Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately!

Male announcer: The following is a paid advertisement

for ultra silk auto shine.

Every car owner wants that showroom shine,

but who wants to shell out for expensive waxes?

Introducing ultra silk auto shine.

It's the car Polish you already have

because it's hair conditioner.

Grab a bottle of hair conditioner

from your bathroom and mix it with two cups of water.

Lather, rinse, and repeat as many times as you like.

Thanks to the lanolin in you conditioner,

your car will only get shinier.

Just look at that glossy finish.

Is that my car, or is it Salma Hayek's hair?

[ Chuckling ] I honestly can't tell.

Kevin: Tonight...

Nards!

Kevin: ...Your mind is about to get blown.

Brooke: We show you how to hack your way

to the front of any line.

Holy [bleep] that was amazing.

Ohh, mama!

Brooke: Kev and I leave it all on the lawn

in a head-to-head leaf-clearing battle.

Come on you [bleep] losers.

Kevin: Plus, a hack so good,

I can't even believe my own eyes.

Hacks never work like that!

That's insane! -[ Laughs ]

Kevin: It's all starting right now.

Don't die on me, you son of a bitch.

Brooke: This is "hack my life."

♪♪

Did you know the average American spends

72 years every year waiting in line?

Sounds like three days too many, Brooke,

which is why, today, we're gonna show you

how to stop wasting your life in line

and how to cut to the front every time.

This is gaming the system.

As a civilized society, we've come to accept lines

as an essential but annoying part of daily life.

But today, we're gonna change all that by showing you

how to game your way to the front of any line,

anytime, anywhere.

And by "we," I mean my friend Grant.

Yeah, not Brooke and I.

What's going on, Grant? -Hey. How're you guys doing?

Well, Grant, you've got the toughest job today.

You're gonna be the guys who is cutting in lines.

Are you concerned? Are you nervous?

In New York City, yeah. I don't want to get beaten up.

-[ Chuckles ] -Let's get to the hacks.

All right, so, here's how this is all going down.

Grant's Mark is a popular New York City lunch joint,

and the line here can get upwards of 45-minutes long.

Grant's first hack today is the "I'm a foreign tourist" hack,

where he'll pretend he doesn't speak the language.

I think I'm gonna go with no English at all.

Just, "burger? Yum." -Yum.

Copy that, Grant. We're excited for this one. Got it. Okay.

All right, here we go. He's sizing up the line right now.

You can see he's looking for the lone victim.

Where is it? He's finding the weak link. Oh, god.

He's gonna try to exploit it. Look at that line

This guy right here.

[ Sheepishly ] Excuse, excuse.

Um, burger? -Yes.

Yum. Yum, yum, yum.

"Yum, yum, yum"!

-Yummy! -And he's in.

Oh, look, look! She's telling the people, like --

she's not gonna allow for that.

Look, she's thinking about it.

You can see she's thinking about it.

She's wanting to yell at this guy.

I feel like he should get bold

and try and jump a few more in line.

Let's see if you can leap-frog like five more people.

Grant: All right, here we go.

Burgers. Burgers.

Grant: Burger?

Burger here? -Yeah.

Hang in there. Hang in there.

But burger here?

"Line"?

Oh, god, this is so awkward. [ Chuckling ]

This is amazing, though.

Looks like they're giving up.

He's done. He's in.

You just cut off, like,

a good 10-minute wait right there, man.

The "I'm a foreign tourist" hack is a...Burger, yum!

Burger!

[ Ding! ]

Our second hack is the "hey, I'm your friend" hack.

Brooke: This is where you saunter up

next to someone in line and pretend like you're friends

before the people behind you can catch on.

They look lonely. Let's give them a friend!

Hey, dude. How are you?

-Sorry? -How you doing?

[ Chuckling ] I'm doing all right.

How are you doing? -Doing well, man.

God, glad to be out of that meeting.

That was stupid.

Perfect. Perfect, Grant. You're killing it.

I think these people are waiting, actually. Yeah, yeah.

-I think they're waiting. -Oh, no.

We've been here for 15 minutes.

Grant: Aw, man, you got to play me dirty like that, dude?

[ Both laugh ] We just got out of a meeting together.

We're good. -I really don't know this guy.

I don't know him.

Kevin: Grant, try more friendly. Talk about the weather.

Ask them if they're watching "westworld."

Have you seen "westworld" by any chance, the new show? [ Laughs ]

Not yet.

It's fantastic.

Oh, my god, that guy looks like he wants tokill

you're w-- oh. Okay, all right.

