All language subtitles for The G G

Whoo! Oh, this time
next week, California.

Were you ever there?

Oh, sure. For 6 weeks.

I was touring
with a musical.

Middle of December,
I was swimming.

What part
were you playing?

Oh, I was in
the dancing chorus.

Did you have any songs?

No, I couldn't
hit the notes.

I just moved my lips.

The other 18 girls
did the singing.

What was the show
you did?

Oklahoma, a revival.

You're always doing
revivals. How come?

Well, somebody
has to do it.

Ha ha.

We're gonna live
out in the valley.

It is so beautiful there.

I heard it's very hot
in the valley

with fake palm trees.

They're not fake.

You can reach out
your window

and pick oranges
and lemons.

I remember staying
with grandma.

I was 4 1/2.

Oh, you were never 4 1/2.
You were born 26.

What are the birds like
out there?

Oh, they're just
the same as here

except they're out there.

I hear they say oar-ange

instead of orange.
So?

You think Tony
will be a movie star?

No, not yet.
He's just an actor.

Stars have to be
actors first,

don't they?

Yeah, well, it helps.

But one day,
kids in school might say

"hey, is Tony deforest
your father?"

He isn't really
my father, is he?

Well, maybe one day.

I've heard that before.

Oh, shut up!

Can I show Tony all
my new clothes first?

Later. You have
homework to do.

Homework? Why?

We're moving
to California next week.

But they have
homework there, too,

you know.

They do? I thought
they just skateboarded all day.

Oh. Smart ass.

Can I just show him
my blue sweater

and my new jeans?
All right.

But brush your hair
and wash your face.

And no makeup.

Tony! Hey, tone, you home?

I got you a present.

Hon, you in the bathroom?

Oh. Bloomingdale's
was on sale.

We cleaned 'em out.

But we can't exchange
anything.

I bought you a present.

Tony, come take a look.

Tony?

Tony?

Tony?

Oh, my god!

What happened?

He's gone.

He left without us.

For California?

For Italy.

Huh?

Can I read it?

"Dear Paula,

this isn't
an easy letter to write."

Doesn't start off
too good, does it?

"Where the hell
do I begin?

You know you and the kid
mean a lot to me."

The kid?

"I turned down
the job in L.A.

"It was just a lousy
TV movie anyway.

"On Monday,
Stan fields called.

He got me a picture
with Roberto Ben...Benigno."

Benigni.

Who's Roberto benigni?

He's an Italian director.

What did he direct?

What do I know?
What are you

asking me questions
like that now for?

"It's a 6-month shoot
in Spain and Italy.

"It's a hell of a part,
Paula, and I want it.

I broke my ass..."

All right.
That's enough.

Let me have that.

"Ass." I've heard
the word before.

"I broke my ass for
12 years in this town,

"and things

"are finally beginning
to break for me.

"I told you

"when you first moved
in here with me

"that it was never
going to be permanent.

Hell, I'm not even divorced
from Patty yet."

Who's Patty?

I told you about her.

No, you didn't.

I thought you'd be upset

if you were living
with a married man.

I wasn't living with him.
You were.

I was in the next room.

I'm sorry!

"I left early today

"because I didn't think
a good-bye scene

would do any of us
any good."

This is one
of the worst letters

I've ever read
in my whole life.

Isn't it terrible?!

"I wish I had something
to leave you and the kid."

He didn't leave us
anything?

No.

"I had to sell my watch
and my camera

to pay off
the loan sharks."

He owed money to sharks?

I'll explain it
to you later.

"But I know
you'll be all right.

You can always
go back to dancing."

Dancing?! I'm 36.

I can hardly walk anymore.

"You deserve more
than I can give you."

Why? What'd he give us?

"I wish you everything.
Love to the kid."

Don't read anymore.

It's just one more word.

"Tony."

Does this mean we're not
going to California?

Then I bought
the wrong clothes today.

Oh.

I can't sleep, either.

Oh. Come here. Come here.

Is this all we have
in the bank?

Ok.

Let's sell
the furniture.

It's not ours.

Some mother I am.

It's not you.

It's the guys
you lived with.

Think I would have
learned my lesson.

Next time you see me
talking to an actor,

just kick me in the...

We'll be all right.

You still love me, hmm?

Maybe we could
borrow money

from the sharks.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Arch your back, 7, 8.

And down...

I see you, Paula.

That's right.
Arch your back.

Get that knee up.
Thank you.

Paula, what have you done
to your body?

It died. Have
a little respect.

Nice. Get ready
to turn.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Half a second.
Beautiful.

Everybody happy?
Let's go.

And...

Arch the back.

Paula.

I thought that was you.

Donna Douglas. I was in
south pacific with you.

Oh, the revival.
Hi, Donna.

Tough gettin' back
into shape, isn't it?

It's been 2 years.

It's amazing
how flabby you get

when you think
you're happy.

Hey, uh, you know
I lived with Bobby.

Bobby who?

Bobby Kulig,
your ex-husband.

Oh. I guess the marriage
slipped my mind.

Hey, uh,

you still livin'
with Tony deforest?

I don't think so.

I didn't see him
at breakfast.

Hi.

Sorry.
Oh.

You leavin' tonight
or tomorrow?

I'm sorry. What was
that, Mrs. Crosby?

Just checkin' on
what time you're vacatin'.

Oh, uh, we're not
going to California.

I forgot to tell you.

Well, I'm not the only one
you forgot to tell.

That apartment's been sublet.

What are you talking about?

We're paid up through June.

You can't sublet
the apartment.

I'm not.
Your man did, honey.

He sublet our apartment?

Yes. He notified me
a few days ago.

It was his name
on the lease.

So he could do
what he wants.

You just be sure you leave it
the way you found it.

Wait,
I'm not leaving it.

I cleaned that
and painted it

and decorated it,

and I don't care
what he did.

I am not getting out.
Do you understand?

Ain't my business, honey.

You can take that up
with the subletee.

I don't want no trouble
in my building.

That bastard.

That no-good bastard.

Uh-huh.

I'm not cleanin' that up.

What's a subletee?

Someone who's not getting
into this apartment.

Why should he?
It's ours, isn't it?

No, it's Tony's.

He rented it out
to somebody else.

He rented out
our apartment?

What a crap-head.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Maybe it's Tony.

Maybe he
changed his mind

and came back.

Oh, you are so young.
Stay here.

Who is it?

Elliot Garfield.

Who?

Elliot Garfield
from Chicago.

Is Tony in?

Uh, there's no Tony here.

There isn't?
Tony deforest?

Uh, there's no one
by that name here.

Uh, wait...Wait...
Wait a second.

3...3a.

That's, uh, no.
That's the...

It's the right
apartment.

I was here once
about 2 years ago.

Well, there's still
no Tony deforest here.

Could you open
the door a second?

Uh, not at
5 after 12:00 I can't.

Look, you got a latch.
Keep it locked.

I just want...I just
wanna talk to you.

Make it fast.
My husband is sleeping.

There's gotta be
some mistake.

I just sublet
this apartment

from this
friend of mine,

Tony deforest.
He lives here.

Well, that'll be news
to my husband Charlie.

Look, I got
a receipt in my pocket

for 3 months' rent.
I...I sent him a check.

I'm supposed to
move in tomorrow.

But I came in early.
Because, you know,

I start work
in the morning.

You look
a little confused.

Could I speak
to your husband?

He'll be at the 37th precinct
at 9:00 in the morning.

Charlie D'agostino.
Homicide. Goodnight.

I'll just call
detective Charlie Argentino.

Who was it?

Never mind.

Didn't sound like
"never mind" to me.

Tony rented the apartment
to someone.

But I'm not giving it up.
It's ours.

Go to sleep.

He rented it? You mean
we have to leave?

Over my dead body.

What if they force us?

Let 'em try.

He rented
the apartment.

That's a double
crap-head.

It's not for me.

All my friends
are sleeping.

Hello?

Mrs. D'agostino?

Who's calling?

You know who is calling.

I was just up there,
Mrs. D'agostino.

Missis who?

D'agostino.

And how come your phone answers
to Tony deforest's number?

And how come the key
he sent me fedex

opens your door, huh?

Huh? You wanna answer
those questions?

No, why don't
you answer them?

All right, I will.
The answer is because

somethin' fishy
is goin' on up there.

Now I'm wet as a herring,
missis whatever-your-name-is,

and I don't have
a place to sleep tonight,

and now, according to
my non-waterproof watch,

it's 20 after 12:00,

and that apartment
belongs to me.

Now, do I
come up there right now

and discuss this amicably

or storm the place
in the morning?

I have a gun.
I'll use it if I have to.

You have a gun?

If you believed it,
maybe he will.

Change! Change!

I need ch...I got
a pregnant wife in the lobby!

I need change!

We're in trouble,
right?

We are not in trouble.
We have our rights.

Possession is
nine tenths of the law.

What's the other tenth?

Shut up.

Betcha that's
the last tenth.

Back to bed.
I'll handle this.

Right, Mrs. D'agostino.

Hello?

I just called
the 37th precinct.

There is no Charles D'agostino
in homicide.

