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.
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00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:02,540
[school bell rings]
- All right, everybody,
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00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:05,330
start to shut up.
Let's go ahead
4
00:00:05,370 --> 00:00:06,540
and wrap up
your current sentences
5
00:00:06,570 --> 00:00:07,900
and get yourselves
to a quiet place.
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00:00:07,940 --> 00:00:09,340
- Mr. Griffin,
Dan is in my seat.
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00:00:09,380 --> 00:00:10,720
- Okay, I didn't even
know it was his.
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00:00:10,740 --> 00:00:12,210
You added me
to this weird class,
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00:00:12,250 --> 00:00:13,650
and now I don't
know what's going on.
10
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:14,880
- Calm down, calm down.
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00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:16,220
Let's don't be
so rule-minded.
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00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,550
No point
in your adult lives
13
00:00:17,590 --> 00:00:18,920
will you ever have
assigned seats.
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Besides airplanes.
- And jury duty.
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00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,490
- If I've already undercut
myself, don't add to it.
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00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,890
'Kay? As you all know,
this week we are
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00:00:25,930 --> 00:00:29,700
devoting our attention to
the psychological dismantling
18
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:32,830
of my academic rival,
Miles Leonard.
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00:00:32,870 --> 00:00:34,540
Miles happens to be British.
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00:00:34,570 --> 00:00:37,180
He also happens to be...
adopted.
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So this week we will
practice and perfect
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British accents.
And whosever is best
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will call him, posing
as his biological birth mother
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who he's never met,
and tell him some sort of
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00:00:49,820 --> 00:00:51,620
devastating secret.
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[percussive music]
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00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:56,520
Any questions?
- Mr. Griffin,
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00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,930
are you seriously never
gonna teach us biology at all?
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00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,370
- Sure, Sarika.
Maybe, uh,
30
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,340
Pablo Picasso can come in
and teach driver's ed.
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00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,400
Guys, I am a published
Harvard philosophy professor.
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I've no interest whatsoever
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00:01:07,770 --> 00:01:09,640
in teaching biology to you
people, okay?
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00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:12,340
So drop it. It's a pretty sweet
deal on the table--
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00:01:12,370 --> 00:01:13,840
play ball, get an A.
Come on, let's make this easy.
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00:01:13,870 --> 00:01:16,270
I'm just trying to cope
through a year in Toledo
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with its miserable
excuse for espresso.
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[mug pieces clattering]
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Put your hand down.
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00:01:21,650 --> 00:01:24,820
Next words I hear outta you
better be in a British accent.
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00:01:24,850 --> 00:01:26,880
- [British accent]
The bookstore at the mall
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has good espresso...
m'lord.
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- Hey, not bad!
Looks like Anthony's out
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to an early lead.
Nice.
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Let's open it up.
And remember...British.
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Female.
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Hurtful. Go.
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[overlapping chatter
with accents]
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- The mocha latte...
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00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,610
- I abandoned you in the loo.
- Okay, what is this class?
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00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,440
- * Next time
I'll listen to my heart *
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* Next time
well I'll be smart *
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ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
www.PSArips.com
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[dramatic classical music
playing]
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*
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00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:13,870
[leather squeaking]
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- [sighs]
Ahh...
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This is my sanctuary.
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00:02:19,770 --> 00:02:23,010
*
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00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,910
[soft dramatic sting]
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00:02:25,950 --> 00:02:27,020
- Wha--
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00:02:27,050 --> 00:02:28,350
[dramatic sting]
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00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:29,780
[double sting]
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00:02:29,820 --> 00:02:33,360
[upbeat edgy music]
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It's fine.
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Ah, it's fine.
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00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:39,830
[dramatic music]
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Nope.
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*
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00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:45,740
I was kicked
outta the bookstore.
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00:02:45,770 --> 00:02:48,440
Tried to explain to the manager
that their staff "pick"
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was feel-good soft-core
nonsense.
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Yeah, I happened to gesture
with my coffee hand,
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you know, splashed a couple
measly drops on the guy.
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00:02:55,540 --> 00:02:57,570
He starts throwing
the word scalded around--
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00:02:57,610 --> 00:02:59,070
"You've scalded me!"
Next thing I know,
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00:02:59,110 --> 00:03:01,710
this large-calfed tyrant
has his troop of baboons
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00:03:01,750 --> 00:03:03,320
forcibly eject me.
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00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,780
So...new plan.
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00:03:04,820 --> 00:03:06,790
British accents weren't exactly
taking off anyway.
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00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,920
We will now focus on taking
down the Miles display.
