Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

* *

- You picked the wrong day too, huh?

The faculty retreat doesn't start till tomorrow.

[laughter]

- It went in your mouth?

- In--in--right straight in. Oh...

- [chuckling]

Mm.

That is good. - Oh.

Wow. - What do you say?

One more?

- Yeah, I...

Jack.

This thing between us, I...

I can't deny it anymore.

- I, uh...

I don't know what you mean.

- I must have you.

["My Heart Will Go On" playing]

- The Upper Peninsula winds whipped against the windows

and the fire roared as the two men wondered,

"Would this be the night their forbidden passions

became reality?"

Durbin inhaled Jack's hot Twizzler breath

moaning quietly as he inched closer

to his supple lips.

- Durbin wouldn't do that.

His quiet reluctance is part of his character.

And the Twizzler takes us out of it.

- I'm experimenting.

- What are you guys doing?

- Nothing. - We're shipping Mr. Griffin...

- Nothing. - And Principal Durbin.

- So you write romance novel stories about them,

'cause that'd be funny?

- It's about pairing people in power.

- It's essentially fan fiction,

but we write them about the teachers.

- Can I play?

- You can't just play.

There's a lot of world-building involved.

Listen.

[horse whinnying]

Blackjack Griffin couldn't remember

the last time he'd had a bath,

couldn't remember what it felt like

to have a naked body pressed against his.

That was all about to change.

Or so he thought.

[knocks] - Whiskey.

- There's only one rule in the Old West,

talk straight, shoot straight, and walk crooked.

- Thought you were dead.

How many times I gotta kill you?

- Principal Durbin said.

- Well, it doesn't seem like he'd go by that there.

- I don't know his first name.

- I'm sorry I shot you, J-Jerry.

I felt bad for that prostitute.

- I get it.

I was actin' funny, 'cause my horse thievin' wife

had gone and got herself hanged,

and I didn't have no one to...touch.

- I reckon everyone needs the warmth

of someone else's body sometimes,

or else...

- Or else they die.

Oh, Blackjack, don't.

- Oh.

Now you're shy?

- Durbin found himself taking refuge in his embrace,

hiding in its comfort.

- Okay, I get it.

Let me try.

Mr. Griffin knew exactly what he was doing

when he pulled the brown cardigan

out of the drawer.

He was the kind of man who hid what was broken in himself

under three days of stubble and a wrinkled shirt,

like these things would make his pain into a joke,

make him into someone who didn't feel pain at all.

But Principal Durbin wore his pain on the outside

in a starched collar

and a belt that matched his shoes,

the kind of pain that begs to be looked at, caressed.

They were the same in a way, men like that.

They reach a point where there's nothing left

to talk about.

All you have is a heart beating so loud and so fast

you wonder if everyone can hear it.

And you wonder if just maybe

what's broken in him might make a home

for what's broken in you,

wonder if the man across from you

is thinking about pulling you down

on the sturdy wooden desk between you.

* *

- She's good.

- All right, everybody, shush it.

I got tricked last night.

Yeah, I want everybody to line up

and take a bite of this,

and tell me if you think they were correct

in calling this mild, because I think it's too hot.

It's too hot.

- Faculty and students, I have just been informed

by the Toledo weather federation

we are officially in a tornado watch.

- It's coming. It's coming. It's coming!

- I need all teachers

to take their students to the gym,

auditorium, or a hallway with no windows.

We are officially on lockdown.

- It's definitely too spicy, Mr. Griffin.

[groans]

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- * Next time, I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time, well, I'll be smart *

* *

- Again, this is not a test.

Please proceed calmly to a safe area.

- There's no saving them, Ralph.

This is the son of a bitch that took my Pop-Pops.

- Did a tornado really kill your grandfather?

- My grandfathers.

It killed both of 'em.

They went out to distract it

so me and my Mee-Maws could get in the root cellar.

And it scooped 'em up and slammed 'em together

like a pair of dirty flip-flops.

And then I turned back to look.

They popped like two water balloons

full of Spaghetti-Os.

They popped my Pop-Pops.

And now it's coming back to get me

to finish the job.

- Helen... - Mm.

- When this passes, would you be okay with, um,

taking a couple of days off?

- That's so sweet.

I don't need that.

Why--why'd you think that?

[eerie music]

* *

- Hey, there you are. Are you good?

- Me, yeah, I'm good.

Yeah, no, I'm fine. Yeah, of course. Um, you?

