophomore Jen Salavantis has a big old crush

on senior Steve Dunn.

- How did you know that?

- Your mom told me. We pickleball.

Ha!

- How's it feel to have your crush outed, you bully?

- Mortifying.

- Mortifying?

[airy music]

[all inhale]

[all exhale]

[all inhale]

[all exhale]

[relaxing music playing]

- All right.

Morning, everybody.

Yeah.

Good.

This is very odd.

I like it, okay.

Uh, what else you guys got? - Victor saved my marriage.

- [laughs] That's good.

You're married? - Now I am.

To Marissa.

- All right, well, this is all very creepy.

And I like it a lot.

Um, but save some of it for Durbin, okay?

'Cause when he sees this, I'm telling you,

he's definitely gonna cancel these uniforms.

- But the uniforms help us feel like part of the collective.

It's our group skin.

- Oh, whoa--uh, Grace

your--your finger is bleeding pretty bad there.

You want to head over to the nurse's office

and get that bandaged up?

- [laughs]

- The Illustrious One says that medicine can't save us.

We have to save ourselves.

- I threw my inhaler away.

- I'm gonna kiss my mom. - Uh--wait, what?

- He said he's gonna kiss his mom.

Are you having trouble hearing?

And why the [bleep] are you wearing shoes in my presence?

[eerie music]

- Take the shoes off.

- Okay. I'll bite.

- My wife will take your shoes.

- Did you say your wife, Caleb?

I'm sorry, I must be having memory loss.

Because I thought we were all married to Marissa.

Doth thou claim sole possession over this virgin?

[eerie music]

* *

- I'm sorry, sir.

- The Illustrious One says you shall receive 12 paddles.

Do you accept?

- I accept with enthusiasm.

[together] One for the divorcer!

- Oh, my God. - Thank you.

[together] Two for the divorcer.

- Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Grace, Grace, Grace-- ah-ah-ah-ah!

Let's--we're gonna, um...

There we go, good.

Let's take five on the group paddling.

[dramatic music]

* *

Uh, you know what guys?

Let me, uh... I'm just gonna...

Give me a sec, give me a sec.

Coming through, sorry.

Uh, hey, listen-- uh, Ralph.

I, uh, I tried to ruin your stupid uniform thing

by forming a fake, creepy cult.

But now it's a creepy, real cult.

This is their paddle.

Bottom line is, I don't care about the uniforms anymore.

I just want my kids brains' back.

- Okay, I'm gonna look into this.

Helen, hold my calls.

Actually, no, wait. That doesn't make any sense.

Answer my calls, and write down the messages.

So, wait, Helen, what I'm saying

is take my calls.

Yeah, yeah, cult. - Here we go, here we go.

- Well, now he's got me all jumbled.

I guess I should just get rid of that.

- Dave, I appreciate you taking me

to the Electronni concert, but what the hell

is going on with your shirt cursive?

- Uh, you know, I've never been great with fabric paint.

- [snickers]

- When we got married, Heath said

I could make out with Electronni.

It was in his vows. [laughs]

Electronni is my hall pass.

- Okay.

- When you're single, a hall pass

is just when you pass someone you slept with in the hall,

and you pretend to be on a fake phone call.

- Oh. - Hey-o.

- Hey, here's a fun tidbit.

I actually went to summer camp with Electronni.

Of course, he was Electronald back then.

Ah, no, I'm just kidding.

He was Ronald, but we were swim buddies.

- Yeah, right, Dave, don't lie.

Electronni's afraid of the water.

He said it in

* Let's do it on the dock, girl *

- * 'Cause this lake stinky and I can't swim *

- * I'll still take you in the deep end *

- * But you gotta wear your floaties *

- No talking, Dave. - No Dave.

- He can't swim, Dave.

- Hey, Mary.

- Uh, yes, this is she.

Oh, no, Grandma got frozen?

Oh, no, she froze.

Okay, well, I will tell the government,

thank you very much.

[quirky music]

- Okay, come here, look, look, look.

Look, yeah. [grunts]

Look at these pillows, look at the formation.

Look at--look at their faces.

Victor, say something.

- Hi, Principal Durbin.