Then I called Rita Scott,
an old actress friend of mine.

Rita was in
the merchant of Venice

in the park this summer

with the ever popular
Tony deforest.

Rita also told me

about this girl
Tony's been living with,

a certain Paula McFadden,
a former dancer,

and her 10-year-old
daughter, Lucy.

Rita further told me
the apartment in question

is leased in the name
of Tony deforest.

She knows this for a fact.

Because Rita used to live
with Tony Desmoothie

prior to Paula and Lucy.

Now then, can we continue
this conversation

in a drier room,
Ms. McFadden?

You got a problem?

Take it up with
the housing authority.

Don't hang up.
Please don't hang up.

I don't have
any more change.

Please, god, please.

I'm soaked. I'm soaked
to the bone, Ms. McFadden.

I...I...I...I...I...

I have a very low threshold
for pneumonia.

Now, look, I don't know
what Tony told you.

But he's got my money,

I've got a lease,
and you've got my apartment.

Now one of us got screwed.
Let me rephrase that.

We have to talk this out.

And I am in no condition
financially or health-wise

to look for shelter
in the pouring rain.

If there is such a thing
as the Bleecker street flu,

I think I've got it.

Why don't you take a shot
in a convenient place?

5 minutes!
That's all I ask!

Look, in 30 seconds,
they're gonna cut us off.

My number is...
Is 212-555-0137.

It's a flooded phone booth
on Bleecker street.

If you have any compassion
in your heart...

Operator here.

60 cents for the next
3 minutes, please.

I'm trying to work it out,
operator!

If you have any compassion in
your heart, you'll call me back.

The number
is 212-555-0137.

212-555-013...

7.

Thank you.

Thank you.

5 minutes.
No. Leave the bags.

This isn't a permanent
conversation.

Oh, I'm dripping
all over your floor.

It's been
dripped on before.

I'm sorry about this.
I didn't know

there were gonna be
any complications.

Yeah, well, there's been
a lot of that going on lately.

Look, I don't blame you
for being hostile.

I get the picture.

Tony rents me
the apartment,

splits with the money.
You and your daughter

get dumped on, right?
Wrong.

Tony and I amicably
ended our relationship.

We agreed that I would
keep the apartment,

and you and your 3-month check
get dumped on.

Get the picture?

Very good,
very sharp.

Sharp New York
girl, right?

No. Dull kid
from Cincinnati.

But you get dumped on enough,
you start developing an edge.

Ok,
so what's the deal?

I got a lease
in my pocket.

You gonna honor it
or not?

I've got a daughter
in my bedroom.

That tops a lease
in your pocket.

Look, I don't
want to get legal,

but legal is on my side.

I happen to have a lawyer
acquaintance downtown.

Now all I
have to do is call

this lawyer acquaintance
of mine and...

Oh, my god.

An actor.

What?

Another lousy actor!

Ha ha!

Oh, my god.

"I have a lawyer
acquaintance." Ha ha!

That's right out
of streetcar named desire.

Oh! Stanley Kowalski
in summer stock, right?

Wrong.

I played it in Chicago
in the dead of winter.

3 1/2 months
at the Drury Lane.

Ask an actor a question,
he gives you his credits!

You want
the reviews, too?

"Elliot Garfield

brings new dimensions
to Kowalski

that even Brando hadn't
investigated," ok?

Oh, terrific.
Terrific.

Carry them around
with you, do you? Huh?

Did you rip
your own t-shirt, too?

You don't look
the he-man type.

Under these
shabby clothes,

I'm very buffed.

What are you,
a critic?

No. No, I love actors,

as long as they stay up
on the stage where they belong.

The minute they
come down in real life,

the whole world
gets screwed up.

Well, I've had enough!

I will not be kicked out
of the same apartment

by another actor!

You want your money back,
you go to Naples.

You want
this apartment,

buy me 2 tickets
to California.

You have 2 minutes to think
it over before I yell rape.

You are something.
It's a wonder

Tony didn't take a job
in the Philippines.

Your 5 minutes are up.

You know where
the door is. Remember?

Wait a minute.
Calm down, will you?

What if we
made a deal?

What kind of a deal?

I don't know.
Let me think of one.

I just got here.

Can I have
a cup of coffee?

No.
Don't be bashful.

Just say what's
on your mind.

All right,
here's the situation.

I know
the situation!

Just let me say it, because
I don't believe it either.

The situation is
you have no money,

but you have
my apartment.

I have a job off-Broadway...
Well, off-off-Broadway...

But no place
to sleep tonight.

Also, you have
a daughter to think of.

I'm thinking of her
right now.

Do me the favor
of hearing me out.

You're not the only one
who can yell rape, you know.

I think the only
practical solution

is to share
the apartment.

I accept.

What?

I accept.

I might be stubborn,
but I'm not stupid.

You mean it?

I have a daughter
who goes to school,

and I have to look
for a job.

You have a key.

I would have to
stand guard all day

to keep you out.

So you win.
Get your bags.

You get
the small room.

What the hell am I
getting myself into?

Where are you?

Oh! I'm...I'm sorry.

I got the wrong room.

Hello.

You must be Lucy.

That's right.

I'm Elliot Garfield.

I'm moving in
the other room.

Oh?

I'm a friend of Tony.
Tony deforest.

That's nice.
Oh, sure.

I'm an actor, too.

Does my mother know?

Oh, yeah.

So I guess I'll be
seeing you around.

Guess so.

Well, good night.

Jeez.

I just met Lucy.

What did you
tell her?

That I'm moving in.

She seemed to
take it in stride.

Yeah, well, you grow up
fast in this apartment.

I'll get the rest of
her things in the morning.

Can you make a bed?

I think so.

Good luck.

Hey, listen.

Do you think
you can stop

grinding your teeth
for 2 minutes?

The noise is
driving me crazy.

A dripping stranger
from Chicago

with a wet head
and dirty sneakers

moves into
my daughter's room,

and you expect
smiles?

You know what?
You're dynamite.

I love listening
to you talk.

I hate living with you,

but the conversation's
first-class.

This is your room.

I don't clean
or make beds.

You can use the
bathroom and the kitchen

when I'm not in it

and wash it up
when you're through.

You pay
your own food,

laundry, linens,
and phone calls.

I would appreciate
some quiet

between 6:00 and
9:00 every night,

because that is when
Lucy does her homework,

and I don't care what
you drink or smoke,

as long
as it's not drugs

in front of my
10-year-old daughter.

Now, do we have
everything straight?

No.

No?

I'm not crazy
about this arrangement.

You're not?
Definitely.

I pay the rent.
I'll make the rules.

I take showers

every morning.

So don't have
your little panties

drying on the rods.

I like to cook.

So I'll use the kitchen
whenever I damn please.

I'm very careful
with my condiments,

so keep your salt
and pepper to yourself.

I play the guitar in
the middle of the night,

and I meditate first thing
in the morning,

complete with chanting
and burning incense.

So if you've
got to move around,

let's have
a little tiptoeing.

Also, I sleep
in the nude, buffo,

with the windows open.

Winter, summer,
rain, or snow.

Also, I may have to
go to the potty

or to the fridge
late at night,

and I don't feel
like wearing jammies,

which I don't own
in the first place.

So unless you're looking
for a quick thrill

or your daughter
an advanced education,

I'd keep
my door closed.

Those are my rules
and regulations.

How's that grab you?

And what if I say no?

I have this
lawyer acquaintance.

I accept.

Oh, we're moving
right along.

I don't like this,

and I don't think
I like you.

Because I'm an actor?

Coupled with
your personality.

Oh. It's probably why
we were thrown together.

One of god's
little jests.

Well, if you'll move
your shapely little Fanny

out of my room,

I'll unpack
and dry my beard.

Ms. McFadden?

You forgot
to say good night.

I was working
on good-bye.

How long
is he gonna stay?

As long
as he lets us.

Go to the bathroom.

I don't
have to go now.

Well, save it till morning.
It's not safe out there.

Good night.

No kiss?

I'm angry. I don't
want to lose it.

What the hell?

Listen to that.
Did that guitar wake you?

No, you did.

Oh, sorry.

Is he gonna play
that all night?

Put the pillow
over your ears.

I'll smother.

It's better
than that guitar.

Who is it?

Very funny.
Can I come in?

The door is open.

Are you decent?
Yes.

Do you realize it's
3:00 in the morning,

and my daughter
has to...

God, you're naked.

I thought you said
you were decent.

I am decent.

I also happen
to be naked.

Remember?
I said "buffo."

I have a growing
daughter inside

who's not gonna grow
on 2 hours of sleep a night.

Do you have to play
that thing at this hour?

Yes. It helps me
to fall asleep.

Have you ever
tried pills?

I don't know
how to play pills.

It's not hard.

You pop them in your
mouth and swallow.

I'm a person of health.

I do not put unnatural
things in my body.

Music is one
of nature's sedatives.

If you just listen to it
instead of fighting it,

we'll all be asleep
in 5 minutes.

If it really
bothers you,

take 2 sleeping pills
and stick one in each ear.

