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- This is it?

There's no turning back now.

Dom's birthday, you gonna meet the rest

of the North Hillers.

- Thirty years strong with you guys, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- That's crazy.

- You nervous?

- No, I'm not nervous.

I just, I don't.

And I've never really had a close knit group like you do.

You know that, so...

- So what would you say then?

- I don't know.

I guess anxious.

Not in a bad way, though.

And perplexed.

- A perplexed, you say, huh.

- Yeah, I mean birthday aside

I'm going to the infamous talent gathering.

- First of all, "infamous" makes it seem

like this is a bad thing.

This is a very good thing.

And secondly, "gathering" sounds like

we're a bunch of Juggalos, and thirdly,

it's a talent show and it's awesome.

- I mean, we'll see.

Okay.

- Yeah, I mean we'll see how talented

these people actually are.

I'm very curious.

- All right, tough guy, all right.

- Have you ever won?

- Well there actually isn't a winner per se,

but you can lose if that makes any sense.

- It one hundred percent does not, but I'll catch on.

Wait, have you ever lost then?

- No, not yet, not yet.

- Well, let's keep that tradition alive.

- Hey, can you see what he said for me, please?

- Yeah.

Um, "Are you guys close?

You're the only ones not here yet.

Also, Elyse is crazy pregnant,

eyes emoji, frowny face, hashtag whoa."

- Wow, Elyse.

Congrats.

Um, can you just let him know

we're like two minutes away, and add a little wit

to that text because you know how witty my texts can be.

-Okay.

And sent with some wit.

- Thank you.

Let me see it.

- You don't trust me?

I trust you with a lot of things,

but personifying my wit is not one of them.

- I am very witty. - Let me see the phone.

- I'm witty, okay? - Just let me see.

Give me the phone! - Nope!

- You're a firecracker, you know that?

- Also, why is Dom

frowny facing Elyse being pregnant?

Isn't that his wife?

- Uh, no, no, no, no.

Lyndsey is his wife.

Elyse is Booker's wife, but Elyse

is the one who I grew up with.

- Okay, well that still doesn't make sense why he's pissed.

- Yeah, he's not pissed.

He's not, he's just, Elyse is usually a really good time,

so she's not gonna be drinking or performing so...

- Well, why can't she perform?

She's just pregnant.

- Nn-nnn, carrying child means no performing.

It's in the by-laws, I didn't write the bylaws.

I didn't write em'.

- You guys are so weird.

So weird.

- Well, you're almost one of us, though.

- Almost?

- One of us, one of us, one of us, one of us.

Gooble Gobble, ya know, ya know?

Okay.

Nothing?

Hey, what's up?

What?

- I'm nervous they're not gonna like me.

- They're not gonna like you, they're gonna love you.

You're so lame.

I can't.

- And we're here.

Come on, baby.

- God, babe. - Oh yeah.

- Oh, I forgot the card.

- Oh, grab my purse.

- Okay.

- Did you sign both our names?

- Obviously not.

It's not from you.

- You're a dick.

Is your phone still back there?

- Um, you know what?

I'm gonna live in the moment tonight.

- I still feel bad for not bringing anything.

I mean, we're guests at their place.

We should have brought something.

- Honey, it's not their place, it's an Airbnb.

So our presence can be their present.

- That was terrible.

- Well, look who decided to show.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that a "Cable Guy" reference?

'Cause that's a deep cut, my man.

- Classic's stay classics.

- That's true, buddy.

- How are you doing, buddy?

- I'm good, buddy, how are you?

- It's good to see ya. - How are you?

- I'm great, I'm great. - Good.

So is this her?

- Uh-huh.

- This is the amazing Emma?

The one T-bone's been hiding from us all this time?

- That is a pretty accurate portrayal

of T-bone, yes.

- T-bone?

Do you guys want me to just leave?

- I could just leave you two.

- Emma, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.

What would you like to do?

Handshake, hug, handshake.

- Nope, it's your birthday, so I'm gonna hug.

Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

- That's assertive.

- I like that.

You're gonna need that when it comes to the voting later.

Tough decisions will need to be made.

- That's what I hear.

- All right, let's see it.

