All language subtitles for Dan Vs s01e15 Art.eng

It's time.

Now I'm not going to lie
to you, Mr. Mumbles.

This is going to hurt,
probably a lot,

but it has to be done.

Oh, don't look at me like that.
I'm not a bad guy.

It's bath day, and that's final.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

What could that be?

Wait a second. Is that...

Oh, no!

My car!
What is this?

Apparently an artist has turned

this clearly abandoned vehicle
into a work of art.

It's not a work of art.

It's a car, my car!

This is your car?
You're so lucky.

This piece is clearly a metaphor
for man's love of cupcakes.

It's not a metaphor.

It's a car!

I think the artist
is endorsing corporate greed.

This is vandalism,
the worst ism there is,

if you don't count fascism.

And I guess racism
is pretty bad.

Gordon Bennett,
imagine the vision it takes

to see an ordinary car

and think,
"This could be a work of art."

Yeah. All it needed
was plastic frogs.

Hey, stop that!

You're defacing a masterpiece.

ART!!!

Stupid art.

Hey, mister, you dropped this.

Stupid kid.

Say, I'll give you ??1,000
for that car.

Stupid British guy.

1,000 pounds of what?

And you're driving
on the wrong side of the road!

And now back
to the Emmy Award winning

television series
"Animal Butlers."

Ah, my favorite show.

And my favorite snack.

Hi, Dan.

Hi?! There's no time
for pleasantries!

We have to get to the Artfest.

We're getting revenge on art.

I don't want to get revenge
on art today.

All I want to do
is watch a little TV,

eat a cake, maybe take a nap.

You know, make it a Chris day.

What?
Naked Chris day? Gross.

Put on some clothes,
and meet me at the Artfest.

And hurry.

I said, "Make it a Chris day."

I'm not meeting you
at Artfest, okay? Hello?

Did you say Artfest?
That's a great idea.

We really need to get
a piece of art

to cover the Dan-hole above
the couch, don't you think?

Yeah, I really
need to convince Dan

to give up
the whole jetpack dream.

Let's go, Chris.
Come on.

Put down the cake.

Fine.

Look at all
this abstract garbage.

It's like somebody drank
a bunch of paint and threw up.

Whatever happened to realism?

Stupid realism.

Care for a caricature?

AAA!!! Artist! Dragon stance!

Come on.

Don't you want a picture
with your physical flaws

exaggerated
in a mean-spirited way?

I have a middle school
yearbook for that.

You'll be back!

They always come back!

I was thinking
something classier.

This screams class.

You don't find it just
a little tacky and tasteless?

I look at this, and I think,

"This is going to be
a good morning.

I'm going to have a great day."

What about this one?

It really matches
our carpet and drapes.

That's a farm.
We don't live on a farm.

So? We don't have
any talking sunflowers either.

- Let's just keep looking.
- Fine.

I'm going to take that sign
as a sign.

I guess I could live with this.

I like it 'cause it's food.

- Dan!
- Chris.

Finally.
Hope you don't mind.

I destroyed
a bunch of art without you.

Gotcha!

This guy burned
half the paintings in my booth.

And you ruined
the one painting we agreed on.

Thanks, Dan.

Hey, arsonist,

you're going to pay
for those paintings.

Let's see.

Eight paintings total.

That'll be $5.

$5? For all that?

I thought art was
supposed to be priceless!

It's not revenge

unless we destroy real art.

Real art?

Yeah, the expensive stuff.

Gentlemen, I apologize.

I wasn't aware
you were no-talent hacks.

I'm after legitimate artists.

Chris, to the Danmobile.

Sorry, Dan.

I promised Elise
we'd find a painting.

Come on, Elise. I saw some more
talking sunflowers over there.

You know what, Chris?

I think I'd rather
keep looking by myself.

Really? Why?

I can't believe
she thinks I have bad taste.

Well, when I get back
from this museum,

I'll be the most educated,
refined art lover that ever lived.

She'll see.
I mean, it's just art.

How complicated could it be?

What's this supposed to be,
a steering wheel?

This isn't helping at all.

How am I supposed to tell
the good art from the bad?

It's all bad.

All right, back to basics.

No open flames in the museum.

Hey, that's my favorite lighter!

