Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately.

[ Screams ]

Saturdays tend to be our busiest day of the week.

It's always some weekend warrior decides to push it.

Next thing you know...

Calling all units.

We have a report of a cyclist in distress.

Correction -- a cyclist who's just stressed.

-Ooh, uh... -Copy. This is gonna be ugly.

[ Siren wails ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Grunting ]

All right, you want to tell us what happened here?

I forgot to fill up my water bottle, I got dehydrated,

and now my leg's all crampy.

So I got a sandwich bag here.

Gonna fill that with two cups water,

one cup rubbing alcohol, and then seal it.

You got a place where Jack can freeze this thing?

Well, that's my house over there.

You got to be kidding me.

-[ Grunting ] -All right. One step.

These are gorgeous mahogany floors.

One, two, three. -Timber!

All right.

You want to freeze this water and this rubbing alcohol

for about an hour, then you will have hacked yourself

a gel-style ice pack that molds itself perfectly to your leg.

Ah, sweet relief.

Oh, my god. What happened? What did you do?

-Ma'am -- -it's fine, honey.

It's just a cramp.

I mean our beautiful mahogany floors!

They're scratched beyond recognition.

-Narrator: Tonight... -That was amazing.

-...on "hack my life"... -Real tight.

Brooke: Don't want to shell out for a locksmith?

Oh, snap.

We test hacks to get a broken key out of your door.

-Oh, yeah! -Oh, my god.

And we're giving slippery shoes the pink slip.

We've got a killer hack for adding traction to your kicks.

Look at how confident.

-Plus... -[ Grunts ]

...we try hacks to break down the brick of brown sugar

in your cabinet. -Curse you, brown sugar.

Get comfortable. -Whoa!

This is "hack my life."

Let me paint a picture for ya.

Winter Olympics -- ice-dancing finals.

You've got a whole bunch of money

that aiken's gonna take the gold,

you're racing to get inside

'cause you want to watch it live,

you're trying to get inside, and, oh, snap, you break a key.

Like, literally, oh, snap. -Don't worry.

We have three viewer-submitted hacks to help get you indoors

without having to call that creepy locksmith

who now has your home address and a way inside.

Oddly specific and personal.

It is.

Both: This is hack mail.

Each one of these locks has a broken key stuck inside.

We broke all three keys in the exact same way

so that each hack has a shot to receive our...

Both: Hack seal of approval.

Our first hack today comes from Diane in Kansas City, Missouri.

Let's give this a try here.

There's our lock. Can confirm key's stuck, right?

-Key's stuck. -Got our glue.

Okay.

Okay, there's our precious nectar.

Please don't call it nectar.

What?

Okay, well, it's on there,

and it's gonna take a minute to dry, right?

Okay.

[ Sputtering ]

Your birthday-cake-candle situation

must've been a disaster.

[ Laughing ] It was very soggy.

Bobby pin is on the key.

I feel like it's had more than enough time, right?

Okay.

Okay, here we go. Nice and delicate.

-[ Chuckles ] -Aw, what?

I could've never imagined that would happen. Never!

I could've never imagined a Bobby pin wouldn't stick.

-Didn't see it coming. -Are you kidding me?

Our second hack comes to us from Oscar

in greenfield, Massachusetts.

Want me to do the honors here?

-Ice? Tweezers? Yeah. -Ice this bad boy?

Okay, do we think that ice

froze the metal enough to shrink it down?

I mean, how long does it take for your shrinkage to occur?

Like, in the -- -oh, usually, seconds.

Seconds. Okay. Cool.

Let's see if that lock shrunk.

I'm gonna go for some tweezers now.

Try to line it up.

I can't even really get...

♪♪

Huh.

Nothing contracted enough for those tweezers

to sneak in there and grip it so that you can yank it out.

Yeah, I don't think this is gonna work.

This is the worst game of "operation."

Okay, couldn't get the job done.

Our third and final hack comes from Sean in Cleveland, Ohio.

Okay, let's try it.

So I don't think the point is to go on either side.

Yeah, the key's not sticking out enough.

-Top there. -Oh, so you're gonna go down?

-Well, 'cause it pushes down. -Okay, well, that's good.

Then work with that. -Maybe this time.

I feel like it's getting in there enough.

