Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately!

What I like most about this job

is getting the chance to help someone in their darkest hour.

Same.

And I like to think of us as life-hackers and life-savers.

Man:Attention all units.

We have a request for immediate assistance.

Caller is recently divorced and lonely.

I repeat, very lonely.

We're on it.

[ Sirens wailing, radio chatter ]

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

♪♪

-Hello? -Are they home?

[ Gasps ] Oh, god. We're too late.

Too late. We need an ambulance, stat.

What?

Oh! No, I'm -- I'm fine. Oh!

Sir, you want to tell us what's going on here?

When my wife left, she took everything, even the over racks.

Now how I am supposed to heat up my frozen pizza?

Hey, Jack?

You want to check the coat closet for some wire hangers?

-Already on it. -Beautiful.

All right, sir, I want you to take these hangers

and hang them from the top of your oven.

You're doing great.

Now, you want to go ahead and balance that pizza between them.

Wow. Did -- did I just hack myself an oven rack?

You sure did.

Well, maybe I am good for something after all, Brenda.

♪♪

-Tonight... -Yeah!

Hackers, are you ready? [ Whistle blows ]

Kevin: We hit the ice to test hacks for handling slippery

What the [bleep] -oh!

-Candace Bailey stops by... -Congratulations.

...for a hacksperiment

that could determine the gender of your unborn baby.

Brooke flips her [bleep]

When we game the automated telephone system.

Eat a [bleep] [Bleep] face! Oh!

And we shove strange things into our mouths,

all in the name of hacking.

Get your game face on, hackers.

-Oh, no! -[ Laughs ]

This is "hack my life."

Kevin, what are you doing?

Stop pussy-footing around and get out here!

It's just ice!

Yeah. It's ice! So one wrong move -- boom!

You break your coccyx. Oh, my god.

Your coccyx is going to be fine. Don't talk about my coccyx!

Today, we're testing out

three hacks to prevent a fall on even the slickest of surfaces.

Oh! It's hack vs. Hack.

[ Cheering, bell dings ]

Welcome, everyone, to the "hack my life" frozen face-off!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Today, Jeremy, Ben, and Nate will be competing

to see which hack can keep them the safest and the sturdiest

as they attempt to navigate our icicle course.

Our first hack is grippy socks.

You can pull them over a boot or a shoe

and create extra traction.

Our next hack is sandpaper.

You're gonna want to cut this to be the same shape as your shoe,

secure it with some duct tape,

and this gritty texture should give your shoes some extra grip.

Our third hack -- screws.

Use a screwdriver to sink several half-inch sheet-metal screws

into the sole of your shoe.

The idea is that the screws will dig into the surface of the ice

and give you a more solid base.

Right off the top. Jeremy, what are you thinking?

I think I'm gonna go with the sandpaper.

Ben, what's your hack?

I want the socks. Okay.

Nate, the way our show goes is if you're last in line,

that's the hack you get. -Yeah.

No choices here, so...

Well, I'm actually pretty excited about that,

'cause I can use the screws as more like a blade,

so I may actually be able to skate.

Okay, guys. Let's lace up these hacks!

♪♪

Kevin: All right, gentlemen.

Here is how this frozen face-off is going down.

You'll begin by taking out the trash,

winding your way down the ice to those garbage bins.

Brooke: Then you'll pick your morning coffee and paper

and zigzag your way through our slippery slalom course

and into home.

All right, gentlemen. Helmets on, trash bags up.

Hackers, are you ready?

On the count of 3, 2...

[ Whistle blows ]

-Whoa! -Ah!

Looks like a slight stumble by Nate in his screw shoes

right out of the gate,

but he's making up time and now he's in the lead.

Brooke: Sandpaper close behind.

Grippy socks not really gripping anything at all.

Go, Ben.

Ooh! Oh, he's got his bags in the garbage.

Lots of speed with the screw shoes,

but he's sliding everywhere on the turns.

And look out -- here comes grippy socks.

Oh, but not without slamming into the backboards first.

Sandpaper's really catching up, though.

Lots of great traction with that hack.

And those grippy socks -- still not living up to their name.

Oh, slow! -Dripping!

-Oh! -Down goes screw shoes!

That slippery slalom just took Nate right out.

But he's back up! He's back up!

Oh [bleep]

Coming down the final stretch, it is neck and neck!

It is so close into the final turn,

and Jeremy comes with a slide across the finish,

some spilled coffee.

Nate just behind and that is --

oh, wait. Wait up. Hey, Ben.

