All language subtitles for Vacation.Friends.2021.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO-HI

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[Latin music playing]

[singing in Spanish]

[chattering]

[horn honking]

All right, baby. So, what color
do you want for your beach umbrella?

I picked indigo.
Shit, I don't even know what indigo is.

Also, look. Do you want a girl or a guy
for our couples massage?

Ooh. I don't actually think
I want a couples massage with you.

Why not?

Well, baby, because you're always moaning
and groaning and saying stuff like,

"Ooh, yeah. Right there. Right there.
Ooh, yeah. Don't stop." [sighs]

Yeah. I be into it, man.

When they touching the right spot, can't
help but let 'em know how good it is.

The masseuse likes that.

And plus, I have so much tension, baby.

Maybe you wouldn't have so much tension
if you weren't always on your phone.

Baby, I'm working on four projects
at the same time.

We gotta use different builders
all across the city.

You know...

- But you know what? You're right.
- Hmm.

I'ma put this away, and no more phones
for the rest of this vacation.

- [cell phone rings]
- Oh, hold up.

Hi, Daddy.
No, this is fine. We just landed.

Yeah. Marcus, there he is.

[Latin music continues]

Yeah, Daddy. The flight was fine.
Yeah, I'm here with Marcus.

Still.
[whispering] We have talked about this.

Daddy, I know. I do love him.

[phone rings]

Front desk.

Can you connect me with Maurillio?

Speaking, Mr. Parker.

How'd you know it was me?

Uh, let's just say
after eight or nine calls,

I become very much acquainted
with the timbre of your voice.

I'm just calling you to confirm
you set up everything we discussed.

Yes. Yes, yes.
I have personally seen to it.

The Dom Pérignon,
the rose petals in the bed,

the Bill Withers playlist
"Greatest Hits: No Deep Cuts."

Sir, if she says no after all this,
I will marry you.

All right, Maurillio. Not... Not you too...

[man chanting]

[whooping]

[Maurillio] Sir? You trailed off.

All good. Gracias.

Oh, baby, look at those two.

- What? These lunatics?
- What? No.

They look like they're having fun.
We should try that.

- That looks fun to you?
- Yes.

That's the reason why you don't see a lot
of Black paraplegics. You know why?

'Cause we don't do stupid shit like that.

Look at 'em. They riding around
like they got no insurance.

[engine revving]

[woman] Oh, my God. This is the hotel?

Maybe it's not too late for us to get a
room at the Best Western by the airport.

[both laughing]

Mr. Parker! And you must be Emily.
I'm Maurillio, the manager.

Please help yourselves to a papaya paleta

powdered in our house-roasted
guajillo-cacao rub.

Oh. I don't know what this is, but cheers!

You must be very eager
to get to your suite

where there may or may not be
a surprise waiting for you.

- A surprise?
- [Maurillio] Hmm.

I don't know. Let's find out.

- Hmm.
- Okay. [giggles]

[Maurillio] Now, Emily,
I want you to know something.

This man right here,
he loves you very, very much.

Yes, he does.

[giggles] But how do you know that?

Let's just say I have a feeling.

[chuckles]

Ladies first.

So that you may be the first one
to see what awaits, if anything.

There could be nothing.

- What the fuck is your problem?
- What is it?

- What the fuck? You giving out clues.
- It's fine.

- It's not fine!
- It's fine.

- No, it's not!
- Come on.

[Latin pop music playing]

- Ah. We have finally arrived.
- Thank you.

- Ahhh.
- Okay.

Señora,
may you always remember this moment.

For the rest of your life.

- Okay. [giggles]
- Ooh. We could take a picture of this.

["Lovely Day" playing]

Oh. [whimpers]

I cannot apologize enough.

It seems the guests
in the Presidential Suite

above your room overfilled the Jacuzzi.

So, that means you're gonna put us
in another room, right?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

If there was room available,
it would be yours.

Sadly, the hotel is fully booked.

Why would you say "of course" if you
knew you didn't have another room?

You know how misleading that is?

Can you just check
with any of the other hotels nearby?

Of course. We have relationships with all
of the five-star hotels. No problem.

Just a second.

Hmm.

Well, let me go ahead and also check
for four-star hotels.

Ah. You know, a lot of people have issues
with three-star hotels,

but they are just as good
as five-star hotels.

Yeah, after three,
it's, like, too much, you know?

[typing]

And there you have it.

One-star hotel with a great room
at the Airport Best Western.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Well, according to this, sir,
it is the best Western in the area.

Let me tell you something, okay?
I had an itinerary planned.

We was gonna go whale watching,
we was gonna go tequila tasting.

- I booked a dinner at sunset on the beach!
- [man] Maurillio!

- Where is that son of a bitch?
- [woman] Yes!

Maurillio! My amigo.

Thank you so much for
that Jet Ski hookup.

Man, we felt some killer waves
on the second break.

- Oh, my gosh. Then we got high as shit.
- We did.

So we literally had to jump off
and go body surfing.

Yeah, but we turned around
and the Jet Ski was gone.

But don't freak out because I actually
took a photo of exactly where we left it.

You are gonna have no problem finding it.

[man] She's the brains.

Okay, okay. Thank you, señora.

You're welcome. [giggles]

Excuse me, lady with the phone
in the goddamn sandwich bag.

Hi. How are you guys?

Were you guys having a conversation?

'Cause you assumed that Maurillio
wasn't already talking to somebody.

You just walk your happy ass in here
and cut me off.

Now, look. I don't mean to snap.
It's a lot going on right now.

- I'm a little stressed out.
- It's okay.

I just wanna holler at him real quick.
Can I do that?

- Yeah. You enjoy your day.
- Thank you.

Enjoy this gorgeous weather.

[laughs]

Maurillio. You do know how important
this trip is to us, man.

Yes, of course.
We want your proposal to be perfect.

- Proposal?
- Oh, shit.

- [Emily] Baby.
- No, no. I will fix this.

Emily.

- I am sorry. I cannot fix it.
- Fuck you, Maurillio!

That's fair.

Babe, come over here.
Let me talk to you.

- Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes.
- You guys have a good one. [giggles]

- Did she text you back?
- Nah, not yet.

I'm sorry this didn't go as I planned it.

Look, um…

Oh, my God.

[Marcus] I might as well do it up.

Okay, I'm just try...

- My flow is all thrown off.
- It's okay. Just keep going.

Just please, just keep going.

[Marcus] Baby, um…

- Shut up!
- [Marcus] Look, you mean so much to me.

- Baby, I love you so much.
- [breathes shakily]

And I know today has been
all over the place…

[sighs]

…and I can be a bit of a control freak,

and when stuff ain't going my way,
I get all uptight,

- and I overthink things…
- Oh, baby.

…but the one thing
I could never think twice about…

is how much I actually love you.

- Baby, will you marry me?
- [gasps]

Yes! [chuckles]

- Oh, yes!
- Oh, my God.

- Yes! Yeah! Fucking A, Maurillio. Yes!
- Yes!

- [man] You had me! You were like…
- [woman] That was beautiful!

"The only thing
I didn't need to think about was you."

You guys! It was you.

It was... Baby, I love you!
I love you so much.

Baby, I love you so much. I love you.

And you know what,
I don't care that we lost the room.

I know. I know how hard you worked.
I don't care.

We can camp out on the beach.
I just wanna be your woman!

No! No! Nobody's camping on the beach.

- You get that out of your head right now.
- I love you guys.

- Like, you have to stay with us.
- With us.

Consider it, like, our engagement present
to your beautiful souls.

Yes.

- Nah. Yeah. Yeah. We're okay.
- Nah, we good. Yeah. We're fine.

You're gonna say no
to the Presidential Suite?

It has a Jacuzzi and everything.

[Latin music playing]

I know we gave that tub a rough ride,
but what happened to craftsmanship, right?

- [footsteps approaching]
- Eh.

Okay. So I had them move your bags
to the master suite.

Oh, girl. That is way too much.

What? No, no, no.

Get yourselves comfortable.
You are our guests.

It is truly the least we can do

after our wonky 'cuzzi fucked up
your totally beautiful proposal.

Well, look. Maybe…

Maybe for tonight, okay?

- Until we get another hotel.
- Yes!

- Yes! Oh, boy!
- Settled. Who's thirsty?

Sit, sit, sit. Get comfortable.

Oh, if you guys are worried about privacy
and you wanna get really kinky tonight...

We're extremely loud.

I don't know what these walls are made
of, but you seriously can't hear anything!

Okay. Listen.

[door closes]

[woman screams]

[door opens]

You're not gonna believe this.
I just screamed in there.

- Uh…
- Yeah, we, um… we... we... we heard you.

Are you sure it was me?

- Yeah. Pretty certain.
- [phone rings]

Yo! Oh, no, we're fine.

Nah, it's just my gal screaming.
[sniffs] Yeah, you bet.

Hey, guys.
I don't mean to pry or anything,

but are you guys, like,
secret billionaires or something?

- Why do you ask?
- 'Cause this place looks very expensive.

Oh, super expensive. We spent, like,
every penny we had on this place.

Yeah.

Wait. Why would you do that?

[man] My buddy Charlie came here
way back when and raved about it.

If we're gonna go on vacation,
might as well go all out, right?

And just go broke?

Oh, we'll make more money.

I work in a doctor's office.
Ron here is a park ranger.

And not to brag, we're pretty good.

Kyla and I always say
if we find ourselves with too much money,

we haven't been spending it fast enough.

That... That's one way to live.

You know, they say
money buys you freedom,

but how can you really be free if you're
thinking about making money all the time?

Well, I guess it's your welfare checks
I've been paying. [chuckles]

Possibly. Possibly, Marcus.

- [chuckling] Anyway, to the happy couple.
- [Kyla] To the happy, gorgeous couple!

- All right.
- [Kyla] Yeah, you're engaged!

[giggles]

- [slurping]
- Oh, that is good.

Ron makes the best margaritas,
and let me just tell you, girl.

- Babe.
- It gets the job done.

[Ron] Indeed.

So, Ron. What park do you work at?

Oh. Oregon National Cave Monument.
It's in Oregon.

Whoa. You work in caves?

I'm like Batman. If Batman's job was
to keep kids from jacking off stalagmites.

[Kyla] Totally.

What about you guys?

Uh, we're from Chicago, actually.

I work in finance and Marcus owns
his own construction company.

Quick question.
Um, why does the salt not taste salty?

- Oh, because it's cocaine.
- What?

- You drugged us?
- [Ron, Kyla] Yeah.

I thought I made it really clear
when I said to her... I was like, you know,

- "It'll get the job done."
- "It gets the job done."

Get the job done? That's not clear.
That's very vague, okay?

