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1
00:00:25,795 --> 00:00:29,583
(TV) But yes, they could
have been made in South Wales.
2
00:00:29,635 --> 00:00:34,390
What more can we say? Date... 1850,
we were hoping you were going to say,
3
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:37,427
in the Regency style but a little bit later.
4
00:00:37,475 --> 00:00:40,308
When it came to the price you said eleven.
5
00:00:40,355 --> 00:00:46,430
And to be honest, I've got down here
anything between ten and twelve.
6
00:00:46,475 --> 00:00:49,148
So, it's two points, Mark.
7
00:00:51,195 --> 00:00:53,231
I wouldn't bother watching this. It's rubbish.
8
00:00:53,275 --> 00:00:55,266
I don't mind.
9
00:00:56,595 --> 00:00:59,348
Now we have on display
some buried treasure...
10
00:00:59,395 --> 00:01:02,546
How long do you reckon you'll be sitting there?
11
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,586
I don't know.
12
00:01:06,515 --> 00:01:08,585
- Have you got the remote?
- What for?
13
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:11,468
- The telly's a bit dark.
- That's how I like it.
14
00:01:11,515 --> 00:01:13,506
You can't see their faces.
15
00:01:13,555 --> 00:01:18,913
You've only been here a couple of days.
Already fiddling with the brightness on my telly.
16
00:01:18,955 --> 00:01:22,709
I had a lot of people look at this flat.
I could have gone for the lawyer.
17
00:01:23,315 --> 00:01:27,752
It's a great view, yeah. And on a clear day...
18
00:01:27,795 --> 00:01:30,184
you can see right across town.
19
00:01:30,235 --> 00:01:32,351
Oi!
20
00:01:32,395 --> 00:01:34,386
If you like that sort of thing.
21
00:01:34,435 --> 00:01:37,871
- What's the matter?
- Oh, someone on Rollerblades.
22
00:01:37,915 --> 00:01:40,270
- They can be a nuisance.
- Can they?
23
00:01:40,315 --> 00:01:42,829
I just try and distract them. See if they fall over.
24
00:01:42,875 --> 00:01:46,345
I do it to Rollerbladers, skateboarders, cyclists.
25
00:01:46,395 --> 00:01:50,593
- I'm a cyclist.
- Oh, you'd better watch yourself.
26
00:01:50,635 --> 00:01:55,026
I didn't like him much.
Or his mode of transport.
27
00:01:57,115 --> 00:01:59,868
And there was something about his teeth.
28
00:01:59,915 --> 00:02:02,304
They were a bit...sort of low.
29
00:02:02,355 --> 00:02:05,631
(TV) There is some good news
and a bit of bad news...
30
00:02:07,915 --> 00:02:09,906
Oi!
31
00:02:13,875 --> 00:02:16,435
Course, I could have just gone for the actress.
32
00:02:16,475 --> 00:02:18,466
So what do you do for a living?
33
00:02:18,515 --> 00:02:22,508
- I'm an actress.
- Ooh! Oh! Actress!
34
00:02:22,555 --> 00:02:24,511
Have you worked ever?
35
00:02:24,555 --> 00:02:26,944
- I was in a musical.
- Which one?
36
00:02:26,995 --> 00:02:30,351
- Cats.
- That's funny. I'm allergic to cats.
37
00:02:30,395 --> 00:02:34,468
Not the musical, I mean real cats.
You just dress up as a cat.
38
00:02:34,515 --> 00:02:36,949
If you want,
I'll put a flap in the door.
39
00:02:36,995 --> 00:02:39,190
- No, I'm not a cat.
- No, no.
40
00:02:39,235 --> 00:02:42,466
I'm surprised they use real actresses
in those cat costumes.
41
00:02:42,515 --> 00:02:46,394
They could just dress up members
of the public. No one would know.
42
00:02:46,435 --> 00:02:51,065
Yes they would. It's not just people
standing around in cat costumes.
43
00:02:51,115 --> 00:02:54,710
We have to sing and dance
and each cat has an individual character.
44
00:02:54,755 --> 00:02:58,907
Sorry. Sit down. Have a cup of tea.
See if you like the place.
45
00:02:58,955 --> 00:03:01,025
- No more cat jokes.
- Promise.
46
00:03:01,075 --> 00:03:03,350
Milk? In your tea.
47
00:03:03,395 --> 00:03:05,386
Yeah.
48
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:08,791
Do you ever get annoyed
at those PG Tips chimps?
49
00:03:08,835 --> 00:03:11,986
They're not real actors like you.
They're just chimps.
50
00:03:12,035 --> 00:03:14,026
(TV, indistinct)
51
00:03:17,555 --> 00:03:20,911
Do you think you'll be
sitting there most nights?