- Didn't you say it was a tornado watch that made you

wet your pants?

- [wheezing]

- Oh. - [wheezing]

- Joyce, are you okay?

- I'm fine. All the excitement just made me dizzy.

I probably just need a piece of cheese.

Does anyone have any cheese in their pocket?

- You want Swiss or Havarti?

- Well, if it makes you feel better,

Jack here once peed his pants during a tornado watch.

- What? No, I didn't. - Yeah, you did.

- No, I didn't. It's not--not true.

And if you were making a joke, it wasn't a good one.

Clunk.

[plucky music]

* *

- Where is the bunker? - I'm just, like,

how is this structure not built to protect us?

- That's what I'm saying. - Hi!

We need to bust outta here now.

- Hell, no. I'm not going outside.

There's probably cows flying around.

- Yeah, I'm not trying to get hit upside the head

by no barn or something knocking my baby

straight outta me before I even get

to paint the nursery, girl. - Okay.

- Listen to me.

Keith is sound-mixing today.

He works in a glass gazebo

in our backyard with a blindfold

and noise-cancelling headphones.

And the song he's working on is mostly wind and sirens.

I need to sneak out of here and save my husband,

and I need your help.

- Oh, I'm sure he's dead.

And you need to let him go.

But I'll help you get out.

- At least to identify the body.

Okay.

[thunder booming]

- "Mr. Griffin continued.

"'Alice Ball developed a drug to treat leprosy from what?'

"Sarika's hand was first to raise.

"'The oil of the chaulmoogra tree.'

She was correct again."

- Learning biology is not a fantasy.

- For me it is. - I'm sorry.

We're just not inviting new members right now.

- Oh, got it.

- Oh, [bleep] me.

Fine, Sarika, you're in.

- Yes. - Dan, wait.

Let's hear it.

- Okay.

- All right, gang,

the tornado watch has been upgraded

to a tornado warning.

But do not worry.

There's nothing to fear.

Papa Durbs will keep you safe.

- It's a stone-cold killer! - No, Helen.

It got a taste of my bloodline, and it wants seconds.

We're all dead. We're dead. - No, no.

No, do not live in fear.

Bye. - Dead!

- Sounds like it's more serious than we thought.

- Yeah, yeah, this could definitely be it.

- Like, people should definitely say

everything they need to say to the people they snapped at.

- Yeah, or, you know,

if they embarrassed the other person

in front of a bunch of people, you know,

then they should probably say something to make amends.

- I agree.

- I agree more. - Me too...even more.

* *

[quirky upbeat music]

- Hey, there you are.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, girl.

You with me?

- [sobs]

- Hey, hey, come here, come here, come here.

* *

What's got you shook, Janette?

- [sobs]

- G-Money.

- Step away from her now.

- What is this?

- Mr. G said.

- Do as they say, Griff-daddy.

- She's not who you think she is, G-dawg.

In fact,

she's not even what you think she is.

- Nice, sci-fi.

Great call.

- Are you out of your mind, Durbin?

Tell them to stop pointing guns at my girl!

- Griff... [sloshing]

I'm...

- A goddamn alien.

She was sent to analyze vitals for our planet

so space cockroaches can drain it dry.

- But stupid me,

I had to fall in love.

- Love?

- Yeah, love.

- [sighs]

- So Jackie, like,

brushes his hand across her alien cheek,

then in slow motion

he reaches inside his sweater and pulls out not one

but two guns, right?

And he starts blasting at the feds like

blow, blow, blow, blow, blow! - Wow.

- Diving to the side.

They all firing back. Blow, blow, blow!

Maybe some doves are flying in slow motion.

And maybe some of them get hit by the bullets.

You know what I'm saying? - Wow.

- So good. - Love it.

[dramatic music]

- [breathing heavily]

* *

- Griff...

they got me.

- Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Don't worry about me, Mr. G.

Go save...

the world.

- Don't you see?

You are my world.

* *

No, no.

- [screaming]

[applause]

- I still feel like

we're letting too many people into this.

- I will cut your throat open with the pen I'm holding.

- Okay, but no more after him.

[plucky music]

* *

- Thanks again for helping sneak me out, Dale.

I just hope my husband's still alive.

- I hear ya. I'd be worried sick

about my wife if she hadn't left me

and gone back to Russia with half my money.

- Damn, Dale.

Just damn.

- I'll just grab the key to the south wing.