Oh, no! [ Bleep ] [ Laughing ] Oh, no!

Everybody okay? Everybody survive?

-I'm great. -Yeah, we're great.

Ben, let's start with you. I crossed the line.

You did make it over the line. Take me through your hack.

It didn't work from the very beginning.

It was frozen on the bottom. They were warm, but...

Brooke: Okay. Right.

For the actual, like, running and stuff, no.

Nate, walk us through the screws on the bottom of your shoe.

So, the top speed was there,

and the acceleration wasn't as great,

but the maneuverability was just the worst.

I felt myself going horizontal.

Just so you know, it was beautiful.

-Thank you. -It was...

Jeremy, with your sandpaper...

The sandpaper got great traction, got great speed,

and great maneuverability.

Super comfortable.

And it's not iced over like Ben's grippy slippers?

No, it's -- ice will build up,

but as you walk, it'll kick it off,

and as long as the sandpaper grit is still there,

I think the traction is pretty spectacular.

Congrats to you, Jeremy, and your sandpaper shoes.

You win the coveted golden snow shovel!

[ Cheering, bell dings ]

♪♪

[ Projector whirring ]

♪♪

Announcer: The adhesive bandage --

protector of wounds, remover of arm hair,

but would you believe these sticky strips

are also a hack from history?

Ancient Egypt. Believing that evil spirits

could enter the body through open wounds,

healers dipped pieces of lint into honey

to hack and easy-sticking bandage.

By the power of sekhmet, I declare you healed.

Sweet!

Flash-forward 900 years to... Ancient Greece!

Hippocrates notices that cuts rinsed out

with alcohol tend to heal faster.

Nurse! Fetch me 50 ccs of ouzo, stat!

So he begins treating wounds

with a sticky compress of wine-soaked fig leaves!

But the antiseptic bandage we know doesn't appear until...

New Jersey! 1920!

Earle dickson, a buyer for a medical supply company

is helping his wife dress a cut on her finger

when suddenly, inspiration strikes!

Don't bleed out! I'll be right back!

Raiding the medicine cabinet,

earle sticks several small gauze squares

onto a roll of medical tape

and cuts into strips.

Weeks later, earle pitches his new creation

to his bosses at Johnson & Johnson...

I call it "the bandage helper."

...who immediately buy it and re-brand it as the band-aid.

Flash-forward to today!

Thanks to earle's savvy hacking,

38% of all wound care products sold in america

are adhesive bandages.

Though they may not repel evil spirits,

they remain a bloody-good hack from history!

Sample, please. Kevin: Skip the doctor's office.

Up next, we see if a little hack science...

Ooh! Ooh, there it is!

...can predict the gender of an unborn baby.

Brooke: Plus... [Bleep] You, Dave.

...find out which hack I swear will help you beat

automated answering systems.

I think that may have been my favorite [bleep] of all time.

When the "hack" comes back.

We now return to "hack 911."

Oh, boy. This guy again.

Hack 911, we're coming in!

Everything okay, sir?

No!

I opened up this bottle of wine,

and I don't have anyone to share it with.

It's gonna go bad, just like my marriage!

Nothing's going bad on our watch.

Just give me the condom out of your wallet, sir.

What? What are you talking about?

You're a middle-aged man who's just gone through a divorce...

There it is.

Buy rolling a condom down the neck of the bottle,

it will allow the wine to breathe while

preventing too much air from getting in.

This will keep your rosé fresh for about a week.

A week, huh? Well, that's enough time

for Brenda to realize her mistake

and come back to me, right?

Sure is. It's, uh...

Have a good one, bud.

"Hack 911" -- to protect & hack.

-Hello? -Sorry, I didn't get that.

Say "yes" or press 1. -Just press 1.

-I'm pressing 1. -Trying saying it.

1, 1, 1, 1, 1! Number 1!

Oh, my god! Hey, hey, hey!

Today, we're gonna teach you how to bypass that dreaded

automated recording because this...

Is gaming the system.

You know when you dial a company's 1-800 number

and you get all those robot voices screaming at you?

They're not there to help you. No, they're there to delay you

so the company can handle more calls.

So today, we're gonna call a customer service number

known for its excruciatingly long wait times.

Yeah. It can take up to six minutes

to get past an automated robot,

so anything less will be considered a hack.

Hack 1 -- secret code.

According to the Internet, you can use the code 00

to bypass most automated phone systems.

All right. Let's finger-blast skynet.

-[ Sighs ] What? -I'm gonna try the code.