The ring.

- Yes, the ring.

- Oh, here we...

Dang, color me impressed, buddy.

- He did good.

- Yeah, for once.

- For once?

All right.

- Let's move inside to the actual party.

This is a little...

I'm over it.

- Oh my God, what a dick.

- I've been saying that for a year now.

What?

- Emma, look.

Breathe, relax.

Don't worry about remembering anyone's names in there.

Better that way anyway.

- Yeah, Dom doesn't remember his wife's name,

so you're in good company.

- Who?

- Very good. - Did you like that?

- I did like that. - All right, let's go.

- You know what I'm talking about.

- All right, buddy, all right.

- Dom, kitchen, ice, repeat.

Tony.

Love you!

- Now you see why I wanted to hang out there.

Back to work!

So that's Lyndsey.

That's Dom's wife.

- Got it, and she's not from the Hill?

- Correct, yeah.

They've been married now for, God, nine years?

- Hey, guys, shoes on or off?

- Oh, great question, Lynds shoes?

She just gave me a wrist shaking and gesture

and we don't live here. The floors's basically concrete,

so we don't care, Tony.

- We do not care.

- The guy is a cartoon.

- Oh shit!

- Booker.

- I heard you weren't making it this year.

- Oh yeah, and they get docked ten points in the next one?

I don't think so, buddy.

- Booker, Emma, Emma, Booker.

- Hi. - Hey.

I've heard a lot of great things.

Congratulations, you guys.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Congrats to you too, by the way.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was I not supposed to know?

I'm really sorry.

- No, it's okay.

We obviously heard about Elyse, man.

Congratulations.

Baby number two, that's huge.

- Oh, thank you, yeah.

Appreciate it, yeah, thank you.

- I mean, we're very happy for Elyse and very sad for you.

- Tony.

- No, no, no, no.

Because of the talent show.

Dom will explain later, trust me.

- All right, well thank you, asshole.

Come, let's get you introduced more.

- Tony, what the heck, come say hello.

Come on.

- Yes, okay, I'll be right back.

You are in okay hands.

- (laughs) Emma, these are the,

Oh, Emma, these are the...

- Yah.

- Emma?

Emma.

So these are the L's.

This is Lauren and Lucy.

Well I mean like, it's the first letter of their name.

That's why they call them, "The L's."

So that's, I mean it's not because,

I mean, yeah, cause it's a warning.

- Hey, Brian?

I'm sorry, I need you please.

Hi, I'm Elyse.

- Emma.

It's nice to meet you.

You too.

- I'll let you girls mingle, yes.

- We're you being weird?

- Okay, well that was Booker.

Don't mind him, he meant nothing.

Emma, it is so nice to finally meet you.

- You too. - I'm Lucy.

This is my wife, L...

- Oh my god. Don't get up, you look so cozy.

- Hi. - This is my wife, Lauren.

- Hi, you guys, it's nice to meet you both.

- You too.

- Okay, so I'm still doing my best here,

but which one of you guys is the North Hiller?

- Oh, that would be me, yeah.

Big, Tone and I actually go way back.

- Okay, first it was T-bone and now it's big Tone.

- Yeah, who is this guy?

- I was her first kiss.

- Awe, hi, hugs.

- Want me to come down?

- Yes.

- 'Cause we're not gonna get up here from here.

- Hi, how are you? - We're not moving.

- He actually changed my life.

- Okay, I remember it that I knocked your socks off.

- Did you really?

Because you ran away and cried after,

so that doesn't mean...

- Says you.

I don't remember it that way.

- Well that was disgusting.

- I don't remember it that way.

- Are you okay?

- Barrett puking up last night's Cracker Barrel outside.

Hey, it was his choice.

It's his favorite.

- He's just nervous for the show, huh?

- Sure, something like that.

- Ana, this is Emma, Tony's fiance.

- Pleasure.

- Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.

- Hey where's your boner husband?

- Making some last second adjustments to his card.

I'll grab him!

- Go get him Ana!

- I hope you like wine.

- Yes, thank you.

- Don't worry about Ana she's just nervous.

It's her first show and all.

Anyway, Emma, Lyndsey,

it is such a pleasure to meet you.

