Original subtitles

[Chuckling, Reading Silently]

[Laughing] [Door Opens, Closes]

Good evening, Herman. Hmm.

[Creaking] [Wind Blowing]

[Knuckles Cracking]

[Rustling]

Uh, uh... Uh, Grandpa.

Grandpa!

I'm-I'm trying to read.

With all that noise, I can't concentrate on the jokes.

Thank you, dear.

Don't I have any rights in this house?

Oh... I just opened the window.

Well, sorry, Grandpa, but you let out all our musty air.

Fresh air affects my sinus.

[Knuckles Cracking]

- [Rasping] - Well, I'm sorry if my creaking old bones are bothering you.

- Oh, stop exaggerating. - That's right.

- Go ahead, yell at me. - I'm not yelling.

Oh, yes, you are. No, I'm not.

You are! I am not!

Oh! Stop it, you two!

You'll wake the dead again.

That's all right, Lily. Go right ahead, take his side.

But I know what's going on. [Scoffing]

You just can't wait to see me in my grave.

Oh, Grandpa, we've seen you there lots of times before.

You're acting very childish. I'm ashamed of you.

Oh, so now you're ashamed of me.

Well, you won't have to be ashamed of this poor, broken-down old man anymore.

The next time you see me around this place,

I won't be here.

Now, Grandpa... I'm leaving this house for good.

Oh, Grandpa. Tonight.

[Window Creaking]

Now, why did he have to do that?

Herman?

Yes, dear? I'm worried.

We wouldn't want Grandpa really to leave.

Now, Lily, believe me... there's nothing to worry your pretty head about.

Oh, what with the mood he's in, there's no telling what he might do.

Last time we had a family spat, he turned himself into a frog...

and lived under the porch for weeks.

Yes, and I've never seen him happier.

He could croak every night.

Aren't you just a little bit worried?

Listen, dear. Believe me, I know Grandpa.

I'm not gonna lose my head over this. [Chuckles]

[Squeaking]

?? [Humming] [Door Opens]

Hi, Grandpa. Hello, Eddie.

You going someplace, Grandpa? Yes, Eddie.

I'm going away... far, far away.

But, gee, Grandpa, where? Someplace where I'm wanted, where I can feel loved.

Gee, Grandpa, can I go to the cemetery with ya?

I always have so much fun when you take me there.

No, Eddie. This is not fun and games.

[Sniffles] This is facing life in its bitter reality.

You see, the time has come for me to depart.

You really don't wanna leave, do you, Grandpa?

Well, no, I don't, but I think it's best that I do.

Hmm. You see, Eddie, in the great poker game oflife,

it's time Grandpa cashed in his chips.

I bet if Mom and Dad knew you were leaving, they wouldn't want you to go.

Oh, they already do know it. They do?

Yes, and you don't see them stopping me, do you?

You see, my boy, they don't really care...

whether I go away or not.

Sure, they care. I'm going down and tell them you're packing, right now.

No, no, no, no.

I wouldn't want you to do a thing like that, my boy. No.

Oh, and, uh, by the way, do be careful what you say.

You see, I wouldn't want them to worry too much...

about a poor, broken-down old man...

going out into the cold, cruel world.

What kind of a world? "Cold, cruel world."

Good boy. Good boy. Bright boy.

[Laughing]

?? [Humming]

Mom! Dad! Grandpa's leaving!

He's in his room packing his suitcase.

Packing? Herman, you go right upstairs and stop him.

Now, Lily, Lily. This is just part of a big bluff he's putting on.

He's acting very silly.

I think he's in his second childhood for the third time.

Sure, Mom. You shouldn't worry too much...

about a poor, feeble, broken-down old man...

going out in the cold, cruel world and cashing in his chips.

Where did you hear that? Grandpa.

Hmm! Who else?

Hmm! Hmm!

Good-bye. I'm leaving.

I said I'm leaving.

Good-bye.

Good-bye. Bye.

[Footsteps]

[Slams]

Uh, may I?

Can I help you? No, no.

What are you looking for? Sailing dates on ships going to, uh, Hong Kong.

Uh, may I?

See? Right here.

It says there are plenty of good accommodations left...

in the hold of the ship. [Chuckling]

[Door Opens, Closes]

Herman, how could you?

Don't worry, dear. It's just part of his little game.

Hmm. After he's through sulking, he'll be back.

- But when? - Nevermore!

Aw, shut up!

[Raspberry]

"Don't worry, dear. He'll be back.

It's all part of his little game."

Oh, Herman, I should have known better. [Cup Clatters]

I still think he'll be back.

Tomorrow morning, we'll go up to his room, open his closet,

and he'll be hanging there like always.

