All language subtitles for The Munsters s01e17 All-Star Munster

[Keys Jingling]

Sounds like someone's at the door.

Oh, fiddlesticks!

Now look what you've done, Lily.
Oh, Herman.
And never mind that.

I was hoping you'd come home.
We have a much more serious problem.

Really? Did Grandpa
blow up the dungeon again?

No. But Marilyn came home
from school in tears.

She said she'd been asked
not to return to college.

What happened?
I don't know.

She was too upset to talk.

Poor thing's up in her room now
crying her eyes out.

Oh, my. I did that once
when I was younger...

and had a terrible time
getting them back in.

Well, we'll just have to
get her down here
and find out what the trouble is.

Do you suppose
it could be her marks?

Well, it could be.

Uh, after all,
she's your sister's child,
you know.

She doesn't have
the Munster brains like I do.

Is that so?
And what line were you in
when they passed out the brains?

You're forgetting, dear.
I didn't stand in line at all.

They brought everything to me.

I got curb service.

Oh, Herman.

Imagine, throwing you out of school.

I'll fix that college.

I'll turn myself into
a California student
and upset the whole campus.

Now take it easy, Grandpa.

Uh, there must be some explanation.

[Sighs]
Here's the notice
they gave me at school.

I just don't understand it.

"Tuition in arrears
for the last quarter"?

The college told me
I couldn't come back
till it was paid.

Oh, I was just so ashamed.

But, Lily, you handle the checkbook.

Uh, didn't...
didn't you ever pay this?

I'm almost sure I did.
I'll look it up.

This is most embarrassing.

No one in our family
has ever been
thrown out of school...

since the time
they caught Grandpa hanging
from the rafters at Vassar.

I only flew in there
to get out of the rain.

For two weeks?

See now. I paid the gas bill,

the telephone,
our water-hardening service...

But can't you find
a check stub for the tuition?

[Sighs]
I'm sorry, Marilyn.
I was so sure that I paid it.

Well, maybe it's just
one of those checks
I forgot to enter.

Well, we can't let them
treat our niece this way.

That's right.
I'll go down there
and handle it.

- I'll throw a scare into them.
- Uh, no, no, Grandpa.

I'll take care of this.

I'll go down to that school tomorrow
and straighten the whole thing out.

Oh, thank you, Uncle Herman.

But... But will you be able
to take time off from
the parlor tomorrow?

I think I can duck out around 4:00
and the boss will never miss me.

Anyway, he's gonna be busy
all afternoon interviewing
new box boys.

What'd you say
this kid's name was again, Coach?
Mallory. Moose Mallory.

He's been playin' high school
basketball somewhere in Kentucky
for the past six years.

It took him six years
to get through high school?

Jerry, our scouts' reports show
that this guy's got everything...

footwork like a gazelle,
hands like a gorilla,
and he's tall as a giraffe.

Who's sponsoring him?
The S.P.C.A.?

Okay, so he's a big dumb ape
from the hills.

But Dean Haggerty
doesn't know that yet.

We're gonna enroll the Moose
on a scholarship,

and by the time he flunks out,
our team will get
national recognition,

and yours truly
will have left Westbury
for bigger and better things.

That Mallory was
supposed to be here at 3:30.
Do you suppose the bus was late?

I don't know.

His first time in the city.
Maybe we should have met him.

That big goon could be
wandering around
like some kind of a zombie.

I guess you need a college education
to figure out the signs.

Oh, uh...
Uh, uh, pardon me, sir.
Could you tell me how to get to...

Oh. Uh, sorry.

L... I thought you were alive.

Uh, you look just like
my wife's brother standing there.

Coach, maybe we oughta
call the bus station.
It's almost 4:30.

We'll give this Moose another
10 minutes. Maybe he can...

[Knocking On Door]
[Door Opens]

Oh, uh, uh, pardon me, gentlemen.
Uh, could you help me?

Do you suppose this is...
Has to be.

Couldn't be two like that.

Come on in. This is the place
you're looking for.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm looking for the dean's office.

Uh, there's a matter of tuition
I'd like to straighten out.

Don't worry. You'll get to see
the dean, and we'll straighten out
that little matter of tuition.

Fine.
Uh, first I'd like to ask
a few questions.

