Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately!

[ Screams ]

R. Hack"...

Looks like quite the burn.

It really hurts, Dr. Hack.

But some aloe Vera should do the trick.

Not so fast, Dr. Hack.

Who are you?

And what are you doing in my er?

I think you meanmy

I'm the new c.E.O. Of hack memorial hospital.

And my first order of business

was slashing the aloe Vera budget.

You fool!

Can't you see this man is in pain?

Quick. Give me that burrito.

What are you going to do? Have him eat his feelings?

[ Laughs ]

By placing aluminum-foil wrapper around the burn,

I can conduct heat away from the body and into the air.

Looks like you are as good as they say.

I guess I'll have to keep my eye on you.

Only if I get to keepmy

on you.

[ Gasps ]

Is it just me, or did it get hotter in here?

It's you.

Narrator: "Dr. Hack" -- if you can't stand the heat,

get out of the hospital.

-Tonight... -Oh-ho!

...on "hack my life"... Whoo.

Kevin: B.v.p.'s got a sandwich hack

that'll make peanut-butter lovers go nuts.

[Bleep] It's crazy!

Kevin: Plus, we show you how to win father of the year

without doing any work.

Brooke: And a hack master finally gives Kevin

the ass-kicking he deserves.

-Oh [bleep] -Get ready to run...

...jump... -[ Grunts ]

...and shimmy. -They're so tight.

Oh [bleep]

Brooke: "Hack my life" starts now.

Mm. Interesting.

Where were you on the night of September 7th?

I'm pretty sure I was with you.

Lies!

All lies! [ Sighs ]

We're all familiar with the intimidating lie-detector test.

But can this supposedly infallible system be gamed?

I don't know, Van poppelen, can they?

Get the light out of my face.

Sorry. Right now.

This is gaming the system.

Lie-detector tests have been used

to ferret out criminal activity since 1921.

The machines work by measuring your body vitals

that respond to stress.

Today, Kevin and I are going to take a real lie-detector test.

We'll each be using a hack while we're being questioned,

that should help mask our true stress levels.

The goal, of course, is to beat the polygraph machine

and get away with the crime of the century.

Earlier today, Brooke and I risked

life and limb to pull of a death-defying heist.

We stole our boss's lunch from the fridge.

Long story short, it's in our best interest

to beat this polygraph test.

Yeah, otherwise we're in serious trouble.

To fool this machine, I'm gonna try to make the responses

to the control questions, my "truths,"

look exactly the same as my lies.

And to do that, I'm going to use

the age-old method known as the Booty clench.

I'm going to be tightening up my downstairs

every time I tell the truth.

Now, that should throw off the machine's accuracy.

All right, for my hack, I'm going to take a thumbtack,

place it point-side up in my shoe.

Every time I tell the truth,

I'm going to step down on the tack,

which will elicit a pain response,

which should have the same reading as when I lie.

Ow.

Kevin: We'll be asked a series of yes-or-no questions

by polygraph examiner Dan ribacoff.

And the test has now begun.

Are you currently in the seated position?

Yes.

Are you in the seated position?

Yes.

Is your first name Kevin? Yes.

Is your first name Brooke?

Yeah.

Do you know for sure who took your boss's lunch?

No. Do you know for sure

who took your boss's lunch?

No.

Did you take your boss's lunch?

No.

Do you know the whereabouts of your boss's lunch?

No.

Did you answer all of the questions

on this test truthfully?

I mean, it's easy to tell the truth

when it wasn't your idea.

Did you answer all of the questions

on this test truthfully?

Yes.

And my [bleep] is exhausted.

All right, kev. I don't know about you,

but I think I crushed it.

I can tell you're lying right now.

Dan, what happened?

Well, Kevin, for your test...

There's deception indicated.

You failed your polygraph test.

Damn it.

Brooke, for your test...

You failed.

Oh-ho!

Your hacks were extremely obvious.

And in a polygraph,

we would call that intentional distortion.

Damn it. In this case,

what you're seeing is that I'm purposefully misleading you.

Right.

Did it read as though

I was stepping on a tack?

Because that hurt. It did.

Every time you caused yourself pain,

you had a significant reaction.

Which I know is not a natural reaction.

Okay. So, I think it's clear

from the results of these two polygraph tests --

you're both guilty.

Get my lawyer on the phone.

Yeah.

[ Crash! ]

Peanut butter and jelly.

The most classic couple in culinary history.

