Original subtitles

- [morose string music]

[narrator] Its day 229 and were still lost at sea.

Another wretched day where the sun cruelly keeps its promise

to glare down on us once more.

[morose string music continues]

Is this all there is? The Zen of pain?

Time measured in the lengthening shadows of our failing bodies

upon the taunting water?

[water lapping]

[narrator] We spend the days wondering in synchronised silence.

How did it come to this?

Eking out the last of the spoiled fish.

Will we ever see land?

Should we yield to the desire to eat the flakes of skin tearing off the soles

of our blistering feet and shoulders?

Also...

[sinister sounds]

Why are they making a Matrix 4?

The original movie was such a gnostic masterpiece

of which the sequels were but a poor imitation.

An attempt to capture lightning in a bottle twice.

It cant be done.

Hollywood churning out yet another Matrix movie seems...

...a meta commentary on the themes of The Matrix itself.

Our lust for progress in the form of mechanical mass production

yields an incrementally emptier human experience.

The crew are perplexed.

Also, tomorrow we have to eat Jenkins.

[man] Look here, Johnson,

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

[child's voice] Well, anyway.

Oh.

Bring the beat back.

[woman] Oh, yes, I remember that.

[man] Yes, I remember that.

[burps]

[funky beat playing]

[distant cheering and yelling]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[crackles]

[Andres] Are you finding peaceful protests are turning into riot situations

from nowheres?

The problem is you, you big silly rioting police pooperpants!

My name is Andérs Andérsøn and I'm Norways leading riot and police

de-escalations expert.

Your countrys police force should do my training course. Take a looks.

So Step 1 of Law Enforcement and Riot De-Escalation is communications.

Step 1, thats like rookie day, okay? Its rookie time.

Were gonna use the appropriate words and phrases, safely engage with a perpetrator.

Or as we like to call it...

...poopertrator.

Or is perp is poop.

A perpetrator if called a like a poop will not be like, it be like,

poop is silly and funny and then itll be like immediately disarmed.

[upbeat music]

[makes knocking noise]

Ah, come out Captain Fat Farty Pants!

See? See?

The poopertrator is not threatened at all.

[blows party horn]

Go!

[makes knocking noise]

[cadet 1] Get out here, Captain Anus!

Really well done! Okay, up to the next.

This is so funny! Okay, great. One more time.

[cadet 2] Come outside, Lord Poopy.

[Anders laughing] Really! Oh, good, real funny! Okay, up next.

[Brent shouting] Riot police! Get on the fucken ground!

On the fucken ground, maggot!

That was really great.

[slide whistle sounds]

Whoopsies!

Looks like Captain Wheely over here is still using the old way

of using aggressions that inflames many situations.

[upbeat music]

Now its time to go to my Advance Method Level 2 training.

My patented strategy, adjective, noun, noun.

Misty, queef, unicorns, right?

Its got a fantasy creature in it, see?

And its also making queef.

All of a sudden you're in their head.

A poopertrator is like, ‘What does that even... what does that even mean?

[upbeat music]

Secondhand fart grosser!

My mans!

Pasty groin bucket!

[Anders] Well done. Thats really great.

On the ground ya fucken shit cock!

Oh no. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Stand back.

[Brent] ‘Fucken shit cock is adjective, noun, noun, right?

No. Yes, you're right, but its still having inflammatory.

Right, so less less inflammatory.

Thats right, so maybe next time lets just try um,

more more having subtle, okay?

Yep, more subtle.

Okay, really great. Well done. Did really great. Okay, good.

[upbeat music]

That was really great.

Okay, so what were doing right now is were going to train

a riot and a protester scenario.

Were gonna turn up to a riot looking like a bunch of big bloody shitheads.

Like silly billies.

Do you know what causes many riot is when riot police turn up.

So dont turn up to riots with cudgels and shields and many naughty things,

cos protesters will throw a brick.

Its like the tail wanking the dog.

[dog barks]

- [squeaks] - [Anders] Everybody grab something.

- Silly chicken, like this. - [chicken squeaking]

Okay, you have... lets put a nose on him. Haha!

Oh, you look really funny.

- [everyone laughs] - [Anders] Oh my God.

Your your ancestors, theyre crying in their graves.

[everyone laughs]

Ohh, crying in their graves, ashamed of you.

Oh my God! Far out, thats so funny!

-[ slide whistle] [Anders] Really funny joke.

Were gonna have a riot, yeah?

[cadets] Yeah. Yeah!

But why, why dont... why dont we have a... a riot?

[cadets] Okay! [Anders] Okay, everyone!

Watch my riot police trainees...

...use their new skills to de-escalate these protesters,

by having silly and fun times.

- [protesters] None of that! None of that! - [noisy hubbub]

[Anders] Hey, what's happening? Poopy silly, silly!

[hubbub continues]

Really great, everybody!

[cadets] Riot! Riot! Riot! Riot! Riot!

[Brent] Why dont ya fuck off!

[Anders] Look up here! Look up here!

- And a ball tap! - [Brent giggles]

See that? You can always use a ball tap.

