Original subtitles

[door slams]

[Paul] Sorry Im late, bloody chain came off--

Shhh!

Whats this, musical statues--

Be quiet, Paul, were trying to hear my phone.

[pouring cereal]

Angela, can you just stop that, please?

[loud crunching]

[phone rings]

-Thats it. -[Janette] Oh, sorry, thats mine.

[phone ringing]

Just answer it, Janette.

Oh, this sodding thing!

Youre not trying to smash it, just use one finger and slide.

-Let me help. -[Paul] No, leave her.

She has got to learn.

Oh, Ive missed it now.

[Trish] Right, come on, Karl, you can help me search the bins.

Hows the training going?

Twenty K this morning, Nat, barely felt it.

[exhales loudly]

Im in better shape now than when I got married.

Missus loves it.

Were like a pair of randy teenagers.

He is humming.

How can someone stink that much and not notice?

Youre going to have to tell him.

Oh, seriously, Janette. I cannot tell Paul Franks he stinks.

Oh, fine, Ill do it.

I cant stand another day of him ponging like creamy onions.

Im armpit height to him. It makes my eyes water.

["Work" playing]

[loud kissing]

Bryony, can you not leave your boyfriend alone for two minutes?

Hes not my boyfriend.

-[Reon] You said I was. -When?

Under the couch at crap Dawns party.

That was you?

Fine, go on then.

Right, you lot, hands in pockets.

I might mean 'cause of them. It's not a peep show.

I need sponsoring.

Im doing a charity bike ride to raise money for the air ambulance.

What is it? Lands End-John OGroats?

Wolverhampton Aberdovey. Can I put you down a pound a mile?

No, thats over a hundred quid.

Mm. Well, lets hope youre never involved in a multi-car pile-up on the M6,

in need of air rescue.

Yeah, lets.

-What are you doing? -Cleaning.

If you want to clean something, do the disabled toilet.

Someones done a right Bobby Sands.

Oh smashing, Ill get the special bleach.

[Karl] Have you checked your car?

[Trish] My cars in for its MOT. Karl, Ive got to find it.

Its got confidential work e-mails and... pictures on it.

Confidential work pictures?

No, not work pictures, sensitive pictures of--

...of me and Tom that I, mistakenly, took on my work phone.

Oh no, Trish. Why have you not deleted them? Youve split up.

Theyre happy memories Im not ready to let go of just yet.

Well, can you see your... face in them?

Amongst other things, Karl, yes.

Okay, well lets just retrace your steps.

So you left the flat this morning.

Yeah. So, Ive left the flat, and Im walking down the street.

-What can you see? -Theres a girl.

Shes on her way to school. Her bags too big for her.

Theres some bully girls... theyre picking on her.

The leaders wearing a puffer jacket.

Trish, I think you might have regressed back to you childhood.

[Trish] No, I got the bus with them.

-The girl. -The one with the big backpack?

[Trish] No the other one, the bully girl, the one with the puffer jacket.

She fell on me when the bus went around the corner.

She must have stolen my phone when she landed on me.

Youll have to call her then. She cant get away with that.

You are so right.

-Who does she think she is? -[Karl] Ugh!

[keypad dial tone]

-[voicemail message] -[beep]

[angrily] Right, listen, you vicious little cow, return my phone.

Because if you dont, oh, youd better watch your back,

because we know people.

Yeah, were in a gang. And dont think I cant identify you.

You had a very distinctive puffer jacket on.

She got served.

Yes, she did.

[phone rings]

Speak, bitch!

Oh sorry... yes, I have lost my phone!

Thank you so much! Where are you?

Thats brilliant, Im on my way.

-Found it. [chuckles] -[Karl] Yeah.

Yes!

-[Trish giggles] -[Karl grunts nervously]

-Whos got it? -A man.

Hes on an industrial estate in Walsall.

Okay, I havent got a car.

How would you get to Walsall in a hurry?

-I wouldnt. -Oh, great. Thanks, Karl.

[Trish] Can you lower the seat?

Well, not without a wrench.

Well can you raise the handlebars then?

Its a classic racer, Trish, its built for aerodynamics.

-Ready? -Yep.

