Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better!

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately!

Brooke: Hack at your own risk, hackers!

Kevin: On the series premiere of "nurse hackie"...

-Sir, what's going on? -I was attacked by mosquitos.

Yeah, I get the urge to scratch.

But there's a better way.

Of course there's a better way.

This looks like a pretty clear enough case to me.

I'll have to amputate.

Amputate?

Excuse me. I have to scrub in for surgery.

Relax.

I've got pills -- my answer to everything.

Aspirin contains salicylic acid,

an anti-inflammatory compound.

We're just going to dip this in water.

Rubbing it on the bug bite should draw out that acid

and relieve the itchiness.

It's working!

Okay, nurse. Scalpel!

Wait! Stop!

Her hack worked!

Nurse hackie, you won't get away with this.

Wow, you're stuck working with that guy?

Mm-hmm.

Kevin: "Nurse hackie" -- not too high to hack it.

-Tonight... -Hoo!

Brooke: ...On "hack my life"...

Kevin: Brooke drops the hammer on hacks

to get more use out of old cosmetics.

Just smashing, you stupid powder!

Kevin goes hunting for hacks at a fire station.

I'm gonna sit in the corner and try to hang on to my eyebrows.

Kevin: And we push our tiny bladders to the limit

to test your hacks for holding it in.

All right, let's do this before I burst.

Brooke: Plus it's host versus host

as we see who can hack it better on a road trip.

What's that, Siri?

I'm the winner.

We're putting our best face forward.

Put on your whore makeup, as my dad would say.

Kevin: This is "hack my life."

It's host against host...

Brooke: And hack against hack.

Each one of us will present a hack,

and the other will have to top it.

Whoever runs out of hacks first loses.

Kevin: This is anything you can hack...

Brooke: I can hack better.

It's time to put the pedal to the metal...

And find out who's got the best highway hacks.

Both: Road-trip edition!

First things first, I want to get my phone mounted

so I can have a hands-free navigation station.

All you need to do that is a rubber band.

I'm just gonna loop it through my vent.

Pull it through.

I've got my rubber-band mount.

I see your rubber band,

and I raise you the versatile binder clip, Brooke.

Just jam it on an a/c vent.

Take your cell phone.

Place it inside of the clip's handles.

You're hands-free and good to go.

What's that, Siri?

I'm the winner.

Brooke: Okay, "kev,"

let's see who wins when it comes to snack attacks.

Before I hit the road,

I use a tackle box to make a "snackle" box.

All of my little snackies in one tidy container.

No fast-food stops for me.

No, no, no. You're missing the point, Brooke.

It's not a road trip unless you stop for some fast food.

You just go ahead and have your meal,

and then you just hack a plastic cereal container

into a portable trash bin.

Line it with a bag, seal it up

so it won't stink up your car.

Mmm, victory.

It's almost as delicious as these fries.

Are you covering your face in shame now, Brooke?

In your dreams, kev, all right?

I'm trying to protect my eyes from the blazing sun.

But luckily, I brought a piece of black velvet

to lay across my dashboard.

The velvet absorbs the sun's rays, and it prevents glare.

I glare you to top that.

Oh, I am one to accept a glare, and I shall,

with the aid of this hack here --

some sunglasses.

Time out. Did you just say sunglasses?

Yeah.

I mean, they do prevent the sun from getting in your eyes,

but, Kevin, you're calling that a hack?

All right, I call this one. You lose.

Okay, fine, I lose.

But at least I look damn good while doing it.

Do you?

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, it's a scorcher!

I mean, you could cool off at a water park,

but why spend a bunch of time and money

just to frolic around in chlorine

and some stranger's urine,

when you could turn your own backyard

into a watery wonderland!

This is hack or wack.

Today, I'm joined by Kim, who's a mother two.

And, Kim, you're gonna help me hack this limp little noodle

into a backyard water park.

All right, let's do it.

You didn't question that at all.

You seem to believe that this is gonna work.

I have some faith.

I just didn't believe it as I said it.

But I think it can happen.

We need a pool noodle, some scissors,

some tape, and some skewers.

All right.

So, take the skewer and Pierce it straight through the noodle.

You just want to make sure it pierces all the way through,

like an ex-girlfriend's Instagram post.

All right, that's enough holes. -Okay.

We want to cut off about 2 inches of the pool noodle.

