Original subtitles

[narrator] Previously On Work In Progress.

This bitch at work. She's like,

"I went to Costco and got you almonds."

I laid out 180 almonds.

And every day I'm just gonna throw one away.

There's one almond left and I don't feel any better.

I'm done.

I'm sure you remember my sister Abby.

You really need to get a new therapist.

Happy wife, happy life.

I love you, honey. I love you too, babe.

[Abby] Hey, you know what?

It looks like I didn't even need saving from Susan after all.

We should talk about your future.

King I really like.

[all arguing] You totally cheated!

I have one almond left, Chris.

Abby, those almonds are completely arbitrary.

They mean nothing. They mean everything.

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-

[wind blowing]

[breathing machine hissing]

[cell phone rings]

I was in love with the big blue ocean.

Letting her waves take me anywhere.

Fulfilled with the words not spoken

[door closes, locks]

Silence and the salt in my hair.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Never fall, never fall.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

I was in love with the big blue ocean.

Letting her waves take me anywhere...

Why... did I dream about ham?

[wheezing] Oh, God.

[laughing]

Please never tell me.

Me want coffee.

No.

[both laugh]

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, wow!

Hold on, I'm going to write in my journal

that you said "thank you."

Okay...

Campbell said thank you.

- Now I'm embarrassed. - [both laugh]

I hope you have a good day.

Well, you have a wonderful day at work today, dear.

Thank you, my sweet.

I'm gonna have a four-martini lunch

and try not to fuck the secretary.

You have a secretary?

Hey.

This is still kind of fun, right?

Kind of!

[softly] Ahh!

I...

don't really have a better way to say it but,

life just got in the way of me killing myself?

[Dr. Jones] "Life" kept you alive?

Tell me what that means.

I mean, I know it doesn't sound very elegant, but, um,

like, shit kept happening.

So I never... got around to it.

Give me an example.

Well, I got a promotion.

That's something to live for.

Not really.

But it does keep me extra busy at work now.

At my desk, so I,

I don't have as much time to think of different ways

to end it.

I'm still going to count that as a net positive.

And my best friend Campbell moved in.

That's good, right?

Well, she moved in because her dog died.

[sobs] How does a dog even suffocate

in a bag of fucking rice cakes?

There was a whole rotisserie chicken carcass

in the garbage that she could've eaten.

I mean, she was held back at that K9 High place.

Remember that?

Yeah, you got fucked up...

[both laugh]

It was the money poorly spent.

I mean, I got it on, like, a Groupon, I feel.

[Abby laughs]

Oh, I'm just gonna miss her so much.

Hey, look at me for a second.

Everything will be okay.

We'll get through it.

Oh, and a pipe burst,

which basically ruined all of my journals,

and that is my entire life and its history.

Wow, that's a lot.

And now it's like every morning

I'm waking up 45 minutes earlier.

'Cause I really need my alone time.

And I'm not at all a morning person.

Sounds like a great deal of change

in a short amount of time.

How are you handling that?

I don't really...

I don't know how to answer that but I

guess I'm still here.

Net positive.

I hope you think this went well.

Yeah.

Same day next week?

I'd really like that.

And I also... I just really want to say

thank you for listening to me.

For all intensive purposes, that's my job!

Uh, what did you just say?

Um, that's my job?

No, right before that.

"Intensive purposes?"

[crunching]

So I take it you're still looking

for a new therapist then?

Ha-ha!

For all "intensive purposes."

Yes, sir.

Did you call him out on it though?

No.

Why not?

He's Black.

Okay, so?

I cannot call out a Black person for making grammatical mistakes.

That is clearly racist.

Not calling out a Black person

for their grammatical mistakes is racist.

I mean, he's a fucking doctor,

he should know better.

See, I mean, I knew I was being racist.

I just didn't know how.

Hey,

I'm always happy to let you know

how and when you're being racist, okay?

Don't even worry.

Hey, you know what?

I promise to always tell you

when you make grammatical mistakes.

Lady, I'm a copywriter.

If you come for my grammar

I'ma edit your ass out of my life.

Okay?

All right.

For all "intents and purposes."

- Okay. - [laughs]

All right, I'll see you later, okay, friend?

- Hey, no problem. - All right.

[Susan] Hi, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Okay... here we go

[vomits] Susan, are you okay?