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00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,670
You will infiltrate the store
by getting jobs there
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00:03:12,690 --> 00:03:15,060
and changing the staff pick,
thereby giving me
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some semblance of sanctuary
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in this chili dump
of a town.
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00:03:19,030 --> 00:03:20,560
- Did Miles do something
to you?
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00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:21,800
Did he get you fired
from Harvard?
88
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,940
- No, Miles just has
this, um...
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00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:27,500
You know, he--he's like--
You know those people that--
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00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:29,710
He wears scarves.
Indoors, you know what I mean?
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00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:32,510
When he smiles it's like,
"Ehh..." You know?
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00:03:32,550 --> 00:03:33,950
You just wanna--
It's just ehh--
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00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,780
You know, he's like
one of those people.
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00:03:35,820 --> 00:03:37,490
Look, do I need to go on,
or are you guys getting this?
95
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:38,720
- Couldn't you just
find a sanctuary
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00:03:38,750 --> 00:03:40,420
in a different part
of the store?
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00:03:40,450 --> 00:03:41,680
That seems easier
than lashing out.
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00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,420
- Does everyone hear him
the way I do?
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00:03:43,460 --> 00:03:45,500
The grating tone?
That's gonna be fatal
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00:03:45,530 --> 00:03:46,700
in a job interview, bud.
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00:03:46,730 --> 00:03:49,370
- Mr. Griffin,
we can't get jobs.
102
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,640
- Yes, you can!
Look, it's easy.
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00:03:51,670 --> 00:03:53,640
Couple of you get in,
you flip the pic,
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00:03:53,670 --> 00:03:55,510
and then quit,
for all I care.
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00:03:55,540 --> 00:03:57,010
I mean, look,
it's a minimum wage job.
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00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:59,450
These things are designed
to be revolving door.
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00:03:59,470 --> 00:04:03,410
So...who here has ever been
on a job interview?
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00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:05,710
- Once my grandma asked me
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00:04:05,750 --> 00:04:08,450
to help her dig onions
in the yard.
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00:04:09,620 --> 00:04:11,120
- Okay. We're gonna need
some practice.
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00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:13,380
[phone rings]
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[ringing]
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[ringing]
114
00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:18,660
[ri--]
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00:04:19,590 --> 00:04:21,860
Hello?
- Hey, sorry to interrupt you.
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00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:25,870
It's, uh, Principal Durbin
from work.
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00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:27,740
I was hoping to see you
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00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:29,510
in my office
when you have a moment?
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00:04:29,540 --> 00:04:31,710
- How's now?
- How's--[laughs]
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00:04:31,740 --> 00:04:33,480
Well, you're teaching
a class.
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00:04:33,510 --> 00:04:34,510
You can't literally
mean now.
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00:04:34,540 --> 00:04:36,740
- I'm on my way.
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00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:38,480
- Well, you--
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00:04:38,510 --> 00:04:41,410
- Heather, I want you to
take over for me, okay?
125
00:04:41,450 --> 00:04:42,860
I want you to mock interview
all these people.
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00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,750
You guys are gonna do great.
Just need a little work.
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00:04:45,790 --> 00:04:47,830
It's gonna work.
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00:04:47,860 --> 00:04:50,630
- That's your signature scent.
She can't--
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00:04:50,660 --> 00:04:52,500
Ah--pffft! She can't
take that away from you.
130
00:04:52,530 --> 00:04:53,500
Now, scoot.
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00:04:53,530 --> 00:04:55,630
Sorry, the kids come first.
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00:04:55,660 --> 00:04:57,590
You're Jack, right?
- Yes.
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00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:00,130
- H.H. DeMarcus.
I go by Helen.
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00:05:00,170 --> 00:05:02,040
How was Harvard?
135
00:05:02,070 --> 00:05:03,840
- How was all of Harvard?
136
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,070
Uh...
137
00:05:05,110 --> 00:05:06,880
let's go with good.
138
00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:08,680
If Durbin's available now,
I'd love to just--
139
00:05:08,710 --> 00:05:10,880
- The annual bake sale
is coming up,
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00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,980
and all teachers have to
bring a baked good.
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00:05:13,010 --> 00:05:16,180
I do cream puffs,
and people love 'em a lot.
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00:05:16,220 --> 00:05:17,720
But the most important part
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00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:19,820
is that we're raisin' money
for the school.
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00:05:19,850 --> 00:05:22,180
And I'm gonna write down
"Raisin' Money"
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00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:23,790
as a good cookie name.
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00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:25,790
I write them down
when they come to me.