What is wrong with you?
Why would you put cocaine in margaritas?

Because we're on vacation.

I don't do drugs.

- Even on vacation?
- No.

[both laughing]

- [Ron] He almost had me!
- [Kyla] Oh, my God.

- He almost... [laughs]
- It's so good!

- You! Oh, man! This is... This guy!
- Oh, my God. I just...

It would have been nice
if you would've told us

that you was gonna put cocaine
in our drink.

Where'd you get the coke from, anyway?

We actually brought it from home.
Very, very easy if you ever wanna try it.

It's just a Ziploc
in a full shampoo bottle.

The scanners can't see it,
dogs can't smell it,

and it's so much more comfortable
than when I had it in my ass.

You guys want nibbles?

- Mmm.
- [cell phone vibrates]

Oh.

Wait a minute.

[sighs] What now, baby?

Whale watching. I forgot
I booked a whale watching tour at 4:30.

What? You guys just got here.

Marcus likes to plan.

You know what? Good for you.

'Cause without a plan,
the world falls apart.

I mean, garbage doesn't get collected.

Water slides don't get built.
Planes fall from the sky.

Planning makes the world work.

Yeah, it's just, uh… just whale watching.

Wait. I have an idea.
We were actually gonna go to the water.

We can walk you guys down, all chat and
get to know each other a little bit more.

- What do you say?
- All right. Let's go get changed.

[Kyla] Yay!

I love your whole everything, by the way.

- [man chanting]
- [baby crying]

They said this was exclusive.

"An exclusive, luxury experience."
That's what the website said.

This is really gonna bum out the whales.

[Kyla] Baby, this is so gross.

I won't be able to sleep at night
if I know they've gone on this boat.

You guys,
you should just come with us in our boat.

- [Ron] That's a great idea.
- Wait a minute. That boat is yours?

As long as we're staying here it is.
We rented it. What do you say? Our treat.

- I mean, I'm down if you're down.
- [Kyla gasps]

- Yay!
- [chuckling] Oh.

[laughs] Could you give us a second?

- Gonna talk to my lady really quick.
- No problem. Not a problem.

- Be right back.
- See you in a bit.

- Baby.
- Yeah, babe?

How is someone already throwing up?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
This is not weird to you?

- I mean...
- Don't look. They're not weird?

They're the only people I've ever heard of
to smuggle drugs into Mexico.

- I don't know, baby. Screw it.
- What?

Can we for once, just in our lives,

just say "screw it" to all the plans
and just get on a damn boat?

Look at it. It's kind of amazing.

[scoffs]

Look. The only reason I'm gonna do this
is 'cause I love you.

Mm-hmm.

And it's because you my fiancée now.

- Fiancée?
- Yeah.

- Well, I like the sound of that.
- Yeah.

Mmm.

- We do too.
- Jesus!

- Fiancée.
- [chuckles]

Look, thanks for the offer, okay?
We're... We're in.

- Fuck yeah! Yeah!
- Yay! Guys...

[Latin pop music playing]

Goddamn, sailing makes my dick hard.
I'm almost at half-mast.

Okay, man. Where did you learn
to sail a boat like this?

[Ron] I did cleanup work
off Malaysia one summer.

Learn all kinds of stuff
when you're at sea.

Look at that bird. You know I can tell
from here that bird's about to shit.

Watch.

[squawks]

Ugh.

What type of skill set do you gotta have
just to predict when a bird gonna shit?

It's weird, but it's impressive.

I'll take it.

So, you said you were a nurse, right?

No. [laughs]

I am more of, like,
an assistant to Dr. Adolphus.

- Interesting name.
- I know, right?

He's had to change it, like,
a million times

because the Feds are always after him.

But what can I say?
The benefits are really worth it.

- Like what? Good insurance?
- [chuckles]

- Free pills.
- [chuckles]

Hey, Marcus. Want to take her for a spin?

No, I don't... I don't...
I don't drive boats. I don't sail.

Then who's gonna drive the boat?
'Cause I'm not driving.

- There's no one driving the boat.
- Man, are you out your fucking mind?

- Hey, man! What's wrong with you?
- Look at you.

- Look at me do what?
- You're driving the boat.

- Who's driving the boat?
- You are.

- I'm driving the boat?
- Scoot over. Scoot over.

Here.

Hands off.

[chuckling] Whoa.

That's a lot smoother
than I thought it was gonna be.

Yeah, man, relax.

Feel the wind in your hair.

We have different hair.

No, it's all good.
I can still feel the wind…

on my face.

[chuckles]

For the captain.

[Marcus] Thanks, man.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

This is living.

Goddamn, I need a tequila.

You want one? I'm pouring.

- Chilled or straight up?
- Yeah, I'll take a tequila.

Nice. Just, uh,
keep an eye out for the rocks.

Yeah, I'll take it on the rocks too.
Thank you.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna have it chilled
and on the rocks.

It's gonna be extra cold. [laughs]

Hey, baby.

[chuckles]

You feel that?

That's all me, your fiancé.

[chuckles] Captain Marcus.

["Summer Breeze" playing]

- [Ron] Marcus! Marcus!
- [Emily] Oh, my God!

- [Kyla screams]
- [Marcus screams]

[all screaming]

[screaming]

[rescue technician speaking Spanish]

[emergency radio chatter]

Oh, my God, baby.
Baby, I'm so glad you're okay.

Look... Look, y'all. I'm so...
I'm... I'm so sorry, okay?

I don't... I don't know what happened.
I'm usually the careful guy.

- I don't... I don't even know what to say.
- I do.

[together] That was fucking awesome!

- [Ron] Oh!
- Whoa.

Y'all not mad at me
for crashing your boat?

Mad? Are you kidding me?
Come on. Nobody's dead, right?

Plus, you guys,
how lame would our story be

if it was just, like,
"a regular old day of sailing"?

- [laughs]
- You flipped a catamaran!

Look, look.
I know that boat cost you a ton of money.

- No, man.
- No.

The rental guy made us sign, like,
a billion papers.

Dude, insurance. He
probably made money.

There's nothing wrong with giving back.

No, no, no! Please,
there's gotta be something I can do.

Yeah, there is.
You're buying the first round.

- [Kyla] Whoo!
- [Ron] Yes!

[Kyla whoops]

[Latin hip-hop music playing]

[laughing]

[cheering]

[Ron] Hook me up. Hook me up.

[Ron] There we go. Yeah!

- Come on! Bring it in.
- Whoo!

Drink!

[Kyla] Wahoo!

- ¡Viva la revolución!
- [cheering]

[Ron] Line 'em up! Let's do it!

- Wow. One more?
- [cheering continues]

[all] Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis.

¡Veinticuatro, veinticinco!

¡Cincuenta y cinco! Come on, baby!
Cien! Cien! Yeah!

- Whoo!
- [screams]

Yo, you're not gonna step in and help?

Her or him?

- [grunts]
- Fuck you, you baby-faced little bitch!

- To any motherfuckers here!
- Check.

- [Kyla] I don't care if I kill you!
- [all shouting]

Fuck you!

- [Ron] Come on!
- [Kyla] Come on, Marcus! Yeah! Come on!

Whoo!

[Kyla, Ron] Whoo!

[cheering]

- Are you kidding me? Come on.
- Hey!

Anybody could do this.

Hey, padre. How much is it
to get somebody in the ring?

Ooh!

No, no, no. No. No, no, no, no.
[grunts] No, no, no.

[grunts]

- [cheering]
- [laughs]

- Yeah!
- [cheering continues]

[Kyla, Emily chanting]

[Kyla, Emily cheering]

[Kyla] Yes! [laughs]

[Emily] It is going to be real hard
to go back to the real world tomorrow.

- I know.
- [groans]

I mean, I'm looking forward to
planning my wedding,

- but it is gonna be a shit show.
- Mmm.

You know, that's exactly why
Ron and I never got hitched.

Oh. I guess... I guess I just assumed
you guys already were.

No. Spiritually, we've probably been
married six or seven times,

but like "governmentally,"
you know, with the license,

we just never really saw the point.

Not even for kids?

Kids aren't in the cards for us.

I mean, we'd obviously be incredible
parents, but it's not gonna happen.

[laughing]

Would you look at those two?

I mean, 'cause I have never seen Marcus
this relaxed. [chuckles] It's amazing.

- [whispers] Emily.
- What?

I'm Ron's prisoner.

What are you talking about?

I've been trying to find the time to get
you alone, but I haven't been able to.

Emily, he abducted me from a shopping
mall when I was 12.

Okay? He's completely
crazy. He has a gun.

- A gun?
- Yeah. Shh.

He's... He's made me live in a basement.
He's made me eat cat food.

And he makes me go to the bathroom
in a little lawn chair with a hole in it.

- What the hell? Why?
- I need to find a way to get his gun.

- We can't...
- We're not safe!

- What the hell?
- [laughs]

- I got you.
- You were really jok... You're such...

- You're the worst.
- I just got you.

- [Emily] That was not funny.
- [Kyla] It was really funny.

- I can't believe you…
- Nah, man, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting.

No, you know what?
Fuck it. Come on. Give it to me.

We're having a good time.

[chuckling]

Yeah. [chuckles]

[sighs]

You know, when we first saw y'all
on this trip, we thought y'all was crazy.

I mean, I was right.
I mean, y'all are, like, fucking nuts.

- [chuckles]
- But... But in a good way, man.

I'm glad I met you, Ron.

Like for real.

Put that thing away.

Put what away? What are we doing?

Salaam.

A kiss on the forehead is
the ultimate sign of respect.

I learned that from a sheikh in Kuwait.

A forehead kiss is really intimate.
You know that, right?

Like, I almost proposed to you.

- [laughs]
- [chuckles]

- Nice.
- Mmm.

- Where should I get rid of this then?
- I'll show you.

Hey, ladies. Come here. Check this out.

- Oh, shit, man. What the fuck?
- Oh, my God. He really does have a gun.

Yeah, babe. I wouldn't lie about that.

It's a gift from my buddy Charlie.
I take it everywhere.

Man,
you scared the shit out of me with that.

What does this mean?

[Ron] De oppresso liber.

It's a phrase that has special meaning
to people such as myself, Marcus.

A reminder
that a powerful weapon like this

should only be used
when absolutely necessary.

Now, put that bottle on your head.
I'm gonna shoot it off.

- Yes! [grunts]
- Whoo!

No. Hold on one second. Hold on a
second. Guys, no. Seriously, stop playing.

It's fine.
We play this game at home all the time.

Babe, he's not serious.
We been drinking and we been smoking.

- I don't... No, no, no.
- [screams]

Count it!

What the fuck?

You hit the bottle this time!

