Original subtitles

Kevin: On a very special episode of "Dr. Hack",

[ doorbell rings ]

Dr. Hack, making a house call.

Thank you for coming, doctor.

I got myself into some hot water.

Hmm.

I burned my finger making tea.

Can you help, Dr. Hack?

Yes, I can.

Apply this mustard to the burn and let it dry.

It contains acidic acid -- a component of aspirin

that reduces pain and inflammation.

Like this?

No.

Like this.

♪♪

Mm.

Ow.

What is going here?

Kevin: Has Dr. Hack been caught with his hand

in the mustard jar for the last time?

Find out when we return.

Brooke: Tonight, on "hack my life"...

Step right in, easy to win.

Brooke: Sick of feeling like a loser at the carnival?

Oh!

Kevin: An insider shows us

how to game the system and win big.

Ah!

Plus... -Thrash!

...hair gel hacks that could survive a rock concert.

Oh [bleep] [ Whistle blows ]

Brooke: Soccer hacks that'll have your team kicking major ass.

[ Boing! ] Ugh.

Kevin: And the hack to turn bottom-shelf bourbon...

Bottoms up, guys.

...into top-shelf booze.

De-fense, De-fense!

Get hack-cited.

Brooke: It's "hack my life".

5, 6, 7, 8...

[ Rock music plays ]

Ah! Stop!

Stop. Just take five, you guys.

Everybody knows rock stars

are supposed ruin hotel rooms, not their hair.

But you can't shred a sweet solo without messing up your style.

Or can you?

We're going to find out right now in this "hack vs. Hack"!

Today, we are pitting two hair gel hacks

against each other in head-to-head combat.

In this corner, Philly rocker and mohawk star, Sean!

Philly rocks!

And his opponent, Toronto thrasher, Ms. Ashley!

♪♪

Now, you guys are no strangers to the mohawk.

-Yep. -Oh, yeah.

What do you normally use to style your hair?

Gel, hair spray.

Pomade Clay, spray mousse -- all of it.

It's tough to be a rock star.

Someone's gotta do it.

So, today we have two very different hacks

that could take the place of hair gel in a pinch.

Ashley, you've got... Glue.

Love it.

What about getting it out?

Just some hot water, conditioner -- it should work.

All right, you've got it.

Now, Sean, you've got something very different.

Gel toothpaste.

At least I'll be minty.

I mean, I'm really excited to see if this holds up.

Folks, the rules for this hack vs hack are very simple.

You will make the best mohawk that you can, using your hack.

You will then thrash about like a true rock star for 30 seconds

and when time is up, whoever's mohawk is standing the tallest

will be declared the winner.

Pop it right in there -- wasting no time.

Sean with globs of gel toothpaste in his hair.

It is dripping down his face.

Asheley's getting the glue in there.

And to be clear, this is not a timed competition,

but I do appreciate the rock-star hustle.

This is good.

You're going down, girl.

Yeah, right.

♪♪

You've used this before, Ashley?

No, but I'm going to, now.

It's holding so well.

[ Whirring ]

Sean's still smiling?

It's tingly.

Yeah. Okay.

We're done applying the hacks.

Now Sean and Ashley will wield their plastic axes.

30 seconds on the clock.

May the rock gods smile favorably

upon your disgusting heads.

3, 2, 1. Thrash!

[ Rock music plays ]

Okay. All right. Sean is crushing the chords.

But there is toothpaste melting down his forehead.

Ashley's hair isn't moving at all.

Back up, Ashley. Back it up.

All right, five seconds!

4...

3...

2...

1...

That is it!

That was exhausting for me, and I was merely observing.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

The front part of the 'hawk

is just trying to reach out to me.

Just like a tentacle in hentai, it's trying to absorb my soul.

It dyed your hair white.

Eyebrows are kind of burning a little bit.

I will never do this to my hair again.

[ Laughter ]

We gotta see what happened with Ashley.

Ashley, what do you think?

Yeah.

Kind of looks like it did exactly when you started.

Looks great. Going to use this all the time.

In the battle of toothpaste vs. Glue...

The clear choice was glue.

Congrats, Ashley, you win our hack vs. Hack.

And as your prize,

you get to lead the band through one final jam sesh.

[ Rock music plays ]

Oh! Geez.

♪♪

[ Clatter ]

All right, everybody,

today's the day we stop effing up omelets in a frying pan.

[ Crash! ]

All you need to hack yourself a perfect omelet

is a plastic bag.

So, what do you say? Let's getcrackin'.

[ Sloop! ]

Get it?Crackin'... Eggs.

[ Canned laughter ]

I'm going to take the plastic bag, place it inside a bowl.