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00:05:25,830 --> 00:05:27,730
Now, you're getting off easy
because you're new,
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00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,690
so I'm just gonna give you
chocolate chip.
149
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,230
- I should have stopped you
so much earlier.
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00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:32,860
Why would I ever do that?
151
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,530
- To show us how much
Ram pride ya got!
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00:05:34,570 --> 00:05:35,710
- Oh, I see.
No, we're on the same page.
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00:05:35,740 --> 00:05:37,540
Put me down
as a definite no.
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00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:39,800
- You haven't gotten bitten
by the Ram yet.
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00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,800
- Guess not.
- Pam the Ram's comin' at ya.
156
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,110
Get ready!
- Oh, the ram's name is Pam?
157
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:46,210
All rams are male.
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00:05:46,250 --> 00:05:47,890
- Pam's a trans ram.
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00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,490
[light music]
160
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,090
- [whispers] Yeah.
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00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,990
Okay.
162
00:05:53,150 --> 00:05:55,550
- Jack comin' in!
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00:05:55,590 --> 00:05:57,600
[bluesy music]
164
00:05:57,630 --> 00:05:59,630
- [sighs] Time to
pay the piper, Jack.
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00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:02,590
- Wha--I love
whatever this is.
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00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:04,190
Is it something
from a movie?
167
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:06,560
- It's a Mercedes ad.
Print.
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00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,700
[engine revs]
"Never compromise."
169
00:06:08,740 --> 00:06:10,840
- Ah! Well, you are
nailin' it.
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00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,070
So I'm all ears.
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00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,750
- You gotta replace the school
sign that you wrecked, homeboy.
172
00:06:14,780 --> 00:06:17,150
Right? It was granite,
very intricate,
173
00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:19,120
very expensive work
on the ram.
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00:06:19,150 --> 00:06:23,960
Jack, this is on you,
and I never...
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00:06:23,980 --> 00:06:25,980
[click]
compromise.
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00:06:26,020 --> 00:06:27,990
- It's funny--I've been meaning
to bring this up myself.
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00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:31,250
See, my lawyers were asking
if the sign was far enough back
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00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:33,590
from the road,
legally speaking.
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00:06:33,630 --> 00:06:37,170
And my neck has--[laughs]
really been hurting.
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00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,140
You see, the thing is...
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00:06:39,170 --> 00:06:41,240
I also never compromise.
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00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:45,010
- And as...a man who does
not compromise,
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00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,140
I have to respect that.
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00:06:46,170 --> 00:06:48,170
And, um, I'm sure I can
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00:06:48,210 --> 00:06:50,280
trim some fat
from the budget
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00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,910
and maybe find some folks
who, unlike us,
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00:06:52,950 --> 00:06:56,150
are willing to compromise.
- Ah.
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00:06:56,180 --> 00:06:58,280
Ahh! Look alive,
Whitlock!
189
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,090
Durbin's on the warpath!
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00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,250
[door opens]
All right, class,
191
00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:04,060
I'm back, so start to shut...
192
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,590
up.
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00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:09,770
Hmm.
194
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,070
Heather, you, uh,
finish those job interviews?
195
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,130
Yeah?
Who'd ya hire?
196
00:07:16,170 --> 00:07:19,310
Somebody had a lotta great
references maybe, huh?
197
00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:21,650
Maybe the boss'
nephew.
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00:07:24,950 --> 00:07:27,120
Yeah.
199
00:07:27,150 --> 00:07:28,790
That's what I thought.
200
00:07:28,820 --> 00:07:31,090
[laughing]
These damn textbooks!
201
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,790
You should all take a page
from how cool Dan Decker is.
202
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:34,980
You're not gonna see him
203
00:07:35,020 --> 00:07:36,150
thumbing through
a biology textbook.
204
00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:37,900
- Nobody gave me one yet.
205
00:07:37,930 --> 00:07:40,700
- Nobody even gave him one.
How cool is that?
206
00:07:40,730 --> 00:07:42,130
You know what?
207
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:43,930
Line up with your books
over here. Come on.
208
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,360
Line up with your books,
let's go.
209
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,140
Now, you see all these
open windows?
210
00:07:47,170 --> 00:07:49,810
Aaaaanybody wanna guess
what happens next?
211
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,740
- Mr. Griffin,
we can't throw out our books.
212
00:07:51,770 --> 00:07:53,000
What about the AP test?
213
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,800
- Oh, can we not
throw out the books?
214
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,270
[book thuds]
Let's go.
215
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:58,350
Toss 'em, guys, toss 'em.