♪ Bom bom ♪

♪ bom bom ♪

♪ bom bom ♪

He won't stop.

I have a lawyer acquaintance,
too, I can get.

Just take deep breaths

and count to 100.

I'm sorry, baby.

I am so sorry
you got caught

in the middle of all this.

Lucy? Lucy?

Why does he
have to play naked?

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah...

What's that?

It sounds like god.

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah...

Uhh.

5 to 6:00.

Boy, does god
get up early.

I smell strawberries
burning.

It's incense.

What's incense?

It's what I’m
feeling right now.

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah...

You know
it's 5 to 6:00...

In the morning.

Isn't there a church
where you can do that?

Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah

Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah Wah...

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah

Wah Wah Wah Wah

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah

Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah.

Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah.

Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah Wah.

Wah Wah Wah Wah
Wah Wah Wah Wah

Wah Wah Wah.

Was that the last chorus?

I am in
a blissful state,

so don't bug me.

Is this gonna be
the regular routine:

Guitars at night
and humming in the morning?

I've been in musicals that
didn't have this much music.

This morning,
I start rehearsals

for my first
New York play.

It's probably the most
important day of my life.

My entire career
may depend on it.

And am I nervous,
Ms. McFadden?

No, no, I'm not nervous,

because I have
meditated.

I am calm.

I am relaxed.
I am confident.

You, on the other hand,
did not meditate.

Therefore, you are
a pain in the ass.

Today is an
important day

for me, too,
Mr. Garfield.

I'm auditioning

for a new musical
this morning.

Well, a revival
of a new musical.

I slept 17 minutes
last night,

thanks to you,

and with the bags
I have under my eyes,

unless this musical

is about bitter,
old ladies,

I don't have
a chance in hell.

Are you listening to me?

What is that slop you're
putting in my dishes?

Wheat germ,
soya, lecithin,

natural honey.
Everything organic.

My body is a temple,

and I am worshiping it
to the health god.

It's what gives me
my vitality, energy,

and wonderful disposition.

I happen to be 63 years old,
Ms. McFadden, and look at me.

Can I fix you a bowl?

This...is not gonna
work out, you know?

Uh, I mean, I...

Really don't
know you well enough

to truly dislike you,

but you're just...

Too weird to live with.

Why don't you

try to find yourself
another place,

and I will pay you back
all your money

once I get a job?

But you're forgetting
this is my apartment.

You're living here on
an Elliot Garfield Grant.

You really ought
to try this.

It has all-bran in it.

It cures irregularity,
which might be your problem.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Hey.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Sorry.

Excuse me.
Thanks.

Hey.
Hey.

I already signed in for you.

Ok, good.

Yeah, every kid
with 10 toes is here.

Oh, my god.
They're so young.

Aren't they too young
to work in this theater?

Why am I so nervous?
Are you nervous?

No, just old.

There's a girl
on line

who goes
to Lucy's school.

The boy on the left...
And the girl on the right.

Justin Arnolds,
Emily Franz.

The rest of you,
thank you for coming.

Ok,

next group
onstage, please.

Think positive.

Yeah, mention it
to my legs.

2 lines, please.

Girls at the front.

Paula?

Is that you?

Oh! Yes.

It's Ronnie burns.

Oh! Hi, Ronnie!

I thought you gave
all this up?

Yeah, I just picked the
wrong one to give it up for.

You been keeping in shape?

Uh, yeah.
I never stopped.

You wanna show me?

Unless I can take
a written test.

Ok, Eddie.

Oh, god.

A few basic impossible
steps, kids,

so, pay attention.

Ready?

5, 6, 7, and,

1, 2, 3, and 4,

5, 6, 7, kick.

Step, step,
ba-duh, ba-duh.

Reach...reach...

Prepare and single...

Chasse, jete,
...And finish.

All right, everybody,
up to tempo.

The girl on the right
and the boy in the middle.

Paula.

A little rusty,
but not bad.

My problem is,
I need them very...Young.

Young...

Ok, I'm gonna
work on that.

Now, then,
what about Richard?

Now, the question is,

and this may seem
perfunctory,

was Richard
actually deformed?

Historically,
we know he was born

with a severe
curvature of the spine,

giving the impression
he is hunchbacked,

with some paralysis

of the left hand
and right foot,

some damage to the right
cheek and eyelids,

but...is this the way
we want to play Richard?

I don't think so.

Let's face it.

Richard was gay.

Well, I don't think
that's any of our business.

It is, in a sense,
a Greek tragedy.

As if Richard didn't
have enough troubles.

And he...
He wanted lady Anne

not so much
for her beauty,

but more because
a romance with her

would take
the heat off him

in the English court.

How do I think
we should play Richard?

As an Adonis.

A man whose beauty

would put lady Anne's
to shame.

So, let's get rid
of the hump.

Let's get rid of
the twisted extremities

and show him as he
really would be today,

not desirous of becoming
king of England,

but rather of being
belle of the ball.

Uh...

Yes, Elliot?

I have a question.

Are you serious?

W-W-What's your
objection, Elliot?

Well, uh, number one:
I have to play it.

I like the hump
and the club foot,

I've been
working on it for 3 months.

And I respect that,
Elliot.

That's...that's
why we're here.

An exchange
of ideas.

Heh.

Um, tell me,
how do you...

How do you see
Richard?

Well, uh, I don't think

he's a middle linebacker
for the Chicago bears,

but let's not toss away
one of his prime motivations.

And what's that?

Well, he wants to get
lady Anne in the sack.

That's just a rumor.

I don't want to press
this, uh, Elliot,

but let's just
try it my way.

Trust me, Elliot.

I know when
to hold back.

Why don't we read
through the first act?

How far off this diving board
do you want me to go?

Well...

Don't give me
Bette Midler,

but let's not
be afraid to be bold.

Bold?

Yes.

"Act one,
scene one.

"Enter Richard,

Duke of
Gloucester."

"Now is...

"Now...

"Now...

"Now...

"Now...now...

"Now...

"Now...

"Now...now is...

"Now is...

"Now...Now is the...

"Now is the...

"Now...

"Now is...

"Now is the...

"Now...now is the...

"Now is the...Now is the...

"Now, is the..."

Can we take
a 5-minute break?

Let's. Let's.

38...

39...

40.

Whoo! That's it.

I can't do any more.

60. You said 60.

Oh, my muscles are gone.
I can't dance.

It was a dumb idea.

I'm going to put you
up for adoption.

You wanna get me a coke?

Uh-uh. Fattening.

Get me a coke, sweetheart.

Mother doesn't want
to beat the crap out of you.

Enter, lady Anne.

Do you live alone?

Yes. Fortunately,

the other couple
who live here

also live here alone.

May I take your cape?

Hi, Lucy.
Lucy, this is Rhonda.

Rhonda, Lucy.
Lucy, Rhonda.

Rhonda, Lucy.

Hi.

Hello.

Whatcha doing?

Sitting on
my mother.

Oh, that sounds like fun.
Try to keep it down.

Rhonda and I will be
working in my bedroom.

Good night.

Good night.

I'll bet.

I heard voices.
Was that him?

Uh-huh.
He took 2 apples.

Did you write it down?

I didn't have a pencil.

I told you.

Write everything down,
remember?

If he takes a glass
of water, write it down.

This is not a hotel.

Why don't you like him?

Who invited him?

That's why
I don't like him.

If he was a lawyer
or a doctor,

instead of an actor,
would you like him?

Mm-mmm. I wouldn't
like him if I liked him.

He grates on me.

I think he's kind of cute.

He reminds me of a dog
that nobody wants.

You are never
to think he's cute.

Why did he take
2 apples?

One for him
and one for her.

What her?

He's got a girl in there.

In my home?

He has a girl
in the bedroom?

Why didn't you
say something?

Why didn't
you tell me?

Sorry.

You want me to write
down girls, too?

You knocked?

Can I speak to you
in private?

Gee, it's a bad time.
How about at breakfast?

Is that a girl in there?

Jeez, I hope so.

Not in my house.

I will not put up
with this sort of thing.

I don't understand.

You have a girl
in your room,

and I don't object.

Rhonda,
this is Ms. McFadden.

Mac lives just down
the road apiece.

Ms. McFadden,

this is Rhonda Fontana,
rising young actress.

Don't rise.

Hi.
Hello.

Can we talk?
This is serious.

Sure.
Rhonda, take a break.

Out.

Out?
Her. Out.

They have motels for
that sort of activity.

I have an impressionable
10-year-old daughter

in there,
and that is not one

of the impressions
I want her to get.

So, you get that
rising young actress

the hell out of there.

Out where? Out of my rented
apartment that you're staying in

out of the kindliness
of my heart?

I will bring home anyone
or anything I choose,

including a one-eyed
episcopalian kangaroo

if that be my kinky
inclination.

As to what
is going on in there,

we happen to be rehearsing
act one, scene 4,

from Richard III.

I have a cretin from Mars
directing this play,

and I need all
the extra work that I can get.

However, if I choose to attempt
to have carnal knowledge

of that gorgeous bod,
that will be my problem,

her option, and none
of your beeswax.

