All language subtitles for Dan Vs s01e13 Technology.eng

No! I won't go!

Let me go!

You can't make me!
I'll wait in the car!

I don't like this at all.

Why did I let you
talk me into this?

It's time you joined
the lnformation Age.

Sounds like a cult.

You need a computer, Dan.

Yeah. You're the last person in
the world to not have lnternet access,

except maybe a weirdo in a cabin
in the woods somewhere.

What's so great
about the lnternet?

You can watch TV
on your computer.

I can watch TV on my TV.

You can keep track
of your friends.

He's right here!
Plus I had him chipped.

Maybe he doesn't
need a computer.

We need him
to have a computer.

It'll give him something to do
when you and I want to be alone.

What's he going to do
on the lnternet?

Something I could help you with,
sirs and ma'am?

We're trying to explain to my friend
why he needs a computer.

- Oh. Do you blog?
- Do I what?

Oho, you're one of those.

Okay, check this out.

Is that "Scotland the Brave"?

That cat is playing
the bagpipes

without the use
of opposable thumbs.

Show me another one.

They're dancing!

And this is always available
for free?

I'll take it!

See, Mr. Mumbles?
It's all about rhythm.

While not as inventive
as other videos in this genre,

"Dancing Cats Video
Number 3,620"

is not without
some pedestrian charm.

Quaint choreography
and sincere--

What? What happened?

My computer's broken.

We don't work on that model
anymore. It's obsolete.

How could it be obsolete?

You sold it to me yesterday.

I'm very sorry, sir,

but that entire platform
has been discontinued.

They're releasing
the new platform this weekend.

See?

Look how happy
that dork is.

Make this thing
work like that thing.

Well, okay.

Please come back when you're
ready to upgrade, sir.

TECHNOLOGY!!!

Hey, Dan.
Sorry about your computer.

You want me to ask Elise
if she can fix it?

The computer is dead.

It goes unmourned.

Really?
You're letting it go?

We need to drive
to Silicon Valley.

I've got a score to settle
with Barry Ditmer.

Barry Ditmer did not
break your computer.

Maybe not personally,

but he's the one
who made it obsolete.

The guy invents a whole
new computer system every year

and inflicts it
on a docile public.

He does it with music players,
movie players.

You can't stop
technological progress, Dan.

People only say that
because no one has tried.

This Sunday, Barry Ditmer
is going to onveil

the Omnicron Violet
computer system,

and we are going to stop him.

I can't drive you
to Silicon Valley this weekend.

Well, stop hemming and hawing.
I need your help.

I am going to destroy
Barry Ditmer.

Enter.

Sir, one of our
passive listening devices

has detected a threat.

Play audio.

I am going to destroy
Barry Ditmer.

Who do you think it is?

The Chinese?

We don't know for certain.

Voice recognition software
came up with a blank.

Either it's someone who has
never owned a computer...

Maybe some weirdo in a cabin
in the woods somewhere.

...or they're using

some sophisticated
voice-altering device.

We traced the signal

to this apartment building
in the San Fernando Valley.

It's obviously a front.

Why do you say that?

Please don't show me that!

You know I can't stand filth!

Yes, sir.

At any rate, it's probably

a derelict apartment
peopled by squatters.

All this leads me to believe

that we have a credible threat
on our hands.

Hmm. Recommendations?

Just one.

Dancing Shadow,

your mission is
to provide security

to prominent technology tycoon
Barry Ditmer.

Our government has determined
that his safety

- is priority Alpha One Venti.
- When do I leave?

Sky-Tender will drop in 20,

19, 18, 17,

16, 15...

I'm starving.

Why didn't you pack any food?

I didn't know we were going
on a road trip, did l?

Well, do you at least
have any water in the car?

Bottled, preferably.

As opposed to tap?

Hello. Mr. Ditmer?

Thank you, llsa.

Forgive me
if I don't shake hands.

Human contact of any kind
is my primary phobia.

Don't worry about
offending me, sir.

I'm here to help with security,
not make friends.

Excellent.
That's what I like to hear.

I'll take a quick tour
of the facility,

then report back
with some recommendations.

Human beings are so...

analog. Ugh.

Where are we, anyway?

I don't know.
We're not on my map anymore.

This is your fault.

Hi. It's Elise.
Leave a message.

Hey, gorgeous, it's me.

I just wanted to check in.
We're a little lost,

and I thought maybe you could
help us get back to the freeway.

And you'd better
not use the lnternet.

Shh. Do you mind?
I'm trying to leave a message.

Oh, just tell her
you've left her.

He's left you!

I didn't leave her.
I haven't left you.

He's left you,
and he's never coming back.