I'm an automated system

that can handle complete sentences.

How can I help you today?

Okay, please hold while I transfer you

to the next available specialist! Oh!

Ah! Hey!

0. Pound through it!

Boom!

Time for hack 2, the operator hack.

For this one, all you've got to do is say "operator!"

And that should automatically get you through to a human.

I'm an automated system that can handle complete sentences.

So, tell me. How can I help you today? Operator.

[Keyboard clacking

oh, that's gross. They have fake typing noises?

Please bear with me just a moment.

Please press 1 for technical support,

press 2 for help with a recent order,

and press 3 for sales.

I feel like you're still talking to a machine,

and the whole point of this hack was to talk to a human.

Operator!

Please tell me your reason for calling today.

Operator. [ Keyboard clacking ]

Please bear with me just a moment.

[Instrumental music playing

[ buzzer sounds ]

Should we try hack 3?

We should definitely move on to our final hack.

For this one, we're gonna harness our rage

because many of these machines are designed to sense anger

in your voice.

You shout something naughty,

the machine's gonna get you right to a human.

So, we're gonna swear at some robots?

[Bleep] Yeah!

Let's do this. Let them have it.

Are there any children watching right now,

which is most of our core audience,

put on some earmuffs.

Your call may be recorded for...

[Bleep] You!

Eat a [bleep] [Bleep] face!

So, tell me, how can I help you today?

[Bleep] In your ass. [Bleep] You, bitch!

You [bleep] I can hear your voice,

but it doesn't sound like you're talking to me.

[Bleep] Pissed, you bitch! Okay.

Eat a [bleep] let me transfer you

to the next available specialist.

Boom! [Bleep] Right, you're going to.

Hi, this is David. Can I have your order number, please?

[Bleep] You, Dave!

Oh! Oh!

Okay. When performing the hack,

be careful that the hack stop once you've achieved your goal,

which is speaking to a human being, Brooke.

Oops.

Well, we learned that as annoying

as those automated phone systems can be,

they can be gamed!

Sometimes it's as easy as just punching in a secret code.

Just swear up a storm.

You're [bleep] right, Brooke.

♪♪

Hey, TV friends! This is my real-world friend.

This is Candace, and we worked together,

like, five years ago?

-Yeah. -On "attack of the show!"

You are in fact pregnant.

Clearly. So what if I told you

that there were some fun hacks

that would help you determine the gender of your child

that don't even require you to leave your living room.

Would you believe me? No way.

I wouldn't believe me, either. But this is a hacksperiment.

All grown up now, aren't we?

Yeah! You're still single, though, right?

Okay. Yep. Great catching up.

Let's get into the bit, Candace!

In this bag, I've got three different hacks

that should help us determine the gender of her child.

At the end of our hacksperiment,

Candace will reveal the true gender of her child,

and we'll see how our hacks compare.

You know, my mom actually wanted me

to try some of these weird things

that would tell me if I was having a boy

or a girl, so I'm excited!

Our first hack is a fetal heart rate monitor.

This will show us the heart rate of your unborn child.

140-160 is the heartbeat-per-minute range

that supposedly dictates that you're having a girl.

Below that, you're having a guy.

The logic behind this hack,

which may very well be flawed

is that girls are smaller,

and that includes their hearts,

so their hearts have to pump even faster,

they have to beat more times per minute

to get the blood to circulate. And us boys...

You just have these massive hearts.

Big ol' hearts. They got two of them in a sack!

Oh! Okay.

You hold this. All right.

All right, I've never done it to myself, so, we'll see.

You'll find it. Okay.

[Heart beating

ooh! There it is! You hear it?

There it is! That's the heartbeat!

Oh, looks like it's under 140.

You're having a boy.

I don't know. I'm not telling you.

For our second hack,

I'm gonna need some string and a wedding band.

For what?

Here's how this works. Take our wedding band.

Beautiful. Wow. Oh, thank you.

What's he do? Shut up!

And let the ring dangle from said string. Mm-hmm.

If it goes in a circular motion... Uh-huh.

...around your tum-tum... Mm-hmm.

...that means it's a girl.

-Okay. -If it moves like a pendulum

swinging north and south,

that means it's a boy. Okay.

I'm not gonna move my fingers at all.

Okay.

So that's swinging back and forth.

-Mm-hmm. -That's like a kid

on a swing right now.

See, now it's doing the opposite of what it was just doing.

That's definitely circular.

I mean, if this were an 8-ball,

it would say "outlook uncertain."

