Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately!

Narrator: On a brand-new season of "Dr. Hack"...

Is there a doctor in the house?

Yes -- me! Kitty foxwell, expert veterinarian.

What seems to be the problem?

It's my cat.

[ Meows ]

Hermione.

She's got...

Hair balls.

Sounds serious.

I'll have to give her a thorough examination.

[ Yowls ]

Does it have to be that thorough?

I'm a doctor, damn it.

I know what I'm doing.

[ Meows ]

Next time Hermione grooms herself,

she'll lick off the petroleum jelly.

[ Squishing ]

That lubrication of the digestive tract

should keep hair balls from coming out the wrong end.

Wait a minute. Did you just...Hack my cat?

Mm.

Hacks are my thing.

Two can play that game.

[ Foxy music plays ]

You do like to play, don't you?

Oh, I play.

Hard.

Meow.

Woof.

[ Growls ]

See who bites first on the next "Dr. Hack."

Brooke: Tonight on "hack my life"...

Kevin: Did you see that?

Prepare for take-off.

It's wheels up for these flight attendants

as they take on hacks for fixing busted bags.

Nope, nope. Ooh, it's ugly. Oh, very ugly.

Kevin goes fishing for hacks in a New York City sewer.

Oh! Oh! No!

Kevin: And find out which of these whisking hacks

is the cream of the crop.

It [bleep] worked!

Open wide for your daily dose

of time-saving tips and trips.

I'm going to hack me some of that.

This is "hack my life."

Well, hello, everyone,

and welcome to the first-ever "hack my life" roller-bag derby.

[ All cheer ]

Today, we have three flight attendants

who will have to navigate a course that replicates

rushing through an airport with a carry-on bag.

Indeed. However, there is one catch --

every bag has a busted wheel.

-Oh. -Oh.

This is a hack vs. Hack. [ Bell dings ]

To help us determine which broken-wheel hack

works the best, we're joined by Sabrina,

Anderson, and Jeannie.

Here's the thing -- the axle on every bag is intact and fine.

The only part that actually broke was the wheel,

so that's what we're gonna try to approximate

with these three hacks.

Hack number one -- duct tape.

Just cut it into strips and wrap them around the axle

till you've made a wheel.

-This one's interesting. -I didn't see this coming.

It's got a belt.

The hack here is to roll it up and then tape the sides

to keep it from unraveling.

And, last but not least,

we took one of kev's little toy cars.

Tie it to the axle with some twine,

and you should be good to go.

See all your wheels turning, huh?

What are you all thinking? Sabrina.

I think I want to go with the car.

Really?

A little, cute, little car. It has wheels, so...

Okay. ...Should be fine.

Kevin: Anderson, what about you?

I'll take the duct tape. Man, I'm from the hood.

We can make anything with this duct tape.

[ Laughter ]

-All right. -Last,

-but certainly not least... -No.

Jeannie, what do you feel about this belt?

Um, it's a little small,

but good things come in small packages, you know?

Yes.

I have been saying that since prom night.

[ Laughter ] Shouting out.

All right, all right, all right.

Oh, it looks like Jeannie's wheel's coming along.

I guess you want a nice, small, thin belt.

If you don't have that,

you could probably just cut up one of your own belts.

Sure, or steal one from a child.

Sabrina, how's it going with the car and twine?

I think the best way is to go with the twine

around the axle and the frame of the car.

If this works, it's the most adorable one, that's for sure.

It really is.

How are you doing with your wheel there, Anderson?

Anderson: Man, I'm doing pretty good.

You know, got a little bit to go,

but, you know, I think it's gonna be perfect once I'm done.

-Mm. -How's it spinning?

-Yeah, give it a -- ooh. -Oh, man.

-Uh-oh. -Ooh!

Like a little roller-blade wheel.

I think it's time to compete.

♪♪

Good luck to all three of you.

No biting, no kicking,

and keep the wheels down the entire time.

Are you guys ready?

-Oh, yeah. -Ready.

