Original subtitles

Son, please stop pacing.

You're stirring up my vertigo.

Hey pop, I'm anxious to see

my kids.

My kids.

Aw.

Daddy!

Grandpa!

Hey!

Come here.

Oh, there's my pumpkin.

Oh, there's my pumpkin.

Ah!

Hey!

Hey!

So, how was L.A.?

So, how was L.A.?

Oh it was real cool.

You know if you're down with

warm weather, palm trees, and

kickin' it with hot chicks.

Kickin' it with hot chicks.

Okay so I kicked it near some

hot chicks.

And, ah, how about you,

And, ah, how about you,

young lady?

Oh, I'm fine.

You sure?

She probably ate that

She probably ate that

in-flight food.

It takes you to dark, horrible

places.

And guess what.

We went to magic mountain,

we went to magic mountain,

lego land, the la brea tar pits.

I learned all about the

pleistocene era.

[Simultaneously] Ooh.

[Simultaneously] Ooh.

One of the dinosaurs looked

just like Keenan.

Oh.

♪ good thing we've got ♪

♪ one another ♪

♪ one another ♪

♪ read between the lines ♪

♪ stuck between a rock ♪

♪ and a hard place ♪

♪ could be a hard place to be ♪

♪ could be a hard place to be ♪

♪ if I didn't have ♪

♪ my village holdin' me ♪

♪ my father, son ♪

♪ two daughters ♪

♪ and two best friends ♪

♪ surroundin' me with ♪

♪ surroundin' me with ♪

♪ the strength of 10,000 men ♪

♪ ha-ha, yeah, I got this ♪♪

[Chuckles]

Did you say this one's more

affordable than that one?

Then I'll take this one.

Oh, it even feels like money.

Oh, it even feels like money.

Hee hee!

Hey, sweetheart.

Can you believe it?

Rita's room is almost done.

Rita's room is almost done.

Yeah.

So is my bank account.

Don't even joke.

This crew has been amazing.

This crew has been amazing.

Well, almost like you and

Simone finally have something

in common.

A shared respect for my

sense of style?

Sense of style?

You both like Jerry.

I set them up a few weeks ago.

Jerry?

Jerry?

And the beast from the east?

Why are you just telling me

this?

I'm regretting telling you

I'm regretting telling you

at all the way your nostrils

are flarin' up.

Trust me baby, not a good look.

She almost broke us up,

She almost broke us up,

Julius.

I'm not gonna employ a man with

such obvious bad judgment.

Jerry has to go.

Jerry has to go.

Just to remind you, i'm

still standing right here.

Jerry, I'm crazy about you,

but you're fired.

But you're fired.

Relax babe.

We are not firin' Jerry.

Is your goal to sleep in

that brand-new master bedroom

that brand-new master bedroom

alone?

I'll give you two weeks'

severance and not a penny more.

Can I come in?

Can I come in?

Hi Ms. Helen.

I didn't know you were here.

I didn't know you were here.

Oh I'm baking cupcakes with

Alexis, but her easy bake oven

takes a while to heat up.

Baby could you excuse us?

Baby could you excuse us?

I'd like to speak to kaci alone.

No she can stay.

We're practically sisters.

We're practically sisters.

Okay.

So...

I hear you been troopin' around.

You okay?

You okay?

It's just hard being in new

Rochelle and missing her mom so

much.

Much.

I kind of agree with what

your nosey friend just said.

I remember when I was your

age...

Age...

Oh no,

that's not gonna help you now.

Ah, let me tell you.

Ah, let me tell you.

When I married my second

husband, he became a ballroom

dancer.

Dancer.

There were two roads that

diverged in the woods.

Diverged in the woods.

And I took the one less

traveled.

You see?

[Simultaneously] No.

[Simultaneously] No.

Have fun.

Good luck.

Helen.

Helen.

What are you doin' up here?

Auntie Helen had a little

talk with her other goddaughter.

Talk with her other goddaughter.

Straightened everything out.

You're welcome.

Whoa slow down baby duck.

Whoa slow down baby duck.

Mm-mm.

No, no, no.

I'm gonna finish this meal

before you change your mind

about payin'.

My girl, it's a pleasure to

My girl, it's a pleasure to

treat you.

Also got there vittles half off

on groupon.

[Cell phone rings]

[Cell phone rings]

It's my boyfriend.