Dan, let go! The phone
is attached to my head.

- Just watch the road!
- Give my phone back.

I'm trying to leave
a message for my wife.

You should be trying
not to kill--

Dan! Are you okay?

Are you hurt?

Noggin' boppin'.

I got noggin' boppin'.

If you're hurt,

we should get you to a hospital.

Ah, it's just like lizards.

Rainbows are nature's rainbows.

Oh, man.

I'm going to find my phone
and call the paramedics.

No one ever returns

from los param?�dicos.

It's a little spooky out here.

You are such a baby.

Are you sure you're okay?

You were even
less coherent than usual.

It was just a little
massive head trauma.

Hey, I've had
some of that myself!

That accident
sure looked like a doozy.

- You saw it?
- I always keep an eye

on the road, just in case
someone breaks down.

It's part of what I do.

That sounds very fulfilling.

On a related note,
is there a garage near here?

Sure, there is.
What you do, friend,

is you go a mile that way...

This is all technology's fault.

Now do you see
why we have to stop it?

You boys trying
to stop technology?

Sounds crazy, I know.

Crazy like my socks!

What?

I hate technology too!

Makes me all bloop, boing...

Finally, a kindred spirit.

Nice to meet you...

Hiram.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't I help you
push your car

to that all-night ge-rage.

Then you two can spend the night
at my house while they fix it!

I think maybe a hotel.

I think that sounds great.

Thank you, Hiram.

What if he's
some kind of wackadoo?

Hey, later tonight,

we can sit around
in our jammies, eat some jerky,

and I'll teach you
how to throw a hatchet

so it'll split a skull
clean in half.

Seems fine to me.

I see you noticed
Barry's antigravity waterfall.

It has to do with the ionic
charge of the water molecules

- versus the surface area--
- I see how it works.

Home, sweet home.

Lovely place you have here.

Now, if you boys are thirsty,

that kettle's where I sterilize
my drinking water.

Actually, I am a bit parched.

It's also where I take my baths.

What time is it, by the way?

Well, let's see.
According to the stars,

it's nigh on 8:53.

Where's your television?
My stories are about to come on.

Television?
Oh, not in my house.

Tell you what, why don't
you entertain yourself

with my zoetrope.

So does this guy ever

blow up or something?

I mean, there's not even
a story arc.

Oh, I got one

of a plus-size woman
in a bubble bath,

but it's--

it's for my eyes only,
if you get me.

We get you.

Holograms are
so last millennium,

don't you think?

Barry's been working
on direct synaptic interface.

You mean mind control.

Isn't it exciting?

Soon his signal will go out
to the entire world.

I named her Peggy.

Yeah, still prefer television.

I'm getting a feeling

you don't hate technology
as much as I do.

Probably not as much.

I do like television.

So that's how it is.

Well, let me tell you

I got something
way better than television.

Have a seat.

We should probably get going.

Sit down!

We'll call this puppet Dean.

Oh, hang on.
Something's missing.

That's better.

I think these characters
are based on us.

Don't be ridiculous.

No one would do that.

And here's Dean's
big, dumb friend.

We'll call him Moose.

Moo!

Wait a minute.

I think these characters
are based on us.

Eagle's Nest,
this is Dancing Shadow.

We have a situation.

Barry Ditmer is developing
mind control technology.

Recommend
immediate neutralization.

Negative, Dancing Shadow.
Your job is to provide security,

- not investigate Mr. Ditmer.
- But--

Stay on mission,
Dancing Shadow.

Forget the mission.
I didn't give up antiquing

so some nerd
could control people's minds.

And now that I've knocked
Moose unconscious

with the plowshare,

I'm going to do unspeakable
things to you, Dan.

Oh, I mean Dean.

"Oh, no.
What will become of us?"

Well, I'll be honest.

I'm probably going
to cook and eat you.

But first,
let's have a little fun.

"Oh, no.

This isn't my idea of fun."

Oh, my.
Look at the stars.

We should really get going.

You're not going anywhere!

Yeah, Chris, sit down.
I want to see how this ends.

Not great for us.

Hey, Hiram!

Peggy!

Hey! Be careful!

Nice throw, by the way.
How did you--

It's all in the wrist.

You got to flick it out
at the end of the throw.

Ah. Thanks.

All my things!

No!

I'll get you boys for this

if it's the last thing
I ever do!

I promise you you will pay!

That guy is so angry.

Well, you did just burn
all of his stuff.

Yeah, but to be fair,
it wasn't very good stuff.

I've completed my
preliminary report, Mr. Ditmer.

The bad news is
that I've discovered

your long-distance
mind control device.

"Mind control"
is such an ugly term.

