Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately.

Hack at your own risk, hackers.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Hack: Cassie, it's Liza and hack Morris.

We're coming in.

Hey, guys! What are you doing here?

You were supposed to meet us after school for pizza?

Oh, I guess I got so wrapped up in hacking

that I lost track of time!

But, check it out.

I hacked these votive candles

by melting crayons in the microwave.

And I organized all the wires on my desk with binder clips.

And I even glued this pencil sharpener

to an old breath mints container

to prevent all the shavings from falling out everywhere.

Try my hack, Liza! Try it.

Try it! Try it!

Cassie.

You're acting really weird.

She's probably just hungry.

Good thing we brought this pizza.

I love pizza!

Let me hack us some plates.

The restaurant already gave us plates.

Well, maybe I want to hack it, okay?!

[ Chuckles ]

You can break the top of the box down into four plates.

Yeah.

And then, you can fold the bottom half into a to-go box

for the leftovers!

Can we sit down and eat now?

I can't!

There's something I have to do...

In the closet, alone, just for a minute.

Nothing to worry about.

[ Laughs ]

I'm starting to worry about Cassie.

Yeah, me too.

I think she's addicted...

To hacks.

[ Audience gasps ]

♪♪

Brooke: Tonight on "hack my life"...

-Marco? -Polo.

Can a hot tub hack cook dinner?

Brooke: How bad can it be?

Kevin: Brooke transforms yesterday's breakfast

into tonight's dessert.

The word "brulée" is French for

"burn that mother down."

And Kevin hopes the second time's a charm

for an old tanning hack.

Kevin: Plus, is this self-heating butter knife a smooth move?

-Pop some bottles to celebrate. -Oh!

There's not enough time for all of the hacks!

Kevin: This is "hack my life."

Make way, k.P.'S coming through!

And he brought some snacks.

Oh, yeah, snack time!

-Here you go, my lady. -Oh, my god, kev!

-What? -This is raw fish.

I thought this was snack time.

Brooke, relax.

You're basically lounging in a giant sous-vide,

so in time flat, that's gonna turn this

into a delicious three-course meal.

[ Whispering ] It's a "hack or wack."

[ Bad French accent ] Ho, ho, ho, welcome to ché Kevin.

[ Normal voice ] I can't do an accent.

I can't do that, but I can get you anything else.

What do you want, Brooke? -A hepatitis vaccine?

Oh, that's not on the menu.

What is on the menu is a three-course meal

cooked using nothing but a hot tub.

The trick is to treat the hot tub

like it's a giant sous-vide.

Now, sous-vide is kind of like poaching.

First, you wanna vacuum-seal your food.

That will lock in the freshness, but it will also stop the food

from spilling out into the spa and making a mess.

The really cool thing about sous-vide is you can't

overcook your food.

It just kind of hits that temperature, and it's done.

And since a hot tub stays at whatever temperature you set,

this should work great.

Tonight, we are making a shrimp cocktail appetizer,

tilapia, a vegetable medley,

and we're going to finish strong with a peach cobbler.

-Dinner is... -Whoo!

-...almost served. -Whoa!

We just gotta do a temperature check.

104 degrees.

-That sounds good. -Yeah, it's great.

It's gonna cook this food in about four hours.

What are we gonna do for four hours?

I got friends coming.

Time's gonna fly by.

Hey, just in time!

Come on in. Water's warm.

Okay, who wants to be in charge of shrimp?

We got some aspara-goos.

[ Laughs ]

-Who are these people? -They're some fellow friends.

♪♪

This food that's floating around in the water --

is that what we're eating tonight?

Yeah.

-Whoo! -Move over.

-Marco? -Polo.

-Swap in. -Okay.

Marco?

Man: Polo.

You know, this is a true story.

I wanted to know if my parents knew where I was conceived.

This is my mother telling me this --

like, an hourly-rate motel.

Oh, they had beds in case you got tired from the hot tub!

-Eww. [ Laughter ]

-That's great. -Oh, okay.

-Oh, god. -Oh, time is up.

Let's get this going.

Oh! -Oh, look at that.

Oh, very nice.

Well, it looks pink enough to me.

I don't know. It's looking really good.

How bad can it be?

Oh! This shrimp is good.

-It's got a good texture. -It's actually not bad.

