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1
00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:01,807
(Woman sobbing)
2
00:00:04,385 --> 00:00:08,264
Don't cry. I'm sorry,
I didn't mean it. You're not fat.
3
00:00:08,305 --> 00:00:10,102
Or stupid.
4
00:00:10,145 --> 00:00:13,820
I got carried away.
You're not ugly or boring.
5
00:00:13,865 --> 00:00:15,742
You've got loads of hair.
6
00:00:15,785 --> 00:00:17,776
I'm sorry, I was angry.
7
00:00:17,825 --> 00:00:20,419
Course you've got a neck and ankles.
8
00:00:21,985 --> 00:00:25,500
Evil - it's just a word,
it doesn't mean anything.
9
00:00:25,545 --> 00:00:29,936
Words just fall out of my mouth
like ''you'', ''local'', ''bike''.
10
00:00:29,985 --> 00:00:32,783
- It's the heat of the moment.
- (Sobbing)
11
00:00:32,825 --> 00:00:36,420
I've seen a bag of spanners -
you're much prettier.
12
00:00:36,465 --> 00:00:39,502
That's not a moustache,
just nasal shadow.
13
00:00:39,545 --> 00:00:44,300
You mustn't take me so seriously -
you don't belong in a circus!
14
00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:48,179
And after all, you've got
to ask yourself - what do I know?
15
00:00:48,225 --> 00:00:51,342
- (Sobbing)
- I'm just a health visitor.
16
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,660
So, where is the little fella?
17
00:00:55,465 --> 00:00:57,456
Ow!
18
00:01:01,025 --> 00:01:03,016
(Phone )
19
00:01:03,065 --> 00:01:05,135
Phone!
20
00:01:08,785 --> 00:01:12,744
- Phone's ringing!
- I'm busy! You get it!
21
00:01:12,785 --> 00:01:15,743
I can't, it's on...
it's on the balcony!
22
00:01:17,265 --> 00:01:19,460
(Breathing nervously)
23
00:01:20,505 --> 00:01:22,496
You still got vertigo?
24
00:01:22,545 --> 00:01:24,536
You've had that for weeks.
25
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,455
Hello?
26
00:01:30,505 --> 00:01:32,700
Hello? Oh.
27
00:01:33,705 --> 00:01:36,060
I don't think so. I'll check.
28
00:01:36,105 --> 00:01:37,618
Mandy!
29
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:39,621
Phone for you!
30
00:01:40,665 --> 00:01:42,257
Mandy!
31
00:01:43,265 --> 00:01:44,698
Mandy!
32
00:01:45,745 --> 00:01:47,781
No, I don't know where she is.
33
00:01:47,825 --> 00:01:49,816
I'm Vince, I live here.
34
00:01:50,865 --> 00:01:54,380
- Errol, is there a Mandy living here?
- No.
35
00:01:54,425 --> 00:01:58,577
What does she look like?
No, definitely not.
36
00:01:58,625 --> 00:02:01,822
Yeah, looks like
you have dialled the wrong...
37
00:02:01,865 --> 00:02:04,015
Whoa, whoa. I'm wasting your time?
38
00:02:04,065 --> 00:02:07,614
I've had to walk from
the other end of my flat.
39
00:02:07,665 --> 00:02:11,897
I'm a very busy man. I was halfway
through a sheet of bubble wrap.
40
00:02:11,945 --> 00:02:15,779
But I have to drop everything
cos some chubby-fingered idiot like you
41
00:02:15,825 --> 00:02:18,214
can't press buttons with numbers on.
42
00:02:20,145 --> 00:02:22,864
- Vince, can you bring the phone back in?
- What?
43
00:02:24,385 --> 00:02:27,741
Vince, can you...
Can you bring the phone back in, please?
44
00:02:27,785 --> 00:02:31,414
Oh, I've done it...
I'm a bit busy, I'll do it later.
45
00:02:31,465 --> 00:02:34,343
- Who was it?
- Friend of Mandy's.
46
00:02:34,385 --> 00:02:36,376
Bit harsh.
47
00:02:40,425 --> 00:02:44,338
- What?
- I thought that was a bit harsh.
48
00:02:44,385 --> 00:02:47,900
- He was wasting my time.
- Yeah, but it was a mistake.
49
00:02:47,945 --> 00:02:51,255
- Yeah, I know!
- He didn't mean it.
50
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,784
Exactly!
51
00:02:52,825 --> 00:02:56,818
Yeah, but if he rang for Mandy
a-and Mandy doesn't live here
52
00:02:56,865 --> 00:02:59,663
and then y-you answered
and was annoyed
53
00:02:59,705 --> 00:03:04,142
- and then he-he obviously didn't...
- You're getting confused.
54
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:07,621
Let me explain it
in the way of, like, a metaphor.
55
00:03:07,665 --> 00:03:11,419
There's a bloke, living in a tower block
getting on with his life,
56
00:03:11,465 --> 00:03:13,296
bit of bubble wrap.
57
00:03:13,345 --> 00:03:15,905
Another bloke, he's trying
to get in touch with Mandy.
58
00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:20,973
Now, anyone can see, that's a recipe for -
pow! - disaster. You see now?
59
00:03:21,025 --> 00:03:22,504
Yeah.
60
00:03:27,545 --> 00:03:30,901
Five! One, two, three, four, five.
61
00:03:30,945 --> 00:03:34,221
Treatment card. What's it say?