52
00:03:20,955 --> 00:03:22,866
I suppose so.
53
00:03:22,915 --> 00:03:25,429
It's nice to watch telly in peace.
54
00:03:25,475 --> 00:03:28,433
Round our house,
our Barry would wanna watch football,
55
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,591
Whitney would want Changing Rooms,
56
00:03:30,635 --> 00:03:33,547
Ryan would want The Bill,
Keisha loves EastEnders,
57
00:03:33,595 --> 00:03:36,871
Gordon loves the news,
Mercedes wants the Shopping Channel,
58
00:03:36,915 --> 00:03:39,554
- How many of you are there?
- Eleven.
59
00:03:43,595 --> 00:03:46,473
They won't all be coming round, will they?
60
00:03:46,515 --> 00:03:48,506
I don't know.
61
00:03:53,035 --> 00:03:55,185
- This isn't going to work.
- What?
62
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:59,626
We've made a massive mistake.
You'e fiddling with the telly, hogging the sofa.
63
00:03:59,675 --> 00:04:03,031
- Next you'll be using my Club Card.
- I've got a Reward Card.
64
00:04:03,075 --> 00:04:05,794
- How long have you had that?
- Hour and a half.
65
00:04:05,835 --> 00:04:08,303
- How many points you got?
- Nine.
66
00:04:09,355 --> 00:04:12,950
Three years, mate. 17,000 points.
67
00:04:12,995 --> 00:04:16,112
That's loyalty, yeah?
68
00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:19,943
Actually, hold on.
If you use my card, I get the points.
69
00:04:19,995 --> 00:04:22,384
OK. OK, right. Yeah.
70
00:04:22,435 --> 00:04:26,826
OK, you can stay, as long as you use this card
when you go shopping.
71
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:28,866
- OK.
- Yeah?
72
00:04:28,915 --> 00:04:33,705
- So from now on, this flat is loyal to one card.
- OK. Yeah.
73
00:04:33,755 --> 00:04:36,064
- What are you doing?
- High fives.
74
00:04:36,115 --> 00:04:38,106
No, no, no, no.
75
00:04:38,155 --> 00:04:40,350
No funny handshakes. Not in this... No.
76
00:04:40,395 --> 00:04:42,989
- Just no physical stuff, yeah?
- Yeah.
77
00:04:43,035 --> 00:04:45,026
No back slaps, nothing like that.
78
00:04:45,075 --> 00:04:48,431
Don't ever touch, shake or catch
any part of me, ever.
79
00:04:50,195 --> 00:04:54,074
If I'm on fire, don't put me out. Let me burn.
80
00:04:54,115 --> 00:04:56,310
We'll get on fine.
81
00:04:57,395 --> 00:04:59,386
Is that your mum?
82
00:05:00,435 --> 00:05:02,426
No. I don't know who that is.
83
00:05:03,475 --> 00:05:06,273
- Just get it when you buy the wallet.
- Oh.
84
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:14,863
- Where are you off to?
- Going to see Nan.
85
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,554
Before you go,
me and your dad need a word.
86
00:05:17,595 --> 00:05:19,790
It's about your nan.
87
00:05:24,235 --> 00:05:27,227
It's her teeth, son. They're false.
88
00:05:27,275 --> 00:05:30,551
- Hey?
- And she's got a built-up shoe.
89
00:05:30,595 --> 00:05:32,586
So?
90
00:05:32,635 --> 00:05:38,232
Her tights...they ain't tights.
They stop below the knee.
91
00:05:38,275 --> 00:05:40,266
Why are you saying all this?
92
00:05:40,315 --> 00:05:42,829
Her real hair isn't blue.
93
00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:47,744
You know the money she gives you
for Christmas? It ain't legal tender.
94
00:05:47,795 --> 00:05:49,592
I don't care!
95
00:05:49,635 --> 00:05:52,866
Jason, you're making this very difficult for us.
96
00:05:52,915 --> 00:05:55,793
She doesn't cook.
Her meals are delivered.
97
00:05:55,835 --> 00:05:59,953
- She's got three pairs of glasses.
- She keeps bits of soap in a cup.
98
00:05:59,995 --> 00:06:04,352
Stop it! Why are you saying these things?
99
00:06:04,395 --> 00:06:08,388
We just wanted you to know,
your nan ain't all she's cracked up to be.
100
00:06:17,035 --> 00:06:18,434
(Blows whistle )
101
00:06:18,475 --> 00:06:21,592
- Oi. No urinating in the pool.
- I wasn't!
102
00:06:21,635 --> 00:06:24,672
You're seven years old.
