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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,795 --> 00:00:29,583 (TV) But yes, they could have been made in South Wales. 2 00:00:29,635 --> 00:00:34,390 What more can we say? Date... 1850, we were hoping you were going to say, 3 00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:37,427 in the Regency style but a little bit later. 4 00:00:37,475 --> 00:00:40,308 When it came to the price you said eleven. 5 00:00:40,355 --> 00:00:46,430 And to be honest, I've got down here anything between ten and twelve. 6 00:00:46,475 --> 00:00:49,148 So, it's two points, Mark. 7 00:00:51,195 --> 00:00:53,231 I wouldn't bother watching this. It's rubbish. 8 00:00:53,275 --> 00:00:55,266 I don't mind. 9 00:00:56,595 --> 00:00:59,348 Now we have on display some buried treasure... 10 00:00:59,395 --> 00:01:02,546 How long do you reckon you'll be sitting there? 11 00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,586 I don't know. 12 00:01:06,515 --> 00:01:08,585 - Have you got the remote? - What for? 13 00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:11,468 - The telly's a bit dark. - That's how I like it. 14 00:01:11,515 --> 00:01:13,506 You can't see their faces. 15 00:01:13,555 --> 00:01:18,913 You've only been here a couple of days. Already fiddling with the brightness on my telly. 16 00:01:18,955 --> 00:01:22,709 I had a lot of people look at this flat. I could have gone for the lawyer. 17 00:01:23,315 --> 00:01:27,752 It's a great view, yeah. And on a clear day... 18 00:01:27,795 --> 00:01:30,184 you can see right across town. 19 00:01:30,235 --> 00:01:32,351 Oi! 20 00:01:32,395 --> 00:01:34,386 If you like that sort of thing. 21 00:01:34,435 --> 00:01:37,871 - What's the matter? - Oh, someone on Rollerblades. 22 00:01:37,915 --> 00:01:40,270 - They can be a nuisance. - Can they? 23 00:01:40,315 --> 00:01:42,829 I just try and distract them. See if they fall over. 24 00:01:42,875 --> 00:01:46,345 I do it to Rollerbladers, skateboarders, cyclists. 25 00:01:46,395 --> 00:01:50,593 - I'm a cyclist. - Oh, you'd better watch yourself. 26 00:01:50,635 --> 00:01:55,026 I didn't like him much. Or his mode of transport. 27 00:01:57,115 --> 00:01:59,868 And there was something about his teeth. 28 00:01:59,915 --> 00:02:02,304 They were a bit...sort of low. 29 00:02:02,355 --> 00:02:05,631 (TV) There is some good news and a bit of bad news... 30 00:02:07,915 --> 00:02:09,906 Oi! 31 00:02:13,875 --> 00:02:16,435 Course, I could have just gone for the actress. 32 00:02:16,475 --> 00:02:18,466 So what do you do for a living? 33 00:02:18,515 --> 00:02:22,508 - I'm an actress. - Ooh! Oh! Actress! 34 00:02:22,555 --> 00:02:24,511 Have you worked ever? 35 00:02:24,555 --> 00:02:26,944 - I was in a musical. - Which one? 36 00:02:26,995 --> 00:02:30,351 - Cats. - That's funny. I'm allergic to cats. 37 00:02:30,395 --> 00:02:34,468 Not the musical, I mean real cats. You just dress up as a cat. 38 00:02:34,515 --> 00:02:36,949 If you want, I'll put a flap in the door. 39 00:02:36,995 --> 00:02:39,190 - No, I'm not a cat. - No, no. 40 00:02:39,235 --> 00:02:42,466 I'm surprised they use real actresses in those cat costumes. 41 00:02:42,515 --> 00:02:46,394 They could just dress up members of the public. No one would know. 42 00:02:46,435 --> 00:02:51,065 Yes they would. It's not just people standing around in cat costumes. 43 00:02:51,115 --> 00:02:54,710 We have to sing and dance and each cat has an individual character. 44 00:02:54,755 --> 00:02:58,907 Sorry. Sit down. Have a cup of tea. See if you like the place. 45 00:02:58,955 --> 00:03:01,025 - No more cat jokes. - Promise. 46 00:03:01,075 --> 00:03:03,350 Milk? In your tea. 47 00:03:03,395 --> 00:03:05,386 Yeah. 48 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:08,791 Do you ever get annoyed at those PG Tips chimps? 