62
00:03:34,265 --> 00:03:38,543
''You have been sectioned
at a maximum security psychiatric hospital.
63
00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:41,702
''Miss two goes.'' (Nerdy laugh)
64
00:03:44,585 --> 00:03:46,860
(Coughs ) One, two, three.
65
00:03:46,905 --> 00:03:48,896
(Groaning)
66
00:03:49,945 --> 00:03:53,733
D'oh! ''You've been caught dressed up
as your mother again.
67
00:03:53,785 --> 00:03:56,174
''Request for laxatives denied!''
68
00:03:57,065 --> 00:03:59,420
My go again! (Nerdy laugh)
69
00:04:00,785 --> 00:04:03,777
Four. One, two, three, four.
70
00:04:06,145 --> 00:04:08,943
''You've beaten a manic-depressive
at table tennis.''
71
00:04:08,985 --> 00:04:10,816
Yes!
72
00:04:10,865 --> 00:04:13,254
- ''Collect two fags.''
- Oh, yes!
73
00:04:13,305 --> 00:04:15,899
? Good King Wenceslas looked out
74
00:04:15,945 --> 00:04:18,220
? On the feast of Stephen
75
00:04:18,265 --> 00:04:20,256
? And I was the winner ?
76
00:04:20,305 --> 00:04:22,819
(Grunting to tune )
77
00:04:22,865 --> 00:04:24,059
Oh...
78
00:04:24,105 --> 00:04:26,380
Come on...
79
00:04:26,425 --> 00:04:28,143
Six! Yes!
80
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:31,382
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Treatment card.
81
00:04:31,425 --> 00:04:33,097
What's it say?!
82
00:04:34,585 --> 00:04:39,340
''Your medication is being reduced.
You are allowed to wear a belt.''
83
00:04:39,385 --> 00:04:42,183
Yes! They said I was mad!
84
00:04:44,825 --> 00:04:49,740
Five. One, two, three, four, five.
Treatment card. What's it say?
85
00:04:51,585 --> 00:04:54,338
- Tea.
- I haven't got time to drink tea.
86
00:04:55,385 --> 00:04:57,376
I'm snowed under.
87
00:04:58,545 --> 00:05:01,343
Do I look like
I've got time to drink tea?
88
00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:04,616
I don't know. I just thought you might like
a nice cup of tea.
89
00:05:05,865 --> 00:05:08,504
- You havin' a go?
- No.
90
00:05:09,625 --> 00:05:12,856
What d'you think? Black or white?
91
00:05:12,905 --> 00:05:14,941
- Not now.
- Sorry.
92
00:05:15,985 --> 00:05:18,374
- Busy day, then?
- (Sighs )
93
00:05:18,425 --> 00:05:22,418
It's ridiculous. I don't know
how I'm gonna get it all done.
94
00:05:22,465 --> 00:05:25,662
I've gotta post two letters.
Not one - two!
95
00:05:25,705 --> 00:05:28,777
Yeah? Buy some vitamins,
get a paper...
96
00:05:28,825 --> 00:05:31,214
and get my holiday snaps developed.
97
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:34,177
- When did you go on holiday?
- Couple of years ago,
98
00:05:34,225 --> 00:05:36,978
I just haven't had a chance
to get 'em done.
99
00:05:37,025 --> 00:05:40,540
- Also I've got to watch the rest of Catchphrase.
- It was brilliant!
100
00:05:40,585 --> 00:05:45,978
The picture was a bird, it was 4:30
in the morning and there's a worm...
101
00:05:46,025 --> 00:05:47,902
Early bird catches the worm!
102
00:05:48,905 --> 00:05:52,420
- Yeah, that's right.
- But what did the bloke say?
103
00:05:52,465 --> 00:05:55,059
He got it right as well.
104
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:58,414
Won't bother watching that, then.
105
00:05:58,465 --> 00:06:00,456
Anyway, I like being busy.
106
00:06:00,505 --> 00:06:02,541
I love sending letters.
107
00:06:02,585 --> 00:06:05,497
What's enjoyable
about posting a letter?
108
00:06:05,545 --> 00:06:09,584
Fair enough, when you're five, it's a treat -
push it through the big red mouth.
109
00:06:09,625 --> 00:06:13,618
- But that soon wears off.
- Think who you're sending it to
110
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,895
and their smile when they open it.
111
00:06:16,945 --> 00:06:19,334
(Thinks) ''Dear Jimmy Somerville.
112
00:06:19,385 --> 00:06:22,024
''How long is it since you had a hit?
Ten years?
113
00:06:22,065 --> 00:06:26,138
''Why don't you give up,
if you haven't already? ByeI''
114
00:06:27,665 --> 00:06:29,462
''Dear Emlyn Hughes.
115
00:06:29,505 --> 00:06:30,540
''Busy?''
116
00:06:45,225 --> 00:06:46,897
(Bell dings )
117
00:06:52,185 --> 00:06:53,743
Errol?.
118
00:06:54,425 --> 00:06:56,620
Oh, sorry,
I thought you were someone else.
119
00:06:57,665 --> 00:06:59,462
Cos...cos of the trainers.
120
00:07:00,945 --> 00:07:05,382
I'd better go, got to get this...ooh.
Sorry, I'll get out your way.
121
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,417
Please, go, I've only got one left!
122
00:07:08,465 --> 00:07:10,740
No, with the new ones you get five.