You think I won't hurt
an old man?

I'll hurt an old man!

Unhand me!

He's getting away!

Museum food tastes like plastic.

Another reason
why art must suffer.

You can't touch the art.

Um, neither of us are touching
any art, grandpa.

First of all,
that's my grandpa, not yours,

and second, you're sitting
on a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.

The bench?
The bench is art now?

And the sandwich.

Oh. Sorry.

Wasn't there also an apple pie?

This whole art thing
is just so frustrating.

It's giving me a stomachache.

I think some of that exhibit
was toxic.

That's him!

That's the guy
I should be after,

the so-called "artist"
who ruined my car.

Come on, Chris.

I don't know. I should
probably go to the hospital.

I ate a whole plastic pie.

No time!
We have a mission.

to make Art Artstein
art history.

Let's go.

That's right.

Get that arts-crement
off my car.

I love that car.

One day,
when I have grandchildren,

I hope to sell it to them.

So do you have a plan yet?

Of course. I trick a lady
into marrying me,

make her have kids,
and make those kids have kids.

- It's pretty simple.
- I meant about Art Artstein.

Glad you asked.

We'll break into
the museum tonight

and destroy Artstein's exhibit
before it even opens.

Breaking in?
What about security?

That's why we're going
to need a team-- tech guy,

driver, explosives expert,
some extra muscle,

and if we can, two translators.

- Which one are you?
- I'm the frontman.

- Well, which one am l?
- You're the grunt.

What's the grunt do?

Anything the frontman says.

Now go buy the items
on this list.

Napalm?

Wait.
What are you going to do?

I am going to assemble a team

of world-class art haters.

I need the files
of your rejected applicants,

the more soured on art,
the better.

I don't understand.

Are you applying
to the Academy of Art School?

Attend art school?
Do I look like a joke to you?

Just give me the files.

I'm not giving you
our private records.

Well, maybe this
will change your mind.

Are you trying to bribe me
with a sandwich?

Come on.
Aren't you a starving artist?

It's a really good sandwich.

Playing hardball, huh?

- They're ruffled.
- Get out of my office.

Who needs a bunch of wussy
art school rejects anyway?

What are the chances
one of them

would also be a tech genius?
Not very good. I know that.

You say, "Tech genius"?

Are you proficient
in technology?

I once lived inside
a computer box for six months.

Perfect.

Hi, you. Any luck?

Eh. Still on the hunt.

I'd help you, but I guess
I don't have any taste.

Come on.
Don't be like that.

If it makes you feel any better,
I can't tell this stuff apart either.

Me neither.
In fact, earlier today,

- on accident, I ate some.
- You did what?

Nothing.

Listen. I'm going to be back
a little late tonight.

I once played checkers
with Frank Sinatra.

Not the singer, the clown.

I don't know why,
but I like you.

You speak cat?

You pick up certain things
on the street.

Aliens!
Get 'em off me!

Relax. It's just Chris.

I knew that.

Who is this?

- He's our tech guy.
- He smells awful.

Beggars can't be choosers.
No offense.

I could be the tech guy.

You're the grunt.
Deal with it.

All right, turn around.

Up you go.

Wow. He's heavy.

What does this guy eat?

- Anything.
- Nice.

Me too.

Why didn't you go
one at a time?

Grunts don't ask questions.
Aha!

Oh, well. We tried.

Oh, no.

Art Artstein isn't
getting off that easy.

Uh, you know what?

This is really
more grunt than frontman.

You're welcome.

I'm fine.

Time to let the cat
out of the bag.

- She says she's ready.
- What do you mean, she?

Girl cat.

Wait. In what context
did you discover that?

Uh, we're wasting time.

I couldn't have asked for
a better explosives expert.

Hmm. Something's tripping
all the motion sensors.

Looks like some kind
of spastic fireball.

- Go check it out.
- I'm on it.

It's a pussycat!
I need backup!

- I'm in position.
- Great.

Tell Mr. Mumbles
to keep those guards busy

for as long as possible.

I don't think that guy
really speaks cat.

Sure he does.

This is art?

Not for long.

Let's get to work.

Ruffled. Nice touch.

Maybe I could bring
something home for me and Elise.

What do you think of this one?