I was just confiding in my peers about

how difficult divorce can be.

I don't suppose you can relate to that?

- Ooh, man.

Boy, do I ever.

[groans]

- You know what can help?

- Hmm? - Close your eyes,

and think of a painful memory.

- [sighs]

Probably when my wife started introducing me

as her "buddy Ralph."

- Now, take a deep breath.

And send that memory over to Anthony.

- [exhales]

- [inhales]

Got it.

Permission to excrete Principal Durbin's memory?

[eerie music]

* *

- Guys, that--

that really helped.

Thank you. [laughs]

That was--

I was so worried

this whole uniform thing would be a bust.

But I feel 100% better.

[laughs] Cleansed.

[laughs]

Whoo!

* *

- You know, I'm actually starting to feel jealous

of your setup, Stef. - Seriously.

You get to see Electronni tonight

without all the bad parts of going to a concert.

- Right?

Like, I am not going to miss having to park,

and stand in line,

and pay $18 for a damn water.

- Seven words.

Wet toilet paper on the--

wait, what am I at?

- Five.

- Damn, I'm gonna need more words.

Bottom of my shoe.

- Ugh.

Maybe I hate going to concerts.

- Going to concerts sucks.

- [scoffs]

- What are we doing? - I don't know.

Even waiting in line for the bathroom--

- I--it's a nightmare.

[quirky music]

- Hello?

Is anybody in this bathroom?

Can somebody please tap this man and tell him

that my friends have left the bathroom?

And that he needs to go jogging down that hallway.

- We've had some time to think about

your little betrayal yesterday.

We're not mad. We get it.

When people get too close to you, you run away.

- We made you a place to sit.

[dramatic music]

- I don't like that.

And, actually, if you guys don't snap out of this

right now, I'm giving you all F's.

- The Illustrious One says that grades just tear us apart.

- The grades also get you into Harvard.

- Oh, I'm not going to Harvard.

No, I'm staying here and having Marcus's babies.

- And that'll do her.

Uh, I'm out. Ah!

[eerie music]

* *

All right.

- It's curious you're trying to break up

our little family, Jack,

especially considering the fact that

you're from a broken home yourself.

Your father...

Where is your father, Jack?

- I honestly don't care.

- Let's restart.

Good morning.

Where's Papa, Jack?

Is Papa mad?

- Nope, joke's on you.

Sends me a Christmas card every year from Ann Arbor.

- Tell Anthony about the last time you saw your papa.

- Let me inhale your pain. I'm strong enough.

* *

- Okay, look.

My dad didn't care about me when I was young,

and I don't care about him now that he's old.

- It's too much! It's too much.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Illustrious One.

[all laughing]

- What an odd joke.

Me, the Illustrious One?

- The Illustrious One speaks to us through Victor.

- Every Wednesday at 5:30.

- That lady? Is that your therapist?

- More importantly,

she's our leader.

[steady music]

We must help Jack reconcile with his father.

- I found his father's address

and drafted a letter from Jack.

He forgives his father, and beckons him home.

- Uh, well, let's definitely not send that letter.

Um, brothers and sisters...

- Sarika is wise. Let us dance.

[kazoo buzzes]

* *

[tense music]

- [laughs] Whoa.

- Wow. [laughs]

- So cool. - Very cool.

- Boys, we can't see each other.

Bellies together.

- Uh... - Here, split it.

- Okay, let's get real.

What's the plan when Electronni gets here?

- I know, I'm getting nervous.

I mean, I love my husband.

But, what if?

- That was an impressive show.

I liked when he did the worm.

- Yeah, I feel bad for whoever's gotta

clean up that sweat puddle.

- Oh, in the janitor biz?

We call that a macho cheese.

- Why?

- Fine, I lied.

Nobody calls it that. Uh, I'm sorry.

- Dale, we like you.

You don't have to make up stuff to impress us.

- Yeah, you're doing great tonight.

- Shut up! - Stop!

- We can hear you.

So we agree.

I should make my move.

- Wait.

Please don't do this.

- Keith, what are you doing here?

You don't even like Electronni.

- I'm here to stop this.

Now that you two are in the same room together,

it's getting too real.

