Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately!

It's shaping up to be a long night for us.

Sundays always are during football season.

Yeah. Lots of people throwing parties,

and some aren't used to hosting them.

So, you know, they get in over their heads.

Next thing you know, yeah, they're calling us.

[ Siren wailing ]

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, thank god you're here.

My party -- it's dying.

What do I do? What do I do?

All right, sir, just take a deep breath

and tell me what we're walking into here.

I told everyone I would make nachos,

but when I went to shred the cheese,

I realized I don't have a grater.

-Let's go. -Let's go.

Oh, boy.

Now, mack, you got eyes on the soda can?

-Way ahead of you. -Oh.

Sir, if you ever need a grater,

just pop the top off of an aluminum can like this...

...and poke some holes in the side with a screwdriver.

These punctures, they're gonna act like little blades,

gonna get that cheese shredded up in no time.

-Hey! It's working! -Of course it is.

Now, I'm going to need to ask you one more question.

Whose cheese is this?

Oh, it's -- it's mine.

Wrong. It's nacho cheese.

Nice.

Right.

Help! Right now!

Sounds like it's coming from the other room.

-Go. -Go, go, go, go.

Kevin: Tonight...

We're spreading it on thick.

Hands up, hacks up!

A couple takes pb&j-making hacks to the extreme.

Let me ask you this. Which parent do you love more?

[ Laughter ]

Brooke: Things get personal when we try to game

a restaurant's reservation hotline.

You're fake fired from your fake assistant job

if you don't get me a fake reservation.

Kevin: Plus, it's 50 shades of hack

as we test your solutions

for getting out of zip-tie handcuffs.

Well, hot dog! Restrain me!

Brooke: Get ready for all the hacks you can catch.

Waaa!

This is "hack my life."

For generations,

the peanut butter and jelly sandwich

has been the gold standard

of middle school lunches everywhere.

But what if there was a way to make this perfect combination

even more delicious?

Well, it sounds like it's time for a hack vs. Hack.

Here to help us hack our way to a better pb&j

are Roger and his wife, Julie.

You guys are parents of four kids.

-Yes. -Congratulations.

-Thank you. -Or I'm sorry.

My condolences.

I know you make a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,

and as such, you've developed your own hacks to make them.

So how do you put together a pb&j?

Well, I always like to kill two birds with one stone.

So I take the jelly.

And are your guesstimating

how much jelly you need for four sandwiches?

Yeah. You just eyeball it.

I don't think the kids are gonna know the difference.

Now you're gonna get the jelly and the peanut butter.

Definitely.

And you've already soiled the peanut butter.

So then I'm just gonna mix it up.

When it comes time to actually make the sandwich

or whatever you're doing, it's a one-step process.

All right, Julie, tell me about your hack.

So, my hack is the squeezie bottle hack.

You take a container of peanut butter

and you stick it in the microwave for 30 seconds.

It becomes super liquid-y, and it will pour really easily.

Then you take the grape jelly, squeezie bottle number 2.

-Done. That's it. -Squirt, squirt.

Squeezie bottle.

What am I missing here? What's the downside?

The downside is it's not gonna be evenly spread out.

She's gonna have big splotches like it's modern art.

No bowl to clean. No spatula.

I don't think it's a valid argument

'cause you don't clean the bowls anyways.

[ Indistinct arguing ]

You guys make peanut butter and jelly just like my parents.

[ Laughs ]

Here's how this hack vs. Hack is going down.

You'll each have 60 seconds to make as many pb&js as you can.

Now, the judging criteria is speed, cleanliness,

and of course, deliciousness.

60 seconds starts...Now.

Oh! Interesting approach.

Julie's sticking with the jelly. She's going slice after slice.

She's not going back to the peanut butter.

That could save her precious seconds.

Not the most even distribution that I've seen.

Oh, just you wait.

Roger's got the spread going on.

I like that. Good distribution.

I don't know if the ratio of peanut butter to jelly

is exactly what it needs to be.

Let's see.

We've got three completed sandwiches over there.

30 seconds, guys.

Oh, the peanut butter's going down and it's looking good.

5...4...

3...2...

That's it. Time's up.

-Hands in the air! -Done.

Okay, so looking at speed,

Roger, you've got about seven sandwiches there.

Julie, you've got nine.

That's right.

So I'm gonna say that your hack

was the more efficient speed-wise.