Aw, poor Grant.

Grant: Oh, man, he was not having me.

[ Buzzer ]

Okay, so, not everybody need a friend in this world, Brooke.

Sure don't.

Now, our third hack is the justify method.

According to studies, people are more likely

to give you a free pass when you explain why you're cutting.

So, for this hack, Grant is going to pretend

that he royally screwed up his new boss' order -- ugh!

If he doesn't fix that lunch right way,

he's gonna get fired.

You better hack like your job is dependent upon it,

because it is, Grant!

Right. Sorry.

Oh, god. This one's making me so nervous.

Grant: Hi. I am so sorry to bother you.

I got my boss' order wrong.

Is there any way I can go before you?

I'm so sorry for cutting you guys.

Grant: My boss is a frickin' [bleep] Though.

Is that okay?

He's in it. Wow!

Oh, my god, he just -- wow!

Holy [bleep] Grant. That was amazing!

[ Ding! ]

-Hey! -The hero of the day!

-Whoo, man of the hour. -Hello, hello.

-Well played, buddy. -Thank you very much.

-Two out of three. -Two out of --

yeah, I was super-excited. -Not bad at all.

Now, look, the, "burger, yum," approach,

as well as the justify,

"my boss is going to fire me" approach -- yes.

Did one feel worse than the other?

Yeah, the one about the boss.

I felt bad ;cause I'm just, like, giving them

a sob story about a fake boss, but --

yeah, you're lying. You were lying to their face. Yeah, "a sob story," sure.

"Oh, so sad" -- you were lying to them

and taking advantage of their kindness. [ Laughs ]

Your boss really sounded like an [bleep] yeah.

He was. Yeah, well, you know what? He got his damn burgers.

Thank you, Grant. -Yeah, we did.

♪♪

[ Projector clicks, whirs, fanfare plays ]

Male announcer: High heels --

squisher of toes, lengthener of legs.

But did you know these skyscraping shoes are

also a hack from history?

Ancient Egypt --

butchers find themselves up their ankles in animal guts.

To avoid wading through all that blood,

they attached wooden arches to the soles of their sandals.

By osiris, these shoes are the "tutan-bomb-UN."

Male announcer: But heels as we know them

don't appear until 16th century persia.

Soldiers need a way to stay on their horses during battle,

so they add a platform to the back of their boots,

giving them the edge they need to stay in saddle.

My heel game is on point.

Male announcer: High heels quickly spread to venice,

where male aristocrats used them to appear more powerful.

I'm literally looking down on you.

And female courtesans wear them to stand out.

Why don't you come up and see me sometime?

High heels grow in stature

and height throughout Europe, until --

Paris -- 1791.

Noted short person Napoleon bans high heels

for being elitist.

Off with their heels!

They become unfashionable until --

Paris -- 1954.

When French designer Roger vivier attaches

a metal rod to the heel of a shoe,

and the stiletto is born.

So, here's to you, high heels.

You've helped people rise above the rest for centuries.

And for that, you are a hack from history.

Kevin: Coming up... That's insane! [ Laughs ]

...a hack you need to see to believe.

I was wack for thinking it wasn't a hack.

Brooke: Plus, think you're ready for this jelly?

Nards!

Hacks for making an air-tight pb&j when we return.

♪♪

Male announcer: The following is a paid advertisement

for wash-Ka super clear.

Big windshield wants you to believe

you need to spend big money on their precious blue fluid.

What's in that stuff anyway?

Introducing wash-Ka super clear, the first

and only windshield-wiper fluid made from vodka.

Just combine vodka, water, and a dash of soap, then mix.

[ As Connery ] The name's man -- "pitch man."

And my car takes wash-Ka shaken, not stirred.

[ Laughs ]

[ Normal voice ] You can spend upwards of $5 a gallon

on regular wiper fluid... [ Buzzer ]

But why would you?

Wash-Ka is foolproof, 80 proof, and 100% on the house,

because you've already got vodka.

Male announcer: Must be over 21 to order. Please wipe responsibly.

You know, almost four out five people require

some sort of corrective lens to see better.

Well, today, we're testing out a hack

that could put ophthalmologists the world over out of business.

This is hack or wack.

For today's hack or wack, I'm joined

by three true visionaries -- Anne, Melissa, and Jack.

What would you say if I told you I had a hack

that could improve your vision without expensive Lasik

or glasses or contacts?

-I'd say, "let's try it." -Cool. Bring it on.

The hack is the fistocular.