I can't share you with anyone.

- What about your hall pass?

- Katie Couric can kiss my ass in hell.

- Ooh.

- Oh.

That was sweet.

- All right, Mary. We're up.

- Oh, okay. - [laughs]

- Oh, wow.

- And what's your name, stinky girl?

- Mary.

- Mm, and what's your name?

- Stef.

- Well, this is a dedication

to Stinky Mary and Stinky Stef.

* Oo-oo-wee, you just as stinky as can be *

[together] * Can somebody *

* Open up a window? *

- Hey, Ronald.

- Oh, shit.

Oh, goddamn.

Dave Pugh? - Yeah.

- You scared the shit out of me.

- I'm sorry about that, man.

I wasn't gonna interrupt,

but you had your hand on my thigh.

I felt like I had to say hey.

- Dave.

- Hey, do you remember?

[together] * Don't give me no pop *

* No pop, don't give me no tea, no tea *

* Just give me that milk, moo moo moo moo *

* That Thunderbird milk, moo moo moo moo *

* Camp Thunderbird! *

[laughter]

- Wow.

- Oh, my God. - [laughs]

- Oh, snap, that's good. - Yeah.

- [winces]

Somebody turns us off.

- Great idea, Ralph.

[laughs]

[knock at door]

- Oh, hi.

- Oh, Mr. Dunn.

- You made an announcement

that Jen Salavantis likes me, and...

I like her, too.

Could you maybe make another announcement

that I like her back?

- Steve, that was done to punish Jen.

- Yeah, I mean if you humiliated a peer,

then we would humiliate you back by announcing the crush.

- Okay, I definitely will.

- Ugh.

Oh, Ralph, we did this.

- I'm cancelling the uniforms.

They obviously...

didn't work.

[suspenseful music]

* *

[tranquil music]

* *

- Good morning, brothers and sisters.

Oh.

I see we have some new folks.

Very cool, very, very cool.

Well, I come bearing a gift.

- Dr. Asher?

- Yes, oh--Illustrious One,

won't you have a seat over in the chair here--

Oh, I scratched my face whilst addressing you.

That's a divorce, um.

Please, it would be such an honor

if you would paddle me yourself.

How many strikes do I get?

- What is happening, Mr. Griffin?

- Oh, uh, Victor taught us your covenant.

[together] One for the divorcer.

- Come on, Dr. Asher.

Victor said you believe in paddling

and that you hate divorce and medicine.

- [scoffs] I love medicine.

And--and I think divorce is a really healthy thing.

I've been divorced...

twice.

[all gasp]

[suspenseful music]

* *

- Does this mean I can have my inhaler back?

- Thank you, Doctor.

That will be all. - Okay, I'm 150 for the hour

and I only do Zipcash.

- Zipcash, okay.

Well, I will figure out what the hell that is.

[laughs]

Oh, you can go too ladies.

- So we are not going to space when we make

the thousandth khaki? - No...

Sorry, ladies.

Gerta, Heidl, Lati.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I...guess I got a little carried away.

- Yeah, a little bit there, bud, little bit.

But I think everything's gonna be okay.

Sarika, do you care about grades?

- More than anything.

- And do you want to have Marcus's babies?

- No. - Damn it.

- Well...

Good morning, Sarika.

[upbeat music]

- Attention, students. I'd like to admit

that I have a crush on my pastor, Vicky.

I-I don't even know if she's allowed

to go out on dates or not.

- I have a crush on the lady that neutered my pug.

And, uh, if Dr. Meg is your mom,

I apologize, but she's cute.

- Okay, so there you have it.

A taste of our own medicine.

And--oh, and uniforms are no longer mandatory.

Wear whatever you want.

- You still have to cover up your bellies, your Susies,

your Willies, your vuvuzelas, and your dangling Henrys.

- Lunch today is Salisbury steak.

- [laughs]

- * We're banging in the backseat *

* Ooh, open that window *

* Yeah *

Oh, man.

[mischievous music]

* *

John Griffin.

Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Diane, hey.

I got one more for you.

Have a good one. [laughs]

[sighs]

You did good, Dale.

You did good.