You're bound to be.
103
00:06:27,195 --> 00:06:29,709
- All right?
- Yeah.
104
00:06:29,755 --> 00:06:32,110
Bored.
105
00:06:32,955 --> 00:06:37,471
Since they closed those diving boards,
this job has got very dull.
106
00:06:40,195 --> 00:06:43,471
I remember once,
a fella jumped off the top board,
107
00:06:43,515 --> 00:06:45,983
then someone jumped off
the middle board.
108
00:06:46,035 --> 00:06:49,471
They both landed on the springboard
and went back to the top board.
109
00:06:49,515 --> 00:06:51,506
Incredible.
110
00:06:53,395 --> 00:06:56,273
- What?
- I told you that yesterday.
111
00:06:56,315 --> 00:07:00,308
They didn't land on the springboard.
They went straight in the pool.
112
00:07:09,835 --> 00:07:10,824
(Blows whistle )
113
00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:13,025
Stay in your lane! You're veering off to the left.
114
00:07:13,075 --> 00:07:15,066
I've only got one arm.
115
00:07:15,115 --> 00:07:16,946
Only use one leg, then!
116
00:07:22,155 --> 00:07:24,749
- (Thud)
- Ah! Ah!
117
00:07:24,795 --> 00:07:26,626
Who put that there?
118
00:07:26,675 --> 00:07:29,985
Ah! Ah! Oh!
119
00:07:30,035 --> 00:07:32,071
Shit!
120
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:36,186
Errol! Errol!
121
00:07:36,235 --> 00:07:40,114
Errol! Could you chuck us the remote?
I threw it at Les Dennis.
122
00:07:41,155 --> 00:07:43,146
Here you go.
123
00:07:43,195 --> 00:07:46,232
Oh, and that cushion that's just down there.
124
00:07:50,435 --> 00:07:52,665
Oh, and them crisps.
125
00:07:55,955 --> 00:07:57,946
- Do you want me to open...
- No, no, no.
126
00:07:57,995 --> 00:08:01,783
Oh, and put those tissues in the bin.
Ta. Thanks.
127
00:08:05,315 --> 00:08:08,193
Oh, next time could you get seedless?
128
00:08:08,235 --> 00:08:10,430
These are a bit...
129
00:08:10,475 --> 00:08:14,309
And a copy of Loot. Let's sell the sofa
and get something else.
130
00:08:14,355 --> 00:08:16,823
It's a bit early for Family Fortunes.
131
00:08:16,875 --> 00:08:19,673
I tape it and watch it
when I'm in the mood.
132
00:08:19,715 --> 00:08:22,104
I've seen this one. It's dead funny.
133
00:08:22,155 --> 00:08:24,589
They ask you what food you eat at Christmas.
134
00:08:24,635 --> 00:08:27,308
- Top answer's turkey, yeah?
- Yeah.
135
00:08:29,395 --> 00:08:33,149
- What do the family say?
- Turkey! (Laughs )
136
00:08:34,155 --> 00:08:36,146
They win a car!
137
00:08:39,795 --> 00:08:41,786
Who are you talking to out there?
138
00:08:41,835 --> 00:08:46,192
Oh, I'm making a tape for me mum.
Letting her know how I'm getting on.
139
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:50,148
There's no point ringing.
The phone's always engaged.
140
00:08:50,195 --> 00:08:52,550
- Big family.
- Yeah.
141
00:08:52,595 --> 00:08:56,190
A friend's got the same problem.
His number's similar to a chat line.
142
00:08:56,235 --> 00:09:00,194
He spends most of his days
telling single men to piss off!
143
00:09:06,515 --> 00:09:08,506
What's the matter?
144
00:09:08,555 --> 00:09:11,945
Nothing. I'll just finish me tape.
145
00:09:18,555 --> 00:09:22,389
(Woman ) They're not shut properly.
Will you close the curtains?
146
00:09:22,435 --> 00:09:24,426
Just close 'em!
147
00:09:24,475 --> 00:09:27,672
- No, you haven't done it properly.
- Oh, all right.
148
00:09:27,715 --> 00:09:31,424
Still no. I can see the light. Close 'em!
149
00:09:31,475 --> 00:09:34,990
- Oh, it don't matter!
- It do matter!
150
00:09:35,035 --> 00:09:37,185
Come on, darlin'!
151
00:09:37,235 --> 00:09:40,545
Close 'em cos I'm not doing nothing
till they're closed.
152
00:09:40,595 --> 00:09:42,392
Don't worry about it!
153
00:09:42,435 --> 00:09:44,426
I like chunky birds!
154
00:09:45,875 --> 00:09:48,594
Hello, Mum.
It's your third youngest here.
