Original subtitles

Pereira: Over the past two seasons,

we've shown you hundreds of hacks.

Now one family will put hacking to the ultimate test

as they attempt to survive three long months

living on hacks alone.

Will a life of hacking bring them together...

Or tear them apart?

Stop taking my socks!

Stewie: I'm not here to make friends.

I'm here to hack.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Crying ] Just want to go home.

Pereira: Find out on the series premiere of "hack house."

Van poppelen: Tonight... Whoo! Whoo!

...on "hack my life"...

Step right up! Take a sniff!

...turn up that smell-o-vision.

We hit the streets to hack your halitosis.

It smelled like wild forest.

[ Laughter ]

Pereira: Plus candle hacks to see you through the next storm.

Oh, this is so delightful.

It's, like, spitting hot butter at you.

Van poppelen: A trick to turn your old ride

into a smokin' hot car-b-cue.

I got Salisbury on there! I got to get up to speed!

Pereira: And more hack-filled action

from inside the hack house.

It's lasagna!

Pereira: Big hacker is watching.

This is "hack my life."

[ Muffled ] Hey, kev!

[ Normal voice ] I got your favorite.

Oh, burgers. Again. Yeah.

What did you expect on a road trip?

It's not like you're gonna get farm-to-table food.

Au contraire, bvp.

See, underneath the hood of this bad beast right here

is a full-blown grill ready to take a meal from zero to 60.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

This is hack or wack?

Welcome to the glorious car-b-cue.

Yeah!

Uh, we're gonna cook with an engine.

How do we even do this?

Well, basically,

we treat the engine like it's a giant steamer.

The baseline speed is 65 miles per hour.

Oh. And you don't measure your cooking times in minutes.

You measure it in miles.

Let's say you want to cook up some shrimp.

35 miles. How about some sal-mon?

Sal-mon? You're gonna be going about 40 miles.

Or for steak, you're gonna be driving 50 to 60 miles.

Waiter, I've been waiting 60 miles for my steak.

[ Laughs ]

Why are we doing this?

Because we can.

We are starting the evening with a lovely warmed brie,

then moving on to our entrée of steamed salmon

with asparagus and dill.

The most important thing here is...

The foil.

Double-wrap all of your food items.

It keeps the ingredients of the food off your car

and the car out of the flavor of your food.

Now, the exhaust manifold is the hottest part of the engine bay,

so this is where you want to secure your food

using some baling wire.

Strap your hard-to-cook items there,

and then your veggies or anything else can go around it.

Brooke, you ready? Okay.

All right. Gonna go. Let's go.

[ Tires screech ] Whoa!

Beast mode.

Like, this is pretty casual driving,

but I think the real test of the hack is, like,

if you were doing some of this...

Yeah, yeah. Kev.

Is there gonna be fish juice everywhere?

I mean, we wrapped it pretty tightly in foil, so...

I'm gonna guess this is how accidents in L.A. happen.

Mm-hmm. A lot of people cooking on their engine.

I got Salisbury on there!

I got to get up to speed!

Who's hungry?

♪♪

Oh, boy. These are gonna be hot.

Okay. Hot. Yeah.

Oh, oh.

But foil cools off pretty quickly.

Yeah, yeah. You'll be all right.

Toasty brie.

Ooh. This is, like, keeping me warm right now.

Yeah.

All right.

Dig right in, huh? Oh, no, no, no.

We got to wait for our guests.

♪♪

How do you know these guys again?

Uh, they're truckers.

Oh! Yeah.

Fellas, this is my friend Brooke.

Nice to meet you all.

They've got trucking experience. Okay.

Any of you ever cooked a meal with your car's engine?

Not with the engine,

but I have cooked it with the dashboard.

What? Hot pocket.

Sit it on the dashboard and just drive around.

A couple hours later, it'll be warm enough for you.

[ Laughter ]

Pereira: All right.

Well, if that's the level of acceptance,

these meals might actually turn out fine for you guys.

It all starts right here, if you want to unwrap it.

Let me check it out.

[ Felipe laughing ]

All right.

Van poppelen: That is some warm brie.

That's fancy, man.

And then, the entrée --

steamed dill salmon and some asparagus.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Pereira: How's that salmon looking?

Los: Take a look at that, guys.

Felipe: That looks good, man.

Yeah, but the real question is how does it taste?

♪♪

That is pretty good.

Great. Oh. Compliments to the chef.

I don't taste radiator fluid or anything.

Oh, good. Okay.

I'm dying to know about the asparagus.

I don't want to be picky,

but it is a little bit overcooked. Oh.

It's weird, 'cause it sounds exactly like that's what you're being.

[ Laughter ]

Would you have ever guessed

that this meal was cooked on a car's engine?

No. Not at all. Pereira: Really?

Man: No way.

It is good. It's pretty awesome.