Interested? To talk to your entire police force, riot squad and military,

I can come to your country any day of the week, except Thursday mornings.

So, give me a call.

It could be really great.

[slide whistle] Good point, Anders.

[dance music]

[man] Amazing!

[woman] Party!

[woman] Party!

♪ Its one of those nights Where I'm loving the vibe ♪

♪ The weather is perfect The stars have aligned ♪

♪ Got some chips in the bowl With some babaganoush ♪

♪ And an awesome playlist To shake your tush ♪

♪ This party will be lit Its unmistakable ♪

♪ I've got mood lights Put away the breakables ♪

♪ Raked the garden Got plenty of seating ♪

♪All thats left is to bring the Beat in ♪

Oh, I havent told my neighbour, Sam.

Just letting you know I'm having a party tonight so...

Yeah, I'd love to come.

Good. See you soon.

Okay now bring the beat in.

♪ Not a single thing will Bring me down ♪

♪ Give the party queen her crown ♪

♪ Its an amazing party night ♪

♪ Everythings gonna, gonna Gonna be just right ♪

♪ Fuck, Sam rocked up I was just being polite ♪

♪ Hes weirdly damp And obsessed with kites ♪

Quite aerodynamic. You pull it and... [blows air]

- [Sam] Yeah, it goes up - [party girl] Wow.

[Sam] ...right in the sky.

♪ Oh, its fine its just a blip ♪

♪ Yo party people, try the dip! ♪

♪ Its gonna be the party of the year ♪

♪ The party of the year ♪

♪ If you like weird hipster beer ♪

♪ Its an amazing party night ♪

[man chokes]

Thats fucken disgusting!

Holy shit!

[strained] ♪ Realistic party night ♪ [gags]

Thats disgusting. I'm going.

- [party host] No, you know what? - [party guest] I'm going home.

Its gonna... gonna be fine.

♪ It's gonna be fine! ♪

[rapping] ♪ Its a realistic party! ♪

♪ Time for another bottle of Bacardi! ♪

♪ We only drink it cos it rhymes with Party! ♪

♪ Realistic party night ♪

[rap continues] ♪ Honestly I'm feeling Kinda sleepy ♪

♪ And that guy Toms being creepy ♪

♪ And now Denise is getting weepy ♪

♪ Realistic party night ♪

I just really love him and he just doesn't love me back!

♪ Realistic party night ♪

♪ Its kinda just chores And music and a disco light ♪

♪ Realistic party night ♪

♪ I shoulda put my mothers ashes out of sight ♪

[raps] ♪ Okay its not going great but it can be saved ♪

♪ Rachels brought coke Now were ready to rave ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ I'm feeling pretty good pretty hot and ♪

Fuck! I didnt upgrade my Spotify.

[Spotify voice] Upgrade to Spotify Premium.

♪ Realistic party night ♪

Ooh, can we please make sure the recycling is kept separate to the trash, thank you!

♪ Realistic party night ♪

Wow, yes, I'm very interested in your opinions on Bitcoin, Greg.

♪ Realistic party night ♪

♪ Where everythings a tiny bit shit ♪

♪ A tiny bit shit ♪

♪ And no one tried my goddamn dip ♪

♪ No one tried the dip ♪

[dance music fades]

[atmospheric music]

[gunfire]

[melancholy strings] [water laps]

[narrator] Jenkins is gone.

He welcomed the quick blow of a blunt rock with a smile on his face.

The first time hed smiled in what I can only imagine a month.

He was at peace happy,

knowing his withered ribs...

...shrink-wrapped in skin thinner than burnt leaves,

would provide some respite to the rest of us breathing ghosts.

He died happy, knowing he would never have to see The Matrix 4.

[melancholy strings continue]

It just doesn't make sense...

...Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss are apparently involved, in which case,

what were the stakes of the good movie and the two bad ones if...

...even death isnt a loss in their world?

[narrator laughs under his breath]

Some cause for optimism, perhaps... for if death means nothing

in the narrative of these increasingly bad Matrix movies...

...perhaps we too on this raft need not fear it as well.

[wind blows]

Oh, but who are we kidding? We will all die with proper finality,

just like Neo Infinity should have done in the third, definitely worst one.

[electronic music]

[tv theme music]

[Adam] I'm Adam Trent, a curious British man,

and I'm here to respectfully explore the lives of utter freaks.

[theme music]

Curious.

I've been wondering about the strange world of cults recently.

The goal is to show the human side of these curious groups so that I can appear

open and non-judgemental, whilst allowing my audience to enjoy being judgemental.

Can I insult my cake and eat it too?

[draws breath] Who knows what well find?

Well, we do, because we researched them for weeks to make sure theyre

definitely backward pagan nutters thatll make for compelling TV.

- [Adam] Hello! - [Mary] Hi there!

I'm, um, I'm Adam Trent.

[Adam] This is Mary and Jesus.

They run the Seven Houses Commune on the outskirts of Sydney.

[medieval background music]

[Adam] As always, I'll start the interview in a mundane setting,

designed to humanise my targets,

while nevertheless asking loaded questions to get a weird response

so that I can look at the camera with an odd, knowing look on my face.