-Something's happening. -Now it's just a leverage game.

Now it's like trying to pop open a beer bottle.

-Oop! -Yeah!

Yes! Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my god. That actually worked.

Insane. Congrats to you, Sean,

because your scissor hack gets our official...

Both: Hack seal of approval.

-Oh-ho! -Oh, my.

-Is that what I look like? -[ Laughs ]

Why didn't anybody tell me? Close it.

♪♪

♪♪

Brooke: She's cunning, she's calculating,

and she's using unscrupulous hacks

to get the better of every Tom, dick, and Harry in her path.

Beware the cold-blooded hacker.

Even the cold-blooded hacker couldn't worm her way

out of the 9:00-to-5:00 slog,

but she has some tricks up her sleeve

to get the better of her co-workers.

The cold-blooded hacker has a private sanctuary,

and it's called stall number three.

To keep it private, she's got a hack

to prevent other people from using it.

By pouring a cup of coffee in the toilet

first thing in the morning,

the facilities will look unappealing to others

until she needs them later in the day.

[ Gags ]

Consider that seat saved.

Think the cold-blooded hacker spends her workday working?

Think again, chump.

To appear busy and to never have to speak to her co-workers...

-Excuse me. -...She keeps her desk phone

ringing off the hook all day long

by using her cellphone to call it.

I have this letter I'm sending over.

I want you to take a look at it.

[ Telephone rings ]

Good luck trying to let her know

what share of the work you need her to take.

But she won't stop there.

She's using the company computer and company time

to do all her online shopping.

Hey.

When someone approaches,

she switches to her fake spreadsheet.

I need you to update the Miller account.

Yeah, she'll get to that never.

The long day of doing nothing is a real drag.

The cold-blooded hacker wants to leave work early,

but she can't afford to get caught sneaking out.

She has a hack to mask her early departure.

[ Yawns, sighs ]

I still have that letter if you want to --

she keeps her computer on so it seems like she stepped out

for a quick smoke break, but poof, she's gone for the day.

So, working men and women,

watch out before a wily hacker gets the best of you.

While you're doing her work,

she'll knock you right off that corporate ladder.

So beware the cold-blooded hacker.

[ Grunts ]

Curse you, brown sugar.

[ Chuckles ]

Sugar and spice is not so nice

when it forms a single hardened mass,

so today we're gonna test out three hacks

to see which does the best job

at transforming a brick of brown sugar back into usable granules.

[ Bell dings ]

This is hack vs. Hack.

Today I'm joined by three pastry chefs --

krystin, Elizabeth, and Paul.

We have three hacks today

that supposedly will transform bricks back into granules.

You ready to see the hacks? -Absolutely.

-Yeah, yeah. -Your hacks today are...

-Oh. -Hmm.

Hack number one, we got a classic cheese grater.

Hack number two, full baseball bat.

Hack number three is a portable steamer.

-Interesting. -Okay.

Chefs, it's time to select your hacks. Krystin?

The grater. I think it would be the easiest.

Elizabeth?

I think I'm gonna have to go with the bat.

It looks like it has a lot of power.

Elizabeth, I'm gonna hand you your hack,

and that means, Paul, you get the steamer.

I would've picked it first anyway, so...

-Really? -No, maybe not.

-Okay, yeah. [ Laughter ]

Here's how the competition's going down.

You'll have two minutes total to grate, pummel, or steam

as many brown-sugar granules into your bowls as possible.

I'm gonna weigh each bowl, and whoever has the most

brown sugar broken up will be declared the winner.

Everybody ready? -Ready.

In three, two, one. Hack!

I'm seeing some scrubbing motion happening here

and some brown sugar's coming off.

The steamer is melting some brown sugar.

This is really hard. [ Chuckling ] Oh, my god.

-Elizabeth, what's happening? -It's not working.

All right, you guys have one minute left.

It's anybody's game.

Krystin, how's that grater working out for ya?

I'm concentrating, sorry. I just don't want to shred my fingers.

Okay, what's happening down there, Paul?

I'm trying to use one of the bricks

to break up the other one while it's steaming it.

That's good. And, Elizabeth,

you're rolling yours now like pizza dough?

Yeah, I'm breaking it up and then rolling it.

10 seconds, everyone.

