Original subtitles

>> This season on "Dr. Hack"...

>> What do we got?

>> Female, age 28.

She was out on a date, things

were going well, but it's her

neck.

>> My god. A hickey.

>> I'll get the rib spreader.

>> [ Whimpers ]

>> No need.

All I need is a cold spoon to

reduce blood flow to the bruise.

[ Harp plays ]

>> Oh, thank you, Dr. Hack.

>> "Dr. Hack" -- hacking your

heart this fall.

>> Tonight on "hack my life"...

They are -- oh, my lord!

...we put furniture-moving hacks

to the ultimate test.

[ Pan clanks ]

Oh! Joe lost a pot!

>> Plus, hacks to keep you

energized...

>> [ Coughs ]

I caught a seed in my sinus.

...hacks that will knock your

damn socks off...

[ Windshield wipers creaking ]

>> ...and a cooking hack so

shocking...

>> I'll take a car battery and a

hot dog, and I'll turn it into a

delicious treat.

>> ...it will jump-start your

taste buds.

>> What?!

Oh! The cushy couch.

It is the best seat in the

house.

>> Yeah, until you have to move

it.

That partsucks.

But we've got some great hacks

to help make the job faster.

>> And we're gonna pit them

against each other right now in

our very own couch grand prix.

So, gentlemen, start your sofas!

>> This is "hack vs. Hack"!

[ Bell dings ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

The couch race 500!

[ All cheer ]

Here's how this goes down.

You couch potatoes will be

competing to find out which one

of these three hacks can help

move furniture the fastest.

Brooke...

>> Yeah?

>> ...tell them what they're

working with.

>> Okay.

Hack number one, tennis balls.

Hack number two, frisbees.

Last, but not least, I know this

looks very unorthodox, but a

pan.

Anthony.

Which one of these would you

like?

>> The tennis balls.

My grandmother has those on her

Walker, and she moves real fast.

>> Cut this open, pop it on your

couch, and the felt surface

should glide across floors very

easily.

>> Hmm.

>> Joe, what are you gonna go

with?

>> The saucepan.

It's gonna smoothly go over

whatever you need it to go over.

>> It's sturdy.

Just if you do this at home,

make sure it's a smooth bottom

so that you're not ripping up

your floors.

Well, what's left is the

frisbee.

>> Wow. Yeah.

I am imagining it's gonna glide

across the floor, too.

>> All right, competitors, let's

get hacking.

Today's course starts with a

treacherous stretch of hardwood

floor.

Gonna hit a carpeted office,

through aunt Millie's

linoleum-tiled kitchen floor,

into a child's bedroom to the

final stretch, which will take

you over the finish line and

into glory.

Prep our couches.

All right, it looks like the

legs fit in there nice and easy.

I was worried about the fit.

It looks like Anthony is done

slicing up his balls.

>> Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Anxiety.

He can't get it in.

>> It happens to the best of us.

>> There we go.

>> Phew!

>> Last, but not least, we've

got ray, and under 10 seconds is

done and ready to race.

>> Wow.

Pins and needles, Brooke.

>> Pins and needles.

>> I am so excited for this

challenge.

All right, gentlemen, start your

couches!

[ Air horn blows ]

Oh, my lord!

>> [Bleep]

>> It's a three-couch pileup on

the carpet right now.

>> You don't want to see that,

Brooke.

>> It is a mess on the track.

>> [ Groans ]

>> [Bleep]

>> Oh, Anthony just lifts, just

powers the tennis balls over.

Rayland getting tripped up with

the frisbee right there.

>> Frisbee is having some

trouble.

[ Pan clanks ]

>> Oh! Joe lost a pot!

>> [Bleep]

>> That is a kitchen

catastrophe.

>> Tennis ball took a quick and

easy turn over the linoleum.

Ah! Whoa.

>> Rayland may have cracked a

frisbee.

>> He broke something, yeah.

>> Wow.

>> [Bleep]

>> Anthony just collecting

children's toys as he goes.

