Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately.

[ Screams ]

Kevin: "Hack 911" is filmed on location as it happens.

Is this a dangerous job?

Some people would say no.

Man: Attention, all units,

we have reports of a domestic battery.

Oh, my god! Scratch that.

Scratch that.

Domestic batter.

It's a bake sale-related meltdown.

It's like every time with them.

All right. Let's roll.

♪♪

[ Siren wails ]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hi. -Hey.

-Ahhh! -I just have to warn you.

It's bad. Okay.

So...

Mack: Do you want to tell us what's going on here, ma'am?

Okay.

Leo's having a bake sale

in his kindergarten class tomorrow. Okay.

My wife did the grocery shopping,

and she bought flour!

F-For baking, or, like...?

No, for ba-- but did you know

all of the emmas are gluten unwilling?

Mack: Um...

Who are the emmas?

♪♪

Oh, wow.

There are five girls named Emma

in Leo's class.

Okay. And all of them

are gluten unwilling.

All of them!

Okay.

Do you have any oats?

You're going to want to put your oats

in the blender...

♪♪

...and grind them.

[ Blender whirs ]

In under a minute,

you'll have a gluten-free oat flour

that you can use as a substitute

for all your treats!

[ Blender whirs ]

I think that'll do it.

And then...

♪♪

...look at this.

Oh, my god. We're totally back on track.

Mm-hmm. Hooray.

All right. We're fine.

Yeah. Let's finish this recipe.

White sugar? [ Scoffs ]

-Oh, boy. -You bought white sugar?

Woman: Is that bad?

♪♪

Brooke: Tonight...

That doesn't look right. What are you talking about?

...on "hack my life"...

Holy heck!

Kevin: Tag 'em and bag 'em.

We're trying out permanent marker removal hacks...

My eye patch is kind of dissolving.

...and the "purr-fect" hacks for your new kitten.

Brooke: Plus, Kevin blows us away with his musical hack.

Everybody!

Kevin: Strap in...

Those were dead batteries.

My mind is officially blown.

Kevin: ...This... It's a hack.

Kevin: ...Is "hack my life".

Today, we've invited three talented graffiti artists

to deface our faces using permanent marker

and then attempt to undo their dirty deeds

by using three different hacks.

Kevin: This is hack vs. Hack. This is hack vs. Hack.

Friends, say hello to brittania, Mario, and Eric.

All right, friends,

here's how this hack vs. Hack is going down.

You'll each use those permanent markers in your hands

to do your dirtiest deeds on our faces.

Those faces. Not our faces. Just go for it.

Do whatever you need to do.

And then we'll reveal some hacks

and see which one can remove it the easiest.

Sound good?

-Yep. -All right, let's do this.

♪♪

-Come on. -No!

[ Both laugh ]

Mario: Oh, I like this one.

He's got a bra on.

Kevin: Oh, the man-kini's good.

But now we want to -- believe it or not --

remove that marker off of these posters.

You guys ready to see your hacks?

-Yes. -Yeah.

-Okay. -Okay.

Hey! Hacks!

We've got body spray, hairspray,

and an aerosol lubricant.

All right, so we're gonna go right down the line,

let everybody pick a hack. Perfect.

Kevin: That means we're starting with you, brittania.

What would you like?

I think I want to go with the hairspray.

-Perfect, okay. -Here you go.

Brooke: Okay, Mario,

we've got two choices now left for you to go with.

[ Sighs ] Well, you know,

I'm not too confident with either one of them,

so I'll let you choose for me.

Here you go. Axe body spray.

All right, Eric, I will present you

with the hl-70, sir.

Swag.

♪♪

We've got one minute on the clock.

On your "markers", get set, go!

Okay, I'm seeing that hairspray go on brittania's.

Got -- she's putting --

my eye patch is kind of dissolving.

Oh, and it's -- oh, and I'm downwind from it!

[ Coughs ] Nobody light a lighter right now.

Yep. Okay.

Our clown faces are crying clown tears right now

in Mario's...

But look at that!