- [laughs]
- Oh, my God.

[laughing hysterically]

[chuckles] Yes!

[both laughing]

Oh, my God!

- Do me!
- Whoa, wait, what?

Yeah. Your turn, go.

[laughs]

[Marcus] Hey, man, you sure you okay?

[Ron] The bullet just grazed me. I'm not
gonna let a little scratch ruin my night.

I mean, look at the four of us.
This is magical, isn't it?

Mmm.

You know what's crazy, you guys?

Ron and I are the only two people on the
planet that know that y'all are engaged.

Ah, I wish it could stay that way.

I mean, to be honest,

there's a lot of people
that really wouldn't be happy for us.

[together] What?

- Who?
- Look, her dad hates me, y'all. For real.

- [Emily] Okay, not hates.
- What?

He just don't think I'm good enough
to marry his perfect-ass daughter.

- [Emily] Perfect da... Who? Me?
- [Marcus] Yes, you.

Okay, listen, no.
My dad's a little tough, yes.

I mean, he is the dean
of Emory Business School,

so he's a little traditional.

I literally don't understand
what you're saying right now.

This is Marcus we're talking about!

I know. It's insane! How could anyone
not, like, absolutely love you?

You're the best.

[Marcus] Her father holds
all these things against me.

Like, number one, you know,

he looks down on me because
I had a failed marriage before, right?

Things don't work out. It is what it is.

Number two, he treats me like
I'm some regular construction worker.

I own my own construction company.
I'm my own boss.

This doesn't seem justified.

Yeah, but strike three, I'ma be honest.

I did punch her brother in the face
at her mama's birthday party.

- Got it.
- There's that.

Well, my dad never got to meet Ron.

Oh, no!

Sorry, did he die?

No. San Quentin's just so far.

I got it. Wait, I got it.
I got it. I freaking got it.

- What?
- Do it tonight.

- [Kyla gasps]
- Wait. Do what tonight?

- Get married tonight! Here!
- Get married! Tonight!

Yes! Right! Tonight, you guys!

Wait, why would we do that?

[Ron] You said
your family wouldn't approve.

You'll be surrounded by friends
that love and support you.

- Yeah. [chuckles]
- Friends!

It's a wedding just for you guys.

[Ron] Come on. I know the perfect guy.

[chanting in Mayan]

Baby. Baby,
do you think this is legally binding?

Somehow I don't think so.
But just go with it.

[whispering] You did good, babe.

We did good.

[speaks Mayan]

He's asking if you brought your suku'un.

Wh-What's that?

In Mayan ritual,
suku'un is like your brother.

- Like a spiritual best man.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess you my s... su-suk...
suku'un? Is that how you say it?

Marcus.
You don't say that if you don't mean it.

I-I-I do mean it.

And, uh, you don't have to be
so intense about it. Just chill out.

[gasps] Wow!

[Kyla sighs]

[chanting continues]

[whispering] I have goose bumps.

[typing]

[cell phone chimes]

Well, looks like you fuckers are married!

[Ron laughs] Yes! Congratulations!

- We did it! You love me!
- We love you guys!

- I love you.
- We love you guys!

Hey. Yo, yo. [speaks Mayan]

Picture, picture, picture.

- [laughs]
- [cheers]

- Yes! Yes! Congratulations!
- Whoo!

[Emily] We did it!

[Kyla] Congrats, you guys!

[Kyla] Ah! Oh, my God. Whoo!

Oh, it's so pretty.

Listen up, world.

Allow me to introduce to you,
for the first time in sacred matrimony,

Marcus and Emily Parker!

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

May this be the worst day
of the rest of your fucking life!

What?

Think about it.

[panting]

Whoa. Wha... What are you doin'?

Covering my balls.

[laughing] This guy.

You know what, Marcus?
You're right. It's time to live.

- [Emily] What?
- [Ron grunts]

Whoo!

[gasps]

[water splashing]

He's alive.

What?

[Ron] That was incredible!
But, Marcus, do cover your balls!

- I'll do it if you do it.
- Oh, girl, hell no!

[Kyla shrieks]

[gasps]

Fuck it.

[Emily shrieks]

[water splashing]

[man yodeling]

Pfft.

[laughing]

I'm not doing that shit. [chuckles]

You know something?

[clattering]

[sighs] I am gonna do that shit.

[yodeling continues]

Whoa!

[screaming] Fuck me!

- [laughing]
- ["White Lines (Don't Do It)" playing]

- [Ron] That was awesome!
- [Kyla] Oh, my God. Oh, God!

You guys, let's live here forever!

- Whoo!
- [Marcus laughs] What are you...

[laughing] He's using a corkscrew
on a regular bottle.

That's not a wine bottle, man.
That's not even a cork!

- [laughs]
- Whoa!

My big, sweet dum-dum.

- [Emily] Yeah, true!
- [Marcus] Yep.

[Kyla] Yeah! Yeah!

- [Ron] My dick needs some face time!
- [Kyla] Good.

The room is spinning.

Whoo!

[Ron screams] I feel invincible!

- [Latin pop music playing]
- [Kyla] Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah.

You're my husband now.

[Ron] Marcus, look.

That bird's about to shit.

[Kyla moaning] You're so bad.

[laughs]

Hey... What...

[Kyla] Shh.

[knocking]

[birds chirping]

[woman] Housekeeping!

[sighs]

[whispering] Oh, man.

Emily! Ow.

We gonna miss our flight.
We gotta get to the airport! Emily?

What? God.

Make it stop.

Okay, baby. B8, it's right over there.

You good?

I don't know.

- Okay. We're so close.
- [man on PA, indistinct]

[pants, sighs]

[Ron] Hey! Stop that couple!

[Kyla] I think they have a bomb!

[both laughing]

What... No. No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What is wrong with y'all?
Are you crazy? We in an airport!

No, I will not mule your illegal drugs
in my anus!

- [laughs]
- What?

Look around. Nobody cares.

And you guys were so cute and peaceful
this morning. We didn't wanna wake you up.

Hair of the dog?

Oh, I can't even look at another drink.

Sit. Come on. We got shrimp nachos
coming. Leave the heads on down here.

- Oh, God.
- Come on. Sit, please.

[Marcus] Okay, you know something?

- We gonna just head to the gate.
- We gonna go. Yeah.

- No! Whoa, whoa.
- No, no, no. Whoa, whoa.

Guys. We gotta do this again. The four
of us are too good together not to!

Yes! Oh, my God. You guys should come
out for the Oregon State Fair next month!

Yeah! It's in Oregon. We go every year.
Last year, we took a double dose of DMT.

Yeah, don't worry. It's all natural.

It's just the chemical your brain releases
when you die.

- [Marcus] Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

Sounds fun.

Great. Give us your number.

Oh, wait... Baby, you go...
You got my phone?

[Marcus] 'Cause I didn't...

Your phone broke.

- Her phone broke and then my...
- Oh, my God.

I had a phone, but we'll take
your information. How about that?

- Oh, my God. Yes! Yes.
- Yeah! Of course.

- Baby. Give them your card.
- I got one.

He has very fancy business cards.

- [Ron] Yeah. There you go!
- [Emily] Wow.

So, when you call that,
that's gonna ring in the ranger's station.

Then somebody comes to get me
outta the cave.

Oh, before I forget,
let me give your sunglasses back.

No, man. Keep 'em.

Why you want me to keep 'em?
They're yours.

No, they're ours.

[shaman chanting]

You guys are in our lives now.
Nothing's ever gonna change that.

[Marcus] Yeah. You know...

It would be nice if, you know,
you keep what...

what happened here… here.

Marcus,

if you're worried about the catamaran,
don't worry about it. I got you, dude.

Care about the boat? I'm talking about
everything... I'm talkin' about all of it.

Are you kidding?
I'm gonna remember this week forever.

[Marcus] What? Oh.

It's been so special.
I love, love, love, love, love, love you.

- Bring it in.
- Oh. Mmm.

Get in here.

- Okay. [chuckles]
- [Kyla] Oh.

Marcus. Thank you so much
for being so cool about everything.

About what?

Last night.

Marcus, it was life-changing.

Okay. Baby, we should go. [chuckles]
Farewell. Take care.

- [Kyla] Oh, no.
- Let's go.

- [chuckles]
- See you guys later.

- [Kyla] We love you guys.
- Hey, somebody stop those two!

I think I see some human trafficking!
[chuckles]

Hey. Why did you say see you later?
That leaves the door open.

I don't know. I was trying to be vague.

And who says "farewell"?
What are you? Othello?

Farewell sounds final, okay?

I don't wanna see those freaks again.
Do you?

I don't know. They were kinda fun.

Yes, on vacation. Not in the real world.

But they did loosen us up a little bit.

Yes,
they may have loosened us up a little bit,

but speaking of gettin' loose.

Do you remember anything
that happened last night?

Mm-mmm.
After the ceremony, it was all a blur.

But... But was it
that type of blur that, um...

That some moments are, like...
like, insanely clear?

[Emily] Hmm.

You know, now that you mention it.

No, all a blur.

Oh. Well, it was a...
It's all a blur for me too. [chuckles]

There's nothing clearly I remember at all.

[chuckles]

'Cause I'm asking you.

Maybe it's for the best.
You got your ticket out? We're boarding.

[woman on PA, indistinct]

- [whirring]
- [truck beeping]

Now, look. Whenever we off-load
materials on the site,

what we do is, we log on here
and put it on this spreadsheet.

This is the way we keep tabs
with the inventory.

Yeah, but why can't we just write it
in the book like we used to?

The problem is, I can't log on to a book
when I'm in Atlanta, right?

I need to be on the cloud
so I can see what you clowns are doing.

It's almost like you don't trust us.

It's almost like
I don't trust y'all anymore? [chuckles]

Guess what?
I do trust y'all, to screw shit up.

That's why I'm only gone for a week.

Oh, I can fuck a lot of shit up in a week.

I 100% believe that. You s...

Yo, Marcus.
Fred and Enzo are fighting again.

What? [groans] Damn it.

- Let's go. Hands up. Let's go.
- You think I'm scared of you, bro?

I ain't scared of you. Think I'm playing
with you? I ain't playing with you.

Cut it out!

Stop it! Okay, what is this all about?

He's trying to steal my shit.

Fuck you. I had this crane booked.

You should have logged it
in the spreadsheet.

You just learned
about spreadsheets, okay? Chill.

Why y'all arguing about a damn crane?
One of y'all could use the sidelifter.

This one's special.

[Marcus] What you mean this one is...

[laughing]

You gotta be kiddin' me. Come on, now.

It's a Hugo Boss.

We were thinking Vera Wang, but decided
this one's better for your build.

Hey, man.