155
00:09:48,635 --> 00:09:50,990
Errol. The Chinese one.
156
00:09:51,035 --> 00:09:54,186
How are you all?. Did Barry get that job?
157
00:09:54,235 --> 00:09:56,385
He's the one with the lisp.
158
00:09:56,435 --> 00:09:59,393
I hope so. I like him.
159
00:09:59,435 --> 00:10:03,508
Well, I'm living in a tower block.
My flatmate's name's Vince.
160
00:10:03,555 --> 00:10:06,991
He's all right.
He seems a bit confused.
161
00:10:07,035 --> 00:10:10,789
Yesterday I told him about
Uncle Ray's phone number problem.
162
00:10:10,835 --> 00:10:13,633
He's just told it back to me
as if it was his story.
163
00:10:13,675 --> 00:10:15,347
Errol!
164
00:10:15,395 --> 00:10:18,626
Errol! Errol!
165
00:10:18,675 --> 00:10:20,825
- Have you been disloyal?.
- Eh?
166
00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:23,992
- Where'd you buy these crisps?
- Corner shop.
167
00:10:24,035 --> 00:10:27,744
I knew it. They're stale.
Will you take them back?
168
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,309
- I'm popping out later.
- Take them back now.
169
00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:33,950
- I'm finishing my tape.
- Take them back or I'll eat them.
170
00:10:33,995 --> 00:10:37,544
- But they're stale.
- Exactly. I don't want to eat stale crisps.
171
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:41,383
And tell him, ''Have I got mug
written on my forehead?''
172
00:10:41,435 --> 00:10:44,472
Get right close up to his face
and let him know
173
00:10:44,515 --> 00:10:48,428
- he's not dealing with a mug.
- I can't get as angry as you can.
174
00:10:48,475 --> 00:10:51,353
- Not about crisps.
- It's not about crisps.
175
00:10:51,395 --> 00:10:53,386
It is.
176
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:55,744
(Sighs ) OK, well, take a photo of me
177
00:10:55,795 --> 00:10:59,231
so you can point to my face
when you're doing the mug bit.
178
00:10:59,275 --> 00:11:01,470
Hang on.
179
00:11:07,635 --> 00:11:10,707
You tell him on tape
and I'll play it back to him.
180
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:15,748
All right. But you'll have to learn
to stand up for yourself.
181
00:11:15,795 --> 00:11:17,786
But I'm standing up for you.
182
00:11:17,835 --> 00:11:20,588
- Have you got a photo?
- No.
183
00:11:20,635 --> 00:11:23,593
- There's probably one up there.
- Oh.
184
00:11:25,675 --> 00:11:28,064
Hm. Is that your family?
185
00:11:28,115 --> 00:11:30,868
No. I don't know who they are. Use that.
186
00:11:30,915 --> 00:11:32,906
Who do you want to be?
187
00:11:32,955 --> 00:11:35,628
(Sighs ) Erm...
188
00:11:35,675 --> 00:11:37,745
- The blond one, centre parting.
- OK.
189
00:11:37,795 --> 00:11:41,947
No, no, no. He's too short.
The one with the brown hair.
190
00:11:41,995 --> 00:11:43,986
All right.
191
00:11:44,035 --> 00:11:46,993
Hello. We bought these crisps.
Turn it off.
192
00:11:47,035 --> 00:11:50,630
At this point you hold up
the crisps, right? Carry on.
193
00:11:50,675 --> 00:11:54,987
They're stale. Horrible.
How dare you sell out-of-date crisps!
194
00:11:55,035 --> 00:11:57,595
Have I got mug written on my forehead?
195
00:11:57,635 --> 00:11:59,830
- Then you point to me.
- Yeah.
196
00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:06,104
You should be ashamed of yourself.
What next? Out-of-date newspapers?
197
00:12:06,155 --> 00:12:09,750
- And you could point to a newspaper.
- OK.
198
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:11,990
I mean, how hard is it to run a shop?
199
00:12:21,315 --> 00:12:25,194
Sofa for sale. Orange.
200
00:12:26,235 --> 00:12:28,829
Two-seater. Hundred quid.
201
00:12:31,435 --> 00:12:35,030
How many words have I got left?
Better not waste it.
202
00:12:35,075 --> 00:12:37,066
Just put...
203
00:12:38,195 --> 00:12:40,186
Tadpole.
204
00:12:41,835 --> 00:12:44,224
There's some real bargains in here.
205
00:12:45,275 --> 00:12:49,632
''50 CDs, all hit albums,
�85. Nipple.''
206
00:12:52,715 --> 00:12:57,743
''Rollerblades, gold and black,
as new, �40. Butterscotch.''