Just for the record:

What was little Lucy's
impression

of what was going on
in mama's bedroom

with Tony "love 'em
and leave 'em" deforest?

Turn out the lights,
will ya?

We're running up
a hell of a bill.

Are you ok?

I'm fine.
Go to sleep.

Are you upset because
they're messing around in there?

They are not
messing around.

They're doing
act one, scene 4,

from Richard III.

Did it ever bother you

about Tony and me?

I mean, us...

Not being married
and living together?

No.

I wanted to get
married, you know,

but he couldn't
get a divorce.

That's ok.

I just wanted
to know how you felt.

Good night,
angel.

Night.

Is that a song
from Richard III?

Dear god, please let me

be hit by a rich man
in a Rolls-Royce.

I think
I can swing it.

Thank you.
No, I'm serious.

I mean, it's funny
you should say that.

What did I say?

There's
an outside chance

I can get us both
a job at the auto show.

It's only 2 weeks' work,
but the money's not bad.

Oh, any money's not bad.
What will we have to do?

Just look pretty,
point to the cars,

say, "they're terrific."

I can do that. I can point
and say, "terrific."

A friend of mine

will let me know
this weekend.

Just keep it quiet.

What a nice person you are.

You didn't have to tell me.

Well, we were both
given the shaft

by your ex-husband.
I feel related.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Come.

Now, to curtsey
with your holy load,

taken from Paul's
to be interred there.

And still...

As you are weary
of the weight,

rest you, while I lament
king Henry's corse.

Stay,
you that bear the corse,

and set it down.

What black magician
conjures up this fiend

to stop devoted
charitable deeds?

Villains,
set down the corse,

or, by Saint Paul,

I'll make a corse
of him who disobeys.

My lord, stand back
and let the coffin pass.

Unmannered dog.

Stand thou
when I command.

Advance thy halberd
higher than my breast,

or, by Saint Paul,
I will strike thee...

My careereth is over.

I am making a horse's
asseth of myself!

Mark...

I beg you.

If you want this kind
of performance,

let me play lady Anne.

You're unhappy,
Elliot?

Not unhappy,
freakin' petrified.

The critics
will crucify me,

and the gay community,
many of them my friends,

are gonna hang me

from Shakespeare's statue
by my genitalia.

You've gotta help me, Mark.

What do you want,
Elliott?

I want my hump back.
I want my club foot.

I want a little paralysis
in my right hand...

Or my left hand.
It doesn't have to be a lot.

2 stiff fingers.

I...I need motivation.

I see.
Hmm. I see.

You want
to play it safe.

You want to give us your
starched, conventional Richard.

And why not?

They've been doing it
that way some 500 years.

Listen, what do I know?

I'm lucky
I got the part.

In Chicago, we act
differently out there.

We try to do the plays
as written.

If that doesn't go down
in New York, terrific.

I...I respect you.

You've done
off-Broadway.

I haven't.

I'm not a quitter.

I'll play Richard like
young Shirley temple

if you want,

but don't let me
look foolish.

And you feel foolish?

I feel like an asshole.

I passed foolish
on Tuesday.

We have to trust
each other, Elliot.

I do.

I was never going to
let you do it like that.

Oh, thank god!

Do you see where I'm going?

I'm trying, Mark.

Richard doesn't
have to be gay,

but let's use that
as subtext.

We'll keep it,

but now we can bring back
the hump and the club foot.

And the twisted fingers?

If you like them.

Oh, I love them.
I'm crazy about them.

Then use them, baby,
and you'll see what I'm after.

Oh, whatever.

Try it my way,
bubeleh.

I won't let you
go wrong.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Excuse me, but haven't
we met in our apartment?

Please,
I enjoy shopping.

Don't spoil this
for me, too.

Oh, relax. We don't have to
fight till we get home.

We need soap, darling.

Not in my bathroom.
Look, this is silly.

If you buy what you need,
and I buy what I need,

we could have more
than we both need.

Why don't we have
one shopping list

and split up the bill?

On what items?

Food, kitchen
and bathroom cleansers.

Everything except male
and feminine doodads.

There, you go your way,
I'll go mine.

Then we split everything?

Mm-hmm. I'll pay
my full 1/3 share.

1/3?

I'm not the one
with a daughter.

Oh, what's the matter?

Didn't lady Anne wash
her hands the other night?

Quick. Quick.
I love a quick girl.

Ok, down the middle.

Chianti.

We can't have
spaghetti marinara

without a little vino.

Oh, you can
on my budget.

Oh, please.
I'll pay for the booze.

Thin of stature, but not tight
of pocket. I'll be right out.

Can I have a bottle of your
finest cheap Chianti, please?

There's a nice
California red here for 6.99.

Nothing from Kansas?

No.

Here.
Oh! Oh!

Not this, no.

Oh. What about, uh...

That?
Hey!

Yeah, this is
more like it.

Ok?

What is it?
What's wrong?

My bag.
They took my...Bag.

Who did?

The...the car.
There were 3 of them,

and one guy jumped out,
and he grabbed my bag.

I had everything in it!

Bastards.
Dirty bastards.

You're not gonna
go after them?

After a speeding car?

Thanks.
Thanks a lot.

They could be armed.

I mean, what do you
want me to do?

Fight it out with
a can of tomato paste?

Leave me alone.
Just leave me alone.

I still think you should
go to the police and report it.

I could call if you want.

I wish you'd been that helpful
when I was being robbed.

What do you want from me?
I'm not a German Shepherd.

Oh, my god!
That's them!

That's them,
who?

The ones
who took my bag!

Stop them!
Somebody stop them!

What is this,
police woman?

Get out of my way!

I'm gonna get a bullet

right between
my freakin' eyes.

Oh!

Oh, darn it!

All right. Give it to me.
Give me her bag.

Come on, damn it!
I'm not afraid of you guys.

Get out of the car! Move!

Ok. We surrender.

Piss off,
pisshead.

Grab him, cookie.
Let's take him.

Unh! All right.
Don't get excited.

I was just asking.
I was just asking.

Freakin' humiliating.

I had all my money
in there.

Everything!

My last dollar
in the world!

Go away with your
damn Chianti!

What's Chianti
got to do with it?

You know, you could
at least thank me

for risking my life
for you.

Did you get
my bag back? No.

So, why should
I thank you?

Man, why do I have
such lousy luck?

Every time an actor
comes into my life...

I just hate
all of you!

Get away
from me, ok?!

Get away!

I really don't
think they robbed you

because I'm an actor.

And then, after I got
out of Northwestern,

I got my first summer
job in grand rapids.

Michigan.
Mm-hmm.

10 plays
in 10 weeks.

Worked like a dog.

I had hepatitis
and the mumps

and never knew it.

I thought I was just
getting yellow and fat.

Which plays?

Uh, well, let's see.

The first play
was inherit the wind.

I played the reporter.

Gene Kelly did it
in the movie.

We rented it.

Check. Check.
Gene did a nice job.

Maybe he didn't dig as deep
as I did. Who knows?

Then I did Cyrano.

Jose Ferrer. Saw it
last week on channel 9.

I used half the nose,
got twice the laughs.

It's style that counts,
not makeup.

Boy, you don't think much
of yourself, do you?

Pound for pound,

I got the biggest ego
this side of St. Louis.

In this business,

you better believe
in yourself,

otherwise,
they'll chop you up

and serve you
as an onion dip.

What else? Uh...

I was a disc jockey
for a year. No good.

You have to see my face
to appreciate the work.

Little more wine?

De ante on the Chianti.

Hey, that's good.

You're terrific
with words.

You always pick
the right ones.

Words are the canvas
of an actor.

His lips are his brushes.

His tongue the color
of the spectrum.

When he speaks,
he paints portraits.

Classy.
You're very classy.

Ah, the kid's
got a good eye.

Not like Tony.

Tony wasn't
a classy actor.

He was just,
you know...Sexy.

You don't find me sexy?

Are you kidding?

What do you know?
You're 10 years old.

In 3 years, you'll have
my picture on your wall.

Ok. It's after 9:00.
Time to do your homework.

5 more minutes?

Talk more. We never
have a good talking

like this at dinner.

Then I did a midsummer
night's dream

on public television
in Chicago.

I did the part Mickey Rooney
did in the movie.

Puck.
Right on.

Then, I got a call from
this lady producer in New York

who saw it and asked me

to come and do Richard III
off-Broadway.

Well, off-off-Broadway

are we invited
to the opening?

You really want to come?

Both of you?

Tuesday's
a school night.

We went to Tony's opening
on a school night.

I said no.

Oh, crap...
Ooh, crud. Sorry.

I think
I'm in trouble.

Good night.

Would you be interested
in my bedroom?

Are you talkin' to me?

You can have
the big bedroom

for an extra
$100 a month,

payable right now
in cash.

We'll move into yours
in the morning.

You mean a rent increase

for getting what I should
have gotten in the first place?

No, thank you.

Would you be interested
in lending me $100?

I can either pay you
back 7 1/2% interest

or do your laundry.
Take your pick.

He really
cleaned you out, huh?

Everyone from here
to Italy.

Ok.

