All language subtitles for Dan Vs s01e09 Baseball.eng

Why did that funeral
have to take so long?

I'm going to miss my show.

That's right!

It's baseball fever...

here in Los Angeles.
Good luck finding parking

anywhere near the stadium!

This is an outrage!

How does this place get messier
when I'm not even here?

Oh, well. I got my sammich,

my favorite TV show.

I'll be able to wait out
this baseball numskullery.

We are thrilled
to preempt the season finale

of "The Adventures
of Population Control Johnny"...

But we were going to find out
who stole his extra bullets!

to bring you...

baseball!

No! No!

The one thing I look forward to

at the end of a miserable,
no-good day are my stories!

Don't take that away
from me, please!

It's hit long!
It's going, going!

Home run!
It's out of the stadium!

Anything but this!

And off of a billboard
and onto the street.

Which actually happens to be

the most repugnant
neighborhood in the city.

That's my neighborhood!

It appears to be bouncing

toward that incredibly dingy
apartment building.

That's my apartment building!

Oh, no. My car!

I got it!

Looks like
someone's going home

with a nice little souvenir.

Get away from my car,
you mouth-breathers!

Thanks.

BASEBALL!!!

Baseball is
a contemptible sport.

It's not contemptible.

It needs to pay.

It ruined my TV time,

and it broke the side mirror
on my car.

- How exactly?
- It preempted my stories.

I meant the mirror thing.

Don't get bogged
down with minutiae.

Drive me to Washington.

I am going to yell
at the president of baseball.

He's called a commissioner.

Oh, commissioner.
La-dee-da.

I'll have him reimburse me
for my mirror

and promise never
to preempt my show again.

How do you plan to do that?

Step one,
you drive me to Washington.

- Step two, shut up.
- Okay, I'll go.

I don't want to hear
your excuses, you miserable--

Wait.
Did you say okay?

Yeah, do you think we could try
and get into the World Series?

I mean, the last game's being
played there in three days.

Wait. You like baseball?

I really do!

Plus I'm on my own this weekend.
Elise is--

Irrelevant.
We go to see the Commissioner.

If he won't meet my demands,

then you have to break
his legs, okay?

Uh, no.

Fine. One leg.

Come and pick me up.

Man, I hate baseball!

You can't hate baseball.

It's our national pastime.

Maybe 80 years ago.

Have you ever actually
seen a baseball game?

All the way through?
Of course not.

It's tedious.
It's like team golf.

I'll admit it's a little slow
on television,

but actually at the park,
it is magical.

They say the same thing
about childbirth,

but, buddy, that ain't magic.

I'm going to call Elise.

- Oh, yeah. Where is she again?
- Overseas.

At a consumer electronics
convention.

It should be
just about lunchtime there now.

Hey, you.

- How's the convention going?
- Oh, fine. It--

it-- hang on.

What was that?

There's a video game demo

- happening right next to me.
- Oh. Sounds cool.

Um, yeah.

Hey, can I call you back?
I'm a little busy at the moment.

Yeah, sure.
Love you.

Love you.

I... Iove you?

Back off, pal.
I'm here to see the Commissioner.

Nobody gets in
without an appointment.

Wait a minute.

Didn't you play shortstop
for Baltimore?

You were amazing!

Ex-wife got the ball contract
in the divorce.

She batted .300 last season.

You still can't see
the Commissioner.

But I have grievances.

Plus my friend Chris here's
going to break his legs.

No, I'm not.

Oh, come on.
We talked about this.

We did.
I said I wouldn't do it.

It's a federal offense to threaten
the Commissioner of Baseball.

Who's threatening?

We're talking about
full-on kidnapping here.

We have a situation here.

Two suspects are attempting
to kidnap the Commissioner.

We were only joking.
Tell them you were joking.

I never joke about kidnapping.

Dan, we've got to go.

Aah! Don't use my name!

But you just used mine,
like, two seconds ago.

Well, from now on, your new name
is Monkeyface McGee.

Let's go, Monkeyface.

Now do you hate baseball?

No, but I hate you a little bit.

All I wanted
was to see the Commissioner,

read my demands,

maybe cause him
some bodily harm.

What do we do now?

How about going to the game?

It starts in a couple of hours.

Go to a baseball game?

Have you completely lost sight
of what we're doing here?

The Commissioner will be there.

Wait! I just had an idea!

We should go
to the baseball game!

The Commissioner will be there!

- But I just--
- Yup bup bup bup.

The game's sold out,
of course, so...

You guys want tickets?

1,000 bucks each.

$1,000?

Pay the man, Monkeyface.

That was pretty much
my life savings,

but it's worth it to be here
at the World Series.

Look! Batting practice!

What's sad is this is
more interesting than the game.

Where are our seats?

Those guys are sitting in them.

I did not pay good money to have

a couple of slack-jawed yokels
gank our seats!