123
00:07:11,905 --> 00:07:14,465
Oh, it's an old one -
you only get four.
124
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,980
(Tapping film on table )
125
00:07:20,025 --> 00:07:22,300
- C'n 'elp you?
- Pardon?
126
00:07:22,345 --> 00:07:25,860
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I wanna get these developed.
127
00:07:25,905 --> 00:07:29,500
D'you want one hour, two... (Mumbles )
128
00:07:29,545 --> 00:07:31,581
What was the third one, again?
129
00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,661
(Mumbles )
130
00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:37,139
I'll try that one, might be fun.
131
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:40,500
(Sighs ) Four-twenty.
132
00:07:40,545 --> 00:07:42,536
Four pounds twenty pence?
133
00:07:42,585 --> 00:07:44,064
Yeah!
134
00:07:44,105 --> 00:07:46,573
- There you go.
- (Sighs )
135
00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:52,343
So, er, when do I pick them up?
136
00:07:52,385 --> 00:07:55,183
Come back... (Mumbles )
137
00:07:56,225 --> 00:08:00,104
- Tomorrow?
- No, come back... (Mumbles )
138
00:08:00,145 --> 00:08:03,342
- Next week?
- Come back... (Mumbles )
139
00:08:03,385 --> 00:08:07,298
- Could you write it down, actually?
- (Tuts )
140
00:08:10,785 --> 00:08:12,980
Could you print it?
141
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,942
- Oh, this afternoon!
- You deaf or something?!
142
00:08:18,985 --> 00:08:21,783
- Do you know who I am?
- No.
143
00:08:21,825 --> 00:08:25,056
I'm a plain-clothes customer relations officer.
Do you know what that means?
144
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,333
No.
145
00:08:26,385 --> 00:08:29,058
I'm the chief snooper for Flashysnaps. Oh, yeah.
146
00:08:29,105 --> 00:08:31,824
You were favourite for
Employee of the Month
147
00:08:31,865 --> 00:08:35,335
but when you collect the award
you've got to make a speech
148
00:08:35,385 --> 00:08:37,899
and frankly, Miss...Redknapp,
149
00:08:37,945 --> 00:08:40,334
I don't think you're up to it.
150
00:08:48,185 --> 00:08:50,176
Well done.
151
00:08:59,945 --> 00:09:01,936
(Slurps )
152
00:09:03,065 --> 00:09:04,657
(Grunts )
153
00:09:04,705 --> 00:09:06,582
(Exhales )
154
00:09:09,585 --> 00:09:13,976
Come on, baby, come on, baby.
I need a five, I'm on day release.
155
00:09:14,825 --> 00:09:16,577
(Laughs ) Two!
156
00:09:16,625 --> 00:09:18,775
(Groans )
157
00:09:18,825 --> 00:09:21,020
(Moronic laughter)
158
00:09:22,505 --> 00:09:24,302
Treatment card.
159
00:09:24,345 --> 00:09:26,336
(Snorting)
160
00:09:28,425 --> 00:09:30,655
(Manic laughter)
161
00:09:35,065 --> 00:09:37,056
(Electricity crackling)
162
00:09:39,385 --> 00:09:41,376
(Moronic laughter)
163
00:09:49,745 --> 00:09:52,134
So, where you been then, Vince?
164
00:09:52,185 --> 00:09:54,301
- Library?
- No.
165
00:09:54,345 --> 00:09:56,381
Oh, course, no books.
166
00:09:57,425 --> 00:09:59,416
- Snooker?
- No.
167
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:02,104
- Am I warm?
- No.
168
00:10:03,265 --> 00:10:05,301
You've been...
169
00:10:06,345 --> 00:10:09,143
selling your liver
to a rich Arab prince?
170
00:10:09,185 --> 00:10:10,584
No.
171
00:10:10,625 --> 00:10:13,093
Silly me, you've only got one liver.
172
00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:16,262
- Been to a gallery?
- (Sighs )
173
00:10:16,305 --> 00:10:18,739
No. Art's rubbish, innit?
174
00:10:19,865 --> 00:10:21,856
- Sketchley's?
- No.
175
00:10:21,905 --> 00:10:23,702
- Kent?
- No.
176
00:10:23,745 --> 00:10:25,337
Rowing?
177
00:10:25,385 --> 00:10:27,376
Screwing?
178
00:10:30,265 --> 00:10:34,463
Right, here we are.
This is us getting on the plane.
179
00:10:34,505 --> 00:10:36,575
- Remember that?
- Oh, yeah!
180
00:10:36,625 --> 00:10:40,903
- That's the hotel.
- It was right on the beach.
181
00:10:40,945 --> 00:10:43,254
Yeah. There's our room.
182
00:10:43,305 --> 00:10:47,776
This is the view from our room, only you can't
see it properly cos they censored it.
183
00:10:47,825 --> 00:10:51,500
- He'd only just got up.
- Morning glory. (Grunts )
184
00:10:51,545 --> 00:10:54,059
(Both laugh)
185
00:10:54,105 --> 00:10:56,096
This is the pool at night...
186
00:10:56,145 --> 00:10:59,262
They censored that as well -
I was only having having a bit of fun.
187
00:11:00,225 --> 00:11:03,342
You both look good with a tan. (Chuckles )
188
00:11:03,385 --> 00:11:04,864
Thanks.
189
00:11:04,905 --> 00:11:08,102
- This is the hire car.