I'm surprised. This is delicious.

Pereira: Here's what it comes down to.

Is this hack or wack?

For me... That's a very good hack, man.

That's one. Wow. All right. We got one.

Definitely a hack.

Two. You got the final say.

Man, to be able to be driving

and have this kind of quality food,

I am giving it a capital "h" on that one.

Three. We did it, bvp. All right!

The car-b-cue is a hack.

Pleasantly surprised.

I am pleasantly surprised, too.

This is better than some of my girlfriend's cooking that I've had.

[ Laughter ]

I'll take the salmon, though.

Okay. All right.

I'll see you later.

Okay. Write a good review.

♪♪

Pereira: The dishwasher -- cleaner of cutlery,

melter of plastic-ware,

and the chore-eradicating hack from history.

Illinois, 1886.

Josephine Cochrane is frustrated

that her servants keep chipping her fine China.

You just can't find good help these days.

She gets some wire, a wheel, and an old copper boiler

from the shed behind her house and starts hacking.

She tinkers with various designs until 1893.

Josephine debuts her dish-washing contraption

at the Chicago world's fair.

Judges award it the prize for best mechanical construction.

You like me. You really like me!

But its large size

makes it impractical for use by the general public.

England, 1924.

Weapons designer William livens

applies his expertise to the war on grime.

So long, mustard gas.

Hello, mustard stains!

He hacks together a rotating sprayer

so effective at blasting away gunk

that the size of large dishwashers

can be drastically reduced.

So here's to you, dishwasher.

May you continue cleaning food off of our plates

and putting water stains onto our glasses.

What a great hack from history!

Van poppelen: Up next, no pump, no problem.

Ugh.

Brooke, I think the bag broke.

Pereira: We test hacks to save your sleepover.

Ah! Plus...

This place is crazy.

Pereira: ...Find out if a family can live on hacks alone...

Is it me or did that dishwasher just cook lasagna?

Van poppelen: ...When "hack house" returns.

♪♪

Pereira: It's the Robinsons' first night in the hack house.

Stewie: Walking into hack house for the first time,

and this place is crazy.

There's stuff everywhere, but there's no food in sight.

There's nothing in here.

[ Sighs ]

Angela: There isn't even an oven.

Just binder clips and duct tape?

Guys, over here.

There's got to be food in there, right?

[ Bell dings ]

Ugh. Ugh.

"Looking for food? I've got your back.

Check out what's hidden on your dishwasher's rack."

♪♪

Oh, my god. It's lasagna!

[ Laughs ]

Is it me, or did that dishwasher just cook lasagna?

It's not you, dad.

It's hack house.

Pereira: A welcome meal

may have helped the family through tonight,

but will they be able to handle the hacking from here?

I am not [Bleep] eating that.

Find out when "hack house" returns.

So, you've invited your bff over for a sleepover

and you think you're all set

'cause you got your favorite snacks, pjs,

really comfy air mattresses.

Then you realize your best friend forgot the pump.

[ Air mattress squeaks ] All right.

Let's not cancel the pillow fight just yet.

We've got some hacks that'll save your sleepover

and the air mattress in this hack vs. Hack.

So, here's the story.

Kev and I each have a deflated, saggy air mattress

and no air pump in sight.

Whoever inflates their mattress the fastest

will be declared the winner.

The loser will, of course, have to sleep in the soggy spot.

Saggy spot. The saggy spot.

No, no, no. Soggy spot.

Ugh.

All right. My hack's pretty easy.

I've got a hair dryer and a water bottle.

I'm gonna just snip off the top of this bottle.

So, you're gonna use this funnel to guide the air into the air mattress.

Use the "cool" setting on your hair dryer

so that you don't melt the plastic.

And this thing's gonna blow up in like one minute.

Oh, that sounded like a laundry list of loser-y instructions.

Let me tell you about the real hack

that is going to win here today.

It involves a garbage bag and a straw.

I'm going to snip about an inch of this straw,

and I'm going to take a corner of the bag

from the end that is not naturally open for trash,

feed it through the straw, and then snip off the tip.

♪♪

Mazel tov.

After inserting the straw into the nozzle,

I can tape it in place to make the funnel

that the air will flow through.

So, while you're down there losing,

I'm gonna be up here trapping this bag with air,

cinching it up,

and then squeezing it all right into the mattress,

all the way to victory. Okay.

May the best hack win.

Okay. Here we go. My hack.

♪♪

[ Air horn sounds ]

[ Hair dryer whirring ]

♪♪

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Get in there!

Get in there, air!

Oh, oh, oh!

A big gulp!

Oh! Look at it go!

♪♪

Oh, look at it going in.

And I can feel it blowing out, too.

♪♪

Oh!

♪♪

Elbow. Okay.

I can't hear you over the sound of my sweet victory.

I don't know.

That was about three minutes over here. How are you doing?