[Sighs]

This is the third time he tried

this is the third time he tried

to reach me.

Hello--

I'm usin' my valuable

discount on you, I need your

discount on you, I need your

undivided attention.

I knew it!

You're tryin' to get your

sister's kids free tetanus

shots again.

Shots again.

They need to start wearin'

shoes.

Now what is this free food

really all about?

Really all about?

I had to fire Jerry.

You fired my boyfriend?

Technically, Rita fired him.

Technically, Rita fired him.

I don't believe it.

You know what?

I am payin' for my own meal.

I am payin' for my own meal.

I will not accept charity from

a man who's being run by the

a man who's being run by the

beast from the east.

That's exactly what she

called you.

Hey you forgot to leave a tip!

Dad.

Where's my English lit essay?

♪

Just had dinner with

Just had dinner with

Simone.

Told her we fired her boyfriend.

Still not gettin' the

sadness.

You don't understand 'cause

You don't understand 'cause

you have no real friends.

Just because I don't hang

out with people from my middle

school homeroom doesn't mean I

school homeroom doesn't mean I

don't have friends.

It wasn't homeroom; It was

homeec.

Our hamburger helper soufflé

was legendary.

Was legendary.

[Giggles]

Your relationship with them is

not normal.

Not normal.

I finally understand why Carla

didn't want Alex hangin' out

with you and witch Hazel.

With you and witch Hazel.

Unfunny "three stooges."

If I had a banana cream pie

i'd...

I'd...

Who am I kiddin', I'd eat it.

Alex dumped you for his wife.

It's time to return the favor.

♪

Hey, kaci, your paper was

pretty good.

Pretty good.

Yeah we're just a family

full of talented writers,

aren't we?

Actually it was better than

a lot of my students.

A lot of my students.

Hey you wanna teach my class?

Hey, ah, kaci.

Kaci, c-come here for a sec.

Kaci, c-come here for a sec.

Come here.

Have a seat next to your old

have a seat next to your old

man.

[Sighs]

Or you can sit over there.

By the way, your new bee pollen

deodorant works like a charm.

Deodorant works like a charm.

Yeah I think it's safe to say

that you will never get stung

under the armpits.

Under the armpits.

Okay, so why don't we...

I wanna go live with mom!

I wanna go live with mom!

[Quiet music playing]

[Knock on door]

[Knock on door]

Now unfortunately I can't

stay long.

Great.

'Cause this won't take long.

Oh you watch the sass,

Mr. Rude man.

What did you say to kaci to

upset her?

Upset her?

Me?

Upset someone?

You were forcefully escorted

out of a spelling bee, so you

are capable.

Are capable.

It's not what she said.

It's what you didn't say.

It's what you didn't say.

I know about your little book.

You know what, here's a new

chapter for you: Sometimes you

chapter for you: Sometimes you

should tell your kids the truth.

Excuse me?

Book?

I better not be in any book,

I better not be in any book,

but if I am and they turn it

into a movie, Meryl Streep

should play me.

Kaci...

Kaci...

And I know you and mom are

getting a divorce.

Helen: [Gasps]

Helen, I need to talk to

kaci alone.

As a member of this family,

As a member of this family,

I have the right to be here.

Helen.

Oh but I'll go.

'Cause you know I don't insert

'cause you know I don't insert

myself any place where I don't

belong.

Oh.

Look, kaci, what you saw

isn't even a real book yet.

It's, it's more of a journal; A

it's, it's more of a journal; A

way to document this journey

I'm on.

It's not just your journey,

dad.

We're on it too.

We're on it too.

And what about the divorce?

When were you gonna mention

that journal entry?

We were gonna tell you

together.

Together.

On your mother's next visit.

Whatever, dad.

You know what, you always tell

us that we can talk to you

us that we can talk to you

about everything, but you don't

tell us anything.

Tell us anything.

I can't wait to get out of here.

All right.

Ah.

Ah.

Mm.

Yeah.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

I'm not hungry.

When has that ever stopped

you?

You?

It's Rita.

Oh great.

Now I can't eat.

Now I can't eat.

Either I stop hangin' out

with you guys, or she's dumpin'

me.

I don't wanna be without my

Rita.

Rita.

Your Rita?

What about your friends?

Do my friends look good in a

barely there swimsuit off the

coast of Turks and Caicos?

Coast of Turks and Caicos?

I mean, Alex might...