- What you can see of it.
190
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:10,864
(Woman ) The bonnet got very hot.
191
00:11:10,905 --> 00:11:15,342
Oh, this is a really nice couple
we met - Pete and Sue.
192
00:11:15,385 --> 00:11:18,502
From Gloucester.
193
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:21,218
I've seen them in the magazines.
194
00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:23,096
Oh, here they are again.
195
00:11:23,145 --> 00:11:27,297
Difficult to tell - according to Flashysnaps
they were performing an...
196
00:11:27,345 --> 00:11:29,256
(Both) Unnatural act.
197
00:11:29,305 --> 00:11:33,583
- (Tuts )
- I do love an all-over tan. (Laughs )
198
00:11:33,625 --> 00:11:38,301
Ooh, and this picture
is a little slice of history
199
00:11:38,345 --> 00:11:44,136
because until this picture was taken
that ground was considered sacred.
200
00:11:44,185 --> 00:11:45,823
(Chuckling)
201
00:11:45,865 --> 00:11:48,937
Right...shall we?
202
00:11:48,985 --> 00:11:51,260
(Giggling)
203
00:11:53,745 --> 00:11:55,736
(Laughing)
204
00:11:57,345 --> 00:11:59,222
Anyone phoned
since that wrong number?
205
00:11:59,265 --> 00:12:01,256
- No.
- Better do 1471.
206
00:12:07,745 --> 00:12:09,258
Hello?
207
00:12:09,305 --> 00:12:11,819
Yeah, is...is Mandy there?
208
00:12:13,145 --> 00:12:16,660
No, this isn't a wrong number.
I meant to phone you.
209
00:12:16,705 --> 00:12:19,344
Well, I was busy when you phoned me.
210
00:12:19,385 --> 00:12:21,421
Anyway, is she there?
211
00:12:22,465 --> 00:12:27,095
I know she doesn't live there. She doesn't here
but that didn't stop you pestering me.
212
00:12:27,145 --> 00:12:30,182
- (Toilet flushes )
- Is there someone in the toilet?
213
00:12:30,225 --> 00:12:33,262
- Yeah. Sergeant Hamilton.
- What?
214
00:12:33,305 --> 00:12:36,934
Can I call you later? Yeah.
What time d'you go to bed?
215
00:12:36,985 --> 00:12:38,976
He's been waiting for you.
216
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:41,016
Why didn't you say?
217
00:12:41,065 --> 00:12:43,943
You really should
leave that bloke alone.
218
00:12:43,985 --> 00:12:47,500
- I'm the innocent one.
- Innocent of what, Mr Clark?
219
00:12:47,545 --> 00:12:49,854
- Nothing!
- Innocent of nothing?
220
00:12:49,905 --> 00:12:51,861
Are you guilty of everything?
221
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,861
- I'm not guilty.
- Of what?
222
00:12:53,905 --> 00:12:55,623
I don't know.
223
00:12:55,665 --> 00:12:59,214
You're not guilty of something
you don't know about?
224
00:12:59,265 --> 00:13:02,621
No, I'm saying I don't know
what I'm not guilty of.
225
00:13:02,665 --> 00:13:04,815
That's my job - to find out.
226
00:13:04,865 --> 00:13:07,663
Do you mind if I put some music on?
227
00:13:09,545 --> 00:13:11,536
Look, what's this all about?
228
00:13:11,585 --> 00:13:13,621
Are these your photographs?
229
00:13:14,745 --> 00:13:18,294
Oh! That's the service
she was going on about.
230
00:13:18,345 --> 00:13:20,256
(Mumbles )
231
00:13:20,305 --> 00:13:23,661
Your photos delivered in fancy dress.
Nice one.
232
00:13:23,705 --> 00:13:27,698
You may have noticed
that one of the photos is missing.
233
00:13:27,745 --> 00:13:33,820
This one. A very clear photograph
of you holding a dead swan.
234
00:13:33,865 --> 00:13:37,221
- That came out well...
- ( Thrash metal)
235
00:13:37,265 --> 00:13:41,053
DID YOU KILL THIS SWAN, MR CLARK?!
236
00:13:41,105 --> 00:13:42,697
WHAT?!
237
00:13:42,745 --> 00:13:46,374
DID YOU KILL THIS SWAN?!
238
00:13:47,425 --> 00:13:51,976
NO! I DID NOT KILL THAT SWAN!
239
00:13:52,025 --> 00:13:56,894
I THINK YOU'VE GOT
SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!
240
00:13:56,945 --> 00:14:00,824
ARE YOU A REAL POLICEMAN?!
241
00:14:00,865 --> 00:14:04,335
- YEAH!
- HOLD ON!
242
00:14:06,505 --> 00:14:10,464
Errol! Turn that music down!
243
00:14:10,505 --> 00:14:12,496
(Music continues )
244
00:14:15,305 --> 00:14:17,296
- (Music stops )
- (Errol) Sorry!
245
00:14:18,865 --> 00:14:23,495
I hope you realise, Mr Clark,
that killing a swan is a serious offence.
246
00:14:23,545 --> 00:14:25,342
I didn't kill it!
247
00:14:25,385 --> 00:14:27,740
Then why are you holding it up as a trophy?
248
00:14:27,785 --> 00:14:31,300
I was moving it.
I was about to put it in the bin
249
00:14:31,345 --> 00:14:33,813
when my ex-girlfriend took a photograph.