[Susan] Yeah, yeah, I'm totally,

I, oh, God...

[retches]

[toilet flushes]

I really hate barfing.

I don't know of anybody who loves barfing.

I'm pregnant.

I'm so sorry, Susan.

If there's anything I could I'd love to help.

What?

Are you kidding?

I'm so, so excited!

I've been trying for many an ovulation, I know that.

Oh, Abby, I'm going to tell the office.

Very soon, but until then,

mum's the word, okay?

I'm kind of surprised that you want kids.

- It's so great! Yeah! - I know, I know!

I gotta tell you, motherhood has already been

- an amazing journey... - Sure.

Oop, my mouth's watering...

- Everyday is a blessing! - You know, Susan,

I think we have different definitions of blessing.

[chopping]

[Campbell] Hey, I'm home.

Jesus.

Are you sweating?

[laughs] Come on!

I'm chopping vegetables.

Why?

"Wellness."

Heard of it?

- [laughs] - No, I don't think I have.

Unless you mean these.

Uh...

I'm just trying not to drink as much at home anymore.

Well, fine, let's go out to the back porch!

[laughs]

You can't do self-care when I'm in crisis.

I just can't tonight, okay? No.

[chopping] But thank you.

All right, well, suit yourself.

Hmm.

You know what?

I'll have one.

Mm. Like we would ever have more than just one.

- Never. - Mm-hmm.

Now I've been thinking about it.

I know why you dreamt about ham.

- You do? - Mm-hmm.

[Alison] Who cares?

It's comfortable.

Comfortable?

Aly, it's socks and sandals.

Not only that,

she's like this bubbly, saccharine... like, redhead.

And like,

couldn't be older than 32.

And she couldn't catch a hint.

And I'm supposed to listen to her tell me how to manage this?

It just can't work.

You know what I think?

You know what? I do.

I have a very good idea of what you think.

Well, I think that you're looking for any sort of excuse

to not commit to somebody.

It is really hard to find the right person.

Oh, yeah,

it's hard to find the right person

when it's the most idealized person imaginable.

Alison, I'm just not gonna settle.

I'm worried about you, Abby.

Really? That's a first.

[sighs, chuckles] All right.

Forget it. Fine.

You know what?

I want you take this phone charging cord.

It's six feet and it is very useful.

Here you go.

This looks very useful.

- Oh, it is. It's very useful. - Oh, thank you.

So, how's Campbell?

You know what?

She's doing okay.

About as well as we could expect, I think.

And how is living together?

[chuckles]

That is something we're figuring out.

Journaling?

The goal post is up!

[mimics cheering]

Finally.

It's only been sitting in a box for what? Months?

That... it hasn't been months.

[Alison, sarcastic] Oh, okay.

Yeah, sure, you know, what is time?

Okay, I've been busy at work.

And with my band...

And I was really hoping that Meg

would get around to maybe putting it up herself.

- [Alison] Oh, Meg? - [Mike] Mm-hmm.

Well, she is 15.

Oh, I don't know why you're looking at me

when you say that.

Just... for the record.

Oh. Yeah, I'm here for the record.

Duly noted, my liege.

Good. Um...

You need a ride home?

I don't think so, but thanks.

- [Mike] Are you sure? - Yeah.

I mean, it's really, it's not a problem.

I mean, at all.

Yeah, okay.

I would love one, um...

Uh, you can't come upstairs though, okay?

That's the deal.

Wha... Why? [Scoffs]

God, why did I even offer?

[Abby sings] Go fuck yourself.

- [Alison chuckles] - What's that?

[Abby] You heard me.

- Love you. - I'll be right out.

What's going on?

That was so weird.

Well, we're fine.

We... we are, we are.

Okay, uh...

Just know that you can call me if you need to, okay?

You know what? I actually think you should really consider

getting one of those seasonal bad mood lamps.

Yeah, I think it would be very good for you.

I think it would be so good for me.

Yeah, in fact, I will email you some literature right now.

- That sounds fantastic. - Mm-hmm.

Aly.

I love you, okay?

- I love you, too. - Okay.

- Hey, Aly? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, here we go.

- Who's that dancing queen? - Oh, here we go.

Whoo-hoo!

- Ah do, ah do... [laughs] - Oh, my God.

[Abby] Keep the change, all right?

[woman] Thank you.

- Have a great day. - You too.

Hey!