49 00:03:08,835 --> 00:03:11,986 They're not real actors like you. They're just chimps. 50 00:03:12,035 --> 00:03:14,026 (TV, indistinct) 51 00:03:17,555 --> 00:03:20,911 Do you think you'll be sitting there most nights? 52 00:03:20,955 --> 00:03:22,866 I suppose so. 53 00:03:22,915 --> 00:03:25,429 It's nice to watch telly in peace. 54 00:03:25,475 --> 00:03:28,433 Round our house, our Barry would wanna watch football, 55 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:30,591 Whitney would want Changing Rooms, 56 00:03:30,635 --> 00:03:33,547 Ryan would want The Bill, Keisha loves EastEnders, 57 00:03:33,595 --> 00:03:36,871 Gordon loves the news, Mercedes wants the Shopping Channel, 58 00:03:36,915 --> 00:03:39,554 - How many of you are there? - Eleven. 59 00:03:43,595 --> 00:03:46,473 They won't all be coming round, will they? 60 00:03:46,515 --> 00:03:48,506 I don't know. 61 00:03:53,035 --> 00:03:55,185 - This isn't going to work. - What? 62 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:59,626 We've made a massive mistake. You'e fiddling with the telly, hogging the sofa. 63 00:03:59,675 --> 00:04:03,031 - Next you'll be using my Club Card. - I've got a Reward Card. 64 00:04:03,075 --> 00:04:05,794 - How long have you had that? - Hour and a half. 65 00:04:05,835 --> 00:04:08,303 - How many points you got? - Nine. 66 00:04:09,355 --> 00:04:12,950 Three years, mate. 17,000 points. 67 00:04:12,995 --> 00:04:16,112 That's loyalty, yeah? 68 00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:19,943 Actually, hold on. If you use my card, I get the points. 69 00:04:19,995 --> 00:04:22,384 OK. OK, right. Yeah. 70 00:04:22,435 --> 00:04:26,826 OK, you can stay, as long as you use this card when you go shopping. 71 00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:28,866 - OK. - Yeah? 72 00:04:28,915 --> 00:04:33,705 - So from now on, this flat is loyal to one card. - OK. Yeah. 73 00:04:33,755 --> 00:04:36,064 - What are you doing? - High fives. 74 00:04:36,115 --> 00:04:38,106 No, no, no, no. 75 00:04:38,155 --> 00:04:40,350 No funny handshakes. Not in this... No. 76 00:04:40,395 --> 00:04:42,989 - Just no physical stuff, yeah? - Yeah. 77 00:04:43,035 --> 00:04:45,026 No back slaps, nothing like that. 78 00:04:45,075 --> 00:04:48,431 Don't ever touch, shake or catch any part of me, ever. 79 00:04:50,195 --> 00:04:54,074 If I'm on fire, don't put me out. Let me burn. 80 00:04:54,115 --> 00:04:56,310 We'll get on fine. 81 00:04:57,395 --> 00:04:59,386 Is that your mum? 82 00:05:00,435 --> 00:05:02,426 No. I don't know who that is. 83 00:05:03,475 --> 00:05:06,273 - Just get it when you buy the wallet. - Oh. 84 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:14,863 - Where are you off to? - Going to see Nan. 85 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,554 Before you go, me and your dad need a word. 86 00:05:17,595 --> 00:05:19,790 It's about your nan. 87 00:05:24,235 --> 00:05:27,227 It's her teeth, son. They're false. 88 00:05:27,275 --> 00:05:30,551 - Hey? - And she's got a built-up shoe. 89 00:05:30,595 --> 00:05:32,586 So? 90 00:05:32,635 --> 00:05:38,232 Her tights...they ain't tights. They stop below the knee. 91 00:05:38,275 --> 00:05:40,266 Why are you saying all this? 92 00:05:40,315 --> 00:05:42,829 Her real hair isn't blue. 93 00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:47,744 You know the money she gives you for Christmas? It ain't legal tender. 94 00:05:47,795 --> 00:05:49,592 I don't care! 95 00:05:49,635 --> 00:05:52,866 Jason, you're making this very difficult for us. 96 00:05:52,915 --> 00:05:55,793 She doesn't cook. Her meals are delivered. 97 00:05:55,835 --> 00:05:59,953 - She's got three pairs of glasses. - She keeps bits of soap in a cup. 98 00:05:59,995 --> 00:06:04,352 Stop it! Why are you saying these things? 