Eric's just, uh --

he's just spraying and nothing's happening.

[ Both laugh ]

Brittania is, like, working her ass off

to make the hairspray...

Okay, we got about 10 seconds, guys.

Nine, eight, seven,

six, five... You can go ahead and stop, Eric.

...four, three, two, one,

and that is time.

Great job, guys.

♪♪

Whoo. Okay.

Excellent job.

Let's start with the least amount of success.

[ Laughs ] Eric, I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, you know this don't work.

Y'all set me up.

I didn't know! I didn't know!

You know what I'm saying? All right.

Let's move to brittania here.

Hairspray. Halfway.

I got to you.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

Didn't get to you so much.

It's really hard. -This is my awkward,

pre-pubescent, sort of in-between phase.

It was just all the elbow grease

for the unsatisfactory results.

Yeah. Brooke: But it does work in a pinch.

Well, that brings us to Mario. Yeah, Mario.

Congratulations... What the hell, man?

...with that axe spray. That's great.

Let's pause for a second and talk about the fact

that that is a perfumed body spray for men

that people put on their skin.

As soon as I applied it,

it started kind of dripping.

-That's really concerning. -Who knew?

[ Bell dings ]

[ Crowd cheers ]

Kevin: So, there you go, friends.

The next time you want to get rid of some permanent marker,

reach for some axe body spray.

Available at gas stations and drug stores.

Wherever sadness can be found. Mm-hmm.

♪♪

[ Buzzer sounding ]

♪♪

♪♪

Brooke: This is Bob.

He may not look like much, but back in the day,

Bob had some big, dumb dreams, which didn't quite work out.

Now Bob's a broke-ass,

and he needs every hack in the book to survive.

This is broke-ass Bob's guide to a job interview.

[ Cellphone rings]

Hello?

You got the résumé I faxed back in 2001?

An interview tomorrow?

That sounds great.

I'll see you then.

Holy hell, you have a job interview.

You'll have to get your suit cleaned,

get gas for your car, a shave,

and you're gonna need cash,

but you only have 17 bucks.

Wait, do you even have a suit?

Yes...

Just a wrinkle or two,

but I'll give it a steam treatment

for the wrinkles.

♪♪

Brooke: To get rid of wrinkles,

pop a few ice cubes in the dryer

and run it on high for 10 minutes.

It will steam the wrinkles right out.

Wow, looks great!

Brooke: I guess it's all relative.

Now let's print your résumé.

I haven't bought new ink

since y2k messed up all the computers.

You know that didn't happen, right?

Ugh, never mind.

Let's revive that ink cartridge.

Pop out the old one and run a hair dryer over it.

[ Hair dryer blows ]

The heat will thin the remaining ink,

giving your cartridge one last hurrah.

Holy heck! It worked!

Now about that beard --

it's not exactly screaming "hire me".

Guess I could use a shave.

Brooke: Let me guess -- you don't have shaving cream.

Sure don't.

How about peanut butter?

You can substitute peanut butter for shaving cream.

Its thick texture protects skin from nicks,

and its oil acts as a moisturizer.

Oh, god, please tell me you're not saving that for lunch.

Gross!

You're gross.

Well, Bob, looks like your interview prep

cost you less than 3 bucks.

And when I land the job, I'll save even more money

by getting free coffee

and stealing toilet paper from work.

Go get 'em, Bob.

♪♪

Kevin: Coming up...

That doesn't look right.

...it's alive!

We test viewer-submitted hacks to recharge dead batteries.

These batteries were legit dead.

Plus, we're going head-to-head and hack-to-hack

with our furry, little friends...

It's a scratching post.

...when the hack comes back.

♪♪

♪♪♪

Kevin: We now return to "hack 911".

Leo's school has a ban on white sugar,

so all the approved recipes use brown sugar.

Mack: Okay, um, Jack,

could you grab the molasses from my bag?

White sugar is really just brown sugar

before the molasses has been refined out of it.

Ah.

So, put a bit of molasses back in, and...

...voilà.

We have brown sugar.