250
00:14:33,865 --> 00:14:36,698
I mean, have a look
at the picture, right?
251
00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:39,384
Forget the swan, the swan's not there.
252
00:14:39,425 --> 00:14:42,098
Concentrate on the expression
on my face.
253
00:14:42,145 --> 00:14:44,136
That is not the face of a killer.
254
00:14:44,185 --> 00:14:47,063
No, you're laughing your head off.
255
00:14:47,105 --> 00:14:48,902
It was quite funny, actually,
256
00:14:48,945 --> 00:14:52,779
as she was taking the photo
the other swan was behind her,
257
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:57,740
she didn't realise,
it was about to attack her. It was hilarious.
258
00:14:57,785 --> 00:14:59,343
Broke her arm.
259
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,856
It wasn't that funny.
260
00:15:02,905 --> 00:15:05,294
If you didn't kill the swan, who did?
261
00:15:05,345 --> 00:15:08,064
No one, it flew into a tree.
262
00:15:08,105 --> 00:15:11,142
Swans don't fly into trees!
263
00:15:11,185 --> 00:15:13,141
Some do.
264
00:15:14,185 --> 00:15:17,655
- Cup of tea? Coffee? Squash?
- No, thanks.
265
00:15:17,705 --> 00:15:20,663
You'll have to accompany me
to the station.
266
00:15:20,705 --> 00:15:23,173
- Why?
- Milk? Apple juice?
267
00:15:23,225 --> 00:15:27,537
No, I'm fine. On suspicion of
killing one of Her Majesty's swans.
268
00:15:27,585 --> 00:15:30,258
- Was it one of hers?
- They all are!
269
00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:32,455
Lemonade. I've got Nesquik...
270
00:15:32,505 --> 00:15:36,498
Perhaps something stronger,
like a sherry? Or a Guinness?
271
00:15:36,545 --> 00:15:38,024
No.
272
00:15:38,065 --> 00:15:40,056
I do not want anything...
273
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:41,823
to drink.
274
00:15:42,865 --> 00:15:46,335
Toast? Ice cream? Falafel?.
275
00:15:46,385 --> 00:15:48,979
Or eat.
276
00:15:49,025 --> 00:15:51,016
(Woman screaming, banging)
277
00:15:52,065 --> 00:15:54,260
(Man ) Oh! Yeah, yeah!
278
00:16:01,105 --> 00:16:04,700
- What's he in for?
- Killing a swan.
279
00:16:04,745 --> 00:16:06,736
What'd he do?
280
00:16:08,665 --> 00:16:10,656
He killed a swan.
281
00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:14,857
Oh, I thought it was, like,
you know, chasing the dragon or...
282
00:16:15,905 --> 00:16:17,543
No.
283
00:16:18,585 --> 00:16:21,053
What's your favourite crime, Sarge?
284
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:23,096
I like a good murder.
285
00:16:23,145 --> 00:16:28,139
Or something light-hearted like...
a siege in a bra factory.
286
00:16:30,065 --> 00:16:32,021
What about you?
287
00:16:33,065 --> 00:16:35,056
Criminal damage.
288
00:16:44,625 --> 00:16:46,775
You have two choices -
289
00:16:46,825 --> 00:16:51,580
you go to court on a cruelty charge,
you lose, you get six months.
290
00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:53,502
What? Six months what?
291
00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:55,661
- Prison.
- For a swan?!
292
00:16:55,705 --> 00:16:59,698
Or you plea bargain
against an old legal loophole
293
00:16:59,745 --> 00:17:02,100
dating back to 1586 -
294
00:17:02,145 --> 00:17:05,137
reckless conduct likely to, er,
295
00:17:05,185 --> 00:17:09,383
harm or destroy
Her Majesty's wildfowl...
296
00:17:09,425 --> 00:17:12,064
punishable by half a day in the stocks.
297
00:17:12,105 --> 00:17:14,414
But...I didn't do it.
298
00:17:14,465 --> 00:17:18,424
I've seen the picture.
Do you want six months or half a day?
299
00:17:18,465 --> 00:17:21,457
- I didn't do it!
- Look at the photo.
300
00:17:21,505 --> 00:17:25,293
You are laughing your head off
and holding a dead swan.
301
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:28,143
- Any idiot can see what you've been doing.
- I know, I know.
302
00:17:28,185 --> 00:17:30,745
It looks bad. It looks very bad.
303
00:17:30,785 --> 00:17:33,345
Do you want half a day or six months?
304
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,615
But I was putting it in the bin...
305
00:17:35,665 --> 00:17:37,735
Half a day or six months?
306
00:17:37,785 --> 00:17:40,857
I was just trying
to tidy up the river bank...
307
00:17:40,905 --> 00:17:42,861
All right, six months.
308
00:17:42,905 --> 00:17:45,942
- (Sighs )
- Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on...
309
00:17:45,985 --> 00:17:47,862
(Muttering)
310
00:17:51,785 --> 00:17:53,980
- (Woman wailing)
- (Banging)
311
00:17:54,025 --> 00:17:56,255
(Man ) Yes! Yes! Whoa!
312
00:17:56,305 --> 00:17:58,694
(Woman screaming, man moaning)
313
00:18:03,945 --> 00:18:06,823
- Errol, I need the phone.
- I won't be long.
314
00:18:06,865 --> 00:18:10,096
- This is an emergency.