No. No, Ive changed my mind. This is ridiculous. Ill just get a taxi.

Here. Ill give you a backie.

Im not a child, Paul.

Can you lift me off, please?

[Trish gasping]

Natalie, Im going to Walsall to get my phone.

So, Deputy, youre Sheriff while Im out of town.

Okay, lets hope I dont have to shoot any Indians!

Oh God, sorry, I didnt mean...

Um...

Its looking quite busy down there, Natalie.

A little management tip:

Get on top of your appointments,

dont let your appointments get on top of you. Yeah?

[loud kissing]

I cant sign you on like this, its against data protection.

Were in love. We dont keep anything from each other.

Hes even seen my secret scar.

She sat on a broken see-saw.

[Natalie] Okay.

So, it says on your CV

that youre a qualified shaman?

Clairvoyant, spiritual communicator, call it what you will,

I have a very special gift.

It hasnt got you much work though, has it?

Well, Ive recently suffered a great loss.

My mother passed over to the spirit realm.

Sorry to hear that. Lets get you signed on.

[Keith] It was quite beautiful, actually. Mums aura turned a wonderful sky-blue

and a complete sense of calm filled the entire intensive care unit.

Even the bloke with emphysema two beds up stopped wheezing.

-Did he pass on as well? -No, a problem with his ventilator.

Oh... well, thats good. Right--

[Keith] And thats when her spirit left her body

and became one with the cosmos.

I mean she was up against it, she fought bloody bravely,

but in the end what finished her off was the fact that her moon was waning.

That, and massive kidney failure.

You know, you have a very tense energy, Natalie,

have you thought of using crystals?

Only meth. [chuckles]

Sorry, I shouldnt have said that. Okay, thats you all signed on.

Right, well, cant hang around. Got to get going now.

Going to see a bloke in Coventry whose chakras are completely fucked.

Oh, youre kidding?

-Karl. -[Karl] Mmm?

That bloke didnt sign his ES24.

Oh. He wont get his money, then. Youll have to get him back.

I cant, he talks for England and Im already half an hour behind.

I'll just have to do it for him.

Youre the boss.

["I Believe" playing]

Whoever did that in the toilet is clearly very ill.

Yeah, well, if theyve used it to write on the walls, Janette,

we may have to consider the possibility it was deliberate.

Probably for the best Trish got a taxi.

Shed have got all sweaty riding your bike.

Yeah, well, shes gone to Walsall, itd probably have got nicked anyway.

[Janette] Yeah.

Do you worry about getting sweaty on your bike?

Because some people when they sweat they smell a bit and--

Hang about… Walsall?

Yeah. Its a factory or something.

You let Trish go on her own to a factory in Walsall?

Yeah. Some bloke called, said he got her phone.

You let her go on her own to meet a complete stranger?

In a factory? In Walsall!

Ive sent her into a nest of vipers.

And by vipers I mean factory workers from the Black Country.

["Work" playing]

-[car screeches and brakes heavily] -[Paul] Oi, watch it, knobhead!

I need to book some holiday.

You know how to do that, dont you? You're deputy manager.

Yes, I can do that.

Go on then.

-You going anywhere nice? -Specialist hotel in the Lake District.

Great, does it do, um... activities, water sports?

I certainly hope so.

Is it me or is this computer really slow? [chuckles]

Its you. Put me down for the last week in June

when youve worked it out.

-She hates me. -She hates everyone.

Sorry, Natalie, Id just got to the train station

and my spirit guide reminded me I'd forgotten to sign me form.

-Pardon? -I didnt sign me form to get me benefits.

Oh, dont worry.

-[whispers] I signed it for you. -You what?

I bent the rules a bit and signed it for you so youd still get your money.

-Thats fraud. -No, no thats not fraud.

-I mean, it is fraud, but its good fraud. -Its helpful fraud.

You know youve done wrong, Natalie.

Your energys gone a guilty sort of red. Along with your face.

I want to see your manager.

["Work" playing]

I was just trying to be a good manager, Im such an idiot.

-Youre not an idiot. -I am an idiot. Angelas right,

-Im not cut out for this job. -You are cut out for this job.

Right, I am going to fix this.