I don't like it.
It's broken.

You guys are in trouble.
They gave up on the cat.

I think they're headed
right for you.

- This will do.
- Are you guys safe?

Good work. Tacos?

What about the tech guy?
Shouldn't we wait?

Every war has its casualties.
Let's go.

There you are.

We almost got tacos
without you.

Hey, you found my lighter.

Thank you, Tammy.
By the way, love the blouse.

I'm here live
at the downtown art museum.

Oh! Mr. Mumbles, quick!
It's on!

What was once expected
to be a ho-hum art exhibit

is now the cultural event
of the year.

- What?!
- So tell me, Art,

what inspired you to vandalize
your own masterpieces?

It's a metaphor for society.

That-- it's brilliant,
simply brilliant.

This stunt will surely guarantee

even more fame and fortune
for Art Artstein.

And by the way,
everything's for sale.

No.

Mm, no.

No, no, no.

What do you think, honey?

Do you like the cubist,
the surrealist,

or the abstract lmpressionist?

Honestly, I'm starting
to like the hole.

- What now?
- There's no way to ruin art.

What do you mean?
We ruined it.

I thought we did,
but somehow we made it better.

Wait. People liked
our pointless squiggles?

But if that's art
and benches are art

and sunflowers
are sometimes art

and then some art can be eaten
even though it shouldn't be,

then-- but--

I am never going
to figure this out!

If there's no way to ruin art
that already exists,

I'll have to cut it off
at its source.

Art Artstein, prepare
for a close encounter

of the Dan kind.

Hmm. I guess if anyone
could explain art to me,

it'd be someone named Art.

Okay, the news said his workshop
is in an old toy factory.

Well, that all sounds fine,
except there are dozens

- of old toy factor--
- There it is!

You got lucky.

- Hello.
- Hi. Can you let us in?

I've got one of your models
out here.

You think I look like a model?

Sure. You could be
the before picture.

Model down here?

I'm his agent.

This place is weird.

Which is why
we're destroying it.

Hey! Watch it, Sinatra!

Disrobe.

Don't you guys want to...

- talk first?
- No.

Where am l?

Artstein?

I don't think that was him.

Wow. So lmpressionism

is basically just realism
with an emphasis on light.

Basically.

This seems important.

Drat.

If I only had my crowbar.

Art does have a use.

I spoke too soon.

But, boss,
we don't have the manpower

to fill all these orders.

I don't care.

Open another
sweatshop somewhere.

Paint mayo jar on a baby?

This is just random.

- I knew art was meaningless.
- Who are you?

I'm the guy who figured out
you're a fraud.

Oh, come on.

People go gaga for this stuff.

It doesn't have to have meaning.

It's all about money.

Well, we'll see how much
money you make

when I tell the world
about your machine.

You won't be telling anyone.

Hey, I just had an idea
for a new project.

I'm going
to paint the town red

with your blood.

Oh, no!
Please be okay!

Please be okay!

Maybe I can fix it.

Now that's what I call
a work of art.

Elise! Elise, I'm back.

I met a bunch of artists
and I learned all about art.

I even got a souvenir.
Ta-da!

Wow.

Wow. Chris.

I know.

Real artists made this
in Art Artstein's factory.

Pretty sweet, huh?

Oh. You bought the farm.

It was the only thing
I could settle on.

It was the only thing
I could settle on.

Well, you know,

it's a solid piece
of American genre painting.

I mean, nice brushwork,
good use of negative space.

I guess you did learn about art.

Notice the way the piece
follows you around the room?

Wow, Mr. Mumbles.

Ever since I laid ruin
to Art Artstein's factory,

displaced his cronies,

and destroyed
his idea generating machine,

I have been
unusually productive.

I don't like the sound of that.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Not this guy again!

When my factory was destroyed,

I was down and out.

By the way, if anyone
has seen my elephants,

please call my 800 number.

Now thanks to the funding
from our great city,

I am proud to present
my new original creation,

"Unnamed Jerk."

It's the first in a series.

It's me!

Well, maybe some art is okay.

I don't get it.
What does it mean?

It doesn't mean anything.
It's rubbish.

This is just ugly.

Seriously?

You sheep wouldn't know real art
if it ruined your car!

Aw, come on!

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