You know, if I learned one

thing in my years at

firehouses, all differences can

firehouses, all differences can

be resolved over a well-cooked

meal.

Mm-hmm.

Why don't we have Rita over

for dinner?

For dinner?

Oh no I'm not breakin' bread

with witch Hazel.

That's exactly what she

called--never mind.

Simone, come on.

Simone, come on.

Do this for me.

Bring Jerry.

We'll make peace with everybody.

Sing "we are one," "we are the

world," "we are family."

World," "we are family."

We gonna eat now.

Mr. Reed: Uh-huh.

Mr. Reed: Uh-huh.

♪

A little help?

I'm not helping you make the

biggest mistake of your life.

Biggest mistake of your life.

If you don't come over here

and sit on this thing right

now, I will unfriend you.

Ha-ha.

Watch out.

Watch out.

Be careful.

You really--

[Giggles]

I'm trying.

I'm trying.

[Simultaneously]

I'm gonna miss you.

Hey k, have you seen my

steinbecker set?

Yeah, right there.

Yeah, right there.

You are so busted.

You are so busted.

Finally runnin' away together,

huh?

Yes, Keenan, we are running

Yes, Keenan, we are running

away together.

Except Jasmine's gonna stay

here and I'm gonna go live with

mom.

Mom.

That's not funny, kaci.

I think this may be a good

time to say I'll text ya later.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bye.

See ya.

What are you talkin' about,

kaci?

Keenan, mom and dad are

Keenan, mom and dad are

getting a divorce.

So?

So?

Good.

It was about time dad realized

that he deserves better.

Yeah, he claims that's not

Yeah, he claims that's not

how it happened.

Then why are you leaving?

You know she left us, remember?

Yeah, temporarily.

Yeah, temporarily.

For a job.

She's coming back and I want to

go stay with her until she does.

Go stay with her until she does.

What about Alexis?

She has you.

What about me?

What about me?

You sure you don't want to run

away with Jasmine?

Away with Jasmine?

It makes more sense.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Mmm.

Monroe, you need some help

in here?

Your timing is excellent, as

is your taste in women.

Is your taste in women.

Hey, what about my taste in

women?

Impeccable.

Oh, now, time for the feast.

Oh, now, time for the feast.

Mm, yeah.

We're eating in the kitchen?

We're eating in the kitchen?

Uh, well of course not.

Why would we do that when we

have a perfectly beautiful

dining room?

After you.

After you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh!

You know what we need?

Mother father-daughter

mother father-daughter

quality time.

You know it's been a while

since we've been to the

vineyard.

What was the name of the

restaurant that you love?

Restaurant that you love?

Seafood shanty.

Seafood shanty.

That's right.

You loved their meatless

lobster quesadillas.

Lobster quesadillas.

Why don't we, ah, why don't we

why don't we, ah, why don't we

go there next weekend?

Maybe when I come back for a

summer visit.

Summer visit.

You still want to go to L.A.

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, dad, I do.

Yeah, dad, I do.

Look, kaci, I don't know

what else I can say to make you

want to stay.

Want to stay.

You know I know I'm not your

biological dad, but I couldn't

love you any more if I were.

Love you any more if I were.

I know that.

Just the more I think about it,

just the more I think about it,

I mean, auntie Simone tried to

give me the talk, Ms. Lori

tried too hard to be my

tried too hard to be my

friend, and even Ms. Helen

god-adopted me.

But I already have a mother.

And I want to go be with her.

Even if I buy you a brand-new

Even if I buy you a brand-new

clean-fuel car?

[Chuckles]

I'm joking.

I'm joking.

It's a joke, sweetheart.

Unless you really want one.

Really?

Really?

Happy bat-mitzvah joanie.

Ah, Franklin?

Oh.

Yeah.

Wrong table.

I really gotta get better

lighting in here.

Lighting in here.

Monroe, that was the best

meal I ever had.

[Laughs]

Hey wait.

What about my spaghetti?

What about my spaghetti?

Monroe, that was the second

best meal I ever had.

[Chuckles]

Aw, thanks Jerry.

Aw, thanks Jerry.

Rita you didn't touch your

food.

You on the atkins diet?

No, I eat.

No, I eat.

I'm just very picky.

Well tell me what you like.

I can whip you up something.

No, thanks.

No, thanks.

I'm sure I wouldn't like it.

Well how would you know you

wouldn't like it if you

haven't tried it?