Wow, look at this.

Yo, this is dope, man.

Like, honestly, thank y'all.
I really appreciate this.

And look, y'all... Y'all do understand why
you can't come to the wedding, right?

Yeah. You're embarrassed by us.

- No. Have you met her parents?
- No, because you won't let us.

Okay, look, if it was up to me,

I would invite every last one of y'all
to the wedding, but I can't.

Her parents said
they just want family there.

They want it to be really intimate.

[big band music playing]

[Marcus] Baby, what is this?

What happened to intimate?
Who's all these people?

As far as I'm concerned,
we got married in a Mexican cave.

So if you wanna bail, I'm down.

Really? We can... We can do that?

Mm-mmm. No, we can't.

[music ends]

[chattering]

Oh, there they are.

Marcus,
I am so glad that you're finally here.

Hey. Good seeing you too. [chuckles]

And look at my girl. [chuckles] Oh.

Please tell me
that you brought the dress I sent you.

You only texted me about it
a million times. Yes, Mom, I did.

- Oh, good.
- [Emily] Yes.

Well, I want you all to remember
that this weekend is all about you.

So I want you to have fun.

Enjoy yourselves.

Just remember to work the room
while everyone's here

starting with Grandma Phyllis.

[footsteps departing]

Baby, is she sleeping with her eyes open?

[Emily] Grandma.

Grandma.

- [whispering] Grandma.
- [wheezes]

Oh, Emily. Is that you?

Yeah, Grandma.

Marcus, say hi.

[loudly] Hi.

Okay. Hey, Grandma,
why don't I go get you some tea?

I'm... I'm her fiancé, Marcus.

[Emily] She's not deaf, Marcus.

She didn't wake up.
You said her name five times. I don't...

- [woman] Hey, girl.
- [man] Oh, my princess.

- Oh.
- Hey.

- [man] How are you?
- [Emily] I'm good.

[man] Okay, okay.

Marcus.

Meet my colleagues.

This is Albert Kim.
He's chair of our Public Policy program.

And this is Dr. Gloria Alvarez.
She's head of Business Law.

And this is, uh, Marcus.
He's a construction worker.

It's nice to meet you.

Well, Marcus, uh…
welcome to your wedding.

Thanks for putting everything together.
I really appreciate this.

I just sign the checks.

[chuckles]

[sighs] Well,
I suppose I put this off long enough.

Now, these rings were passed on to me
by my grandparents,

so forgive me for being just
a little uneasy handing them over to…

[sighs]

…well, you.

[Marcus] Wow, this, um...

This actually means a lot.

And you can trust me.
I promise you, I'll take care of these.

I hope so. Those represent a commitment
to my daughter.

And I hope you take this far more
seriously than you did your last marriage.

What makes you think I didn't take
my last marriage seriously?

Damn, son. This some fancy shit.

You done come a long way from drinkin' 40s
on the stoop with little Jay and Reggie.

- Oh, stop. [laughs]
- Hey.

Ooh, I'm so glad to be out that car.
Your father farting the whole way.

[father]
You know I got the diverticulitis.

Anyway, good to see you, Harry.
We brought you a little something.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, that's not the regular Hennessy.
That's VSOP, $71.

[mother] Yeah, that was a set.

It came with two glasses,

but we kept those 'cause we thought
you had glasses. [laughs]

I think I see the councilman.
I should go say hello.

- Oh. Yeah.
- I like that jacket.

Yeah.

And tell the councilman I say hi too.

[laughing]

Hey! Look, look.
Can y'all class it up a little bit?

- I told you...
- What's your problem?

We're just two men
having a conversation about cognac.

No, I told you to put
the two glasses in there.

- No.
- Hey.

Look here. It's not about the glasses.

You talked about farting.
Nobody care about Dad's gas like that.

And, Dad, you can't tell nobody
how much you spent on the gift.

What's the point in spending
so much money then?

- How about this. Go... Go get some food.
- [mother] Mmm.

It is so much food over there.
Y'all should go eat.

- Well, let me just say this.
- Uh-oh.

We will not talk to anyone else this
entire weekend if that's what you want.

If that's what you want.
I'm not gonna embarrass you.

- Ma, no.
- [father] See what you gone done?

Believe me. We're not hungry.
We not gonna eat any of your food.

- Ma. I know y'all hungry.
- You done messed up, boy.

- Dad... Could you talk to her for me?
- No, sir.

Ma... Ma.

[jazz music playing]

[chattering]

- …not us.
- [laughs]

- [sighs] You ready? Here we go.
- [man] Ladies and gentlemen,

may I please present to you the bride
and groom-to-be, Emily and Marcus!

[applause, cheering]

- Oh, good. Aw.
- You…

How you doing?
Could I get a double scotch, please?

- Of course.
- Hope you didn't order the punch.

Get it? 'Cause you punched me.

[chuckles]

Brother-in-law. Hey, Gabe.

Hey. You see this?

Just know that this thing right here
could kill you in 32 different ways,

and there's not a goddamn thing
you could do about it.

Okay, man. What you... What?
You been working out or somethin'?

Nope.

Yes. A little...

Whatever. Listen.

Just know that if you come at me
with another sucker punch,

I'ma be ready for it this time.

Gabe… [chuckles]
…I didn't sucker punch you.

You was acting like a crazy person
over a flag football game.

Yeah. Right.

You came in my face,
and you kept saying, "Punch me."

- Yeah, because I didn't think you'd do it.
- Well, I did it, okay?

And I'm sorry. I've apologized to you
a thousand times. Can't we just move on?

- Put the past in the past, right?
- Yes.

- Forget it.
- Forget about it.

Yeah. Just... Oh, but just in case
you get any ideas, I brought a friend.

He owns a dojo where I train.
His name's Bennett.

Bennett! Come here. Meet this guy.

Oh, shit. There he is.

- Marcus.
- Nice to meet you.

- [Gabe] Yeah.
- Why's he here?

Some people like to have friends
at life-changing events.

- That's it.
- That's it.

You would know if you had any friends.

If you did, my mom and dad wouldn't
have forced me to be your best man.

First of all, I don't like you.

And I don't want you to be my best man
anyway, all right?

I have great friends...
I have amazing friends, all right?

You can't even handle any
of my friends. Okay?

[guests scream, gasp]

[murmuring]

What the hell is that?

[shaman chanting]

Oh, uh…

Don't be alarmed...

- Hey.
- Hi, yeah! Just a thing.

You son of a bitch!
You said we were best friends.

[Kyla] Yeah, the hell? You assholes. How
could you not invite us to your wedding?

That's, like, fucked up!

[both laughing]

- [Kyla] Oh, my God! You look amazing.
- [Ron] Good to see you, man.

- You look so gorgeous. Are you so excited?
- You been working out? Look at you.

- I mean... And you. You look…
- [Kyla] Oh, my sweetheart!

You guys smell the same. You smell
the same. Oh! I wanna kiss you!

What's... What's... What's goin' on here?

- [chuckles]
- Oh, uh…

- We lost the brakes around Marietta.
- Yeah.

E-brake did the yeoman's work till
right about now.

Yo, chief!
Just in case you need to move it.

- [Kyla] Thank you.
- [chuckles]

So, I think what Marcus is trying to ask
is what... What are you two doing here?

Oh! Well, you guys, we were so confused
why you didn't call after México.

I mean, come on.

We were literally sitting by the phone
for a week being like, "What?" [chuckles]

But it was my bad.
'Cause the card I gave you. Old card.

- You had no way to call.
- [Kyla] We did a little Internet stalking.

Then we found out you guys were registered
at Williams-Sonoma in beautiful Atlanta.

From there, it was easy.

Hit every wedding in Atlanta,
starting with downtown,

working our way out in concentric circles.

Classic circle sweep maneuver. Same
thing I use to find lost kids in the cave.

This time you weren't too late, sweetie.

Hey, man. Get me up to speed.
What do you need from your best man?

[Kyla] Yay!

Best... Best man?

Yeah. I mean, remember the shaman?

I'm your suku'un.

Ah!

I do remember that, and, you know,

and I couldn't...

Because we couldn't reach you.

[Marcus] We couldn't reach you.
I couldn't call you.

- We were trying, but I was like…
- We were try... We tried.

… "If you'd like to make a call…"
Like, I'm trying to!

- Wow, okay.
- So I had to get another best man.

- [sighs] Yeah.
- Sorry.

- What?
- What?

- Who?
- My brother.

- Yeah.
- Her... her brother.

They are practically best friends.
Like, he loves him.

And, you know,
we decided to do family-style.

- Family. Keep it in the fam. [chuckles]
- [Emily] Mm-hmm. So…

Two suku'uns.
I'll consult the sacred text. [mumbles]

- Okay, look. Look, I get it, right?
- [Emily sighs]

You guys came all the way here,
and, you know, it took a long trip,

and you... you drove through a gate,
which is crazy, right?

'Cause who gonna pay for that? Who?
'Cause that's not in the insurance.

But that's besides the point.
The wedding is all full, man.

It ain't... it ain't no more room.

- Nope. No. Like...
- And ain't nowhere to stay.

Oh, who cares? We'll shack up
with you guys, Mexico-style!

Come on, you guys. Have you met us?

We're so quiet.
Honestly, if we were sharing the same room

and you guys were doing
your little freaky, sexual… [babbles]

…fuckfest post-nups...

- Excuse me.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Is that your truck?

I'm sorry. This is a private event.

It's cool. We know the bride and groom.
And you are?

I'm Harold Conway.

That's my father.

Oh, my gosh! Shut up.

You're such a cutie. I feel like
I'm meeting a literal celebrity.

Hi. [chuckles] Okay!

He's icy.

I'm Ron. This is Kyla.
Met these two animals down in Mexico.

Got to know each other.
Intimately. [chuckles]

He didn't mean intimately. He meant…

Are you wearing a military dress uniform?

Oh. The buttons! [chuckles]
The buttons gave it away.

And you are aware
that it's a federal offense

to impersonate a member
of the US military?

- Yes, I am.
- Then why are you wearing it?

It's mine. I was in the Army.
I was a Green Beret.

[Harold] Green Beret?

Coin check.

I haven't been coin checked in forever.

[chuckling] I'll be damned.

[chuckling] No way! What?

[Harold] What a treat. [laughs]

- Please, come on and join us.
- Okay. Wait. Harold, they can't stay.

- Right?
- Daddy, that's what you told us.

It's all full, right?

We Green Berets always have
each other's back.

Aw, yay!

- Where did you serve, son?
- Four years in Saudi.

Well, I was five in Laos.

No shit.
Heard you guys had to put jimmy hats

- on the barrels of your M16s!
- Oh, my God, man.