Go ahead. Try it on. Right?

So, the theory behind the old fistocular is

that you're narrowing the beams of light,

you're focusing them onto the most sensitive part

of your retina, and that should help improve your vision.

Or so they tell me.

That's definitely wack.

Your gut's probably right, but for the sake of it,

let's test this.

Anne, could you please cover your left eye?

Starting with line 1, you may begin.

"E."

"E."

Okay.

Fire it down there.

If I'm gonna be honest -- I can't see the first letter.

[ Laughs ] I know it's an "e," but, like...

[ Laughs ]

"F," "p."

I think they're both f's.

T-o-z.

L-f-e-d. [ Buzzer ]

P-e-c-f-d.

E-d-c-p-z? [ Buzzer ]

"F."

Yeah, that's what you're getting. [ Laughs ]

And the rest is pretty much just a gray square.

Kevin: All right, here are the results so far.

Without fistoculars, Anne read to line 7,

Melissa made it to line 5,

and Jack barely saw past line 1.

Let's see what happens with the fistoculars.

"Anay"? "Unney"?

Anne.

Anne, the doctor will see you now.

Okay, so, cover that eye again. Okay.

And then, let's see the fistocular.

F-e-l-o...

P-z-d.

Yes.

Dare we attempt line 8?

M-n --

just want to confirm you're on a line 8.

Yep, I'm on line 8. [ Chuckling ] Okay, all right.

Keep going then. You're doing great.

F-p-o-t-e-c.

Okay, hey, t-e-c- was right. Great!

-Fistocular -- go ahead. -All right.

You can start at the top.

But I'm even more sure that it's two f's now.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, man! Oh, man! So, check this out! [ Laughs ]

I just did it really tight, and it actually helped.

-What?! No. No, don't. -This is crazy.

So, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no.

I just did it so tight.

E-d-f-g...

Uhh...something-p -- z-p?

-Yeah, it is z-p. -Yeah!

You chart-memorizing son of a bitch. No, no, I'm not lying

this really works.

No, I don't believe any of this.

P-e-c-f-d.

E-d-f...

C-z-p.

[ Laughs ] That's so weird.

-No. No. -Yes, it really works.

-Yes, it does. -No!

Hacks never work like that.

That's insane! -[ Laughs ]

No, yeah.

Give me line 6 one more time.

E-d-f-c...

[ Laughs ]

Z-p.

I am shocked.

Anne, you went from 20/25 vision to 20/20 vision.

Melissa, you went from 20/40 vision

to 20/30 vision -- not bad.

Jack, I thought you were totes [bleep] with me. No.

No, it really -- -it really worked for you?

Yeah, I was, like, probably the most skeptical,

I feel like, too. [ Laughter ]

You went from 20/100 vision all the way to 20/25.

Like, that's a mild miracle.

Okay, hack or wack -- Anne, we'll start with you.

-I'm gonna say hack. -Melissa?

-It's a hack, yeah. -Jack?

It's a hack! Yeah, it's wild.

Amazing! The hacks have it.

The fistoculars are, in fact, just that.

It's a hack.

♪♪

Can you hack your way out of a jam?

Let's find out in today's pop quiz.

♪ Oh, yeah, p-b-j, time to put it in my mouth ♪

Yeah.

Aw, nards!

Have your subpar sandwich-making skills

left you in a sticky situation?

Jelly's the best part.

Guess I'll just go hungry.

Easy, buddy.

I've got a hack that will save your sloppy sandwiches.

Let's see if you can guess what it is in today's pop quiz!

Right on, quizzes are my jam! [ Chuckles ]

Leaves the puns to the professionals, chief.

Right.

Brooke: Okay, what can you add to your sandwich

to keep the jelly from squirting out the sides?

Is it "a," baking soda, "b," toothpicks,

or "c," more peanut butter?

You didn't help me before, peanut butter.

Get out of here.

Toothpicks would literally hold the sandwich together.

But I've been burned by you before.

Baking soda dries things out.

Yeah, baking soda.

[ Buzzer ] What, are you nuts?

The answer is actually "c," more peanut butter.

Come on.

All you have to do is take two pieces of bread

and cover each with a thin layer of peanut butter.

Then, add another layer of p.B. To one of the slices,

but only along the edges.

Now just scoop in some jelly and close everything up.

Hey, this is great!

Thanks, pop quiz lady!

That's what I'm here for.

[ Muffled ] Hey, while you're here,

do have any hacks for keeping this

I'm gonna leave. Now.

Bvp out.