♪♪

Five, four, three, two, one.

That is it. Time is up. Hands up.

Let's walk through the results, and, Paul, what happened?

It, like, melted it and turned it into molasses

rather than granulating it. -Let's go ahead and weigh it.

Paul's steamer hack -- 7.7 ounces.

-Whoa, that's not terrible. -Those are numbers.

Exactly.

Elizabeth, the bat looks like exhibit "a" now.

[ Laughter ]

Probably not the most effective. Takes a lot of effort.

Let's see. Your bowl would be 14 ounces.

Okay, now we're talking.

All right, krystin, do you mind if I see the bowl here?

To beat Elizabeth,

you need to have more than 14 ounces of sugar in there.

And the weight of the cheese-grater hack is...

[ Drumroll ]

...1 pound, 7 ounces, and that's 23 ounces total.

-Yes! -Wow.

Just not even in the realm of close.

[ Bell dings ]

There you go, friends.

When you need to break up a brick of brown sugar,

some hacks are, in fact, "grater" than others.

-Oh. -[ Laughs ]

Brooke: Coming up...

-Whoa! -Oh, my god!

...we test a traction hack for slippery shoes.

Walk for us.

Kevin: And Brooke turns bad taste in music

into cool decor with a record-breaking hack...

This is music to my ears.

...when the "hack" comes back.

Kevin: We now return to "hack 911."

What did you do to the floor?

The clips on your bike shoes have scratched up

our fine mahogany floors.

She's right. These floors are dangerously scuffed up.

Why are the cops here?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

It's a common misconception.

We're emergency hack technicians.

We help people solve problems

with unusual items and in unexpected ways.

So are you gonna do something about these floors, or what?

Get me a cup of raw walnuts, stat.

What you're going to want to do is take a walnut

and rub it up and down the scratch.

Then you're going to use your finger to soften up the oils.

Then you're gonna want to take a soft cloth,

wipe it up and down like this, and that Mark should disappear.

If only it were that easy to get this guy out of his spandex.

Think I'm really stuck.

-Remember the oath. -To hack and serve.

I even went to her stupid birthday party,

and she's still mean to me.

-She's just mad that -- whoa! -Oh, my god!

-Hot sausage! -Are you okay?

Ooh, not really.

Two issues -- one, someone spilled coffee

all over the floor, and, two,

these dress shoes have no traction.

Oh, my god. There's a hack to add

more traction to the bottom of your shoes.

We should see if the hack works

and then push it as far as we possibly can.

Both: This is hack it to the limit.

If you take a regular shoe, you can add some traction to it

by just using two simple ingredients --

rubber cement and coarse salt.

I'll grab a little rubber cement.

Rubber cement adheres the salt to the bottom of the shoe.

Just going for thorough.

You know, like a nice, even layer,

and it's starting to smell real delicious here.

Yes, it is.

-Get some salt on it? -Yep.

In a pinch, you can now use your shoes to season food.

Take a shot of Tequila, lick the boot...

I'm gonna just kind of shake off the excess a little bit.

All right, so you can just pop these on

and hack it to the limit. We're gonna break kev--

oh, no. No, we're not -- I'm not gonna do it.

We'll have Brett do it.

He's a stunt man!

'Cause you don't want to do the hacks?

-I'm a delicate bird. -Okay.

So, Brett, you're gonna help us push this hack to the limit,

and that's going to involve three trials.

Trial number one --

strutting your stuff on a super slippery teflon runway.

Phase two -- we're gonna grease the runway

with silicone-based lubricant.

For our third challenge, we're gonna ramp it up, literally.

For the ultimate test, we'll take that lubed ramp

and put it at a steep incline.

To pass the test, you'll have to walk

down the runway and back without falling.

You fall on your ass, the hack fails.

We hacked it to the limit.

I think you're gonna conquer all three challenges.

I think this hack is going all the way.

I think you'll get through the first two no problem.

What about the third?

I don't know that you guys are gonna make it.

Let phase one begin. Brett.

♪♪

He looks ready. Walk for us.

All right.

♪♪

Solid walk.

Confident.

Ooh. Okay, a bit of a slide, but he didn't fall.

Got a little spicy with it.

Both: Mm.

Brett, how was that?

It was good. It was easy.

Thus completeth phase one.