- Shh, it's ringing!
315
00:18:10,145 --> 00:18:14,058
Hello, are you the lady
who's been looking for her cat?
316
00:18:14,105 --> 00:18:17,142
Yeah, I saw your poster,
black cat with a white spot.
317
00:18:17,185 --> 00:18:19,904
Mr Chuffington? Yeah...
318
00:18:19,945 --> 00:18:22,698
Hello? Yeah, I saw your cat as well.
319
00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:27,865
About half an hour ago, it was ingrained
in the tread of an Eddie Stobart lorry.
320
00:18:27,905 --> 00:18:30,897
I don't know if it was dead,
it was going round too fast.
321
00:18:30,945 --> 00:18:33,300
Treat yourself to a new one.
322
00:18:33,345 --> 00:18:35,142
Why'd you do that?
323
00:18:35,185 --> 00:18:38,143
Sorry, I've got to phone my ex-girlfriend.
324
00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:39,777
(Ringing)
325
00:18:39,825 --> 00:18:41,224
Hello.
326
00:18:41,265 --> 00:18:43,256
Hi, Jill, Vince here.
327
00:18:45,105 --> 00:18:47,619
- Hello?
- What do you want?
328
00:18:47,665 --> 00:18:50,304
How are you?
Still working for that jeweller?
329
00:18:50,345 --> 00:18:52,142
What do you want?
330
00:18:52,185 --> 00:18:57,259
Remember we went camping and we had
that bit of bother with the swans? Sorry.
331
00:18:57,305 --> 00:19:00,854
I'm having the pins
taken out of my arm in 2003.
332
00:19:00,905 --> 00:19:02,543
Sorry.
333
00:19:02,585 --> 00:19:06,976
The police think I'm lying
about that swan committing suicide.
334
00:19:07,025 --> 00:19:11,303
They think I killed it.
I was wondering if you'd be my witness.
335
00:19:11,345 --> 00:19:14,143
- No.
- But I'm gonna be publicly humiliated.
336
00:19:14,185 --> 00:19:17,063
You can still be put in the stocks for it.
337
00:19:17,105 --> 00:19:18,902
- No!
- Yeah.
338
00:19:18,945 --> 00:19:20,344
- When?
- Saturday.
339
00:19:20,385 --> 00:19:23,263
- Do you need tickets?
- Dunno.
340
00:19:23,305 --> 00:19:26,058
Carol, Geri,
what are you doing Saturday?
341
00:19:26,105 --> 00:19:28,175
You're not gonna help, are you?
342
00:19:31,225 --> 00:19:35,104
- Did you kill that swan?
- No! I wouldn't go near one.
343
00:19:35,145 --> 00:19:36,942
They're terrifying.
344
00:19:36,985 --> 00:19:40,102
You should've seen
the mess the other one made of Jill.
345
00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:42,295
She had a web mark on her forehead.
346
00:19:42,345 --> 00:19:46,133
If I hadn't belted it
with a frying pan she'd be dead now.
347
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,574
What happened to that one?
348
00:19:48,625 --> 00:19:51,583
I killed it. Vicious bastard.
349
00:19:54,465 --> 00:19:57,775
All right? I'm Grant, I live next door.
350
00:19:57,825 --> 00:19:59,975
(Softly) Hello, I'm Sam.
351
00:20:00,025 --> 00:20:03,813
- You've just moved in?
- Yeah, at the weekend.
352
00:20:03,865 --> 00:20:06,584
- Settling in OK?
- Yes, thanks.
353
00:20:06,625 --> 00:20:08,741
There's a lot of decorating to do.
354
00:20:08,785 --> 00:20:12,494
- You'll be doing that yourself?
- Yeah, I love it.
355
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,615
Hmm.
356
00:20:14,665 --> 00:20:16,974
Er, do you work local, do you?
357
00:20:17,025 --> 00:20:19,300
Mm, at the town hall.
358
00:20:19,345 --> 00:20:22,064
They've got good
sports facilities, haven't they?
359
00:20:22,105 --> 00:20:25,495
- Do they?
- Brilliant football team. Do you play football?.
360
00:20:25,545 --> 00:20:27,661
- No.
- Right.
361
00:20:27,705 --> 00:20:31,778
Um, look, I know this might seem
a bit awkward but, um...
362
00:20:31,825 --> 00:20:37,297
since you moved in, me and my missus
we was sort of wondering, um...
363
00:20:37,345 --> 00:20:39,654
Are you a girl or a bloke?
364
00:20:41,105 --> 00:20:43,414
That is so rude.
365
00:20:43,465 --> 00:20:45,421
I didn't mean to offend you!
366
00:20:45,465 --> 00:20:48,423
No, because we're new neighbours
I was wondering
367
00:20:48,465 --> 00:20:50,899
if we fall out whether I could punch you or not.
368
00:20:50,945 --> 00:20:52,901
No.
369
00:20:52,945 --> 00:20:54,139
Right.
370
00:21:02,465 --> 00:21:04,456
What sort of hinges d'you use?
371
00:21:04,505 --> 00:21:07,099
Don't use hinges, use hazelwood pegs.
372
00:21:07,145 --> 00:21:09,181
Oh, lovely job, mate.
373
00:21:09,225 --> 00:21:11,693
Oh, thanks.
374
00:21:11,745 --> 00:21:15,579
It's traditional.
Goes back to olde worlde times.