We'll sneak you out from there. - Okay.

* *

- What the hell is this?

- Don't!

- It's trash, all of our old trash...

made into dolls.

- Dale, these are beautiful.

- Be gentle with them.

They're precious to me.

[dramatic music]

- They moved closer to him.

They wanted to be-- dare they even think it?

One with him. - Hold on.

Why are they wearing that?

- I--in this scenario,

I just figured the women

would want to be in something more comfortable.

- Your idea of "more comfortable" for women

means tank tops and short skirts?

- Uh, no. Wait, check this out.

- It's time we flee.

- No, you piece of meat.

We want to stay with you.

- She said, strong and confident,

as any strong and confident woman would say.

- Good.

Then back to the task at hand...

us kissing. Come here.

- Oh, you brute! You pig!

* *

- Why, you pig.

You brute!

- What is happening?

- Sorry, Kozlowski, this simply isn't a fit.

- Yeah, why are they punching his chest?

- That's what they always do

in the classic films my dad watches

with his new girlfriend.

She hates me.

I guess everyone does.

- Fine, you can join.

Just don't have the women punch the men's chests.

- Roger that.

Super helpful.

- [straining]

Oh, okay.

- Hey. - Oh.

Need a hand there, buddy? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

I, uh, bit off a little more than I could chew.

[drill whirring]

- Looks good. - Hey, you had a little, uh,

moment with Lynnette back there.

- Oh, well, yeah. I mean, I'm like,

if I tell you something in confidence,

do you mind not blabbing it to all my co-workers?

- I know it's tough, all right?

But you gotta let that stuff go.

My ex-wife told all of our friends

that I shave my earlobe hair, and I freaked out.

- Let me see.

Yeah, look at that, a little stubble on there.

- Yeah, so...

smooth as a duck's flipper.

[gentle music]

* *

- Okay. Well, um,

I'm gonna go see if she's around.

- Oh, yeah, hey, thanks for the hand.

- No problem. - All right.

- Hey, can I tell you mine?

- You wrote one?

Where's your notebook?

- Bitch, I don't need a notebook.

I know who I want to ship.

Just tell me where it happens, and I'll bring the magic.

- Well, nothing's sexier than the Old West,

chaps, stirrups, dust, lassos, leather.

- There you go, sir.

Oh, well, welcome to Harriet's House of Harlots.

I'm Harriet.

Would you like something to drink?

We have, basically, like,

everything you would have in the Old West.

- Well, give me whatever. That's not the point of this.

I'm here to get fully weird, and I don't care who it's with.

Obviously, I don't want it to be, like, a gross old drifter

but otherwise I'm open.

- Well, you've come to the right place.

[upbeat music]

- Um, yes, please.

* *

Are you guys, like, cool with me buying your shots

and joining your group, or do you totally hate that?

- Get your buns in here.

- Coach sat down with his new friends.

- I am officially dead.

How do you guys know each other?

- We, like, met doing a traveling medicine show,

blah, blah.

- I am, like, already in love with you all.

- Uh, we are, like, 100% loving you.

- I'd literally tell you anything.

- I'm officially dead again.

- You are a frickin' rock star traveling from town to town

walking into saloons where you literally know nobody.

- Literally, how do you do it?

- * It's so hard for a fella *

- * Who ain't got no home *

- Wow. Nice pipes, Anthony.

I got peanut butter sandwiches

for anyone who's getting hungry.

Oh.

Keep at it. Wow.

- I was not mean to you.

- Oh, come on. - You were mean to me.

You used my childhood trauma

as a source of workplace comedy.

- I was just trying to comfort Joyce when she...

just...

listen, dude.

I get that tornadoes make you freak out,

but it's no excuse to be a bad boyfriend.

- Wait...

[wind whooshing, windows rattling]

[upbeat music]

You know what?

I'm glad this tornado happened.

We were never gonna work.

We're just too different.

- Total opposites.

I like wine and Toledo.

- And I like bourbon and France.

[chimes jingling]

* *

- Baby, loving you is a whirlwind.

* *

- Their tongues danced

like hypnotized snakes

in each other's mouth baskets.

- Whoa. - Oh, my gosh.

Come sit with us. - Yeah, yeah.

- And high school was different

for Ashley Joy Minette from then on.

In some ways, it had just begun.

- What is the big damn deal?

So you had an accident when you were young.

