All language subtitles for The Munsters s01e09 Knock Wood, Here Comes Charlie

Morning, dear.
Well, finally.

His Majesty has condescended
to grace us with his presence.

Be seated.
Please, Lily, spare me the jokes.

Today's starting out
to be one of those days.

Good morning,
Uncle Herman.
Good morning, dear.

Good morning!
Morning, Grandpa.

Mmm. What smells so good?

I cut myself shaving.

[Banging]

Front door.
I'll get it.

No, dear. Uh,
not the way you're dressed.
I'll get it.

You can never tell when Mr. Right
is gonna come along.

If you go to the door looking like that,
you're liable to scare him off.

[Banging Continues]

Front door.

Well, bless me.
If it isn't Herman.

[Laughing]

Oh, no. Charlie.

I knew it was gonna be
one of those days.

Ah, Lily.
[Chuckling]

Herman's twin brother.
Charlie, it's good to see you.

Lily, you look just wonderful,
my dear.

A lot of people would just die
to have a complexion like that.

Don't tell me.
This is little Eddie.

The last time I saw you,
my boy, you were this high.

Ah, Marilyn.

Don't you look pretty, uh, uh, pretty...

How do you do in school, dear?
Just fine, Uncle Charlie.

Good, good, good.
And now, Uncle Charlie...

has a little something
for each of you.

Now, let me see.

What have I got here?

Eddie, this is for you.

Oh, boy, a bat in the box!
Thank you, Uncle Charlie.

And Lily, this is for you.

Oh, Charlie!
A new shroud!

Oh! Ooh.

A girl can never have enough of these.

Marilyn, this here's for you.

[Croaking]
[Gasps]

Oh.

Greatest thing in the world for warts.

[Clearing Throat]

Don't worry, Grandpa.
Old Charlie hasn't forgotten you.

Good.

Oh. Oh!

It's a box of cigars.

And the box, you see,

is a great place to keep your ashes.

[Laughing]

But, uh, tell me, where's Herman?

He can't still be nursing a grudge
against his own twin brother.

Of course not, Charlie.
He loves you.

He'll be right down.
Oh, no, he won't.

What's in the other suitcase,
Uncle Charlie?

That?

That, Marilyn, my dear,
is a little invention...

that is going to make your Uncle Charlie
a million dollars.

[Lily] "A million dollars'"?
[Grandpa]
Oh, an invention.

By the way, I happen to be
a bit of an inventor myself.

Do you mind if I take a look at it?

Delighted.

Oh.

What does it do, Uncle Charlie?

It extracts uranium from seawater.

"Extracts uranium from seawater"?
I don't believe it.

If you will allow me...
Marilyn, please.

I'll show you how it works.

See? Good old everyday
garden variety seawater.

It contains
.047 grains of uranium.

Now, let me see here.

I turn the machine on.

Now I add the water.

Oh!
Is that really uranium?

There's one sure way to find out.

I'll fly down to my laboratory
and get my Geiger counter.

Oh, no, no, no.
Uh, Grandpa, don't do that.

It's not necessary.

I mean, I have my own.

I always carry
a Geiger counter with me.

[Soft Crackling, Grows Louder]

[Laughing]

You'll make a fortune.
Why, do you realize...

that uranium is worth
its weight in gold?

Well, what do you know?

[Chuckling]

Well...

It's getting late.
I'd better find me a hotel.

Say "how do you do"
to Herman for me.

Funny. I have a feeling
that boy's been avoiding me.

- You're darn right I am.
- You're going to stay here with us.

After all, you're Herman's
only living relative.

Oh, Lily, how sweet.
Well, if you insist.

Eddie, come along, my boy.

You and me are going to dig up
a little snack first.

Huh. It's easy to see
who got all the personality
in that family.

[Clearing Throat]

[Clearing Throat]

Guess what, Herman.
Charlie is staying with us.

He's doing no such thing.

I want him and his phony uranium machine
out of this house this instant!