He has had a commanding lead.

>> He's tangled in that rug.

>> If the surface is not smooth,

the tennis balls are just

struggling.

Rayland -- he's just sucking

[bleep] Over there.

>> Yeah.

>> That's it.

>> Joe!

>> The slick surface of the pot

slides past the competition.

And at the last minute, Joe

takes it out of nowhere!

Anthony ruins our finish line.

>> Here comes ray.

>> And rayland is just -- I

mean, I'd like to get out of

here.

An epic battle, gentlemen.

You guys fought hard.

What the hell happened out

there, guys?

>> Yeah.

>> But when you hit a carpet

that's raised above the hard

floor, it's tough to get the

couch over.

>> I would recommend actually

just rolling your carpet to the

side before you move the item.

>> Right.

This is just not that kind of

show, though.

>> Regarding the condition of

the floors, they look pretty

much intact.

Did you guys notice any damage

as you were racing?

>> I would have to say the

damage is quite minimal.

>> The winner will receive

the golden couch potato.

>> [ Gasps ]

>> With their slick surface and

high, rounded sides, the winner

of today's "hack vs. Hack" is

the venerable pot.

Congratulations, Joe.

Pots -- who knew?

>> Sometimes, a household item

is so useful, it ascends into

the pantheon of great hacking

tools.

Today, we celebrate one that's

truly become a hack all-star,

the old sock.

They keep our feet warm and

toasty, but a sock can do so

much more once it's plucked away

from its everyday existence.

Want to dress up your dog

without dropping a lot of bones?

[ Dog barking ]

With some strategic snips, an

old sock can become canine

couture.

>> All-star!

>> Got a drafty door.

Seal it up by taking an old

sock, filling it with rice, then

laying it down to block that

breeze.

>> All-star!

>> Whether you're hitting up the

court or the course, use an old

sock to keep your precious balls

clean and condensed.

>> All-star!

>> Socks can warm hands, too.

Just cut them into fingerless

mittens.

Whoever said holes in your sock

are a bad thing?

>> All-star!

>> Want to accessorize an indoor

garden?

Give plants a little fashion

flair with decorative pot

covers made from socks.

>> All-star!

>> And don't think that socks

are just soft and cozy.

Fill them with coins, and they

turn into a ninja's worst

nightmare.

[ Kung fu noises ]

Just be careful.

>> All-star!

>> Congratulations, socks.

You're our new hack all-star.

Your ride into a super vehicle.

>> And...

>> It's not gonna explode, is

it?

Ah!

>> ...a hot-dog hack so

shocking, even Frankenstein

would be impressed.

[ Electricity crackling ]

>> It's actually cooking! O0 c1

>> on the next episode of

"Dr. Hack"...

>> It's a splinter.

>> We're losing her.

>> Not on my watch.

Glue.

>> Be careful!

>> There.

The dried glue attached to the

splinter, allowing me to easily

pull it off.

[ Chuckles ]

>> Oh, Dr. Hack, I think I love

you.

>> "Dr. Hack" -- bringing the

heat this fall.

[ Horn honks ]

>> Hot dogs!

Get your hot dogs here!

Electrocuted to perfection!

Come on, folks.

Taken to the streets of Jersey,

the capital of mystery meat,

because I'm subjecting these

poor, sweet, innocent hot dogs

to a special kind of shock

therapy.

If you want to do this yourself,

there's a few things you're

going to need -- first and

foremost, a car battery.

Inverter.

Then, you want some forks to

help complete the circuit, and

once you place your hot dog in

between, in no time flat, you

should have a sweaty, delicious

wiener.

Cable.

Get your shopping cart-cooked

hot dogs right here!

96% germ-free.

Howdy, sir.

Interested in a shock dog?

I got some shock dogs here.

We're cooking them with a car

battery.

Not a joke.

I know I look like one, but i'm

very serious.

Miss, you want a free hot dog?