216
00:07:58,380 --> 00:08:01,590
[thudding, bushes rustling]
217
00:08:02,380 --> 00:08:04,810
Sarika Sarkar,
you gonna be okay?
218
00:08:04,850 --> 00:08:07,080
- Not without my book, no.
219
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,690
- Whaaaaah!
[thud]
220
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:11,990
- How'd you know?
- I didn't.
221
00:08:12,030 --> 00:08:14,130
I didn't--Hand to God,
I did not know.
222
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,060
Oh, man, I coulda really...
[laughing]
223
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,170
I coulda really hurt you.
224
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,240
Whoo! Oh, man.
225
00:08:19,270 --> 00:08:21,040
All right, I was gonna
start in on the interview prep,
226
00:08:21,070 --> 00:08:22,810
but I don't think
I can do it, man.
227
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,010
But I could get arrested
for something like that, dude.
228
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:26,910
[laughing]
229
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,770
- Coach. Coach Novak,
I need to, uh,
230
00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:32,640
talk to you
about the budget.
231
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,740
I need to you, uh...
232
00:08:34,780 --> 00:08:37,780
I need you to cut down
on field chalk.
233
00:08:37,820 --> 00:08:40,090
Can't be, you know,
touching that up every day.
234
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,380
[ahem] I'm not gonna
compromise.
235
00:08:42,420 --> 00:08:44,390
- I get it.
We're on the same team.
236
00:08:44,420 --> 00:08:45,790
- Bu--R-really?!
237
00:08:45,830 --> 00:08:47,270
- But while we're talkin'
budget,
238
00:08:47,290 --> 00:08:48,990
I need a new P.E. parachute.
239
00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:51,000
The old one got snagged
on a kid's belt buckle.
240
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:52,760
He got whipped
across the room,
241
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,000
and his buckle gutted
that chute like a trout.
242
00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,180
[engine revs]
- "Never compromise."
243
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,140
First off, I need to know
244
00:09:01,170 --> 00:09:02,970
when students
get whipped across the gym.
245
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:06,170
And secondly,
I'm in cutting mode, so--
246
00:09:06,210 --> 00:09:08,310
- Oh, I see. You headed
straight to P.E., huh?
247
00:09:08,350 --> 00:09:09,820
Bottom of the totem pole.
248
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:12,250
- Dick, I understand
how crucial P.E. is.
249
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,990
- You know what I do here?
I tire out the boys!
250
00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:17,120
You realize what a bunch
of hopped-up boys
251
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,070
who had full energy
would do to this school?
252
00:09:20,090 --> 00:09:22,290
- I'll get you
the parachute.
253
00:09:22,330 --> 00:09:24,800
Find a way to fix it.
254
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,360
[light music]
255
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,040
- If I didn't tire out
the boys,
256
00:09:28,070 --> 00:09:30,440
this school would be
rubble by lunch!
257
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,370
- Remember, people, this is
for the bookstore interview.
258
00:09:33,410 --> 00:09:35,280
Posture.
Eye contact.
259
00:09:35,310 --> 00:09:37,320
And if I get the sense
you're not really trying,
260
00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:38,840
you get an F.
261
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:42,960
- I like big books,
and I cannot lie.
262
00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:45,980
- I have a 4.125 GPA.
263
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:47,830
- Never talk about grades.
No one cares.
264
00:09:47,860 --> 00:09:49,930
They have no impact
on life.
265
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:50,800
Next!
266
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:52,350
And greatest weakness?
267
00:09:52,390 --> 00:09:54,160
- My neck.
- Very literal.
268
00:09:54,190 --> 00:09:58,030
- I couldn't even hold my head
up until I was five years old.
269
00:09:58,070 --> 00:09:59,440
- The only job I've ever had
270
00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:01,340
was babysitting
my little brother.
271
00:10:01,370 --> 00:10:03,080
- Look, you guys are trying
to make a good impression here,
272
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,830
so you're gonna have to
straight-up lie.
273
00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:07,000
If you don't, someone else
will, so it's fine.
274
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,900
It's called
holistic consequentialism:
275
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:11,340
the consequences are the same
either way, so...
276
00:10:11,380 --> 00:10:13,150
lying.
Go!
277
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,940
- My dad is author
Stephen King.
278
00:10:14,980 --> 00:10:16,950
- I have
a normal-strength neck.
279
00:10:16,980 --> 00:10:18,810
If I hear something
behind me,
280
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:20,850
I turn and look without effort.
281
00:10:20,890 --> 00:10:22,830
- Well, I hope you're all
inheriting money,
282
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:24,300
because you're completely
unhirable.