99 00:06:04,395 --> 00:06:08,388 We just wanted you to know, your nan ain't all she's cracked up to be. 100 00:06:17,035 --> 00:06:18,434 (Blows whistle ) 101 00:06:18,475 --> 00:06:21,592 - Oi. No urinating in the pool. - I wasn't! 102 00:06:21,635 --> 00:06:24,672 You're seven years old. You're bound to be. 103 00:06:27,195 --> 00:06:29,709 - All right? - Yeah. 104 00:06:29,755 --> 00:06:32,110 Bored. 105 00:06:32,955 --> 00:06:37,471 Since they closed those diving boards, this job has got very dull. 106 00:06:40,195 --> 00:06:43,471 I remember once, a fella jumped off the top board, 107 00:06:43,515 --> 00:06:45,983 then someone jumped off the middle board. 108 00:06:46,035 --> 00:06:49,471 They both landed on the springboard and went back to the top board. 109 00:06:49,515 --> 00:06:51,506 Incredible. 110 00:06:53,395 --> 00:06:56,273 - What? - I told you that yesterday. 111 00:06:56,315 --> 00:07:00,308 They didn't land on the springboard. They went straight in the pool. 112 00:07:09,835 --> 00:07:10,824 (Blows whistle ) 113 00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:13,025 Stay in your lane! You're veering off to the left. 114 00:07:13,075 --> 00:07:15,066 I've only got one arm. 115 00:07:15,115 --> 00:07:16,946 Only use one leg, then! 116 00:07:22,155 --> 00:07:24,749 - (Thud) - Ah! Ah! 117 00:07:24,795 --> 00:07:26,626 Who put that there? 118 00:07:26,675 --> 00:07:29,985 Ah! Ah! Oh! 119 00:07:30,035 --> 00:07:32,071 Shit! 120 00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:36,186 Errol! Errol! 121 00:07:36,235 --> 00:07:40,114 Errol! Could you chuck us the remote? I threw it at Les Dennis. 122 00:07:41,155 --> 00:07:43,146 Here you go. 123 00:07:43,195 --> 00:07:46,232 Oh, and that cushion that's just down there. 124 00:07:50,435 --> 00:07:52,665 Oh, and them crisps. 125 00:07:55,955 --> 00:07:57,946 - Do you want me to open... - No, no, no. 126 00:07:57,995 --> 00:08:01,783 Oh, and put those tissues in the bin. Ta. Thanks. 127 00:08:05,315 --> 00:08:08,193 Oh, next time could you get seedless? 128 00:08:08,235 --> 00:08:10,430 These are a bit... 129 00:08:10,475 --> 00:08:14,309 And a copy of Loot. Let's sell the sofa and get something else. 130 00:08:14,355 --> 00:08:16,823 It's a bit early for Family Fortunes. 131 00:08:16,875 --> 00:08:19,673 I tape it and watch it when I'm in the mood. 132 00:08:19,715 --> 00:08:22,104 I've seen this one. It's dead funny. 133 00:08:22,155 --> 00:08:24,589 They ask you what food you eat at Christmas. 134 00:08:24,635 --> 00:08:27,308 - Top answer's turkey, yeah? - Yeah. 135 00:08:29,395 --> 00:08:33,149 - What do the family say? - Turkey! (Laughs ) 136 00:08:34,155 --> 00:08:36,146 They win a car! 137 00:08:39,795 --> 00:08:41,786 Who are you talking to out there? 138 00:08:41,835 --> 00:08:46,192 Oh, I'm making a tape for me mum. Letting her know how I'm getting on. 139 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:50,148 There's no point ringing. The phone's always engaged. 140 00:08:50,195 --> 00:08:52,550 - Big family. - Yeah. 141 00:08:52,595 --> 00:08:56,190 A friend's got the same problem. His number's similar to a chat line. 142 00:08:56,235 --> 00:09:00,194 He spends most of his days telling single men to piss off! 143 00:09:06,515 --> 00:09:08,506 What's the matter? 144 00:09:08,555 --> 00:09:11,945 Nothing. I'll just finish me tape. 145 00:09:18,555 --> 00:09:22,389 (Woman ) They're not shut properly. Will you close the curtains? 146 00:09:22,435 --> 00:09:24,426 Just close 'em! 147 00:09:24,475 --> 00:09:27,672 - No, you haven't done it properly. - Oh, all right. 148 00:09:27,715 --> 00:09:31,424 Still no. I can see the light. Close 'em! 149 00:09:31,475 --> 00:09:34,990 - Oh, it don't matter! - It do matter! 150 00:09:35,035 --> 00:09:37,185 Come on, darlin'! 151 00:09:37,235 --> 00:09:40,545 Close 'em cos I'm not doing nothing till they're closed. 152 00:09:40,595 --> 00:09:42,392 Don't worry about it! 153 00:09:42,435 --> 00:09:44,426 I like chunky birds! 