Herman Munster!

How can you talk like that
about your own flesh and blood?

Because I've known him
longer than you.

Charlie Munster is a scoundrel
and a con artist from way back.

The doctor who put him together didn't
have an honest bone in his whole laboratory.

Oh, Herman, you're just jealous.

Why, having Charlie here in the house
is like a breath of fresh earth.

I agree with Uncle Herman.
There's something not just right
about Charlie.

Marilyn's right.

Just why is he showing up now?

I'll tell you why.
Lily, he's heard about that $5,000...

your grandmother left you
the last time she died.

And he's here to cheat you out of it
with that uranium machine.

Why, shame on you, Herman.

And just because of that,
I'm gonna check this machine...

and prove how wrong you are
about Charlie.

Meanwhile, I insist he stay here.

All right. All right.
But you will regret it.

I keep telling you... Charlie's always been
the white sheep in this family.

- When are you gonna believe me? When?
- Nevermore.

Just a minute. He's right here.
Uncle Charlie, telephone.

The man says it's important.

Oh. Well, I wonder who that can be.

I distinctly instructed my secretary
not to tell anybody where I was.

- Munster here.
- This is Leo Kraus.

[Coughing]

Oh. Oh, uh,
hi, Knuckles.

Where's that thousand bucks I put up
for that phony machine of yours?

I gave you 24 hours to pay me back.

Well... Well, now, a-as... as
a matter of fact,

I'm in the process of taking care
of that little matter right now.

You've got exactly 24 hours
to hand over the dough;

otherwise, you'll get your head broken.

[Chuckles]
It's my head broker.

L...

I mean, my head broker.

Well, thank you very much
for the advice, Mr. Kraus.

I don't think it's gonna be
too difficult to arrange.

You mean to tell me you actually found
a sucker to buy that machine?

- There can't be anybody that stupid.
- Oh, but there is.

Which brings me to
a very important point.

- I hope you don't mind me selling
one of our machines for $5,000.
- $5,000?

I realize it's a ridiculously small amount,
but you see,

it's for a member of my own family...

my favorite sister-in-law.

But why not?

Charlie says his partner gave him
special permission to sell it to us.

He says I couldn't make
a safer investment.

He says the ocean is full of uranium.

The ocean is also full of suckers,

and I'm gonna see to it
that you're not one of them.

After all, Grandma did leave
that money to me.

And Grandpa's testing the machine.
He saw it work.

No. It's a silly idea.

If your grandmother were alive,
she'd be turning over in her grave.

As long as Charlie stays in this house,
I'm gonna see to it...

that that money stays
in the wall safe.

Let me see.
What was that combination again?

Oh, yes.
Two turns to the left.

Right to 14.

Back to six.

Now all we do
is add a little water from the ocean...

and wait for the results
that will prove to Uncle Herman...

how wrong he was
about Uncle Charlie.
[Chuckling]

?? [Humming]

[Laughing]

Eddie, quick, quick,
get my Geiger counter.
Okay, Grandpa.

?? [Humming Continues]
[Soft Crackling]

Huh.
[Loud Crackling]

Maybe I used the wrong ocean.

- Grandpa, this is nothing but sand.
- Sand? Plain sand?

To the scientific mind,
this means just one thing.

- Yes, it means that Uncle Charlie...
- Broken.

I broke Uncle Charlie's machine.

[Herman]
Left three.

Right 16.

Two turns to the left.

Stop at 24.

Aw, it's only gold again.

Oh, I've gotta fix this machine
before good old Charlie finds out.

[Herman]
To the right.

Seven left.

Sixteen right.

Two turns to the left.

[Clicks]

And presto!

There. I'd like to see Charlie
get his hands on it now.

[Laughing]

Oh, Charlie,
I'm afraid the answer is still no.

You know how Herman is.
I talked to him
until I was pink in the face.

That sort of puts me in
a funny position, Lily. After all,

my associates were only doing it
as a favor to me.