But now let's talk about neatness.

So, Roger, it looks pretty good.

Not a lot of mess everywhere.

Can't really say the same for Julie.

-What happened here? -Listen, listen.

There's globs of peanut butter everywhere.

You got him on speed,

but you did not get him on cleanliness,

which means it comes down to taste.

Oh, children!

Dinner is served!

All right, gentlemen,

I have two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

These were either made by your mom or your dad.

We don't know.

Tell us what you think, and we'll pick a winner.

Your first set of sandwiches.

[ Laughs ]

Guess I get to have this one right here.

All right.

Good.

-Excellent. -Yeah?

Oh, excellent? Why is that an excellent pb&j?

Uh-huh. All right, we'll move on to the next set here.

Here we go. All right.

Too much peanut butter.

Peanut butter, peanut butter.

I really don't see any jelly.

-I do not like this one. -Not a fan.

All right, you've tried each sandwich.

It's time to vote.

So did you like sandwich a or sandwich b?

-A. -A.

-All the way? -Yeah.

That's officially two votes for hack a,

which means the winner of this hack vs. Hack challenge

is Julie with the squeezie bottles!

[ Crowd cheering ]

Julie, for your victory today,

you go home with the golden peanut.

I love it!

Congratulations to you and the squeeze bottle hack.

Rog, I'm sorry, man.

Well, at least I won't have to hear about this anymore.

That is true.

What is he talking about?

This is going on our mantel,

and I'm gonna point to it every single day.

[ Laughs ]

Prepare to be bowled over.

It's pop quiz time.

So, you brought a can of soup for lunch,

but when you go to heat it up,

you realize the office kitchen is out of bowls.

Well, I guess I could just go hungry.

Quit it with the hunger strike, Gandhi.

There's a microwave-safe bowl alternative within arm's reach.

Let's see if you can guess what it is in today's pop quiz!

Oh, wow! I wish you would have told me.

I'm terrible at pop quizzes. I get really nervous.

And when I get really nervous, I start to sweat.

And when I start to sweat I --

Brooke: All right. No need to sweat it.

There's a solution closer than you think.

To make a microwave-safe bowl, should you use --

"a," paper clips and index cards,

"b," duct tape and a magazine,

or "c," plastic forks and a paper plate?

Oh, well, uh...

Index cards seem a little bit too flimsy, but maybe.

And uh, duct tape --

I can't imagine it would smell very good after being nuked.

Uh, I'm gonna go with "c," plastic forks and a paper plate.

Ding, ding, ding! That's the right answer!

Take a paper plate

and fold up the edges to make a four-sided basket.

Then stick a microwave-safe fork in each corner

to keep it from coming apart.

After that, just pour in your soup,

pop it in the microwave, and lunch is served.

Wow! That's really cool.

Not the soup, of course. It's pipin' hot.

Thanks, pop quiz lady.

[ Can clatters ]

Never would have guessed.

Coming up, Kevin finally shows some restraint.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but safe words will not break zip-ties.

Kevin: Plus, Brooke tries

to game the restaurant reservation system

by name-dropping a big celebrity.

Woman: I'm sorry, Kevin pereira?

Kevin: Find out if it's feast or famine

when "hack my life" returns.

Kevin: We now return to "hack 911."

All right, what's going on here?

Come on. Talk to me, buddy!

-Salad. Salad. -Oh, my god.

-He's in shock. -I would be, too.

Who serves salad at at football party?

-No. -I'm watching my --

-tongs. -Oh, damn it. He's right.

There's nothing to serve the salad with.

You. Get me some pliers.

Jack, stand by with some duct tape.

On it.

We're gonna get you that salad, damn it.

-Here. -Okay, great.

Now hold those steady

while I tape these utensils onto the jaws.

Losing them, I'm losing them.

Hold it. Hold it.

Stay with me. Stay with me.

Now serve your guests some salad, stat!

Nice trick. It actually works.

Well, we're professionals, sir.

We'd never steer you "tong."

[ Laughs ] Nice.

Man: Hey, man! That's my seat!

I got a note from a doctor. I need to sit there.

-My seat! -Hey, hey, hey.

Hack 911 requesting immediate backup.

We have an altercation in progress.

Okay, so maybe you and the missus

decided to do a little Liam neeson role play.

Or maybe you got kidnapped by human traffickers.