No, I don't think so.

[Sighs] A little voice inside me keeps telling me he's... gone for good.

Oh, is that what it is? I thought that we'd left the radio on.

Uh, uh... Where's Marilyn?

She was so upset about Grandpa, she went straight to her room after school.

[Tsks] We've got to do something.

Herman, I think we should all go out and look for Grandpa.

Yeah, Dad! No, no, no, no.

I'm the one who let him go. I'll go get him.

And don't worry, dear.

I'll bring him back, dead or alive.

Oh, Herman, you're always so optimistic.

- Hi, fella. - [Whines]

[Whimpering]

Poor thing. I must resemble the local dogcatcher.

Uh, uh... Pardon me, sir. Yeah, Mac, what is it?

Uh, did you happen to see an old man walk by here?

No, I didn't happen to see an old man...

[Screams]

I guess it must be easier to work on from the inside.

Did you happen to look... Lily, I looked everywhere.

I even looked in the all-night Laundromat.

The woman in there must have thought it was the public bath.

She jumped right in the washing machine.

Oh, dear.

Poor Grandpa. He won't be with us for the holidays.

He-He'll be back. I'm-I'm sure he will.

[Squawks] Grandpa. Nevermore.

[Wailing] Oh!

[Crying] Now, Lily. Lily.

Lily, I'm home. [Chuckles]

Did you hear anything from Grandpa? Oh, not a word.

I spent most of the day in his room looking for some sort of clue...

as to where he might have gone, but no luck.

His room is as clean as a wolf s tooth.

Did you stop by the police station?

No, but I called them from work.

Are they looking for Grandpa? They weren't,

but after I gave them his description, they said they'd send out a dragnet...

or some sort of net.

Good. Mom! Dad!

I found Grandpa in this newspaper.

Oh, not in the obituaries again?

No. His picture is in this ad. He's doing his magic act.

[Lily] "Domino Nightclub presents the "Count. "

Oh, dear. I hope he doesn't try that-that... oh, that fire-eating trick of his.

I certainly hope not.

Uh, uh... The last time he tried it, he got the hiccups.

And before they could stop him, he burnt down the theater.

Hmm.

[Chuckles]

Oh, Lily, I fixed your vacuum cleaner.

Oh, good. How does it work? Fine.

[Engine Whirring]

See? Shoots the dust out as well as ever. [Chuckles]

Thank you, Herman. You're very handy.

Uh, would you like to use it now?

No. No, I just can't concentrate on my housework.

L... l-I keep thinking about Grandpa.

I miss him so much. I know, dear.

[Sighs] I can just see him in his room,

sitting there, rocking by the hour.

I know. I always felt bad we didn't get him a chair.

You know, Herman, I think I'd feel better if I could just talk to him,

if I could hear his voice.

Well, listen, dear, I've got an idea.

Wh-Why don't you call him down at the nightclub?

I think I will.

[Rotary Dialing] Hello, Operator?

Could you get me the Domino Club, please, on West Elm.

Oh, hello? Hello. This is Mrs. Munster.

Could I speak to the Count please?

They're calling him to the phone. Oh, good.

Hello? Hello, Grandpa? This is Lily.

Lily? Lily who? ?? [Piano: Up Tempo, Muffled]

- Lily, your daughter. - Oh.

Uh, uh... Nice of you to call. What's new?

Grandpa, we miss you so much.

Are you all right? We're so worried about you.

Worried? You don't have to worry about this broken-down old man.

I'm doing fine. My magic act is going great.

I'm filling the club every night.

Oh, all right, Grandpa. Yes, I see.

Well, if that's the way you want it.

Good-bye.

?? [Piano Continues]

[Door Opens, Closes] [Man] Hey, pops.

Just a little warning, pops.

You brush up that corny magic act of yours, or you'll be out in the street.

Yes, sir. I know I'm a little rusty,

but I'm sure I'll be much better in the next show.

Well, ya better be. We don't want our customers to think...

we dug you up at the last minute.

Yes, sir. You see, I'm adding a new trick to my act.

H-Here, let me show it to you.

Now, you see, I take this ordinary vase of flowers.

I make a few magic passes over it.

It bursts into flames, and rockets shoot out.

I'll show you.

Abakazoo! Abakazam!

I know. You're skeptical.

Abakazoo! Abakazam!

But just one minute... [Door Closes]

[Rockets Shooting]

Stupid late bloomers! The guy already left.

[Engine Shuts Off]

Here we are, dear... the Domino Club.

Oh, thank you.

It's not very fancy. According to Grandpa, I thought it would be ultra swank.

Uh, uh... "According to Grandpa"?