I have $97 and change.
I'll split it with you.

Starting opening night,
I get $600 a week.

I'll make you an offer.

I'll pay all
the living expenses

until you get
yourself a job,

and I'll do my own laundry.

I see, and what
do you get?

All you have to do
is be nice to me.

You go to hell!

Would you listen
very, very carefully?

'Cause this may be
the last time

I am ever talking
to you.

Not everybody is after
your magnificent body, lady.

In the first place,
it ain't so magnificent.

Fair, maybe, but it doesn't
keep me up nights.

I don't even find you
that pretty.

Maybe if you smiled
once in a while, but who knows?

I wouldn't want you to do
anything against your religion.

You are not the only person
in this city who got dumped on.

I, myself,
am a recent dumpee.

I am a dedicated actor.

I'm dedicated
to my art and to my craft.

I value what I do,

and because of a mentally
arthritic director,

I am playing

the second-greatest
English-speaking role in history

like a double-order
of fresh California fruit salad.

When I say nice,
I mean...Nice...

Decent, fair...
Because I deserve it.

I am a nice,
decent, fair person.

I do not want
to jump your bones, and I...

I don't even want to see you
when I get up in the morning.

I'll tell you what
I do like about you.

Lucy.
Lucy is your best part.

Lucy is worth
putting up with you for.

Here. Here is...

$52 for the care and feeding
of your terrific child.

You get
zip-a-Dee doo-dah.

You need money for yourself?

You borrow it
from Lucy, ok?

I am now going inside

to meditate away
my hostility towards you,

but personally,

I don't think
it can be done.

Deformed, unfinished,

sent before my time
to this breathing world,

scarce half made up,

and so lamely
and unfashionable

that dogs bark at me
as I halt by them.

Why I, in this weep...

What?

Am I disturbing you?

Yes.
I'm sorry.

Then don't disturb me.

Well, you don't have
to snap at me.

Yes, I do.
What do you want?

What is wrong?

What's wrong?
You open tomorrow night

in front of
the New York critics

wearing a chartreuse
hump on your back.

You play Richard III

with a twisted,
paralytic hand

and pink Polish
on your nails.

I am busy trying
to figure out

how to save
my lousy career.

That's what's wrong.
What do you want?

Oh! I know! I dipped
into your peanut butter.

The alarm
must have gone off.

What do I owe you
for one finger-full

of Skippy chunky spread?

I came to pay you back
your $52.

I got a job.

Also, I want to know
if you have any bicarbonate.

Lucy's sick.

What's wrong with her?

Oh, she had 2 double
chocolate sundaes for dinner.

It's my fault.
I ordered them.

Incredible.

It's a wonder they

don't sell insurance
policies to kids.

How you feeling,
Luce?

Did you see
the exorcist?

That bad?

You better get
out of the room.

Just relax. Come on.
Flat on your back.

Don't you trust me?

I trusted my mother,
and look how I feel.

Come on,
flat on your back.

Ok.

Deep breaths.
Slow, deep breaths.

Watch this.

You think
you can do this?

I might manage it.

How's that feeling?

A little better.

How's
the play going?

Please, one sick person
at a time.

I sure wish we could
go to the opening.

You still
owe me one wish.

Today was the pits.

Sure, anything
you say.

Terrific.

Now you have to
get me a dress.

I'm sorry
about yesterday.

That was very
generous of you.

I'm not used to
the kindness of strangers.

I know...Don't say it.

Blanche Dubois
in streetcar.

It's just...

Sometimes I feel
just like her.

Every time you start
to trust a man,

they take you away
at the end of the movie.

Anyway, I'm sorry for...

I'm just...

Sorry.

If you're listening,
that's my attempt

to be nice,
decent, and fair.

How am I doin'?

Mr. Garfield?

Mr. Garfield.

Mr. Garfield, wake up.

You can't sleep
with my daughter.

Center aisle,
on the left.

This is gonna be funny.
Is it a comedy?

It's Shakespeare.

Boring.

Now is the winter
of our discontent

made glorious summer
by this sun of York.

Uh-oh.

And all the clouds that
lowered upon our house

in the deep bosom
of the ocean buried.

Now are our brows bound
by victorious wreaths.

Our bruised arms hung up
for monuments.

Our stern Alarums
changed to...

Merry meetings.

He sounds
like the guy

who works in
the beauty parlor.

I know. I know.

Be patient.

They are friends.
Ratcliff and Lovell.

Here is the head

of that
ignoble traitor,

the dangerous

and unsuspected
Hastings.

Is it over?

It is for me.

...so smooth,

he daubed his vice
with show of virtue.

The trumpet sounds.
Be copious with exclaims!

Who intercepts me
in my expedition?

Oh, she that might have
intercepted thee

by strangling...

Aah!

Rescue, my lord
of Norfolk!

Rescue! Rescue!

His horse is slain,
and all on foot he fights.

Seeking for Richmond
in the throat of death.

Rescue, fair lord!

Or else the day is lost!

A horse! A horse!

My kingdom
for a horse!

That's what I’d
give for a taxi.

Weird city.

Shh! Someone
will hear you.

Someone already
said it.

Could we
go backstage

and say hello?

I think
he'd rather be alone.

He'll know we thought it was
lousy if we don't go back.

All right.
But try to be tactful.

What's tactful?

Lie.

Brava! Bravo! Bravo!

Wonderful job, Mark.

Did you love it?

Did you really,
really love it?

It was very
interesting.

Oh, god.

She loved it, everyone!
My mother loved it!

♪ Hello ♪

Hello?

Mr. Garfield,
it's Lucy and me.

We just, um,
wanted to come back

and tell you
how much we enjoyed it.

I had the best time.

I thought the best part
was the end.

What?

We're not
gonna keep you.

Just wanted to
thank you for the tickets

and a lovely evening.

People were
talking about you

on the way out.

They wanted to
remember your name

so they'll
never forget it.

Ok, let's go.

Good night.

What was that?

I don't know.

It's broken.
That vase.

That must be
12.95 plus tax.

Are you all right?

Oh, not according
to the times.

Have you read
the times?

Do you want
some coffee?

The times said,

"Elliot Garfield
researched Richard III

"and discovered
he was England's

first badly dressed
interior decorator."

Oh, god!

God, that is tasty,
right?!

Oh!

I'll mop that up.

You know,

I never pay attention
to the critics.

Good! Then you
go on tomorrow night.

Ah! The naily...Dews...

The daily news said,

and I quote,
"it never occurred to us

"that William Shakespeare
wrote the wizard of oz.

"However, Elliot Garfield

made a splendid wicked
witch of the north!"

Tacky. That is
a tacky review.

If you're gonna kill me,
do it with panache.

I'm sorry.

Oh, what the hell?

It's just a silly,
little New York debut.

Ames, Iowa, is where
it really counts.

You don't make it
in Ames, Iowa,

you have
career trouble.

Channel 5 was honest,
direct and loose.

They said
Richard III stunk

and Elliot Garfield
was the stinkee!

Am I in bed?

If I'm in bed,
I'm not very comfortable.

I thought you

didn't put unhealthy things
in your body.

I didn't, I put it
into Richard's.

I'm trying to kill
the son of a bitch.

Oh, please,
please go to sleep.

This furniture
isn't mine.

Do you think I’m
discouraged, defeated?

Do you think
I'm gonna get upset

about 14
unimportant reviews?

You bet your sweet
ass I am, babe.

Shh.
Whoops, sorry.

I forgot this
apartment is pg!

I keep forgetting!

You were wonderful
tonight. Really.

What do you mean,
I was wonderful?

I was an
Elizabethan fruit fly,

the Betty boop of
Stratford-on-Avon.

I was putrid.

Capital "p,"
capital "u,"

capital..."trid!"

Putrid!

Well, wasn't it?!
Huh?!

No, it was an
interesting interpretation.

It was crap.

You didn't
see their faces

when I walked
out on the stage.

94 people, all given
a shot of Novocaine.

I want the truth.

You tell me
the truth, or I'll

smash this priceless
$9 lamp to pieces.

Was I putrid or not?
Say it!

Yes. Yes,
you were putrid.

Well, you don't have to
be that blunt about it.

I'm sorry.
Put it down, please.

I mean, I thought

I had a good moment
here and there.

You know, walking on,
walking off.

In between was caca.

Is there something
I can get you,

some of your health foods
or something?

Don't walk out on me.
Once a night is enough.

Oh, I'm here.

I'm listening.

I really can play
that part, you know.

I can play the hump
off that guy.

I was better
on the bus

coming up
from Chicago

than I was on
that stage tonight.

Now is the winter
of our discontent

made glorious summer
by this sun of York.

And all the clouds

that lowered
upon our house

in the deep bosom
of the ocean buried.

Etcetera.
Etcetera. Etcetera.

Oh, that is good.

It's wonderful.
Honestly.

Thank you.

You're really not
such a bad person,

you know.

That putrid remark
really hurt.

That really got
to me, you know?

I'm sorry. I don't know
what came over me.

Good night.

Don't tell Lucy what
it said in the times.

I won't.

Or the news.

No.