- The point is, I was alone when a tornado hit,

because my mom had to work all the time after my dad left.

It sucked, okay, to be a kid and to be scared.

- How was I supposed to know all those layers

if you don't tell me? You have zero vulnerability.

- The one time I was vulnerable,

you went and blabbed about it, you know?

I'm supposed to trust a b-b-b-blabbermouth?

God.

- This is a sentence I never thought I'd have to say.

But the...

the door to the lawnmower shed has been ripped off.

It's lying in the grass.

However, I urge all of you to remain calm.

- It's here. Dear God, it's here.

I've put you all in so much danger.

I'm gonna offer myself up

as a sacrifice in order to save the school.

- No, Helen. No, Helen! - Yes, I am.

- Hi, Keith.

It's me again. [chuckles]

I know the song you're mixing

also has a lot of phone ringing sounds,

but again, there's a tornado warning,

and you really gotta get out of that glass gazebo.

Call me if you get this. Mwah!

- Michelle! There you are.

Helen just burst past Coach and ran outside.

- What?

[thunder booming]

- I don't see her.

[loud thud]

[dramatic music]

all: Eduardo!

- 'Sup.

She's a bit banged up.

She'll be all right.

- Oh.

He saved my butt!

- I never knew you were master blackbelt level strong.

- Your compliments are greatly appreciated, art teacher.

You may touch my arm. - [gasps]

- Ooh, my turn, my turn!

I wanna feel the arm that's keeping me and my baby safe.

- Is it over? Can we come out now, Eduardo?

- You saved us, Eduardo.

- Will you open this for me?

* *

all: Oh!

* *

- Ahh!

[glass shattering]

all: All hail Eduardo!

The great tornado slayer!

All hail Eduardo!

- Eduardo French-kissed each of the teachers,

and he did it totally correctly.

- Okay, French-kissing bandit and crew,

let's get all those notebooks. - Ralph!

Ralph, there you are.

It took a left.

Thank God the tornado took a left.

Oh, my God.

It's going for my sister in Cincinnati.

- [sighs] - Oh, God.

- It's over.

You're all free to go home,

except the A.P. Bio students.

[upbeat bouncy music]

* *

- [gasps]

Keith, you're okay! - Yeah.

Just barely. It was really windy,

and I didn't know it.

- Well, how's the song?

- It's coming apart at the seams, you know.

I'm really worried about my vision

for a song that's all sound effects.

- Oh. - My manager,

he called it "not a song."

- What?

- "Along with their..."

Guys, what are you doing?

You're supposed to be my good kids.

- Yeah, really. You know, I'm actually

with Durbin for once.

All these scenarios where we're kissing?

- Yeah, oh, yeah. I'm sorry, that's the joke?

'Cause, frankly, I don't see the punch line.

- Or is it that just that you guys like seeing

people in positions of power act like...

[sensual music]

* *

Like goddamn animals?

Already? You wrote one while we were filing in?

- Yeah, that was me.

I'm quick like that.

- What are you guys doing?

You're supposed to be my good kids?

You all have detention starting now.

You're gonna sit here

and think about what you've done,

and we are taking these. - Yep.

Bad kids.

Bad.

[upbeat music]

* *

- Okay, I'll go first.

Durbin and Mr. Griffin were still charged up

from scolding the students.

* *

[laughter]

- Oh, Eduardo really did his research

on unusual sex practices, didn't he, 'cause...

- Oh, wait till you get to

the Ancient Egyptian public masturbation ceremony

starring Durbin. - No.

- Yeah, mm-hmm. - No, no! God.

- [laughs] - Yeah, I'm not--no.

I'm not gonna read that one. I'm just not.

- Hey, I'm sorry about today.

- No, no, I--

no, I'm--I'm sorry that I lashed out at you.

- Well, I shouldn't have told everyone

that you peed your pants. - [sighs]

- I didn't realize it was connected to deeper stuff.

- Well, yeah, 'cause I didn't tell you.

- Maybe we could both stand to be a little more vulnerable.

- Yeah.

- She brushed her hand across his sinewy chest

and turgid nipples.

She'd always admired his turgid nipples

but most of all his intense vulnerability

and almost alarming openness

about every painful thought and feeling

that crossed his mind.

- * Someday soon I'll just live over yonder *

* Bring you coffee to taste *

* Crossword puzzles to ponder *

* And I hope you're well *

- Bye, Jack. - * And you know *

* That I love you *