Um, so I hear that the Seven Houses dont like modern medicine.

We live in a code with nature, as God intended.

- [Mary] Mm-hmm. - [Adam] Mm.

Say you had a broken arm, you wouldnt go to hospital?

Yeah. Mm. Yeah, you'd go go to hospital. Thatd be fine.

Yeah.

[Mary] Can you not leave those pauses in there? Theyre making us look quite silly.

[giggles nervously]

Of course. Not here to poke fun.

[Jesus] But you did leave them in there in the show right now.

[Adam] With their apparent normality failing to propel this documentary along,

I went for a walk around the commune to see what I could find.

Curious. Why have a sundial when clearly

we now have, we have clocks. Makes you wonder what they are up to.

[medieval folk music]

My next foray into this culture was a pagan ritual they invited me to.

While seemingly normal enough,

I was hoping that, by standing there awkwardly refusing to join in,

their ceremony would suddenly seem ridiculous by comparison.

- [cult members giggle joyfully] - [cultist] I wish this would nary end!

[Adam] Normally when I stand there long enough without reacting,

it makes them look weird.

But they just enjoyed themselves

which made me look weird.

Thats not how this is s'posed to work.

If this commune is actually as normal as I don't want them to be,

I'm going to have to use some other techniques

to get some juicy shit on camera asap.

Otherwise, a Vice reporter with pink hair will beat me to it.

[Adam] Its a bit of a documentary thing, but we need this line, out loud.

[suspenseful music]

[Adam] Say it out loud.

-[Mary] No. - [Adam] Just yep.

With Mary and Jesus being suspiciously tight-lipped,

I decided to give a lift to one of the other cult members

to have a perfectly harmless chat with no agenda at all.

Um, so your robes. You all wear them. Is that to eradicate your individuality?

Oh not at all, no, no.

We just wear it just so we can empathise with one another and

its just easier for washing and stuff as well.

Right. But its against your free will, correct? You're not allowed to leave.

No, were, were more than able to leave,

its just many of us dont because its a nice place.

Can youI think your, um, child locks on.

One last question. Your chores.

Is that some sort of forced, unpaid labour?

No, no.

Its just in order to manage a property like that,

everybody needs to kind of chip in and contribute to the management of it.

Its kind of how we eat and drink and stuff.

I think the child locks on, mate.

[Adam] Today didnt go very well.

I feel like they didnt say anything too incriminating which means

I cant empathise with them long enough for my audience to

enjoy their own non-empathetic response.

Its just

...how am I supposed to make a documentary

when theyre being so nice and reasonable?

It was in that moment I realised perhaps I'd been focussing

on the wrong freaks all along.

So I decided to meet the true sickos in our culture.

[theme music]

[Adam] This is Dave.

[Dave] I'm addicted to watching shame-porn documentaries.

[inhales sharply]

[Adam] Yeah, what, what do you like most about them?

Oh, I I guess I like watching people weirder than me

cos it takes a bit of the burden off me being a better person.

[Adam] Thats right.

This man loves shame-porn documentaries,

which showcase the train-wrecked lives of people that arent Dave.

[Dave] So do they all, like, root each other?

[Adam] I think so, yes.

[Adam] My journey at an end,

its time for me to sum up this documentary with sympathetic questions

that make my purpose seem benign all along.

Arent we all like Dave?

Dont we all like watching television

that showcases people whose lives are in the toilet?

Theyre fucken weird. I'm glad I'm not like them.

[Adam] Arent we, in some way, like him?

Absolutely not. Were all better than someone else.

And this has been my documentary series, "Thats Curious".

- [seagulls squawk] - [water laps]

[melancholy music]

[narrator] Day 247.

Sharks mock me, circling below.

And clouds mock me, circling above.

Never once offering the solace of a single drop of rain.

[sinister music]

Madness has taken me.

I killed the others. Ate them.

And occasionally wear their skin as a shield

from the unforgiving wrath of the sun.

Another worrying sign of the madness taking hold is...

...that I've found myself sort of wanting to see The Matrix 4.

It must be the delirium.

And even though its most likely a cynical ploy

to leverage a collective nostalgia

and despite the legacy being thoroughly debased by those other two movies,

I find myself swayed by the promise of some lovely fights.

And Neo will do that thing with his hand where he beckons someone

to come fight with him. Its kind of cool.

No! No, I must hold fast. I must retain my faculties.

[horn sounds]

[sailor] Hey you there! Stay calm. Well throw you a rope.

No! Ah, yes! Yes!

[sailor] With any luck,

well get you back to land in time to see the new Matrix film!

What?

What?

Nah.

Jog on!

[narrator] Fate, it seems...

[shouting from raft] I'm fine.

...is not without a hint of irony.

I'm cool. Just having a nice time.

I'm relaxing!

[laughs deliriously]

[theme music]

[woman] Oh, yes, I remember that.

[man] Yes, I remember that.

[funky theme music continues]

[indistinct overlapping chatter]

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