Well, in case anybody wants me,
I'll be down in my laboratory.

I've got a little work
to do down there.

[Coughing]

I wish he wouldn't do that.
It gets ashes all over the floor.

Can I heat this up for you?
Oh, thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
We're all out of sugar.

I'll run over to Mrs. Cartwright's
and borrow some.

Mrs. Cartwright?
She's the woman next door.

She's very fond of Herman.

He helps her a lot
around the house.
Ah.

She's a bit eccentric though.

Been that way ever since
her husband died.

- A widow?
- Yes. Poor dear.

But fortunately,
her husband left her well provided for.

Well, that is fortunate. Lily,

I'll get the sugar.

Allow me.
Sit right down.
Oh.

Thank you.

I'll just pop right over.

And I may pick up enough sugar
for both of us.

[Knocking On Door]
Come in.

Excuse me.
[Gasps]
Oh.

Oh, it's... it's you, Mr. Munster.

Oh, hello. Uh...
Mrs. Cartwright?

Oh, of course.
Come in, Mr. Munster.

Oh, my, don't you look grand.
What have you done to yourself?

Oh, you mean the suit?
Like it?

Oh, it's very handsome,
and I imagine very expensive.

Custom made. You see,
I made an investment recently...

on a little invention
that turned out rather well.

Well, on to a good thing
and you didn't even tell me about it.

That isn't very neighborly, Mr. Munster.

Call me Herman.

That's right, Knuckles.
I got the five grand.

You can call off your boys.
I unloaded that crazy machine.

Some old biddy named Cartwright.

I'm on my way now with the loot.

I gotta blow town quick
before my brother finds out.

And, Charlie, don't do anything cute
or your frame will float.

Charlie sold that machine
to Mrs. Cartwright?

I was just talking to her
through the barbed wire fence.

She's floating on air.

She'll make the fortune
we missed.

Lily, that machine is just what
I told you it was... a phony.

- "A phony"?
- That's right.

I just sent Marilyn downtown
to the National Chemical Institute,

and they told her that
while seawater is full of uranium,

there's absolutely
no way of extracting it.

Oh, Herman,
you were right about Charlie.

- What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna have to buy back
that machine.

But that will take every last cent
of Grandma's legacy.

The good name of Munster
is more important
than any amount of money.

Oh, serves me right
for trusting Charlie.

If you don't learn to be more careful,

the next time Grandma dies,
she'll leave her money to someone else.

After I'm finished with this,
I'm gonna kick Charlie out of here...

every lock, stock and monocle of him!

Two turns to the left.

Right 14. Left...

Oh, the heck with it!

So you see, Mrs. Cartwright,
the machine is actually worthless.

So I wouldn't want you
to get stuck with it.

If it's worthless,
why did you sell it to me?

That wasn't me.
That was my twin brother.

Your twin brother? Oh!

Oh, no, no, Mr. Munster.

There couldn't possibly
be two like you.

It's really true.
But that's not important now.

Mrs. Cartwright, I'll pay you back
your whole $5,000.

I don't know.
I mean, if you'd go
to all the trouble...

of changing your clothes
and making up that story
about a twin brother,

you must want that machine
pretty badly.

I'm just trying to do the right thing.

Well, in that case,
you can have it...
Good.

For $5,500.

But, Mrs. Cartwright,
you only paid 5,000.

I know. I know.

But a poor, defenseless widow
like me...

has got to make a teeny-weeny
bit of profit.

That's the democratic way.

[Grandpa]
Charlie.

Charlie, you're not leaving
without saying good-bye?

Charlie, I guess you're mad
because they told you.

Told me what?
That I broke your machine.

But I didn't mean to.
I was just trying...
That's quite all right, Grandpa.

That's not my problem any longer.

You see, I sold that old machine
to Lady Cartwright.

Ooh. But she'll be glad to know
that I fixed it.

It works just fine now.
But, you see, someone
took it out of the lab,

and I still have
a few adjustments to make.

