Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately.

[ Screams ]

[ Static ]

Dispatcher: Attention all units.

We have reports of a murder.

Oh, no.

When I find the sick freak who did this,

I swear to god, Jack, I am taking him down!

Wait. Sorry. Read that wrong.

We have reports of a murder-mystery party in progress.

[ Sighs ]

[ Siren wails ]

Let's go.

♪♪

[ Siren wails ]

It's quiet.

I think it's the right place.

Almosttoo

whoa. Whoa.

[ British accent ] Officers mack and Jack, I presume.

[ Gasps ]

Detective basil rothschild at your service.

[ Laughs ] I am hosting this party.

Yes! This is so cool!

♪♪

I baked cookies for the party, but I -- I left them

on the baking sheet too long,

and now the bottoms are burnt

and the guests are going to be here any minute.

He's right.

These cookies are like second-degree,

maybe even third-degree burnt.

Sir, the next time this happens, you take this cookie,

you rub it gently with a microplane, all right?

Now, that is gonna remove all that blackened char part

and leave you with a cookie that's crunchy and yet tasty.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, yeah. That's way better.

You have saved my cookies.

Just doing our job.

Ernesto: Asshole, I'm gonna kill you!

That's sounds like it's coming from outside.

All right, let's go! Let's move.

♪♪

Brooke: Tonight... On your Mark...

...on "hack my life"... ...Get set...

...who'll be the big cheese in our charcuterie hack-off?

It looks like it was plated by a pack of pit bulls.

Kevin: Look out, four-eyes!

We try your best hacks for keeping glasses

from sliding off your face.

Come on!

Brooke: And we're trying our best hacks

for getting past the bouncer.

You're not on the list.

Kevin: Plus, Brooke shows you

how to get out of bed and into shape.

What do you say?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Whoa.

Start your engines.

Hey, go get me a light beer.

This... Freeze!

...is "hack my life."

♪♪

Kev, I didn't know you wore glasses.

Oh, I don't.

I just put these on so I could dramatically remove them

when I tell you that the earth is on a collision course

with an asteroid, and...

We only have minutes to live.

Oh.

Also, we've got hacks that can help you keep your glasses

from slipping off your face.

This is hack mail. Oh, boy.

Brooke, how will we test these hacks scientifically-like?

Well, funny you should ask.

To test each hack, we've set up a little obstacle course

where we're going to sidestep through a ladder,

jump twice on a trampoline,

and then bend over and pick an item out of a box.

Whichever viewer-submitted hack does the best job

preventing these bad boys

from sliding down our faces wins our...

Both: Hack seal of approval.

Hack number one comes to us

from Alexis in Pierre, south Dakota.

So, now, the idea is to wrap them around here, right?

Yeah. To create, like, a stopper?

A little something like this.

I'm just gonna do one of these guys.

That's holding.

Should we take it to the test course?

Yes.

What? What? Ho! Huh?

Ho! Whoa!

Ha-hoo! Ha-ha!

Okay, one, two. That's it. One more.

Wha! Moment of truth.

Boom. Who?

[ Exhales sharply ]

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ooh, huh?

Into a double bounce.

Dismount to object pickup, and, oh.

Oh. Glasses are on my face.

'Sup?

Hack number two comes courtesy of Duane

in gainesville, Florida.

Duane seems to think our glasses need old-timey leg braces,

like, as if our glasses had rickets.

Yeah, so, you can use the scissors

to cut the popsicle stick to the length of your glasses.

Yeah, and then just tape them to the frame.

Well, a Florida man said this would work.

Let's give it a try.

What? Uh, just, what?

I mean, how does she? Okay.

And one, two.

Yep. Can confirm.

Trampoline navigated.

[ Irish accent ] Luck of the Irish to you, huh?

[ Exhales sharply ]

High step! [ Normal voice ] Oh.

Come on!

[ Slow motion ] High step!

Come on!

[ Normal voice ] Bvp, it is time

for our third and final hack.

Comes to us from Valerie in Knoxville, Tennessee.

She writes...

[ Wax squeaking ]

Okay, and done.

All right, beeswax, let's make some magic,

shall we, buddy?

Okay. Whoa.

Up. Ohh. Okay.

And the glasses are holding.