154 00:09:45,875 --> 00:09:48,594 Hello, Mum. It's your third youngest here. 155 00:09:48,635 --> 00:09:50,990 Errol. The Chinese one. 156 00:09:51,035 --> 00:09:54,186 How are you all?. Did Barry get that job? 157 00:09:54,235 --> 00:09:56,385 He's the one with the lisp. 158 00:09:56,435 --> 00:09:59,393 I hope so. I like him. 159 00:09:59,435 --> 00:10:03,508 Well, I'm living in a tower block. My flatmate's name's Vince. 160 00:10:03,555 --> 00:10:06,991 He's all right. He seems a bit confused. 161 00:10:07,035 --> 00:10:10,789 Yesterday I told him about Uncle Ray's phone number problem. 162 00:10:10,835 --> 00:10:13,633 He's just told it back to me as if it was his story. 163 00:10:13,675 --> 00:10:15,347 Errol! 164 00:10:15,395 --> 00:10:18,626 Errol! Errol! 165 00:10:18,675 --> 00:10:20,825 - Have you been disloyal?. - Eh? 166 00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:23,992 - Where'd you buy these crisps? - Corner shop. 167 00:10:24,035 --> 00:10:27,744 I knew it. They're stale. Will you take them back? 168 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,309 - I'm popping out later. - Take them back now. 169 00:10:30,355 --> 00:10:33,950 - I'm finishing my tape. - Take them back or I'll eat them. 170 00:10:33,995 --> 00:10:37,544 - But they're stale. - Exactly. I don't want to eat stale crisps. 171 00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:41,383 And tell him, ''Have I got mug written on my forehead?'' 172 00:10:41,435 --> 00:10:44,472 Get right close up to his face and let him know 173 00:10:44,515 --> 00:10:48,428 - he's not dealing with a mug. - I can't get as angry as you can. 174 00:10:48,475 --> 00:10:51,353 - Not about crisps. - It's not about crisps. 175 00:10:51,395 --> 00:10:53,386 It is. 176 00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:55,744 (Sighs ) OK, well, take a photo of me 177 00:10:55,795 --> 00:10:59,231 so you can point to my face when you're doing the mug bit. 178 00:10:59,275 --> 00:11:01,470 Hang on. 179 00:11:07,635 --> 00:11:10,707 You tell him on tape and I'll play it back to him. 180 00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:15,748 All right. But you'll have to learn to stand up for yourself. 181 00:11:15,795 --> 00:11:17,786 But I'm standing up for you. 182 00:11:17,835 --> 00:11:20,588 - Have you got a photo? - No. 183 00:11:20,635 --> 00:11:23,593 - There's probably one up there. - Oh. 184 00:11:25,675 --> 00:11:28,064 Hm. Is that your family? 185 00:11:28,115 --> 00:11:30,868 No. I don't know who they are. Use that. 186 00:11:30,915 --> 00:11:32,906 Who do you want to be? 187 00:11:32,955 --> 00:11:35,628 (Sighs ) Erm... 188 00:11:35,675 --> 00:11:37,745 - The blond one, centre parting. - OK. 189 00:11:37,795 --> 00:11:41,947 No, no, no. He's too short. The one with the brown hair. 190 00:11:41,995 --> 00:11:43,986 All right. 191 00:11:44,035 --> 00:11:46,993 Hello. We bought these crisps. Turn it off. 192 00:11:47,035 --> 00:11:50,630 At this point you hold up the crisps, right? Carry on. 193 00:11:50,675 --> 00:11:54,987 They're stale. Horrible. How dare you sell out-of-date crisps! 194 00:11:55,035 --> 00:11:57,595 Have I got mug written on my forehead? 195 00:11:57,635 --> 00:11:59,830 - Then you point to me. - Yeah. 196 00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:06,104 You should be ashamed of yourself. What next? Out-of-date newspapers? 197 00:12:06,155 --> 00:12:09,750 - And you could point to a newspaper. - OK. 198 00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:11,990 I mean, how hard is it to run a shop? 199 00:12:21,315 --> 00:12:25,194 Sofa for sale. Orange. 200 00:12:26,235 --> 00:12:28,829 Two-seater. Hundred quid. 201 00:12:31,435 --> 00:12:35,030 How many words have I got left? Better not waste it. 202 00:12:35,075 --> 00:12:37,066 Just put... 203 00:12:38,195 --> 00:12:40,186 Tadpole. 204 00:12:41,835 --> 00:12:44,224 There's some real bargains in here. 205 00:12:45,275 --> 00:12:49,632 ''50 CDs, all hit albums, �85. Nipple.'' 