You didn't pay anything.

Hey, yokels, out of our seats!

These are our seats, see?

Hey, look!
They're in our seats!

We got tickets, pal!

Hey, I've got tickets
for those seats, too!

Me, too!

Everyone calm down.

Now, look, all of your tickets
are obviously counterfeit.

Ours are the real ones,
so if you'd just kindly move--

- Hey, get off me!
- Move it!

Chris, quick!
Grab a bat and help me!

Oh, no.

Uh-oh, folks.
Well, there appears to be

a minor riot here
at the stadium.

Well, that plan didn't work.

We didn't see the Commissioner,
and you're out two grand. Nice.

How can you stand
to be tear-gassed?

My eyes are watering
just sitting next to you.

I've been tear-gassed
so many times,

I don't even notice anymore.

Well--

well, I notice.
Could you back off, please?

I can barely eat
sitting next to you.

The brazen attempted kidnapping

of the Baseball Commissioner has
been foiled by the combined efforts

of several federal agencies.

These two suspects
are still at large

and are considered
armed and dangerous.

Oh, look at that.

Those pictures
don't even look like us.

Actually, Dan,
it's probably a really good thing

if the police sketches
don't look like us.

Don't be so sensitive.

One is described
as "big and goony-looking"

and goes
by the alias Monkeyface.

Goony-looking?

- Now who's sensitive?
- Well, it's just so insulting.

We need to get back to the stadium
so I can make baseball

buy me a new mirror
and stop preempting my show.

How would we even get back in?

Hey, I just
came up with the plan.

Now it's your job
to come up with the logistics.

Okay, you know, I don't want
to keep harping on this,

but you really
need to take a shower.

I'm feeling like I got maced.

Tear-gassed.
Mace is tangier.

Could you back up, please?

As soon as I hear a plan.

All right, all right.
I'll-- I'll call Elise.

Maybe she has an idea.

Hey. This isn't
really a good time.

I won't keep you. I just want to get
some advice on something.

Okay.

How would you sneak in to a place
that has a lot of security?

How would you sneak in to a place
that has a lot of security?

Excuse me.
Where is your access badge?

Funny you should ask that.

- Why do you say that?
- Never mind.

In general,
I find it helps to dress

as someone who belongs,
then talk my way in

using whatever intelligence
I have at my disposal.

- Okay, but--
- Hey, I really should get going.

There's a presentation
on proprietary databases

that I cannot miss.

Oh, okay.
Well, have fun.

Hey, could we catch up
a little later?

Sounds good. I'll call you
when I get a chance.

I feel bad for Elise.

Her job sounds so boring.

Well?

She says dress as someone
who belongs there.

Batboys!

What's with the outfit?

You look ridiculous.

I'm a batboy.
What are you supposed to be?

I'm the Batboy.

I need to see your passes.

I need no pass.

I'm Batboy.

He's the new mascot.

Yes, mascot.

He's the Baseball Bat.

- You haven't heard of him?
- No.

That suit actually has weapons?

Kind of.
I tried to throw a smoke bomb,

but it got caught in my sleeve
and went off.

Now it feels
like my arm's on fire.

Uh, Dan,
your arm is on fire.

Dan, stop, drop, and roll!

Never!

Gah! That burns!

Uh-oh. Looks like we
got ourselves another streaker.

Hey, he should
really do some sit-ups.

I can't believe I'm actually

on the field
at the World Series!

You're the new guy?

Aren't you a little old
for a batboy?

I have a condition, sir.

This is awesome!

Did you see anyone
run through here?

Yeah, a while ago.

Sir, you need to get
out on the field.

I'll escort you.

Where do I stand?

Eep!
Ball!

Ah, come on, ump!
That was a strike!

So you like baseball?

Never talk to me.

Wow!
Dan?

Foul ball!

What are you talking about?

He didn't even swing!

Are you arguing with me?

Arguing?
How could it be a foul ball?

Do you even know
the rules of baseball?

How dare you yell at me,
you cretin?

I'm going to have
your pitching license revoked!

Pitching license?

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, is that so?

That's the most ridiculous call
I've ever seen!

You're the one who's ridiculous!

- You aren't qualified to be umpire!
- I didn't learn to tie

- my own shoes until I was 12!
- You're off your rocker!

- Nobody taught me!
- You should turn in your mask!

Can you imagine how that feels?

That's it!
I'm out of here!

That's odd.

I've seen players
thrown out of games before,

but never have I seen
an umpire eject himself,

at least not in the postseason.

Here goes nothing.

Steady hands.

Hey, guess where I am right now.

- I can't really talk.
- Even for a minute?

I don't really have a minute.

Oh. Okay.
Well, it's just, you know,

we haven't gotten a chance
to talk for a couple of days,

and I miss you.

All right, where are you?

I'm on the field
at the World Series!