Sometimes you need out of zip-tie cuffs.

Hang tight, buddy. We've got you covered.

This is hack mail.

It's very unlikely you'll actually find yourself

in a situation where you need to break free

from zip-tie handcuffs.

I mean, unless you're fun.

Amen, sister.

All right, whichever hack

gets us out of these zip-ties fastest

wins our...

Both: Hack seal of approval.

Hack number one.

Yeah.

Can you -- you got it?

Ah! You got it.

Here we go. Hack number one comes to us

from Mike in frierson, Louisiana.

I don't like the sound of this guy.

All right. You've got the lace there.

This is me if I was wearing my freshest timberlands

and I happened to be abducted.

I'm gonna try to tie a knot around this thing.

Okay.

You can always cough or yell

to cover up any sounds that you're making.

Enh! Enh!

Uggh!

Everything's fine, darus! Keep counting your gems!

Two hoops. I'm gonna put one around my toe.

Then I'm gonna pass this middle part through the cuffs.

There we go.

There we go. And now your next move is to...?

-So you got to just fussy baby. -Fussy baby.

[ Crying ]

He's got the boot lace threaded through the zip-tie,

and he's got one on each foot and he's --

oh! [ Laughs ]

He's free! He's free!

Look at that!

Not tonight, darus!

It smells a little bit like burning plastic,

but also success.

Hack number two

comes from Rachel in morristown, New Jersey.

Well, hot dog! Restrain me!

Yes, ma'am.

You're going for the smaller, pointy end.

Yeah. This is the thinner end.

Okay, so -- ow. All right. Ouch.

You stab yourself in the process a few times.

Okay. It's really hard to see when you're bound.

Get in there!

You know, it's probably doable,

but I feel like your life would really have to be on the line

for this to work.

If I could get the --

and you're dead. Sorry, Brooke!

Our final hack comes from Chaz in elko, Nevada.

Well, good thing I'm as strong as Chaz.

Hyah!

Channel the Chaz!

-Chaz! -Channel the Chaz!

Ouch. Chaz!

Get 'em, Chaz!

-Chaz! -Oh, no!

Ch--

oh, no. Oh!

Chaz!

In your face, Chaz!

Chaz!

Okay, yeah. I just didn't -- I didn't commit.

Shall we review these hacks?

First hack -- bicycle kicking.

It takes a few minutes to set up,

and if you're in the trunk of a car

or a shipping container, that might be a little rough.

But thank god in the 11th hour,

our good friend Chaz showed up.

Hands to the heavens... Chaz!

Chaz! You just "Chaz!" Your way to freedom.

So, congrats to you, Chaz.

You and all of your muscles win our...

Hack seal of approval!

I think we've got some business to take care of, though.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think darus saw this coming, us getting free.

He's gonna see me coming.

Kevin: Close your laptop

and throw your smartphone down a well.

Brooke: We're bringing the Internet's craziest hackers to your TV.

It's worldwide hacks.

Friends, let's face it.

The Internet is basically a giant garbage fire.

However, if you sift around the trash embers,

you might find a gem.

Our hack of the week is a knife so hot

that it actually toasts while you cut.

The furzo toasto!

What we've got is a modified microwave transformer,

some big, fat cables coming out of it

into this kind of knife thing that I've made.

This is better if I actually turn the lights off

and then you can really see it.

Oh, yeah.

And then...Toast!

[ Laughs ]

The brilliant mind behind the toasting knife,

coming to us from lincolnshire, england...

-It's Colin furze! -Yay!

-Welcome, Colin! -How are you, sir?

I'm very good. Very good to meet you.

Likewise. I love your bunker.

Yeah, I thought I'd come down here and do my Skype chat

because, you know, a lot of things people talk about

might be down here.

Yeah, so, now, you call yourself like a garage inventor

or a garage hacker.

So what does that mean, exactly, Colin?

Uh, basically, I suppose,

everything I make and hack is done in a garage.

So I've not got, like, a massive fancy workshop

in the middle of nowhere or anything like that.

I wake up, hack, hack all day, and then go to bed.

Okay, Colin, you've built a lot of things in your garage

and shared them on your YouTube page.

Everything from magnet shoes...

Walking on the ceiling in my shoes!

...to real-life Wolverine claws.

[ Laughs ]

But let's talk about this toasting knife.

Okay.