Kevin: Close your laptop

and throw your smartphone down a well.

Brooke: We're bringing the Internet's

craziest hackers to your TV. [ Modem beeping, buzzing ]

It's worldwide hacks. [ Ta-da! ]

[ Mouse clicks ]

No one should spend time on the Internet.

It's a cesspool of reaction gifs,

cat photos, and other crap my mom won't stop posting.

Which is why we're here, to perform the public service

of trawling through the garbage to find some brand-new hacks,

like this one from a landlocked hacker

from Indianapolis, Indiana.

So, what we are going to do today is

we are gonna build the best splash pad ever.

♪♪

See you guys!

Joining us now from Indianapolis is Nathan levenhagen.

Hi!

Hello, there.

-Hello, hello! -What's up, Nathan?

All right, first thing's first --

Nathan, how old are you?

I'm 11 1/2.

Nathan, I think you're officially our youngest hacker.

Well, that's great!

-Yeah, it is. -Yeah, we love it.

You're already hacking a whole bunch of crazy things.

What have you got behind you?

This is the do-it-yourself splash pad.

Next-generation fun right here. Yeah!

What kind of activities do you do you do in the splash pad?

Kids like to splash around in it.

You can, like, put an inflatable slide

and slide down it into there.

As you can see, I got a big backyard,

so I can run all the way down there

and just skim across.

Can we see it? Let's see it!

I hope this doesn't end up on liveleak.

Like, I hope this is something you post on YouTube.

I hope this isn't, like, a fractured tailbone.

Oh, my, he's got a running start.

That is a running start. Oh, to be young. Oh, boy.

Whoa!

-Yes. -Yeah!

All right, Nathan. That was cool.

That was like some Marty mcfly floating-skateboard stuff.

-[ Laughs ] Yes! -I loved it!

How do I make one in my backyard?

Basically, you're gonna have to start out

with 14 pool noodles...

-Pool noodles. -...Fat pool noodles,

not the little, skinny ones.

Then, you link them together with the clothesline.

Then, you take the tarp, put it on top of that.

And then, just stake the tarp down all the way around.

And then, just fill it up with water.

Nathan, how do you learn how to hack and make things.

Do you read books or do you watch YouTube videos?

Well, it's just in me.

I'm a creative guy,

and I can build stuff.

I love hacking!

Right on.

Well, Nathan, thank you so much for hacking and keep cool.

-Yep, thank you. -And we'll see you soon.

We're gonna come on down and just crash

on the splash pad for a couple weeks.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, maybe.

[ Both laugh ] See you, guys.

It's a "maybe." It's a "maybe."

It's like when I call my parents and say,

"hey, can I come visit for the holidays?"

-"Mm, maybe." -"Maybe," yeah.

Ha! Kevin: Watch your back hackers.

My lumbar!

Up next, we discover the hackiest way to clear your lawn.

[ Laughs ] Hacks, baby!

♪♪

Female announcer: The following is a paid advertisement

for breeze blaster extreme.

How often has this happened to you?

You part your car on a sunny day,

and when you come back

the interior is hot enough to fry an egg.

[ Woman shrieks, dramatic tones play ]

Running the a.C. Can help, but who's got time for that --

not to mention the strain it puts on your car's battery.

Don't die on me, you son of a bitch.

Sweat no more because now there's a better way.

Introducing breeze blaster extreme,

the easy-breezy way to cool your car.

Here's how it works --

first, roll down the passenger-side window.

Then, just open the driver-side door

and slam it back and forth a bunch.

Watch as breeze blaster's patented cooling technology

pushes hot, stale air out of your car

while pulling in fresh air from outside.

It's like your car's a night club

and you're the bouncer.

Sorry, only cool air allowed. [ Laughs ]

Call in the next 20 minutes, and you'll get

the breeze blaster extreme absolutely free.

Better yet, don't call,

because if you have a car, you already own one.

The breeze blaster extreme --

it's just a car window and a door.

♪♪

[ Slump! ]

[ Slurp! Ahh! ]

[Sighs] Fall, it's one of my favorite time of year. Kevin: [ Grunting ]

Pumpkin spice lattes, chunky, cable-knit sweaters,

the lovely, colorful foliage.

Oh, it's lies -- lies, lies, lies!

And today, we're gonna teach you how to fight back

against mother nature's seasonal vomit

with tools that actually work!

This is hack vs. Hack.

[ Bell dings ]

Welcome to a lawn divided.