But peanut butter pairs well

with a ton of other fillings.

Today, I've got a hack for making nine different

peanut-butter sandwiches at the same time.

It's like a nine way in your mouth.

[ Whistles ]

All right. So, let's start with our first ingredient.

Which is classic smooth peanut butter.

And I'm going to make a strip vertically

on 1/3 portion of the bread.

Next, some hazelnut spread.

And we'll do some crunchy peanut butter...

-Ooh! -...For a different texture.

Are you smooth or crunchy?

I really think it says a lot about your personality.

[ Laughter ] This is really coming together.

I'll start in with the strawberry jelly.

Whoo!

Now we've got marshmallow fluff.

All the moms watching out here,

do not send your child to school with this sandwich.

[ Laughter ] You're just opening

some portal of hell.

Last but not least, honey. -Ooh!

By keeping one side of your ingredients vertical

and the other horizontal, when you push the bread together,

even though it's six ingredients,

it's going to create nine different flavor combinations.

[ Applause ] [Bleep] It's crazy!

Ooh. This is so exciting.

And look, it's like a classy little peanut-butter appetizer.

Oh, my god. Wedding idea.

Passed apps.

There you have it. Ta-da!

It's a peanut-butter party.

[ Audience ahhs ]

Oh. That's my jam.

And my honey.

[ Laughter ]

And my marshmallow spread.

And my... You get it.

I'm going to keep eating.

-Ugh. -Up next, we've got

parenting tricks to bring up baby, the hacktastics way.

-Hello. -And...

[Bleep] Damn!

...a martial-arts master shows Kevin

how to turn anything into a lethal weapon.

When the the hack bites back.

Narrator: Next time, on a heart-pounding "Dr. Hack"...

[ Thud ]

[ Gasps ] The elevator's stuck.

Yeah, this place has gone to hell

since the new c.E.O.'S budget cuts.

Somebody help!

Don't worry. I'm sure we can find some way to pass the time.

[ Romantic music plays ] I'm claustrophobic!

And i'm nine-months pregnant!

Oh, my god! You're right!

Let us out of here!

Quick. Put your thumb in your mouth and blow.

Are you sure you're a doctor?

There's no time, woman! Just do it!

Okay!

As you blow, pressure builds in your abdomen,

which stimulates the vagus nerve and lowers your heart rate.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm much calmer now, Dr. Hack.

But my heart is still racing...

For you.

Mm.

Oh, I felt a kick!

[ Both laugh ]

Narrator: Stay tuned to see what else kicks,

on the next "Dr. Hack."

So, you're going for a stroll through the park,

minding your own business, then suddenly --

oh! It's a mugger!

[ Laughs ] Oh, god! Yes!

Wham-oh!

Oh. That's Jeff Christian.

He's a martial-arts expert.

He's going to teach us how to hack our self-defense.

This is hack masters.

So, Jeff, uh, I looked at your business card earlier.

It says, "professional ass-whooper."

How do you get that title?

Well, I've been doing martial arts for a long time --

since 1973.

I've been teaching martial arts in New York City

since '94.

That's a lot of board breaking.

It's a lot of throwing people around, which is a lot of fun.

Okay. So, here's the thing, you're looking at me,

and I'm not a big man.

So how can I possibly defend myself?

Well, fortunately, size is not the issue.

I do a style called bujinkan budo taijutsu.

It's a Japanese style.

One of the most effective weapons is the ones

that your opponents don't know that you have.

As you walk through your life, you can look around you

and see different objects that are absolutely, 100%

useable as weapons.

What do you have in your pockets?

I have, uh, I have my life savings, which is nothing.

And I've got a smartphone.

Well, the cell phone is actually one of the most popular hacks

that people unknowingly carry about with them,

because they have it all the time.

So, if I'm here, I'm holding this like I normally would.

And then you'd come up, right, at this point.

Different striking points -- collar bone.

You can hit right one the head.

Right on the back of the hand.

Very small bones back there.

Ooh! Collar bone.

Yep! Okay -- oh [bleep] Jeff. Head. Right?

Okay, can confirm -- [Bleep] Damn!

[Bleep]

Although those things are very, very painful,

that actually hurt!

That's very light contact.

So you can imagine if you actually really

hit somebody with that.

What if I don't have my cell phone?

Well, maybe it's raining out.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Got it.

All right. So, what are you gonna

do a poppins and just fly away and avoid the assailant?