Crisis averted.

Yep. [ Chuckles ]

-Call us if you need. -Ahhh!

Jack: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

♪♪

Really?

♪♪

Ah! Get there! Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, come on, hot fire. Nope.

Ah! I'm gonna lap you!

Oh, come on.

Come on.

My car is dead. Oh.

I need a pit crew to change the battery.

There's a solution to the problem, okay?

This is hack mail.

Friends, right in front of us

we have three sets of completely dead batteries,

and we're gonna try to revive them

with the power of your hack.

Whichever set of hacked batteries

can get our car across the finish line

receives our...

Hack seal of approval. Hack seal of approval.

All right, hack number one comes from Devon

in weehawken, New Jersey.

'Sup, Devon? He says...

So, the hack is that the friction generates heat

and somehow, that heat manifests itself

into delicious energy.

Here we go.

I'm gonna do this for like a minute.

Listen to all this friction.

♪♪

That -- that doesn't look right.

What are you talking about?

Okay, here we go. Moment of truth. Okay.

Completely dead batteries.

We'll set the timer and see what happens.

Oh!

Really?

I wasn't expecting that.

And now we're completely dead. Now we're dead.

[ Bell dings ] All right, so this hack gave the batteries

seven more seconds of life.

Imagine if you were Devon and that's all you needed

to just quickly go like... [Imitates razor buzzing]

And then he's like, "oh, my god!

I'm gonna get some tonight". [ Laughs ]

Don't have a half beard.

Hack number two comes to use from Cassie

in Cobb county, Georgia.

Cassie writes...

There we go.

Here we go.

Batteries in with the pennies.

♪♪

Let's each shake them for 30 seconds.

♪♪

I don't understand the science on this one, Brooke.

I really don't.

Let's see if it works, shall we?

♪♪

What the [bleep] no. No.

Come the [bleep] on. No way.

That's crazy.

These batteries were legit dead.

And wh-- oh, okay.

It's done.

[ Bell dings ] Now it's done.

So, the penny hack gave the batteries enough charge

for another 12 seconds.

Two for two in the oddly,

bizarrely successful department today.

What's next?

Hack number three comes from Julian

in scottsdale, Arizona.

He says...

So, I'm gonna go tip-to-tip.

Okay.

Okay, those are touching.

If this is a three-for,

my mind will officially be blown

for the first time on this show.

All right, let's set these aside for five minutes

and see what happens.

♪♪

In three, two, juice!

Whoa! Are you kidding?

No.

♪♪

Hot damn.

Those were dead batteries.

Has anybody called space hacks yet?

And it's still going.

I'll be damned.

No, come on.

And there's no sign of slowing down.

That's the other thing, is that this is going.

I think we're finally running out of juice.

Yes, over five minutes of added charge.

All three worked.

But one was just a tour De force.

Okay, so let's make it official. All right.

Julian... Julian from Arizona,

you and your battery-tape hack...

...win our...

Hack seal of approval. Hack seal of approval.

Whoo!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

For "batter" or worse, we probably all have

an old waffle maker just lying around, collecting dust.

Well, go grab it, guys,

'cause waffle irons aren't just for waffles anymore.

Today, I'm gonna show you

how to hack all your meals for the day

using nothing but a waffle iron.

Stop waffling about what to eat right now,

and let's get started.

Okay, all you need are some eggs,

some chopped up veggies of your choice,

throw in a little cheese, salt and pepper,

and nonstick spray.

I like to call it a "wafflet".

Let's just start with two eggs.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Then I'm gonna add some onion and peppers diced up,

some cheese.

Like always.

Some things never change, guys.

Okay, we've got our waffle iron on.

Lube this bad boy up.

All you do is pour this gorgeous concoction

right into the four sectors of waffly, eggy deliciousness.

Okay, see you on the other side, eggies.

I'm gonna let this sit for about three minutes,

and while our eggs are cooking...

It's time for lunch,

and we're gonna make pizza pockets.

