Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately!

Kevin: Tonight on "Dr. Hack"...

Before he was america's favorite physician,

he was...

Doogie hacker, m.D.

Ah! My arm.

It feels like it's on fire.

What's the diagnosis, doctor?

Acute bee sting.

We're running out of time.

I'm calling it.

Time of death, 4:27 P.M.

Nurse, remove the body.

Hang on.

It's not game over for this guy yet.

Who let this child into the E.R.?

He's not just any child.

He's our newest doctor,

doogie hacker, m.D.

I may look young, Dr. Manning, but I assure you

my approach to medicine is very mature.

Nurse, rub this onion on the sting.

Onion juice contains quercitine,

an antioxidant that can reduce inflammation.

My arm. It feels alive again.

Lucky guess.

You're so handy with that onion, doogie.

Maybe you'd like to peel back some of my layers?

No, thanks.

The only thing grosser than onions are girls.

Gross.

Kevin: Doogie hacker, m.D.,

still learning about the birds and the bees.

Brooke: Tonight on "hack my life"...

...we show you how to put air into your party

without wasting a single breath.

Oh, no!

-Plus... -You're surrounded.

Kevin: ...The cool new way to pig out on a b.L.T.

Mmm.

Brooke: A fuel-saving hack that big oil

doesn't want you to know about.

Everybody on this road hates you.

-Look at them. [ Horns honking ]

-And... -Oh, man.

Kevin: ...Find out which hack can save you

from the dreaded gum shoe.

Do you want to do some double Dutch?

It's all hack-ening right now...

On "hack my life."

The average American spends

upwards of $1,500 a year at the pump.

And when oil prices go up,

it can cost so much more than that.

Yeah, meanwhile, the oil industry

is posting record profits

at the expense of the little guys.

But today, we're gonna test out some hacks

that could put the power back in your wallet.

This is gaming the system.

Today, we're testing out a hack designed

to improve this gas guzzler's fuel economy.

Oh, it gets a very lackluster 24 miles to the gallon.

So we're gonna try to hack that.

And once we've driven around for an hour,

and check in on our mpg readout throughout the ride.

If it reads better than 24, well, then congrats,

system, you just got gamed.

-Ooh, damn right. -For my hack,

I'll be building an aerodynamic body kit

out of cardboard.

Kevin: Yes, you heard that right,

just regular old cardboard.

The idea here is to make the car

more aerodynamic by covering

up the bottom front grille and the rear wheels.

This should reduce drag

and the amount of fuel used while driving.

Not to mention, it makes my ride look sick.

Glasses.

Hello, New Jersey!

Now, I'm gonna bring her up to speed.

And just watch this average miles per gallon just soar up.

It just dropped. It's dropping.

Well, I was accelerating to get up to speed,

but once I'm at speed, that cardboard's gonna kick in.

-Okay. -We should be seeing that

miles per gallon start to rise.

All right.

We're at 21.9, which is pretty good.

Sir, I noticed you don't have any cardboard on your vehicle.

Man: Shut up.

Just making friends.

22.3. The average was 24.

So...

22.6! -Okay.

Come on, high score.

-24. -Ha-ha!

So average.

Whoo!

Doesn't get more medium than that.

All right, let's see if we can push this bad boy

up over 24 miles per gallon.

Come on. Let's go, cardboard.

Well, kev, I don't know if it's gonna get any better.

This is not -- this is a total bust.

[ Buzzer ]

Well, you want to see if my hack has any merit to it?

-Please. -Okay.

For my hack, I'm going to be hypermiling,

which is a style of driving where you use the brake

and the gas pedal as little as possible

to maximize your fuel efficiency.

I am really just trying not to work the gas

or the brake to any sort of exertion.

You basically want to be asleep at the wheel

with your eyes open. -Yep.

Look at this. -That's it.

Oh, this person...

Cut him off. You can't hit the brake.

-I'm going to. -You can't hit the brake.

Sorry, sir, hypermiling.

I'm just gonna coast right onto the highway, okay?

Hold on to your hats!

Speed limit here is 65.

Is it? Oh, nice.

But the optimal speed for your car's miles per gallon --

-is between 50 and 60. -Between 50 and 60.

All right, I'm gonna let the needle drop a little bit.

Get a little closer to 50.