206 00:12:52,715 --> 00:12:57,743 ''Rollerblades, gold and black, as new, �40. Butterscotch.'' 207 00:12:58,835 --> 00:13:01,065 Oi! 208 00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:03,106 You never know. 209 00:13:04,355 --> 00:13:06,152 Oh, look at this. 210 00:13:06,195 --> 00:13:09,267 ''Much loved three-seat sofa, ideal for kids to play on, 211 00:13:09,315 --> 00:13:11,306 ''or dog to give birth.'' 212 00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:13,346 No, we're not getting another sofa. 213 00:13:13,395 --> 00:13:17,149 We get separate chairs and you know, get on better. 214 00:13:18,355 --> 00:13:24,385 ''Wedding dress, size 18, never worn, �150. 215 00:13:24,435 --> 00:13:25,629 ''Bastard.'' 216 00:13:25,675 --> 00:13:26,994 (Sizzling) 217 00:13:27,035 --> 00:13:28,707 Ah! 218 00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:33,590 Ah! Ooh! Oh! 219 00:13:37,435 --> 00:13:40,711 (Tape ) Hello, son, it's your mum. Glad you're settled in London. 220 00:13:40,755 --> 00:13:44,145 Thought I'd cheer you up with one of me tapes, tell you what's going on. 221 00:13:44,195 --> 00:13:48,029 The cat's dead, your auntie's in hospital, the boiler blew up, 222 00:13:48,075 --> 00:13:51,750 Kerry's pregnant, drains are blocked, Gordon's bisexual, 223 00:13:51,795 --> 00:13:54,514 the mice have gone, Tania made a scarf, 224 00:13:54,555 --> 00:13:57,274 Ryan's now a sergeant but he's gone bald, 225 00:13:57,315 --> 00:13:59,704 Whitney's stupid, not dyslexic, 226 00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:03,270 Gerry's gone Muslim and I've started the change. That's it, really. 227 00:14:03,315 --> 00:14:07,069 Hope you'll be all right in London. Everyone says hiya. 228 00:14:07,115 --> 00:14:11,666 Keisha says can you buy something from Harrods and send her the bag. 229 00:14:11,715 --> 00:14:13,945 - Errol! - Hiya. 230 00:14:14,835 --> 00:14:16,826 Is your leg better? 231 00:14:16,875 --> 00:14:19,833 No. I got a minicab down to Tescos. 232 00:14:19,875 --> 00:14:23,231 Thought I'd treat myself to a few loyalty points. 233 00:14:23,275 --> 00:14:25,835 Look at that. Filipino honky fruit. 234 00:14:25,875 --> 00:14:27,991 300 points. 235 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,674 - What's it taste like? - Don't know. 236 00:14:31,715 --> 00:14:33,706 I don't really care. 237 00:14:33,755 --> 00:14:35,746 - Oi! - (Crash) 238 00:14:35,795 --> 00:14:37,786 Yes! Agh! 239 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:40,065 This is one of those perfect days. 240 00:14:40,115 --> 00:14:44,188 I bet you any minute now the fella opposite is gonna come round 241 00:14:44,235 --> 00:14:46,624 and admit to moving the doormat. 242 00:14:50,755 --> 00:14:53,030 You look a bit red round the eyes. 243 00:14:53,075 --> 00:14:55,066 Been staring at the microwave? 244 00:14:55,115 --> 00:14:57,504 - No. - You want to be careful. 245 00:14:57,555 --> 00:15:00,194 A mate of mine cooked his own eyeballs 246 00:15:00,235 --> 00:15:03,227 watching baked potatoes heat up. 247 00:15:03,275 --> 00:15:05,470 Silly bugger. 248 00:15:05,515 --> 00:15:08,552 That was in the paper yesterday. 249 00:15:08,595 --> 00:15:11,234 And it was a woman from Derby. 250 00:15:11,275 --> 00:15:14,233 It wasn't baked potatoes, it were pasties. 251 00:15:14,275 --> 00:15:17,073 - I don't think so, Errol. - You read it out. 252 00:15:17,115 --> 00:15:19,993 Oh, you can remember that, can you? 253 00:15:20,035 --> 00:15:23,710 Well, yeah. You came into my room and turned the light on. 254 00:15:23,755 --> 00:15:27,668 I suppose it is a bit similar to what happened to my friend. 255 00:15:27,715 --> 00:15:29,706 What is wrong with your eyes? 256 00:15:29,755 --> 00:15:33,668 I think I've strained them. They're not used to your telly. 