[Scoffing] We should have known.

Uh, Lily, I feel terribly conspicuous dressed the way we are for such a shabby place.

Well, let's hope it'll be nicer inside...

and not one of those beatnik joints.

If there's anything I can't stand, it's weird people.

What a surprise this'll be for Grandpa.

?? [Band: Striptease]

This is certainly no place for Grandpa.

I've seen "liver" audiences in a graveyard.

?? [Continues]

[Slurred] Pardon me.

Could you give me a light?

Oh, gladly.

?? [Ends] [Applause]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

I shall perform for you one of the most amazing feats...

ever attempted in the annals of magic.

Here we have approaching...

an ordinary steamer trunk.

Now before your very eyes,

I shall step into this trunk...

and allow these two... gentlemen...

to lock,

[Chains Rattling] Chain...

and nail shut the lid of this trunk.

And then at the count of 10,

without the aid of any death-defying leap,

I shall emerge from this trunk unassisted.

?? [Band]

Remember, ladies and gentlemen, at the count of 10...

[Exhales] Unassisted.

Impresario.

You are ready to commence the tabulation? Ready.

Herman, I've never seen Grandpa do this trick before.

His magic's been getting so rusty.

I know. The way he's been carrying on lately,

he couldn't produce a rabbit on Easter Sunday. [Hammering]

[Hammering]

One, two,

three, four,

[Rattling, Thumping] Five, six,

seven, eight,

nine, 10.

- Ten! Ten! - Herman, I don't like this, not one bit.

Ten.! Now, now, Lily. ?? [Cymbals Crash]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have run into some difficulty.

- Bring on the dancing girls. - [People Cheering]

?? [Band: Up Tempo]

Oh, Herman, this is terrible.

Poor Grandpa.

Excuse me, dearie. I was just admiring your ring.

Oh, thank you. Oh, it's simply gorgeous.

Rhinestone? Uh, no, no. Tombstone.

[Cheering, Whistling]

?? [Ends] And now...

[Kicking Trunk] Grandpa will suffocate if he doesn't get out of there.

And now... One, Oh, Herman, do something.

I'm going to. I'm going to, Lily. Two,

Even if he gets mad at me, three, four,

I'm gonna get him outta there if it's the last thing I do. Five...

Come on, Count! Count!

Uh, uh... Excuse me.

- Uh, may I? - What the heck is that?

Must be part of the act.

Boy! What a makeup job.

Oh, so that's the gimmick. Go ahead.

That's quite an act.

[Nails Squeaking]

Herman. What are you doing here?

I'm rescuing you. I don't need any rescuing.

But Lily and I saw you. We thought you were suffocating.

Herman, do me a favor. Get lost!

I'm tryin' to do magic.

All right. If that's the way you feel about it.

Uh, he'd rather do it himself.

[Laughter]

[Man] He's a phony.

Ladies and gentlemen, that was an amazing display of strength,

but now let's check on the Count.

[Snarling]

That Grandpa... what a ham.

?? [Band: Fanfare] [Cheering, Applause]

[Cheering, Whistling]

[Man] More.! More.! More.! More.!

You were just great, Count. I want to apologize for all those things I said. [Woman, Grandpa Chattering]

Now, look, Count, I want to give you a contract, and you can write your own ticket.

I'll double your salary, book you all through the East.

I got friends back there who'll take care of you.

In the East! Oh, I haven't flown there in years.

Come on, Lily. Oh, Herman.

[Crying] We've lost Grandpa for good. [Sighs]

Thank you, but I have another booking.

This one is with my family.

Oh! Welcome back, Grandpa.

But, pops, show business needs performers like you.

I know that, but I found one thing out there tonight.

I need my family more than show business needs me.

Oh!

Boy, there's a real showbiz family for ya.

They even go home with their makeup on.

Grandpa, I hope I didn't ruin your act for you.

I was just trying to be helpful.

Oh, I was never in any trouble, but thanks anyway.

It shows that your heart is in the right place.

Oh, oh... Oh, always has been. [Chuckles]

Grandpa, are you sure you could have gotten out of that trunk all by yourself?

Of course, Lily. I was only toying with the audience.

Of course he was. Hmm.

Oh, it sure is wonderful to be back with my family,

especially at this time of the year.

[Marilyn, Herman] Oh! My favorite holiday dish...

plum pudding soaked in brandy sauce.

Here. Here, let me light it for you. Come on! Come on!

W-W-Wait a minute. What's going on here anyway?

What do you think, I'm a helpless old man?

[Scoffing]

[Click]

[Squawks] Grandpa! Forevermore!

[Squawks] [All Laughing]

That's my dad.

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