283
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:26,150
I have no choice but to
take a run at this myself,
284
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:30,130
.
285
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:30,690
- Now we don't have books?
286
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,810
We might lose
a whole academic year.
287
00:10:33,830 --> 00:10:35,900
- We have to do something.
- But what?
288
00:10:35,940 --> 00:10:37,310
He has all the power.
289
00:10:37,340 --> 00:10:39,140
- We should all show up
at his house,
290
00:10:39,170 --> 00:10:40,500
ambush him,
and refuse to leave
291
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,340
until he gives us
our books back.
292
00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:43,520
Who's in?
- I'm in.
293
00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:45,340
I wanna see
a professor's house.
294
00:10:45,380 --> 00:10:48,390
I bet it's like the library
from "Beauty and the Beast."
295
00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:50,290
- We should ask
Dan Decker.
296
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,260
He's scary,
but Mr. Griffin likes him.
297
00:10:58,990 --> 00:11:01,820
[light music]
298
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:03,960
*
299
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,070
- Where is that son of a...
300
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,510
[dishes clattering]
301
00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:12,080
- Jack, you are squeezing
that pen so hard.
302
00:11:12,110 --> 00:11:13,180
What are you working on?
303
00:11:13,210 --> 00:11:15,310
- Revenge.
- Oh ho ho ho.
304
00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:16,840
- [gruffly] "Revenge"!
- Somebody call Shonda!
305
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,850
[hoarsely] Revenge!
- Little too dramatic.
306
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:20,020
- "Shonda"...
307
00:11:20,050 --> 00:11:21,390
- There he is!
308
00:11:21,410 --> 00:11:23,350
- Oh, God, not now, Helen,
please.
309
00:11:23,380 --> 00:11:25,810
I-I'm working on a writing
project of great importance.
310
00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:28,120
- Exactly. You're a big
brainiac with these
311
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,930
big thoughts, and there's no
room in your head for cookies.
312
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,070
That's why I made it
even easier for ya.
313
00:11:33,090 --> 00:11:34,290
- You know,
314
00:11:34,330 --> 00:11:36,600
I'm not some absentminded
nutty professor
315
00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:39,140
who's baffled by baking.
I simply don't wanna do it.
316
00:11:39,170 --> 00:11:42,610
- "Nutty Professor" is the
perfect name for your cookies!
317
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,480
[cackles]
- That maniac doesn't care
318
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:46,130
about first impressions at all.
319
00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:49,040
- Okay. What?
Iron out your panties, Jack.
320
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,920
- Listen...
- Yes, Batman?
321
00:11:50,940 --> 00:11:53,110
- I do not bake cookies...
322
00:11:53,150 --> 00:11:54,520
and I will never waver
on that.
323
00:11:54,550 --> 00:11:57,360
- Look at his nostrils.
- Girl, they are flaring.
324
00:11:57,380 --> 00:11:58,410
- Has anyone seen my mug?
- Which one.
325
00:11:58,450 --> 00:11:59,850
- My Michelle mug.
326
00:11:59,890 --> 00:12:01,630
It's got my name on it,
Michelle?
327
00:12:01,650 --> 00:12:03,550
[rapid piano notes
over phone]
328
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:06,220
- Thank you for calling
Bartholemew's Bookstore.
329
00:12:06,260 --> 00:12:08,430
We appreciate your call.
330
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:11,590
[classical piano melody
continues]
331
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:14,000
*
332
00:12:14,030 --> 00:12:16,630
Miles: What is time?
Why are we here?
333
00:12:16,670 --> 00:12:18,240
I'm Miles Leonard...
- No.
334
00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:19,570
Representative!
- Philosopher
335
00:12:19,610 --> 00:12:21,210
and MacArthur Genius.
- Representative!
336
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,470
- "The Question IS
the Answer."
337
00:12:22,510 --> 00:12:24,650
- [groaning]
- What is time?
338
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,020
Why are we here?
- [laughing]
339
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:28,920
- I'm Miles Leonard,
philosopher
340
00:12:28,950 --> 00:12:30,920
and MacArthur Genius.
- [screaming] Representative!
341
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:32,550
- "The Question IS
the Answer."
342
00:12:32,590 --> 00:12:35,960
What is time?
Why are we here?
343
00:12:35,990 --> 00:12:37,660
I'm Miles Leonard,
Philosopher--
344
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,420
- Oh, shut up!
- My book, "The Question
345
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,020
IS the answer."
346
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:45,960
[lightly edgy music]
347
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,210
- [screaming]
Representative!
348
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,340
- Let's go around back.