I'm going to crack two eggs into the bag.

What you want to do is manually scramble the eggs.

Mm, doesn't this look delicious?

[ Canned laughter ]

'Kay, let's put some ingredients in here.

As always, I'm putting cheese in this bitch -- you kiddin'?

And for a little bit of health,

we'll add some tomatoes, as well.

Hmm. Just give it a nice, sensual squeeze.

It feels...

Oddly familiar. [ Audience member wolf-whistles ]

So now you're going to seal up your bag,

but leave a tiny little vent on the side.

You don't want the bag to fully, like, blow up once it's cooking.

Take this bag and just place it

ever-so-gently into the boiling water.

Once you've dropped your omelet, go live your life --

for 13 minutes.

When you come back, you're going to have a perfect omelet.

[ Ticking, ding! ]

Let's get this guy out of the pot.

Ooh.

Egg-cellent. [ Canned laughter ]

You guys!

We hacked an omelet in a plastic bag!

This is perfection.

I'm going to cook the rest of my food in plastic bags forever.

Nice and steamy.

Kevin: Up next...

[ Whistle blows ]

...soccer hacks that'll turn your backyard

into a major-league powerhouse.

Brooke: And... -Go!

...we take tumblr out to the ball game.

My ass is raw.

Tricks to cushion your junk in the trunk when we return.

Kevin: On the next chilling installment of "Dr. Hack"...

Dr. Hack, I presume.

Honey, what areyou

I have a toothache.

PerhapsI

what, you want me to rub mustard on my tooth?

No, I want you to rub an ice cube...

Here -- between your thumb and index finger.

Like this.

♪♪

It's an acu-pressure point that corresponds with the mouth,

while the cold sensation neutralizes the pain.

Is the same side as your toothache?

-Uh-huh. -Then we're doing this right.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, Dr. Hack, we thought you might be here.

I have a migraine.

Let's get you inside, stat!

-Oh, come on. -Damn it.

Kevin: Will our doctor be able to hack her headache?

Tune in to find out.

De-fense, De-fense!

I could use some of that defense right now -- on my derriere.

My ass is raw!

Ohh.

'Cause these bleachers, they're so tough.

Fortunately for you, kev, today we're testing out

some hacks to cushion your butt cheeks.

This is tumblr's hack mail.

Hack #1 comes from Sandra.

You could also just sit on a bag of rice,

but, hey, whatever. I guess it wouldn't be a hack.

We got a big ol' sack of rice here.

Oh, wow! Sorry about that.

Yeah, that's heavy.

We got a pillow case. Ready?

Yeah. Hold on -- oh.

I'm going to pour it from up high.

Okay. It's more visually appealing.

Yeah. We're getting it.

Okay. That's probably enough.

Man, this gets pretty heavy.

Well, you want it heavy-duty for that Booty.

That was the entire "birds and the bees" talk

that my father gave me.

That's good advice, dad.

You want to try this out?

Just really like... Oh.

...move around, get some...

Oh, yeah. Oh, I really li-- hello!

Oh, one was standing upright?

One grain really... Figured it out.

This is way more comfortable

than the harsh steel of the bleacher.

Sandra, you really catered to our needs.

Hack #2. Alex writes...

All right, Alex.

These are the regular gel packs you'd throw in your freezer

to get them nice and cold and use them as a compress.

You know what, I think we could size them

and slip them into our pockets.

Okay. I'm a two, right?

Am I a two row? You're a tight three.

Okay. Or a loosey two.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Yeah. Like so?

Yeah. We have touchdown!

All right, let's see.

Stuff the whole thing in there.

I can do, like, a three by three.

Three by three? Ooh!

What? I punctured it.

I'm trying to do an a-b test.

A -- cold steel, no gel pack.

B -- really no difference whatsoever.

Really? Okay. A -- cold.

B -- waste of time and money.

Let's move it on to our third and final hack.

Let's. Sam writes...

Oh, I bet.

So, on one side -- something that looks like this.

Tennis balls cut in half and glued to a board.

Flip it over...

You have your vague support or threat for a team.

Go! Go!

Go, go, go!

And now, time for some support. [ Pop! ]

Oh, that's not a happy baby!

I don't know what kind of butt this guy has.

Check this out. Okay. All right.

Ooh, daddy no likey. Oh, no!

I think it's braille for "uncomfortable".

That's what my butt just read. Yeah.

Okay, well, let's review.

Let's. Shall we?

Starting with the tennis balls,

since it's fresh in our minds and our butts.

Left quite an impression... On my ass.

I did not like the way it felt.

No! I'm not a fan.

What about the gel packs?

The gel packs, they can explode --

it looks like you wet your pants.