Mazel tov!

Use this to cut a little wedge.

And we're gonna use this basically

like a foamy little cork. -Okay.

This is gonna plug up that hollow center of the noodle.

Now, you can also add some tape to keep that plug in place.

And then after that, just jam the hose into the hole

at the top, and you're good to go.

So, Kim... -Yeah?

What do you think?

It looks promising.

Are you being 100% honest right now, Kim?

Okay, it looks strange.

Kids, what do you think?

-Yeah. -Are you ready?

3...

2...

1...

Let there be water!

It's working!

This is awesome!

It's a backyard water park!

So now, I'll ask you, Kim,

before we get to the real judges here...

Do you think this thing is hack or wack?

Definitely hack.

Kids, what do you think? Is this thing hack or wack?

-Hack. -This is a hack?

-Yeah! -It's not wack at all?

-No. -You're sure this is a hack?

-Yes. -100% a hack?

-Yes! -Okay, cool!

I believe you, then!

Pool-noodle water sprinkler.

It's a hack.

Brooke: Coming up, it's a mellow-yellow hack mail.

So, as long as you can hold this position,

you will not soil yourself.

Find out which of your bladder-control tricks

is our number-one hack.

Kevin: And later, take cover!

Hacks to protect yourself from an angry boss

when the "hack" comes storming back.

Kevin: On a chilling new episode of "nurse hackie"...

Ah, nurse. What do we have here?

Hackie: Patient complaining of severe cranial pain.

That's fine. Nothing a simple lobotomy can't fix.

Doctor, look, in the patient's hands!

Brain freeze.

I need to press your tongue against the roof of your mouth,

like this.

Nurse, we're wasting valuable lobotomy time here.

[ Muffled ] My headache is going away!

Yes!

That's because you're warming up the blood vessels

in your soft palate.

I feel so much better.

Nurse, I swear,

one of these days, your hack habits?

They're gonna catch up to you.

Maybe.

But my pill addiction has a good shot

of catching up with me first.

-Pill addiction? -Anyway...

Another patient cured! Nice work, doctor.

Kevin: "Nurse hackie" -- she'll hack you up.

Maybe you had one too many ventis at the local coffee shop.

Or maybe there's strict one-in/one-out policy

when it comes to beverages in your bladder.

Oh, man, I am so close.

Well, Brooke, you're in luck!

This is hack mail.

So, Brooke and I have been basically chugging water all day

and we have not relieved ourselves,

so whichever hack reduces our acute desire

to urinate today will be awarded our...

Both: Hack seal of approval!

All right, let's do this before I burst.

Hack number one comes from Dan in buffalo.

Okay, okay.

Uh, are we doing this together? -I'm gonna scratch my calf.

I don't know if I can get out of this position.

Okay.

This is doing nothing.

Kev. I'm gonna piss all over my own calf.

Okay.

No. No.

Our second hack comes just from Lacey in Dallas, tejas.

Just gonna warm up the area.

Gonna get bundled -- oh, you're going right to the source.

You're targeted. -Yeah.

Kevin, I don't know.

Yeah.

How's your bladder?

I'm actually doing okay.

When you start doing the tap dance 'cause you have to pee,

it's kind of like the same tap dance you do when you're cold.

So now that I'm warming myself up,

I'm feeling a little less jittery.

I don't know that I'm milliseconds away

from wetting myself.

It's still definitely in my future.

There's a little something to that.

I've found a nice place in my head.

But do you feel like you have to pee? I still have to pee.

I still have to pee. Okay.

Our third hack comes from Ashley in San clemente, California.

So, Bridges.

Feet down, and then just get it up.

Come on!

So, as long as you can hold this position,

you will not soil yourself.

Yeah. I just wonder how people feel

about doing this in the grocery store.

Sure. Those long subway rides home.

At a concert.

I can stick around for the encore now.

Now, what happens when my other muscles start to hurt?

Yeah.

I think we've been bamboozled. -We have.

Why don't we go to the bathroom,

then decide which of these three is the winner.

-Yes. Okay. -Okay.

Sweet, sweet relief.

Sweet release.

So, scratching the calf did not do anything

to alleviate my urge to pee.

Our second hack was all about warmth.

I felt comfy and safe. -I did, too.

It was a like a nice little cocoon,

that if I did happen to pee in,

so be it.