They're still on my face.

One, two. Mm-hmm.

Piece of cake. And...

♪ Welcome to my nightmare ♪

[ Gasps ]

Wow. What? Do they -- what?

Here we go. [ Sighs ]

Hah! Huh! Ha! Hah!

A-one and a-two and a-- son of a --

come on!

[ Slow motion ] Come on!

Well, Brooke, our first hack was probably our most effective.

So, I guess, to Alexis. Yay!

And let's give it to all of Pierre, south Dakota.

The whole population.

You and your hair tie-glasses hack get our...

Both: Hack seal of approval.

Now you're known for something.

Update the wiki.

♪♪

[ Brittle tapping ]

♪♪

Brooke: She's cunning, she's calculating,

and she's using unscrupulous hacks

to get the better of every Tom, dick, and Harry in her path.

Beware the cold-blooded hacker.

The cold-blooded hacker needed a change of scenery.

She'd hacked every hack and duped every dummy around.

It was time to skip town.

Of course, she used hacks to cut ties and move out

with as much cold cash as possible.

First, she set out to sell her furniture.

She photographed it and posted it online.

Then, she created another post for the same item,

inflating the price so the first one would look like a steal.

Cold-blooded hack.

Just when she was ready to hit the road,

she noticed something --

nail holes in her wall.

She'd be damned

if she wasn't getting her security deposit back.

Think she'd spackle?

Think again.

She faked it with toothpaste.

Cold-blooded hack.

With that, she took off like the wind.

Where would she go next?

Only she knew.

She just jumped in her car and...

[ Tires screech ]

Oh, crap! That was a rental!

No wayshe'd

to hide the scratch from the rental-car company,

she covered it with nail Polish.

Cold-blooded hack.

Now, as I was saying, where would she go next?

Only she knew.

Could be your podunk town.

So, beware of the cold-blooded hacker.

Kevin: Up next, find out what it takes to crash the gates.

All right, how confident do you feel about this one?

This one's gonna work.

Brooke: And later, we're hacking to greener pastures

in our bike-mower re-hack.

How much fun?

I don't know how to turn it off.

♪♪

Kevin: We now return to "hack 911."

I'm gonna kill you, basil! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Freeze!

Now, somebody want to explain

what's going on here?

This is Ernesto, the building super.

He lives next door and he is no fan

of murder-mystery role-playing.

You've been making all this racket,

getting ready for your stupid party.

I may have moved some furniture in preparation.

What about all the screaming?

I was pretending to be the victim!

Hey, hey! Break it up.

All right, all right, now...

We can make it so you two

never have to hear each other ever again!

Come. This way.

Jack, what is wrong with you?

Ernesto, roll this carpet for me, will you?

And, you, take the pictures down off the wall, immediately!

Ha ha ha ha!

Most interior walls are hollow, which means sound waves

will pass through them pretty easily.

[ Stapler clicks ]

You know, hanging a carpet or a rug on a wall

is a really stylish way to make your room

so quiet that nobody will hear you scream.

Wow, it's really quiet in here now.

Almosttoo

[ water dripping ]

♪♪

Okay.

♪♪

I like to have a little bit of makeup with me,

but I don't want to carry around my entire makeup bag.

Now what?

Kevin: No problem.

Just store your beauty essentials in a sunglasses case.

Okay, but now there's nothing protecting my sunglasses,

and they're getting all scratched up.

So, now what?

Kevin: Easy.

Squirt car wax on the lens and buff with a soft cloth.

You'll look cool again in no time.

[ Scoffs ] Yeah, my sunglasses are sparkling,

but now my car's all grimy

because I used the last of the car wax

to Polish my shades. Now what?

Kevin: Just reach for some hair conditioner.

You can Polish your car to a rich, luxurious shine.

Okay, but I just had to use all of my conditioner on the car,

and now my hair's a frizzy, hot mess.

Now what? Kevin: Simple.

Grab an avocado and rub it in your hair.

The oils will tame that mane.

Smart, but now the avocado's clogging up the drain

because it's avocado.

Now what?

Kevin: I got this.

Just drop two antacid tablets in the standing water

and let the fizzy action dissolve the clog.

Great.

Well, all this problem solving is giving me a stomachache,

and all my antacid tablets are down the drain.