- You too.

- Oh my goodness, I know that it's like

really crazy right now.

I'm so sorry about that, but I promise you after the show

we will all be so much closer.

- Please don't even worry about it at all.

You're hosting us.

Is there anything that I could do to help you out with?

Anything?

- Bless her heart.

- I know, she's a sweetheart.

I told you that.

- Okay, no, you just have fun and relax.

Let me be the host and you be our guest.

Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test.

- Let's keep that voice for the show, huh?

Come on! Let's go.

- Oh, Lindsey, cards.

- Like six feet behind you, go.

- Thank you.

All right, let's head over.

All right, we'll see you guys in a bit.

Bye, buh-bye.

- So it's Lyndsey Lauren, Lucy, Elyse.

- Mm-hmm.

- The alliteration of your friends is bonkers.

Yeah, I know.

And that's not even including Booker and...

- Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.

- Hey, buddy.

I thought you were skipping this one.

- Thought about it.

Realized it wasn't worth the point deduction.

Besides I've already skipped twice.

Only allowed two more this lifetime.

- That's true.

That's true.

- One, hi, I'm Emma. - Sorry.

- And two, I have no idea what you guys are talking about.

- You will.

Oh, nice to meet you.

How are you?

- I'm good.

- Good, good.

- Barrett.

Hey, have you met Ana yet?

- Yes, I did.

- Okay, yeah, she was basically the you at the last show.

A rookie amongst us veterans, yeah.

Four years later, yada yada yada.

Now she's part of the family.

- No, wait you, "Yada yada yada'd" over the best part.

- No, I mentioned the bisque.

- Hey, hold on to her, okay?

- I'm planning on it.

- Babe cards?

- Yah. Here.

- Hey, chapter rules that newbies votes count doubles,

so vote fair.

- Yeah I will, I will.

- Hey, what about a you guys drinking slash

let's get to know Emma better card game

since we've got some time before the opening ceremonies.

- Yes, definitely.

- Yes!

- Okay.

Oh, what are we playing?

- Hey hey hey.

- Remember, just breathe.

- Right.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll do it with you.

- I trust you.

- Yeah, it's gonna be good.

♪ Have you ever met Miss Lindy ♪

♪ She's the gal with the bright red hair ♪

♪ Now she stands out tomorrow as you'd know her anywhere ♪

♪ Well she's mine, yeah she's mine ♪

♪ Well I love that little girl with the bright red hair ♪

♪ Well Miss Lindy, my Miss Lindy ♪

♪ Well I love that little girl with the bright red hair ♪

♪ Well I love that little girl with the bright red hair ♪

I just, I'd like to first just thank the L's for giving us

this chair, because I understand why

you didn't want to get up earlier.

- He paid us.

He gave us hard cash.

- Well, you now what?

I want to make sure that she's having a good first show.

- That's okay we call next on this!

- This chair is very comfortable!

- There's sign-up sheets...

- I mean I'm not getting up.

I don't even know if I can perform to be honest with you.

I gotta just, oh wait, hey. (shushes)

And we're starting.

- Oh.

Okay!

- There he is!

- It's okay, one second.

(fog machine)

- Wow. - Oh yeah.

Nice.

- Oh, there it is!

- Oh, okay.

- Ya mama!

- You good?

- Hey!

- Alright!

- She made it!

- Ah, good enough right?

- Nice.

Okay, here we go.

I'm nervous.

Benvenuti nel capitolo

ventuno diciannove

un trattino A 37th Talent Carducci Show

dove siamo onorare il grande Augusto

- Is that Italian?

- Mm-hmm.

- ill Eleusian Mysteries

and the Ludi dei tempi antichi.

- This is intense.

You weren't kidding, huh?

- I told ya.

- In English, I, as your chapter lead

and hopeful, eventual, and epoptia.

welcome you all to the thirty-seventh Carducci Talent Show.

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Now for some of you out there,

this is your fifth time performing,

so a big congratulations on making it this far.

Now for our initiate out there,

everybody go ahead and stare at Emma.

I know a lot of this might off a little, I don't know,

awkward, uncomfortable, maybe a little cheesy

and off putting, but a little history lesson here.