Are you accelerating at all?

-Barely. -Okay.

Look, you're at 23.5, Brooke.

-Oh, my god, I can get it. -Crawling up there.

[ Horns blaring ] 24 miles. Oh, my god.

And one Van letting you know with their horn.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

They recognize that you're saving gas.

This is great. -Oh.

Everybody on this road hates you. Look at them.

The senior care car service just blasted by you.

Doot-doot.

24 miles. Come on, baby. We can break that.

24.5!

[ Gasps ] Bitch, get out of here.

That's what they're all yelling as they're passing you.

So I guess, by default, my grandmother hypermiles?

-Yes. -No matter where she drives.

Brooke, do you know what your average mpg is right now?

-28? -Keep guessing.

-29. -Keep guessing.

-Shut up. -30.1 miles per gallon.

I think I gamed the system, my friend.

♪♪

Well done, bvp. Hypermiling!

Hypermiling, gaming the system!

We missed the exit like 20 miles ago.

Oh.

♪♪

-Check, check, 1, 2. -Stand by. All right.

We're ready, Kevin. -Yep.

Oh, New York.

It's a beautiful concrete jungle that makes dreams.

But if you take one wrong step,

you got a gummy nightmare.

That's why I've got hidden cameras all around me.

I'm gonna see if random passerby

will help me De-gum my sneakers.

This is lend me a hack.

Watch your step. Hi there. You have any hacks for gum?

Just do one of these?

Here in New York, we just scrape it on objects.

You guys have anything that can get gum off a shoe,

other than rage? -No.

Do you guys have anything that can get this off?

-Totally. [ "Charge" fanfare plays ]

Are you kidding me? That's so sweet of you, yeah.

Is that gonna work? Wait, did you read it already?

Okay, I feel like it's almost making it worse.

Okay. Yeah, here.

I'll just -- I'll walk back.

Do you want to do some double Dutch?

[ Buzzer ]

Excuse me, do you have anything

that can get gum off a shoe?

No.

Excuse me, miss? I got a lot of gum on my shoe.

Do you have anything that can get this off?

I have my gum. Maybe it would unstick it?

If I put more gum on the gum?

[ "Charge" fanfare plays ]

You are very brave.

Okay.

Oh, look, that's progress.

Do you have 347 more pieces of gum in your purse?

I don't.

Then I don't think that's gonna work.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, it's on my laces.

It's on the laces.

Excuse me, sorry.

Do either of you have anything that can get gum off shoes?

Any gum -- look at that.

Want to try an ice cube?

-I want to try anything. -All right.

[ "Charge" fanfare plays ]

-I've had gum in my hair before. -And you used ice?

Yeah. So here, let's take this. Okay.

-And so -- -and then just rub it on.

Oh, no, it's starting to rain.

Oh, I can -- like, instantly I can feel it

getting a little harder, actually.

Yeah, I can see it getting hard. You know what, actually,

I think I have a dog poop bag.

I do. [ Laughs ]

All right, here we go. Let it get cold.

Rub it a little bit. There we go.

All right! -Ah, look at that!

-That's good. -Fished in one piece.

[ Ding! ]

-Thank you. -Have a good one.

-You, too. -Okay, bye.

Got the gum off my shoe.

Who knew? Ice cubes.

Freeze it, friends.

Ha-ha! It's seriously raining, though.

I'm gonna get out of here. [ Thunder rumbles ]

Coming up...

The lazy cook shows you how to increase your bacon intake.

Lot of pigs had to die for this,

but, mmm, worth it.

Brooke: And we find out

which of these balloon hacks doesn't blow.

When the hack... -Oh, no!

...pops back.

Kevin: Fevers rise on the next "doogie hacker, m.D."

What are you doing here, doogie hacker?

Aren't you supposed to be grounded?

My mom says I'm allowed to come to work.

She said they need a doctor here

who can actually treat patients.

You're not even qualified to treat a case of lice.

Oh, really?

Mayonnaise?

Thanks, but I really prefer mustard.

♪♪

The thick, oily consistency of Mayo

serves to suffocate the lice eggs.

Just cover your head with a shower cap before bed,

and by morning, you'll be able to comb out

all those nasty little buggers.

Damn it, Dr. Hacker, I still don't like you.

But I am starting to respect you.