207
00:12:58,835 --> 00:13:01,065
Oi!
208
00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:03,106
You never know.
209
00:13:04,355 --> 00:13:06,152
Oh, look at this.
210
00:13:06,195 --> 00:13:09,267
''Much loved three-seat sofa,
ideal for kids to play on,
211
00:13:09,315 --> 00:13:11,306
''or dog to give birth.''
212
00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:13,346
No, we're not getting another sofa.
213
00:13:13,395 --> 00:13:17,149
We get separate chairs and you know,
get on better.
214
00:13:18,355 --> 00:13:24,385
''Wedding dress, size 18, never worn, �150.
215
00:13:24,435 --> 00:13:25,629
''Bastard.''
216
00:13:25,675 --> 00:13:26,994
(Sizzling)
217
00:13:27,035 --> 00:13:28,707
Ah!
218
00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:33,590
Ah! Ooh! Oh!
219
00:13:37,435 --> 00:13:40,711
(Tape ) Hello, son, it's your mum.
Glad you're settled in London.
220
00:13:40,755 --> 00:13:44,145
Thought I'd cheer you up with one of me tapes,
tell you what's going on.
221
00:13:44,195 --> 00:13:48,029
The cat's dead, your auntie's in hospital,
the boiler blew up,
222
00:13:48,075 --> 00:13:51,750
Kerry's pregnant, drains are blocked,
Gordon's bisexual,
223
00:13:51,795 --> 00:13:54,514
the mice have gone, Tania made a scarf,
224
00:13:54,555 --> 00:13:57,274
Ryan's now a sergeant but he's gone bald,
225
00:13:57,315 --> 00:13:59,704
Whitney's stupid, not dyslexic,
226
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:03,270
Gerry's gone Muslim and I've started
the change. That's it, really.
227
00:14:03,315 --> 00:14:07,069
Hope you'll be all right in London.
Everyone says hiya.
228
00:14:07,115 --> 00:14:11,666
Keisha says can you buy something
from Harrods and send her the bag.
229
00:14:11,715 --> 00:14:13,945
- Errol!
- Hiya.
230
00:14:14,835 --> 00:14:16,826
Is your leg better?
231
00:14:16,875 --> 00:14:19,833
No. I got a minicab down to Tescos.
232
00:14:19,875 --> 00:14:23,231
Thought I'd treat myself
to a few loyalty points.
233
00:14:23,275 --> 00:14:25,835
Look at that. Filipino honky fruit.
234
00:14:25,875 --> 00:14:27,991
300 points.
235
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,674
- What's it taste like?
- Don't know.
236
00:14:31,715 --> 00:14:33,706
I don't really care.
237
00:14:33,755 --> 00:14:35,746
- Oi!
- (Crash)
238
00:14:35,795 --> 00:14:37,786
Yes! Agh!
239
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:40,065
This is one of those perfect days.
240
00:14:40,115 --> 00:14:44,188
I bet you any minute now the fella
opposite is gonna come round
241
00:14:44,235 --> 00:14:46,624
and admit to moving the doormat.
242
00:14:50,755 --> 00:14:53,030
You look a bit red round the eyes.
243
00:14:53,075 --> 00:14:55,066
Been staring at the microwave?
244
00:14:55,115 --> 00:14:57,504
- No.
- You want to be careful.
245
00:14:57,555 --> 00:15:00,194
A mate of mine cooked his own eyeballs
246
00:15:00,235 --> 00:15:03,227
watching baked potatoes heat up.
247
00:15:03,275 --> 00:15:05,470
Silly bugger.
248
00:15:05,515 --> 00:15:08,552
That was in the paper yesterday.
249
00:15:08,595 --> 00:15:11,234
And it was a woman from Derby.
250
00:15:11,275 --> 00:15:14,233
It wasn't baked potatoes, it were pasties.
251
00:15:14,275 --> 00:15:17,073
- I don't think so, Errol.
- You read it out.
252
00:15:17,115 --> 00:15:19,993
Oh, you can remember that, can you?
253
00:15:20,035 --> 00:15:23,710
Well, yeah. You came into my room
and turned the light on.
254
00:15:23,755 --> 00:15:27,668
I suppose it is a bit similar
to what happened to my friend.
255
00:15:27,715 --> 00:15:29,706
What is wrong with your eyes?
256
00:15:29,755 --> 00:15:33,668
I think I've strained them.
They're not used to your telly.
257
00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:36,991
- Is it on?
- Yeah, I just turned the sound down.
258
00:15:39,075 --> 00:15:41,748
(Racing commentary on television )
259
00:15:41,795 --> 00:15:45,105
- I didn't know you were a gambler.