All you need to start with is some Crescent roll dough,

pepperoni -- if that's how you roll --

a little bit of mozzarella cheese,

and some marinara for dipping that bad boy.

So, honestly, the hardest part of this whole hack

is getting this thing open.

Ah.

Just throw everything -- [ Tube pops ]

Ahh! [ Laughs ]

It was ready to pop.

All right, so you just go ahead

and start laying down some pepperonis.

Then I'm gonna add some delicious cheese.

Pop this guy on top.

Kind of pinch the whole thing together.

We're hacking a pizza, guys.

And I'm gonna throw it on our second waffle iron over here,

and, like last time,

we're gonna let this cook for three minutes.

All right, guys, eggs are done.

These guys look rad.

I'm just gonna do the old -- ahh!

Okay, that's great.

Look at these!

These are delicious, cheesy, fluffy eggs.

Best of all, you can drive and one-hand these bitches

on the way to work.

Then it's pizza waffle party time.

I mean, it looks like waffle, which is delicious in itself,

but it's filled with pepperoni!

Yeah, there we have it.

I'm gonna do a cross-section

so you can see how delicious this is.

Oh, boy.

♪♪

Gets a little hip dance. Gets a little...

♪♪

Kevin: Up next...

Who's got the most adorable hack

to take care of a new kitten?

Look at this little cat tent that I made for him!

Brooke: And still to come...

Kevin: It's a garbage bag.

Brooke: ...One man's trash

is another man's bagpipes...

[ Trash bag plays a sour note ]

...when we come back.

♪♪

Kevin: We now return to "hack 911."

Ahhh!

Jack: Go, go, go, go!

What is the matter?

It is gluten free!

I accidentally spelled Dillon -with-an-"i"'s name

with a "y".

[ Sighs ] Let's see this.

It's fine.

Yep.

Jack: Hey, could you live with having a cake

that didn't have six icing names on it?

Yes?

Jack, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, yeah!

Cookie cutter, sprinkles, stat.

The first thing that you're gonna want to do

is spread the colored frosting in with the white.

You simply choose your cookie cutter,

place it on the cake, fill it up with sprinkles...

Then gently remove the cookie cutter from the cake

and repeat as many times as you like.

And voilà. -You saved our cake.

Well, thank you guys so much.

Grab a gluten-free cookie on the way out.

Oh, thank you so much.

See you later.

Bye, guys. Thank you.

Whoa.

♪♪

It's host against host...

...and hack against hack.

We're going head-to-head

to see who's the better hacker.

Whoever runs out of hacks first

is clearly the loser.

This is anything you can hack...

...i can hack better.

Aww, your kitten is so adorable, kev.

So is yours, Brooke.

We should probably pit them against each other

in a cutthroat battle of the hacks.

Game on.

Right, tigger?

[ Cat hisses ]

Brooke, I got to tell you,

Sushi and I having an absolute blast over here,

but a fun fact --

turns out kittens love to scratch things,

like people.

So, I'm protecting all my furniture

with aluminum foil.

It's super easy.

♪♪

Cats hate the feeling of aluminum foil on their paws,

and because I'm a human, I don't care.

My concerns outweigh the cat's.

Cool hack, right?

Wow, that's quite a look, kev.

You know, I just decided to embrace

tigger's instincts to scratch

and cover my table legs with a cool, rustic rope.

No scratches on here.

It's a scratching post.

Doesn't this look so much better

than whatever you're doing?

Okay, but if you're so into decor, Brooke,

what are you doing about cat hair on your furniture?

Because I have a great hack.

You just take a rubber glove

and give all that unwanted fur a little swipe.

Brooke: Delicious.

By using a dryer sheet,

I can magnetize tigger's hair,

pick it up all at once,

and then throw the whole thing away.

Boom.

Oh... Wow.

All right, let's call that one a draw.

But let me tell you, when it comes to bedtime,

Sushi and I straight crush it.

Look at this little cat tent that I made for him!

Yeah, he sleeps in there instead of on my face

so I can just enjoy his gentle purrs

instead of a mouthful of fur,

and it's super, super easy to make.