- What?
- I know, right?

It's incredible! I got spat on
by actual baseball players!

- That's great.
- How are you?

Hey, which color do you prefer,

orange or green?

Well...

- they both have their merits.
- Orange or green?

Are you thinking
of painting our living room?

- Orange or green?!
- Orange.

Actually, green.

$20 for a hot dog?

How can you sleep at night
charging those prices?

I sleep on a big pile of money.

But I can't sell you
a hot dog right now.

I have to go up to the skybox.

The Commissioner himself
wants a hot dog.

I wasn't going
to buy one anyway, you--

Did you say,
"The Commissioner"?

Your hot dogs are here,
Commissioner.

I'll go get your mulled wine.

What took you so long?

I had to knock
the real guy out,

change into his clothes.
It takes time.

Buns!

Mace!

Monkeyface.

Attention, Monkeyface.

Meet me in the arking lot-pay.

Oh, did you
get tear-gassed again?

- Maced.
- And you stole hot dogs.

Did they get maced?

Actually, it doesn't matter.
Can I have one?

Not yet.

Help me push this cart
to our car.

Wait. What is this?

- Where are the hot dogs?
- Help!

This, my friend,
is a bargaining chip.

Get the duct tape.

Let go!

You be quiet!
Monkeyface, tape his arms.

- Please stop calling me that.
- Nope.

So sorry about this.

- What do you want from me?
- I want my mirror!

What are you talking a--

Wait.
So we are kidnappers?

Now.

I am very disappointed in us.

Aw, me too, buddy.

Oh, man.

- Oh, man.
- Relax. We're fine.

I'll turn on the radio

so you can't hear
the muffled thumps, okay?

A massive
multistate manhunt is under way

for the kidnappers
of the Commissioner of Baseball.

See? That's better.

Oh, man.

We should give him
some water or something.

He's been lying on the floor
in the backseat for two days.

Softy.

Man, this place is filthy.
I prefer the car.

You'd better watch your mouth,
or things could get nasty,

you callous,
mirror-breaking troglodyte.

Troglodyte?
Mirror-breaking?

Yes. You broke
my side mirror,

and we're not letting you go
until baseball buys me a new one.

That's all you want?

Take my wallet
and buy yourself a new mirror.

Don't mind if I do.
See, Chris?

We're halfway there.

Go get me a new mirror,
and then get back here.

We need to build an elaborate
death trap to put him in.

Death trap?

Shouldn't we feed him something?

I don't know what
Baseball Commissioners eat.

Wait. Death trap?

Boy, I bet your neighbors
hate you.

They really do.

That's fine.
I hate them.

Let's see if this works.

Listen, you two,
it's time to let me go.

- I bought you a new mirror.
- Don't make me gag you again.

Perfect! It holds!

I'm going to call the Baseball
Council and let them know

we have their ringleader
hanging upside down.

Hanging upside down
isn't much of a death trap.

It's your fault.

You didn't get me the spinning
blades or the alligators.

I got you sharks.

I've been telling you
you're going to be on the phone.

They won't see anything anyway.

You can tell them
whatever you want.

Yeah, but it's high time
I had a death trap.

Ow! Help!

Ow! Help!

That's it.
You're getting gagged.

Give me your phone.
I'm going to make the ransom call.

You're not using my phone.
They can trace those things.

- Yeah, to you.
- Why don't you use my phone?

I'll even give you
the number to call.

Hello.

Hello, ruling body of baseball.

By now,
you realize who this is.

I sure hope not.

I don't mean who we are, Chris.

I just mean that we're the guys
who kidnapped the Commissioner.

I was an unwitting accomplice.

You're the criminal here, Dan.
I was just helping.

- Which makes you a criminal.
- You make me a criminal.

So we're criminals!
Now, where was l?

- You want them to--
- I know!

I know, dunderhead.
Be quiet.

Now, if you don't stop
preempting my show--

What show was preempted?

"The Adventures
of Population Control Johnny."

What? I love that show.
I would never preempt it.

- I watch it before the game.
- You lie.

It's probably
the time difference thing.

Tell you what.
You let me go,

and I'll make sure that show
is never preempted again.

How do I know I can trust you?

What was the season finale
of the show about?

Who stole Johnny's
extra bullets. It was--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't tell me!

You know, this is kind of sad.

I've really grown attached
to the little guy.

Me too, buddy,
but it's the right thing to do.

And if you don't do
the right thing...

I will. I promise.
Thank you for letting me go.

Wait! Can you untie me?

And where am I?

Hey.
I brought you something

from the consumer
electronics convention.

Wow! What is it?

Paperweight.
It's completely harmless.

Why wouldn't it be?

We've been through a lot together,

television, old friend,
but it's worth it.

And now we're happy to preempt

your regularly scheduled
programming to bring you

basketball!

Oh, come on!

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