-Let's go. -On your marks,

get set, roll!

[ Whistle blows ]

Everyone's off and running and heading for the security line.

Brooke: [ Laughs ]

Okay, Anderson just cuttin' them off.

Wait, wait, wait a minute!

Looks like the tape wheel's not having any trouble

on those tight turns.

Okay, Jeannie's...

Ooh, ooh, caught up on a cone.

...taking a cone out.

Let's go, let's go!

Next up for the attendants -- the parking lot.

And they are going -- oh, gravel!

Oh, through the gravel! Just dragging it on through.

I don't think the toy car held up with the gravel, though.

It looks a little loose.

Ooh, but that's not the case for Anderson's tape wheel.

It's still going strong into the concrete curb at the taxi stand.

-Whoa! -Jeannie's not doing so great.

I really don't think the wheel's rolling

so much as it's just mushed up and dragging.

Yeah.

Anderson still in the lead. Oh, oh.

He's heading for the pool of milky,

dirty New York City water. Right through the drink.

Jeannie's gonna need a massive tail wind to catch up.

Wow! So close!

Anderson in first place, Sabrina second...

By a hair. Oh. Jeannie says, "out of my way."

And there we go.

Oh!

The bags are up, and that's time.

That was fast.

That was a 25-second race, guys.

Let's go down the line,

'cause everybody completed the course. Sure.

Anderson, how's your tape hack?

Is that still intact?

Yeah, it's still intact.

Good and sturdy, still.

Jeannie, what about your belt?

[ Sighs ]

Oh, man.

It feels like an optical illusion,

because your hand is brushing by it,

but I do think that the belt has ceased to roll.

Sabrina, you look like you had a car accident over there.

Yeah. It looks pretty brutal.

But it did work through the race.

-It was an adorable idea. -Still cute.

But I don't think that's gonna

stand the test of time. Still cute.

-Wow. -Definitely not.

Everybody ran a great race, but there is a winning hack today.

Anderson, congratulations to you and the duct tape!

Whoo!

[ Bell dings ]

You're the champion of this hack vs. Hack.

"Hack my life" would like to present you with a neck pillow.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah. -Right?

Even smells good. I like your perfume.

Oh. I'm not wearing any.

That could be me. I'm sorry.

-Oh, this you? -Yeah.

-[ Laughs ] -Smelly boy.

[ Squish! ]

[ Slip! ]

[ Sloop! ]

[ Gulp! Twinkle! ]

[ Beep ]

Check. 2, 3, 4, 5.

Oh, no! Dropped my keys in the sewer.

Nothing great about that.

That's why I got hidden cameras everywhere, my friends.

We're gonna see if people on the streets

can lend me a hack and get these sewer keys back.

That is disgusting.

You guys know how to get keys out of a sewer, by any chance?

Uh... Nothing?

Sir? I got a problem.

Keys. Sewer. See them there?

They're right there.

Got a tape measure on you?

Yeah. Okay. I can go fishing with that.

[ Bugle plays fanfare ]

You want to guide me on in? Teamwork makes the dream work.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

-Oh! Oh! Oh! -All right.

-Oh, they're moving. -Pull it up.

Ohh. They're so precarious.

-Easy. -Yeah.

Oh! Oh! No!

Nooo!

[ Groans ]

Yeah.

[ Buzzer ]

Sewer keys. I got keys in a sewer, people.

Miss? Sorry to bother.

Do you -- I-I got keys in a sewer.

Oh.

I could try this thing.

[ Chuckles ] A soda tab?

Yeah.

Sure.

I feel like you need a string.

I don't know if I -- I could rip out a shoelace.

[ Bugle blows ]

Put the narrow end of the key in here.

Like, the bottom end.

All right, here we go.

Just sewer fishing.

If I catch anything, you're welcome to eat it.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my.

Oh, it's close.

[ Groans ]

Ooh.

-Oh. -Ohh.

Yeah, it's just not catching, is it?

Ugh! Well, thank you, though.

Ugh! Well, thank you, though.

