Original subtitles

Kevin: On a shocking episode of "Dr. Hack"...

-What do we have? -Non-lethal spider bite.

It's very sore and itchy.

Aha!

Nurse.

Water.

Clear!

Oh. The pain's gone!

The battery current De-natured the bite's venom,

neutralizing the pain.

But some pain can never be neutralized.

Dr. Love! What are you doing here?

They transferred me from county.

The only doctor we need from county

is one who can mend a broken heart.

Kevin: Will Dr. Love ever be forgiven?

Find out on the next "Dr. Hack."

Tonight on "hack my life"...

-Let's get to hacking! -All right.

Yeah! [ Baby crying ]

Brooke: Don't cry.

We've got baby-toting hacks for hands-off dads.

Brooke: Here he goes.

Kevin: Down the slide. Oh, he's crowning.

Kevin: Plus, raw and unfiltered coffee hacks.

Aah!

Brooke: Home hacks to impress your special lady friend.

Bob.

Kevin: And a self-tanning hack that tastes as good as it looks.

Yeah, it's got body lotion in it.

I don't know why you would...

Brooke: Smile. This is "hack my life."

Mm!

Is it possible to achieve a gorgeous glow

without having to fry under a sun

or ever step foot in a tanning bed?

Today we're testing a chocolaty hack

that could give you that sun-kissed look

without the skin damage.

This is hack or wack?

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Kevin, you're a beautiful bronze god.

You don't need a fake tan."

And you're right, mom. Thank you for watching.

That's why I've got Daniel and Ryan here

to help me with this hack or wack?

Daniel, just couldn't help but notice you are tan.

Yeah, thank you.

Now, your friend Ryan, you're not so big on tanning,

'cause you and I are very --

yeah, we're pasty white,

and I try to get to his bronzeness,

but I was overdoing it, just getting really red.

Well, Ryan, today we're gonna try a hack

to get you as tan as Daniel,

and then we'll compare your hacked tan

to the real thing.

I have the hack ingredients right here.

Cocoa powder and body lotion.

-That should work. -That's a tan.

-Yeah, I guess. -Daniel's very confident.

He's all for it 'cause he's not putting it on.

Right. You add 1/4 cup of cocoa powder,

and with a little bit of moisturizer.

Mix it up.

The resulting consistency should resemble, like, a cake batter

or maybe like a frosting.

Oh, but you shouldn't taste it.

Yeah, you shouldn't -- it's got body lotion in it.

I don't know why you would...

Well, it's time for my favorite part of any hack.

Gentlemen, take your shirts off.

♪♪

It's actually kind of working, I think.

This is really nice.

This looks like you got elbow deep in jabba the hutt.

It looks pretty natural.

Yeah, I mean, this is great.

Can't tell at all that there's anything on your skin.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Hungry? Some chocolate?

[ Click ticking ]

Okay. So, it's been about 10 minutes.

That is absolutely a darker shade.

Yeah.

Daniel, we'll start with you.

Do you think this is hack or wack?

Looks pretty wack.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[ Buzzer ]

Folks at home, if you want a hacked tan,

stay out of the pantry and go into the sun.

This is absolutely wack.

This is "oh, I didn't read the manual

on how to clean the septic tank" bad.

You look just, like, covered and caked in [bleep]

♪♪

[ Sizzling ]

[ Squeak! Squeak! ]

Oh. God, it's broken again.

Crap! You know what happens if I don't get caffeine, Kevin.

[ Deep voice ] It gets weird.

Okay, I know, I know.

We don't have to let all of america know, though, okay?

'Cause today we've got hacks

that'll get you your precious brew without needing a machine.

This is tumblr's hack mail.

-Let's get to hacking! -All right.

Our first hack comes from Kristin in California.

So, the first step is we need to steep our coffee grounds.

Now we have to actually make our "French press."

So, we're just gonna poke some holes into the bottom of a cup

with a pen or a paperclip, whatever you have.

Look at these filters. Look at how perfect these are.

Ooh!

Oh, I got some coffee filtering on through.

I'm gonna be honest.

I got some coffeegrounds filtering on through. Same. I know.

There are some grounds down there.

Not a ton.

Yeah, I'd drink that.

Looks like it's got a little body to it.

Tastes like a cup of coffee. It's not amazing,

but the actual end product is pretty okay.

Our next hack comes to us from Camille in south Carolina.

Camille writes...

Wow.

This is also known as "cowboy coffee."

Whoo! It's the kind of coffee you make

I'm getting hints of burnt ramen.

Did we clean this thing before we heated it up?

I feel like a lifetime has passed,

but it's only been three minutes.

-Should we pour this? -Let's pour it.

Avoid the grit.

A lot of grit already floating up to the top here.

Ahh.

If you were really desperate,

I can completely see how this is a hack.

It is technically a cup of coffee.

Why am I still drinking it?

Our last hack comes from Jamie in Kansas City.

Jamie writes...

Best cup of Joe I ever hacked.

All right, here you go.

Okay. Cinch up the filter.

Tie it off nice and tight.

The amount of time that you let it steep,

that's going to affect the drink,

so I think, what, two to three minutes is pretty much average.

Sure. If you want to let it go five to seven,

could really hate yourself.

This cup of coffee is not as strong

because the other ones

were just grounds straight into hot water, but --

the tradeoff of oil and body

versus coffee grounds in your teeth...

Oh, yeah. ...Might be worth it in this case.

So, let's run down these tumblr hacks here,

because we had three really distinct

but really effective hacks.

Look, we ended up with a cup of coffee at the end of each.

We started with a hacked French press.

It was really hot, sloppy, it got everywhere.

You just described prom night.

I know.

Next up, we made some cowboy coffee!

If I'm camping, I would do that, but I hate camping.

Which brings me to our third and final hack --

the coffee filter satchel.

It was easy, clean, and look, coffee.

Yeah. No grounds.

I think it's an incredibly viable hack.

Congratulations, Jamie.

Your coffee "tea bag" gets our...

Both: Hack seal of approval!

So, if you're watching this and thinking,

"man, I would love my hacks to be on the show,"

well, stop dreaming and just go to hackmylifetrutv.Tumblr.Com

and send us your hacks today.

Uh, kev, I think you got something in your teeth.

Huh?

Brooke: Up next, broke ass Bob

shows you how to put the shabby into chic.

Kevin: And Brooke reveals a hack

the pringles people don't want you to know.

Chips in a microwave?

That is the sound of success.

Kevin: Bet you can't hack just one when we return.

♪♪

Kevin: On the next hair-raising chapter of "Dr. Hack"...

-Jack. -Not here, not now.

-Then when? -You know when.

-Do I? -Don't you?

Help! I cut myself shaving!

There's so much blood. Am I gonna die?

It's superficial. You'll be fine.

It just needs some...

Both: Ground black pepper.

It's a natural coagulant.

Hurry! Everything's starting to get dark.

Supply closet!

-No pepper. -None here.

-Damn! -Oh! I found lip balm.

That will also stop the bleeding.

Well done, Dr. Love.

No. No.

Tell me you know another way out.

Damn it, man, I'm a doc-Tor, not a door-doc.

Man: Help! There's so much blood!

Kevin: Will Dr. Hack and Dr. Love ever escape?

Find out on the next "Dr. Hack."

♪♪

[ Clattering ]

Oh, hey there, couch potatoes.

You hankering for a salty snack?

Yeah. Me, too.

Good news is all you need is a few minutes and a microwave

to hack some potatoes into chips.

Yes! All right, let's get hacking, people.

So, I'm gonna use a nice, everyday vegetable peeler,

and we're just gonna go around the potato

to make little thin chips.

After you do that,

just plop the slices in a bowl of cold water.

Once your potatoes are sliced, we want to pat dry

because they'll get crispier the drier they are.

♪♪

I'm gonna spray the plate with a layer of olive oil.

Olive oil's heart healthy.

Put your potato slices on the olive oil plate,

and you don't want them touching one another

so they cook through and they cook faster.

Ugh! Health.

You want to season them to make them fancy? Fine.

I'm gonna go the route that I'm most comfortable with,

which is...

Takeout salt and pepper packets.

And you thought I was never gonna use these.

You're gonna want to zap them

for anywhere from three to five minutes.

You're going to turn into beautiful crispy chips

in no time.

What's that, you say?

Chips in a microwave?

Okay. Some shrinkage occurred.

Oh, my god, these chips look so good.

Oh, these are -- wait, I'm gonna...

[ Crunching ]

You hear that, guys?

That is the sound of success.

That's really good.

♪♪

This is Bob.

He may not look like much,

but back in the day, Bob had some big dumb dreams

which didn't quite work out.