-That thing is intimidating. -Whoo!

Yeah, I don't look at that and think "breakfast."

So how did you come up with this idea?

I saw somebody make an induction heater,

which is basically what this is.

So I saw them trying to melt bolts and stuff,

and I was like, "you fools! You can make toast with that!"

[ Laughs ]

You can use it to spread butter.

You see, this is probably its best trait,

is if you get a bit of butter straight out the fridge

that's a bit hard --

I hate that -- you can spread it nicely.

Oh, look at that. Beautiful.

Now, that is good.

How does it taste?

Uh, well, it needs a little work.

I'll give it that.

Well, Colin, we appreciate everything that you do

over on your YouTube channel.

It is a pleasant rabbit hole to go tripping down.

We look forward to more hacks from you in the future.

Thank you very much! Good to speak to you.

Talk to you again soon!

Up next...

So you're totally full Friday?

Okay, thank you. You've been very helpful.

I appreciate your time.

...we show you how to work the phone line

to get a table at an exclusive restaurant.

Deuces.

Brooke: Plus, hacks that'll add new color to your yard

without costing you green.

When the hack blooms again.

Kevin: We now return for the conclusion of "hack 911."

Hey, man! That's my seat.

I got a note from a doctor. I need to sit there.

All right. Typical football Sunday.

-Break it up. -Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Break it up, break it up. Hey! What's all the commotion?

I can see the TV better from that couch, so I want to sit there.

I've got lower lumbar pain. I need to sit right here, okay?

Yeah, but I want it more.

-Hey! -Guys!

We can all have a good view of the big game,

but we got to hack this together.

You two go get me four chairs

from the dining room table right now.

All right, you two, come help us pick up this couch.

Salad, let's go.

Guys, lift with the legs.

Remember, there's no hack to fix a bad back.

Good job, fellas.

This is great.

There's no bad seats in this place.

See, by using four chairs, you can loft this couch

to create stadium-style seating in your own home.

Exactly.

Jeepers creepers, where'd you get them bleachers?

That's not your best one.

It's been a long day.

Kevin: "Hack 911" -- to protect and hack.

Sometimes an item is so useful

it ascends into the pantheon of great hacking tools.

Today, we celebrate a household item

that truly has become a hack all-star --

the old credit card.

These pieces of plastic may be past their expiration date,

but that doesn't mean you need to cut them out of your life.

Here's a hack that'll spare your fingertips.

The next tip you need a guitar pick,

carve one out of an old credit card.

Now you're ready to play songs in the key of apr minor.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

Tangled earbuds are a headache,

but getting this mess straightened out

is as easy as reaching for your wallet.

Trim the sides of a credit card.

Then punch two holes in the top and one at the bottom

to hack yourself an earbud caddy.

That's a wrap for wily wires.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

Ouch!

Those fingers are busted worse than you credit score.

Stabilize your swollen digits by using a credit card as a splint.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

If you thought your interest rates were robbery,

tell those muggers that crime doesn't pay

by using your credit cards as makeshift throwing stars!

[ Whispering ] All-star.

Congratulations, old credit card.

We owe you a debt of gratitude.

You truly are a hack all-star.

So you're totally full Friday?

And Saturday?

Okay, thank you. You've been very helpful.

I appreciate your time.

Sometimes it feels like you would have better odds

winning the lottery

than booking a last-minute reservation at a restaurant.

You know, that's actually not an exaggeration.

Which is why we're gaming the system.

To see if we can game the restaurant reservation system,

Brooke and I are going to attempt to book

a last-minute table at a New York City hotspot.

Now, for my hack, I'll be doing a little name-dropping.

I'm going to pretend to be an assistant

who's trying to get her celebrity boss a table.

Question, though.

What happens when you show up to the restaurant

and you don't have the celebrity with you?

One step at a time, kev.

Like, let's see if we can even get our foot in the door.

Yeah, but what celeb are we gonna pick?

I feel like you can't aim too high... No.

...but you also don't want to pick someone who's too obscure.

Kevin, I think I have the perfect person.

You!

You! You're -- you're so middle of the road.

Brooke, I didn't know you thought I was c-list.

I do.

[ Ringing ]

Patty: Good afternoon.

Thank you so much for calling [bleep]

Patty speaking. How can I help you?

Hi, there.

I was looking for a table for two tonight at 8:30.