Ha ha! Now what?

Kevin: If you make a mix of ginger,

honey, lemon juice, and warm water,

that achy tum-tum will go bye-bye.

[ Scoffs ] Perfect.

Now I feel [chuckles] as good as I look.

Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

You know, when it comes to nightlife,

usually one person decides if you're gonna have a good time

or if you're just wasting your time.

Yeah. It's the dreaded bouncer.

Which is why we're gonna show you guys some hacks

to get out of the line and up into that club.

This is gaming the system.

We're gonna show you

how to game your way past the velvet rope.

And by "we," I mean professional party crasher Devon free.

Hello. How are you guys?

How are you guys? Good.

So, do you remember the first event

that you successfully navigated your way into?

Um, the vmas. What?!

The vmas. [ Laughs ]

That's pretty high-stakes. That's not like a quinceañera

or, like, you're in a bouncy house

at a park or whatever.

I had -- there was a group. I think it was one direction.

Sure. One direction.

Yeah, I remember one direction.

Yeah, you remember one direction. Yeah.

I decked out their team's town car,

and we literally just rolled right into the awards show.

The key is to never second-guess.

The moment you second-guess, it's over.

Well, Devon, I think you're the man,

you're the guy with the résumé,

so we're gonna have you try out

some hacks we found on the Internet

to get past the bouncer.

We're gonna give you an earpiece, okay?

If you get in the club...

The system's gamed. Pbht.

Right? Right? Let's do it.

All right, see you.

Devon, can you hear us? Yep.

All right, Devon's first hack is the person of authority hack.

Yes, he's walking right up to the bouncer

like he's late tohis

let's do it.

Good luck.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Coming through. Coming through.

Coming through. Oh, I love it.

I love it. I love it.

"Coming through." Yep, yep, yep.

Not like, "can you get out of my way?"

It's, "I'm coming through."

Try a name that seems unnecessarily complicated,

like a... Like a European club owner.

Did he say he's a big cartoon schooner?

Cartoon Scooby?

Sorry.

Huh?

Ooh, I think he's challenging him.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

[ Buzzer ]

Our next hack is the fake delivery hack.

So, for this one, Devon will act as if he's a delivery person

with, oh, some delightful flowers.

And who would ever turn those away?

Right, right. You don't want to be

the person who pisses off the boss

who's expecting a flower delivery.

All right, Devon, how confident do you feel about this one?

Yeah, this one's it. This one's gonna work.

Of course, this guy's already seen you,

so maybe try and hide your face behind the flowers.

Ooh, ooh, good one.

Oh, I like this.

He's bypassing the line entirely.

He's not cutting through the line.

He's walking straight up to the door.

Hello, sir.

I'm here with serell's.

Come on.

Oh, he's really not messing around.

Yeah, he's getting a little physical with him.

Oh, okay. Oh, that's not good.

Devon, abort hack! You got to abort the hack.

Seriously. [Bleep]

Ohh! Oh!

Oh, no, this is like... Oh, no!

Okay. Nope. All right.

Let's call it.

Oh, my god.

[ Buzzer ]

Well, here's the thing.

We are not getting into this club tonight.

Nope. You know what?

Uhhh... Or any night.

Any night, really, if we're to be honest.

We're not getting into this club.

Nope. We didn't game this one.

You probably do much better without getting hacks from us.

Yeah.

[ Buzzer ]

Kevin: Up next...

Brooke motivates the masses.

What do you say?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Kevin: Plus, it's a charcuterie showdown.

Eddie's workstation looks like a frantic mess.

All this and more when "the hack" comes back.

♪♪

Kevin: We now return to "hack 911."

[ Water dripping ]

♪♪

Mack: Ohh.

Guess I got to go get my toolbox.

No need.

Jack, got any zip ties?

Never leave home without 'em.

All right, cover me.

I'm going in. You got it.

If you ever need to tighten a bolt,

just loop a zip tie around it and pull.

So, you want to tighten it to this nut right here.

You see that?

The tie will create a firm seal around the nut,

and there should be enough tension

that you can give it a good twist or two.

Water pressure is slowing.

Give us all you got, Jack!

Aah, come on!

And we're good.