You don't happen to have anything that can get keys

out of a sewer, do you?

If you can find a dry cleaner around here.

Like that dude right there, maybe? Yeah.

Sir? C-Can I bother you for a second?

I've got an issue, and you might have a solution right there.

I got my keys in the sewer.

And so far, everybody that's come by has been like,

"oh, just get a hanger."

I don't have a hanger... But you do.

[ Bugle blows ]

Okay.

Untwist it.

Okay.

I made a car antenna once out of one of these.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

-Oh. -Oh, that's it.

That is so it.

I don't want to make it worse than --

no, no, you got it. This is gonna work!

Easy does it. Easy does it.

Ha ha ha!

Oh!

[ Ding! ]

Thank you. You made my day.

Hey, just hold onto your keys.

They're here, man. They're here.

-They're not going anywhere. -Hold on to 'em.

Keys are through the grate. Isn't that great?

[ Laughs ] Whoops.

Let's whip it.

Loosen up those wrists, hackers.

We're about to figure out the fastest way

to whip cream in hack mail.

Brooke: Plus, Kevin tests a haggling hack

in gaming the system.

Is there a discount for puns?

Will he wind up laughing all the way to the bank?

Find out when the hack comes back.

[ Pinging ]

♪♪

Narrator: The claws come out on the next "Dr. Hack."

[ Siren wails ]

What are you doing here, Dr. Hack?

I can't stop thinking about you.

I've never been out-hacked before,

especially not by some animal quack.

My patients may be cuddlier than yours,

but that doesn't make me any less of a doctor.

I'll have you know, I cuddle with all my patients.

What happened to your hand?

Some cat in the waiting room took a swipe at me.

[ Cat meows ] Let me take a look.

[ Foxy music plays ]

Mild bleeding. No wedding ring.

Is that a proposal?

I propose you make me the happiest woman on earth...

And put this tea bag on the scratch.

[ Groans ] Feels better already.

That's because the tannins in the tea restrict the flow

of blood to the finger and speed up the healing process.

It even works on bruises!

Does it also work on hickeys?

Dr. Foxwell, there's an emergency in the waiting room!

An emergency.

Let's go.

Narrator: To be continued on the next "Dr. Hack."

Hey, Brooke, how's it going?

Not good. I can't get this cream to whip.

Yeah, you've been doing that for like 15 minutes.

Yeah, I know. My arm's killing me.

Why don't we put the bowl down and put the fork down,

and let's back away.

We're gonna get through this...

In this week's hack mail.

Today, my hypoglycemic friend and I are going to test

your hacks for whipping cream when you don't have a mixer.

Now, the hack that gives us the stiffest peaks

with the least amount of effort will be awarded

a highly caloric... [ Clears throat ]

-Hack seal of approval. -Hack seal of approval.

Okay, here we go.

Our first hack comes to us

from Scott in Columbus, Ohio. Scott writes...

Ooh.

Take that to "shark tank."

All right.

We got three forks attached to a chopstick with a rubber band.

It looks pretty sturdy.

Let's whip some cream.

Here we go. You just got to get a lot of air.

You got to lift and get a lot of air.

That's what helps it emulsify, right?

Exactly. Mm-hmm.

Air supports the fat in the cream.

[ Grunts ]

But I think it's thickening a little bit.

I've got a stick whisk of my own that I brought.

Oh, okay. Do you want to get in there?

Pop in there, I can just... I'll give you the --

this is the industrial-mixer version.

Look at that.

Way to go.

Well, here we go. Moment of truth.

And it's a glaze.

That's a soup.

Okay. All right.

Hack number two comes from James in New York City.

Mmm!

Well, I know someone who can pump for 90 seconds.

Yeah.

Okay.

Keep pumping, chump.

I need you -- could you not look at it

and just look at me, please?

Directly in my eyes.

[ Pumping accelerates ]

[ Funky music plays ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Chuckles ]

Gunh!

Kev, it looks really stiff.

Oh. Hey, what do you know --

the French-press hack looks pretty good.