Have a chair.
Uh, all right.

Uh, could we get rid of this?

Now, how tall are you?

I'm, uh, 7 foot 3.
In your stocking feet?

No. In my stocking feet
I'm 7 foot 4.

I wear very thick socks.

Well, you're gonna take
a pretty big sweat suit,

but I think we've got one around
you can squeeze into.

- Sweat suit?
- Yeah. No use you seeing the dean
till we run you through a little tryout.

- How are you at passing?
- Oh, pretty good.

I passed two trucks
and a station wagon
on the way over here.

Jerry, show him
where the locker room is.

Right, Coach.

Come on, Moose.

Moose?

You college kids and your nicknames.

[Man On P.A.]
Bus from Nashville
and points south now unloading.

Well, uh, what do you think, Pa?

Purty fancy bus depot, Moose.

Look, they sell them paperback novels
right out in the open.

I don't see none of them hotshot
college fellers here to meet ya.

Well, uh, the bus was two hours late
on account of hittin' that mule.

Maybe them hotshot college fellers
got tired of waitin' on us.
They musta.

Reckon we-uns
will have to track down
the college ourself.

Well, we best get walkin'.

Walkin'?

Look, just as soon
as you start basketballing it
for that Westbury College,

you ain't gonna have to do
no more walkin'...

have your own "cornvertible."

You done lost me, Pa.

How can a little old
college basketball player
afford a "cornvertible"?

Son, if you keep actin'
as dumb as you look,

us Mallorys are in real trouble.

You just play with
that little old ball...

and leave the thinkin' to me.

Sorry, Pa.
Well, we best get walkin'.

Give me your hand.

I just don't understand, gentlemen,
why I can't see the dean now.

Because one of the rules here says...

that before we see the dean,
we have to play a little basketball.

Now, we don't mind doing that
for Coachie, do we?

Well, I guess not.

But I'll just bet you they don't have
rules like this at Princeton.

Come on, Moosie.
Let's see you sink
a couple of baskets, huh?

- Uh, uh, that...
that basket down there?
- That's right.

Sure. If... If... If it'll get me
to see the dean.
[Chuckles]

But why don't you
give yourself a break
and go near the foul line...

Wow!
Sensational!

Yeah, that's great.
Let's see you do a few layups.
You're fantastic.

You really think so?
[Laughs]

Just watch this.
[Laughing]

[Coach]
He's great.!

Look at that.!
Holy mackerel.!

Wow.!

[Chuckles]

[Laughing]

Now can I see the dean?

Son, after that demonstration,
you don't need to see the dean.

Uh, but there's a matter of tuition.

My boy, you just sign this paper,

and believe me,
you'll never have to worry
about tuition again.

Really? Oh.

Well, thank you very much.

Uh, uh, can I go and change
my clothes and leave now?

Sure, go ahead.
Yeah. We'll be seeing you, Moose.

Oh. Thank you.

Jerry, my boy, we're gonna have
the greatest basketball season
in the history of Westbury.

Yeah, Coach. This Moose Mallory
is just about the...
[Knock On Door]

Excuse us. Do you reckon
we're in the right place?

No, fellas.
The course in television acting
is just down the hall.

We don't know nothin'
about no playactin'.

This here's Moose Mallory,
the basketball star,
and I'm his pa.

He can't be Moose Mallory.
Moose Mallory was just in here,
and the coach signed him up.

Sure. We just...

Jerry.

Look.

"Herman Munster."

You mean that...
that wasn't Moose Mallory
that we signed up before?

Must have been some other athlete
that stumbled in here by mistake.

Well, then this guy must be
the real Moose Mallory.

What are we gonna do?
Look, let's not argue with fate.

Whoever this Munster is
that fell in our laps,

he's gonna make
any other basketball player
look like a creep.

But how are you gonna
get rid of these hillbillies?

They came here
all the way from Kentucky.
Easy.

I'll just politely and graciously
explain the matter to them...

in the fine sporting tradition
of college athletics.

Moose.
Yes, sir?

The, uh, job is filled.
Huh?

Get lost, ya bum.
[Father Protesting]

That's right, Marilyn.
Tomorrow morning, you can go to college
without a worry in the world.

They assured me
your tuition is all taken care of.