375
00:21:15,625 --> 00:21:18,093
We use all olde worlde tools.
376
00:21:18,145 --> 00:21:21,182
Apart from the drill. And the van.
377
00:21:21,225 --> 00:21:24,820
Oh, God, it's just like
being up on a stage here.
378
00:21:24,865 --> 00:21:26,742
You are.
379
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:28,776
That's what this is.
380
00:21:28,825 --> 00:21:35,139
This is the perfect marriage...
of justice and entertainment.
381
00:21:37,265 --> 00:21:39,256
Way ahead of its time.
382
00:21:39,305 --> 00:21:42,183
Don't suppose you get
to make 'em much these days.
383
00:21:42,225 --> 00:21:44,659
Oh, yeah, very busy. Mainly export.
384
00:21:45,825 --> 00:21:47,816
You can, er...
385
00:21:47,865 --> 00:21:49,901
have a go if you want.
386
00:21:49,945 --> 00:21:52,334
Oh, brilliant! Cheers!
387
00:21:52,385 --> 00:21:54,137
Go on.
388
00:21:58,705 --> 00:22:01,742
Can you let me out, please,
I wanna go toilet.
389
00:22:01,785 --> 00:22:03,582
Thanks.
390
00:22:06,625 --> 00:22:10,174
- (Hammering)
- Make sure there's no splinters in that!
391
00:22:11,225 --> 00:22:13,785
- You bastard!
- (Phone )
392
00:22:15,105 --> 00:22:17,255
It's terrible what's going on
393
00:22:17,305 --> 00:22:21,139
and I just want you to know
that some of us are appalled.
394
00:22:21,185 --> 00:22:26,100
I've made a banner and I'm going to protest
throughout the whole ordeal.
395
00:22:26,145 --> 00:22:27,737
Um, thanks.
396
00:22:27,785 --> 00:22:30,583
- Is there anything else I can do for you?
- No.
397
00:22:30,625 --> 00:22:34,061
- I can sit with you, if you like.
- No, no...
398
00:22:34,105 --> 00:22:36,141
Do...do I know you?
399
00:22:36,185 --> 00:22:40,463
You're a fellow human being
and all suffering affects me.
400
00:22:40,505 --> 00:22:43,383
Hm. What, like,
people you've never met?
401
00:22:43,425 --> 00:22:44,938
Yes.
402
00:22:44,985 --> 00:22:47,215
Are you telepathic or something?
403
00:22:47,265 --> 00:22:48,857
No.
404
00:22:48,905 --> 00:22:51,783
I mean, do you get happy
when they're happy
405
00:22:51,825 --> 00:22:54,976
or is it like
a sort of one-way misery thing?
406
00:22:55,025 --> 00:22:57,220
I'm only trying to help.
407
00:22:57,265 --> 00:23:00,621
Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry.
I'm just a bit stressed.
408
00:23:00,665 --> 00:23:03,259
Actually, there is something you can do.
409
00:23:03,305 --> 00:23:04,704
What?
410
00:23:04,745 --> 00:23:07,498
Get your roots done,
you look like a badger!
411
00:23:08,585 --> 00:23:10,780
(Banging and gasping)
412
00:23:11,825 --> 00:23:15,420
(Man ) Where did you learn
to do that? (Laughs )
413
00:23:15,465 --> 00:23:17,535
Takes his time, doesn't he?
414
00:23:20,625 --> 00:23:24,937
No, no, you don't understand.
I'm gonna be in the stocks.
415
00:23:24,985 --> 00:23:27,499
Yeah, like in olden times.
416
00:23:27,545 --> 00:23:30,139
Er, about half an hour.
417
00:23:31,905 --> 00:23:36,137
That's strange, there's...
there's no one down there.
418
00:23:37,185 --> 00:23:39,904
Of course! They're boycotting it!
419
00:23:39,945 --> 00:23:45,895
That's the one thing I'd forgotten about,
the basic human decency of ordinary people.
420
00:23:45,945 --> 00:23:48,140
Yeah, I feel much better. Thanks.
421
00:23:48,185 --> 00:23:50,779
And if you can't remember
a simple set of numbers
422
00:23:50,825 --> 00:23:52,941
get someone else to dial!
423
00:23:52,985 --> 00:23:56,295
I should've realised,
this is the 21st century.
424
00:23:56,345 --> 00:24:00,497
People simply won't tolerate
this kind of public savagery.
425
00:24:00,545 --> 00:24:04,697
It's good to know that the human heart
beats loudest when faced with injustice.
426
00:24:05,745 --> 00:24:08,100
That's what separates us from the chimps.
427
00:24:09,145 --> 00:24:10,863
(Crowd cheering)
428
00:24:12,865 --> 00:24:15,333
Ohh, no, no, all right, all right...
429
00:24:15,385 --> 00:24:18,502
everybody drink up,
it starts in half an hour.
430
00:24:18,545 --> 00:24:21,696
- Let's get him!
- (All cheering)
431
00:24:24,265 --> 00:24:26,142
Dear...
432
00:24:28,345 --> 00:24:30,415
Wayne Sleep.
433
00:24:31,465 --> 00:24:35,458
Haven't seen you dancing for a while.
434
00:24:35,505 --> 00:24:37,496
Lost your pumps?
435
00:24:40,385 --> 00:24:42,421
- You havin' a go?
- No.
436
00:24:42,465 --> 00:24:44,456
What's the matter?