They were so jam prone, we had to.
We didn't have the…

How in the hell did they let that maniac
in the military?

He's the most irresponsible person
I've ever met.

And somehow, he is charming my dad.

And then Charlie says,
"Take your fist out of there!"

This is only happening because you said,
"See you later."

I said it without meaning it,
like any decent person would.

Damn it, look now. Now he did it...
Now he even got to your mama.

- Oh, no, no.
- Look at your mom. She's smiling.

- Oh, shit.
- [shaman chanting]

What if he tells them
about our Mayan wedding?

Oh, no, no, no.
What if he say anything about this trip?

Oh, no.

Okay, look. Okay, we got this.
We just gotta contain it.

[chattering]

Hey, uh, w-where are you guys going?

Oh, I'm gonna show
Ron and Kyla their room.

Wait, Harold.
I thought you said everything was full.

[Harold] Everything was.
Except the Presidential Suite.

So I splurged on it.

- [Kyla] I'm so excited! You're my guy!
- [Harold laughs]

Why wouldn't he do that for us?
We the ones getting married.

Look, if you need anything,
please let me know.

We will.
And… [sighs] …thanks again, Captain.

Also, I hope you join us in the morning.
We have a little fox hunt lined up.

- That's easy. Found her.
- [chuckles]

[Harold] Oh.

Darn it, I must have left the keys
at the front desk.

- Stand down.
- Sir, yes, sir.

[Kyla] Bye. That's so sweet.

- [Emily] Thanks, Dad.
- [Harold] Be right back.

- Okay, look. Um, could you do me a favor?
- Yeah.

'Cause I'm trying to make
a good impression on her family.

- Sure.
- Totally.

It's that you don't mention anything
about the Mexico trip. Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Oh, Marcus. You're so funny.

It's just one catamaran.
It's really not a big deal.

Yeah, it's not about the catamaran. Okay?

It's all the other crazy shit
that happened.

All the insane shit,
it doesn't need to be mentioned here.

At all.

Okay, we got you. We got you.
It's just, um…

Well, the, uh... the crazy shit is one
of the reasons we came here.

See, something happened,
and it's something intense. I just...

Um, I went to the doctor,
and they found a growth in my abdomen.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, and the doctor, I guess he says
it's... it's only gonna get bigger.

Can he operate on it?

[crying] Unfortunately, they can't...
They can't. Sorry. They can't.

The... [clears throat] The doctors say
it's gonna come out on its own.

Through her vagina.

Huh?

[chuckles]

I'm preggers!

That's how you're gonna make
that announcement?

By... By having us think
that you had cancer?

- Yeah!
- Yeah! You guys. [chuckles]

- Oh, congratulations, I guess.
- [Kyla] Thank you.

Thank you.

Guess, um… I'm really happy for you.

Aw, thanks, pal.
Hey, that's not the whole story though.

There's something about this baby
that has to deal with you directly.

What do you mean?

[Harold] Fubar!

Fubar. My brain is absolutely fubar.

I had the key in my other pocket
the whole time.

[Kyla] You silly goose.

- [Harold] Oh, God.
- [Kyla] You goofball.

- Here we go.
- [Kyla] Yes.

Oh, my God! This place is insane!

[Ron] Permission to shit my pants,
Captain.

[Harold] Permission granted. [chuckles]

- [Ron] VCR!
- [sighs]

- It's amazing!
- [Kyla] Ooh! I feel like Nancy Reagan.

This should be our room.

[Marcus whispering]
Mexico was seven months ago?

Seven months?

[Emily scoffs]

Twice.

Twice they've gotten
the Presidential Suite.

How does this keep happening?

[scoffs]

- Baby, can I ask you something?
- Yes, babe.

It's just a quick question.

Just, I was wondering,
how far along did Kyla look to you?

[chuckles] I don't know. Why?

I mean, if you had to take a guess.
You know what I mean?

Just a... just... just a guess.

Oh, five months? Five and a half? Tops.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Right. She five and a half months.

She ain't... She don't look
seven months at all, right? [chuckles]

If she's seven months,
then I'm three months.

And it's yours.

[chuckling] Yeah, it's mine.

- [Emily] Good night, love.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mmm.
- [Marcus chuckles]

[bugle playing]

[dogs barking]

[chuckles] Oh.

Mr. Finnegan.

You know, every time he does this,
I feel like I'm walking in on him.

It's disgusting.

[Harold sighs]

I'd like to thank you all for coming out
for this magnificent tradition:

- the pursuit of the elusive gray fox.
- [horse whinnies]

Now there are a couple of rules
that I'd like you to keep in mind.

- One…
- Baby, do you see either of them?

No, thank God.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
I was trying to find the rest of my gear.

- What the...
- [Kyla] Hey, lover!

Look at what your girl found.

- Whoo!
- Shh.

It was in the truck the whole time.
It was just wedged under my seat.

- You're the best.
- I know. I know.

Oh. No, no, no. No guns.
No. No one's killing anything.

- What?
- What?

Yeah, it's not even a real fox hunt.
It's a fox chase.

And no one's seen a fox
around here in years.

By the way, Kyla, you're pregnant.
That means you're not coming.

- Oh, fuck that.
- [dog barking]

Excuse me! Lady in the purple.
How do I get one of those?

Hey, chief.
Could you just get this to the front desk?

Okay, baby. Let me get this straight.

I spent the last three months waking up
at the crack of dawn

to learn how to ride a horse
for a damn nature walk?

And the most important rule of all…

[barking continues]

…have fun. [chuckles]

["Ooh La La" playing]

Nice grip. Solid trot.

Marcus, I didn't realize you could ride.

Oh, well, you know,
this ain't the tack that I'm used to.

You know, I prefer western reins.
[chuckles]

Oh, it's too bad you're wearing
the wrong jacket.

Five buttons is strictly for houndsmen.
[clicks tongue]

[dogs barking]

Harsh. I got like 12 buttons
on my cargo shorts.

That guy really doesn't like you, huh?

You think?

You know what? We'll show him.

Come on, Marcus.
Let's go find a goddamn fox.

- [Marcus] Wait, what?
- [Ron] Let's do this!

Look, man. This is a big waste of time.
We are not gonna find a fox.

Let's just ride back to the stables,
get some food because I'm starving.

[birds chirping]

Hungry no more. [laughs]

That is…

Oh!

…reindeer moss.

One of the edible Cladonias.

You gonna eat that shit?

Yeah, dude. It's a superfood.

And it only grows in a rare section
of the loblolly pine ecosystem.

Okay, how you know all this weird crap?

Licensed edible forager, man.
Any self-respecting ranger is.

Try some?

Nah, I'm good on the tree pubes.

[laughs]

Tree pubes!

Why you laughing so hard?
It wasn't even that funny.

You know, that...
that's a joke Charlie would say.

Sometimes I can't even tell
the two of you apart.

Here, check this out. [grunts]

There. Look. [laughing] There he is.
Look at that. You see?

- That's Charlie?
- Yeah, that's Charlie.

We look nothing alike, okay?
This is a pale white man with red hair.

I'm not talking about his looks, man.
I'm talking about his spirit.

You both got this hard shell
on the outside,

then one bite
and you get to the gooey center.

Now come on. Eat the moss.

You're lucky I'm hungry.

Okay. It's not that bad.

Boom! Mind open.

See, man. It's like
nature's crisper drawer out here.

Ooh! Some ramps!
The onion's wild cousin. [grunts]

[chuckles] Try that.

Oh, man.

Jackpot.

[chuckles]

Oh, man.

Okay, look.
I know you're not a big drug guy,

but if you ever wanna unlock the doors to
perception, this, my friend, is the key.

Wait, what?

Primarily found in Spain, but around here,
we call it the Devil's Dick.

Most potent magic mushroom on Earth.

You eat one of these babies,
not only will you talk to God,

you'll find a rent-controlled apartment
and move in together.

- I ate it.
- What?

I ate it.

- Why?
- You told me to!

I said, "Jackpot," and that's it.
I didn't say, "Eat it."

Man, you are crazy, okay?

Everything you touch turn into drugs!

Okay? What's gonna happen to me?

Am I about to die?

No, no. You're not gonna die. Okay?

Part of you is gonna die,
but it's gonna be reborn. You'll be fine.

Something's happening
because everything is purple now.

No, no, no, no. You're being paranoid.
It takes 20 minutes to kick in.

Everything's purple!

Oh, shit.

I guess only a rookie chasms that fast.

You need a rope man. Okay.

- Marcus, I'm going in with you.
- Mm-hmm.

Every step of the way.
[inhales deeply] Deep breaths.

- [inhales] Okay.
- I mean, this is from me to you.

You're a big guy. Focus. Concentrate.

There is a good chance
that nothing's gonna happen.

["So What'cha Want" playing]

[both laughing]

- [music stops]
- [horse whinnies]

[Kyla] Emily!

I know I've only been here for a night,
but I've gotta say,

this wedding is so kick-ass.

Well, at least someone's enjoying it.

[Kyla] How could you not?

Your family's so freaking cool.

Everybody's in love with me,
and I haven't even met half of them yet.

Yeah, uh, don't... don't feel pressured,
like, to meet everyone.

You're so sweet.
No, I promise you. You have my word.

I'm gonna have meaningful connections
with literally every single person here.

I was just so busy talking
to Grandma Phyllis last night

that I couldn't make the rounds.

No, Phyllis barely even speaks.

She's a major, major
chatterbox deep down.

Harold, I don't know if this is just
Grandma Phyllis starting shit,

but… [chuckles]

…she said that this wedding
was already more fun than yours was.

That's not surprising.

What does that mean?

Well, um, there was a bit of tension
at our wedding.

It wasn't Phyllis.
It was your grandfather and I.

We just got off on the wrong foot,
and he never gave me another chance.

That sounds familiar.

Maybe now's the perfect time
for you to give Marcus another chance.

- [music resumes]
- Wow.

[music ends]

[wind whistling]

[distorted] Did you hear that?

[distorted] Oh… Oh, I heard that.
Did you hear that?

I heard it. I didn't know I could hear...

It's like, I know I can see shit,
but I didn't know I was hearing shit too.

[branch breaks]

[footsteps approaching]

What is that?

It's a fox.

[chuckles]

- It's a fox.
- It's gotta be a fox.

[shaman chanting]

[pants] What do you think?

[whispering] Behind you.

- Don't move.
- [whispering] Okay.

Or make a sound.

Don't say a single word.

You're talking right now.

No, I'm not.

So what do we do?

I'm gonna go make a snare
out of that flora.

You stay here.

What do you mean, "Stay here," Ron?
Where you going?

Ron. Ron.

Ron.

Don't worry.