- I'm not.
260
00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:48,306
I just like watching the midgets on horseback.
261
00:15:49,355 --> 00:15:52,745
Don't you think you ever know
which one's gonna win?
262
00:15:52,795 --> 00:15:54,990
Not on your telly.
263
00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:58,953
Come on, let's have the brightness up.
264
00:16:00,755 --> 00:16:04,350
- Thanks, Vince.
- I said don't touch me!
265
00:16:05,395 --> 00:16:07,989
You had to spoil it, didn't you?
266
00:16:13,435 --> 00:16:15,824
( The Shadows:: Apache )
267
00:16:25,155 --> 00:16:27,749
(Mum, on tape ) Ooh, I miss you, son.
268
00:16:29,835 --> 00:16:31,427
(Door buzzer)
269
00:16:34,875 --> 00:16:36,672
Where is it?
270
00:16:36,715 --> 00:16:38,751
- Have you come about the sofa?
- Yeah.
271
00:16:38,795 --> 00:16:41,707
Sorry. I don't allow smoking in my flat.
272
00:16:41,755 --> 00:16:43,825
All right. I'll finish it here.
273
00:16:43,875 --> 00:16:45,866
Sorry, I just don't like it. It's...
274
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,866
(Clears throat)
275
00:16:58,195 --> 00:17:01,426
Good value though, aren't they,
those Superkings.
276
00:17:01,475 --> 00:17:04,273
They're not Superkings. They're Extra Longs.
277
00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:07,546
Right. Is there a difference?
278
00:17:07,595 --> 00:17:10,155
Yeah. About four puffs.
279
00:17:15,595 --> 00:17:18,667
You're gonna be ages, aren't you?
280
00:17:18,715 --> 00:17:22,105
Why don't you just come through
when you're ready?
281
00:17:26,395 --> 00:17:28,784
( Apache continues)
282
00:17:49,075 --> 00:17:52,829
- It's seen better days.
- Yeah, I've dished out a few...
283
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:55,309
- It's very comfortable.
- How much?
284
00:17:55,355 --> 00:17:58,506
- 100?
- 100 quid for this?
285
00:17:58,555 --> 00:18:01,274
- Is it flammable?
- I don't know.
286
00:18:01,315 --> 00:18:03,954
- Do you want it?
- 25 quid.
287
00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:05,986
- 99.
- That's not bargaining,
288
00:18:06,035 --> 00:18:08,424
you middle-class ponce.
289
00:18:08,475 --> 00:18:11,035
- 30.
- I'm not middle-class!
290
00:18:11,075 --> 00:18:13,305
- 90.
- Course you are.
291
00:18:13,355 --> 00:18:17,473
- Look at your fruit bowl. 35.
- They were on special offer. 80.
292
00:18:17,515 --> 00:18:20,632
You haven't even got
your telly on. 40.
293
00:18:20,675 --> 00:18:22,984
I was reading a book. 70.
294
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,832
Gotcha. 45.
295
00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:27,912
When I say book I mean car manual. 60?
296
00:18:27,955 --> 00:18:31,027
What was it for? A Bentley? 50.
297
00:18:31,075 --> 00:18:33,270
50, yeah. OK. OK. Yeah. 50.
298
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,270
I'll pick it up tomorrow.
299
00:18:38,315 --> 00:18:40,465
No, no, you've got to take it now.
300
00:18:40,515 --> 00:18:43,075
But I'm on me own.
I haven't got me van.
301
00:18:43,115 --> 00:18:47,427
It's not my problem.
I don't want your sofa cluttering up my room.
302
00:18:47,475 --> 00:18:50,512
I live here. This isn't some lock-up garage.
303
00:18:50,555 --> 00:18:53,911
You can't just dump furniture
in the middle of my flat.
304
00:18:53,955 --> 00:18:56,230
All right. I'll take it now.
305
00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,866
I'll get out of your way.
306
00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:03,670
There you are.
307
00:19:07,155 --> 00:19:09,146
Mind that. It's old.
308
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,906
( Apache continues )
309
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,910
- (Turns music off)
- Thanks.
310
00:20:06,235 --> 00:20:07,987
Oi!
311
00:20:08,035 --> 00:20:12,028
You got my Club Card! The Club Card!
312
00:20:30,995 --> 00:20:33,384
( Propellerheads:: Bang OnI)
313
00:21:51,115 --> 00:21:53,185
(Music stops )
314
00:22:08,515 --> 00:22:10,710
(Music resumes )
315
00:22:32,915 --> 00:22:34,906
Errol?.
316
00:22:38,955 --> 00:22:42,630
- What happened to loyalty?
- It's not for me, it's for me sister.