Oh, thank you, Uncle Herman.

Did you have any trouble
down there, dear?

No. Uh, not a bit.

They have a rather strange rule
before they'll give you an interview,

but after a brief workout in the gym,
they were most cooperative.

A workout in the gym?

Yes. Uh, you see, when I walked in,
there were these two men...
[Eddie] Hey, Pop.! Pop.!

The evening paper just came,
and it's got your name in it.

My name?
Yeah. Right here on the sports page.

On the sports page?

"Coach Roger Denman
this afternoon predicted
a winning season on the courts...

with the enrollment of
a local athlete, Herman Munster,
at Westbury College."

Local athlete?
You, Herman?

You enrolled at college.

Boy, Pop! Wait till I tell the guys!

Now why would he do a thing like that?
You went down there...
[All Chattering]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

The... The, uh...
There must be a mistake.

A-All I did was put on a sweat suit
like they asked me
and shot a few baskets.

They said that was one of the rules.

Then when I signed that paper,
they said the tuition
was all taken care of.

They meant your tuition,
not Marilyn's.

Ooh, Herman, you signed a contract
to play basketball on a scholarship.

Oh, boy!

Sometimes I think
you just don't have enough sense
to come in out of the rain.

Oh, yes, I do.

I've... I've done it lots of times.

Herman, you're so gullible.

Why, this is even worse
than the time you went to
that television show...

and almost wound up
as Queen for a Day.

Now they still won't let me
back in school tomorrow.

Oh.

You've goofed it again, Herman.

Well, don't just sit there
with that vacant look on your face.

Aren't you the least bit worried
about the... the mess
you've gotten into?

You're... You're darn right I'm worried.

I'm trying to figure out
a way to get in shape
before the basketball season starts.

"Herman Munster."

Moose, that must be the fella
that rinky-dinked you
out of your basketball scholarship.

Yeah.

As soon as we hit the bus depot
I shoulda knowed
this town is full of fancy dudes.

How come?
When I tried that 10-cent machine
in the washroom,

instead of giving me a pocket comb,
it squirted "prefume" all over me.

I don't notice it none.

Well, maybe I didn't
get enough on me to take.

Moose, is that Munster slicker's
address in the paper?

Uh, "1313 Mockingbird Lane."

Come on. Let's go.

Me and you are gonna find that Yankee,

and we're gonna rearrange his bones
Kentucky-style.

Hot dog!

His face'll look like
Annie Lou Humphrey...

when she fell in the feedin' trough...

and them swill-happy hogs
just about tromped her to death.

Now, Herman, I phoned the college,

and they said the coach will be
working in his office all evening.

Yes. Grandpa and I want you
to go down there right now
and straighten this mess out...

so that Marilyn can
go to school tomorrow.

But, Lily,
I'll... I'll be so embarrassed.

Those nice men might yell at me.

Oh, Herman.
What are you anyway?
A man or a mouse?

Now, Lily.
After all these years,

you... you can't
tell the difference?

[Wolf Howling]

Now, Moose, I ask ya...
did you ever see a house like this
in all your born days?

I sure didn't, Pa.

Ain't nobody back home
could afford nothin' this fancy.

I don't care if the Munsters
do live in a mansion.

It ain't gonna slow me down none.

[Heavy Footsteps Approaching]

Yes?
What do you think, Pa?

I think the hogs already
tromped on this boy's face.

And then when this coach feller
throwed us out...

and we read that you had
latched on to Moose's scholarship,

we just come over here to marinate
your gizzard in sheep-dip.

Uh, uh, good heavens.
I'd hate to put you to
all that trouble.

As a matter of fact,
Herman signing up to play basketball
was only the result of a mix-up.

Yeah, of course.
Why, when you knocked,

he was on his way down
to straighten it all out.

He was. Weren't you, Herman?

Yes. L... l... I was at that.

In the interest of fair play...

and, uh, my gizzard.

Well, now, that makes
a mite difference, don't it, Moose?

It does iffen I get
my athletic scholarship.

Uh, uh, uh, tell you what.

Why don't you nice gentlemen
sit here while I go down
and speak to that coach.

Oh, that's a fine idea, Herman.
And while you're gone,
I'll try to make our friends feel at home.