I prefer "guiding synaptic
processes from afar."

But your signal's too weak.

At least I got here
before you perfected it.

It needs some work, true,
but in time,

the entire population
will be hopelessly compelled

to buy whatever pointless
new gadget I bring to market.

You do not want to be
trapped in here with me.

Here's the Mark ll--
shorter range,

but a much more powerful signal.

And who's going to try
to put that thing on my head?

I am.

Let me introduce the lndependent
Logistics and Security Android,

ILSA for short.

So can we go home now?

Have we derailed
Barry Ditmer's plans yet?

Have we stopped the momentum
of technological progress?

You have to let this go, Dan.

Don't you see the parallels
between yourself and Hiram?

What are you talking about?

Oh, well, you hate technology.
He hates technology.

He's incredibly angry.
You're incredibly angry.

Who's angry?!
How dare you?!

- I'll strangle you!
- See?

I'll admit there does seem to be
a tenuous connection.

If you don't change your ways,
you'll end up just like him.

Oh, I think that's a stretch.

You know what?

We are going to talk about this.

We should probably
get further away

from the ax murderer
before we stop the car.

We've gone 30 miles.

There's no way he could cover
that kind of distance on foot.

To the ends of the Earth!

Well, I've been wrong before.

Don't let her touch me!

I shall obey.

She almost touched me.

Okay, let's go
destroy Omnicron Violet,

ruin Barry Ditmer's day,

and go home.

How are we going to get inside?

I'm thinking grappling hooks
and climbing equipment.

Always taking the easy way.

Think you're so great

just because you're
one of the richest

and most important people
in the world.

Jerk.

Voice recognition complete.

That is the individual
who threatened you.

Would you please
terminate them for me?

I hear and obey.

Where could he be?

He is the boss, right?

I imagine he'd be
on the top floor.

What was that?
Chris?

Chris evaporated?

No. It's too chilly for that.

Elise?
Where did you come from?

What are you doing here?

Eliminating a threat
to Mr. Ditmer.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but chrome is not your color.

Prepare to be terminated.

How does one prepare to be--
whoa!

- Seriously?
- Seriously.

I knew it!
You never liked me!

Go away.

Nobody in here but us boxes.

It's all in the wrist.

You got to flick it out
at the end of the throw.

Where am l?

I'm sorry!
Don't kill me!

Dan, it's okay.
I'm myself again.

Forgive me
if I'm not entirely reassured.

That was an amazing throw!

You cut off
the mind control headband

without hurting me at all.

Yeah? I mean, yeah.

That is what I meant to do.

Stay with Chris.

I am going to shut down
Barry Ditmer.

Nuh-uh.

I'm going to shut down
Barry Ditmer

and break his computer.

You will find a penny.

Your pockets are full of sand.

- That's weird, isn't it?
- Beats elevator music.

You sure he can't
just trap us in here?

Every computer system
can be overridden.

This one was a piece of cake.

You can't see me, but I can see you.

Rainbows are nature's rainbows.

Don't think I didn't notice,
by the way.

- Notice what?
- Chris, you knock unconscious.

Me, you try to kill.

I was under
mind control, Dan.

It wasn't my fault.

All I ever do
is reach out to you.

Well, it looks like

my new security consultant
has failed me.

Would you
destroy them, please?

- With pleasure.
- Thanks.

I got this one.
Score to settle.

I completely understand that.

No!

Barry!

ILSA!

Nooo!

Activate security protocol
"Barry's in trouble."

Prepare to be terminated.

- Uh-oh.
- Man, I hate technology.

There you are.

- Hiram!
- Barry?

You two know each other?

I'll say.
We used to be partners

until Barry here
stole my ideas,

froze me out, and stole
my half of the company.

How dare you

treat this unstable cannibal
that way?

I dropped off the grid
after that.

I've lived off the land
for 15 years.

And the occasional
stranded motorist.

You never had
the vision, Hiram.

Oh, I have a vision, Barry.
Track with me on this.

First I'm going to finish
with the little guy here.

Little guy?

How about I show you
my little fist, hill person?

And then I'm coming after you.

Not if my security robots
have anything to say about it.

Destroy them,

all of them.

- With pleasure.
- Hey, technophobe!

TV is awesome!

No!

Destroy.

Destroy. Destroy.

Destroy.

This isn't over!

Dude. Whoo!

Don't touch me!

Destroy. Destroy. Destroy.

We've got to get Chris
and get out of here.

The whole place
is coming down!

Wow. Those structure fires
really get out of hand.

- You would know.
- I sure would.

Take that, technology.

Take that, Barry Ditmer.

You know, I retract
my previous statement.

You look fine in chrome.

Thank you, Dan.

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