- You're getting cookies? - Well, yeah.

I mean, you were taking so long in there

my blood sugar was getting dangerously low.

I'm still so excited that it's legal!

Look, they have cannabis toothpaste and dope on a rope!

- Oh. - Come on. Yeah.

I'm overwhelmed by all the choices.

Well, clearly, 'cause you bought out the whole store!

- [laughs] - It's not just for me.

Okay, I'm sorry, but just because it's legal

does not mean that Alison is gonna partake.

[laughs] Well, you know,

we used to smoke a little grass in college.

Oh, did you smoke grass?

Okay, Wavy Gravy.

- [Mike chuckles] - Tool box!

Yeah, well, things at home have been... tense.

Yeah, I noticed.

Aly's so wound up and we're fighting all the time.

And she insists there's no problem.

Maybe you should try counseling.

Like, couples therapy?

Yeah.

Look, you know how I hate to brag.

- [both laugh] - Yeah?

But you did marry into a family

of very poor communicators.

So, couples go through this.

Or so I hear.

Marriage is pretty tough I hear.

Yeah.

That's what all the movies tell me anyway.

Do you want me to call a Lyft or...?

- Sorry. - No, it's okay.

- Okay, sorry, okay, here we go. - Okay.

[Campbell over phone] Oh! Hey, I think I need

some more underwear too.

[Abby] Damn right you do.

- [both laugh] - The worst.

Oh! And can you grab me a few more work shirts?

People are starting to notice.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Oh!

Oh, no, no, no.

- No what? What's happening? - Oh, my God!

It's Ankles.

Oh, my God! No!

Oh, it's the girl from Stilts, remember her?

I remember her.

She's walking this way.

[blows raspberry] She's? Oh, I'm sorry.

She's not allowed to walk on the streets?

Oh, okay, okay. She's turned around.

She's turned around. It's fine.

Okay. Oh, my God.

Hey, do you need anything else from in here?

Um...

My eye mask, but the cow one.

So if I get you this, will you promise

not to wake up four times a night?

No, I cannot give you that promise.

[Abby laughs]

Oh, God, Ankles, she was such a bitch to me.

Like, she thought we were dating or something

and I was like, "Nah, no offense."

Well, I do kind of take offense to that.

[laughs] Oh.

- Listen. - [Campbell laughing]

Chandler will kill us if we skip another game night.

I'm not afraid of Chandler.

Bullshit.

We're all afraid of Chandler.

She will skin us.

She'll wear us as skin suits.

That's just a little outrageous.

I need you to stop watching so many murder documentaries.

I need you to start.

[Abby] I just don't feel like being loud

and fun tonight, okay?

Oh, so, just loud?

[laughs]

I'm burnt!

Thank you.

You know what?

If you want to go, I'll go, all right?

"Want" is a strong word.

Okay, shoo, get the hell out.

- Go. Bye-bye. - Bye.

Huh!

Huh! Huh!

Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

Smile help turns the world upside down.

Mary Tyler... fucking Moore!

Yes, Queen.

That is some old White lady knowledge.

[Abby] Thank you very much.

What? What do you know?

I'm like, "I don't want a piece of ice."

[all laugh]

I was in almost every Lifetime movie.

- From Nightmare... - [all yelling]

[laughs]

Okay, so when you're quitting smoking,

you chew this.

- Gum. - Gum.

Yeah. No, no, no, what kind?

- Nicorette! - Yes!

- Sounds like? - Oh, Nicolette.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[woman screams] Nicollette Sheridan!

Yes!

- [all laughing] - [cheering]

[rock music plays]

I mean, fuck you!

Fuck you, fuck you, you, you, you,

you, you and you!

Wait. Okay, okay. Who am I?

- "Yeah, I solve crimes." - [laughs]

- Eddie doing Colombo! - Yes!

Yeah!

Um, I'm sorry, there's way more nuance

with whatever that was. [Laughs]

- Hey, babe. - Hey.

I'm going to get going soon.

Okay. Was it weird? Did you have fun at least?

No, oh, my God, what are you talking about?

- It was a dream. - Great.

I'm just late for Body Hack.

Oh, okay.

The fundraiser for Chris's top surgery.

I'm really happy for him.

It's totally great.

Bye.

[indistinct chatter]

[Abby] Like, why does being in a relationship

suddenly make you a better person?

Or like a whole person?