349
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:53,070
- Hello? Bartholemew's.
Kyle speaking.
350
00:12:53,110 --> 00:12:55,010
- Hold on, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming!
351
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,100
- Hello?
352
00:12:56,940 --> 00:12:58,340
- What do you mean,
you don't get involved
353
00:12:58,380 --> 00:13:00,150
in regional staff pics?
What if Cliff
354
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:01,680
and his underlings
picked "Mein Kampf"?
355
00:13:01,710 --> 00:13:04,410
You've never heard--Well,
it's Adolf Hitler's manifesto.
356
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,310
You might wanna look it up.
357
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:08,620
"Mein" is spelled like
chow mein,
358
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,530
"Kampf" is spelled like camp.
but with a K,
359
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:11,960
and stick an F at the end.
360
00:13:11,990 --> 00:13:13,960
No, no, no, no, no,
do-do-don't--
361
00:13:13,990 --> 00:13:15,920
- What is time?
Why are we here?
362
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,490
I'm Miles Leonard.
- [grunts]
363
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:20,460
- We should leave.
This feels like an intrusion.
364
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,660
- Are you kidding?
We can use this.
365
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:25,270
- Ah!
- New plan. If this guy's
366
00:13:25,310 --> 00:13:27,410
gonna teach us,
we need to help him.
367
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,970
- We can't take advantage
of whatever...
368
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,240
this is.
369
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:34,120
[lightly edgy music]
370
00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:35,390
- Where are you going?
371
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:36,990
Stick with the plan.
He's vulnerable!
372
00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:40,730
You guys are wimps!
I should have brought girls.
373
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:45,090
.
374
00:13:45,130 --> 00:13:45,560
[school bell rings]
375
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:47,700
- Okay, here he comes.
376
00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:49,100
Everybody remember,
be gentle.
377
00:13:49,130 --> 00:13:50,340
This is a man on the edge.
378
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,490
- All right, everybody,
pipe down.
379
00:13:52,530 --> 00:13:54,960
This plan's
on life-support.
380
00:13:58,140 --> 00:13:59,510
Is this a Mormon school?
381
00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:01,410
- No, silly!
382
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,110
We're doing more interview
prep today, right, Sarika?
383
00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:06,170
- Yeah. I'm psyched about it.
384
00:14:06,210 --> 00:14:09,340
- [laughs]
- We made official resumes.
385
00:14:09,380 --> 00:14:11,980
- I watched "Working Girl"
last night.
386
00:14:12,020 --> 00:14:15,130
- Guys, this is a massive
improvement in attitude.
387
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,000
Ha.
- This is much more interesting
388
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:18,190
than biology.
389
00:14:18,230 --> 00:14:20,400
Thank you.
I-I hate knowledge.
390
00:14:20,430 --> 00:14:22,300
- Don't imply
that I hate knowledge,
391
00:14:22,330 --> 00:14:25,240
but, uh, yeah, why don't we
jump into some interview prep?
392
00:14:25,270 --> 00:14:28,710
Right off the bat, I am seeing
way too many bolo ties.
393
00:14:30,140 --> 00:14:31,440
[school bell rings]
[overlapping chatter]
394
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:33,000
- Durbin Outfitters!
395
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,170
- Durbin Outfitters!
- Hel-lo!
396
00:14:35,210 --> 00:14:37,280
- We heard you're
giving out money...
397
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,170
- No! Who told you that?
Is that what people are saying?
398
00:14:39,210 --> 00:14:41,510
- My kids need a monitor
for presentations.
399
00:14:41,550 --> 00:14:44,460
- Mine need a microphone
also for presentations.
400
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,410
- And my kids
need this technology
401
00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:48,550
where song lyrics pop up
at the bottom of the screen
402
00:14:48,590 --> 00:14:50,700
and there's like a waterfall
and a woman riding a horse.
403
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,150
- A-a karaoke machine?
404
00:14:52,190 --> 00:14:53,590
I can't buy you
a karaoke machine!
405
00:14:53,630 --> 00:14:55,200
I'm looking for cuts!
406
00:14:55,230 --> 00:14:58,170
- Come on, Durbs.
The staff karaoke machine
407
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,070
has been broken for
the last three semesters.
408
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,800
I know there's a song
in you.
409
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,280
- I do a pretty good...
410
00:15:05,310 --> 00:15:07,110
"Thriller," along with
the Vincent Price part.
411
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:08,240
[overlapping reactions]
- Yes!
412
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,320
- I knew it!
[all oohing]
413
00:15:11,340 --> 00:15:13,080
[overlapping chatter]
- Gotta do it--I love it!