Look at that. It's not even moving around in there.

There wasn't really a whole lot to this hack.

It was kind of hard to mess up.

Throw some cream in a French press and go to town.

Just go to town, yeah.

Peak test -- go!

Ooh.

All right, that's -- it's better.

Here we go. Our third and final hack comes to us

from Wendy in Jacksonville, Florida.

Okay.

Now, this aerator here --

I didn't even know these came off.

They do.

And to create more air as we shake it,

I'm just gonna drop it...

[ Clink ]

...Whoo, right in here.

Well, that's enough. Say when.

And then you're gonna take just a pint glass,

to serve as your lid. Put it in at an angle and --

on you.

Okay, sure. Yeah, I bartended.

Let's go. Let's get this started.

I'm just gonna... Okay, where we at?

Has it been 30 seconds?

It's been like 3, Brooke. It's been about 3 seconds.

Okay.

This sucks.

You got this. You got this, Brooke.

Come on.

Channel your inner Tom Cruise.

Yeah.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Sighs ] Okay.

I think that was 30 seconds, right?

You think that was 30?

Well, get in there with a spoon. Let's see.

Moment of truth, everybody.

Ready?

Yeah!

Here we go.

Boom!

What?! That is some legit whipped cream.

-Brooke! -It worked!

[ Laughing ]

It [bleep] worked!

Oh, it's so good! It's so good!

And that took the least amount of time.

Whoo!

Sorry, to our other hacksters, but, Wendy,

you and your cocktail-whipped-cream hack

get our...

-Hack seal of approval. -Hack seal of approval.

[ Hiss! ]

[ Creak! ]

[ Twinkle! ]

[ Bubbling ]

[ Pop! ]

It's time to take your daily dose of hacks

in today's pop quiz.

Oh. This is just impossible.

Stevie, have you seen my pill cutter?

I can't get this broken in half.

[ Pop! ]

Don't fret, gram gram.

I know a hack to slice those pills in two.

It's time for a pop quiz.

[ Fanfare plays ]

Ooh, I love quizzes and puzzles.

[ Pop! ]

To cut that big old pill, should you use,

"a," a credit card, "b," an elastic band,

or, "c," a pair of doggie nail clippers?

[ Squeak! ]

Well, since I only use my credit card for emergencies,

and this is an emergency,

I'm going to pick "a," the credit card.

[ Buzzer ]

So close.

But the answer is actually "c," the doggie nail clippers.

The round shape of the clippers are the perfect size

to wrap around a pill.

Just dust them off...

[ Blows ]

...place the pill in the clippers,

and slice right down the middle.

Well, would you look at that.

It works like a charm!

Like a hot knife through butter.

Oh, butter. You know, that reminds me.

It was 1934...

[ Pop! ]

Actually, uh, I got to get going, granny,

but it was wonderful chatting with you.

...some people didn't even have food.

Oh, no. My bubble's floating away.

And they would come to buy these cookies.

See you next time on pop quiz.

It's amazing. He was an amazing baker.

Up next... Quit flushing your money away.

We show you how to save big on your next renovation

by gaming the system.

You're a good guy, I'm a good guy.

How about a good-guy discount?

Kevin: Plus, the hangover cures big sobriety

doesn't want you to know about

when the hack bounces back.

[ Retches ]

[ Pinging ]

♪♪

Narrator: On the thrilling conclusion of "Dr. Hack"...

[ Groans ]

What the hell happened?

My dog went on the floor,

and then I slipped in it and sprained my ankle.

-I know what to do. -I know what to do.

Get me the baking soda from the break-room fridge.

And I need a cabbage from the crisper.

You guys make a good team. How long have you been together?

-Oh, we're not. -Oh, we're not.

So it's one of those will-they-or-won't-they

sort of things?

Well...

We don't have time for this nonsense.

I'm gonna sprinkle the baking soda on the floor

to soak up the urine and the smell.

And I'm going to hack a compress out of the cabbage leaves.