Hey, that's great. Then you won't mind

that I'm taking your daughter to spring formal.

Ah!

Will Dr. Manning and doogie hacker

ever see eye to eye?

Find out on the next "doogie hacker, m.D."

♪♪

Man, any bozo worth his weight in face paint

will tell you blowing up balloons

is no easy task,

which is why today we're testing out hacks

that could help you normal folks breathe a little bit easier.

It's hack vs. Hack.

Well, hello, everyone, and welcome to the first annual

"hack my life" inflate race.

Together: Whoo!

Today, Ari, Lynette, and Amy

will be competing to inflate as many balloons

as they can without using their wind pipes.

If there were hacks beneath this box

that could help you inflate balloons,

save your precious lungs, would you be interested?

-Oh, I would love it. -Yeah.

-Bring it on. -All right, all right.

And here are your hacks.

-Whoo! -Wow!

Three very different hacks.

First up, we got a bike pump.

Now, it can refill tires,

so it should also be able to blow up balloons.

Our next hack is vinegar and baking soda.

Now, when these substances mix,

you release carbon dioxide.

If you can trap that using a bottle,

you can blow up a balloon.

Last, but certainly not least, the old leaf blower.

Getting a balloon around the nozzle may be tricky,

but it probably has enough power to get the job done.

Ari, I'll start with you.

I'm gonna take the science route.

-You're going science? -Baking soda and vinegar.

Lynette? I think I'm gonna go with the bike pump.

Well, Amy, that means you're left with the leaf blower,

but I saw you celebrating. -Yeah, yeah.

I'm, like, ready to blow up some balloons, man.

Fighting words. Let's get this party started.

Ladies, we'll have two minutes on the clock.

Whoever can fully inflate and tie off

the most balloons will be declared the winner.

Ready?

Set...

Blow!

Okay, the bike pump is down. We got a funnel,

trying to fill multiple balloons with baking soda.

If you want to mule cocaine across the border,

this technique works, as well.

Oh, oh!

The leaf blower immediately inflating the first balloon.

I'm gonna call that good.

Lynette's getting some pumps in there.

Man, that is a lot of time

and a lot of effort for a little inflation.

I can hear the air escaping.

We've got some vinegar going into a bottle here.

And she is shaking it violently. -It's gonna work.

-There it is! -There we go. There we go!

That might be her first balloon, and it is.

Amy is on her second balloon right now.

Lynette's got two on the table.

Oh.

Oh, we got a burst balloon.

60 seconds in. We got 1 minute remaining.

Baking soda's got three balloons.

Okay, that's four for the bike pump.

And the leaf blower is in the lead with five.

10 seconds.

Oh, no! -Aah!

What just happened?

Aah!

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

That is it. Hands up.

That's it.

That's the visual I wanted.

Interesting competition.

Ari, we'll start with you.

♪♪

Um... [ Music winds down ]

I mean, you're looking at me

as if you expect me to count this as a complete balloon,

but you don't really, do you? -It's beautiful.

Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to --

I'm gonna have to toss that one aside.

So three balloons for Ari. But congrats.

Lynette. -Hi.

I'm counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

I thought I had six.

I mean, there are six items on the table,

but should I start counting these, as well, Lynette?

-You laugh. -Five balloons.

-I'll take that. -Yeah, very solid.

Very solid. Amy, how did you do?

I mean, I feel like I did all right.

I mean, very full balloons.

Very aggressive with that leaf blower.

I mean, it's just a powerhouse.

Okay, so the final tally for Amy --

I see 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 balloons.

The winner is clear.

Congrats to Amy and her leaf blower.

They have won this hack vs. Hack!

[Bleep] Yeah!

Thank you.

[ Bell dings ]

Thank you all for participating.

That was a lot of fun. -Great to be here.

And look, friends, there is a clear winner.

If you have a bunch of balloons to inflate

and you want to scare some pets or your own children,

grab a leaf blower and feel the power.

Coming up...

A baconless bite is unacceptable.

Kevin: ...Brooke shows you how to put the "b" back in b.L.T.

Brooke: Plus hacks to break up like a pro.

Kevin: When the hack bounces back.

Kevin: It's a family affair on "doogie hacker, m.D."

Patient complained of trouble inhaling,

and examination revealed the nasal cavity

to be completely clogged with snot.