I think it's clear.

In terms of time and effort...

The hair dryer and water bottle is the clear winner.

Okay, that's... A weird criteria to use,

but, yes, if we're going by that,

the hair-dryer hack is the winner.

[ Bell dings ]

Here you go, buddy.

Thank you.

Sweet dreams. I'm a winner.

I always win 'cause I'm the best.

Shh.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, kev.

Van poppelen: Up next, we light things on fire

because you told us to.

Now, that's shaping up to be

quite the nice little fire hazard there.

See which of your candle hacks

burns the brightest when we return.

♪♪

Pereira: It's day 45 in the hack house.

Angela: Things in the hack house are going pretty smoothly.

Stewie!

For most of us.

How many times do I have to tell you? Stop taking my socks!

Haven't you heard of hacking, Liz?

They're not socks. They're seat warmers.

[ Scoffs ] Get over yourself.

Liz: Once, again, that little punk stewie

has put my socks on the toilet.

If you want to put socks on the toilet seat, use your own.

Mom!

Stewie keeps taking my stuff, and I am sick of it.

Honey, please don't fight with your brother.

[ Scoffs ]

Ugh!

You, too?

You guys are the worst!

♪♪

Cute pots.

Right? Yeah.

Yeah.

I hate these stupid hacks!

♪♪

[ Snoring ]

[ Animal howling ] Oh, god.

Kevin, where are you? I can't see you.

It's so dark in here. Brooke.

Do we have any candles? What was that?!

It's me talking to you.

I'm standing right next to you. Oh! Oh.

And we're gonna make some candles right now.

It's a spooky edition of tumblr's hack mail.

Today, we're testing out three of your hacks

for making emergency candles.

That's right.

We're gonna build three hacks,

then we're gonna shut off all the lights.

And whichever hack burns the brightest

will be awarded our coveted...

Hack seal of approval! Hack seal of approval!

Let's hack some candles.

Hack number one comes to us from Sammi,

a kindergarten teacher from Florida.

Sammi writes...

I say start with the least-used col--

like, why is white even a color in the box?

Oh, just don't even -- it doesn't

get out of here, you privileged crayon.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, look. Here's a bundle. Okay.

By burning the bottoms, they'll get a little waxy,

and we can press it into the tinfoil.

Ooh. Okay.

If any lands on me, just tell me why I deserve it.

Okay. Thank you.

All right.

Now that our crayon candle is built,

we're gonna move on to our second hack.

We'll come back to it. Okay.

Hack number two.

Carl writes...

[ Blows ]

All we need to get started is good ol' fashioned can of tuna.

Just poke a hole in the top.

Touchdown.

So, now we feed some string on into it? Yes.

We're working the oil up and down that string

so that we've got a little bit of a wick to work with.

And then we'll clip the string off from there.

We're moving on to our third and final hack.

Ooh, hoo, hoo.

This comes to us from Sarah,

who's a pastry chef in Washington.

Wow.

This is such an all-American hack.

Like, "oh, can we put butter in it?

Wrap it bacon, deep-fry it, you got yourself a candle."

I'm gonna cut this stick in half, right.

I'll be in charge of the tp. Okay.

Gonna roll it up like so. I see

now we can use this to shove our wick down into the butter.

And that's our third candle hack.

No idea if that's gonna work or not.

There's only one way to find out, Brooke.

Should we set the mood?

Let's set the mood.

Time for the moment of truth.

First up, our crayon candle.

♪♪

I think you want to catch

a little bit of the paper on the side.

Oh, the suspense, Kevin!

Oh! The suspense!

I'm doing it!

I'm doing it! It's melting!

It's kind of burning my thumb a little bit.

There's some sort of waxy flame going on on that side.

It's burning blue.

Okay.

But that was a lot of work to get it there.

Okay.

Now let's light up this tuna can.

God help us. There we go.

There we go. That one was much easier.

So simple to set up.

It's gonna be a game changer

once it kind of travels down into the can.

We'll see what happens.

It's already getting a little dimmer.

No, don't go. No, hack.

Come on, hack. Stay in this, buddy!

You got this!

I was gonna rim the bathtub with a bunch of tuna cans tonight,

create a sensual atmosphere.

Oh, yeah. You deserve that.

[ Sighs ]

All right. Let's see how butter does.

Don't let me down.

Been my friend all these years.

Whoa! Oh, my god.

That was pretty easy. Go, butter!

Butter is -- burn, baby.

Flame is actually pretty strong.

It smells like mom's home-cooking in here.

So, what do you say we review and give an award?

Well, let's start with the crayons.

I just feel like there's a lot of steps involved

for an okay result.

An okay flame.

Technically, our can of tuna is still burning,

but it's just a tiny, tiny little Ember.

And last but certainly not least,

we got half a stick of butter.

Look at this! I'm super impressed.