Leaves, stat! [ Snap! ]

They contain an anti-inflammatory compound

that should reduce swelling.

[ Grunts ]

I can walk again.

Good.

Now walk on out of here, pal.

Dr. Hack and I have important business to attend to.

Right this way.

We do? Yes.

[ Door closes ]

Meet me in my office --

and bring the cabbage.

There's gonna be lots of swelling to reduce

by time I'm done with you.

[ Funky music plays ]

Narrator: "Dr. Hack" -- he's turning over a new leaf.

The price of retail goods is marked up by an average of 50%,

which basically means the last time you bought something,

you probably paid too much.

Well, not anymore, my friends.

Today, the good guys are fighting back.

It's time to game the system.

Today's hack is the good-guy discount,

which basically means if the salesperson

believes you're a good guy,

that might knock a couple bucks off the total price.

Yeah, it's that simple.

Today's Mark is a hardware store.

So, let's see if we can save a couple dollars.

To test this hack,

I'm gonna pose as a homeowner who's remodeling his bathroom.

My goal is to get the salesperson to warm up to me

with some small talk and charm,

and then I'm gonna ask for a good-guy discount

on my purchase.

And what, pray tell, shall I be buying today?

One of these bad boys.

Pardon me, sir.

Hi. How can I help you today?

Well, I'm doing some remodeling.

Okay.

I don't know squat about toilets. [Chuckles]

No pun intended. [ Chuckles ] No, it was intended.

But I do know nothing about toilets,

and I need one, so I'm hoping you can help me.

Okay.

I didn't introduce myself, I'm sorry. I'm Kevin.

Rudy. Rudy. Pleasure to meet you, Rudy.

Absolutely.

This one here is American standard.

They look fairly similar,

but this one looks a little bit lower than the other guy.

Am I crazy?

It is. It's 14 inches.

That's why we call it the "low rider."

Okay.

And this is the standard 17 inches.

So, like, let's say I went with this guy --

this is about as standard as it gets, right?

Well, try it out. Yeah? Okay.

I mean, I know with cars you kick the tires,

but these guys, you know...

[ Laughs ] See if it's comfortable. Okay.

I actually use -- oh, okay.

Well, Kevin, this unit is $299.

You're [bleep] me, Rudy.

[ Chuckles ]

$299?

Uh, yeah. It -- it is $299.

Ooh.

But it's a fantastic model.

I knew it'd be a little pricy.

That's a little outside of the range

that I wanted to be in, unfortunately. Uh...

It's actually a good price.

I'm sure it is, but, unfortunately,

it's a little outside of where I wanted to be.

Now, listen, you're a good guy, I'm a good guy.

How about a good-guy discount?

What's a good-guy discount?

[ Chuckles ]

It's a thing where, you know, you're a good guy

and I'm a good guy, so you go, "hey, let me see what I can do,"

or maybe you have, like, a -- I don't know, like,

an employee discount or something you could do?

Give me a minute, all right?

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Rudy. Appreciate it.

[ Sighs ]

Okay. [ Sighs ]

We don't have a good-guy discount.

But I can give you an open-box discount,

which means I can give you a new unit

for the floor-model display price.

Okay.

That's 20% off.

That's fantastic. What is that?

Comes out to $239 plus tax.

I appreciate that. Let's do it.

Ring me up. Let's do it.

Okay, come on.

[ Ding! ]

Ha ha ha! The good-guy discount -- it works!

It's a thing.

And not because you used those magical words,

but because people are people.

So, if you're nice and remember their name

and establish a rapport, and want to save a couple bucks,

it never hurts to ask.

[ Snaps fingers ] That's how you game the system.

♪♪

Kevin: Close your laptop

and throw your smartphone down a well.

We're bringing the Internet's craziest hackers to your TV.

It's worldwide hacks.

[ Windows fanfare ] [ Click! ]

Welcome to worldwide hacks -- a veritable show-and-tell

of the best hacks the Internet has to offer.

Today's hack comes from a Florida urologist

who puts an interesting spin on the 7-iron.