-It's a little al dente. -Yeah.

-It is great. -Yeah, I'm liking it.

There's some spa water on this fork, but that's fine.

Excuse me one moment.

We have not tried the tilapia.

It's got a good texture. -Not bad.

I say we go around and ask everyone

if you think this is hack or wack.

Definitely hack.

-Hack or wack? -I'm a wack.

Any particular reason?

The whole thing kind of just disgusted me.

Borderline, but hack.

-Okay! -Wow.

-Two hacks, one wack. -Yeah, versus one wack.

Okay, well, I actually...

Thought the food was all really good.

I would hack it.

Check the scoreboard, Brooke.

What is it?

I think it's a hack.

Well, there you have it, friends. The people have spoken.

Cooking food in a hot tub is, in fact, a hack.

Who left room for dessert?

Oh, peach cobbler.

♪♪

Making oatmeal for breakfast is super easy.

Making dessert out of your leftover oatmeal, also easy.

Make some oatmeal-banana brulée.

Der!

All you need to get started is some leftover, mushy oatmeal,

some bananas, a little bit of --

well, let's be honest, this is a diabetic amount of sugar --

and a blowtorch, which if you're a fan of this show,

you definitely have one or you've illegally hacked one.

Way to go.

So, your first step is you're gonna want to transfer

your leftover oatmeal

into a microwave-safe bowl.

Nothing fancy.

Wow.

Nope.

Whoa. That was easy.

Oh, god.

Just need a second.

Okay, there might be a little too much oatmeal in here.

And then, you're just gonna pop it in the microwave for,

I don't know, 20 seconds.

Who cares? It's a microwave.

You really can't mess it up.

Oh, boy.

So, we got our warm, jiggly oatmeal.

And I've got a mind-blowing hack.

Take a banana that's been peeled.

Place it face down on a cooling rack

and just slice it like so.

Look at that.

[ Tape rewinding ]

[ Thud ]

[ Distorted ] Look at that.

Who's a banana ninja?

We're gonna take our banana slices

and arrange them on top.

All right.

Ooh, this is a beautiful little design.

I'm gonna put a little bit of sugar on my nanners

so that it will caramelize really nicely.

Now, the fun part.

I cannot believe they're letting me touch this,

especially with what happened last season.

Okay.

You want to be about six inches from your bananas

so that it gets nice and crackly and brown.

And if you guys didn't know,

the word "brulée" is French for

"burn that mother down."

Whoop, oh, okay.

Calm down.

Let's add some ice cream!

Top it with a little bit of cinnamon.

Okay, I never said I was a pastry chef,

but let's see what's going on here.

♪♪

This is legitimate.

Go forth into the world and make banana oatmeal brulée.

You deserve it.

Coming up, can black tea turn you into a golden god?

Just guys being guys.

Kevin: Plus, it's the dark side of hacking.

We'll show you how not to get had.

Brooke: Proceed with caution,

when we return.

♪♪

Liza, I think Cassie might be addicted to hacks.

You're being so dramatic!

Am I?

It's just a tissue box.

It's two tissue boxes

wrapped with a rubber band,

one empty and one full box

so she always has a place to put her used tissues!

-Well, that's just smart. -Fine.

If you don't believe me,

write "hack Morris is an idiot"

with this pen on my arm.

Gladly.

"Hack Morris is..."

Wait a second.

This pen is red, but it's writing in blue!

It's a hack so no one will steal your pen.

You put a blue cartridge inside the red pen.

Nobody steals red pens!

Oh, no. Cassie is a hack addict!

And we left her all alone in the closet!

Come on.

Cassie?

You can open the door now.

Cassie, open the door!

Oh, no. What if we're too late?

Kevin: It's take two for failed hacks.

This is re-hack.

Hello, friends, and welcome to re-hack,

where failed hacks from seasons past

get a chance to redeem themselves.

By far, one of the sloppiest hacks

we've ever attempted on the show

was when we tried to make self Tanner

out of cocoa powder and moisturizer.

It was an absolute train wreck,

and one that I'm not looking forward to reliving right now.

Maybe we go the ratio of moisturizer

to cocoa powder wrong.

Or, maybe it just doesn't work at all.

I still believe it's absolutely possible

to hack yourself into a tan, golden god.

Which is why I am joined by our new pale Guinea pig, Duncan!