Or channel 2,
4, 5, 7, and 11.

Oh, and the
discovery channel,

the cooking channel,
the Chinese channel,

and ESPN 1 and 2.

I won't.

Thank you.

No autographs,
please.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

So, why are you crying?

I didn't cry today.
Do you mind?

Well...

I didn't
think he was that bad.

"One must always
respect the brave

"and courageous attempts
to explore Shakespeare

"through new and
daring concepts,

and even, if you will,
irreverence."

What's irreverence?

You'll find out.

"But Elliot Garfield

and Mark Bodine's
Richard III gives us

"less than a summer stock
Charley's aunt

without the good-natured
and inoffensive humor."

Does that mean
he doesn't like it?

The man has
2 months to live.

He's a cynic.

Which one of you

scotch-taped
my tongue

to the roof
of my mouth? Ugh.

Want some coffee?

With a dash of
bicarbonate, please.

Congratulations.

For what?

I don't know
what else to say.

Why do you let your child
read pornography?

Want a bowl
of puffed rice?

Starve a cold,
feed a failure, huh?

Hello?

Who?

Oh, just
a minute, please.

It's
for you.

Oh, I got the cover
of Newsweek?

Yes?

Hello, Harv.

Yes.

Yeah, I read them.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I understand.

Good.

Good. Ok.

There you go!

The minute you think
your world's collapsing,

something wonderful
happens.

What?

They closed the show.

I don't have to do it
anymore.

The "American theatre"
is saved.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, listen.
Everything works out.

Now I'm free
to take that other job.

What other job?

I'm looking!
I'm looking!

Lucy, we're late.
Get your sweater.

Listen, did you know

that Jack Nicholson
got terrible reviews

the first time
he was ever on Broadway?

He was never
on Broadway.

Oh. I thought he was.

You realize, of course,

your daughter
has a crush on me.

Not to take away from
your personal charm,

she had one
on Tony, too.

They're fickle at 10.

And at 6 she also
had a big thing

for her father.

Wait for me downstairs.

Why?

Because I'm the mother,
that's why.

What are
your plans?

My immediate plans?

Well, I thought
after breakfast,

I might try an aborted
suicide attempt

and then
think about welfare.

In other words, you're
not going back to Chicago.

Chicago? No.
Siberia, possibly.

I mean, your room
is paid for.

It belongs to you.

Thank you.

If I decide to leave,
I'll give you an address.

You can ship it to me.

If you stay,

I could use someone
to help me out with Lucy.

I start work today,

and I won't be able to
get back to make her dinner.

So, what I'm saying
is...

I accept.

Good.

She has dinner at 6:00.

There's pork chops
in the freezer.

Ok. Have a nice day.

Cute. Definitely cute.

...while the new Toyota
gas and electric engine

gets 60 miles
to the gallon.

Think about that
the next time

you're on the road.

This extraordinary
design

eliminates constant refueling

and requires
no need to plug...

Don't ask her a question.
She'll get nervous.

I didn't get nervous

when she came
to my opening.

It requires
no need to plug it in

to your
living room outlet.

Your, uh, garage outlet.

Ahem.

The Toyota gives
astounding performance,

plus better mileage,
without any knocking or...

Noises or that
annoying banging sound

that's just so terrible.

Tires, one on each wheel,
gives better mileage

because of...Lack...
Of gas fumes.

In conclusion...

I would like to say...

That the Toyota
dual fuel model

is a joy for anyone
who is looking for, uh,

a gas-driven car,
or both at the same time.

Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot.

They would have
fired me, but they

didn't know the
English word for it.

What are you
doing here?

You came to see me act.
Can't I see you?

It was very nice.

One...constructive comment:

Study. Learn your lines.

Maybe next year you'll
be ready for bigger parts,

like trucks.
Maybe tanks.

Did you
have dinner yet?

No.

No? She must
be starving.

What am
I paying you for?

Paying me?

One petrified pork chop
and a brown stalk of celery

is not a payment.

I came to leave
Lucy with you.

I'm working tonight.

He got a job.

Didn't I just
say that?

Acting?

I didn't say that.

It's in
the entertainment field.

That's as much
as I'll tell you.

I'll be home
about 2:00, you know?

So don't wait up.
You look terrific!

I never knew
you had a figure.

That girl really impressed
me with your car.

Oh, he wears me out.

I'm telling you,
that man wears me out.

I'm in the taxi business.

I'm in the market for
100 new cars for next year.

If you think
you can handle it,

I'll be back next week.

You really oughta
hang onto that girl.

Private dancing!
Fit for a king!

Girls, girls, girls!
Exotic entertainment!

New show every 5 minutes.

Girls, girls, girls!

See the most beautiful women

this side
of linden, New Jersey.

Hey, what
kind of show

they got in there?

Dirty. Very dirty. Filthy.

Next show every 5 minutes.

What do they do?

They won't let me see it.
Too dirty for the help.

How old do you have
to be to get in?

Over 12.
You guys over 12?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah. Sure.

Come on
inside quick!

What's wrong?

We got
a drunk on stage.

Get that creep
out of here.

Me? I'm the doorman.

When he comes out,
I'll open the door.

You wanna get paid
or not?

Paid. I wanna get paid.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
I'm your buddy.

Ok. Why don't
you sit down

so we can enjoy
the show, huh?

I just
want a kiss.

I hardly know you.

Besides,

I don't kiss on
the first date.

Thank you. Thank you.

They like us.

Come here,
you ugly twerp.

Ooh!
Uh-oh!

I wanna smash
your face in!

Smash him!
Smash him!

Tough crowd.
Can I talk to you a second?

My name is Elliot.
What's your name?

Earl.

Oh. Earl what?

Earl this.

Whoo-hoo!

You know what
Cynthia Fein said?

Who's Cynthia Fein?

The girl in my class
with the wall-to-wall braces.

Elliot picked me up
from school today,

and Cynthia Fein
says he's got charisma.

Do you think
he has charisma?

All right,
cut it out.

Cut what out?

Stop trying to make
something between us.

Me?! Cynthia Fein
said it.

Cynthia Fein,
my behind.

Stop pushing me.

Who's pushing?
You are.

I've got your fingerprints
all over my back.

He's ok,
all right?

Every once in a while,

he even acts like
a real human being.

But stop pushing me

because the man
is not my type.

Your type never
hangs around long enough

to stay your type.

I heard that.
What did you say?

If you heard it,
why are you asking?

What did you say?

I said your type

never hangs around
long enough

to stay your type.

That's a rotten
thing to say.

I know.

I just felt
like saying it.

Oh, jeez.

Is this Halloween?

Mr. Garfield.
I think so.

I didn't hear you
come in.

What happened
to your face?

I used it
to stop a fist

from going
through my head.

What kind of meat
do you have on there?

Veal parmigiano.

I was saving these
steaks for Lucy.

Oh, my god!
Does that hurt?

Only when I act.

Oh. I'll get
some ice on it.

You don't have to
worry anymore.

I've decided
to let you stay

as long as you want.

It's my only hope
for survival.

Listen,
something'll come up.

You think so?

Well, Lucy's friend
Cynthia Fein

thinks you
have charisma.

What do you
think I've got?

Charisma-wise.

Put this on your eye.

I'm not talking
about my talent.

Talent-wise
I'm very secure.

It's appeal-wise
I'm a little shaky.

Tell me the truth.

Am I as adorable
as I think I am?

You're outrageous.

I can't keep up with
your energy level.

Do you get the feeling

something's starting
between us?

I haven't heard that
line since high school.

Out of my way,
please.

I have to sell Japanese cars
in the morning.

Is that why you have
the kabuki makeup on?

You let me stand there?!

Towel! Can I have
a towel, please?!

Mmm!

Don't you ever
do that again.

Your lips may say,
"no, no,"

but there's "yes, yes,"
in your eyes.

Don't get cute
with me.

Your cute little face
drives me crazy.

What's wrong
with my face?

Nothing works, but you put it
all together,

it's a knockout.

Oh! Don't!

I think
we got ourselves

a hot infatuation
here.

I don't have any time
for romance.

I have a daughter
that I'm trying to save

from getting rickets.

I went for it
the first time I saw you

through the crack
in the door.

I said that's the best
half a face

I've ever laid eyes on.

Don't make me laugh.

I don't wanna be
on your side.

If you were
a Broadway musical,

they'd come out
humming your face.

You're embarrassing me.

I'm too old to get
embarrassed anymore.

You have a better smile than all
the tooth ads on television.

Please. Oh! Please,
don't do that.

Oh, don't make me
feel happy.

Oh, I just hate
this sickening,

"it's wonderful
to be alive" feeling.

Don't come
into my life.

I just got through

putting up
all the fences.

Can't I even
see you to your door?

It's a rough neighborhood.

Elliot.
Yes! Call me Elliot.

I've already
kissed your nose.

Elliot...

I'm praying...Oh, god.

I pray...

I pray to god

that this is all
gone in the morning.

The hell you do.

I'll meet you in
the kitchen tomorrow night.

Don't dress.

Paula! Paula,
where are you running?

Oh, I wanna see Lucy

before she goes to bed.