That's pendulum-like. I think you're having a wookiee.

[ Laughs ]

Candace, do you want to call this?

-Inconclusive? -Yeah.

This is terrible.

Our final hack is...

The old urine test.

The theory behind this hack is that if you have a boy,

it's gonna raise the acidity level of your urine.

And we're gonna add some baking soda to it,

and if the baking soda begins to fizz...

[ Inhales sharply ]

What is it? ...It's a boy.

Sample, please. There you go.

That's your urine, isn't it? Sure is!

That's what you asked for, isn't it?

I kinda did. Ready to find out if it's a boy?

I'm excited. Here we go.

Oh! Just waiting on that fizz!

There is no fizz, is there?

No, there's totally not any fizz.

That's a girl!

So now I'm confused 'cause we have a boy, an inconclusive,

and a girl! [ Laughs ] -Yeah.

So can we get to the results?

We can!

I'm having...

...a girl! -Ha!

[ Cheering, bell dings ]

Congratulations. Thank you!

Yeah, and congrats to our hack, as well,

because putting some baking soda in urine

will give you the exact same results

that a doctor would. You can have this.

Oh, I'm more interested in this.

[ Laughs ] Gross, though!

Brooke: Coming up, we test your hacks

for shoving corn into our holes.

Kevin: Remember, the Internet's forever.

See which one nearly kills Kevin.

-[ Coughs ] God. -No one should do this.

-This is a prank. -When the "hack" comes back.

We now return to "hack 911."

Man:This is dispatch. Over.

We have a request for immediate assistance

from officers mack and Jack.

Caller says that it is urgent.

Yeah, we're on it.

Oh, come on.

Man, am I glad to see you two.

You know, three calls in one day, sir.

That's a new record for us.

It's just that, ever since Brenda left,

I can't really sleep at night.

Will you cuddle me? -Ugh.

That's against protocol.

Also, it's weird.

Why don't you, uh, lie down diagonally on this cover for me?

Let's go. Very good.

All right, now, I'm going to take this left corner

and tuck it under your right hip.

-Up! -Very good.

Now, this bottom corner up over your feet,

and then hand me that right corner.

We'll tuck that under your left-hand shoulder.

Very good. All right.

Now, you want to try and toss and turn for me now, sir?

-I can't. -Exactly.

Constricting the limbs is a known stress reliever,

and it will help you fall asleep faster.

[ Yawns ] I am getting tired. Fading fast.

I'm not divorced in my dreams. -Mm.

You know, it's moments like this that make this job worthwhile.

[ Snoring ]

"Hack 911" -- to protect & hack.

[Screaming, gunshots

[ whispering ] What'd I miss? Is Leo dead?

[ Sighs ]

You know, maybe if you'd watch the movie

instead of paying attention to your popcorn,

you'd know what was going on.

I don't want to get butter all over my hands. It's gross.

Listen, butterball, it's your lucky day

'cause we've got some hacks

to keep those fingers nice and clean

in today's hack mail.

All right, friends. Here's how this hack mail is going down.

Brooke and I are gonna attempt to eat our way

through these greasy buckets of popcorn

without making a mess of our hands.

The hack that keeps our fingers the cleanest

while delivering the most corn into our holes get our...

Both: Hack seal of approval!

And the nominees are...

Chopsticks. In popcorn.

Yeah! Get it going!

Yeah, that feels comfortable.

You're not getting that butter all over your hands.

You can keep constant contact with that movie screen.

Clean hands. Also, portion control.

I'm eating at a decent pace. It's quiet.

I'm not disturbing anybody. I think it's a good hack.

Hack 2 comes from Todd in bath, Ohio.

He says...

Okay, Todd. Game on.

Yeah, I think mouth outside the tube is the way... No. [ Laughs ]

I think that's the only way it's going down, Brooke.

I know we're trying to avoid it,

but I feel like that's what's happening here.

Remember, the Internet's forever.

I want each breath to be my last.

Oh!

[ Coughs ]

God. Okay.

Yep. No one should do this.

Stay away from this.

Our last hack comes from Miguel in Charlotte, north Carolina.

Miguel knows us so well.

Here we go.

Okay, that easily holds a large.

Oh, looks like pelican's mouth.

My chest is nice and warm. I'm hands-free.

If I want it a little closer to my head...

I appreciate your commitment, but for me,

I think just put the bucket or the bag right on in.

Now, would you actually do this in real life?

God, no!

This is a prank, basically. -Yeah.

So there's one every time we do this segment.

Might have been two this time, Brooke.