Forget the machine, Grandpa.
I'm leaving now.

Cheers.

"Fixed it"?

What do you mean, "fixed it"?

Well, look, just a few minutes ago,
I made this with the machine.

Huh?

Look at this.
[Crackling Loudly]

What do you think?
That's uranium?

It ain't bat feathers.

Ah, Mrs. Cartwright,

I've decided not to sell you
my uranium machine.

I have to have it back.
Yes, I know.

Oh, fine.
So, here's your money.

Let me have the machine.

Mr. Munster, you've already
given me the money back
and taken the machine.

When did I do that?

Just before you changed your clothes.

But I didn't change my clothes.

Wait a minute.

This fellow who gave you
the money back,
was he about this tall?

Yes.
Was he built like me?

Uh-huh.
Well, that explains it.

That was my twin brother.
Brother.

Now that we own this thing,
what are we gonna do with it?

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do with it.

I'm gonna smash it
into 5,500 pieces.

- Don't do that.
- Why not?

It's mine.
I paid for it.

And at least I'm gonna get
the pleasure of smashing it.

Charlie Munster,
you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

How could you do this to us
after the way we trusted you?

Charlie, you proved one thing.

Water is thicker than blood.

I suppose you're right.
I ought to be ashamed of myself.

Charlie, you're no good.
And I'll tell you another thing.

You...

What did you say?
I said, you're right.

I am no good.

For the first time in my life,
I've been forced to look
myself in the face,

and it's a pretty
frightening picture.

I get the feeling
I've just been insulted.

Being here with all of you has,

well, shown me
the error of my ways.

If you'll just give me another chance,
I'll do my best to make it up to you.

Well, if you ask me,
it's a little late for that now.

- It's 2:00.
- Shut up!

Nevermore.

I realize I've done
a lot of rotten things,

but, you see, I've changed.

And to prove it, I'm gonna buy
that worthless machine back from you.

Oh, yeah?

- W-When do I get paid?
- Nevermore. [Squawks]

- Oh, do shut up.
- He's wound up too tight.

I'll pay you this very moment.
Oh, well, l...

Here's the money.
Well, Charlie, l...

Well...

Charlie, I... guess I misjudged you.

We all make mistakes.
[Laughing]

We're only human.

Well, cheerio.

At least let me
drive you to the station.

Oh, uh, not necessary, old boy.
I already phoned a cab.

Well, ta-ta, all.

Don't forget your old Uncle Charlie.

Eddie, here's a little something
for your piggy bank.

[Door Opens]

Good-bye, Charlie.
You made the right decision.

After all, you can't always get by
on your good looks.

I suppose you're right.
[Chuckling]

Good-bye. Good... Good-bye.

Good-bye, Charlie.
Charlie.!
Good-bye, Charlie.

Charlie!
Was that Charlie?

He just left.

Oh, I wanted to talk to him.

You know,
he's been acting kind of strange
since I fixed his machine.

- "Fixed his machine"?
- Yeah.

I showed him this batch
of uranium I made,

and he hightailed it
over to Mrs. Cartwright
like a bat out of heaven.

[Groans]

He tricked me again
with that sob story of his.

Darn it!

Look, Pop, the quarter's fake too.

He gypped us all.

That machine was a phony
until you made it work.

I'm glad he took it with him.
I wouldn't want that
machine around this house.

- Why not?
- Well, I'll tell you.

If he starts fooling with that machine,
there's no telling what may happen.

- Driver, to the airport, and step on it.
- What's the hurry, Charlie?

Knuckles.
Where's the five "G"s?

I haven't got it. But, Knuckles,
I've got something much better.

Both you and I
are going to be millionaires.

Just let me show you this machine.

You see, now it really works.

Okay.
But this time it better be good.

He's in the cab, Grandpa.

What was that about the machine?

Oh, nothing.
It's just that the machine...
[Explosion]

The machine's
still got a few bugs in it.