I have a message
for you.

The Maserati people

are throwing a small party
upstairs at 21.

And this guy, giorgio...

The one that smells
better than us...

He specifically
asked for you,

the girl with
the laughing teeth.

Oh, gee. I can't.
I gotta go home.

I don't understand.
He's gorgeous!

He told me
to tell you he was.

You know, if it were
any other time...

What's a better time

than when you're
still alive?

"This is
the sleeping child.

"Kiss her good night

"and come up to roof
for private party.

Dress very fancy."

Elliot?

Elliot,
are you here?

Say something.

Oh, I don't like this.

I said it was formal, kid.

The party has to be
over by dawn,

otherwise it's
another 10 bucks

for the suit.

♪ heaven ♪

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ and my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ and I seem to find
the happiness I seek ♪

♪ when we're out together ♪

♪ dancing cheek to cheek ♪

Don't panic.

Even ginger was nervous

the first time
she danced with me.

What are you
crying about?

Oh, kill me.
I'm a sucker for romance.

I got a job.

A real job.
A real acting job.

You did? Where?!

The inventory.

It's an
improvisational group

on Charles street.

They saw Richard III

and said
if I could do that,

I could do anything!

Oh!
Oh! No!

Don't let it rain!

Not on our parade!

Oh, it's ok.

The suit's too big
for me anyway.

I auditioned for them
this afternoon

with this girl Lynda.

Very talented.

Oh, the same one
that played lady Anne?

No. That was Rhonda.
This is Lynda.

Is she pretty?

No, no. Ugly. Very ugly.

Doesn't have
a great smile like yours.

I played Abraham Lincoln,
faked the beard.

Mary Todd is out of town.

General Grant
takes me to a brothel.

Ooh!
Yeah.

Sadie, who runs it,
tries to pull my beard,

and I say,
"no, no, no, madam,

"no one pulls
the big guy's beard.

Grant! Put away your sword."

I improvised the whole...

♪ heaven ♪

Thing.

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ and my heart beats ♪

♪ so that I
can hardly speak ♪

♪ and I seem to find ♪

♪ the happiness I seek... ♪

Oh, don't stop!

Oh! I don't want to shrink
my rented suit.

♪ Cheek to cheek ♪

Whoo!

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

How is your pizza?

Perfect.

I just love it
soaked with rain.

Damn it!
I asked for rainproof.

So...what happened
when Tony dumped you?

He didn't dump me.

He moved out
for his career.

Idiot.
Mm-hmm.

It happens a lot
in this business.

I mean, a guy
goes on the road

for 6 months
with a show,

and he gets lonely.

The only time
you have a good marriage

is when your man
is in a flop.

They're broke,
but they come home.

Where did you meet Tony?

I'm ashamed to tell you.
Why?

I saw him

in the iceman cometh
at the public.

He wasn't very good,
but...

He was gorgeous,

and I couldn't take
my eyes off him.

Don't laugh.

I waited for him

to come out
the stage door,

and then I just
introduced myself to him

like a regular groupie.

A week later
I moved in with him,

and the rest is misery.

Why did you do it?

If you dance with
the chorus of a musical,

the boys usually
have higher voices

than the girls.

10 years of that,

and you get very hung up
on macho men.

Thank god I got through
that period.

I'll let that remark pass.

So are we gonna sleep
with each other tonight?

Of all the right-up-front girls
I have ever met,

you are the most
right-up-frontest.

Well, how do you feel
about it?

Nervous.

A pushover,
but nervous.

Don't be nervous...

'Cause I'll be there.

Where were you
last night?

I couldn't sleep,
so I went inside to read.

What'd you read?

A life of Lincoln.
Go back to sleep.

So...when do I move back
to my old room?

Oh.

Good, good morning,
everybody.

Please. No applause.

And what's new
this morning?

Ok, there's nothing new
this morning.

They say
this kid Lindbergh's

gonna try to
fly the Atlantic.

William Holden
is gonna play Lindbergh.

James Stewart
is going to play Lindbergh.

We've been found out,
have we?

I thought the kid
was rooting for us.

Don't call her kid.

She doesn't like
to be called kid.

Oh, sorry.
In Chicago,

it's an expression of
endearment. You know,

like, "hi, kid."
"How's it going, kid?"

"What's wrong, kid?"

Nothing.

Glad to hear it.
Any buttered toast?

She's just scared,
that's all.

Lucy?

She's afraid what happened
before can happen again.

What are you two...
Partners?

I thought it was just
you and me last night.

What happens in my life
affects hers.

And I'm scared, too.

Listen. Would you
be terribly hurt

if we just forgot
about last night?

Oh, it's too late.
I've already

made the entry
in my diary.

Look at me.

I'm standing here
with sweaty palms,

and I have my hands
in cold water.

I don't even know what you
are thinking this morning.

Hmm? What's on your mind?

Instead of asking me
so many questions,

you could at least say to me
"last night was wonderful."

Last night was wonderful.

I mean, instead of worrying
about your lousy breakfast

and your buttered toast,

why can't you look at me
and say, "I'm crazy about you."

I'm crazy about you.

Yeah, well, it's
easy enough for you to say

when I've told you to say it.

Why can't you
just touch me,

hold my hand, stroke my hair?

At least let me know
there's some really nice feeling

that existed
between the two of us.

No! It's...See?
It's too late now.

I mean, if I have to think
of everything for you...

My god.

Oh, my god.

God, I must be crazy!
Crazy!

I keep doing the same
damn thing to myself

over and over again.

What am I gonna learn?

You know, I am just not up
for falling in love again.

It's...it's
too much work.

Uh, I think
we'd be better off

if you'd just packed up
all your things

and left.

And it's
nothing personal.

Now I know
why they all left!

Crackers!

Animal crackers, lady!

You have a severe case
of emotional retardation.

I am not leaving!
I am escaping!

If any mail comes for me,
just keep it.

I'm not giving you
any forwarding addresses.

But in passing,

I just want to say
that last night was terrific.

The super bowl of romance.
I give it a 9 on a scale of 10.

You get one off
for burping your wine,

but all in all
a very respectable score.

Don't you get glib
about last night.

It was important to me.

Could you lower
your neuroses, please?

I'm not finished.

Don't ever tell me
when to get affectionate.

I touch when I want to touch.

I fondle
when I want to fondle.

I was planning to touch you
all during my eggs

and fondle you
right through my coffee.

You know
what your problem is?

You love to love somebody,

but the minute
they take the initiative,

like I did last night,
it scares the pants off you.

Nothing off-color intended.

You didn't wait outside
any stage door for me.

I approached first.
I touched first,

and you can't handle
anyone goin' first.

Oh, you are laughable,

and...silly.

Yeah,
you're a silly man.

Is he the silliest man
you ever met?

Mm-hmm.

You...you know I'm right.

You know yourself too well
to ignore what I'm saying.

You know...You know
what we've got here?

Taming of the shrew.

Which I did in Canada.

And despite the fact, Kate,

that you are
a large pain in the arse,

last night was the best thing

that ever happened to me
girl-wise,

and if you weren't behaving

like such a horse's rectum
this morning,

you and I could have been
touching and fondling

right up till 5:00
when I have to go do my improv.

Personally, madam,
I think you blew it.

Hope you didn't leave
your suitcase on your bed.

It's just that...
Never mind.

Lady M!

The black prince
is dead.

England is yours!

Don't you
want England?

Spain, maybe.

Spain I can
get you cheap.

What are you doing
in that thing?

Get in quick.

The horse has
a meter on him.

Is that Cynthia Fein?

Listen. I think
you have charisma, too.

Did you tell him?!

I never said that!

Wait till I get you, Lucy!

So...you want to go
to my opening tonight?

I have homework.

What are you sore about,
me and your mom?

It's none of my business.

Well, since you and I

are gonna be changing
bedrooms tonight,

I think it is,

only I'm a little
old-fashioned.

I want your approval.

Me? I'm 10 years old.

I'm not even allowed
to vote yet.

I like your style, kid.
I really do. Sorry.

I hear you don't like
being called a kid.

I'm a kid. It fits.

Do you like me?

You're wasting a lot of money.
I'm not enjoying this ride.

Answer my question.

Do you like me?

Ask Cynthia Fein.
She's crazy about you.

I'm gonna keep asking
till I get an answer.

Do you like me?

Can I get out of this thing?
I'm getting nauseous.

Answer me, damn it!
Yes or no!?

Now, it makes no difference
to me either way,

because I'm gonna move in
with your old lady anyway,

but I want
to hear it first

Yes or no?

No!

Yes.

Was that a yes?

Yes.

A lot?

Yes.

A really,
really lot?

Yes! Yes, all right?!

Well,
as much as you like me,

it's not 1/1000th
as much

as I'm nuts about you.

I swear, Lucy,
if you didn't like me,

I wouldn't move in
with your mom,

and that's the truth.

I am certifiably nuts
about you and your mommy.

Now, blow that
into your handkerchief.

I don't have
a handkerchief.

Well, then cry
on the horse.

Please! Please!
No more applause.

If the owner
of this place

hears so much applause
he'll have to pay us,

and then
he'll close the club!