437
00:24:44,505 --> 00:24:47,224
Well, I'm gonna
have stuff thrown at me.
438
00:24:47,265 --> 00:24:49,904
I don't like
having stuff thrown at me.
439
00:24:49,945 --> 00:24:53,574
My mum said the amount of stuff
that gets thrown at you
440
00:24:53,625 --> 00:24:56,378
is a good way of telling
how popular you are.
441
00:24:56,425 --> 00:24:58,780
- Hm?
- Lots of stuff - bad.
442
00:25:00,145 --> 00:25:02,613
That means I've got nothing to worry about!
443
00:25:02,665 --> 00:25:05,657
- Why's that?
- People like me round here.
444
00:25:05,705 --> 00:25:08,822
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm quite popular.
445
00:25:09,865 --> 00:25:11,856
I don't think you are.
446
00:25:11,905 --> 00:25:15,580
I'm not saying they love me
but there's a warmth.
447
00:25:15,625 --> 00:25:19,140
- No, there isn't.
- Why are you saying that?
448
00:25:19,185 --> 00:25:22,780
You wanna take a look out there.
It is buzzing!
449
00:25:22,825 --> 00:25:25,180
There's a real party atmosphere.
450
00:25:25,225 --> 00:25:29,855
Fat ladies dancing with coppers,
they're serving gypsies in the pub.
451
00:25:29,905 --> 00:25:32,703
It's like they're livin' la vida loca.
452
00:25:32,745 --> 00:25:35,259
- You're not going, are you?
- Yeah!
453
00:25:35,305 --> 00:25:38,263
I was in a bit of a quandary
so I phoned my mum,
454
00:25:38,305 --> 00:25:42,139
and she said, ''Son,
this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
455
00:25:42,185 --> 00:25:45,382
''You missed the eclipse,
your TB vaccinations
456
00:25:45,425 --> 00:25:47,620
''and your nan's first cappuccino.
457
00:25:47,665 --> 00:25:50,054
''Now go out there, enjoy yourself
458
00:25:50,105 --> 00:25:52,096
''and be like the others!''
459
00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:56,377
- If you throw one thing at me...
- What?
460
00:25:56,425 --> 00:26:00,418
I dunno, I'm a bit stressed,
but there'll be consequences.
461
00:26:01,665 --> 00:26:04,259
- I'm watching you.
- (Phone )
462
00:26:06,345 --> 00:26:10,975
Very exciting scenes here
as the prisoner mounts the platform.
463
00:26:11,025 --> 00:26:13,061
He looks frightened as a rabbit,
464
00:26:13,105 --> 00:26:16,575
in ironic contrast
to the graceful, serene creature
465
00:26:16,625 --> 00:26:18,980
whose life he so carelessly ended.
466
00:26:19,025 --> 00:26:22,415
- (Crowd booing)
- (Man ) Swan killer!
467
00:26:22,465 --> 00:26:27,858
And we're lucky to have a celebrity guest
to start the punishment.
468
00:26:27,905 --> 00:26:31,784
International star of world darts,
Bobby George!
469
00:26:31,825 --> 00:26:33,816
- (Cheering)
- Missed!
470
00:26:36,905 --> 00:26:38,736
Ha ha!
471
00:26:38,785 --> 00:26:40,423
Bastard!
472
00:26:40,465 --> 00:26:42,581
Ow!
473
00:26:42,625 --> 00:26:44,422
Bastard!
474
00:26:47,065 --> 00:26:49,818
It's only a swan!
475
00:26:49,865 --> 00:26:51,856
- (Errol yelling)
- You bastard!
476
00:26:51,905 --> 00:26:54,897
(Crowd cheering and yelling)
477
00:26:59,145 --> 00:27:01,022
Bastard!
478
00:27:02,345 --> 00:27:03,460
Ow!
479
00:27:13,345 --> 00:27:16,018
So, where you been then, Vince?
480
00:27:16,065 --> 00:27:18,863
- Cinema?
- No.
481
00:27:19,905 --> 00:27:21,896
Funfair?
482
00:27:23,585 --> 00:27:25,382
Royal tournament?
483
00:27:25,425 --> 00:27:27,336
(Sighs ) No.
484
00:27:27,385 --> 00:27:29,455
Course, wrong time of year.
485
00:27:30,665 --> 00:27:33,737
Delivering pizzas in a safari park?
486
00:27:33,785 --> 00:27:36,777
- No.
- Oh.
487
00:27:36,825 --> 00:27:38,816
Let me think.
488
00:27:38,865 --> 00:27:41,538
White suit covered in tomatoes...
489
00:27:44,425 --> 00:27:46,222
Amsterdam!
490
00:27:48,665 --> 00:27:53,056
- (Errol) Sorry about before.
- It's fine. Don't worry about it.
491
00:27:53,105 --> 00:27:55,460
(Errol) Got a bit carried away.
492
00:27:56,505 --> 00:27:58,302
Forget about it.
493
00:27:58,345 --> 00:28:02,657
(Errol) So, um,
what were the consequences?
494
00:28:02,705 --> 00:28:05,014
Nothing much.
495
00:28:10,625 --> 00:28:15,255
It's aversion therapy. One day you'll pluck up
courage to go out on that balcony
496
00:28:15,305 --> 00:28:18,297
and your reward -
a lovely pair of trainers.
497
00:28:18,347 --> 00:28:22,897
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