Foxes are a completely
nonaggressive species.

- [growling]
- [screaming]

[Marcus] Get it off me!

[dog barking]

It's Mr. Finnegan. He spotted something!

Mount up, everyone!

[screaming continues]

- Get off me!
- Grab it! Subdue it!

Fuck that! Get it off me!

- [growling]
- Fuck! Get it off!

What are you doing?

[growling continues]

[horse whinnies]

Mr. Finnegan likes him.

What the fuck?

[Harold] Mr. Finnegan. [whistles]

[sighs] Marcus, are you okay?

Sweetie, I will…

Let me help you up there.

[grunts]

This isn't easy to say, Marcus,

but I think we've gotten off
on the wrong foot.

I see things my way, and...

[laughs]

What's so funny?

You're a clown!

- Excuse me?
- [Marcus] You're a clown.

[laughs]

Look, if I can interject
for just a second, Harold.

Marcus and I have been talking
about you all weekend.

- What? About my being a clown?
- [Ron] Yes.

Yes, but, you know,
a wedding is like a big, old circus.

And you, you're the star of the show.

[Marcus] Oh, shit.

- I'm made of metal.
- What... What is going on here?

Uh, what Marcus means is
that his commitment to your daughter…

is as strong as steel.

Captain, Marcus has told me many times
that he looks up to you.

And he hopes that one day,

you can all become a real, true family
despite your differences.

No!

Because of them.

He said that?

He did. Word for word.

You said that?

Mm-hmm.

Lieutenant.

Whatever.

Oh, fuck. He bought it, dude. I can't...

What the fuck? Metal? Come on. Shit.

- I'm in the circus.
- [huffs]

[Marcus] Do you realize
I almost killed that dog? Fucking Ron.

[Emily] Hey, cut him some slack.

He actually covered for you with my dad.

Like, he kind of saved your ass.

Wait a minute.
Is Grandma Phyllis over there talking?

How's that even possible?

[Emily] Kyla has been really obsessed
with her lately.

Uh-uh. This is not good.

[chuckles]

Damn, how many cousins I got?

Some happy cousins. Why they so happy?

I don't know.

Tell 'em I say hi. [chuckles]

Hey, good morning, sleepyhead.
I was just getting this for you.

A little something to get
those synapses firing.

- Why? What you put in here?
- It's grapefruit juice.

And heroin.

Kidding. Just drink it.
You'll feel better.

- Can I be honest with you, man?
- Yeah.

I really don't get you.

What's there to get?

I mean, everywhere we go,
chaos happens. Right?

But everybody else panics, but not you.

You stay calm and collected.
Like, you don't worry about any of it.

One night in Green Beret training,

they woke us up, put us in a boat,
drove us a mile offshore,

dumped us in the water
and said, "Swim back."

I watched so many guys
wear themselves out

swimming against the riptide
as hard as they could.

They had to be extracted. Me?
I found out the trick was just float.

Look, I've never been the type of person
that can just float, you know?

Marcus, you're missing the point.

Yeah, real story, but a metaphor, because
it has nothing to do with your body mass.

I understand that. I mean,
I know what metaphors are. I was...

Do you? Do you?

If it isn't Special Forces
and special… stupid idiot.

You're lucky you didn't hurt
my dad's dog yesterday,

'cause if you did, I would've hurt you.

Okay, Gabe. Is that right?
Right? You gonna kick my ass?

- You wanna go right here, right now?
- I think he wants to.

'Cause we can do that.

If I may. Gabe, it looks like
you're trying to lead with a power jab.

Let's get those hips in. Get warmed up...

Hey. What are you... Hands off.

Whoa! Okay, man. I'm just...

Listen, I'm not here to fight anyway.

My father sent me here
to collect the rings.

I guess the best man is supposed to
carry the rings, so that's why I'm here.

You know something? I'ma give these to
my best man, but to my new best man, Ron.

- Here you go, brother.
- You mean it?

- Can he do that?
- No, he cannot do that.

It's already been done. That's right.
That's my best man right there.

Marcus, this means…
more to me than you'll ever know.

[Marcus] Oh, man. It's all good, br...

Salaam.

Whatever. Okay.

See you at tee off, assholes.

I do not like the way they talk to you.

All right. They gone.
You can give me the rings back.

What? No. I... You... We just said... What?

No, no. That...
I was doing that in front of them.

I'm actually gonna keep the rings,
so you just give 'em back to me.

Marcus, you made me your best man.
That's that. Best man holds the rings.

Yes, I know what
"traditionally" the best man do...

You can't just say
the best man holds the rings

and then not let
the best man hold the rings.

I got you.

Well, Marcus, good to have you back.

That sunstroke is no joke.

So, people,
stay hydrated with... with water.

The marshals are very strict when it
comes to alcohol, wagering and profanity.

- Now we're on a championship course here.
- [shaman chanting]

So we are going
to be keeping this club pristine.

So, Gabe, uh, why don't you and Bennett
play with Marcus and Ron today.

Where's Ron anyway?

Got your six, Captain.

Ah, Lieutenant, good to see you.
Hope you're comfortable in a foursome.

As long as there's
at least one girl involved.

All right, dick holes.
How much we betting?

Hey, hey, man. Didn't you hear what
he said? No drinking and no gambling.

Marcus. Relax. Have some fun, all right?

What do you say a hundred a hole?

Count me in.

[Bennett] Me too.

Tell you what. Let's keep it fresh.
Back nine we double the stakes.

- Double?
- Problem?

[chuckles] Please.
You see what I'm driving?

[Ron] That's you, the red one?

What is that? A Corvette, pre-owned?

- It's a Ferrari, you dipshit.
- $250,000.

- Bought her brand-new.
- Boom.

[imitates sizzle]

[Gabe] Now, Marcus,
I understand a hundred dollars a hole

is a lot of green
for a blue-collar worker,

so if you need to back out,
go ahead and do it now.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

- No, fuck you.
- Fuck you again.

No, kiss my... You know?
Let me holla at you real quick.

Can you excuse us?

Man, I don't have that type of green.

Marcus, don't worry. I'll bankroll you.
Pay me back later.

Bankroll me with what?

How about this?

Where'd you get that?

Who cares? Just help me whup
the Brooks Brothers over there. Come on.

I would love to beat these two assholes…

- Do it.
- …but I suck at golf!

That's why you're lucky
I'm your best man.

["Space Ho's" playing]

What was that?
Thought you said you was good?

I am. I just gotta get warmed up.

You gotta get warmed up?

- Want a hit?
- No!

[song continues]

Woo-hoo!

[Gabe, Bennett] Ha! Ha!

Thank you so much. [chuckles]

[Emily's mother] Jesus,
I wish we had never hired this caterer.

Now he's telling me

that he's having trouble sourcing steaks
for tomorrow night.

I'm so sorry,
but I do just have to go on record

and say that I told you
to go with Ford Fry.

- You did not listen to me…
- Brooke, please.

Okay. [stammers] Guys, please, for me.

Mom, I am super positive
that the caterer will figure it all out.

So for the next two hours,
can we just not think about steak?

- Yes, dear.
- [whispering] Thank you.

Wait, guys, steaks?
I know a place that has amazing steaks.

Ron and I just went there on our way
here 'cause it's right down the block.

Hal's in Buckhead?
They were asking $300 a plate.

Oh, no. Girl, this place is under ten.

Damn, that's a steal.

- What restaurant is this?
- Oh, it's called Waffle House.

[all laughing]

Well, even I don't like Waffle House.

Trust me, you guys. It's amazing.

- Oh, my God. Is she serious?
- No, no, Mom. She's...

Whenever Ron and I are stressed or horny
or I have trouble going number two...

Hey, Kyla. You know what?

I think we're gonna just be here
in this moment,

enjoying the spa, relaxing. Yeah.

Got you, Em. I swear I will stop talking,
and we should get our Zen on, right?

'Cause that's why we're at the spa.

[sighs]

Oh, Brooke, you remember when we had
our spa day right before your wedding?

Those hot stones were...

[sobbing]

Oh, my God. Not again, please.

- [Marcus's mother] Oh, no.
- [Kyla] What's the matter?

We're getting destroyed out there.

- I thought you said you was good?
- I am good. You'll see.

Ernesto!

Sorry.

[Bennett sighs]

My man.

Love that guy.

Did you just tip him $100?

I have plenty left.

Where did you get all that cash from?

I pawned the wedding rings.

- No, you didn't.
- No, I did.

- No, you didn't.
- No, I did.

- No, you didn't.
- I did. Totally. Here.

Here's the receipt.
Northside Jewelry and Loans.

[whispering] Oh, you did.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I just got good with Harold.

Pick 'em up when we win.

Pick 'em up when we win?

[shouting] We're losing every hole!

- [birds chirping]
- [man] Come on, gentlemen. Man on the tee.

[sniffles] I'm so sorry.
I just can't breathe right now.

- [Emily's mother] Oh!
- [Kyla] Brooke.

Sweetheart, it's okay. What's wrong?

Back when we were dating,
Darren was so sweet.

No, he wasn't.

[Brooke] A little. He was a little sweet.

Well, what did Darren do to you,
sweetheart?

He's super mean to me all the time.
He says mean things.

Sweetie, what do you do about it?

- Kyla.
- What? No, I'm serious.

- What do you mean? I...
- Okay, guys. Here's the thing.

I dated a lot of shitheads
before I met Ron, love of my life.

They were just like Darren.
These are the kind of guys that are like...

They think they're the alpha,
but deep down,

- they know they're just a little bitch.
- Okay, Kyla…

Next time Darren steps out of line,
you pop him in the balls.

Who are you?

- You can do it very nicely.
- This person is insane.

I have a couple restraining orders.
It's not that big of a deal.

- [muttering]
- This is a criminal. This is a criminal.

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah. Let's go chat.

Are you sure you wanna leave them? Because
we have our massages in two minutes,

- and we're getting so much free shit...
- What are you doing?

What? I was just trying to be helpful
and give your sister some advice.

By suggesting that she pop her husband
in the balls?

Yes.

- Oh, my God. Please.
- What?

Kyla,
this weekend is already so stressful.

All I'm asking is that you not add
to that stress.

Can you please do that for me?

[whispering] Okay.

Why are you whispering?

Well, because you thought
I was too loud in there.

[sighs] God.

[Gabe, Ron] Two, three, four.

- [groans]
- [groans, chuckles]

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Put some respect on it.

Watch out.

- [Marcus] Okay. How much you got left?
- Not a lot.

- We're gonna never get those rings back.
- [Ron] All right, boys. Last hole.

Let's do something big.

Double or nothing. All in. I stick it
on the green from here in one shot.

Double or nothing? That's what you... No!