-How? -I've absolutely no idea.

Im going to need more bleach; its all up the light fitting!

Janette... have you not been on the welcome desk?

No, Ive been up to my elbows all morning.

Come with me.

["Work" playing]

[man] Oi! Oi!

Alright, darling.

[wolf whistle]

Excuse me, Im looking for Connor?

Are you the woman who left the voicemails?

Yes, Im sorry for calling you a vicious little cow.

And a bitch.

And that.

[sighs]

-How can I be sure this is your phone? -Oh, um, Im not sure Ive got any I.D.

Have you got any distinguishing features?

-What do you mean? -[Connor] You know, tattoos, moles.

Birthmark in the shape of a 50 pence piece on your left arse cheek?

I beg your pardon.

-Nice tits by the way. -[chuckles]

Okay. That phone is the personal private property of a person

and you have no right to look at my tit pictures.

-We only had a quick look. -Give it back, right now.

Okay, sorry.

-Good grief. -Trish.

-Paul, what are you doing here? -Making sure youre alright.

Im fine.

[grunts] Got a stitch. Any chance of a glass of water?

You the lucky bloke in them dirty pictures?

-Eh? -On her phone.

Are them your clock weights on her chin?

But I dont look anything like Trish.

Doesnt matter, he doesnt know what Trish looks like.

-Please, Janette, I could get the sack. -Well, were not having that.

Brilliant. So just pretend you are Trish.

-Copy how she acts, how she talks. -[Janette] Okay.

[imitating Trish] "Teamwork makes the dream work, Karl."

-Not bad. -"Fine, fine, Im fine."

-[both chuckle] -Thats good.

"Im having lots of sex with a younger man." [laughs]

Bit too much.

-Oh, what about Angela? -Already taken care of.

Shes going to be occupied for at least the next hour.

What have you done to find work in the last two weeks?

[Graham] Ive been wearing this tie.

Youve been wearing a tie?

I see.

Ill be perfectly honest with you... it hasnt really worked.

You surprise me.

I think people see me wearing it

and they assume that Im already a high-flying business executive.

But Karl has put me onto a job that he really thinks I should go for.

Welfare assistant in a cats' home?

He reckons Ill be perfect for it.

Ill be the judge of that. Why do you want to work in a cats' home?

[Graham] Cats are very clever.

I believe theyre at the top of the evolutionary ladder.

Next time they evolve theyll be able to speak...

and write.

I couldnt agree more.

Its cats, us, then monkeys.

[Trish] Oh, what a fool.

I should have deleted these when we split up.

Stupid, really.

Thats it.

All gone. Goodbye, Tom.

Im so lucky no-one else can see those pictures.

Unless he put them up on the internet.

What? People dont do that, do they?

Apparently, some men do like to share amateur pornography.

Oh, buggeration, Paul, what if Ive gone viral?

I could check online for you.

Im going to need to know a few details so I know what to look for.

Just Google "naked ladies".

We might need to be a bit more specific.

Okay, um...

try: "Naked Dragons Den".

Tom was into it.

He used to pretend to be a young entrepreneur

in need of... investment.

I was Deborah Meaden. Just type it in.

[Paul] Um...

is that you?

[Trish] No.

Shes amazing.

[Paul grunts]

Did you really think that could be me?

I dont see why not.

Thank you.

Do you know what? Forget it.

If there are pictures of you online, good luck to the blokes that find them.

Youve got nothing to be ashamed of.

Yeah, youre right.

I have... a cracking chassis.

I should probably keep looking, just to make sure.

[keyboard clicking]

Remember, youve got to show youre in charge, so really go for it.

Trish?

This is Mr. Taylor.

[Janette] Hello, good afternoon, sir.

Im Trish, Trish Collingwood, manager of Brownall Job Centre.

Take a seat and well get to the bottom of this.

Thank you, kindly.

Ill just get your claim details up on the, um...

do-dah.

We understand youd like to make a complaint.

I am really sorry.

I think Im entitled to compensation.

I beg your pardon?

Ive suffered severe emotional distress due to gross misconduct.

I have a feeling that Im entitled to compensation

of between two and four thousand pounds.