Our final hack was in fact the glute squeeze.

Mnn.

Pick your favorite yoga posish', and just crush it!

Just... Until you don't have to pee anymore.

Except that moment never came for me.

What about you? -I'd rather piss myself

than lay down and do glute exercises.

I think that's more socially acceptable.

I think there's a clear number one.

Oh! Ha-ha.

Congrats to you, Lacey from Dallas.

You and your warmth hack get our...

Both: Hack seal of approval!

I feel so good. Do you want to go drinking?

I actually need to pee again.

♪♪

♪♪

Kevin: She's demanding.

She's unreasonable.

And she holds your economic livelihood

in her perfectly manicured grip!

To make it in this workplace,

you'll need a hack line of defense

against your nightmare boss.

Your boss has a breakfast meeting in 20 minutes

and just noticed the pleats in her skirt

aren't sharp enough to cut glass.

I don't think anyone will notice.

Right on it, boss.

The heat is on! But don't lose your cool.

Just lay the skirt out on a table

and take a flat iron to the pleats.

Before you know it, those creases will be sharper

than your boss's next put-down!

You made it back to your boss's desk with a minute to spare.

Just enough time to learn that she cancelled the meeting

and started a new diet.

But it looks like her dog, bitzy,

hasn't quit the carbs or dairy!

Now this pampered poodle has cream cheese matted

into the hair on her snout!

Good thing you know that coating a dog brush with cornstarch

and combing it onto bitzy's snout will absorb grease

and leave her fur looking whiter than your boss's snowy mane.

Come on, bitzy, we're getting you home to your mom!

After taking bitzy for a quick walk, it's off to lunch!

[ Cellphone rings ]

Or is it?

Don't crack so close to break time.

Just "smone" it in! -Hey, boss!

Smiling while talking on the phone

will make you sound happier and more pleasant.

Even fake smiling releases chemicals

that improve your mind-set. -Bye!

Now, that is some good "smone" etiquette.

Bitzy is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed,

but your nightmare boss is fading.

She needs a caffeine fix!

Like, now.

Though you imported your boss's favorite

raw coffee beans last week,

getting them ready to brew is another matter.

If you can't find a coffee roaster,

an old popcorn air popper will do the trick.

Just drop in the beans, tilt the popper back,

and let 'er roar for seven to eight minutes.

Long enough to ponder what you're doing with your life.

Brooke: Coming up,

Kevin hunts for hacks in a firehouse

and winds up between the sheets with two firefighters.

At the risk of sounding like a complete creeper,

can I see where you sleep?

Kevin: Plus our lazy beauty expert gets fired up.

Why does everything with a lighter look so illegal?

Kevin: Find out how to get more use out of your old cosmetics

when the "hack" comes back.

What's up, hack heads?

It's me, Terrell.

And welcome back to my channel, hax unboxed.

Look at this box.

I have a tuna-can pizza cutter.

We're gonna open this box up.

Now, look at this.

I like how this is made.

Let's take this out.

Oh, it just slides out.

And it looks like this is an actual tuna-can top,

and it's put together with a bolt.

I like it!

So, we have a pizza here.

I'm gonna keep the instructions right there

because I'm dealing with a deadly weapon.

All right. Sharp end here.

"Then gently press down and push the cutter

with the ruler handle across your pizza."

Here we go.

Yes!

Just like a pizza cutter!

Mm-hmm.

Mmm, that's good too!

Like, comment, and subscribe.

I want to hear what you think about this --

this here pizza-cutter situation.

Is this dishwasher-safe?

Hell no!

If you break it, just get a new one.

Our phones are a part of our lives

we can barely live without.

But sometimes they need to be replaced.

Whether they wear out, break, or we just want the latest model.

So today, we're trying to upgrade our phones

ahead of schedule by gaming the system.

I'm with comedian Josh androsky.

We've got a few tricks up our sleeves

that he's gonna put to the test.

Have you ever tried anything to weasel your way into an upgrade?

Do you have any skills? -Oh, yeah.

The key to me, I think, is, like,

getting in a relationship with the salesperson.

-I like that. -Yeah.

We actually have a Mark behind us.

He's the guy working at that kiosk.

The thinking is that a small business will be more responsive

to our hacks than a chain store.

It sells current upgraded retail phones.

-Yeah! -They've even got floor models.