See you later.
Gentlemen,
make yourselves comfortable.

Well, thank you.

You'll have to pardon me, mister,
for staring at your suit, but...
[Chuckles]

If you was to come to our town
duded up like that,

folks would bury you
before you could blink an eye.

Oh, thank you.

I'll consider that an invitation.

Oh, my, Grandpa.
That fire's gone out again.
Would you mind?

Oh, I'd be delighted.

And I'll go and fix some tea.

Hey, Pa.

What is it, Moose?

You're closer to my feet
than I am.

Would you mind
puttin' out the fire?

Okay, son, but don't expect me
to do it every time.

Thank you, Pa.

What do you mean
you won't play basketball for
this noble institution of learning?

Are you out of your skull?
Oh. Oh. Uh, no, sir.

L... I haven't been out of it in years.

But, you see, I just cannot accept
this basketball scholarship.

Oh, you want more money?
No, sir.

You want a convertible?
No, sir.

A little something
under the table, huh?

O-Of course not.

It's just that this basketball scholarship
does not rightfully belong to me.

It belongs to another.

I believe you should
withdraw my name from the team...

and award this honorarium
to Mr. Mallory...

in the interests of justice
and fair play.

He is out of his skull.

Come right this way, Mr. Mallory.

This here is our kitchen.

Oh, a separate room
for eatin' vittles,

and now look at all these
"modren cornveniences."

Lookee here, Pa.
There's no pump.

The water just comes splattering
right outta the pipe end.

Yeah, son. That's, uh...
That's one of them new, uh, automatic
dishwashers I've heared tell about.

- Oh.
- And this is our icebox.

Ooh, land of Goshen!
Look at all them eggs.

- And big uns too.
- Oh, yes. And we keep
our own vultures out in the back.

Ooh-ee. L-I'd sure hate to
reach under one of them critters
when they was nestin'.

Wouldn't you, Pa?

I didn't know
you had company, Aunt Lily.

Oh, Marilyn, this is
Mr. Moose Mallory and his father.

How do you do?
I'm mighty glad
to meet you, ma'am.

I declare, you're prettier
than a bucket full of hog livers.

Oh, thank you very much.

Yeah, I guess, uh, you could say
she is the pick of the litter.

Marilyn, uh, why don't you
take the young man out back
and show him our garden?

Oh, all right.
Ooh-ee.

Oh, uh, be careful.
D-Don't step on the poison ivy.

It's just beginning to bloom.

Oh, ma'am, I sure hope
that your husband
can work things out...

and get my son
on that basketball team.

I just can't wait
to move up here...

and live high on the hog
like y'all do.

Munster, will you knock it off?

You signed this paper,
and you're going to play.

- Yeah. Where's your sportsmanship?
- I am not tearing up this contract
and signing Mallory.

But I tell you I won't play!

I will not play!

I won't! I won't! I won't!

Now, uh, uh, uh,
what are you gonna do about it?

Like I said,

I'm going to, uh,
tear up this contract
and, uh, sign Mallory.

[Man On Radio]
And now for the local sports scene.

Moose Mallory, the sensational
high-scoring forward
of Westbury College,

led his team
to its 15th straight victory.

The Moose scored 68 points
and set an all-time conference record.

Coach Denman sees his team going to
the national championships undefeated.

[Laughs]
That's what I wanted to hear.
And now for the local weather...

It's nice to know
the boy's doing so well in college.

And he has you to thank for it, dear.

Well, Lily, if we can't
help a young man
up the ladder of success,

we're pretty sorry excuses
for human beings.

[Horn Honks]
Good night, everybody.
That's my date.

- I'm going out with Moose Mallory.
- Oh.

Good night.

That sweet boy must see something
in Marilyn that we don't.

[Grandpa]
Well.

What are you gonna do, Grandpa?

I'm gonna do a little peeking
at Moose and Marilyn.
That's what I'm gonna do.

Well, why didn't he say so?

[Chuckles]
Come on.

You know, Herman, it must be hard
for a boy like Moose to struggle
through college on a scholarship.

You're right, Lily.
I'll bet it calls for many sacrifices.

Mmm.

Wow!

Get a load of that car.

He... He must have a job
working nights
at the school cafeteria.