It's totally safe and sanitary,

I promise.

That's the concern was if you

had to pay for it?

Yeah? You game?

Come on in.

Hot dogs.

You guys want some hot dogs?

>> Okay.

>> I got a car battery.

I got some hot dogs.

I got some forks and a power

inverter.

>> How long does it take to make

a street dog?

Gonna have one deliciously --

it's like 2 minutes -- like 2 or

3 minutes.

>> Okay.

Is this actually gonna work?

>> You got two forks connected

to a battery.

>> I don't believe it.

>> No, totally.

See, look, hot dogs are

precooked.

All you have to do is just heat

them up.

You want to pop it on for me?

>> All right. There we go.

>> That's it.

Totally kosher, totally

gluten-free.

I can't back up any of these

claims.

>> Oh, my god, it's actually

cooking!

>> It's not gonna explode, is

it?

>> You should see it start to

swell.

>> How do you know it's --

>> ah!

>> What?!

>> Okay, you answered my

question.

>> Now we know.

It's plumped and popped.

I'm gonna kill the car battery.

Look at that, huh?

Today?

>> Ketchup, please.

>> Go for it, go for it.

I am so jealous of you.

>> Let's give this a shot.

>> Here it goes.

>> Huh?

>> Oh, yeah.

>> [ Laughs ]

>> Yeah, it's really good.

>> How's it taste?

>> It tastes like a hot dog.

It tastes great.

>> Yeah?

>> Yeah.

>> Come on.

>> Okay.

>> So, what do you think?

What's the verdict?

>> Wack.

[ Buzzer ]

>> Hack.

[ Ding! ]

>> This is wack.

[ Buzzer ]

Not doing this.

>> [ Laughs ]

>> I'm eating it now.

>> You are.

>> Because you're a charming

guy.

>> What do you think?

>> This is definitely a hack.

[ Ding! ]

>> This is a hack, especially

for the preppers, the

survivalists.

>> Hack.

[ Ding! ]

>> Boom!

>> The taste is there.

That's what matters.

>> And you're gonna absolutely

finish the rest?

You're not gonna turn the street

corner and just throw it at some

pigeons?

>> I might have the rest.

[ Laughs ]

>> Well, there you have it.

My hack dogs are a complete

success.

Goodness.

People love my hack dogs.

I'm taking this on the road.

Free hot dogs!

>> Sometimes, ordinary people do

extraordinary things, all in the

name of hacking.

Take Connie.

Mild-mannered motorist, but she

truly is a hack hero!

Her book club's discussion of

"the goldfinch."

[ Ding! ]

But first, she needs to pick up

some party supplies, by which we

mean booze.

>> Hmm!

>> Connie's got directions to

the liquor store, but can't

safely hold her phone while

driving.

Connie takes a rubber band and

loops it through a vent,

creating an instant phone mount.

Onward to inebriation!

Ouch!

The heat from Connie's sizzling

gearshift would scorch even a

superhuman's hand.

But as fate would have it, she's

got a beer koozie handy.

Not sure why she had a beer

koozie in her car, but, eh, it's

none of our business.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Connie pulls over as her phone

call with Beverly from book club

gets heated.

Beverly only wants one type of

wine for everyone tonight.

Get over yourself, Beverly.

Yikes!

Looks like a goose mistook

Connie's windshield for an

outhouse.

Connie Springs into action and

grabs her son's gym socks.

She just slides one on each

wiper and -- bam! -- Good as

new.

Take that, Beverly.

Connie returns home triumphant.

She even hacked a bungee net to

her car's coat hangers for safe

storage of her book club super

serum.

Now Connie and her friends can

raise a glass to "the goldfinch"

and live happily ever -- blast!

"The goldfinch" is next month.

Oh, crap.

Well, never fear, Connie.

Your heroic hacks still make you

a hack hero!

Building blocks into a selfie

stick.

>> Oh! Look at that.

>> And never feel sleepy again.

We test the best ways to wake

your ass up in

tumblr's hack mail.