Brooke: Speaking of that, here's hack number one --

offer to take a floor model used for customer demos.

Depending on how much of an upgrade you're trying to get,

the retailer might let you have

one of the phones from the display.

So I want to see if Josh can make that happen.

He's able to hear me

through this little communication device.

Josh, do you hear me?

Yeah. Hey.

I think I'm ready to go in and do it, dude.

That's perfect. That's what we want.

Hey. How are you?

-Good. -Hey, Jack.

I'm Josh. -Josh.

Yeah, nice to meet you, Jack.

I'm looking for an upgrade.

I got this phone.

Are you eligible for an upgrade right now?

I think I should be eligible, so...

Or we could just skip the hassle,

and then I could just like, maybe take, ehhh,

maybe this, like, floor model right there.

I wish I could. The only, like, floor model

that we can sell... -Okay, there we go.

Oh. Okay.

-And, like, the -- -yeah, like a flip phone.

That's just cool. Did you get this at a museum?

No. And that's the only floor model

that, you know, I'd be able to do.

I'm gonna give you this, and...

-Sorry about that. -No worries.

It's, um...

That was not -- that did not work.

No, no. Josh, don't give up.

You have to try hack number two --

threaten to cancel your service.

Ohh, that's good.

Yeah.

If you claim you're so dissatisfied

that you want to end your service,

the provider might give you a new phone,

as opposed to lose you as a customer.

Okay.

Kiosk Jack. -Yeah.

-How are you, buddy? -Good.

You know, I did some thinking, and...

I am not terribly happy with my wireless service.

And it's not, like, your fault.

Like, I don't want you to feel bad or whatever.

-Sure. -But...

I am gonna cancel my service if I don't get a better phone.

That's good.

I mean, I totally understand where you're coming from,

you know, and obviously we'd hate to see you go.

Why don't I at least give our retention center a call?

I can't promise -- yeah, call the retention center.

I'll just be here.

You guys, this might happen.

This might actually go down.

I think it's working.

I do too. He's talking to the higher ups.

Yes. Exactly.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

It's taking a while.

He's talking. He's not stopping.

You're still in the game. You're still in the game.

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

-Perfect. Thank you. -Still in the game.

Good news.

I got approval. -Oh, that's fantastic!

We're gonna get your upgrade eligibility bumped up early.

That is so -- can I give you a hug?

Let's do it. Let's hug it out. Yeah.

This is beautiful thing happening right now.

I want to talk about this guy today, so that way you're --

that's great. It's a smartphone. It doesn't flip.

That's good.

I love it, dude.

I love phones, I love getting stuff,

and I especially love getting phone stuff.

-We gamed the system. -We did it!

♪♪

♪♪

I'm Kevin pereira.

Many consider me to be

the world's foremost expert on hacking.

And today, my never-ending quest for new hacks

has brought me to fire station 102.

My mission?

Observe firefighters in their natural habitat

until I discover their best hack,

and bring it to the viewers at home.

This is Kevin pereira, hack hunter.

Meet Max and hennessey.

They've agreed to let me shadow them.

My hunt begins with an overview of their gear.

What's the average time between a phone ringing

and you guys getting ready?

We need to get out of the station within two minutes.

So, this is sort of standard gear that you would throw on

within two minutes? -Yes.

As soon as I saw this peculiar trouser-and-boot combination,

I suspected it might be our first hack.

It's a quicker way for us to get dressed.

So when we get the call and we're stepping in,

it's just one quick step.

So this could be used, like, if parents have fussy kids

and they need to get to school on time...

-Yeah. -...They could actually make

a mini game out of this. -Exactly.

The firemen let me try on the rest of their gear,

to see if I could discover another hack.

But there were no more to be found here.

You guys wear this stuff?

And yet, the air was thick with the scent of hacking,

and it seemed to be coming from the kitchen.

I had found a hack for

getting kids out the door in the morning.

Perhaps I could find out how to keep them fed as well.

This is crock-pot lasagna? -Yeah.

What's step one to making crock-pot lasagna?

So, step one is always -- we don't like to do dishes.

So you're gonna line the actual crock-pot with some tinfoil.

There you go. -Okay.

Kevin: The tinfoil hack was brilliant in its simplicity.

But my desire to find an even better hack was insatiable.

