Original subtitles

Hey, baby girl.

Well, obvi, no.

Well, obvi, no.

Yeah, because I would never

do that.

Wait, shut up.

Wait, shut up.

She's been on that thing

all night.

All night?

Bill's gonna be sky high.

Unfortunately we've got

Unfortunately we've got

unlimited minutes.

Yeah, you think so 'til you

reach my age.

Hey, did I miss the Skype

Hey, did I miss the Skype

with your mom?

Yup. An hour ago.

It was more convenient for

It was more convenient for

everybody's schedule.

It's all right, I'll call her

later.

Mm, somethin' smells delicious.

Yes.

Grilled steak with garlic

Grilled steak with garlic

mashed potatoes and peach

cobbler tart.

Sounds awfully high in

saturated fats.

It certainly does.

It certainly does.

Where's mine?

Oh.

Aw, no, your instructions were,

"feed the kids."

"Feed the kids."

Yeah, well, I'm your kid.

Then this must be for you.

Then this must be for you.

Can't believe you fell for

that one.

Hey, thank you very much.

[Laughs] Hey, dad.

[Laughs] Hey, dad.

How about whippin' up some of

your famous ricotta blueberry

pancakes in the morning?

And you promised us mardis

And you promised us mardis

gras week.

I want shrimp creole for lunch.

And jambalaya for dinner.

Hey, no, wait a minute.

Hey, no, wait a minute.

Is that all I am to you?

"Top chef"?

Others: Yup.

Okay. I don't believe you.

Okay. I don't believe you.

Fine, you can put it on your

profile.

And don't change it now because

I can tell.

Uh, do you really wanna try me?

Uh, do you really wanna try me?

Who's she talking to?

Robert Jennings III.

Well, tell Robert Jennings

Well, tell Robert Jennings

the third, second and first

that we do not talk on the phone

during dinner.

Shh! Shh!

Shh! Shh!

Did she just shush me?

Yup. Twice.

Yup. Twice.

She already had dinner.

Ate in her bedroom.

No, families are supposed to

eat dinner together.

Mealtime is where we share

mealtime is where we share

the details of our day.

For that, you can just follow

me on Twitter.

In other words, things are

In other words, things are

different nowadays.

Families eat when they can.

Hey, hey, hey.

Where are you goin'?

Isn't it your turn to do

isn't it your turn to do

the dishes?

I...I...I...I did the dishes.

Mine.

You're supposed to do all

the dishes, Keenan.

The dishes, Keenan.

But grandpop said he'll

do 'em.

[Laughs] Uh, son, how about

some ice cream with your cobbler

tart?

Tart?

Churned it myself.

Keenan, if I set a rule,

Keenan, if I set a rule,

that rule is to be followed.

That means you do what you're

supposed to do when you're

supposed to do it.

Supposed to do it.

Well, if...If you're not here

to tell me to do it when you

want me to do it, I can't really

do it when you want me to do

it 'cause I won't know when

that is.

That is.

Well, what you're supposed to

do is what I told you to do.

That means the "when" is now,

the "it" is the dishes,

the "it" is the dishes,

or the "you" is grounded.

Yeah, and that's what he said

to her and then she said

something else to somebody else,

and then I was looking at them

and then I was looking at them

all like--

Hey. Excuse me.

Hello. Goodbye.

Dad!

Shh!

Shh!

Oh come o--

Shh!

♪ good thing we've got ♪

♪ one another ♪

♪ one another ♪

♪ read between the lines ♪

♪ stuck between a rock ♪

♪ and a hard place ♪

♪ could be a hard place to be ♪

♪ if I didn't have ♪

♪ if I didn't have ♪

♪ my village holdin' me ♪

♪ my father, son ♪

♪ two daughters ♪

♪ and two best friends ♪

♪ surroundin' me with ♪

♪ the strength of 10,000 men ♪

♪ the strength of 10,000 men ♪

♪ ha-ha, yeah, I got this ♪

[Laughing]

Simone: Where are you goin'?

Aw!

Male announcer: Missed by

Carmelo Anthony.

Man, why are we Knicks fans?

Man, why are we Knicks fans?

Why?

Same reason Rita married you.

Proximity and lack of options.

[Laughing]

[Laughing]

That's the best you got?

If I didn't make more money

than you, that woulda hurt

my feelings.

Those hot wings ready, pop?

Those hot wings ready, pop?

Let me see.

Although I'm pretty sure you're

Simone: Mm-hmm.