We're good. You got it. [ Sighs ]

Shh, shh, shh. Okay. [ Sighs ]

You have saved me so much money on my water bill.

I don't know how I could possibly thank you.

Cool!

Perhaps you'd like to stay for the party?

Please? No.

♪♪

Kevin: It's take two for failed hacks.

This is re-hack.

Welcome, everyone, to re-hack,

where failed hacks from seasons past

get a chance to redeem themselves.

Last time, Kevin and I went head-to-head to see

if a hacked bicycle lawnmower could get the job done faster

than a regular old lawn mower.

It could not.

That bike mower was an epic fail.

Mow-town.

Yeah, baby!

How's it going over there, kev?

This is impossible.

Looking back on this, I was set up for failure.

You were.

Thick, metal mower attachment, giant metal bike,

no gears whatsoever.

Everything was stacked against me here.

And that's a whole lot of fail.

Aw, sure is.

For this re-hack, we're going to use a motorized bicycle

this time, huh?

Bring out the motorized bicycle!

Oh, it's right there.

Oh.

Hey! All right! It's beautiful.

Look at it. She's stunning.

To make this beauty, just remove the front wheel

of a motorized bike and then use nuts and bolts

to attach the bike forks to the mower.

On your Mark, get set...

Go!

A foot and a half? Oh.

Ohhh. The clippings are flying.

Whoo!

Mow that grass.

Hey, go get me a light beer. Look at her.

She's going, and she's mowing on this.

My dad would be proud.

How much fun?

Ugh!

A quick visual inspection lets me know

that the grass has, in fact, been clipped.

Turns out all the bike mower needed was a motor,

and now this re-hack is a success.

You're good, Brooke. You can come back now.

I -- I don't know how to turn it off.

♪♪

♪♪

Time for one lucky hacker to make her Mark.

This is pop quiz.

Ever found yourself hard at work,

only to have your flow ruined by a dried-up marker?

Aw. I was this close

to finishing this very important document.

[ Roar! ]

Sorry to interrupt, Picasso, but I've got a hack

that'll get your marker flowing free and easy again.

Let's play pop quiz.

Did you see my drawing?

I am so over this job. Oh.

Well, with an attitude like that,

you'll be upper management in no time.

To renew a dried-out marker, should you,

"a," rub the tip with an ice cube,

"b," fill the marker cap with baking soda

and let it sit for an hour,

or "c," dip the tip in rubbing alcohol?

I'm gonna go with "a, rub the tip with an ice cube.

[ Buzzer ]

I'm gonna have to report you to H.R.

There's no place for tip rubbing

in an office setting.

Also, the right answer is "c," rubbing alcohol.

Pour a little out into a bowl

and let the marker sit in it

until you see the ink flowing out into the liquid,

and you're good to go.

Wow, it really worked!

Thanks, bubble lady.

You want to stick around and draw with me?

Oh, uh, thanks, but some of us actually have work to do.

[ Dramatic chords play ]

See you next time on pop quiz.

♪♪

Kevin: Coming up,

lazy trainer Brooke is here to motivate you.

It has been awesome almost working out with you today.

Get your hacks in gear when we return.

♪♪

Behold, a golden brick of pure, uncut cheddar.

I'd offer you a slice,

but I actually don't have anything to cut it with.

But I'm not freaking out, because today

I've got three hacks that could help you

cut the cheese in a pinch.

This is hack vs. Hack.

[ Crowd cheers ]

Today, I'm joined by Trixie, Eddie, and Tony.

They're three friends who are also from "Maja files."

But I should let you know I like cheese,

but cheese doesn't like me, so...

Lactose-intolerant? Mm-hmm.

Oh, you picked the perfect picnic to join, then, Tony.

[ Both laugh ]

Here are your three hacks for cutting cheese.

♪♪

Hack number one, some dental floss.

Hack number two, good old-fashioned credit card.

And last but not least, box of aluminum foil.

Trixie, we'll start with you.

Awesome.

Which hack would you like?

The floss.

If it cuts your gums, it could cut cheese.

Eddie, what about you? The credit card.

I think it's a cleaner cut.

Swipe it in the machine,

you could swipe it through some smoked gouda.

Tony, you've got the box of aluminum foil.