You know what I'd like

more than anything
in the whole world?

Hmm?

Furniture.
My own furniture.

Is that too domestic
a thing to say?

No, no, no.

I didn't know
you wanted furniture.

I didn't know you were that
interested in sitting.

♪ Laughter in the sunshine ♪

♪ baby... ♪

Today. Sometime today.

♪ Look my way ♪

♪ rainbows in
the springtime, baby ♪

Something didn't come out right.

What's wrong with it,
Elliot?

It's not on park Avenue.

How many weeks
do you have to play

before I can have an armchair?

Well, if you take one
without arms, about a year.

Oh.

Mama bear
did the cave real nice.

Where are you going?

I've got a matinee.
It's Sunday.

Um, that's my scarf.

Yeah, well, you can wear
my dress from Richard III.

Hey.

I think
you're wonderful.

Oh? Mmm.

I think you've got
some very nice qualities, too.

Oh, by the way,

leave your
Tuesday morning open.

What are we doing
Tuesday morning?

How do blood tests
strike you?

Aah!

Oh, I just want to go home,
get in my bed,

and wake up in Hollywood.

Oh, that was a 4-star
show. Maybe 5.

You know, that was one
I'd like to bottle.

God, we were good!
Whoo! Whoo!

Deputy,
there's no air in here!

Give the actors
some air!

We're human beings,
not cattle!

Moo!
Moo!

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Whoo!

Hello! Is there anyone
in that thing?

Who's that?

I would knock,

but I don't know how
to knock on a curtain.

Who is that?

Hello. Oliver Frey.

Who?

Oliver Frey.
Is that all right?

Oliver Frey...
The director?

I believe so.

Oh! No kidding!

Oh, that's...
Nice to meet you.

Oliver Frey,
what do ya know?

Pleased to meet you.

This is Gretchen.

It's not possible
to pronounce her last name.

Oh, that's ok.

How do you do...
Whoa!

Get back here.

How do you do? I'm
sorry about that.

We thought
you were wonderful.

Oh, really? Yeah,
is that what you...

Is that
what you thought?

I have no reason to lie.

Well,
it's a good group.

They're all
terrific kids.

I love them all.

You're very talented,
you know.

Me? Oh, thank you.

Well, we don't want to keep you.

I just had one thing
I wanted to ask you.

Would you be interested
in a movie?

You mean making one?

Well, we could go to one,

but I think working
is much more fun.

With you?
Yeah, I'm interested.

I am, too.

Certainly,
I'm interested!

Are you kidding?!
Sure.

Well, I'll have my people
call your people.

Great. Oh, wait.

I...I don't have
any people.

Oh, well,

I'll get you some,
and I'll call them.

I look forward to it.

And so...
I suppose good-bye.

Yes, good-bye.

Well, I suppose you want
your door closed.

What are you doing
out here?

Did you lock
yourself out again?

Lucy, what is it?

At least we didn't
get a letter this time.

Sending that stuff
to the laundry,

I hope?

I got a picture.
What?

A picture, Paula.
I got a movie!

Wow.
Here it comes again.

It's a terrific picture.

Oliver Frey is directing.

I have to be in Seattle
on location tomorrow morning.

Oh! Seattle, Washington.

Yeah, I know
where that is.

It's far away.

Who cares?
I'm not walking.

They left a first-class ticket
at the airport.

4 weeks' work.
2,350 a week.

Oh, I mean,
Oliver freaking Frey...

I mean,
he's the best, you know?

I didn't even ask
what the part was.

Well, that's wonderful.

So, you know,
it's not that big a part.

You know, no one heard
of Al Pacino

before the godfather, right?

I couldn't be happier
for you.

Oh, look at me.
I'm shaking.

I spent 20 years
building up my ego,

now when I really need it,
it locks itself in the John.

Oh, it'll come back.
Trust me.

What's wrong?

It's...it's 4 weeks,
4 lousy weeks.

That's a week less than 5.

Yeah, I know.

No, you don't know.

You think you're gonna get
dumped on again, don't you?

You say
you'll come back.

Why shouldn't
I believe you?

Well, because if I were you,

I wouldn't believe
an actor either.

You need some help?

No. I see
you took everything.

They told me
it was freezing up there,

to bring
all my warm clothing.

Paula, Paula...Come on.

You know I would take you
with me if I could.

It's just...It's way up
in the mountains.

You know,
it's very rough country.

They got wolves up there,
you know.

Not in the movie.
I mean big, hungry wolves.

I've always
gotten along fine

with wolves.

Listen, I thought
you'd be excited,

you know,
jumping up and down.

I mean, it's what I've
worked for my whole life.

Isn't that what a mature
relationship is all about:

You root for me,
I root for you?

This is my third time
as cheerleader.

Ok, I get the point,
you know?

Forget it. I'm not going.
It's not worth it.

Not if I have to put you
through 4 weeks of hell

wondering if I'm going to
be coming back or not.

You know,
I got this picture.

I can get another one.

Ok.

The hell I'm not.
That's crazy!

Why should I do
a dumb, stupid thing

because you don't trust me?

I'm going.

You're just gonna
have to trust me.

You gonna trust me,
Paula?

Yeah, I'll plan
my days around it.

Damn it. Damn it to hell!

I hate those 2 guys
who walked out of here.

I'm the only one
who's coming back,

and I'm getting
all the blame.

No.

You go, Elliot.

I want you to go.

I mean, if you come back,
that's fine.

I'll be right here
putting up my wallpaper.

And if you don't,
that's ok, too.

I'll miss you,
but I'll survive.

I've grown up so much
in these last 2 months.

I mean, look at me.

I'm all grown up.

I've never felt better
or stronger in my life.

Someone's actually about
to walk out that door,

and I'm not crumbling
into a million pieces.

I mean, god, that just...

Feels really good.

Bye, Elliot.

You make a nice movie

and have a wonderful career,

and, you know,

if you're ever up
for an academy award,

I'm gonna keep my fingers
crossed for you.

What is there about you

that makes a man
with 157 IQ

feel like
a dribbling idiot?

Whatever it is,
I thank god for it.

Thank you, god.

You know...

Interesting lesson
I just learned.

Falling in love
and becoming successful

may very well be
the worst thing

that can happen
to a man.

If my plane crashes
in that storm,

I'm coming back
to haunt you.

I'll be the ghost
of Bleecker street.

I'll be sitting
in that kitchen

eating pasta
and drinking Chianti

until you're
96 years old.

So long, kid.

See ya, kid.

♪ with you ♪

♪ by my side ♪

♪ we could have owned ♪

♪ the moon ♪

♪ and sky ♪

♪ but no matter ♪

♪ how hard I try ♪

♪ my love ♪

♪ escapes the light ♪

I can't sleep.

Give it 5 minutes.
Just get into bed.

I can predict
the future.

Yeah?

How about
predicting mine?

I predict there's a phone
ringing in your house.

Hello.

Get dressed.
You're coming with me.

What? Where are you?

On the street
in my old leaky phone booth.

The plane had engine trouble.

We're delayed 2 hours,

so I cashed in first class
for 2 coach.

What about Lucy?

Don't worry about Lucy.

Call Donna.

She can stay with her
till we get back.

Come on!

The cab's ticking away
your new bedroom set.

But I thought you said
I can't come with you.

I'll tell them
you're my analyst.

Actors are
very high-strung people.

You really
want me to come?

You sure love a love scene,
don't you?

Yes! I want you to come!

It's ok, then.
I don't have to.

Just as long
as you asked.

Paula,
don't play games with me.

My cab's half underwater.

You'll have
enough to do there

without worrying about me.

Besides,
I've got work to do.

I'm spending all your money
on our apartment.

But I'm nuts for you!

I hope I'm calling
the right number.

Paula, do me a favor.

Anything, angel.

Will you have
my guitar restrung?

I'm not sleeping too good
lately.

I'll call you tomorrow.

He left his guitar?!

He really is
coming back.

I never doubted it
for a moment.

Elliot!

I have it!
I have it!

Have a safe trip,
sweetheart.

I love you.

Never mind that!
You're rusting my guitar!

♪ heaven ♪

♪ woke up ♪

♪ just in time ♪

♪ heaven woke up
just in time ♪

♪ to see ♪

♪ to see how ♪

♪ beautiful ♪

♪ you are ♪

♪ one last ♪

♪ stroke of genius ♪

♪ heaven woke up
just ♪

♪ shed its light ♪

♪ on ♪

♪ me ♪

♪ heaven speaks ♪

♪ so tenderly ♪

♪ All your life you've waited ♪

♪ for love to come and stay ♪

♪ and now that
I have found you ♪

♪ you must not slip away ♪

♪ I know it's hard believing ♪

♪ the words
you've heard before ♪

♪ but, darling,
you must trust them, please ♪

♪ trust them just once more ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, good-bye ♪

♪ good-bye ♪

♪ doesn't mean we'll never ♪

♪ be together again ♪

♪ good-bye ♪

♪ doesn't mean forever ♪

♪ good-bye ♪

♪ good-bye, goodbye girl ♪