What's up, Duncan? -What's up, man?

How are you? I'm good.

All right, Duncan.

For this re-hack, we're gonna make a spray-on Tanner

out of black tea.

All right.

First and foremost, you wanna take

five black tea bags,

jam it into a pot with two cups of water,

and boil that sucker for about 15 minutes.

And you wanna wait until the water cools.

And then, just spray away.

♪♪

-Does it taste like tea? -It's black tea.

The black tea has stuff inside of it called tannic acid.

Okay. And that's what gives the tea it's color.

That's what might actually be dying your skin temporarily.

Oh, really?

It takes about 15 minutes to set in.

I'd say that's a good coat.

Why don't we give it 15 minutes, let it dry,

see what it looks like? -All right.

[ Womp, womp ]

All right, Duncan. It's been 15 minutes now.

Not a drastic difference.

Might be easier to just go into the sun.

Yeah, pretty much.

So, I'm gonna say that this re-hack was an epic fail.

[ Buzzer ]

Well, folks, it's not black magic.

No, it's black tea.

Here's to keeping tea off your body and in your glass.

♪♪

All right, that's really warm.

Brooke: She's cunning, she's calculating,

and she's using unscrupulous hacks

to get the better of every Tom,

dick, and Harry in her path.

Beware the cold-blooded hacker.

Meet dick, a wealthy widower who's just lost his wife,

but inherited her fortune --

a fortune the cold-blooded hacker

was determined to get her hands on

by using morally questionable hacks

to gain innocent people's trust.

First, she'd use a hack to crash the funeral.

Scanning the program for the family name

would make her seem like an insider.

Man: [ Whispering ] Qualia.

I was so sad to hear about Mrs. Qualia's death.

Right this way.

She was in like sin.

Cold-blooded.

Now she'd need to appear sympathetic.

Her next hack --

slap a prewritten card onto the flowers

that were already there...

So she could claim them as her own thoughtful gift.

Cold-blooded.

Just when she thought she was on easy street,

someone appeared to be on to her.

♪♪

Time to up the ante with her next hack.

To look grief stricken,

she dabbed mentholated cream under her eyes

to get the fake tears flowing.

Cold-blooded.

She was ready to go in for the kill and get her hands

on dick's large...

Bank account.

But she'd been rattled.

She had a case of clammy hands,

which could expose her as nervous.

Of course, she had a hack for that.

She lifted some lemons.

Their acidity closes pores and prevents sweating.

Cold-blooded.

Now, to get those cold, dry hands on dick and his fortune.

Oh, poor dick was duped.

So, fellas, beware of the cold-blooded hacker,

and don't become her next dick.

Kevin: Up next, we put a self-heating

butter knife to the test.

The bad boy of butter knives.

[ Laughing ] Yes!

Brooke: And later,

what's the best hack for cracking brewskies?

This is exactly how I imagined bachelorette parties to go.

♪♪

Cassie!

Quit hacking and talk to us!

Oh, hey, guys.

I was just, um, reading in there.

You're not gonna lie to us, okay?

What is this? -Scarves.

Scarves with shower rings, on a hanger!

You're trying to create a new hack to organize your scarves!

Well, maybe I was hacking, okay?

But that's only because I have so many things left to hack!

There's not enough time!

There's not enough time for all of the hacks!

Listen to yourself, Cassie!

You sound like a total hack addict!

I am not addicted.

I'm just...

Inspired!

♪ I'm so inspired ♪

♪ I'm so inspired ♪

I'm so...

Scared. [ Crying ]

It's okay.

I'm here.

It's okay.

-Ah! -Look, do me a favor.

Smell these flowers.

[ Gasps ] I feel better already.

It's because this bouquet has lavender in it,

which is supposed to soothe nerves and reduce anxiety.

Did you just hack away my addiction to hacks?

Yeah, basically.

For now, though, let's just have some pizza.

And who knows?

Maybe next week,

it'll be like none of this ever happened.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

No meal is complete without some bread and butter.

Except... -Okay.

...it can be a real proverbial nightmare.

You're bending the knife.

The butter's cold, and just destroying the bread.

Yuk. -Okay.

Yuk!

Which is why we've ordered something

that might help you smooth things out

in today's hack delivery.