Now, our first hack, we laughed at.

Laughed at. Chopsticks!

Judged it right out of the gate.

We owe you a big apology.

The chopsticks were very portable.

You're not choking and you're ruining a hoodie

and getting popcorn everywhere.

Val, you win our... Both: Hack seal of approval.

If you folks at home have hacks that you want

it's oh-so-simple.

Just got to trutv.Com/hacks and send them in.

And, hey! You might break Brooke!

[ Chuckles ]

I'm Brooke.

Man: Check, check, 1, 2.

So, you're on your way to a romantic picnic,

and that's when your hot date calls

and says "hey, sweetheart, don't forget the wine opener."

And you're halfway there.

So what are you gonna do?

We're gonna put hidden cameras everywhere and see

if the strangers of New York

will lend you a hack.

Miss, do you have a hack to get into a bottle of wine?

-No. -Nothing.

Did you see a wine opener over there by any chance?

Do you guys have one on you? -No. Sorry.

Something to pop a cork? It's non-alcoholic.

I'm not a degenerate.

Sir, do you have bottle opener by any chance?

Why don't you try to push it with your thumb?

-With my thumb? -Your thumb.

Try pushing in. That work?

Do you have strong thumbs? I'm a porcelain doll.

Like, I'm a very weak man.

I don't mind you thumbing the bottle.

Nope, I don't think it's going in.

Yeah, no, I -- -maybe shake it?

I don't know. -I've seen this on yachts

in hip-hop videos, but I don't think it was with wine.

It's not working. [ Buzzer sounds ]

Aah!

Miss. Hi. How are you?

-Good, how are you? -I would be so much better

if I could get into this bottle of wine.

I have a lighter.

All right, so the idea is if we light,

this is somehow going to loosen up the cork?

-Yeah. -And make it come out?

They probably think I'm performing street magic now.

[ Laughs ]

The cork is on fire.

That is nice and toasty now, but I don't think it's...

No.

Is that even safe to do?

[ Buzzer sounds ]

I just want to drink you so bad.

Sir. -Yes.

Um, listen. Bottle of wine.

I need to get into it and I don't have a opener.

Well, I don't have an opener, either,

but I have a set of keys.

♪♪

So you're thinking of jamming that in there.

-Jamming it in. -Okay.

Getting some leverage on it,

and then maybe pulling it out that way.

Okay. That's working.

At an angle.

And then I think... -Whoa!

Oh! I hear it!

Or maybe that's cicadas.

I think I got it.

Oh! I see it!

See if you can pull it out with that.

[ Cork pops ]

Aah!

There it is. [ Bell dings ]

You just made my evening and probably my morning, so...

Thank you. Thank you for lending me a hack.

-Here's to your date. -[ Laughs ] There was no date.

She never existed. [ Laughs ]

Brooke: Huddle up, hackers! It's make-or-break time.

Tricks to take your tailgate from worst to first

when the "hack" comes back.

Kevin: There are two types of people in this world --

those who embrace hacks, and those who reject them.

To see which type gets better results,

we're doing to do a side-by-side comparison

in hacker vs. Slacker.

Hacker Max and slacker Max are both

tailgating today's championship game.

The fans are getting rowdy,

but it's not game time. They're just hungry.

Slacker Max's tiny grill

can't cook up burgers fast enough

to feed all the fans,

meaning they'll eat anything,

even these undercooked burgers.

Meanwhile, hacker Max has more than enough grilled meat

to feed a football team.

That's because he put glowing-hot charcoals

inside a cinder block

to hack himself a hibachi.

The kabob is up and it's good!

Slacker Max's friends are leaving it all on the field.

Literally.

The paper plates slacker Max serves his food on are so flimsy

that they're spilling good grub all over the parking lot!

Hacker Max, on the other hand,

knows that the best offense is a good defense.

By cutting beer-bottle-sized

holes in the middle of his plates,

he hacks his way to a perfectly balanced meal.

Clean hacks, full fans.

Can't lose.

Slack Max's supply of booze

is warmer than a standing o from the hometown fans.

His cooler can barely hold more than a six-pack.

Hacker Max, meanwhile, has ice water in his veins

and frosty-cold beer at the ready,

thanks to his homemade beer fountain.

Made by balancing three kiddie pools

on top of each other, this alcoholic attraction

can keep dozens upon dozens of cold ones cold.

Don't be like slacker Max!

Be like hacker Max and start hacking your life today!

[ Raspy ] Ahh, thank you. That was refreshing.

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