My recommendation would be to use the metal,

serrated edge... Yeah.

...like jaws' teeth,

and try to cut it up.

Now, you'll each have two minutes

to slice as much cheese as possible

with your given hack.

You're gonna be judged on speed, presentation,

and of course, variety.

♪♪

Ready...set...

Slice!

The floss is taut and cutting through it.

Tony's got some real clean cuts

going right now with that aluminum-foil box.

Credit card, he's got a variety going there.

All I can think about are all the dusty,

questionable atms it's been jammed into.

A little extra seasoning on that cheese.

Aw, the floss is struggling.

Eddie's workstation looks like a frantic mess.

You got to make it pretty.

Let's focus on plating.

You've got 10 seconds.

It is still anybody's game here.

Hands up in 5...4... 3...2...1.

And that's it.

It's time.

Hands up. Oh, man!

Let's start with you, Trixie.

I'm looking at this block of cheddar.

You see how it looks like a skate ramp?

Maybe the floss wasn't getting all the way through...

Yes, it wouldn't go all the way through.

...to get a clean cut. It did on the front,

and then, towards the middle, was not working.

Eddie, let's go to this tailgate of a mess here.

If you want to feed a family of eight,

I mean, this is it, right here.

The credit card's kind of bent...

Totally. ...But I think it worked.

It kind of looks like it was plated by a pack of pit bulls.

Tony, the volume is a little low,

but the quality looks really nice.

Yeah. Well, you all got

the variety there, so now it come to speed

and it comes down to presentation.

And judging by the amount of desire,

or lack thereof, I have

to eat the cheese off of these plates,

congratulations to Tony and his aluminum-foil hack.

He is the winner of this hack vs. Hack.

[ Applause ] Well done, sir.

Tony, you also receive the golden gouda.

[ Laughs ]

Look, in a pinch, if you don't have a knife,

reach for the foil.

It worked for Tony.

That's why he's going home with all the cheese,

despite the fact that he's lactose-intolerant.

Ooh!

There you go.

Yeah!

♪♪

Ugh!

The toughest part about working out

is not the exercise.

It's actually getting to the gym.

But today I've got some hacks

that'll get even the laziest of layabouts

up and moving their bods.

Sure. Mm-hmm.

All right.

Got my work cut out for me today.

We all do this, right?

We go to bed at night, set an alarm, like, "oh,

I'm gonna get up first thing in the morning and work out."

And what do we do?

Turn off that alarm and go back to bed.

Well, here's a little trick.

When you set your alarm at night,

the next step is to cover it

with post-it notes that you've written

positive self-affirmations on,

that motivate you to work out.

What do you guys think about that?

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Let's do it.

Okay, now I want you to pick up your sticky notes

and your marker and write some self-affirmations.

♪♪

Lets's hear one, nikita.

"I have endless stamina."

Oh, my god! I hope that's true.

That'll really help you out in the gym.

Mara, what'd it say on your phone?

"Great job being me."

I couldn't agree more.

Jason, what do you have on your phone?

I just got three pictures of boobs.

Well, okay, whatever motivates you.

Researchers have found that simply

putting on workout clothing

makes it much more likely you'll go to the gym.

So, to make sure you get that spandex on your bootie,

I've got a hack for you.

Take your workout clothing out of the drawer

and put it somewhere you can't avoid.

Okay, nikita, what are you thinking?

Oh, I'm gonna attach my workout clothes to my car keys.

O-m-g.

That is a great idea.

Okay, Mara, what are you thinking about

for your workout clothing?

Well, I was thinking I'd put them in the bathtub.

Okay.

Yeah, I figure I have to take them out

before I get in the shower.

Okay. That's good thinking.

Hey, Jay, what's going on with your workout clothes?

Well, I decided to put my clothes in the microwave.

Oh, my gosh. Why?

Well, I use it in the morning to warm up my coffee.

Okay.

I use it to microwave my lunch

and I watch it spin at night because my TV's broken.

I have a good feeling for, buddy.

Thanks, Brooke.

All right, guys, there's no avoiding your clothing,

so let's put those things on. What do you say?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Whoa!

You guys, it has been awesome

almost working out with you today.

[ Laughs ]

I'm Brooke, your lazy trainer.

I'll see you next time.

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