Now Bob's a broke ass,

and he needs every hack in the book to survive.

This is broke ass Bob's guide to moving in together.

You see?

This orange cat hates mondays, but he loves lasagna.

[ Sighs ] Bob, we need to talk.

Since we've been spending so much time together,

maybe it makes sense if...I move in.

Whoa! Slow your roll there, chief.

You've only got 50 bucks to your name.

You can't afford to hire movers, redecorate,

and shell out for stylish new furniture.

No way.

Please? For me?

Actually, save a lot of money on rent.

And I love you, too.

Okay, let's do it.

Great!

Oh, can't wait to see howthis

time to turn this broke-ass batch pad

into some place a woman would actually want to live.

Which means storage space for all her stuff.

With a couple of ladders and some leftover wood,

you've got everything you need

to hack a bookshelf fit for a broke ass.

Pays to be a hoarder, huh, Bob?

You know, in Brooklyn,

someone would pay $4,000 for this.

Your business sense is astonishing.

♪♪

Whoa, careful there, twinkle toes.

You better do something about all those shoes,

or you could have a lawsuit on your hands.

To tidy up his new roomie's shoe collection,

Bob hacks a rack with an old cardboard box,

some colored duct tape, and a whole lot of love.

'Cause love is free.

True, but love isn't load bearing,

so don't be stingy with the tape, Bob.

That shoe rack is looking good,

but it'll take more than that to impress your Princess.

Oh, more trash. Perfect.

Just pop the legs off that old chair,

dab on some glue, top with a suitcase,

and you just nickel and dimed a nightstand

for your lucky lady.

Time to tackle that disaster of a bed.

This isnot where the magic happens.

Hey!

To make that bed more lady friendly,

all you need is a hula hoop and a bed sheet,

and you've hacked yourself a draping canopy on the cheap.

Bob, you did all of this for me?

-Yeah. -I can't believe it.

You really went for broke on this one.

No. I really didn't.

Who knows what she sees in you, Bob,

but it's clear that you saved a ton of money.

With your shabby hacks,

you only spent 36 bucks turning this pad into a palace.

That's savings

you can put toward all the back rent you owe.

I'm just wondering, now that we live together,

can you start paying for half the streaming accounts?

Kevin: Coming up...

We push personal hygiene hacks to the Max.

Yeah!

And three dads compete

to see who can provide the most child support...

You got to shut that baby up.

...when the hack crawls back.

Kevin: On the breathtaking finale of "Dr. Hack"...

Help us, please!

This day couldn't get any worse.

[ Hiccuping ]

Oh. I get the hiccups when I get stressed out.

I remember, Dr. Love. Here.

Sucking water through a paper towel

forces the diaphragm

to counteract its own muscle spasms.

It worked.

You always were so smart, Dr. Jack hack.

♪♪

Three in one day, Dr. Hack?

That must be a record.

♪♪

Gentlemen, welcome to the daddy dash 500!

-Whoo! -Yes!

This is a competition so fierce,

we had to leave the baby mamas at home.

That's...

-Sexist, right? I just realized that.

Anyway, you three dads will be competing

to find out which hacked baby carrier is most effective

for transporting your kiddos on the cheap.

Dads! Dads! Dads! Dads! I know what you're thinking,

and yes, this is a metropcs hack vs. Hack!

To help us test these hacks,

we've enlisted the help of three dads.

Yeah!

So, in terms of mobility with your kids,

what's your preferred method?

We have a young child.

You know, say you're cooking, you're making coffee.

It's much easier if they can be kind of strapped to you.

You want to be hands-free when you're carrying around the kid.

-Of course. -Yes.

Well, luckily for us,

you've each brought a baby-carrying hack with you,

which will be tested under the extreme conditions

of our death-defying dad-stacle course.

For our babies today, we're actually using

the most advanced baby simulators you can find.

They will whine and cry just like an actual child

if you fail to support their neck.

[ Baby crying ] Wow.

That is -- that's a thing that happens.

As you're running the course, if you upset them,

you've got to stop, tend to their needs,

and then you can resume your race.

All right, gentlemen, let's prepare these hacks

and get ready for the daddy dash 500.

Yeah!

Brooke: First up is Steve.

This is the t-shirt method.

Brooke: He's cutting across the shirts

right under the arms

so he's left with three bands of fabric.

Okay, so you've got one across each shoulder.

Kind of fits in there like that.