Haven't tried it?

Babe, let him make you

somethin'.

He's one of the best chefs in

all of new Rochelle.

All of new Rochelle.

[Angrily]

Then let him whip you up

something else, Julius.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it

like that.

Like that.

I don't like to eat late.

It's all right, son.

If she's not hungry, she's not

if she's not hungry, she's not

hungry.

No it's not all right.

No it's not all right.

You prepared an incredible meal.

The least she coulda done was

try it.

Julius is right.

We have been nothing but kind

to you.

To you.

Well, to your face.

Let's go, Julius.

You know what, you are a

tasteless, manipulative,

self-centered,

self-centered,

admittedly beautiful and

stylish, love your shoes by the

way, woman.

Way, woman.

I know Julius will never lave

you, but he absolutely should.

You're right.

He will never leave me.

He will never leave me.

Let's go, Julius.

This is me, walkin' out that

door.

Are you comin'?

Are you comin'?

No, Rita.

Not this time.

This is me, sitting down.

This is me, sitting down.

Saying goodbye.

Sayonara, adios, au revoir,

sayonara, adios, au revoir,

arrivederci.

I get it, Julius.

Bueno.

Bueno.

♪

Hey.

Hey dad.

Hey.

So, how was the dinner?

So, how was the dinner?

The woman didn't touch her

food.

What?

My food.

My food.

You think she's on the heroin?

No I think Rita's just high

on Rita.

On Rita.

Oh.

But there is good news.

Yeah?

Yeah got your boy back.

Told Rita to hit the road in

several languages.

Several languages.

Whoa.

All right.

Julius.

Unfortunately, I didn't get my

girl back.

Girl back.

She's determined to go, pop.

Then you gotta let her go,

son.

Hey Keenan.

Hey Keenan.

I'm goin' to bed.

You sure you don't want to

talk about it?

I just want to go to bed,

dad.

Dad.

Come here, son.

Listen, if you need space, I

listen, if you need space, I

get it.

But if you need something else,

but if you need something else,

I'm here.

All right.

Right now I just feel like

goin' to sleep.

Understood.

I don't know what it's gonna be

like for you out there.

You know, once the newness of

the warm weather and Sandy

the warm weather and Sandy

beaches wears off.

I'll probably be one of

those ugly new yorkers who

never stops talking about how

superior New York is but never

superior New York is but never

leaves L.A.

You know your mom probably

won't be able to hang out with

won't be able to hang out with

you as much as you hope.

She'll probably yell at you for

not doing your homework,

threaten you when you're on the

phone too much.

Phone too much.

Oh, then I'll feel right at

home.

Final boarding call for blue

sky flight 982

sky flight 982

nonstop to Los Angeles is now

boarding.

Better get going.

Hey.

Now remember.

Let any boy who looks at you

twice know--

I have a grandfather who's

third degree black belt in

karate.

Karate.

Make it judo.

Sounds more intimidating.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Don't forget what I said.

Start posting cat videos on

Keenan's Facebook.

No matter what he says, he

no matter what he says, he

likes it.

Mm-hmm.

That's right.

[Soft beep]

Dad!

[Sniffles]

[Sniffles]

Tell Keenan to try really hard

not to be mad at me forever.

Not to be mad at me forever.

Will do.

[Sniffles]

[Sniffles]

Do those pilots look high to

Do those pilots look high to

you?

No, pop, they don't.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Alex: Sometimes everything

you plan works out exactly as

you intended.

You intended.

And sometimes the best-laid

plans have a life of their own.

Hey.

Hey dad.

Hey dad.

Carla called.

Said she was tryin' to reach

you.

Wanted to set a time when you

wanted to set a time when you

guys could tell Alexis.

Maybe I should clean up a

bit.

Yeah.

Yeah we were thinkin' the same

thing.

Thing.

Come on in, everybody.

We?

Mm-hmm.

♪

Oh god.

Oh god.

Whoa!

Remember our deal, pops.

If I clean, you cook.

If I clean, you cook.

Aw!

Oh!

♪

Alex: Eight years ago, two

rambunctious seven-year-olds

came into my life.

Came into my life.

And no matter where they and my

baby girl go, I will be the

father of three amazing

father of three amazing

children for the rest of my

life.

Knowing that makes it easier

for me to let go and get down

for me to let go and get down

to the business of living.

♪

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