317
00:22:42,675 --> 00:22:45,792
She wanted something from Harrods.
318
00:22:45,835 --> 00:22:49,464
- A pint of milk?
- No, she just wants the bag.
319
00:22:49,515 --> 00:22:52,313
You went all the way to Harrods
to get a carrier bag?
320
00:22:52,355 --> 00:22:56,109
It's worth it. Should see
her face when she gets a new bag.
321
00:22:56,155 --> 00:22:59,909
Yeah, I heard 43. 43 what?
322
00:22:59,955 --> 00:23:02,389
What street?
323
00:23:02,435 --> 00:23:04,744
You don't know what street you are?
324
00:23:04,795 --> 00:23:09,391
- Why don't you ask her?
- She won't give it back to me.
325
00:23:09,435 --> 00:23:12,074
- Just go in there, sit down...
- Why me?
326
00:23:12,115 --> 00:23:15,824
She hates my guts.
She thinks I'm Lord Snooty.
327
00:23:16,875 --> 00:23:19,833
Please, it's for my Club Card. Please.
328
00:23:19,875 --> 00:23:21,866
OK.
329
00:23:24,115 --> 00:23:28,427
I said, ''Adrian, look out the window.
What's it like?''
330
00:23:28,475 --> 00:23:31,148
He said, ''I don't know, Mum. It's dark.''
331
00:23:31,195 --> 00:23:34,267
- He's 28!
- (All laugh)
332
00:23:44,755 --> 00:23:46,711
Errol!
333
00:23:47,155 --> 00:23:51,546
What's...? Where are you...?
Where are you going?
334
00:23:52,715 --> 00:23:58,665
Sorry, we don't pick up single gentlemen
unless they come into the office.
335
00:23:58,715 --> 00:24:01,388
- Yeah, and you.
- (Phone )
336
00:24:01,435 --> 00:24:03,426
Mama Cabs.
337
00:24:03,475 --> 00:24:06,592
It's on it's way. It'll be there any minute.
338
00:24:07,635 --> 00:24:09,751
Brenda, where are you?
339
00:24:09,795 --> 00:24:11,945
I've just come off the roundabout.
340
00:24:11,995 --> 00:24:13,986
Where are you?
341
00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:16,026
ETA two minutes. Over.
342
00:24:16,075 --> 00:24:18,589
- You want a cab?
- Yeah, yeah.
343
00:24:18,635 --> 00:24:22,389
I'm waiting for my girlfriend.
Lives around the corner.
344
00:24:22,435 --> 00:24:24,426
Buy her some honey.
345
00:24:25,555 --> 00:24:27,546
Ahem.
346
00:24:33,635 --> 00:24:37,344
- What do think you're doing, boy?
- Sorry. Just getting comfortable.
347
00:24:37,395 --> 00:24:39,386
My leg.
348
00:24:45,075 --> 00:24:47,145
- You're trying to touch my bottom!
- No!
349
00:24:47,195 --> 00:24:51,234
- Maxy, we have a pervert here.
- What are you doing here?
350
00:24:51,275 --> 00:24:53,391
I was looking for my wallet.
351
00:24:53,435 --> 00:24:55,630
- Shut up!
- Pervert!
352
00:24:55,675 --> 00:25:00,795
I'm so sorry I made you push the sofa.
But my wallet's in here somewhere.
353
00:25:00,835 --> 00:25:03,474
Pathetic, isn't he? Just like Hugh Grant.
354
00:25:03,515 --> 00:25:06,154
''I'm so sorry I made you push the sofa''!
355
00:25:06,195 --> 00:25:08,993
- Pervert.
- I'm nothing like Hugh Grant.
356
00:25:09,035 --> 00:25:12,630
- I work at the swimming baths.
- He buys his milk from Harrods.
357
00:25:12,675 --> 00:25:14,666
Ooh!
358
00:25:14,715 --> 00:25:18,230
It's not my bag.
It belongs to... It doesn't matter.
359
00:25:18,275 --> 00:25:22,348
Look, I've come to look for my wallet.
It's stuck in the sofa.
360
00:25:22,395 --> 00:25:25,353
Where's...
361
00:25:25,395 --> 00:25:28,193
- My wallet!
- What's in it?
362
00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:31,625
- My Tesco Club card.
- Anything else?
363
00:25:31,675 --> 00:25:34,872
- There'd be a fiver in there.
- Anything else?
364
00:25:35,915 --> 00:25:38,554
Oh, a picture of a little old lady.
365
00:25:38,595 --> 00:25:41,348
It's my mum.
I take it with me everywhere.
366
00:25:43,275 --> 00:25:45,948
- That's mine as well.
- A lot of people sit here.