Today, we will wage a battle to see whose leaf-blowing hack

is moreleaf-al. [Lethal]

Our challenge is to scoop as many leaves as we can

off of this here lawn and put them

into these here bins using the hacks that god gifted us.

What will you be using, Ms. Brooke?

Well, Kevin, I'll be kicking your ass

with an electric fan

and a really, really long extension cord --

you know, like a hacked leaf blower.

-Oh, sure, just like that. -Just like it.

Well, while you're providing a gentle breeze for your leaves,

I will be dominating you with this.

It's a piece of cardboard.

I don't know.

You're looking at it going, "oh, it looks like

a piece of garbage," but actually

it's an upcylcled, bulldozing, leaf-eating badass

that is gonna be powered by my feet.

Well, kev, one man's trash is another man's trash.

Okay.

I see a bloodbath in your future.

[ Whip cracks ]

[ Whoosh! Whoosh! ]

3, 2, 1 -- go!

[ Grunting ]

Aha!

[ Laughs ] Hacks, baby!

Hah! Yeah!

Just, uh...

Ohh-ho, mama!

Hah! Hah! Hah!

You know what? We're just getting heated up here.

Okay.

One more here. Let's go ahead and --

Brooke, my bin is pretty full. You mind if I use yours?

Looks like you got plenty of room.

Come on, you [bleep] losers!

[Bleep] Damn it. I don't lose these things.

Okay.

Maybe if I oscillate.

Here, let me just check the setting on my cardboard.

-Shut up. -Oh, wait, there are none.

I could really get used to this whole season thing, Brooke.

Ohh, my lumbar!

[ Ding! ]

So, how are we gonna do this, Brooke?

Because visually -- very close to call.

Brooke, I'm gonna speak to my hack for a second.

The cardboard was free, required zero power,

did a pretty good job of cleaning up the leaves.

I mean, my bin runneth over.

How was your hack?

I just spent a lot of money on a fan that I ruined for next summer,

and, uh, it didn't do Jack [bleep]

I think the clear winner of this hack vs. Hack is cardboard.

[ Ding, ding! Crowd cheering ]

I mean, no question. Not even gonna fight you.

I'm gonna be a good loser.

Brooke, you're a great loser.

Thank you.

-You're the best loser. -Thank you!

Kevin: The hack mvp award -- a heisman for the household.

Today, we salute an item that's in the middle

of every championship celebration, the cork.

Throwing away your corks?

[ Buzzer ] That's a fowl!

All it takes is one notch in the top of a cork

to hack it into a chip clip.

Stale snacks are out of here!

Every athlete needs water,

but that h2o should be hydrating you,

not your table.

So chop up a cork, fire up the hot-glue gun,

and let those slivers form a decorated defensive line

against water rings.

Whoo!

Kevin: Need a way to keep track of your memos?

Cork's there with the assist.

Just cut some stoppers in half

and arrange artfully atop an old window frame.

Looks like you just hacked a bulletin board

to hang in your hall of fame.

Team coming over for a post-game banquet?

Slice the top of a cork, jot down your teammates' names,

and watch as that stopper slides in safe under the tag.

Guess who's coming to dinner. It's Michael.

So congratulations, cork.

You may be small, but your hack game is huge,

and for that we name you our hack mvp.

We're not calling it quits yet, hackers.

Oh, hello?

Another successful hack is calling.

I'm gonna hack your smartphone when we return.

♪♪

Hey, friends, welcome to let's make a thing,

where one man's trash is another man's treasure.

Let's see what Mr. Box has for us today.

[ Gasps ] Oh! What a joy!

It's not even my birthday. But what a thoughtful gift.

Because with these balloons,

I can hack together a super-cool smartphone case.

All I need are some balloons and a smartphone,

a 2x4, some horse glue,

a blowtorch, duct tape, glitter, and thumbtacks.

Kidding -- I just need a balloon and a smartphone.

Take your balloon. Inflate said balloon.

♪♪

I love a good balloon knot, but not today

because we need to slowly let the air out of this thing

as we firmly press our smartphone into the balloon.

Here we go!

All right, I'm gonna slowly let the air out,

and as it gets near the bottom, I'm gonna press even harder,

as you can see, so the latex balloon starts

molding around it.

I'm gonna let it all out.

And look! We made a thing!

Here we go. There's your cellphone case.

Yeah, this looks ridiculous, but this is gonna protect

your phone from small scratches and dings

for a fraction of the price

as one of those fancy store-bought ones.

Bonus hack -- you get a super exclusive filter

whenever you try to take a photo.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

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