414
00:15:13,110 --> 00:15:14,310
- All right.
415
00:15:14,350 --> 00:15:17,520
[chatter fading]
416
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,310
[clears throat]
417
00:15:19,350 --> 00:15:23,450
Oh, crud, I just bought
a karaoke machine.
418
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,360
[engine revs]
419
00:15:27,430 --> 00:15:28,530
[school bell rings]
420
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:32,590
- Oh, geez.
There's my sad little guy!
421
00:15:32,630 --> 00:15:33,830
Oh...
422
00:15:33,870 --> 00:15:36,270
Whooooh!
- Oh, my God, what is this?
423
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:38,230
What are you doing?
- Oh, I'm tapped into
424
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,600
your kids, Jack.
They told me what happened--
425
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,110
how you microwaved that
fast food taco with lettuce.
426
00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:45,340
- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
427
00:15:45,380 --> 00:15:47,290
The kids were at my house?
- Yeah.
428
00:15:47,310 --> 00:15:49,810
They saw you drinking
and practicing punching,
429
00:15:49,850 --> 00:15:52,290
and they were worried
you were having
430
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,430
some kinda breakdown, so they
wanted to do something for you.
431
00:15:54,450 --> 00:15:56,180
- That's the reason
they went along
432
00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:57,620
with everything I said
today--out of pity?
433
00:15:57,660 --> 00:15:59,230
- No. Ram pride!
434
00:15:59,260 --> 00:16:01,330
When one of our own
has their horns
435
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,760
stuck in that fence,
we're there
436
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,700
to pull 'em by the caboose,
and that is why
437
00:16:05,730 --> 00:16:07,460
you are off cookie duty.
438
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,430
Because you're just under
too much strain.
439
00:16:09,470 --> 00:16:12,110
- I'm under no strain
at all--my life is great, okay?
440
00:16:12,140 --> 00:16:14,110
And there is absolutely
nothing difficult
441
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,370
about baking cookies.
442
00:16:15,410 --> 00:16:17,680
- Sorry, pal,
because it's a no.
443
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,540
They would be blood cookies,
444
00:16:19,580 --> 00:16:21,350
paid for with your sanity.
445
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,810
- You're a ridiculous person.
I'm gonna go.
446
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,850
- [softly] Okay.
447
00:16:25,890 --> 00:16:28,530
I was pitied
by a pack of dweebs?
448
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:31,560
[lightly edgy music]
449
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:32,890
*
450
00:16:32,930 --> 00:16:36,130
Dan Decker. Are you part of
that dork recon team
451
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,390
that's peeping in my windows?
452
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:39,530
- No.
453
00:16:39,570 --> 00:16:42,570
No one really loops me in
on anything.
454
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,540
- You, uh...
[clears throat]
455
00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:51,920
always come out here
and eat lunch by yourself?
456
00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:53,780
Thought you'd be like
on a team
457
00:16:53,810 --> 00:16:56,110
or part of a bully crew
or something.
458
00:16:57,220 --> 00:17:00,560
Come on, man.
What's the deal?
459
00:17:00,590 --> 00:17:02,490
- I moved here from Florida
like a year ago,
460
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:06,150
and I'm kinda not that great
at making friends.
461
00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:08,490
Can't even talk to
the A.P. Bio kids.
462
00:17:09,630 --> 00:17:11,800
- Is that Heather from class
and the body of Wonder Woman?
463
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:12,860
- No, no.
464
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:14,440
It--
465
00:17:14,470 --> 00:17:16,170
- You just gotta give them
something they want.
466
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,430
You probably just have to
say the word "Dumbledore,"
467
00:17:18,470 --> 00:17:20,440
and they'd all high-five
each other and go nuts.
468
00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:23,510
But that's not really the path
I like for you anyway, man.
469
00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:25,810
I see you more as like
a lone wolf.
470
00:17:25,850 --> 00:17:28,950
I mean, sure, people try to
rope you into their bake sales,
471
00:17:28,980 --> 00:17:31,280
but...take it
from this guy.
472
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,390
The life of a lone wolf
can be pretty sweet.
473
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,580
- Dude, I don't wanna
be like you.
474
00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:37,220
Your life's a mess.
475
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,530
- My life's a mess?
476
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:50,810
.
477
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:51,410
[contemplative notes]
478
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,570
*
479
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,320
[upbeat percussive music]
480
00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:07,560
*
481
00:18:09,390 --> 00:18:12,860
- Hey, where do you think
you're going with that?
482
00:18:13,530 --> 00:18:14,900
Hey--hey!