This is the gnarliest case of stuffy nose

I've ever seen in all my years of medicine.

How many years can that be?

Can't breathe.

Have you tried giving him a decongestant like grated ginger?

Of course. I'm a doctor, damn it, not some candy striper.

It didn't make a dent.

Now, if you don't have any other suggestions,

I'm calling in a doctor that can grow facial hair.

Well, there is one thing, but I'm warning you, it's crazy.

I found this back massager under my mom's bed.

If I place it on the cheek bone, it should vibrate the sinuses,

shaking everything loose.

[ Buzzing ]

[ Inhales ]

I can smell again!

Thanks, doogie hacker.

You should be thanking me.

-Mom! -I told you a million times

to stay away from mommy's personal stuff.

-Busted. -Oh, well, hello, doctor.

♪♪

The best part about a b.L.T., the bacon, of course.

Hey, where's the --

"lettuce" be clear.

A baconless bite is unacceptable.

So today, I'm gonna show you how to hack your b.L.T.

So every bite has delicious, dreamy, pig meat in it.

All you need to get started

is three pieces of bacon, cut in half.

You want to take three of these guys,

lay them down vertically.

We are gonna take the two outside strips,

fold them down like so,

and then lay another piece of bacon across horizontally,

and then bring those guys up and take the middle strip.

And then just continue weaving the bacon

as if you were making a lattice pie crust.

And we've got a bacon weave.

All right.

Now I'm just gonna pop this bad boy

into the oven at 350

for about 20 to 25 minutes.

Now, it's up to you what you do while you wait,

but I like to stand here

like a weird bacon stalker

and just [inhales] inhale.

And boom #ilovebacon.

Oh, look at this.

Now that we've got our finished bacon weave,

this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

Now I'm gonna slap these guys together.

[ Sighs ] Hello, gorgeous.

Mmm.

Don't go "bacon" my heart, okay?

[ Laughter ]

So much bacon.

Mmm.

I'm in a good place.

Can you leave?

No, seriously, turn the camera off.

It's about to get weird.

Kevin: Sunglasses, shader of eyeballs.

Blocker of uv rays.

But did you know these tinted specs

are also a hack from history?

Alaska, 2,000 years ago.

Inuits seek a way to keep the glare

of sunlight on snow from blinding them.

Toklo, up ahead! Look out!

[ Screams ] [ Munches ]

Kevin: So they start carving

walrus tusks into light-blocking goggles,

and protective eyewear is born.

But sunglasses don't become see-through

until 12th-century China.

Wanting to appear impartial in court,

judges cover their eyes with shades made of smokey quartz.

I find these glasses guilty of making me look cool.

Flash forward to england 1752,

optician James ascough sees a stained-glass window

and gets a bright idea.

He starts adding a blue tint to the lenses he makes,

and sunglasses made of actual glass quickly

become a symbol of status.

I'm rich enough to stare directly at the sun.

Kevin: But shady spectacles don't catch on

with the general public until 1920s Hollywood.

Actors wear sunglasses on set to protect their eyes

from the bright lights.

While the really famous stars

sport them off-set to avoid being recognized,

only it doesn't work.

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

Demand for sunglasses explodes,

and soon everyone is wearing cheap knock-offs

of their favorite star's shades.

So here's to you, sunglasses.

You remain a cool accessory

that's acceptable to wear everywhere

except indoors.

What a great hack from history.

Stick around, love bugs.

Up next, we show you how to lose a guy

in way less than 10 days.

When the hack comes back.

Kevin: Close your laptop and throw your smartphone down a well.

Brooke: We're bringing the Internet's craziest hackers to your TV.

It's worldwide hacks.

Normally, our research team scours the web

to find the best hacks out there,

but this week's hack was

actually sent to me by my pen pal.

I didn't know you had a pen pal, kev.

There's a lot you don't know about me.

But you do know my pen pal very well.

Joining us now, co-creator and mentor of

Brooke "the lazy cook" Van poppelen,

it's her mom, Kathleen Van poppelen.

-Hi, mom. -Hi. How you doing?

Kathleen, your daughter is a joy.

Why is she still single?

Well, you'll have to ask her.

-Mom, little support here. -I'm curious --

Brooke as a teenager, was she a complete angel?

No, not at all.