You just unbend two wire hangers,

attach them to a piece of cardboard,

tape the top part where the hangers intersect,

and then pull a t-shirt over the whole thing.

Voilà, kitty tent.

Look at the little kitty tent.

That actually seems pretty useful.

Cats really, really love to face sleep.

I just pop on my sweet hockey mask,

and I call it a night.

Right?

No, you can't be serious.

It totally works.

I've been sleeping great.

Brooke, you're out of hacks.

We both know it, so just admit defeat.

Even Sushi knows you're full of [bleep].

[Sighsfine.

[ Buzzer sounds ]

I'm actually more of a dog person anyways.

♪♪

Kevin: Up next, one man's trash bag is another man's bagpipe...

[ Trash bag plays sour note ]

...when we come back.

♪♪

I'm officer Jack.

You might recognize me as the star

of the hit show "hack 911."

But I'm here today to talk to you about something serious --

childproof medicine bottles.

These can produce feelings of frustration,

stupidity, and depression, and it's not right.

But there is a way out, and it's a hack.

All you got to do is take this nightmare of a cap

and flip it over.

See that threading?

It's meant to be twisted like so into the bottle.

And boom. Fits like a glove.

Now that's a pill I can swallow.

♪♪

Yep.

Y'all gonna cut?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Kevin: The cheeseburger --

star of Memorial Day barbecues,

cornerstone of the fast-food economy,

but did you know this beloved piece of char-broiled americana

began as a hack from history?

Pasadena, 1926.

16-year-old Lionel sternberger

is a line cook at his dad's diner.

Lionel can't stop burning those tender beef patties...

Oh, man.

...but this sloppy teen is smarter than he looks,

or maybe it was just dumb luck.

Either way, he hacks the perfect cover-up.

Plot twist -- his cheesy cover-up is a culinary hit.

Customers begin to request cheese on their burgers.

Can I please have one of those hamburgers with cheese on it?

The cheese hamburger is officially added to the menu.

Cheese-hamburger fever sweeps the nation.

Denver, 1935.

Louis ballast of the humpty dumpty drive-in

trademarks the name "cheeseburger".

1948 -- the McDonald brothers stop selling barbecue

and start selling cheeseburgers.

We're gonna need a bigger burger.

It's cheeseburger mania.

The tasty hack takes the country by storm,

which brings us to today.

Americans chow down on billions of cheeseburgers every year.

God bless america.

Here's to you, Lionel sternberger.

Who knew your teenage screw-up

would lead to the tastiest fast-food hack of all time?

♪♪

Oh, hello again, friends,

and welcome to let's make a thing,

where one man's trash is another man's treasure.

Let's see what's in the box.

Oh...

It's a garbage bag.

Today, we're making bagpipes out of a trash bag.

Here's what you need --

the garbage bag, some recorders,

some tape, scissors, and a straw.

Okay, first things first.

I'm gonna cut it.

Right down the line we go.

Yeah!

We got to tape up this opening here,

but we have to make sure we insert a few things first --

number one, a straw.

So, we're gonna tape both sides of the bag up to that.

♪♪

Make a nice, airtight seal around that straw.

Okay, now we're gonna continue with the sealing of the bag.

♪♪

Don't want any air leaking out.

Now we're gonna stuff our first recorder into the top,

right about here.

This is gonna be the drone note for the bagpipes,

and to play the lowest note possible,

we have to cover all the holes on the recorder.

All right, get a nice, long strip

for all of the holes along the recorder.

Okay, we're almost there, friends.

One final step.

Corner cut.

Recorder's going in.

Tape it up.

And don't tape over any holes on the second recorder

because you'll use this one to play different notes.

I'm gonna blast a bunch of air into this thing.

Here we go.

[ Blows ]

[ Bagpipe music plays ]

[ Trash bag plays sour notes ]

Paul Simon fans, I hear you.

This one's for you.

♪♪

Everybody!

Call me out.

[ Blows ]

This hack may take your dignity,

but it will never take your freedom!

[ Blows ]

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