Original subtitles

Well, here at the Sunnyside Up Breakfast Show,

we really do know what the most important meal of the day is.

Yes, dinner.

You've really made a meal out of that one.

Ooh!

Oh, gosh. Oh. - Oh, that�s right.

Oh, crikey me.

Well one thing you do want to make a meal out of is that perfect poached egg.

And for more on that, we�ve got Jenny.

Yes, I am standing outside Michelin-star winning restaurant,

Le Coeur de la Mer,

where head chef, Amy Brannagh

will be showing me how to avoid a bad poached egg.

- Yes. - Right.

Though that does seem a somewhat trivial pitfall compared to our...

...ceaseless momentum toward inevitable self-annihilation.

It is amazing to think that one day, the Earth will be...

...a celestial graveyard. Back to you in the studio.

Look here, Johnson,

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Well, anyway.

Oh.

Bring the beat back.

Oh, yes, I remember that.

Yes, I remember that.

Hello, hello! Good evening. Hi.

Oh, good evening and welcome to...

"Who Gives A Shit?"

...the show where we find out...

"Who Gives A Shit?"

...and about what. Let�s meet the contestants.

Okay, we�ve got Hunter, who lives in a right-wing echo chamber.

This whole thing is staged. It�s a set. It�s fake.

And Lyn, whose crowning achievement is youth... Great chat.

Margaret, who told us she�s an activist.

I... am an activist.

And Dylbert. He�s so woke, he says I can�t look him in the eye

because it�s a form of oppression.

Let�s play! So as always,

only one item tonight is worth giving a shit about.

But remember, give all your shits to the wrong items,

you won�t be able to give a shit about anything else.

Let�s look at our first category.

It is "Things That Happened Today".

Kim Kardashian�s expensive pedicure habit.

Lyn! Straight out of the gate there with all seven shits.

Lyn, you really give seven shits about this?

Yeah. I mean, this is the most important thing like in the world...

...for the next eight minutes.

Oh, Lyn!

That is not worth giving a single shit about.

It�s time to go the "Toilet of Apathy".

-

There she goes. Lyn, all shat out.

Well never mind. Onto the next round. Medicine.

Vaccines-- -

Oh, Hunter, straight in...

These vaccinations, they cause autism.

Bill Gates wants you to get this vaccination so he can install Windows 95

in your fucken brain and so you can�t see the truth.

Okay, let�s see if Hunter is correct,

to give all these shits to something that is only refuted by Instagram influencers

with no qualifications whatsoever.

Ohh! Hunter, I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately the facts were factually factual. Goodnight.

-

I'll be coming back here with my semi-automatic.

Oh my God.

Oi, Dad, yeah can I please borrow your spud gun?

Thanks. I love you.

-

Well onto round three, Art and History.

-

Trent Western�s...

Yes, interview with Playboy in the 1970s.

Dylbert, you think this is worth giving all your shits about?

Yeah. What Trent Western said was racist, and he should be deplatformed. Fuck him.

You can�t be more deplatformed than being dead, Dylbert.

But are you sure you want to lock in those shits?

One hundo P, and you're looking at me.

Yes, my apologies.

Alright, let�s see if Dylbert is correct to give a shit about something

a dead celebrity said fifty years ago.

Ohh! -

There was no reason to give a single shit about that at all.

What he did was objectively wrong.

A contestant challenge.

It�s time to ask the voice of reason.

-

Dialling, as always, number two.

-

Oh, really?

-

Okay. You were right to say it was wrong...

Told you. - ...but wrong about it

mattering now.

I'm so sorry, Dylbert, it�s off to the "Toilet of Apathy".

Goodnight, Dylbert.

It�s bullshit. -

Only one contestant left. Next round is "The Hard Basket".

-

The Rich-Poor Divide.

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Wow! Oh, and it�s the winning item.

-

This is exciting, but we�re not through yet.

For Margaret�s shits to stick,

we have to go into her life and see if she actually, gives a shit.

Let�s begin.

Okay, so you've shared posts on Facebook, from friends,

saying they want to end poverty.

You�ve retweeted the hashtag �EatTheRich� thirteen times.

It�s looking positive.

Okay, but you have used a food delivery app that doesn't support minimum wage.

And you ordered that food on a smartphone, made of rare-earth minerals

mined by tiny children, some of whom apparently are dead.

Okay, well let�s let the Shitometer crunch those numbers.

Ohh! Margaret! I'm so sorry, but it seems like you are all fart and no shit.

I'm afraid to win, you need to do shit about the shit...

...you say you give a shit about. Next time, just do something. Okay?

Yeah.

Sadly, no winners tonight, and that does bring us to the end of the episode.

But we do have a few seconds left for our little bum nugget of truth.

Now, you know, sometimes you think you're looking at a big shit,

but actually, it�s just a small shit you're looking at too close. Goodnight.

-

2021 means diversity.

In the workplace,

in politics, every background and lived experience together.

Now it's where it matters most.

Drone striking people far away.

Woke drones are gonna change the face of warfare,

and it's gonna be a diverse face.

That's why our latest fleet of woke drones

are our most progressive yet, able to inflict colossal damage.

The MQ 10 Grim Predator can only be activated

by a chain of people from every race,

gender and sexuality, holding hands in pure love.

It's so heart-warming to see people of all genders and races,

coming together to drone strike strangers.

That's what I call friendly fire.

This cutting-edge activation mechanism

ensures we value people of all backgrounds,

while also killing people of a specific background.

It feels so good when I say "they" are all dead.