Stop it.

She always had different one-liners

that now I think are hilarious.

But back then, I didn't think were funny at all.

-What would she say? -One time,

her dad was telling her something,

and she wasn't paying attention.

And he yelled at her, and she said,

"oh, yeah, I guess I should tune into the mad dad station."

[ Laughs ]

Oh, sick burn, dad.

So, you have devised a hack

that can make meatloaf completely mess-free?

Absolutely. I call it my no-mess meatloaf.

You actually took grandma's meatloaf,

and you hacked it.

That's right.

Is meatloaf a particularly messy meal to make?

It's terribly messy.

You're squishing it through your fingers all the time.

It's awful.

But with my ingredients in a bag,

that doesn't happen. -Hey.

All you do is just squish everything from the outside --

clean hands.

Keep squishing it till you know

you got everything mixed

everywhere that you want it. Clean hands.

No disgusting things going through your fingers.

And that's how I hacked meatloaf.

Yeah.

Well, it looks like an amazing hack.

And I got to tell you, we have some of the recipe right here.

-Ooh. -And it smells amazing, too.

Don't mind if I do.

All right, mom, we're gonna dig in.

Yeah.

Yeah. -I love it.

Yes, a thousand times yes.

Are we about done here? I got to go make dinner.

Okay, well, thanks for the hack, Kathleen.

And thanks for your daughter. -Just keep hacking away.

Yes, I like that attitude.

-Okay, bye-bye. -Bye, mama.

♪♪

-Ahh. [ Toilet flushes ]

Kevin: Sometimes ordinary people do extraordinary things

all in the name of hacking.

People like Betsy.

When she met her boyfriend Sam,

she thought he might be Mr. Right.

Then he gave her a vacuum cleaner for her birthday,

and she realized it wasn't just the gift that sucked.

Now it's time for Betsy to break it off with Sam for good

because she is a hack hero.

Because Betsy is a next-level hacker,

she's employing mind hacks to dump her chump.

Nobody wants to get bad news over the weekend,

which is why Betsy picks Wednesday as the dump date.

This way her soon-to-be ex

will get two full work days to recover.

Way to break up like a boss.

Next up, looking gross.

Loosing a beauty like Betsy would crush any man,

so she throws her hair into a ponytail

and trades in those cool jeans for some baggy sweat pants.

No one would mind seeing this walk out the door.

Item number three, don't be horny.

Betsy knows that break-up sex can lead to UN-breaking up.

That's why she's munching on black licorice,

which contains phytoestrogen,

a compound that decreases libido.

[ Doorbell rings ] -Sounds like Sam's here.

Betsy knows she'll need a plan of attack

before breaking the bad news.

Good thing she's got a secret weapon --

the crib notes she's stuck to her blinds.

Now Betsy can recall every lame gift and broken date

with seemingly photographic memory.

Talk about throwing shade.

Uh-oh, Sam's going in for a kiss.

But Betsy fends him off

with a whiff of black licorice breath.

Looks like this relationship is about to go long distance.

Time to go in for the kill.

To avoid things getting messy,

Betsy wants to make sure this breakup appears mutual.

So she asks Sam yes or no questions

that force him to respond "yes."

Kevin: Don't you agree that we have problems?

Kevin: Sure.

And wouldn't you prefer to be happy instead?

Yeah.

So don't you think that we should break up?

Yes.

[ Twinkle! ]

[ Crying ]

Uh-oh, an unexpected counterattack.

Sam's pulled the ultimate emotional trump card

and turned on the waterworks,

but Betsy refuses to be outmaneuvered.

She squeezes a pressure point

between Sam's thumb and index finger

that can instantly alleviate tears.

Nice try, Sam, but it's time to man up.

At last, the talk is over.

And Betsy is ready to move on.

Sam doesn't look like he'll ever move again,

but Betsy is ready for everything.

She hands Sam a box of his things

that she's already packed and sends him out the door.

See you later, Sam.

You'll always remember the day

you got dumped by Betsy breaker-upper,

a true hack hero.

Officer's checking out my sweet mod.

Brooke: Trying to decide if they want to pull us over.

Well, the po-po can't catch this hot rod.

"Sir, you got to slow down."

Officer, have you ever pulled over celebrities?

[ Laughs ]

Well, let us know when you do.

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