This stems from a great tradition set in stone

by Augustus in ancient Rome, inspired

by the theatrical muses bounded by the secular games,

thousands of years ago.

Then true story, my great, great, great grandmother Mary

was chosen to come to America and to bring these games

with her back to...

- I have always said we should have a song or something

there because the chanting, it feels a little cultish.

- You're cultish.

- What?

- All right, come on.

Hey, focus.

- Whatever, okay.

- So Grammy Mary in 1872 had the first ever games here

in America, and they have since evolved

to match our twenty-first century technology and ways.

And here we are.

So I'm gonna do my best to translate this.

Italian's a little rough,

but we're gonna see what I got here.

"We evolve, we change, we grow.

We understand that there's only so much to go around.

Whether it's food, water, the love of family and friends.

Uh, life's hard, cherish it all."

You know, I'm kind of steamrolling here,

but long story short, when things get you down,

you turn to the arts to bring that smile back up.

- Theater nerd.

- You were in the same plays as me in high school.

- Whatever.

- Lauren. Lost my,

- "On this date,"

- Train of... what's happening?

- "On this date,"

- Thank you, thank you sweety. - Mm-hmm.

- Okay, so, on this date of October 10, 2020,

we, the members of the North Hill Chapter Twenty-One

Nineteen, One - A of the Carducci Talent Show

recognize its existence, its tradition, its rituals,

but most importantly its effect on the greater good.

For all those understanding the laws, bylaws, addendums

of the Carducci Talent Show put in place by the Republic

go ahead and throw your arms in the air

like you're going down a roller coaster and yell, "Yeah!"

And if you have no idea, what is happening,

and you're just kind of curious to know

what the fuck is going on,

go ahead and clap once awkwardly for me.

- It'll all make sense soon, I promise.

- AlL right.

In the meantime, our beautiful vestal Lyndsey

is gonna walk us through a couple

of admin tasks for the show.

- Okay, All right, everybody.

So we all know that there has been a big change

for tonight's performance.

I think we all know what's going on.

Elyse why don't you come on up here, girl.

- I like her.

- How are you?

- So good.

- Is there anything new?

- No. - No?

Okay.

- Oh, I'm pregnant.

- You're so cute.

- And how many weeks?

- Twenty-five'ish.

- Wow, all right, well you are definitely good

at keeping secrets.

- Oh yeah.

- As you all know, we are supposed to be dark

on social media for the month leading up to tonight.

So obviously this is new news.

Plus we also know the original Ludi

called for nine performers,

each one of them performing a different muses domain.

AKA all of us, minus Emma.

Now, according to the chapter bylaws,

if a chapter member is pregnant,

regardless of how far along she is in her pregnancy,

she may not participate in the contest.

And unfortunately,

- This is so weird.

- their significant other or partner

will take a ten point deduction,

- Kinda mesmerizing though, right?

- or the pregnant party can take

a twenty point deduction in four years.

- Just be, behave yourself.

I know sorry.

- Sorry babe.

- All good.

- Anyway, so since you are not participating tonight, Elyse,

why don't you go ahead and get everybody up to date

on all the rules and regulations.

And guess what everybody.

I learned how to Chromecast this shit.

- Whoa, there they are.

- (laughs) There they are.

So, some main rules for you guys.

Each participant is given three minutes max to perform.

- This is bananas.

- Well if we didn't have any rules it'd be anarchy in here.

- Both of the running order and domain performances,

- I know that this is like crazy,

- which are going to be different

from the previous two shows,

- I just figured you would have prepped me

a little bit more.

- have been predetermined by the Republic,

sent to the chapter lead,

- You gotta come in fresh to this, trust me.

- and will be revealed here in a little bit.

Emma, basically, that just means

that nobody actually even knows what they're doing yet.

Okay, so emblems and props are allowed,

however you are not allowed to interact

with any other members, and flash photography

or video of any kind are not allowed.

- Okay, well, why haven't you told me

what you may be performing?

- And as we all know, any discussion

of any potential talent prior

to tonight's show can result in a thirty point deduction

for tonight, as well as in 2024.

- That's why.