Knowing that that could mean men, women, or kids.

We just use a one pronoun for all our victims.

It's very inclusive.

I used to think that killing people for money was despicable,

but, um, when they changed the name of the drone

from an "Unmanned Aerial Vehicle",

to an "Unpersonned Aerial Vehicle"...

... I was like "Wow, now that's progress."

We're proud of being a non-discriminatory employer,

making sure that, whatever your lived experience,

it won't stop you from pursuing your dream of

carrying out unlawful killings with total impunity.

We don't discriminate when we employ,

and we don't discriminate when we seek and destroy.

Yeah, I mean, it could be anyone down there.

Have you seen the screens? They're tiny.

It's like playing a computer game.

So what are you waiting for?

Become a woke drone pilot today so that we look

slightly less evil for some reason.

Go Woke Drones!

Whoo!

-

Ah, those twins�ll be BFFs.

They will. They will.

Speaking of, um, best friends

we go now to Jenny Morgan who�s with some of man�s best friends

at the Gloucester Dog Show. Jenny.

Well, certainly not just man�s best friend.

I am a woman and partial to the odd puppy too.

An amazing array of breeds here on show at the Gloucester Biennale,

but what is more impressive is the fact that we are hurtling through space

at 67,000 miles an hour in a universe that is otherwise largely...

...bereft of life.

Back to you in the studio.

-

Next question. Your dinner, ah,date.

They leave to go to the bathroom.

While they�re gone, do you check your phone?

I wouldn�t take a date to a restaurant.

I have no qualms about directly asking for sex.

Very well.

Being human, I appreciate I can be manipulated.

These latest tests cannot.

Is this some sort of joke?

Respond as required.

I think I know what traffic lights look like.

Respond as required.

Very well.

This is a traffic light.

And this one.

Sorry, does it mean just the actual light.

Or... do the poles that are supporting the lights also count?

It�s the traditional traffic light scenario.

Okay.

- Wait. Um...

No, you see, I... I clicked the pole,

which is definitely a part of the light, which you... you also agreed.

Perhaps it is you who is the robot.

Because I am not a robot.

Prove it. This final test should be really easy.

There.

You see?

I am in fact extremely human-like.

Only a human could possibly tick a box. You may leave.

-

It�s a synthetic!

Watch out, she�s on the move. She�s on the move!

Yeah, she�s on the move!

Good job me. - Oh, she�s got my...

... Oh! Arghh! Oh, my face!

Those tests are flawless.

-

Crikey, indeed.

Well you know what, your keys not so much, but one thing you might want to lose,

all those extra pounds after that Christmas pudding.

Wait, hold on. Hold on a sec. I feel like this segment�s aimed at me.

Ooh!

Ugh.

It is. So for more, we�ve got Jenny who�s working up a sweat.

Yes, we all gain a few after the festive period,

but what�s the quickest way to lose weight?

Though even if we do lose weight,

that will do nothing to slow down entropy.

The process by which the universe is shedding its own energy,

one day leaving it a frozen, unwelcoming and hostile place,

expunging all life, rendering all of our pursuits...

...utterly pointless.

Back to you!

We have a lot to be thankful for in 2053.

Toilets with face recognition, rice with face recognition.

And world peace.

But how did we achieve a world without war?

It all began in 2021, with Professor McBride,

an expert in international relations and conflict resolution at the UN.

Back then, I spent a lot of time moaning about old white men.

It was a go-to pejorative for obvious reasons.

Yes, old white men had a lot to answer for.

Sexism, rampant Capitalism and a world where peace was enforced through violence.

At the time, there were a lot of calls to...

...you know, increase diversity in the military.

You know, get people who were young from different backgrounds,

sexualities, genders.

But I knew that that would only make the military more effective.

You know, more wars. More death.

So I went in the opposite direction and started getting even older white men

into positions of power.

July 2021 and a missile launch isn�t far off.

Gosh. Sorry, wrong key!

-

Oh, now this one is for the ah, storeroom...

...and that�s ah, I don't know, that�s a chook.

Err, this one is for the, ah, storeroom...

Unable to launch,

a conflict was averted and the trial proved McBride�s theory a success,

that if you push oldness and whiteness past a certain threshold,

these characteristics become a positive.

I called it... "The Octogenenerals".

By pushing oldness and whiteness to their extreme,

these men were accidentally making the world a better place.

And better still, no one could stop them.

Zero Alpha, I've got eyes on the target. Permission to light him up.

Permission grant... Janine?

Zero Alpha?

- Oh, she were great. I mean,

she was a really beautiful girl.

Frank, can you please get off the comms?

She could light the entire room.

Oh, no. Lovely. Oh, beautiful.

Zero Alpha, I need permission to shoot. He�s about to leave.

Can you get off the comms, Frank, please?

Oh. Oh. No, but what I wanted to say...

And the target�s gone. Cool. Thank you, Frank.

The Octogenenerals were not only disruptive in and of themselves,

but were so charming and wistful that younger recruits

also found it difficult to execute their responsibilities.

You know, I've lived through twelve wars.

They�re not really that special.

But now Janine, she was special.

Hey? Hey?

Yes!

With Octogenenerals deployed across the globe,

the military personnel attrition rates reached an all-time high

as they all left to propose to their high school sweethearts and go fishing.

With extremely old white guys losing keys across the globe,

talking over important missions and instilling an octogenarian�s appreciation

for the simple things in life, world peace soon followed.

Octogenenerals. Out with the old, in with the even older.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, yes, I remember that.

Yes, I remember that.

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