>> [ Coughs ]

I caught a seed in my sinus. O0

>> The bra, mainstay of

undergarments and confounder of

high-school boys everywhere.

>> [ Grunts ]

>> But did you also know it was

a hack from history?

Young socialite

Mary Phelps Jacob squishes her

body into a punishing corset.

Fearing suffocation at yet

another party, Mary mutters the

words that always precede

ingenious hacking.

>> [ Voice breaking ] There's

got to be a better way.

>> Mary and her faithful maid

grab two pocket kerchiefs and

sew them to a pink ribbon.

Holy hubcaps!

The world's first bra is born!

If only we could all afford

maids to help us invent things.

Which brings us to today.

Bras are so universal and

important, they even get their

own fashion shows.

But seriously, how do you

unclasp them?

I'm asking for a friend.

Hack from history.

>> [ Groans ]

It's that time of the month

again -- aquarium cleaning time.

[ Laughs ]

Well, I don't want to dump

gallons of murky water into my

bathtub, so now what?

>> You can put that water to

good use by pouring it over your

garden.

The nutrients from the waste

will help fertilize your

flowers.

>> Ahh!

>> Well, my garden's

flourishing, and now there are

too many [bleep] plants to keep

track of, Kevin!

Now what?

>> Relax!

To remember which plant is

which, turn bread tags into

plant labels that you can clip

right onto the stems.

>> Well, my garden's organized,

but now all my bread's gonna go

stale because I can't close the

bag.

Now what?

>> Not to worry.

Trim a strip off the edge of the

bread bag and use it to tie it

up.

>> Phew! Thank god.

The bread's still fresh.

But now my scissors are dull

from all that cutting.

Now what?

>> I got this.

Sharpen those scissors by

cutting pieces of fine-grit

sandpaper.

>> Well, great.

My scissors are sharp.

But now I've got all these

teeny, tiny pieces of sandpaper

lying around.

Now what?

>> No problem.

Just attach those snippets of

sandpaper to an old electric

toothbrush to create an

effective mini-sander.

>> Finally! I can refinish all

that old Dollhouse furniture.

First I, uh, just have to get

over my intense phobia of dolls.

>> Oh [bleep] no!

>> Welcome to

"let's make a thing," where one

man's trash is another man's

treasure.

Now, if you know me, you know I

love to take some selfies.

Mm, the pouty eyes, the duck

lips, the wet gap.

The problem is that my arms

aren't quite long enough to

capture all this majesty.

Which is why I got to make a

selfie stick.

And you can, too.

Oh, what do we have here?

Some plastic building blocks.

You can steal these from a toy

store or from a 6-year-old.

I recommend the latter, because

toy stores can't cry.

You'll also want a telescoping

duster.

[ Glass squeaking ]

And this is Carlton.

He's optional, but highly

recommended.

He's a pizza bot from the

planet xarlon.

[ Laughs ] He's so badass!

Oh, you're probably gonna want a

cellphone, too.

These help with the actual

taking of the photos.

But if you can't figure that

out, you didn't make it this

far.

Let's make a thing!

We're gonna make the base of our

selfie stick attachment, and so

we're going to need to take our

cellphone case and measure it

against the plastic building

blocks.

And we're gonna use fancy tools

here, like our eyes, and we're

gonna size this thing up and go,

"okay, I'm gonna cut it about

there."

[ Saw whirs ]

But remember, safety first.

Block with my dremel.

Mm! Beautiful.

[ Whip! ]

Gluing.

And now we're just gonna wait

for it to dry.

I'm just waiting for it to dry.

[ Harp plays ]

Now we need to figure out

exactly what the spacing is

going to be between the case and

our telescoping duster.

So it looks like we're gonna go

with three strips of plastic

blocks on either side.

That will house it, but what's

going to stop the duster from

sliding in and out?

How about some more blocks?!

Sorry, Carlton.

I love you, but I need to --

[ voice breaking ] I can't look

at you when I do it.