It's adorable. Yes.

I like that it's holding its shape.

And I think it's gonna burn for a while.

It really hasn't melted all that far down.

Oh, sweet Sarah.

Your delectable butter hack has, in fact,

earned you our hack seal of approval!

Pereira: Don't blow anywhere.

We hit the streets with our stinkiest spot the hack yet...

Oh! Automatic recoil there.

...when we return.

♪♪

Pereira: It's day 90, and after three long months,

it's finally time for the Robinsons

to pack up and leave hack house.

Stewie: My time in hack house has been seriously amazing.

I'm really gonna miss this place.

But I know with my pool noodle by my side,

I can handle anything the real world throws at me.

Dave: There's been some ups and downs here at hack house,

but I know I've made some friends that I'll keep for a lifetime.

So long, Marcus, Steven, th-Thomas.

I'll never forget you.

Liz: No, I don't like hacking.

Give me back my sock!

Like, just go get the actual thing that you need, you know?

Angela: This has been a life-changing experience.

I didn't know they were gonna lock us in.

But being trapped in a tiny building for three months

has really brought us together as a family.

Pereira: How will these hackers readjust

to life outside the hack house?

Who cares? They're not our problem anymore.

Mmm.

[ Chuckles ]

I was like, "hardly even know her."

[ Laughter ]

Oh!

Oh! Whew! Bad breath.

Hey, it happens to all of us, and right now,

that's why I'm joined by Alexis and Michelle,

two very lovely ladies with some very stanky pizza breath.

So today, we're gonna try to hack their halitosis

in this spot the hack.

We're going to invite the public into out whiffing booth

to see if they can spot the difference

between store-bought mouthwash

that's been used to freshen breath

or our hacked version.

Let's make some mouthwash.

We start with a cup of warm water.

Now, I need the juice of two lemons in there, please.

We need 1/2 tablespoon of cinnamon.

1/2 tablespoon of baking soda.

And then, finally, just 1/2 tablespoon of honey.

That's gonna sweeten it up.

So, our hacked mouthwash is made,

but before we get to using it,

we got to put some hate in our stank holes.

That is jalapeños, onions, and garlic.

Whew! How are you guys doing?

We're doing great.

Oh, yeah. There it is.

It's terrible? Yeah.

I mean, I'm leaning. I'm leaning.

And this isn't for ab work.

Now that these mouths could do some serious damage,

we're gonna go ahead and clear them out --

one with our hacked mouthwash,

the other with a store-bought variety.

[ Gargling ] Step right up.

Take a whiff!

We got some mouths that need a sniff!

How about you two gentlemen?

Ladies, hello, hello, hello. Hey.

Don't be shy. Come on up.

We have to all get real close tonight,

because you have just arrived at our whiffing booth.

Michelle and Alexis were just chowing down on this pizza,

and then they freshened their breath.

One used a store-bought mouthwash.

The other used a hacked home mouthwash,

and we want to see if you guys can spot the hack.

Great. So, go ahead, Michelle.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

It smelled like wild forest.

[ Laughter ]

This feels like a weird Russian dating show.

Pereira: I'm sorry.

♪♪

Oh. Oh.

Okay, that was an automatic recoil there.

I think Michelle's smelled a stronger, fresher smell.

I feel like I'm getting some hints of cinnamon in there.

Pereira: Oh.

Cinnamon-y. Yeah.

Just smells fresh.

A little too sanitary.

A little bit too store-bought, perhaps.

And what about Alexis' breath?

That one smelled more like pizza.

Pereira: Oh, okay.

Smelled like she had a busy, busy night.

[ Laughter ]

It is like a Tokyo subway.

[ Laughter ]

A little too much packed in there.

[ Laughter ]

So, who's mouth did we hack tonight, ladies?

So, I think Alexis has the hacked one.

Love to play the odds on this one, but I agree with her.

I would speculate that probably Alexis used the homemade one.

Michelle has the hack.

I think Alexis used the hack.

I think Alexis used the hacked mouthwash.

All right. Let's find out.

All right.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ooh!

What?!

Oh. Interesting.

Michelle had the hacked mouthwash.

What do you know? Surprise, surprise.

Isn't that crazy?

That was conclusive as can be.

Only one person was able to spot the hack.

They fooled us.

They really did.

Since it worked so well, I'd definitely try it.

So, the next time you want kissably fresh breath,

forget the pharmacy.

Head to the pantry.

You guys want some seconds?

No. No.

You sure you don't want to -- mm, no.

Just a little -- no.

Um, I do not know how to drive an automatic.

Oh. That's a problem, 'cause I don't either.

I'll just try it. I'll turn the thing.

Yeah. [ Engine starts ]

Oh. All right. Okay.

I've seen other people do it.

Phase one complete. I think you just --

now I press here. [ Horn honks ]

Nope. No.

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