We are all booked up tonight.

Yeah, I'm calling on the behalf of Kevin pereira,

and he was hoping to bring a pretty important client in.

Shoot.

I'm sorry, could you just give me a second, please?

I'm just gonna put you on hold for a moment.

Yeah, I really appreciate that. Thank you so much.

Of course.

I'll tell you what, Brooke.

If it doesn't work out,

you're fake fired from your fake assistant job

if you don't get me a fake reservation.

'Cause Mr. Pereira doesn't stand for that.

Miss?

Excuse me.

-Miss? -Yes, hello.

So, you know, I did just speak to the manager,

and unfortunately, you know, we're overcommitted for tonight,

so there's really nothing I can do.

[ Buzzer ]

I almost thought we had it.

The problem is, she probably googled you and like,

"not worth it." What? No!

For my hack, I'm gonna go with the "calling to confirm" method,

which is where you call the restaurant

to confirm a reservation that you never actually made.

Hopefully, they feel bad.

"Oh, it got lost in the files. You know what?

Let me go ahead and book you a fresh table."

Boom.

[ Ringing ]

Patty: Good afternoon.

Thank you so much for calling [bleep]

Patty speaking. How can I help you?

Hi, there, Patty.

I just want to confirm the time on this reservation.

I'm having a calendar issue,

and I'm seeing, like, a double thing.

One's showing 8:30, and the other's showing 8:45.

Of course. What's the name, please?

Sir?

Uh, dirk bernardin.

Djierk bernardin.

Can you spell that, please?

Bernardin is b-e-r-n-a-r-d-i-n.

Uh-huh.

And djierk is exactly the way it sounds.

Yeah, you know, unfortunately,

I don't see a reservation in that name for either time.

Could you hold on for me one second, please?

Of course, of course. Thank you so much.

Great.

I'm glad she didn't ask me to spell "djierk."

-Sir? -Yes, Patty.

So, I've checked a couple different days

in case there was a mistake,

but I'm not seeing it, unfortunately.

Oh, my -- well, I got to be honest, Patty.

I don't know what to --

I don't know what to do now 'cause I --

is there anything you can do?

Well, you said it was for two people?

Yeah, just for two people tonight at --

again, I was planning on 8:30 or 8:45, but I am flexible.

I feel bad. This happens occasionally,

so I could give you a table at 9:00 for two.

Would that work?

You got it. Patty, thank you so much.

You have saved my night.

You have a great one, okay?

Of course. You, too.

Deuces.

Whoo!

I got to tell you,

confirming a fake reservation is a successful hack.

I feel like we need to go.

Well, dinner's on djierk.

-Let's go. -All right.

Kevin: Hit the dirt, hackers!

Ways to give new life to your dead lawn when we return.

Kevin: Sometimes, ordinary people do extraordinary things,

all in the name of hacking.

People like Gretchen and Gunther,

two green thumbs who fix up neglected gardens

in their neighborhood.

Today's target -- old man Stevenson's house.

Our dirt-friendly duo is tired of his crummy lawn

dragging down their property values.

But Gretchen and Gunther are about to change that

because they're hack heroes!

Our weed-whacking warriors need weaponry,

and this milk jug is the perfect ordnance.

With a few quick cuts,

Gretchen hacks it into a trowel for their big dig!

Time to get to work.

Old man Stevenson might be close to pushing up daisies,

but his garden sure isn't.

So Gunther starts with a quick snack.

He's not the only one getting fed, though.

By scattering egg shells across the flower bed,

Gretchen adds much-needed calcium to the soil

and pumps up those posies.

Guerillas must adapt to conditions on the ground,

which is just what Gretchen does

when she finds an old piece of fence.

By taping it to a broomstick,

she hacks together a rake to clear the leaves

that have carpet-bombed old man Stevenson's lawn.

Next up, the patio.

Looks like those boring planters could use some reinforcement.

By wrapping the dull pots in twine,

Gretchen gives them a colorful springtime finish!

And she doesn't stop there!

By filling a wine bottle with water

and planting it neck-down in the soil,

these flowers can sip h2o whenever they need.

It's another mission accomplished

for our eco warriors.

And look!

Old man Stevenson wants to show his appreciation

for a job well done.

Get the [bleep] off my lawn!

No thanks necessary, Mr. Stevenson.

The grass is always greener for these hack heroes.

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