367
00:25:45,995 --> 00:25:49,544
- Could belong to anybody.
- No, there's a message from my mum.
368
00:25:49,595 --> 00:25:52,587
Oh, I miss you, son.
369
00:25:52,635 --> 00:25:55,991
It seems like yesterday
I had you in me arms.
370
00:25:56,035 --> 00:25:59,948
I want you to be careful down there in London.
371
00:25:59,995 --> 00:26:01,986
I do worry about you.
372
00:26:03,115 --> 00:26:06,391
If I was there now I'd give you
a great big kiss and a hug.
373
00:26:06,435 --> 00:26:08,426
No, she wouldn't. No.
374
00:26:08,475 --> 00:26:12,548
I'd let you know that I don't think
you're weird or strange.
375
00:26:12,595 --> 00:26:17,271
You're my little boy
and I love you. (Sobs)
376
00:26:19,155 --> 00:26:22,545
- Is that your mum?
- Yeah. Yeah, love her to bits.
377
00:26:22,595 --> 00:26:26,668
- I don't see enough of my boy.
- Them never call.
378
00:26:26,715 --> 00:26:30,754
He got five years just for driving a van.
379
00:26:30,795 --> 00:26:33,628
- Them always busy.
- Full of cannabis.
380
00:26:34,515 --> 00:26:38,110
As it happens, you look a little bit like him.
381
00:26:38,155 --> 00:26:41,386
Oh, come here. Give us a cuddle.
382
00:26:41,435 --> 00:26:43,426
- No, I'm fine.
- A nice lad.
383
00:26:43,475 --> 00:26:46,547
I'm fine. I don't need a cuddle.
It's not necessary.
384
00:26:50,355 --> 00:26:52,311
I really I don't like this.
385
00:26:52,355 --> 00:26:56,064
- What's the matter?
- What don't you like?
386
00:26:56,115 --> 00:26:58,504
- Just relax a little.
- I don't like this!
387
00:27:02,595 --> 00:27:05,314
I really would like to get out of this...
388
00:27:05,355 --> 00:27:07,744
You lay back and relax. Don't worry.
389
00:27:07,795 --> 00:27:11,310
What happens...
You see, you don't realise what...
390
00:27:11,355 --> 00:27:13,425
Calm down now. Calm down.
391
00:27:13,475 --> 00:27:16,069
- No!
- Don't worry!
392
00:27:20,915 --> 00:27:23,668
- Calm down.
- (Vince screaming)
393
00:27:26,035 --> 00:27:28,788
That's close enough. Put it down there.
394
00:27:28,835 --> 00:27:30,826
Get back.
395
00:27:30,875 --> 00:27:32,866
Further.
396
00:27:41,475 --> 00:27:44,148
Why is it you hate being touched?
397
00:27:47,035 --> 00:27:50,232
- Remember Jim'll Fix It?
- (Impersonates Jimmy Saville )
398
00:27:50,275 --> 00:27:52,311
Yeah.
399
00:27:52,355 --> 00:27:53,754
I wrote in...
400
00:27:53,795 --> 00:27:56,263
asking to meet the Wombles.
401
00:27:56,315 --> 00:27:58,306
I did.
402
00:27:58,355 --> 00:28:00,425
Never meet your heroes, Errol.
403
00:28:01,475 --> 00:28:06,071
They all came running out.
Uncle Bulgaria, he slipped.
404
00:28:06,115 --> 00:28:10,427
Fell on top of me.
The other Wombles thought it was a game.
405
00:28:10,475 --> 00:28:14,991
They piled on top.
Do you remember how many there were?
406
00:28:15,035 --> 00:28:20,393
- Tomsk. Orinoco.
- (Errol) Tobermory.
407
00:28:20,435 --> 00:28:22,585
Yeah, that fat bastard.
408
00:28:23,515 --> 00:28:27,667
Within seconds I was buried
under a Womble mountain.
409
00:28:29,395 --> 00:28:33,308
They never showed that episode
cos I had a panic attack.
410
00:28:34,275 --> 00:28:36,266
I didn't even get a medal.
411
00:28:37,395 --> 00:28:39,386
I'm really sorry to hear that.
412
00:28:41,755 --> 00:28:43,746
Well, now you know.
413
00:28:43,795 --> 00:28:45,786
There we go.
414
00:28:45,835 --> 00:28:49,589
Video proof that I was on
Jim'll Fix It with the Wombles.
415
00:28:50,635 --> 00:28:52,034
No!
416
00:28:52,075 --> 00:28:54,066
It was brilliant.
417
00:28:54,115 --> 00:28:56,390
They buried me under a Womble mountain.
418
00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,990
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