Might as well just buy a cushion.

That leaves us with our last hack,

the pillow cased filled with rice.

It was comfortable, it contoured to your body.

I felt like it was cheap, easy.

Sandra, congrats to you

and your pillow case filled with rice hack.

You just got our...

Both: ..."Hack seal of approval"!

If you're watching this right now and thinking,

"oh, man, I want my hacks on the show"...

Right. ...Well, stop dreaming, silly.

Just go to our website.

It's easy. It's...

Check it out and submit.

Good hustle, Tommy!

There's no one out there, Kevin.

Is this even a stadium?

[ Crickets chirping ]

Kevin: Sometimes ordinary people do extraordinary things,

all in the name of hacking.

[ Whistle blows ]

People like Susan.

Since she's started coaching her son's soccer team,

she's led the pint-sized pelés to four straight championships.

Now the drive for five is on

and Susan wants to add another trophy to that shelf.

Because she's a "hack hero"!

Susan wants to make sure

the team starts off on the right foot.

That's why she's hacking apart this old yoga mat

to create comfy cleat insoles!

Now her team will be blister free

from kickoff until the final whistle blows.

Time to take the field.

And boy, does this team know how to make an entrance.

Susan knows practice will determine

if her team sinks or swims.

And that's why she's harnessing the power of pool noodles!

By bending those flexible tubes into all sorts of shapes,

Susan creates an agility drill obstacle course

that keeps her players on their toes.

Let's go!

[ Moans ]

Kevin: Uh-oh, looks like

there's an injury on the pitch.

Susan's son has a cramp,

and she can't lose him to the disabled list.

So she nurses her all-star back to full health with...

Pickle juice!

It may be bitter to swallow,

but those electrolytes in the brine

loosen up that leg cramp in record time.

When it comes to scoring goals, speed is all well and good,

but Susan knows that accuracy matters most.

To make sure the team is on target,

she's hacked two holes out of a shower curtain --

to create a penalty-kick practice target.

Hey, you better get that right foot under control

by game day, kid.

Both: Look out!

Kevin: Yikes! Coach takes a vicious header.

Thankfully, Susan's son makes a fast break

towards the cooler and grabs a home-made ice pack!

The slushie mix of rubbing alcohol and water

helps get her head back in the game.

Great work out there, coach!

By harnessing the power of hacks

you help your team achieve all its gooooooals!

Hack on, hack hero.

Brooke: Time to game the system, hackers.

It's a quarter and a plate. There's not a lot you could do.

But there is.

Kevin: A carnival insider reveals a trick

to help you clean up at the coin toss.

[ Cheering ]

Brooke: When the hack comes back.

Kevin: Tonight, on the climactic conclusion of "Dr. Hack"...

A migraine is no fun,

but there is something we can do to help.

First, you're going to want to dim the light.

Then play some music to set the mood.

[Mellow music plays

and finally, find a comfortable place to lie down!

[ Gasps ]

Oh, Dr. Hack...

[ Beep ]

Oh, my goodness. I feel so much better.

We should lose your meds more often.

I thought that might do the trick.

The brain chemicals released during orgasm

act as a [chuckling] very powerful, natural painkiller.

That can relieve cluster and migraine headaches.

Oh, no, Dr. Hack!

I think I feel another migraine coming on.

Me too.

[ Sighs ]

Kevin: [ Seductive voice ] The doctor is in.

[ Mellow music plays ]

Step right up, win the pretty lady a prize.

Hey, you know, carnivals have been around

since the late 1800s.

There's over 200 years of fleecing your 401k

so you can win an oversized stuffed Teddy bear.

It's a system rigged against you.

But can these games be gamed?

We're going to find out in today's "gaming the system".

To help us pull the curtains back on these crooked carnivals,

we're joined by gino,

a man with over 23 years of experience

in the carnival game.

There's a notion that, like,

all carnivals are crooked, but is that the case?

Yes, that's correct.

Really?! They're all crooked?

Yeah, absolutely.

Dart at the balloon.

Two darts will have a sharp tip, one won't.

Is the three pointer -- is that corrupt?

The long-range, they bend in the rim.

Ping-pong ball into a vase, I win a fish.

By the morning it's dead.

So today, we're tying to hack the coin toss.

It's a plate and a coin.

-Yeah. -You can't rig that.

Right? You'd think, but the plates, they're waxed.

Slicker than a hockey puck on ice.

You guys want to try it out to see for yourself?

Yeah. That's more money for me right there.

Okay, hold on, I got something.

Oh! Ah!

So, as you can see, far harder than it appears to be.

How do you game this system?

It's a quarter and a plate. There's not a lot you could do.

You'd think that, right?