483
00:18:14,930 --> 00:18:17,440
- * No good,
do no good *
484
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:19,230
* And, well, it's true
485
00:18:19,270 --> 00:18:21,840
* 'Cause they never do
what you want 'em to *
486
00:18:21,870 --> 00:18:25,980
* 'Cause people,
they're no good *
487
00:18:26,010 --> 00:18:30,550
* Oh, no, they're no good
at meetings *
488
00:18:30,580 --> 00:18:32,920
* When they come out to play
489
00:18:32,950 --> 00:18:36,350
* And they're no good
for bookings *
490
00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:39,550
* 'Cause we can't make 'em
stay, hey *
491
00:18:39,590 --> 00:18:42,530
[vociferating]
492
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:47,630
*
493
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,290
- This is a croquembouche.
494
00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:52,340
much like your cream puffs,
but more impressive.
495
00:18:52,370 --> 00:18:56,040
It is you who will have
the mental breakdown, Helen.
496
00:18:56,070 --> 00:18:59,340
This is a one-time exception.
Write down everything I say
497
00:18:59,370 --> 00:19:02,340
right now. First,
never dress like this again.
498
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:04,920
Second, I took down
the Miles cutout myself.
499
00:19:04,940 --> 00:19:07,340
I've been banned from
the bookstore for life,
500
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,910
but...that's okay.
501
00:19:08,950 --> 00:19:10,690
The only true sanctuary
I'll have in this town
502
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,860
is between these two ears
right here.
503
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:16,330
Third, and finally,
never pity me.
504
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,860
Did any of you go to Harvard?
505
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:20,620
Have any of you slept with
24 women?
506
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,530
What you saw when you
trespassed on my property
507
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:24,630
was a man who eats
what he wants,
508
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:25,760
drinks what he wants,
509
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,910
wears...what he wants.
510
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:31,740
It is a lifestyle most high
school kids would kill for.
511
00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:34,840
It's sad to me
that you can't see that.
512
00:19:34,870 --> 00:19:36,870
The only embarrassing
part of my day
513
00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:40,520
is the 55 minutes
I have to spend here.
514
00:19:40,550 --> 00:19:43,660
[light quirky music]
515
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,550
*
516
00:19:45,590 --> 00:19:47,790
One more thing, though.
517
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,890
Does anyone have anything
to say about
518
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:51,950
Dumbledore?
519
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:55,490
- Well, actually...
- Dumbledore was clearly...
520
00:19:55,530 --> 00:19:57,670
[overlapping comments]
521
00:19:57,700 --> 00:19:59,400
- Pipe down! Stop!
522
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:01,060
Stop. Pipe down, pipe down.
523
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,800
One at a time.
Let's start with...Dan.
524
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,810
You have the floor.
525
00:20:13,450 --> 00:20:14,420
[click]
526
00:20:14,450 --> 00:20:15,820
[lightly edgy music]
527
00:20:15,850 --> 00:20:17,960
- If you're so embarrassed
to teach this class,
528
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:19,610
Miles is probably
the last person
529
00:20:19,650 --> 00:20:21,080
you want getting that
picture.
530
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:24,790
He won't, if you give
the bio textbooks back.
531
00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:29,030
Like you said:
Give them what they want.
532
00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:32,560
*
533
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,870
- Ha.
534
00:20:35,870 --> 00:20:38,680
One chapter.
Of my choosing.
535
00:20:38,710 --> 00:20:40,680
From the middle of the book.
536
00:20:40,710 --> 00:20:41,810
- All right, Dan!
- Way to go, Dan!
537
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,770
- Yeah, Dan!
- All right, Dan.
538
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:47,950
- [crunch]
539
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,580
- You're rooted.
You're rooted, okay?
540
00:20:50,620 --> 00:20:53,460
No compromise.
[clears throat]
541
00:20:53,490 --> 00:20:56,390
Hey, Jack,
I am done compromising.
542
00:20:56,420 --> 00:20:58,850
Now, we have blown
way past the sign on this one.
543
00:20:58,890 --> 00:21:00,990
Your class's lab equipment
is due to be upgraded,
544
00:21:01,030 --> 00:21:02,970
but you're just gonna
have to do without.
545
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,140
- Sounds good.
- Sounds g--Really?
546
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,660
You can do that, and you're not
gonna shortchange the students?
547
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,800
- Won't affect the lesson
plan at all.
548
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:14,010
*
549
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,500
- [laughs]
550
00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:17,440
[muttering]
551
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:19,850
[ahem]
Never compromise.
40012
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