257 00:15:33,715 --> 00:15:36,991 - Is it on? - Yeah, I just turned the sound down. 258 00:15:39,075 --> 00:15:41,748 (Racing commentary on television ) 259 00:15:41,795 --> 00:15:45,105 - I didn't know you were a gambler. - I'm not. 260 00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:48,306 I just like watching the midgets on horseback. 261 00:15:49,355 --> 00:15:52,745 Don't you think you ever know which one's gonna win? 262 00:15:52,795 --> 00:15:54,990 Not on your telly. 263 00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:58,953 Come on, let's have the brightness up. 264 00:16:00,755 --> 00:16:04,350 - Thanks, Vince. - I said don't touch me! 265 00:16:05,395 --> 00:16:07,989 You had to spoil it, didn't you? 266 00:16:13,435 --> 00:16:15,824 ( The Shadows:: Apache ) 267 00:16:25,155 --> 00:16:27,749 (Mum, on tape ) Ooh, I miss you, son. 268 00:16:29,835 --> 00:16:31,427 (Door buzzer) 269 00:16:34,875 --> 00:16:36,672 Where is it? 270 00:16:36,715 --> 00:16:38,751 - Have you come about the sofa? - Yeah. 271 00:16:38,795 --> 00:16:41,707 Sorry. I don't allow smoking in my flat. 272 00:16:41,755 --> 00:16:43,825 All right. I'll finish it here. 273 00:16:43,875 --> 00:16:45,866 Sorry, I just don't like it. It's... 274 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,866 (Clears throat) 275 00:16:58,195 --> 00:17:01,426 Good value though, aren't they, those Superkings. 276 00:17:01,475 --> 00:17:04,273 They're not Superkings. They're Extra Longs. 277 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:07,546 Right. Is there a difference? 278 00:17:07,595 --> 00:17:10,155 Yeah. About four puffs. 279 00:17:15,595 --> 00:17:18,667 You're gonna be ages, aren't you? 280 00:17:18,715 --> 00:17:22,105 Why don't you just come through when you're ready? 281 00:17:26,395 --> 00:17:28,784 ( Apache continues) 282 00:17:49,075 --> 00:17:52,829 - It's seen better days. - Yeah, I've dished out a few... 283 00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:55,309 - It's very comfortable. - How much? 284 00:17:55,355 --> 00:17:58,506 - 100? - 100 quid for this? 285 00:17:58,555 --> 00:18:01,274 - Is it flammable? - I don't know. 286 00:18:01,315 --> 00:18:03,954 - Do you want it? - 25 quid. 287 00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:05,986 - 99. - That's not bargaining, 288 00:18:06,035 --> 00:18:08,424 you middle-class ponce. 289 00:18:08,475 --> 00:18:11,035 - 30. - I'm not middle-class! 290 00:18:11,075 --> 00:18:13,305 - 90. - Course you are. 291 00:18:13,355 --> 00:18:17,473 - Look at your fruit bowl. 35. - They were on special offer. 80. 292 00:18:17,515 --> 00:18:20,632 You haven't even got your telly on. 40. 293 00:18:20,675 --> 00:18:22,984 I was reading a book. 70. 294 00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,832 Gotcha. 45. 295 00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:27,912 When I say book I mean car manual. 60? 296 00:18:27,955 --> 00:18:31,027 What was it for? A Bentley? 50. 297 00:18:31,075 --> 00:18:33,270 50, yeah. OK. OK. Yeah. 50. 298 00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,270 I'll pick it up tomorrow. 299 00:18:38,315 --> 00:18:40,465 No, no, you've got to take it now. 300 00:18:40,515 --> 00:18:43,075 But I'm on me own. I haven't got me van. 301 00:18:43,115 --> 00:18:47,427 It's not my problem. I don't want your sofa cluttering up my room. 302 00:18:47,475 --> 00:18:50,512 I live here. This isn't some lock-up garage. 303 00:18:50,555 --> 00:18:53,911 You can't just dump furniture in the middle of my flat. 304 00:18:53,955 --> 00:18:56,230 All right. I'll take it now. 305 00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,866 I'll get out of your way. 306 00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:03,670 There you are. 307 00:19:07,155 --> 00:19:09,146 Mind that. It's old. 308 00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,906 ( Apache continues ) 309 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,910 - (Turns music off) - Thanks. 310 00:20:06,235 --> 00:20:07,987 Oi! 311 00:20:08,035 --> 00:20:12,028 You got my Club Card! The Club Card! 312 00:20:30,995 --> 00:20:33,384 ( Propellerheads:: Bang OnI) 313 00:21:51,115 --> 00:21:53,185 (Music stops ) 314 00:22:08,515 --> 00:22:10,710 (Music resumes ) 315 00:22:32,915 --> 00:22:34,906 Errol?. 316 00:22:38,955 --> 00:22:42,630 - What happened to loyalty? - It's not for me, it's for me sister. 317 00:22:42,675 --> 00:22:45,792 She wanted something from Harrods. 318 00:22:45,835 --> 00:22:49,464 - A pint of milk? - No, she just wants the bag. 319 00:22:49,515 --> 00:22:52,313 You went all the way to Harrods to get a carrier bag? 320 00:22:52,355 --> 00:22:56,109 It's worth it. Should see her face when she gets a new bag. 321 00:22:56,155 --> 00:22:59,909 Yeah, I heard 43. 43 what? 322 00:22:59,955 --> 00:23:02,389 What street? 323 00:23:02,435 --> 00:23:04,744 You don't know what street you are? 324 00:23:04,795 --> 00:23:09,391 - Why don't you ask her? - She won't give it back to me. 325 00:23:09,435 --> 00:23:12,074 - Just go in there, sit down... - Why me? 326 00:23:12,115 --> 00:23:15,824 She hates my guts. She thinks I'm Lord Snooty. 327 00:23:16,875 --> 00:23:19,833 Please, it's for my Club Card. Please. 328 00:23:19,875 --> 00:23:21,866 OK. 329 00:23:24,115 --> 00:23:28,427 I said, ''Adrian, look out the window. What's it like?'' 330 00:23:28,475 --> 00:23:31,148 He said, ''I don't know, Mum. It's dark.'' 331 00:23:31,195 --> 00:23:34,267 - He's 28! - (All laugh) 332 00:23:44,755 --> 00:23:46,711 Errol! 333 00:23:47,155 --> 00:23:51,546 What's...? Where are you...? Where are you going? 334 00:23:52,715 --> 00:23:58,665 Sorry, we don't pick up single gentlemen unless they come into the office. 335 00:23:58,715 --> 00:24:01,388 - Yeah, and you. - (Phone ) 336 00:24:01,435 --> 00:24:03,426 Mama Cabs. 337 00:24:03,475 --> 00:24:06,592 It's on it's way. It'll be there any minute. 338 00:24:07,635 --> 00:24:09,751 Brenda, where are you? 339 00:24:09,795 --> 00:24:11,945 I've just come off the roundabout. 340 00:24:11,995 --> 00:24:13,986 Where are you? 341 00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:16,026 ETA two minutes. Over. 342 00:24:16,075 --> 00:24:18,589 - You want a cab? - Yeah, yeah. 343 00:24:18,635 --> 00:24:22,389 I'm waiting for my girlfriend. Lives around the corner. 344 00:24:22,435 --> 00:24:24,426 Buy her some honey. 345 00:24:25,555 --> 00:24:27,546 Ahem. 346 00:24:33,635 --> 00:24:37,344 - What do think you're doing, boy? - Sorry. Just getting comfortable. 347 00:24:37,395 --> 00:24:39,386 My leg. 348 00:24:45,075 --> 00:24:47,145 - You're trying to touch my bottom! - No! 349 00:24:47,195 --> 00:24:51,234 - Maxy, we have a pervert here. - What are you doing here? 350 00:24:51,275 --> 00:24:53,391 I was looking for my wallet. 351 00:24:53,435 --> 00:24:55,630 - Shut up! - Pervert! 352 00:24:55,675 --> 00:25:00,795 I'm so sorry I made you push the sofa. But my wallet's in here somewhere. 353 00:25:00,835 --> 00:25:03,474 Pathetic, isn't he? Just like Hugh Grant. 354 00:25:03,515 --> 00:25:06,154 ''I'm so sorry I made you push the sofa''! 355 00:25:06,195 --> 00:25:08,993 - Pervert. - I'm nothing like Hugh Grant. 356 00:25:09,035 --> 00:25:12,630 - I work at the swimming baths. - He buys his milk from Harrods. 357 00:25:12,675 --> 00:25:14,666 Ooh! 358 00:25:14,715 --> 00:25:18,230 It's not my bag. It belongs to... It doesn't matter. 359 00:25:18,275 --> 00:25:22,348 Look, I've come to look for my wallet. It's stuck in the sofa. 360 00:25:22,395 --> 00:25:25,353 Where's... 361 00:25:25,395 --> 00:25:28,193 - My wallet! - What's in it? 362 00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:31,625 - My Tesco Club card. - Anything else? 363 00:25:31,675 --> 00:25:34,872 - There'd be a fiver in there. - Anything else? 364 00:25:35,915 --> 00:25:38,554 Oh, a picture of a little old lady. 365 00:25:38,595 --> 00:25:41,348 It's my mum. I take it with me everywhere. 366 00:25:43,275 --> 00:25:45,948 - That's mine as well. - A lot of people sit here. 367 00:25:45,995 --> 00:25:49,544 - Could belong to anybody. - No, there's a message from my mum. 368 00:25:49,595 --> 00:25:52,587 Oh, I miss you, son. 369 00:25:52,635 --> 00:25:55,991 It seems like yesterday I had you in me arms. 370 00:25:56,035 --> 00:25:59,948 I want you to be careful down there in London. 371 00:25:59,995 --> 00:26:01,986 I do worry about you. 372 00:26:03,115 --> 00:26:06,391 If I was there now I'd give you a great big kiss and a hug. 373 00:26:06,435 --> 00:26:08,426 No, she wouldn't. No. 374 00:26:08,475 --> 00:26:12,548 I'd let you know that I don't think you're weird or strange. 375 00:26:12,595 --> 00:26:17,271 You're my little boy and I love you. (Sobs) 376 00:26:19,155 --> 00:26:22,545 - Is that your mum? - Yeah. Yeah, love her to bits. 377 00:26:22,595 --> 00:26:26,668 - I don't see enough of my boy. - Them never call. 378 00:26:26,715 --> 00:26:30,754 He got five years just for driving a van. 379 00:26:30,795 --> 00:26:33,628 - Them always busy. - Full of cannabis. 380 00:26:34,515 --> 00:26:38,110 As it happens, you look a little bit like him. 381 00:26:38,155 --> 00:26:41,386 Oh, come here. Give us a cuddle. 382 00:26:41,435 --> 00:26:43,426 - No, I'm fine. - A nice lad. 383 00:26:43,475 --> 00:26:46,547 I'm fine. I don't need a cuddle. It's not necessary. 384 00:26:50,355 --> 00:26:52,311 I really I don't like this. 385 00:26:52,355 --> 00:26:56,064 - What's the matter? - What don't you like? 386 00:26:56,115 --> 00:26:58,504 - Just relax a little. - I don't like this! 387 00:27:02,595 --> 00:27:05,314 I really would like to get out of this... 388 00:27:05,355 --> 00:27:07,744 You lay back and relax. Don't worry. 389 00:27:07,795 --> 00:27:11,310 What happens... You see, you don't realise what... 390 00:27:11,355 --> 00:27:13,425 Calm down now. Calm down. 391 00:27:13,475 --> 00:27:16,069 - No! - Don't worry! 392 00:27:20,915 --> 00:27:23,668 - Calm down. - (Vince screaming) 393 00:27:26,035 --> 00:27:28,788 That's close enough. Put it down there. 394 00:27:28,835 --> 00:27:30,826 Get back. 395 00:27:30,875 --> 00:27:32,866 Further. 396 00:27:41,475 --> 00:27:44,148 Why is it you hate being touched? 397 00:27:47,035 --> 00:27:50,232 - Remember Jim'll Fix It? - (Impersonates Jimmy Saville ) 398 00:27:50,275 --> 00:27:52,311 Yeah. 399 00:27:52,355 --> 00:27:53,754 I wrote in... 400 00:27:53,795 --> 00:27:56,263 asking to meet the Wombles. 401 00:27:56,315 --> 00:27:58,306 I did. 402 00:27:58,355 --> 00:28:00,425 Never meet your heroes, Errol. 403 00:28:01,475 --> 00:28:06,071 They all came running out. Uncle Bulgaria, he slipped. 404 00:28:06,115 --> 00:28:10,427 Fell on top of me. The other Wombles thought it was a game. 405 00:28:10,475 --> 00:28:14,991 They piled on top. Do you remember how many there were? 406 00:28:15,035 --> 00:28:20,393 - Tomsk. Orinoco. - (Errol) Tobermory. 407 00:28:20,435 --> 00:28:22,585 Yeah, that fat bastard. 408 00:28:23,515 --> 00:28:27,667 Within seconds I was buried under a Womble mountain. 409 00:28:29,395 --> 00:28:33,308 They never showed that episode cos I had a panic attack. 410 00:28:34,275 --> 00:28:36,266 I didn't even get a medal. 411 00:28:37,395 --> 00:28:39,386 I'm really sorry to hear that. 412 00:28:41,755 --> 00:28:43,746 Well, now you know. 413 00:28:43,795 --> 00:28:45,786 There we go. 414 00:28:45,835 --> 00:28:49,589 Video proof that I was on Jim'll Fix It with the Wombles. 415 00:28:50,635 --> 00:28:52,034 No! 416 00:28:52,075 --> 00:28:54,066 It was brilliant. 417 00:28:54,115 --> 00:28:56,390 They buried me under a Womble mountain. 418 00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,990 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 32278

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