Much like Max and hennessey's hunger

for processed cheese.

I would just do the whole thing.

-Do it. -It's good.

-Yeah. -All right.

I had a hunch where I would find the next hack,

so I asked the firefighters to take me there.

Gents, great room.

Love the low ceilings and the florescent bulbs.

That's great. Where do you sleep?

What we do when we need to go to sleep is put up a Murphy bed.

Oh.

Though undeniably neat, the Murphy bed was not a hack,

so I bravely pressed on.

For this shift at this time, this where I'm sleeping.

Next shift comes up, the person who's gonna

relieve me is gonna share the same bed.

How do you get away with that without

doing laundry constantly?

Well, one thing we do is add new sheets.

-Sort of like a tear-away. -Flip it out.

-Clean layer. -Then you got a clean layer.

Okay, that works.

Through the simple act of adding more sheets to their bed,

these wise firefighters had banished laundry

from their chore list.

At last, I had found a hack that all my viewers could use.

It's a great little hack.

My hack hunt at the firehouse

had come to a successful conclusion,

and so I allowed myself to enjoy a well-earned meal

of crock-pot lasagna.

But only for a moment,

for there are always new hacks out there

waiting to be discovered, and I will find them.

Because I am Kevin pereira, hack hunter.

Up next, Brooke fixes her busted makeup

the way she fixes everything...

With alcohol! The rubbin' kind.

Kevin: Hacks to save your cosmetics when we return.

Kevin: On the emotional finale of "nurse hackie"...

Nurse hackie, listen.

What I'm about to show you -- it isn't pretty.

Is that a -- yeah, it's an old band-aid.

I'm just terrified of how much this is gonna hurt

when I go to pull it off.

I need cotton balls and some baby oil.

Here.

We're just gonna dip the cotton ball in the baby oil.

Rub it all over the band-aid to loosen the adhesive.

You ready? -[ Muffled ] I guess!

No! No, no, no.

Oh, the band-aid's gone.

Listen, no one can ever know about this.

If word got out that I let a nurse use a hack on me,

I'd be ruined as a doctor.

So...

You won't mind filling out this prescription for me.

Okay.

Doctor, I think you and I are going to make a great team.

What just happened?

"Nurse hackie" -- ethically questionable, but damn good.

♪♪

Hey, guys! It's me, Brooke.

So, here's the deal, gang.

My cosmetic bag looks like a hot mess right now.

My mascara is all dried out.

My lipstick is broken.

And my compact is so cracked, it looks like the mojave desert.

Well, good thing I've got some tricks to revive this makeup.

Let's start by getting this dried-out mascara moist again.

All you need is a little bit of saline solution.

And you just take 10 drops.

Put it directly into the tube of mascara.

And you can even screw the cap all the way back on

and shake it up like a Martini!

Right?

Who likes drinking in the morning?

I do.

Okay.

Let's see how it looks on the paper.

Ooh, that's awesome!

That's amazing!

Okay, let's move on to our broken lipstick.

I've got a quick fix.

All you need is a lighter and a cotton swab.

Use the lighter to slightly melt what's left of the lipstick.

Why does everything with a lighter look so illegal?

So, this is melted.

Then you simply take the broken piece of lipstick,

and then plunk this right back in like so.

And that is looking good as new, in my opinion.

You can put on your whore makeup, as my dad would say.

Our final problem -- this smashed compact.

Don't worry.

We're gonna solve this problem the way I like

to solve all my problems, with alcohol!

The rubbin' kind.

What we're gonna do is essentially smash it

into even finer bits of powder.

Just be sure to wrap the compact in plastic

before you Joe pesci it up and go crazy with a hammer.

And just get in there!

And just smashing, you stupid powder!

Just get --

okay! So, it's, um...

Been pulverized.

So what we're gonna do next

is just take a little bit of rubbing alcohol

and gently pour it into the compact.

You're gonna want to turn your powder into wet Clay.

And we're just gonna set aside the compact.

And once the rubbing alcohol has evaporated,

you will have good-as-new pressed powder.

And look.

We did one in advance so I can show you.

Big reveal!

"What?! Oh, my god!

It's powder! It's not broken anymore!"

So, you guys, we have three hacks

that basically gave your makeup bag a makeover.

And with all that money you just saved,

go fix yourself up, girl.

Now [clicks tongue] get on out of here.

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