[ Crack! ]

So, let's take our blocks.

And now that these blocks are in

place, you can see that they're

going to secure our duster.

Now we just take another

plastic-block sheet and put it

right on top.

Oh, look at that!

Let's try it out.

Sliding in our phone.

Now, you can set a timer delay

on most phones, or you can use

some headphones and press any

button once you're in the camera

app, and then grab your favorite

dismembered plastic friend!

Hey, Carlton, smile!

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

We made a thing!

Energizing hacks to the test.

>> We've got tons of great

hacks.

>> It's tumblr's hack mail, the

segment where you do our job for

us. O0 c1

>> next season on "Dr. Hack"...

>> It's my husband, doctor!

He has a headache!

>> Not for long.

I need 50 ccs of lime juice

stat.

The nutrients in the lime reduce

inflammation and are absorbed

directly through the skin.

>> My headache -- it's gone.

It's a miracle.

>> It's not a miracle.

It's a hack -- a Dr. Hack.

>> Oh, Dr. Hack...

>> Hey!

Aren't the only thing he'll

cure.

The show, because it's the one

where you do our jobs for us.

>> Isn't that great?

>> Thanks to you folks on

tumblr, we've got tons of great

hacks.

>> Today, we're testing natural

energy pick-me-ups.

>> It's tumblr hack mail.

Michigan.

She writes...

And she used two exclamation

points, so she is extra

energized!

>> Oh.

>> Thanks, Clarissa.

>> Oh!

>> I'm getting a little drippy.

That's in my eye.

I caught a seed in my sinus.

I mean, I went about as far as I

think you can go with an orange

sniff, and...

>> Yeah.

>> ...no, I feel like I could be

equally as energized if I just

took a bunch of deep breaths

through my nose.

>> All right, hack 2.

Leonard from Portland, Oregon.

He says...

Leonard suggests adding one-half

of a lemon.

>> That's a lot of lemon you're

squeezing in there.

That's just not stopping, is it?

Paprika is high in vitamin b6.

>> And the lemon juice is high

in potassium, which is good for

energy.

Your hair back.

>> That is real lemony.

>> Yeah.

>> And the parts that aren't

quite so lemony are just rough.

>> Real rough.

But, Leonard, here's what I

don't feel -- asleep.

It's not bad.

>> Both: [ Chanting ] Hacks.

Comes to us from Florida.

Lauren writes...

>> Namaste, Lauren.

>> All right.

She says first lie on you back.

Now, your feet should be spread

slightly apart.

>> Okay.

>> Now, hands over your head

with your index fingers

extended.

Yeah, like a point. Yep.

And you're gonna want to hold

that position for about five

minutes.

Works every time.

[ Clock ticking ]

>> Has it been five minutes?

>> Oh, I don't know, but my

shoulders are killing me.

>> Help, I'm stuck in sore old

ditch pose.

[ Groans ]

>> Yeah, I don't think I'll be

reaching for this technique

anytime soon.

>> I don't like to move or

challenge myself, so this was

very depleting.

>> Let's run down what we've

gone through today, starting

with yoga.

>> This one didn't work for me.

>> How about the sniffing of an

orange?

>> That was a little bit wacky.

And finally, we had Leonard and

his lemon, paprika water.

>> Out of the three that we

tried, I feel like that was the

only one where I thought, "okay,

there could be something here."

>> Let's make it official.

Leonard from Oregon, your lemon,

paprika water gets the hack seal

of approval.

[ Harp plays ]

You did it, bud! Whoo!

>> She's really fired up.

>> L-e-o-n-a-r-d!

Hey, if you guys have hacks for

us, head on over to

hackmylifetrutv.tumblr.com, send

your hacks our way, and we will

test them out.

>> Did you notice how dirty this

lab is?

>> Yeah.

>> God!

>> Yeah, I did.

I've been making a few things in

here.

A row of cockroaches stared at

me when I laid down.

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