I wouldn't do that.

Monroe: Yeah?

I'm gonna take some home.

So, hey, how's everything

Simone, between my course

Simone, between my course

load and being department

chair--

Simone: Uh-huh.

--It's hard work.

You know, you educated folks

kill me with your hard work.

Kill me with your hard work.

Here we go.

You try runnin' down a rat in

New York summer with coveralls

on and steel-toe boots and you

on and steel-toe boots and you

talk to me about hard work.

Simone: Right.

What are you talkin' about?

You sit in the office

and shuffle papers all day.

And shuffle papers all day.

I'm not talkin' about the

successful entrepreneur who sits

before you.

I'm talkin' about the young,

struggling exterminator I used

to be.

To be.

Mm.

Alex: Ah.

You know what?

We don't celebrate your success

enough.

You're right.

Friday night, drinks on you!

Friday night, drinks on you!

Not so fast. No, baby doctor.

I have a one-drink minimum.

Mine.

Mine.

I can't go anyway.

The Dean is hosting this

reception for the president.

I'm dreading it.

I'm dreading it.

Then don't go.

Brown-nosing for the budget.

I gotta be there if I'm gonna

Ah, question for the scholar.

Ah, question for the scholar.

What?

If nyu was so great, why'd

you leave?

Oh, I got this one, okay?

New Rochelle u. Is only five

new Rochelle u. Is only five

minutes away, and for reasons

I will never understand,

he wanted to work closer to his

children.

Children.

I thank you, Simone, I think.

Ignoring that irritating

buzzing sound in my ear, I'd say

I'm a mingler by nature.

I'm a mingler by nature.

Hello. How are you?

Yes, how you doin'?

Good to see you.

I studied abroad.

[Laughs]

We'll go with you.

We'll go with you.

We?

Hey, you know what?

I mean, this is normally

something Carla would go

something Carla would go

to with me, but you guys going,

that would be kinda fun.

Look, I might have a date

that night.

That night.

Both: She'll be there.

Yeah, you'll be there.

Sushi's my favorite,

Sushi's my favorite,

thank you.

Mm-mm. Mm.

One of my guys got a parasite

eatin' raw fish.

Ate his stomach from

ate his stomach from

the inside out.

But, enjoy.

Reed, good to see you.

Hey, thank you for

the invite.

The invite.

Absolutely.

Dean Caldwell, these are my

friends, Dr. Simone winters...

Caldwell: Hello.

It's nice to meet you.

And Julius Darren.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Listen, when he gets a moment,

I want to introduce you to

president Nelson over there.

Well, he looks pretty busy.

Well, he looks pretty busy.

I might have to take a number.

I hope the department funds

don't run out.

[Laughing] Well that joke

[laughing] Well that joke

woulda killed at nyu.

Mm.

Oh, I apologize for the last

minute location change.

Minute location change.

But the east wing renovations

on my home are running a bit

behind.

Did you say the east wing, as

in your house has more than one?

Well, the estate in

Well, the estate in

new Rochelle does.

It's been in my family for three

generations.

Excluding the time my father's

excluding the time my father's

mistress took possession,

of course.

A pleasant woman, although she

was a bit hard on the eyes.

Ouch.

Ouch.

But when my mother was

released from the sanitarium,

she kicked her homely ass out.

Well, that is proof that

Well, that is proof that

a little rest in the country

always makes us stronger, yes?

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, the good old days.

What?

Anyway, I actually prefer

my home in the Hamptons, though

my home in the Hamptons, though

I don't spend much time there

anymore.

Now which home does your wife

prefer?

I'm a widower.

I'm a widower.

Oh, I'm so sorry to

hear that.

Thank you.

Simone: Mm.

Yeah, sorry she didn't meet

him at the funeral.

Him at the funeral.

Right.

Dr. Winters, I've set aside

a bottle of '78 montrachet from

my private collection.

Would you like to join me for

a glass?

'78, the year I was born.

'78, the year I was born.

Oh.

[Coughing] Allegedly.

Well, that was a good year,

wasn't it?

Wasn't it?

Oh, yes it was.

Shall we?

Woo.

Look, I'm gonna call to check on

the kids.

The kids.

I'll be back in a second.

Sure.

Hey, my man.

Make all these business cards

disappear, 10 percent discount

disappear, 10 percent discount

on all your pest control needs.

Come on, now.

Keenan and I are about to

Keenan and I are about to

watch a movie, kaci's in

her bedroom with a boy,

grandpa's been in the bathroom

for 35 minutes...