No. No double or nothing. No!

You do realize
you haven't hit a green all day, right?

Wait. Haven't I?

You know what? We're in. Actually,
let's make it a little interesting.

Let's put Bennett's Ferrari in the pot.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

That's like 45 grand.

Forty-five thousand?

It's pre-owned.

We can match that.

One shot. I stick it on the 18th green
from here, we win.

I miss by an inch, we lose.

Ron. Ron. I can't do that.

Come on. You can, man.
Remember, just float.

What the fuck you mean floating?
Fuck floating.

[Bennett] Fine.

- It's a bet.
- Fine.

All right, gentlemen.

For the record, this is a Titleist 7
with two pink dots. Do we agree?

Yes. We do agree that
you are a dumbass.

That is the wrong hole.

That's the seventh green.

The 18th green… that way.

Three hundred and seventy-five yards.
Dogleg left.

Good luck hitting over the trees.

[Bennett] And no backing out.

We shook on it.

- Mm-hmm.
- [Bennett giggling]

Aw.

[Bennett chuckles]

I can't watch this.

[sighs]

[together] Whoa.

- [shaman chanting]
- [sighs]

- [Bennett] You see it?
- [Gabe] No.

- Do you see... No. No, no.
- [cart approaching]

It's not on the green.

It's not on the green.
Oh. It's not on the green.

Could've sworn I got all of it.

Check the cup.

- Check the cup? [chuckles]
- Check these nuts.

[shaman chanting]

"Titleist 7."

Two pink dots.

What?

- [Ron, Marcus laughing]
- [alarm chirps]

[Ron] Yes.

[Marcus] You was hustling them the whole
time? Where you learn to play like that?

[Ron] Army shrink. He said golf was good
for PTSD. I got a little obsessed.

But that was a hole in one.
What are the chances?

[chuckling] Uh, roughly zero.

- So, you cheated?
- I do not cheat.

I put that on the green fair and square.

Ernesto. Remember my guy?

I had him kick it in the cup to make
it awesome, which it totally was.

Well, look at you now, brother.
You own a new Ferrari.

Nah, man. We'll enjoy this for a bit,
but I'm... I'm giving it back.

I only did it for one reason, Marcus.

No one, and I mean no one, talks to you
the way they did at breakfast.

Thank you. And I appreciate that. So,
we can... Can we just go get the ring...

You made me your best man, and with that
comes a solemn oath of responsibility.

Cool. And you're right. It comes with...

Responsibility to always have your back.

I give you my word.
I will never, ever… ever let you down.

Ron, I get it.

I get it. You got my back. But can we now
go get the rings? Like... Like right now.

Sure, man. What's the rush?

Pawnshop closes at 6:00. It's like 2:45.

What are you talking about? It's 5:45.

Oh, shit. [chuckles]

My watch is still on Oregon time.
I never changed it.

I was wondering why it gets dark
out here so early.

What?

[birds chirping]

[reporter on radio] …arrested for breaking
into a Pine Valley lake house.

Luckily for him,
police quickly discovered the problem.

He once owned the home
and they believe he was simply confused.

Officer on the scene says
there will be no charges filed.

Matthew Sweeney's World of Magic Tour
is over and...

[vehicle approaching]

- [man 1] Whoa!
- [man 2] Whoa!

[tires screeching]

- [man 1] Hell, man!
- [man 2] Whoa!

Wait.

[cawing]

[sighs] Thank fucking God!

- [sighs]
- [Ron] See, man? Just like I told you.

You just gotta float and, somehow,
it all works out. You feel better?

- Did you ask me if I feel better?
- Yeah.

Are you serious?

Do I feel better?
You know how close that was?

If I had lost these rings,
that whole family would've been on my ass!

[ominous music playing]

[gasps]

What if somebody came in
and bought these rings?

We wouldn't have been able
to get back the rings.

We'd have to get some rings from some dead
person's fingers that I don't even know.

[cawing]

What should I feel better about?
You know what I'll feel better about?

When we get back
to that stuffy ass country club

and get these goddamn Conway family
rings on our goddamn fingers.

[cawing continues]

[distorted] That bird's about to shit.

That's what would happen If I lost these...

[water splashing]

I didn't... I didn't want you
to get your shoes messy.

[chuckling]

You didn't want to get my shoes messy?

I figured you could hold on to them.

I didn't know you were gonna drop 'em.
I just was trying to save your sh...

You were trying to save
my shoes. [laughs]

You don't care about my wedding or
me being happy for the rest of my life...

I just didn't know what
was gonna happen.

Ah! Motherfucker!

Hey. Okay.
You're choking me, man. You're...

- [grunts]
- [panting]

You're choking me.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Marcus, I'm trained to escape this.

But I won't. You're my friend. [coughs]

I think you need
to express your feelings here.

Feelings? I feel great.

I feel so good. This the best
I've felt all fucking weekend.

[choking] Got it. Before you choke me
out, there's something you should know.

Shut up!

Back before Mexico, the doctors said
I could never have a baby. [coughs]

They said I was sterile. [coughs]

Wait, wait. What?

I went to see a bunch of specialists.

Out-of-pocket cost is so damn high
with the deductibles. I should have...

Get to the fucking point!

Back in Mexico, Kyla got pregnant.
[coughs]

And…

it's because… [coughs] …of you.

- Oh, God.
- Okay. Passing out.

[coughing, wheezing]

Aw, man. Never mind, I'm good.

[body thuds]

[whispering] What?

[panting]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- [jazz music playing on speakers]
- [chattering]

[sighs]

- [chuckling] Hey, everybody.
- [Emily scoffs]

We... We need to talk.

Where have you been?
My brother got back from golf an hour ago.

I really need to talk to you
about something, like, right now.

- Right now?
- Yes.

So, Kyla's not five months pregnant.
She got pregnant in Mexico.

So?

So…

um… [chuckles]

…you know that night got a little...
got a little crazy,

and we never... we never actually
discussed everything that happened.

Like what?

Like, you know, we had sex
in the same room. Me and you.

But also, it was, like, partners
in the room also having sex.

But not with their particular partners.

You understand where
I'm going with this?

[sighs]

Yes. I… I know.

You do?

I know exactly what happened.
I was there, Marcus.

[door opens]

[chattering]

Uh…

Baby, is that Zeke?

And Enzo and Fred.

Who the hell are these people?

Surprise!

- Hey.
- Hey.

What the hell you doing here?
Matter of fact, why you not at work?

Nice place, boss. Yeah, I would not
have let us come to this either.

But we do appreciate the invitation.

What you mean "invitation"?
I didn't invite you. Who...

Who did invite you?

[Ron] Uh, ladies and gentlemen…

Good evening everyone, and welcome.

- [giggles]
- [shaman chanting]

What is he doing up there?

Captain, uh, permission to say a few
words about the happy couple?

[chuckles]

Hello, everyone.
I'm Ron. I'm Marcus's suku'un.

Of course, you wouldn't know that if you
saw him choking me in the street earlier.

- The fuck is he talking 'bout?
- Shh.

Marcus. Bet you're surprised
to see your pals from work, huh?

When I heard Kyla and I were
your only close friends here,

I called Parker Construction myself,

and I told them,
"You better get your butts on a plane!"

'Cause let's face it,

it's times like these when you want
your closest friends by your side.

I was best man for my army pal,
Charlie Anderton.

Man, Charlie and I are super close.

Like, I talk to him every day.

Never in my life did I think
I'd have another friend like Charlie.

And then Marcus and I crossed paths
in Mexico, and I know. I know.

I'm not supposed to talk about Mexico.

[chuckles]

It was just that moment where
Emily and Marcus became like family

to Kyla and me.

But little did we know just how much
like family we would become.

- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kyla.
- [chuckles]

Thank you, baby.
Isn't he so cute, you guys?

Don't you wanna bake him at 350
till his skin gets crispy?

[giggles] I do.

Um, as you can see,
I'm currently with child,

which is, like, actually insane
because Ron and I were told that kids,

like, weren't gonna be
in the cards for us.

Without going into too much detail,
it was a semen issue.

You know what I mean?
So for us, he could shoot far.

Not like my friend Sue's husband

who it kinda trickles off the top
of the dick like a waterfall.

No, when he shoots, he shoots fast.

He shoots hard.
He shoots, like, a straight shot.

So it's more kind of like what's in
the shots that's the problem. [chuckles]

Anyway, Larry and Nancy, rest assured.

Because even if these two choose
to not have kids of their own,

your legacy is alive and well

and kicking right here inside of me
in my fertile womb.

- This is what I was trying to tell you.
- What are you talking about?

But something super magical happened
when we were in Mexico.

And, Marcus, you are destined to play a
really important part in our child's life.

I am so excited to announce
to all of you that this baby is...

Is mine!

- It's mine.
- [guests gasping, murmuring]

The baby she's carrying…
It's my... It's my baby.

[whispering] I'm confused.

I was taught by them to step up
and do what's right, and I'm doing it.

Pass me the wine.

Me and Emily took a trip to Mexico
where we met these two.

And, uh, one night, we got really drunk.

Like, like insanely drunk,
like really fucked up.

I was toe up, and things got
a little, um… a little weird.

Sexually. It got sexually weird.

Which led to me unintentionally,
'cause it wasn't my intentions to do this,

I unintentionally gave this woman a baby.

So now she's carrying my child.

It is what it is. That's my baby.

Actually, no.

We just wanted to share with you
that it's a boy,

and we're gonna name him Marcus
in your honor.

You're not the father.
He's not the father. I am. [chuckles]

I've been trying
to tell you that all week.

Okay, in Mexico, remember? I was gonna
run and jump off the cliff into the water.

- You're like, "Don't cover your balls."
- Yeah. So?

Yeah, so, the impact from the jump, like,

knocked the eight ball back
in the corner pocket.

'Cause now... now my balls work, man.

My balls work because of you.

So, that's not my baby?

- No.
- No.

[whispering] Yeah. It's not.

Sorry.

[Marcus clears throat, smacks lips]

I believe that the food choices are
between the fish

and... and the beef.

- Yeah.
- I hear they're both really tasty.

- Did you cheat on my daughter?
- Captain, hold on.

Answer me.
Did you have sex with that woman?

I'm honestly very confused right now.

- No, Daddy, he didn't.
- How would you know?

I just do, okay?

No! How would you know?

- Because I did.
- [guests gasp]

It's true. She did. It was hot.

I can vouch. [chuckles] Super hot.

This is the best wedding
I've ever been to.

Seriously?

You... You will never marry my daughter.

What have you done to her?

- He didn't do anything to me, Dad.
- [Gabe] Enough!

Move.

Sis, you're not thinking straight, okay?