Each participant will be graded on the following,

- Sorry.

- originality, showmanship, passion and overall talent.

One, ya suck, ten, you're great.

Lowest overall score, including any deductions

from previous performances, so Barrett, sorry, you lose.

- Yeah, I know.

Pretty standard Iowa basic stuff here, guys.

Please feel free to take notes during the show,

- How you doing?

- but voting will not occur until the conclusion

of the final performance.

Oh, and then gentle reminder, Emma,

your votes count for double.

All right, any questions?

Wonderful.

If you do have any, we have the absolutely lovely

Chapter Twenty-one Nineteen One A,

official charter book right here

to answer any of your lingering questions.

- Let's fucking do this.

- Yes!

- Overcompensating, Barrett?

- Shut up, Booker.

You know there can be a biased voting, right?

- What happens if you lose?

- Oh, we forgot.

Congratulations, you guys.

To the happy couple.

- Yes, thank you, thank you.

I'm a lucky man, I'm a lucky man.

- All all right, all right, everyone.

Why don't we just take a few minutes to wish all

of each other good luck or bad luck and take a minute

to think about what you're performing,

and then you will come back here in five minutes for the,

- Ludi Scaenici

- Sorry.

- Was the smoke too much for this house?

- No, no, no, no, it was awesome.

People loved it.

I feel like they don't even need to see the show now,

'cause it was so good.

- Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.

- What?

- I love you.

- What?

- I just, I love you.

I mean, it's not, it's not easy to come here

and do something like this, but you just jumped right in.

- You're welcome?

- Okay, I um, I gotta get ready.

I need a little alone time.

- You do that.

- Okay, I'll be right back.

- Okay.

- And, you wanna...

- I love you too.

- Thank you.

That's all I ask.

- Oh God.

(Emma laughs)

- Tony.

Thalia.

- All right, my muse is Thalia the muse of comedy.

That being said, this is Tom Hanks

as Woody in Toy Story, getting cheated on. (clears throat)

Uh, hey Buzz, you wanna go hang out,

oh no, Bo Peep, why?

(crowd laughs and cheers)

- Yah!

(upbeat guitar music plays)

- I seen a rainbow yesterday.

Too many storms have come and gone leaving

a trace of not one God given right.

- ♪ Don't you be wasting all your money ♪

- One baby is a patient baby and waits indefinitely.

- Farewell, I am gone, though I am here.

There is no loving you.

May I pray you let me go?

♪ For my love open the door ♪

- This is Billy Crystal teaching a religion class.

- ♪ Let my love open the door ♪

- We're not gonna talk about the Old Testament,

it's too morbid!

- One guy catches his wife in bed with another man.

Shoots the wife, shoots the other guy,

cops show up, now the cops and the guy have a shootout.

- ♪ Love can cure your problem ♪

♪ You're so lucky I'm around ♪

- My only bleeding hope is for the folk, who can't cope.

- ♪ Don't you be using every minute ♪

- What's better in hand until they come

to take hands and then...

- The other baby is an impatient baby.

- With public accusation uncover slander.

- And then the door closes.

- ♪ Let my love open the door to your heart ♪

- This is Ray Liotta watching The Jetsons.

- ♪ Baby, baby, baby spend your time on me ♪

- You have to be there all the time

- Hope's in coming true.

Believe in yourself, the rest is up to me and you.

- It's in the future.

- Shit, can you double check these for me, please?

- Yeah.

- (laughs) Afraid you lost or something?

Where are you so quiet?

You were great.

Babe, I am not even being biased.

You crushed it.

- Thank you.

- You were so good.

- Thank you, thank you, but there are

seven other people to consider, hun.

- (laughs) I know, but I didn't even know you could do that.

Hey, right here.

Why are you so quiet?

What's wrong?

- The counting usually doesn't take this long.

I'm just nervous.

- There's no way you lost.

Now I'm not saying that you necessarily won,

but no way you lost.

- Who'd you vote for to be the worst then? Honestly.

- Well, I gave two people the same.

- We have a tie.

Barrett and Booker.

So just translating here, guys, but if there's a tie,

then the verdict will be decided by swing vote,

determined by this year's initiate.

- Me?

- Dom, come on, don't make her do it.

- It's not up to me, man. You know that.

- Babe, I don't mind.

- No, honey.

- I can get up there.

It's my turn.

- Okay. - Floor's yours, Emma.

- Yeah, so, you guys were all incredible, seriously.

Like it was so fun to watch you.

I was very, very impressed, but if I'm being fair

and honest and I'm sorry to do this,

but tonight's loser is...

Babe.

Drum roll.

Oh my God, Barrett, I'm sorry.

Look, I just don't think that Booker being docked points

because Elyse is pregnant is a fair reason...

- Fuck you!

This isn't fair!

This isn't fair!

This isn't fair!

Why the fuck! - Ana, what the fuck!

- Why the fuck does she get to?

- You knew this was a possibility!

- Why does she get to?

♪ They choose a girl from deep within ♪

♪ You took my breath with one sweet kiss ♪

♪ I just can't help loving you ♪

♪ Be guiding lines like Sunday moon ♪

♪ You stole my heart ♪

- Ana, oh my god. What are you doing?

Fuck you!

♪ My darkest day, but I just can't help loving you ♪

♪ Whoa hold me ♪

- I am not letting you do this?

♪ Hold me oh, please don't let me go ♪

- Get me the fuck out of here.

♪ Please don't let me drift away ♪

♪ I'm yours forever ♪

- Sit down.

- I can't be here.

- It's okay, it's okay.

♪ Forever to stay ♪

♪ Forever to stay ♪

- I can't be here! No. Stop.

- Sit down, Ana.

Sit down.

- It's okay.

Come here, come here.

- It's okay, it's okay.

- Lynds, you grab Barrett's letter for me?

- It's okay.

Come here, I know.

- Just don't look, okay?

- It's okay, stay back.

Just stay back, keep your head back.

Jesus Christ.

Your time starts now.

- Can't watch this.

- It's okay, it's okay.

- My God.

I am sorry for my sins, with all my heart

in choosing to do wrong and failing to do good.

- I love you, man.

- I have sinned against you whom I should love

above all things.

- It's okay.

- Tony, what are they doing?

- I firmly intend to do penance, to sin no more,

and to avoid whatever leads me to sin.

- Tony, what's going on?

- It's okay.

It'll be over soon.

- Our savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us.

- You can do this.

- In his name my God, have mercy.

- You're strong.

You don't need me to do this.

You got it, come on.

- Eternal God, whose mercy is endless.

Treasury of compassion, undeniable,

- Wait, what's going on, Tony?

- Shh, it's okay.

- look down upon us and increase your mercy in us.

- You can do this.

- I can't do this.

- And in difficult times may we not despair

nor become despondent, but truly submit ourselves

confidently to your holy will,

which is love and mercy itself.

- Tony, Elyse, what?

- Shh.

- I love you, Barrett.

- We love you, buddy.

- What's going on?

- I love all you guys, especially you.

- I love all you guys, especially you.

Love you.

- Oh god. I can't.

- Hey!

Hey!

What is going, Tony, Dom!

- Hey! It's okay. It's okay.

- Per diventare più forti

- Hey, Hey!

- Dobbiamo

- Tony! Elyse!

- Liberarci

- Baby no! Baby... baby!

- Dei - Hey! Hey hey hey!

- Deboli!

What the fuck is going on!

- My God.

my god.

- Tony? - It's okay. Look at me.

- It's okay, it's okay.

Look at me, look at me.

I can't.

- It's okay, just look at me.

Look at me, look at me, it's okay.

Look at me, hey.

It's okay, it's okay. - Tony.

- Shh, it's over, it's over, it's over. - Oh my god.

- Ana.

All right, you guys know the routine.

Call the police in a little bit,

let them know about Barrett's suicide

verified by his letter.

Tony.

- Look at me, look at me, look at me.

- Fuck.

- Shh... Breathe through it.

- What the fuck? - I know, breathe.

Hey, what'd I say, breathe, breathe.

Breathe with me. Shh.

- Welcome to the family.

(oldies music continues)

(oldies music continues)

(oldies music continues)

(oldies music continues)