For 35 minutes...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back up.

Kaci is where with a what?

She's in her bedroom with

Robert Jennings III.

Robert Jennings III.

And what are they doing in

her bedroom?

I don't know.

The door's closed.

[Dial tone]

[Dial tone]

Hello?

Guys, I gotta go home

real quick.

Kaci has a boy in her bedroom.

Kaci has a boy in her bedroom.

Go, kaci.

What?

I mean you better go home

and check on kaci.

You enjoyed the montrachet so

You enjoyed the montrachet so

much I thought you'd like to try

the diamond shiraz.

Oh, my gosh.

I would love to.

Except that the diamond shiraz

just happens to be Alex's

just happens to be Alex's

favorite.

Oh, perfect. Reed, Reed.

I'm glad I caught you anyway.

Now's a good time to slide over

and meet president Nelson.

And meet president Nelson.

Now?

I'd love to, but right now I've

got to go to the restroom.

I'll be right back.

Restroom?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

He was cursed with a weak

bladder.

Ah.

Who left a skateboard

in the middle of the floor?

In the middle of the floor?

Daddy, daddy, save me!

Save you from what, sweetie?

Nothing, dad.

Nothing?

We're watching "little red

We're watching "little red

riding hood."

She's buggin' over a couple

of graphic stabbings.

The big bad wolf killed his

own daughter.

Own daughter.

It wasn't intentional.

He found out he wasn't her real

father and got upset.

I blame the mom.

I blame the mom.

Turn it off. Now, Keenan.

I'll be back, sweetie.

[Hip hop music playing]

[Hip hop music playing]

Kaci: Wait, one more time.

Okay, turn--okay, yes.

Go faster, faster.

Yes.

Okay, now we got it.

Wha--dad.

Wha--dad.

Dad, what are you doing?

Dad, stop!

If you've laid one finger

on my daughter, I'm gonna

make sure there's not

a Robert Jennings iv.

What?

Oh, my god, dad.

All we were doing was playing

all we were doing was playing

"just dance."

With the door closed?

Who dances with the door closed?

And where are the rest of your

shorts?

Shorts?

Come on, grandpa said it

was okay.

Sir, I can't breathe.

Good.

Son. Son. Let him go.

Son. Son. Let him go.

Let him go.

I'm not spendin' my 401k to get

you a good lawyer.

[Music stops]

[Music stops]

Dad, boys are not allowed in

Dad, boys are not allowed in

my daughter's bedroom.

Alexis is not allowed to watch

scary movies.

You know the rules.

You know the rules.

You got so many I can't

keep track.

Dad, I cannot believe you

just embarrassed me like that.

Just embarrassed me like that.

We're just friends.

Well, new rule.

Your bedroom is now off limits

to "just friends" who happen to

pee standing up.

Pee standing up.

I am so outta here.

Good.

I was just about to say you can

excuse yourself, young lady.

Excuse yourself, young lady.

Glad you got her straight.

Glad you got her straight.

I leave the house for five

minutes and you all lose

your minds.

Oh, I don't see why the girl

can't have a little company.

Can't have a little company.

I trust kaci, dad.

I don't trust boys.

Listen, if you don't let kids

do what they want to do at home,

do what they want to do at home,

where they can be supervised,

they're gonna do it

somewhere else.

Somewhere else.

Need I remind you of the donkey

Kong tattoo incident of '88?

Had blisters on your head for

had blisters on your head for

six months.

[Laughs] Dad, please don't

remind me.

[Laughing]

All right.

Look, I got to go back to this

look, I got to go back to this

function.

Hopefully, I still have a job.

But, dad, bottom line is these

are my kids.

That means my rules.

That means my rules.

All right.

All right.

Kaci: I can't wait 'til

I'm 18!

Yeah, well hurry up.

Yeah, well hurry up.

Both: [Laughing]

Both: [Laughing]

Hey. Hi.

What's goin' on?

Oh, just choppin' it up with

the Prez.

We were just sayin' there are

two things you can be sure of in

two things you can be sure of in

this life--taxes and termites.

[Laughing] Hey, Prez, I want

[Laughing] Hey, Prez, I want

you to meet my good friend,

professor Alex Reed.

He's the head of your

English department.

Oh, professor Reed,

I've heard so much about you.

I've heard so much about you.

Hey, oh, right.

Really?

Well, what...What exactly have

you heard?

Well, I heard you're having

trouble with your daughter.