But there is something you can do.

Soap and gum.

Remember, the problem is the plates are very slick. Right.

Soap isn't slick.

It will slow down the coins and some will stick.

What about gum, though?

You chew some gum, stick a little of the gum

on the bottom of the coin.

You throw the coin, if it lands on the gummy part,

what do you think is going to happen?

It'll stick.

Let's try it out today, see what happens.

Soap these bad boys up.

I think Kevin's got the slicker hack of the two.

Mine's a little messy and obvious.

I am trying to sort of, like,

get some of the gummy residue on the coin itself.

All right, I'm ready to do this. Are you?

Oh. Why -- Brooke.

Soaps up.

Nope.

Ah!

[ Cheering ]

All right!

Winner! Boom!

It works.

Oh!

You're actually excited,

but you're kind of screwing yourself out of a job, gino.

Okay.

Can't have bounce.

[ Cheering ]

She gets the big one!

Whoa! There goes another winner!

[ Bell dinging ]

You gave us good tips -- they worked.

We got two soapy coins on the plate.

Brooke got one gummed up on there, as well.

But would you be able to spot these hacks?

So, the gum is clear. The soap -- almost invisible.

I'd go with the soap.

Gino, thank you for the expert hacks.

And keep in mind the next time you're at the carnival,

you can, in fact, game the system.

Step right up -- give me that back.

Oh, wait a minute. Hey, who's next? Come on over!

That's fair, you did cheat. You did cheat.

-Cheat? -Hey, you ready?

Kevin: Our winning streak's not over yet.

Mama found a solution to all her problems.

Brooke: Up next, see what a little vanilla can do for your booze.

Where did that shot take ya?

[ Stammers ]

Kevin: When the hack stumbles back.

Ahh, delicious, sweet, smokey bourbon.

The fancy stuff tastes so good, but it costs so much.

I got a hack that'll turn bottom-shelf bourbon

into top-shelf booze.

And all you need is a little smoke.

All right. This is "spot the hack".

Today we're going to see if bar patrons can tell the difference

between the expensive stuff

and the cheap bourbon that we've hacked

using a few household items.

First, you're going to need a very cheap handle of bourbon,

which you can buy at your finest gas station or grocery store.

Yeah, there we go.

Mama found a solution to all her problems.

Yeah. 750 on that.

To make our hacked bourbon taste high end

I'm going to add 3/4 of a teaspoon of vanilla extract.

That is to emulate the taste of the sugars

that are released when bourbon is aged.

Oh, yeah.

So, the liquid smoke sort of gives you that hot wood taste.

It's powerful, so you want three dashes at most.

Sherry -- aged wine.

One tablespoon.

Why is that going in here?

'Cause it just tastes, like, old?

Oh, drinkers!

Let's go, alcoholics.

Come on up, three gentlemen here. Hi.

Here's two more.

Do you think you can tell the difference

between cheap bourbon and expensive bourbon?

I think I know what's good and what's not.

We've got a top-shelf bottle of bourbon.

We also have a "hacked" bourbon.

That means we did something to it

and it will taste like the expensive stuff.

Take a shot of each and spot the hack.

So we're going to do a shot of "a".

Cheers, to your health.

Great, this one's great.

Tastes pretty good.

Yeah, a little smokey, little sweet.

That's legit.

That's legit?

High-end legit. Okay.

Let's take a shot from tray "b".

Kevin: Mm, being an adult is fun!

Okay.

Ah, memories.

Where did that shot take you?

[ Stammers ] A blackout maybe.

[ Laughter ]

-Hmm. -Uh-oh.

Oh a big "hmm" from captain confident.

He don't know!

It's closer than I thought it would be.

It has an aftertaste.

An aftertaste of...?

Pee.

Okay. Just a urinary after-taste.

I don't think anyone peed in there.

Which tray do you think has our hacked bourbon?

"B" is the hack. I'll bet anything on it.

"B" -- we believe "b" was hacked.

I will say "b" is also the hack.

I'm going to say "a" is the hacked.

I'm going to say "a" is the hack.

Agree.

Everyone just got so glossy in the eyes.

Kevin: You can sense it right away.

All right, guys, moment of truth.

The hacked bourbon is...

Oh!

"B" was the hack!

Oh, wow.

Yes!

Yeah!

I thought "b" was the expensive stuff.

Do you want one for the road?

Oh, my god, yeah.

It's already in a to-go jug.

Even better. Thank you.

Four out of seven people were able to spot the hack.

Which, technically means it failed,

but the cheap stuff tasted pretty good

when we were done with it.

We may not have elevated it to top-shelf,

but we brought it up to a nice middle.

Good enough for any lady I've swiped right on.

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