Phase two, the lubed runway.

Ew.

-What? A lit-- -sorry. Nothing.

It's for science.

Ah.

Brett!

Brett, size it up. Take a second.

Drink it in.

Godspeed, son.

♪♪

Look at how co-n-n-nfident...

He is as he struts through the lube.

♪♪

Okay, he's definitely on some slick terrain,

but the shoes are holding him steady.

Brett, talk us through it.

It was a lot more slippery, but it's still gripping.

All right, phase three.

We got ourself a nice, slippery decline.

This is where Brooke thinks the hack will fail,

but I believe it will prevail.

[ Singsong voice ] Brett.

♪♪

A confident step onto the platform

thanks to the power of salt.

Brett, I believe in you. You're gonna make it

all the way there, all the way back,

and you're gonna prove there is no limit to this hack.

Brett, I want you to stay safe, but I'd like to win.

So I'm hoping you eat it.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

♪♪

Confident stride. Look at that.

All right, okay.

Confident! Easy, Brett! Good slide.

Control --

[ yelling in slow motion ]

Ha-ha! That was amazing.

The salt on the shoes, while it might help you

navigate some slippery situations,

looks like we hacked...

-It... -To...

-The... -Limit.

Coming up... Keep calm and up-cycle.

...don't waste your money on flea-market finds.

I show you how to turn clutter to clutch.

And I reveal the top-secret hacks

your supermarket is using on you.

Supermarkets have nearly doubled the size of shopping carts.

When we come back.

We now return to "hack 911."

I think I'm stuck.

And I thought my uniform was tight.

Okay, okay, just stop, stop.

Jack, can you grab me the petroleum jelly?

-On it. -Ah, great.

I'm not sure I like where this is going.

Relax. What you're gonna want to do

is apply a thin layer of jelly to the skin

and then slide the spandex down over it.

Permission to apply jelly?

Yes?

No, you're -- you're doing it.

I'm not doing that.

♪♪

Okay, ready?

Three, two, one.

-Whoa! Whoa! -Whoa!

Whoa!

-It makes me more aerodynamic. -Oh, my god.

-Lead me. Lead me out. -Get the bag.

No, you get the bag. Get the bag.

-Where's the bag? -Straight down to the right.

Have a great day.

It was wonderful getting to -- to know you.

Hear are your pants. I can't. You're welcome.

Thank you. To hack and serve, baby.

Wow. Wow.

♪♪

[ Groaning ]

Aah! Oh, god. Oh, oh.

What -- what is it? What, what?

Oh, oh, it's this goddamn pumpkin.

I hate scooping out the guts. It's really scary.

Well, you know, there is an old pirate's fable

that you can cleanly gut a pumpkin

with a power drill and an eggbeater.

Really?

What?

"Wayne's world"? What is that?

What are you?

Sexy Kevin from "hack my life."

This shirt's so stiff.

-Yeah. -I'm a beta nerd.

-I got it. [ Chuckles ] -Yeah. Oh.

Oh, bad idea.

This is hack or wack.

Okay, so, Kevin, you've got a solution for cleaning a pumpkin

without making it feel like you just midwifed a baby calf.

Yeah, very simple.

The supposed hack is to use a drill with an eggbeater attached

to gut a pumpkin faster and neater.

It's always something jammed in a drill with these bits.

Well, that's usually how drills work.

There's really not a lot to it.

-Okay. -Do you want to do the honors?

All right.

Oh!

Okay, yeah, really -- no finesse with that trigger, huh?

You just full-blast. It's all or nothing.

Oh, god.

Yeah.

You're supposed to lick the beater clean.

Then I'm gonna get --

oh, you reversed the direction.

Oh, god. -Okay, let me try that again.

That is not good.

Okay, now you're drilling through the pumpkin.

Uh-huh.

-I got a little something. -Yeah, you sure do.

Right in the bucket, please.

Trick or treat.

Only take one. Honor system.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Spitting ]

I'm sorry.

So, less mess on your hands, more mess everywhere else.

Okay, how is this different from reaching into a pumpkin?

This is no better, yeah.

Hack does a good job of getting in there,

getting all the pumpkin guts on the eggbeater,

but now -- -we need a hack for this.