Well, she's just really going

Well, she's just really going

through a little--

Trust me. I get it.

I've got a 14-year-old at home

who's grounded for the rest of

her life.

Her life.

Prez, you have a 14-year-old?

Yes. And a five-year-old.

Hey, president Nelson--

Well, gentlemen, if you'll

Well, gentlemen, if you'll

excuse me, I've promised

Dean Michaels a moment.

This man can talk fossils until

you turn into one.

Have a good night.

Have a good night.

Good to meet you.

That's a cool dude right

there.

I can't believe you discussed

my personal business with

my personal business with

president Nelson.

At least I didn't tell him

Carla left you.

She did not leave me.

You're so funny.

You're so funny.

There's something I don't

hear that often.

Oh, my goodness.

Alex, this party is great.

Yes.

It's a great party, Dean.

You outta do it again sometime.

Indeed.

Isn't she delightful?

No, you are.

Oh, no, you are.

No, you, you, you.

No, you, you, you.

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

She is such the charmer.

All: [Laughing]

All: [Laughing]

Thank you for the invite,

Dean, but, uh, we, we better

get going.

Oh, we're going?

Yes, we're going.

So soon?

So soon?

[Mouthing words]

Call me.

Hey, you got a pen

and a napkin?

I ran out of business cards.

I ran out of business cards.

No, it's time to go.

Why? I'm havin' a ball.

Shouldn't you spend more time

with the Prez?

I don't think it matters now.

Between your loose lips and you

tryin' to get your groove back

with my boss.

With my boss.

I never lost my groove.

Wait a minute now.

Alex, I came here for you.

Alex, I came here for you.

Now I can't remember the last

time I wasted so much good

flirting on someone I had no

interest in.

Interest in.

Okay.

Right?

I don't believe in

the no-interest part.

But she's right about one thing.

We're here to support you, man.

We're here to support you, man.

Not be insulted by somebody

I thought was my boy.

You don't do your friends

like that.

Like that.

I'm out.

I coulda been out on a date.

I coulda been out on a date.

Well, I could've.

Hm.

[Video game playing]

[Cars screeching]

[Cars screeching]

Hey, dad.

Hey, son.

Hi, daddy.

Hey, baby, it's late.

What are you doin' up?

What are you doin' up?

I tried to go to sleep,

but the big bad wolf kept

tryin' to get me.

I...I...I told her it was

a computer-generated wolf.

A computer-generated wolf.

Kids today.

Hey, how about takin' some

responsibility, huh?

Well, how was I supposed to

Well, how was I supposed to

know "little red riding hood"

would scare her?

The movie's rated pg-13.

It's a fairy tale.

It's a fairy tale.

Yeah, well, I just wrote

a fairy tale.

About a young boy who has to

sleep in his sister's room every

single night until she's no

single night until she's no

longer scared.

Here you go.

Yay, a slumber party.

Yay, a slumber party.

Well, thanks a lot, dad.

Now Robert doesn't wanna hang

now Robert doesn't wanna hang

out with me.

Oh, good.

That means my job's done.

It's not funny.

It's not funny.

He can still feel your arms

around his neck.

Well, at least you're not

pregnant.

[Cell phone rings]

Alex Reed.

Alex Reed.

Reed.

President Nelson was really

impressed with what you're doing

with your department.

Glad to hear it, Dean.

Glad to hear it, Dean.

And he wants to make sure

that you have all the funds

you need.

Well, that's fantastic.

Well, that's fantastic.

You know, you might

want to consider hiring

Mr. Darren as your PR rep.

Julius?

Evidently he spoke highly

and convincingly of your

capabilities.

I had no idea you started

the midnight tutoring sessions

for our student insomniacs.

For our student insomniacs.

Well, you know I don't like

to toot my own horn.

Well, you better get better

Well, you better get better

at it.

Luckily Mr. Darren was there

to do it for you.

That's a good friend.

That's a good friend.

Yeah, you're right, Dean.

He is a good friend.

By the way, do you happen to

have Dr. Winter's phone number?

No. Not on me.

Hey, thanks for the call, Dean.

Hey, thanks for the call, Dean.

That was just a waste of

our time.

Our time.

Seriously.

I coulda been on a real date.

Hey. Hey, guys.

What do you want?

Were you afraid I dragged your

were you afraid I dragged your

Dean down here after I took him

to a hotel, tied him to the bed,

and made him call me "mommy"?

And made him call me "mommy"?