[Kate] I agree.

Society puts an unhealthy emphasis

on romantic partnering.

Yeah.

And it's bullshit, you know,

because I have fulfilling relationships.

Like, I have, like, really good friends

and my family.

Talk a little more about that.

Am I sounding pretty defensive about it?

I've been told...

- No, not at all. - Okay.

I mean, I understand what you're saying.

It just sounds like you have some

unresolved issues with your last partner

that are just bubbling beneath the surface.

Yeah.

[chuckles] You could say that.

Um...

I would say

the one,

the main thing

about my relationship

with Chris

is, um...

I really regret how it ended.

Um, and it's something I haven't been able

to really move beyond.

Um...

I can't forgive myself for it.

But why do you feel like it was your fault?

Well, everything's my fault.

Haven't you heard the word on the street?

Uh...

This actually really...

This actually really was all my fault.

Um...

How so?

On the night of the break-up, uh

when he dumped me...

I was just so sad.

I would say more, it's more devastated,

anxious

and fucking furious.

I was so angry.

It felt like every fear I've had

about this relationship, like,

all my fears were coming true.

My anger took over and I screamed out his dead name.

Oh.

I'm so ashamed of it and I know

it was the wrong thing to do.

Hold on.

Is that a deal breaker for us?

Am I just so bad that you won't see me anymore?

Is that why you closed your book?

Did you say that your ex's name is Chris?

Yeah.

Abby.

What? Like, look,

I know it's unforgivable.

I know I have so much to make up for,

but, like, you're the ninth therapist I've been to

since the break-up

and the only one I really have felt a connection with

and I haven't wanted to run out screaming from the room...

Abby, due to client-patient confidentiality,

I can't disclose more than the fact that there's

a conflict of interest here and I cannot be your

therapist.

Why?

This is a conflict of interest here.

What are...

Are you Chris's therapist?

I need to end our conversation.

Holy shit.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to take your time

and please just forget everything.

Please don't tell him I was here.

I'm so sorry.

Uh, thanks for your time.

You seem like a really nice person,

but motherfucker, fuck me!

Look, I'm really sorry, okay?

- It's okay. Just... - Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Just leave those.

Or take one, take, just take it.

I'm sorry.

I'm just really, I'm sorry.

[garage door opening]

[clicks light switch]

[sobbing]

Fuck.

[sighs]

What do you want, high or low?

High... my allergies

are b-b-b-bad.

[beeps]

What up, dust bunnies?

I mean, you are welcome to pick up a broom

- whenever you want. - Oh, how sweet.

- No, thank you. - [groans]

Here you go.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

I owe you.

Don't start, okay?

I... I feel so stupid

not being able to go home yet.

It's not stupid.

It makes all the sense in the world to me.

I know, but I just, like, think about

her little bowl

and her collar

and all of those little mangled sheep toys,

you know what I mean?

So many massacred little sheep.

I know.

Hey,

you can stay here as long as you need, okay?

I mean,

it's still kind of fun, right?

Yeah.

Kinda.

Okay, rude!

[both laugh]

[chuckles] Oh, my God.

Okay.

I have been meaning to ask you a question.

When you bring girls home, do you wear that?

Uh... no,

not on the first night,

but if they get to have a second overnight,

absolutely, they get to see the mask.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So if they're so lucky, they get to see it.

Yeah, this is expensive.

One of my most expensive items,

- so I'll show it off. - [laughs]

The luckiest girls in the world.

[both laugh]

Oh, man. Lord.

Oh, no, no.

[laughs] Oh. Here we go.

All right. Goodnight, you freak.

I love you.

[muffled] I love you.

I'm sorry, I couldn't catch that.

[muffled] I love you too.

No, I'm sorry, could you do that one more time?

I couldn't quite catch that.

I love you too!

- [laughs] - Okay.

- Fuck you. - Fuck you! I heard that one.

[laughs]

[Campbell muffled] Your clock is so bright.

[Abby] What?

[Campbell] Your clock is so bright!

[Abby] Trust me, I know.

[breathing machine hisses]

If I could I would stay.

Given this bedrock day.

Go.

But I quite like the way.

Pretty girls sway to my.

Sorrow.

Won't you lay near me please.

Good-byes aren't easy to.

Swallow.

Here take my heart from me.

I don't need all this old.

Sorrow.

Sorrow

[music ends]

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