Oh, so thats your game, is it?

People like you make me sick.

-Trish-- -[Janette] Shut up, Karl.

You almost got this young lady the sack, and what for, a quick buck?

What have you go to say for yourself?

If youre Trish Collingwood... Then whos that?

Are you lying to me as well?

That is Trish Collingwood junior. Its her daughter.

What, and shes the manager of a job centre as well, is she?

She was, but she went...

dead.

She did a dead, shes dead.

[Keith sighs]

No wonder this room is filled with such angry energy.

What happened?

She drowned.

[stutters] While she was on a ferry.

To... Gibraltar. Yeah, she fell overboard.

It was her life-long dream to see the monkeys.

And despite all the pain and suffering I went through...

the heartache of losing little Trish...

I never once claimed for compensation.

Oh, youre right, Trish. Im really sorry.

I must have just let material greed overtake me for a second.

Ive also recently lost someone close, my mother, so I understand your pain.

I miss her every day, I miss her laugh, I miss her hair.

She had magnificent hair.

[Keith] Reminders are everywhere.

Let me reach across the cosmic void and contact her.

-What? -Were going to have a séance.

Its what big Trish and little Trish need.

You really dont have to do that.

No, I do, Natalie, I need to restore my karma.

Ive been a fucking twat.

Thank you, Paul. And needless to say, this goes no further.

My silence can be bought...

with sponsorship money for my bike ride.

Oh well, its the least I can do.

[Paul] Ta, its basically like the Tour de France.

But, you know, in Wales.

-Heres 20. -Oh, you are most kind.

Fifteen for the air ambulance, five for you to buy antiperspirant.

You smell a little bit like an old, damp towel.

Okay.

Jesus wept.

Why didnt anyone tell me?

[Keith] So lets hold hands to form a strong psychic bond.

Beloved Trish, please commune and move among us.

Thats it. I can feel her presence.

-Shes with us. -She will be in a minute.

Is she coming through you, Karl?

Yep. Uh, yep. She is.

Shes says, "Everything's fine and we should all just get back to work."

What else is she saying, Karl?

Come on, focus your mind.

Ask her what happened on the boat.

She got drunk with a load of Polish truckers... and tripped.

It wasnt murder. Shes at peace.

So you can stop grieving and that she loves you.

Oh... God bless her soul.

She says shell see you soon, but not too soon.

And, uh... oh, oh no shes gone.

[Trish clears throat]

Whats this? Oh, not my scented candles.

Flipping heck.

[Keith] Mum said she wanted her ashes made into a firework

and set off over Cannock Chase.

What a way to go.

It combined her two loves: explosives and Cannock.

Now youve made a psychic connection with Trish

you may feel that she's a constant presence in your life.

I do.

[Keith] Maybe next time Im in I could bring the Ouija board, 'cause then we--

Shes with us.

Can you see her?

No, no, I cant see anything. Can you, Karl?

Nope, nothing.

I think shes ready to move across.

Lovely, see you then.

Safe journey, cosmic traveller.

Right, see you in a fortnight then. Ta-ra.

See? Told you there was nothing to worry about.

-My hero. -[Karl chuckles]

Well, heros a bit strong, maybe just... no, okay, heros fine.

[Reon] What you wearing?

Youve seen what Im wearing, youve been with me all day.

Im doing phone sex.

Make it up.

Im not doing that here, lets go to the park.

-Fine, hang up then. -No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

[Trish] I tell you what, Ill hang up.

Do you think this is a good use of job centre resources?

Bryony?

Nothing else to do, no-one's signing us on.

What?

Oh, hello. Everything alright?

Anything happen while I was away?

No, no.

All quiet.

A bit too quiet.

Only, Bryony says nobodys been signing anybody on.

You on top of appointments?

We are yeah, just... Angelas being really slow.

Angela.

Lion-O, Garfield, Top Cat, Henrys Cat--

Stop naming fictitious cats.

You asked me to name the different breeds.

Thundercat is not a breed of cat.

Youre not going to get them in a cats' home, are you?

Well, no... they live in a castle.

If you ever work with animals...

I will report you to the RSPCA.

Thank you.

["Work" playing]

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