You know what hurts

the most, man?

Here I am tryin' to be your

village, and you treat me

like the village idiot.

Like the village idiot.

I guess I should apologize for

bein' a self-made millionaire

that doesn't have a college

degree.

Degree.

No, Julius, i--

Well, at least he doesn't

think that you would sleep with

his boss just because you're 38,

single, and peri-menopausal.

Single, and peri-menopausal.

Let me make something clear to

you, okay?

I am a flirt.

I am a flirt.

I'm not desperate, okay?

And tonight I used my expert

skills to impress upon

your Dean how amazing you are.

Your Dean how amazing you are.

Wow.

Wow.

You really think I'm amazing?

Not anymore.

No, but I am open to accepting

no, but I am open to accepting

an apology if it's accompanied

by two fifth row tickets to see

by two fifth row tickets to see

"spiderman," the musical.

Oh, those tickets are

Oh, those tickets are

kinda steep.

Of course, not for you.

Okay.

Okay.

We cool then.

All right.

Julius, my man.

What can I do for you?

What can I do for you?

You know, man, maybe we've

all changed too much to even

continue this friendship.

What are you talkin' about?

No. No.

I'm votin' myself off

the island.

Leavin' the village.

Extinguishin' my own torch.

Oh!

Hey, pop.

Hey, pop.

Yeah?

Where's Keenan?

I sent him to bed.

He was exhausted.

And you don't have to whisper--

and you don't have to whisper--

she's dead to the world.

I told Keenan he had to sleep

in Alexis' room until she got

in Alexis' room until she got

over the wolf thing.

Yeah, and you told Alexis

no more scary movies, you told

kaci no boys in the bedroom,

kaci no boys in the bedroom,

and remember you told me

to invest in ask jeeves.

You know what that means?

You know what that means?

You should've invested in

Google?

Son, it means you're good at

tellin' everybody how to do

things your way.

God forbid your rules are

god forbid your rules are

broken.

You're just not good at dealin'

with things, unless they're done

your way.

Because in my house, my way

has always been the best way.

Has always been the best way.

Son, don't know if you

noticed, but things have changed

around here.

We're all learning and we're all

trying.

And if you want things to work,

you need to get flexible, quick.

No, what we need is some

stability around here.

The kind you had before Carla

The kind you had before Carla

went out west?

Yeah.

[Sighing]

I don't know what happened, man.

I'm just feelin' lost.

I'm just feelin' lost.

If I'm honest with myself,

here's my problem, all right?

Here's my problem, all right?

Carla went out west and she got

her dream job.

I'm still not happy about it.

I'm still not happy about it.

Why'd you agree to it?

What do you think would've

happened to my marriage

happened to my marriage

if I'd said no?

What's happening to it now?

You got a point.

You're taking care of my kids

and my friends are taking care

of me.

Of me.

Bet you never thought you'd have

to raise me all over again, huh?

To raise me all over again, huh?

Well, at least you're potty

trained this time.

Both: [Laughing]

Both: [Laughing]

I'm happy to be here for you.

That means a lot, dad.

Well, your mom's here for

Well, your mom's here for

you, too.

Well, as soon as she gets back

from Equatorial Guinea.

From Equatorial Guinea.

And before she leaves for nome,

Nebraska.

Alaska.

That's what I said.

I know.

I know.

Hey, could you do me a favor?

No.

You mind calling Julius

and inviting him for dinner

and inviting him for dinner

tomorrow?

I would do it myself,

but I think he'll just threaten

to extinguish my torch.

Uh-oh, sounds like you messed

Uh-oh, sounds like you messed

up bad.

Yup.

And you might want to throw in

a pecan pie, too.

A pecan pie, too.

I thought sweet potato was

his favorite?

Oh, it is.

The pecan pie's for me.

All of it.

All of it.

Both: [Laughing]

Goodnight.

All right, goodnight.

Alex [thinking]:

Every village has an idiot.

And maybe, just maybe that's

and maybe, just maybe that's

been me lately.

Sometimes you have to accept

sometimes you have to accept

help how it comes, instead of

having rules about what it has

to look like.

To look like.

My point?

When your life's in turmoil,

let go of the rules.

Let go of the rules.

I just talked to Robert.

He's suing you for emotional

distress.

Alex: Or start making

new rules.

Big, harsh, nearly

big, harsh, nearly

unenforceable ones.

That little outburst just got

you grounded 'til you're 35,

you grounded 'til you're 35,

young lady!

♪

♪

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