Bring the little yellow guy up here.

Wow.

Oh, not jostling around at all.

It's real snug. Oh, some wind sprints.

Brooke: Next we've got Johnny,

who's hacking a sling with a bed sheet.

Kevin: To build his sling, he's taking one end,

threading it up and over to make a loop,

and then pulling the end of that sheet through the loop

to make a slipknot.

So, you put Ruby sunshine into the sling.

Okay.

And then you can tighten it at the knot right here like a tie.

This isn't only a hack, it's the best hack.

Brooke: Finally,

Nick is building his backpack baby carrier.

Kevin: Looks like he's cutting holes in the sides

for the baby's legs to go through.

And now he's using the straps on the backpack

to clip the baby in

and make sure she stays good and secure.

Can you give her a little shake?

Oh, that's really snug.

She's good to go.

-Are you ready? -I'm ready!

-Sling on you! -Three, two, one.

[ Whistle blows ]

Kevin: Time has started. Whoa, wasting no time.

Already at the slide. Adjusting the bag.

Popping out just like his young child did.

Oh, he's crowning!

[ Baby crying ]

Oh, and Johnny's baby is already crying.

He's got to stop and console that baby.

But look at those hips sway.

Steve's at the coffee filling up.

No lid.

I don't know if that's actually a smart idea,

but the baby is quiet so far.

♪♪

Now it's time for the baby diaper changing.

This is one of those parts on the course

that could really slow some dads down

because some hacks are more difficult

to get your children in and out of, and there we go.

That's an upset baby!

He will have to hold for that baby.

[ Baby crying ]

Aah!

You got to shut that baby up.

On the other hand, Steve slides his cyborg baby

right out of that comfy t-shirt sling

with no problems.

He's blazing through this course.

He's up. He is going across the bridge.

Very close. This is the last bit here.

Down the slide. 2 minutes and 57 seconds.

Steve, excellent run.

And Nick finishes with a semi-respectable time

of 3 minutes and 25 seconds.

Johnny going over the bridge. Oh, he's heading back down.

Oh, no! We got a coffee spill.

The baby's out of his sheet!

Ah, Johnny, are you okay?

I'm fine.

That's it. We're calling the course right there.

3 minutes, 48 seconds.

Oh, man, what happened, Johnny?

Well, I got caught up in the moment.

Did the leap. The hack didn't perform well.

It's what happens when pigs fly. They fall hard.

They never talk about the landings, do they?

-They do not. -Here's the thing.

If we're running down the hacks in this hack vs. Hack,

I think the backpack was incredibly effective

until it came to loading and unloading the child.

Yeah, that was a little tricky 'cause I think one of her feet

got snagged at the bottom of the backpack.

Steve, what about your hack? That baby didn't make a sound.

I feel like this is one of the better hacks

because the baby's kind of really supported,

really comfortable, kind of warm.

Actually, I would totally use this. No joke.

Kevin: Congratulations, Steve. You have it all figured out.

Three t-shirts are the smart choice.

Slip them around your person, and you're good to go.

Hands-free all day.

Up next, the maxi pad spreads its wings.

See how it can be used any time of the month

when the hack comes back.

♪♪

Kevin: The hack mvp.

A heisman for the household.

Today, we honor an item

that's always going with the flow --

the maxi pad.

Need to play a little "d" against light

during your disco nap?

Tie a string around a maxi pad,

and you've got yourself a cozy sleep mask.

Maxi pad 1, restlessness 0.

Breaking in new shoes forcing you to take a timeout?

Turn a thin maxi pad into a shoe insert,

and you'll be back in the game in no time.

Do you suffer from sweat head?

Stick a maxi pad to the front of your bike helmet,

and soon you'll be switching gears

from hot mess to cool and dry.

Let's see that again in instant replay.

Tackling a monster mess?

Reach for the maxi pad --

the ultimate masculine hygiene napkin.

Plus, maxi pads can also provide amazing insulation

for your game-day brew.

Fans might keep you cool, but cleaning them sure isn't.

Attach a pad to the end of a broomstick

and take a hack at all that dust.

Come up lame with a gruesome leg injury

miles away from the nearest trainer's room?

Don't rub dirt in it.

Slap on a maxi pad,

and you'll be back on the field in no time.

Congratulations, maxi pads.

You play the game the right way,

no matter what time of the month it is.

And for that, we appoint you this week's hack mvp.

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