I started out optimistic because it just kind of got in there

and whirled everything up like spaghetti on a fork, you know?

I got, like, a big, old bite. -A big, old bite.

But then we're faced with the same dilemma

of having to get in there with your hand and a spoon.

We left a mess on ourselves and the room,

so I have to say the eggbeater-drill-bit pumpkin cleaner, it's wack.

It's wack.

"I'm Kevin pereira. Argh, argh, argh, argh."

What?!

"Look at my apple watch. Is my uber here?"

♪♪

He uses lyft.

♪♪

Aah! Ow!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

All right, you've done a great job of clearing out

all your mixtapes and your cd boxed sets,

but you're going, "oh, my goodness.

What's that horrible moaning, whining sound I still here?"

It's your ex-boyfriend's vinyl

that he left on your record player.

So we're gonna hack that record into a beautiful candy bowl.

All you need for this hack is a cookie sheet,

a large bowl and a small bowl,

and terrible taste in music.

♪♪

Let's remember to keep calm and up-cycle, all right?

First, put the smaller bowl

facedown on the cookie sheet, record on top of that,

and then the big bowl on top of it like so.

Now, you're gonna heat this whole contraption up

to 200 degrees in the oven.

All right, really important --

don't heat your oven any hotter than 200 degrees,

because it will release toxic fumes.

[ Bell dings ] Let's pop this bitch in there.

All right, and then all you do

is bake it for five to eight minutes.

This is music to my ears.

All right, so after you've let it cool,

here's your finished product.

[ Gasps ] Look what we have here.

Congratulations, you've just upcycled some bad taste in music

to a totally rad candy bowl.

This is what my revenge diet looks like.

Oh, man, they're gonna love this.

[ Camera shutter clicks ] available.

Coming up... Shh!

...i uncover the hacks that grocery-store owners

use to line their pockets.

Real tight. -When we come back.

Hi. I'm officer mack, the star of "hack 911."

Do you always find yourself pulling into a gas station

and your tank being on the opposite side?

You're not an idiot.

Maybe there's a little hack you don't know about.

Just look at your little gas-indicator light

and right next to it should be an arrow

pointing to which side of the car your gas tank is on.

No more awkward eight-point turns in the gas station.

[ Chuckles ]

You don't have to feel like an idiot because you aren't one.

[ Ting! ]

But, seriously, like, how do people not know

what side of the car their gas tank is on?

Is it a new car?

Man: Maybe it's a rental.

♪♪

♪♪

Hello, and congratulations

on becoming the owner of a supermarket.

Today I'm gonna teach you the secret hacks you'll need

to consistently scam your clientele

for all they are worth.

But if anybody who does not manage a supermarket sees it,

they will know your hacks,

and then who will we have left to con?

So make sure to burn this tape after you watch it.

Promise.

Let's set the stage with the front of the store,

where you'll want to display your rainbow of produce.

You'll also want to periodically mist that colorful produce.

Customers think it's to keep the produce fresher,

but, in fact, it's just a hack to make them think that.

It actually causes them to spoil faster.

The sooner their produce spoils,

the sooner they'll be buying more.

[ Chuckles ]

Strong food aromas are proven to trigger hunger,

so put your especially fragrant items,

like this rotisserie chicken,

close enough to the front that customers

[sniffs] Catch [sniffs] the scent,

but far enough away that they'll have to wander through aisles

of nonessential items to reach them.

Those lemmings will be in fast pursuit of that chicken.

Not so fast.

Shh! Do you hear that?

Is that elevator music?

Oh, no, it's worse -- supermarket music.

Musicology studies say that people are inclined

to walk to the bpm of the music they here.

That's beats per minute.

Control their gait by keeping music and them slow.

That way, they won't miss out on any of the scams.

[ Chuckles ] I meant "deals."

Over the past decade,

supermarkets have nearly doubled the size of shopping carts,

and as a result,

the average consumer bought 19% more product.

[ Chuckles ]

Time to corral them into your checkout line.

So hack those lanes by making them teeny-tiny

and crowd them with more stuff to buy

and don't leave your customers a place to put down any items

they realize they don't actually need or want.

Okay, fellas. That's good. That's getting real snug.

This video and the hacks it contains will now self-destruct

so no customers will ever be any the wiser.

♪♪

Real tight.

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