[ Doorbell rings ]

In hack delivery, we scour the Internet

looking for pre-made hacks that you can buy today.

Indeed. And, we know that every product is not a winner.

So we're putting these things to the test

so you don't have to. Okay.

Let's see -- packing peanuts, packing peanuts,

packing peanuts. Found it.

It's spreadthat,

a self-heating butter knife.

Now, this knife claims to spread butter faster

and with less tearing than a regular knife.

Spreadthat ii softens butter for easier

spreading by carrying warmth from the palm of your hand

to the edge of the blade.

It's like a heat conductor for butter.

Only two steps here -- shred off fine curls and spread it on.

Whole lot of claims there, Brooke.

Oh, my. [ Chuckles ]

It's so gonna work.

I have nothing but confidence.

Now, I have the power of the spreadthat.

I'm just gonna go to a regular old knife as a control...

-Okay, that sounds good. -...Against spreadthat ii,

the bad boy of butter knives.

[ Laughing ] Yes!

Mama did not teach you

how to wield this hot fire.

Okay.

Oh! Hey, that's kind of satisfying.

Look at that.

And I butter.

Whoa!

Ooh! All right.

This is working.

The regular knife does pretty much the same thing.

It really bugs my ocd,

'cause I like to do butter-pat slices,

but it might just be the shaving of the butter is the hack.

All right, let's switch. Let's switch.

Okay.

I feel like you're toast, or your bread,

was pretty evenly buttered.

All right. Okay, I get it.

It's like little butter worms.

But I just do wanna note

that no heat whatsoever

is being transferred into the handle of this knife.

You don't feel like it's warmer? It's freezing.

Maybe they meant you hold it up here

before you then dip into the pat of butter.

I could also just warm up the edge of this

and just squat on it for a few minutes,

and I guarantee they're gonna be the exact same temperature.

Works with plastic, as well.

Okay, can we call it? -I think so.

Let's go through the checklist here

and see if the spreadthat ii

lives up to it's lofty claims.

Did it curl up and soften butter easily, Brooke?

Well, it did. That is true.

Did the regular butter knife do that as well?

-Yes, it did. -Okay.

Did it utilize your body heat to help spread the butter?

No, it did not.

Brooke, I don't wanna be presumptuous,

but I am going to pick up and hold this box

while I ask you, what should we do

with the spreadthat ii?

Send it back.

[ Tires screech, truck beeping ]

[ Cat yowls ]

♪♪

Keep up your heels, hackers.

It's time for a pop quiz.

Heel, toe. Heel, toe.

Buffalo, buffalo.

Shoes getting all swampy after a long routine?

[ Sniffs ]

Damn.

My taps were bringing the noise...

And bringing the funk.

Fortunately, I've got a hack

to cover up that fetid foot odor.

Let's play pop quiz.

[ Squeals ] Yes, please!

Let's get on the good foot asap.

To get your shoes smelling fresh again,

should you, "a,"

put kitty litter in a sock

and let it sit overnight;

"b," fill your shoes with moth balls

and seal them in a sandwich bag;

or "c," leave them out in direct sunlight

for an hour?

I'm gonna go with "c," leave them in the sun.

[ Buzzer ]

Girl, no.

The answer is "a," kitty litter.

The kitty litter will absorb any extra foot sweat

and leave your tap smelling neutral by morning.

Thanks, pop quiz lady.

Oh, hey, uh, I got an extra pair of taps

if you want to duet.

Uh, no, thanks.

I don't come out of this bubble unless it's to get drunk.

See you next time.

Brooke: Coming up, does this bride-to-be

have what it takes to hack open beer bottles?

And this is before the alcohol.

Pop a cold one when we return.

What's up, hack-heads, and welcome to another UN-boxing.

I'm Terrell.

And if you are unfamiliar with what I do here,

I take hacks out of boxes and...

That's actually all there is to it.

Today, we're UN-boxing a pair of hacked chopsticks.

Now, look at the first thing I see when I open this box,

so I know this is professional -- instructions!

Look at this.

It's very soft and bouncy.

That means there's something expensive under here.

And that is not jewelry. Okay.

Step one says, "identify the objects."

So, I have an ordinary clothespin and chopsticks.

Step two -- "disassemble my clothes pin."

Be delicate. Just twist it off there.

There we go. Can we see that? I have my spring.

Step three -- "insert chopsticks into the spring."

Let's see here.

I'm just gonna slide this in this way.

Is this how it's supposed to go?

Um, uh...

Step 3 is always the one that gets on my nerves.

Oh! Oh!

Look at that. Look at that!

I am using chopsticks.

I do not feel intimidated.

Where are my noodles?

Let's see if these work.

This is a hack that you must try.

Thank you so much for watching.

Don't forget to like,

comment, subscribe, and hack.

Peace!

So, it's your last night of freedom before you tie the knot,

and all you wanna do is tie one on

with the girls. I get it.

The problem is, someone's made like a runaway bride

and split with the bottle opener.

But fear not, ladies.

We're testing some hacks

that can pop the top off a cold one.

This is hack vs. Hack.

Welcome, everybody, to the first-ever "hack my life"

bachelorette bottle bonanza!

[ Cheering ]

Whoo! Yes!

And this is before the alcohol.

Today, Ashley, Nicole, and ina will be competing to see

who can crack open cold ones

the fastest without a bottle opener.

Have you ever been in this position before?

Yeah, I have a very tried-and-true method

of handing it to my fiancé

and asking him to take care of it.

-Is that how you knew he was the one? -Yes, yes.

-'Cause he was an enabler? -Exactly.

Let's go ahead and get this competition on the road.

You're first hack -- the tube of lip gloss.

You're gonna place it under the bottle cap.

The lip gloss' sturdy, hand-held shape

should allow you to use your thumb as leverage and...

[Pop] Pop it right open.

You're second hack -- it's another beer bottle.

You'll turn the bottle upside down,

place the lip of the cap beneath this bottle here...

And pop it open.

Finally, the high heel.

Place the point of the heel beneath the cap,

pull down on the toe,

and that should pop the cap right off.

Well, Nicole, since it's your special night,

you get to decide who is using what.

What hack would you like ina to use?

I would love ina to try the bottle.

Ashley, why don't you slide that on down?

And for Ashley?

Girl.

Pink's always been my color.

-Yeah, yeah. -[ Laughs ]

And I'm gonna try this bad boy out.

So, here's how this is gonna work.

You're each gonna have your own six-pack.

Whoever can pop the tops off of each bottle first

will be the winner.

All right, ladies, remember -- first to open

all six bottles wins.

Three, two, one.

Hack!

I heard the pressure come out.

Oh! Oh, ho ho!

Who's getting married?

-It's a boy! -It's me!

Okay.

Oh!

Caps are flying around everywhere,

and the heel is proving very effective.

Oh! Oh, did I hurt you?

-That's fine! -You got this.

-You got this, girls. -Yes.

This is exactly how I imagined bachelorette parties to go.

Ashley's got three bottles down.

She's working on her fourth.

The stiletto might be running out of steam.

Okay, yes!

Ina's -- ina's got her first bottle down.

Nicole, come on. You got this.

You got this, girl. This is the last bottle.

This is for the win right here. -No!

Ashley could catch up.

She's on her fifth bottle.

Oh, my god! Come on.

Okay! Ashley's on her last bottle!

-No! -It's a dead heat!

[ Distorted ] Don't you dare. This is my wedding!

♪♪

[ Pop! ]

Oh, and it looks like it's open!

There it is! -No!

-Oh, ho ho. -Sorry.

Ashley and the lip gloss tube are the winner.

All right, let's walk through there.

You had a commanding lead.

They were really, like, satisfying pops, too.

And then, it would fizz.

-How's the shoe? -It's a little torn up.

Ina, the bottle-on- bottle action --

what happened?

It's a very masculine, macho thing to do.

-Mm-hmm. -And maybe I was too scared.

Don't throw all women under the bus with that.

[ Laughter ]

Ashley, my dear, it was very, very close.

You must've been sweating it for a second.

I heard her pop for, like...[Whoosh]

She didn't hear me coming in, 'cause I was like...

And I was just like... [ Laughter ]

In a pinch, my friends, reach for a tube of lip gloss

because that is the clear winner of this hack vs. Hack.

[ Bell dings ]

So, we're not gonna waste these, right?

-Nope. -Are these real?

[ Sniffs ] Yes, they are.

Let's drink...A lot.

[ Laughter ]

Ahh.

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