In a perfect world, yes. But otherwise,

it can be that you just use this to block off people.

You can actually hit people.

And the other thing is this hooking action here.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's also another thing.

Or this hooking action. [Bleep] Jeff!

[Bleep]

I reach into my pocket. I've got a fistful of coins.

All right. Well, there's a couple of different things

that we can do with this, right?

But the easiest thing to do -- if you say,

"hey, give me your money," and I reach into my pocket

and I pull out the coins, and I throw it at your face.

Oh.

So, a fistful of change hitting you in the eyes

is enough to be able to give me enough time, again, to get away.

Book it down the street. I'm saying to you -- ah!

Yep!

Jeff, thank you so much for sharing your techniques.

My pleasure. You're a true hack master.

My pleasure, man. Appreciate it.

Good luck. Oh. Uh, uh. Sir!

Aaah!

Oh, sh-- okay!

Okay! [Bleep] Do something, Jeff!

Kevin: Sometimes even extraordinary couples face ordinary problems,

couples like Helen and Humphrey and their brand-new baby.

Raising a child isn't easy.

But these two are determined to pass on

their hacking knowledge to the next generation

because they are the hacktastics!

After a trip to the store,

Helen returns home with her little bundle of joy

and dozens of grocery bags.

-Oh. -To juggle heavy load,

this power mom reaches for a diaper!

By wrapping it around her elbow,

Helen hacks herself a hands-free carrying cushion.

Nothing crappy about that, mom.

Speaking of diapers,

smells like a change is in order.

But somebody forgot to buy baby wipes.

-Oh [bleep] -Don't worry, mom.

Dad's on it.

He slices a roll of paper towels in two

and places half inside a plastic tub.

Then he pours in a soapy solution of baby shampoo

and water, removes the cardboard core,

and presto change-o -- hacked baby wipes!

Too bad there's no hacking your way out of changing duty.

An empty diaper means an empty belly.

And judging by the tears, little Henry is h-angry.

But feeding baby and putting all those groceries away

is going to call for a serious balancing act.

That's why Humphrey reaches for some ribbon!

By tying one end of the ribbon around Henry's bottle

and the other the handle of his baby carrier,

Humphrey hacks it so that his boy

can hit the bottle himself.

Bottoms up.

After snack time comes nap time.

But these tired parents will need some help

getting little Henry to sleep.

Fortunately Humphrey's got just the tools --

ribbon and a power drill.

He double-wraps the ribbon around an Allen wrench

to avoid tangling, attaches it to the rocker,

and tapes the drill into the on position.

Now little Henry can keep rockin' all night long.

With parental supervision, of course.

Way to go, mom and dad!

You two now have the evening to do whatever you like.

[ Snores ]

Including that!

Sleep well, hacktastics!

Close your laptop and throw your smartphone down a well.

Brooke: We're bringing the Internet's craziest hackers to your TV.

It's worldwide hacks.

The Internet is full of gifs, memes, and porn.

But if you dig deep enough, you can find the good stuff.

We're talking about hacks, of course.

Like this one, which promises to revolutionize

the way you pick up poop.

The poovak is a pooper-scooper vacuum

that makes picking up your dog's waste easier,

cleaner, and more dignified.

The poovak's patent-pending design takes advantage

of the suction power of a leaf blower,

to vacuum up pet waste.

The engineering brains behind the poovak

is Jerry robichaux from tuscan, Arizona.

All right, Jerry, now, as much as we love our pets...

Who's mama's favorite girl?

Her name is winnie. Hello, winnie.

...scooping poop can be a huge chore.

And my dad just uses, like, an old-fashioned shovel

and goes around the backyard,

and he throws it in the neighbors' yard.

Okay. Well, he's a terrible human being.

But, Jerry, how did you hack this product together?

About four years ago,

I was having trouble, uh, maintaining the yard

'cause we had just adopted a second dog.

I created this to help us, uh, take care of the yard.

I started with a shop-vac,

with a stick attached to a hose,

and I tried to collect -- you know, it was on the ground,

and it kept getting stuck in the hose.

And then I ended up throwing it away after I tried this.

-[ Laughs ] -I'm glad. I'm glad you did.

And I said, "well, I need a nozzle as short as can be."

You just put a leaf blower on top.

You've got your handle built-in.

And all you have to do is just momentarily pitch the unit

to pick up whatever's there.

I have a question.

Is there a switch that reverses the air flow

if you'd like to shoot [bleep] at people.

I'm thinking about the holidays coming up

and what to get my dad.

We want to avoid that. [ Laughs ]

Jerry, I want to put this thing to the test.

I've got a veritable pupu platter here.

So, we've got chocolate-covered almonds, doughnut holes,

and a brownie.

Delicious.

Let's vacuum some [bleep]

[ Vacuum whirrs ] Feel the power of this.

Scoop it along in. Get in there.

Can I make a suggestion?

Oh, yes. By all means.

I think your nozzle's upside down.

-Oh. -Oh.

It's working, Jerry!

I'm going to fire this thing up

to the high setting and tackle this little pile of hate.

Beautiful.

Oh, little Debbie!

Oh-ho!

Took it like a champ.

Three for three!

Brownie points for your invention.

Jerry, you are a hacking genius.

Thank you so much.

I'm going to clean up the dessert trays now, so...

Oh, okay. I'll see you.

-Up next... -Oh, god.

...hacks to give you a leg up when slipping into skinny jeans.

This might be the closest ever hack vs. Hack.

-Boink. -And find out which of these

wing-eating methods yields the meatiest results.

Oh, it's raining bleu-cheese dressing.

Better stay dry.

Brooke: When "hack my life" returns.

Narrator: On the dramatic conclusion of "Dr. Hack"...

Hack memorial hospital is bleeding money!

I'm shutting it down!

You can't do that!

My father, Dr. Hack sr.,

built this hospital with his own two hands!

And a series of ingenious workarounds.

She's just grumpy 'cause her heartburn is kicking in.

[ Groans ] Too many burritos.

There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time.

Would you like some gum?

Is it my breath?

No. Well...

Not just that.

Chewing gum sends saliva, which is alkaline,

back down your esophagus,

neutralizing acid reflux.

Heartburn receding.

Hmm.

Plus you now have kissably minty breath.

You know, this hospital wouldn't be in financial trouble

if you didn't keep getting sued for sexual harassment, Dr. Hack.

Well, call our lawyer because we're about to have

another law suit on our hands!

[ Tearing ]

[ Moans ]

Narrator: "Dr. Hack" --

curing and causing problems of the heart.

Welcome, everyone, to the first ever

"hack my life" skinny-jeans showdown.

[ Cheering ]

Today, we're joined by three professional models,

who are no strangers to struggle of trying

to put on a pair of skinny, skinny jeans.

-It's real. -Oh, it's real.

Well, ladies, I have some great news for you.

Because today we have some hacks

that might end these skinny-Jean woes forever.

It's hack vs. Hack.

So, as professional models,

does changing quickly ever come into play?

Yeah, definitely. A lot of times.

Ladies, I think it's about time.

Are you ready to see your hacks?

-Yes. -Ready.

Okay. Here we go.

Brooke: First up is Alicia,

who will be using a pair of thigh-high nylons.

The silky fabric should reduce friction.

And you should be able to glide your pants on over them.

Kevin: Next is Audrey, who will be using baby powder.

You want to apply a thin layer of baby powder

all over your legs.

That should absorb any excess moisture,

get those jeans right on.

Brooke: And to establish a control time,

we'll have onyi put her jeans on without the help of a hack.

She'll be using the traditional method

we like to call the skinny-Jean shuffle.

Jump into your jeans.

You do a little shimmy, you suck, and button.

I think I'm a pro at the skinny-Jean shuffle.

-Oh? -Yes.

-Okay, okay. -Okay.

Ladies, are you ready to face your quick-change challenge?

-Yes. -Let's do this.

Yes.

-Well, are you ready to begin? -[ Laughs ] Yes.

In three, two, one.

Race!

-About two seconds. -Jeans off the hanger.

Okay. Now, this part is crucial.

It's the jump...

-Jump. -Jump.

-Oh, is that the shimmy there? -Those are so tight.

This is what we do to ourselves.

-You can get it all in there. -One more!

-Oh. -Okay, it's on.

Oh! All right. All right.

Ooh, these are real skinny jeans.

No one said this was easy.

Looks like we're buttoned up!

-Okay. -And that's time.

That is 59 seconds.

-Oh! -Just shy of a minute.

That looked pretty epic. You're out of breath.

I am so out of breath. [ Laughs ]

But you clocked in at 59 seconds.

Let's see if anybody can beat that.

Alicia's first up with the thigh-high hack.

-Are you ready? -I'm ready.

Hack!

-Okay. All right. -Right now, getting those

thigh-highs on.

So, the point of this is they're a very layer,

which will make your legs smooth.

This is already slowing things down right here.

Yeah.

Both thigh highs are on.

I believe in you. Your magic is real.

Okay, I need to see. You're 40 seconds in.

She likes that.

-Oh, wait! -Those are really skinny jeans.

-They're so skinny. -Very skinny.

Do you feel kind of weird

that we're just watching girls get undressed

and then dress themselves?

Can't believe I haven't had to enter my credit card.

I can see the outline of the thigh high, like,

underneath the jeans.

All right. That is it, Alicia.

Time is up. Hack is done.

Unfortunately it's not fast enough

to beat onyi's control time of 59 seconds.

Next up, Audrey and the baby-powder hack.

59 seconds. That is the time to beat.

Here we go. Three, two, one. Hack!

Okay, we've got a lot of baby powder on the floor.

We've got a bit on the legs.

Okay. Whoa. We're applying more.

We're making so there's a nice thick layer.

This is too, uh, messy. Oh, but they're on!

Oh, but look at how quickly those go on!

They are on! That was lightening fast.

But now -- okay, that's 26 seconds in.

Are we calling it? We're calling it.

Wow. Whoa.

Wow. Whoa.

Baby powder takes it home!

For our winner, we have this.

-Oh. -I'm a Jean --

-oh! -You're a Jean-ius!

So, the next time you need to squeeze into those skinny jeans,

treat your thighs like a crime scene.

Give them a light, powdery dusting,

and you're good to go!

Brooke: Open wide, hackers.

It's time to feed.

Kevin: Up next, we sink our fangs into your hacks

for getting meat off the bone.

Oh, my god!

I fear for your safety right now.

When the hack bites back.

Brooke, what are you doing? That is not how you eat wings.

I'm trying my best, but it's really hard

to get the meat off these tiny, brittle little chicken bones.

Well, you're in luck, because today's all about

maximizing your meat.

This is hack mail.

Today we're testing three hacks

from some very hungry and very wing-savvy viewers.

Whichever hack gets the most meat off the wing bone

will be awarded our coveted...

Together: Hack seal of approval.

Our first hack -- bill in El Paso, Texas.

He writes...

"Meat umbrella" is definitely in the urban dictionary.

[ Sighs ] Just look it up.

Okay. So, you push from one end...

Yeah. I started with the fat end of the bottom.

If you put, like, the pointier end down below,

you don't have as much base to work with.

Right. Down the bone we go.

You know, this is why I grow my fingernails out.

Just... Oh, beautiful.

Oh, it really just slides off.

Look at that beautiful meat umbrella.

Look at it!

Damn. That was actually efficient.

Boink.

Going to dip my chicken flaps.

Dip. Dip. Oh, so good.

Just like mistletoe. Mmm.

Hack number two comes from Lance in Kansas, Missouri.

Hashtag -- #crushedit.

[ Muffled ] It's hard to talk.

Where's my meat?

Okay. So, the idea of the vampire teeth

is that the plastic is so sharp

that if you chomp down on the meat,

it should help separate it from the bone nice and easy.

All right, what Kevin's trying to say is...

Trying? ...When you have

sharp canines,

they are designed to tear meat.

Yeah. It's time to feed.

God.

You look like nosferatu.

It's far enough in your mouth.

I'd take bite.

Uh.

This is a horror movie in and of itself.

Is it working?

No. It's not working.

I fear for your safety right now.

Didn't work.

That is a bull[Bleep] hack.

Oh, my god.

Lance, I don't think you really did this.

I don't think you had vampire teeth in for a Halloween party.

I think you made that up.

I think you did this to hurt us.

You took advantage of our kindness, Lance!

Now, bill's method... Okay.

...the veritable meat umbrella.

I felt like that was the quickest method

of getting the meat off the bone.

Another bonus of the meat umbrella

is a wonderful meat-umbrella handle.

Yeah. A little grip-and-dip.

So, I think there's a clear winner, Brooke.

We've got to give it to bill and his meat umbrella.

You win our...

Together: Hack seal of approval!

If you have an idea for something unappetizing

Kevin and I can put in our mouths,

just go to trutv.Com/hacks.

Or just come find me at any i-5 rest stop

north of the grapevine.

Ask for me by name.

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