Announcer: Introducing the uroclub.

It looks like an ordinary golf club,

but contains a reservoir built into the grip

to relieve yourself.

The uroclub comes with a towel,

and appears that you are just checking out your club.

Kevin: Coming to us now via Skype,

the man behind this crazy hack, it's Dr. Floyd seskin.

Dr. Seskin, I want to thank you so much

for joining us on the show.

So, you essentially hacked a mobile urinal.

Right. that's what it is.

Where did you come up with this magnificent idea?

I'm a urologist. [ Click! ]

Several years ago, I was sitting with a patient

after I had operated on his prostate.

Before the surgery, he would intentionally

slice his ball into the woods

just so he could relieve himself.

And that's when it hit me.

Announcer: Order now -- the uroclub,

the only club in your bag

guaranteed to keep you out of the woods.

Does anyone use this as like a putter,

you know, at the same time?

Well, it's a 7-iron,

because I needed to get something

that wouldn't stand out,

and I would get about 500cc of volume in the handle.

That's about the average bladder load?

Yeah, I would say so.

Does this look healthy to you, because I don't --

Kevin. Kevin [bleep] Damn.

Drink some water. Yeah.

Well, the demo on this one should be self-explanatory,

but just for the folks at home...

You know, you'd have your privacy towel on, of course.

Then you just pour one out for the homies.

Whoo! Makes me got to go.

[ Click! ]

You have a pretty good stream, I might add.

Thank you. Normally, this costs 20 tokens on a webcam,

but I'm doing it for free, doc.

And there we go. Not a problem.

Hey.

This seal should be secure enough that I could

turn this golf club upside down...

I certainly hope so. ...I'm not gonna get any leakage?

Okay, and...

[ Drum roll ]

You're good.

Yay!

Oh, it's good, doc! It's so good!

Congrats to you and your pipe fitter.

Dr. Seskin, thank you so much for creating the uroclub

and sharing your hacks with us.

Bye.

[ Click! ]

[ Retches ]

Hang in there, people. Go ahead and make it a double.

Hacks to heal your hangover when we return.

[ Pinging ]

♪♪

Kevin: There are two types of people in this world --

those who embrace hacks and those who reject them.

[ Sniffles ]

Brooke: To see which type gets better results,

we're going to do a side-by-side comparison

in hacker vs. Slacker.

[ Snoring ]

Hacker Sam and slacker Sam

both went to a bachelorette party last night.

[ Alarm beeps, rooster crows ]

But slacker Sam wakes up feeling like there's

a rabid badger in her stomach.

That's because she ended the evening with pizza in bed.

Those olives and extra garlic

sure tasted better six hours ago.

[ Retches ]

[ Bell dings ]

Hacker Sam, meanwhile, wakes up with pep in her step...

[ Birds chirping, harp strums ]

...and detoxifying vitamin d in her system

because she munched on whole-grain toast before bed.

Good call, hacker Sam.

Time to hit the bathroom.

Slacker Sam starts her morning routine with a cup of Joe.

Too bad coffee is a diuretic

that will drain her already-depleted system

of nutrients.

And, contrary to popular belief,

a cold shower won't help her wake up.

It only provides a temporary jolt of adrenaline.

[ Woman screams ]

[ Bang! ]

Hacker Sam, on the other hand, cranks up the hot water

to hack her shower into a personal sauna.

Getting toxins out of her system will be no sweat.

Plus, as she steams, she sips on tomato juice,

which is loaded with lycopene, to reduce inflammation.

Tomato, to-mah-to.

Anyway you slice it, it's a great hack.

Slacker Sam's headache just won't quit,

so she makes a lunch date with the couch

and a bag of frozen peas.

[ Moans ]

Looks like this slacker is down for the count.

But hacker Sam is ready to rise up and meet the day.

Before heading out, she does a quick headstand

to stimulate her nervous system and increase mental alertness.

Now, that's using the old noggin.

Don't be like slacker Sam.

Be like hacker Sam and start hacking your life today.

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