Look, it's obvious to
everyone besides you

that you're marrying some loser
who's only bringing you down.

Yo, who you talkin' about?

I am talking about you.

You're utterly beneath her.
You have trash friends, a trash job.

And you wanna know
why? Because you are...

- What?
- [screams]

Shit.

- Well.
- [chuckling] Okay.

[man yodeling]

Look what you made me do again.

Marcus. You give me back those rings.

- Just give me back those damn rings.
- Oh, my...

Guess what, Harold.
It's not gonna happen.

You know why? Because the rings…

the rings are in the, um…

in the sewer.

[Emily's mother gasps]

[guests murmuring]

My rings?

Marcus. [sighs] Marcus.

- Is this who you want to marry?
- Not right now, Mom.

I'm gonna kick your ass, man.

Slow down, playboy.
Nobody's kicking anybody's ass.

[grunts]

- Yo.
- [grunts]

[clamoring]

[Kyla] Ron! Oh, my God! You guys!

[Kyla] Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Shit. Shit. Shit.

[grunts] So sorry.

[grunts] Sorry.

- You think the bar's still open?
- Mmm.

Marcus. Marcus, wait. Wait, baby.

Baby, why didn't you just tell me
you slept with Kyla?

[sighs] I don't know, okay.
Everything was just so weird.

And like you said, we were all so drunk.

It's no excuse, but it's not like you were
rushing to tell me you slept with her too.

- But I didn't sleep with her.
- But you thought you did.

- Yeah, 'cause she was on top of me.
- No. We were on top of you.

You were not involved.

- [Kyla] Almost.
- What are we doing?

[Kyla] You okay?
That was scary, right? Now…

What the hell?

Three, two times a day.
Down the hatch. Now swallow it down.

- Get it down.
- Hey. Look. What are you doing?

- What?
- What?

I knew it. Dr. Adolphus. You've been
giving her pills this whole time?

She's in so much pain.
I'm just helping her manage it.

- [Emily] Oh, my God.
- What the fuck, Kyla?

- What?
- She's old. She could OD.

- Grandma, spit it out.
- Hey, guys.

- [coughing]
- Grandma, Grandma. Spit it out. Grandma.

Spit it out, Grandma! Grandma.

I feel like I missed something.

You know what? Just try and swallow...

Come here!
You had no right to give her drugs.

Oh, no, no. No, no, no, babe.
They're not drugs. They're herbs.

Dr. Adolphus...
No, he's a homeopathic doctor.

Bullshit.
You said he got in trouble with the law.

Yeah, for selling raw milk.

Oregon's just not as liberal
as people think.

Whatever. The fact is, that's my grandma.

You should not have been
giving her anything.

[Marcus] That's the
problem with you two.

Y'all love poking your noses
in other people's shit.

Marcus, that's not true.

Oh, it's not true?

So, why would you invite my coworkers
to a wedding without asking me?

Why did you pawn my rings? You didn't
ask me if we wanted to do that either.

Or why would you put cocaine in the
drinks of people you don't even know?

Because I would want people to put
cocaine in my drink if they just met me.

We were just trying to be nice.

"Trying to be nice"
just blew up my fucking wedding!

[Marcus] This the crazy part.

We have no idea why you're here
'cause we didn't even invite you.

Marcus, we're here
because we're your friends.

Friends? You think we're friends?

We're not friends, okay!

We were just vacation friends
for one week in Mexico!

We didn't plan on
seeing y'all again, at all!

That's why I didn't give you
my phone number!

Okay, look. It's been an emotional night...

Emotional? Let me say this to you.

Your friend Charlie probably was able
to put up with your bullshit,

but I'm gonna tell you something,
we had enough.

We're done.

So do us a favor
and float the fuck outta here.

Kyla.

Uh, baby, it had to be done.

Yeah. They... They had it...
They had it coming.

- Yeah.
- Right?

Yeah.

Grandma, let me get you back inside.

[birds chirping]

[sighs] Oh, Emily says
Harold is still missing.

He was gone the whole night?

- You think your employees whupped his ass?
- [Nancy] Oh, stop.

Dad, no, okay. My employees wouldn't…

- Nah, you... you're being ridiculous.
- [door opens]

[laughing]

There he is. The man of the hour.

Are y'all drinking already?

We still going from last night.

Yeah, man.
Your wedding just gets better and better.

Well, I'm glad you enjoying yourself,

but, honestly, I don't think
we gonna have a wedding anymore.

- Do we get the Hennessy back?
- Mmm.

What are you talking about?
It's happening.

- Says who?
- [door opens]

Says this asshole.

[all laughing]

[Marcus] Harold?

How are ya? Marcus. How you doing?

Okay, look, man. Where have you been?

- [chuckles]
- Well, I've been with these fools.

It's an old army tradition.

When you punch a man,
you have to buy him a beer.

And we started drinking.

[together] And drinking
and drinking and drinking.

And while we were drinking, the boys told
me about what it was like to work for you.

They said, "Oh, Marcus.
Marcus is so... so demanding,

so... so uncompromising."

I must admit,
it does sound like someone I know.

[chuckles]

Then they told me
why your last marriage ended.

Is that right?

They said, your wife, she didn't wanna
go along with the sacrifices

that you made when the recession hit.

And they told me that…

[sighs]

…that you paid for
all of your employees, every man,

out of your own pocket.

Came back strong, though.

Thirty-five mil in revenue last year.

It's right there on the spreadsheet.

I admit, I haven't held you
in the highest esteem.

But you're a good businessman, Marcus.

But more important, you are a good man.

[chuckles] Wow. This means a lot, Harold.
I really appreciate...

[all laughing]

Yes. And to think,
I would never known any of this

if you hadn't invited these boys.

But, no. I mean, I actually
didn't even invite them. [chuckles]

Ron did.

Huh.

Where is Ron?

Hi, sweetie. Got a minute?

Grandma. I'm sorry about last night.
[sighs]

You mean when you stuck your hand
down my throat. [chuckles]

- It happens.
- Does it?

Whoa, whoa.

You can walk.

That pill Kyla gave me really works.

- Seriously? The herbs?
- Yeah.

And it doesn't make me sleepy
like my usual pill.

Oh, she's a sweet girl.

Yeah, she…

She's something. [sighs]

I'm sorry you two had a falling out.

But she did leave a wedding gift for you.

"Emily, you're the sister I never had
because my real sister is a B-I-T-C-H.

I guess it doesn't work to spell out
bad words when you're writing.

And meeting Marcus…"

"And meeting Marcus
has brought Ron back to life.

You wouldn't know it,

but he's been in a shit ton of pain
since he lost his best friend, Charlie.

When Charlie died,
half of Ron died with him.

Or at least it did
until you guys came along.

I'm sorry we cocked up
your whole weekend.

To make up for it,
Ron spent all morning getting these back.

PS: I'd wash them
before you put them on."

[sighs, scoffs]

We messed up, Marcus.

Yeah.

We gotta find them.

I don't know how we gonna do that.
Look, we ain't got a phone number on 'em.

- Shit, I don't even know where they went.
- [sighs]

[Emily] It should be close.
She said it was right down the block.

Nope. [panting]
Damn, baby, you know there's a...

there's a hundred Waffle Houses
in Atlanta.

So then we'll just work our way up
from here in concentric circles.

Classic circle sweep maneuver.

[Latin pop music playing]

[music ends]

Got a feeling that's them.

[chattering]

[breathing heavily]
I'm so glad we found you guys.

Mmm. Well, isn't this
an unhappy coincidence, huh, babe?

There's a Waffle House
right across the street.

- You should go eat at that one.
- [Marcus] Look, guys.

I know we said
some pretty shitty stuff last night.

- Yeah, shitty, untrue stuff.
- And you right, and we were out of line.

Yeah.
You guys are not just vacation friends.

You're real friends,
and we should have treated you like that.

So, please come...
come back to the wedding.

I can't get married without my best man.

Pretty words. How do
we know you mean 'em?

Salaam.

[sighs]

Well, what do you think? We go back?

- Fuck that.
- Kyla.

[Kyla] Ron, you heard them.

They were, like, accusing me
of giving drugs to people.

- You... You did.
- Only the good kind.

Right. They were homeopathic.

No, I'm talking about the cocaine.

It was really, really good cocaine.

No, honey.

It was great cocaine.

[crying] Thank you. I love you.

[Ron] They did come
all the way down here.

Marcus kissed me on the forehead…

in a Waffle House.

That's huge.

Okay. We will come to your wedding,

but you have to promise
to do something for me.

Sure. What... What is it?

You both have to promise
that you will come to ours.

Wait, wait, wait. Y'all getting married?

- Yeah, we decided to do it.
- [Emily squeals]

[Kyla giggles]

What changed your mind?

Well, Ron and I wanna do
what's best for Marcus.

Why do y'all wanna do
what's best for me?

No, Marcus… Marcus.

Our son who
we're literally naming after you.

[stammers] Yes, the baby.
The baby named Marcus.

- [Marcus laughs]
- [Kyla giggles]

And, look, y'all.
I promise we'll be there.

Yeah.
So, where you guys thinking of having it?

Well, we were thinking…
destination wedding.

- [romantic Latin music playing]
- [chuckles]

[chanting in Mayan]

[baby cooing]

[giggles, gasps]

- [squeals]
- [chuckles]

- Looks like you fuckers are married now!
- [Kyla laughs] Whoo!

- [Marcus] Yes! [laughs]
- [Kyla] Yay!

Oh, baby, I love you.

- [Harold] They did it.
- Yay!

Marcus, Mommy and Daddy are married!

- Thank you, you guys.
- [Grandma Phyllis] Congratulations.

- [Kyla] Thank you so much.
- [Marcus] Thanks, Pop.

Hey. Hey, everybody. Look. Look.

I would like to propose a toast
to the new couple

that is not only our new favorite couple,

these are our best friends.

We love you so much.
Congratulations to Ron and Kyla!

[cheering]

Cheers!

Mmm.

Refreshing.

[smacks lips]
The salt doesn't taste very salty.

- [Kyla] Hi, guys!
- Oh!

- Take this. Take this.
- [laughs]

- Do you mind taking baby Marcus?
- Oh, please.

[sighs] Wow.

Okay. I'll do it if you do it.

Jesus, Emily. I'm a mom now.

Of course I'm gonna do it.

[chuckles]

Hard to believe I'm a married man now.
It's a lot of responsibility.

Think you're ready for it?

Yeah.

Any advice?

A wise man told me
once to… to just float.

[Ron, Marcus chuckle]

- All right.
- Whoa, wait!

[waves lapping]

- [all screaming]
- ["Ooh La La" playing]

[man rapping]

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull