Original subtitles

Hey, baby.

Oh.

Is that a sexy English professor

is that a sexy English professor

I see cooking in my kitchen?

Actually, doctor Reed is away

shrimp fishing.

Shrimp fishing.

I am chauncey, your personal

chef.

Oh, I forgot it was

oh, I forgot it was

role-playing night, but, okay.

[Clears throat]

Uh, I hope...

Uh, I hope...

I hope I can handle what it is

I hope I can handle what it is

you're serving me.

First of all, baby,

we're having honey-glazed

we're having honey-glazed

chicken...

Ooh, chicken.

On a bed...

A bed!

Of saffron rice.

Of saffron rice.

A bed!

Mm.

A bed, you say!

We need to move.

We need to move.

Mom, you can treat crazy people

anywhere.

Uh, hello.

What about my job?

You teach online.

You teach online.

Hello.

World wide web?

Well, kaci, why do we need to

well, kaci, why do we need to

move this time?

'Sup, good people?

Because of him.

Because of him.

Keenan, what did you do to

your sister?

He ruined my life.

He told the new boy at school

that he was older than me.

That he was older than me.

I didn't say that.

See, what I said was,

technically, I'm older.

By five minutes.

You know what five minutes

is?

Is?

First place,

last place.

You're just mad because you like

him.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, shut up.

Because kaci would never like a

boy.

I mean, come on.

They're sweaty and smelly

and so much like you.

Right?

No.

He's nothing like him.

He's nothing like him.

He's not?

Dillon has a dimple,

and he smells like cotton candy.

I love cotton candy.

I love cotton candy.

You're using reverse

psychology on me like I'm one of

your patients.

You got me.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, sweetie, but it's

okay.

I mean, if you're too

embarrassed to talk about him,

then it's fine.

Then it's fine.

No, I'm not too embarrassed

to talk about him.

You're not?

I think he's...

You're doing it again!

You're doing it again!

Mom!

[Laughs]

I thought you had her.

Yeah, me too.

Mom?

Mom?

Yes.

You left your keys in the

door again.

Oh, shoot.

Thanks, Alexis.

Oh.

You drive a hard bargain, little

you drive a hard bargain, little

lady.

All right.

What is it, a dollar?

There.

There.

This is paying off better

than the swear jar.

Gimme my keys.

[Funky r&B music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Morning, miss Helen.

I'll see you later, boo.

I'll see you later, boo.

Good morning, Dr. Reed.

Good morning, miss Helen.

So what's on the agenda for

today?

Today?

Well, I just set up a blind

date with a gentleman I met on

the subway.

The subway.

Ooh.

We were just skyping.

[Laughs]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

If you were just skyping, then

if you were just skyping, then

how can it be a blind date?

He can't see.

So, miss Helen, what's on my

agenda for today?

Agenda for today?

It always has to be about

you, doesn't it?

You, doesn't it?

Haz lo que tu quieras, okay?

Hi, Gabriella.

Hi, Gabriella.

Hey, girl.

Hey, wh--whoa.

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

What's wrong?

Ugh, Johnny and I have been

arguing all morning.

Arguing all morning.

He wants to have lunch with his

ex, and I told him no.

Wait, what's the big deal?

Carla, no man should be

Carla, no man should be

friends with his ex.

She had her chance, and if she

couldn't seal the deal, then

that's her problem.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I think--wait a minute.

I think you're overreacting.

I mean, it's just lunch.

Yeah, that's how it all

starts.

Next thing you know, they're

laughing and reminiscing about

laughing and reminiscing about

old times.

Then they start wondering why

they broke up in the first

place.

Pretty soon, they're on a

Caribbean cruise, and i'm

Caribbean cruise, and i'm

explaining to a judge how his

house accidentally burned down.

Oh, no.

He's definitely not worth that.

He's definitely not worth that.

You're better than it.

You're right.

I should have someone else torch

the house.

No, no. No, no.

I don't think anything should

I don't think anything should

burn, okay?

All I'm saying is that you're

smart and attractive and

stylish--

stylish--

and needy and temperamental

and a witch doctor.

And a witch doctor.

I am not a witch doctor,

miss Helen.

Acupuncture is a medical

discipline.

For a voodoo doll.

For a voodoo doll.

Yeah, miss Helen--miss Helen.

Miss Helen, just because you

don't understand something

doesn't make it less valid,

doesn't make it less valid,

right?

There's a lot of people that

don't understand the benefits of

therapy, and they suffer in

silence without getting the help

silence without getting the help

that they need.

Once again, we're back to

you.

Okay, I'm gonna be in my

okay, I'm gonna be in my

office, and I will talk to you

later, Gabby.

Miss Helen, see you later.

[Sighs]

[Knocking]

Come in.

Come in.

Hi.

I have a 10:00 appointment.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Is my receptionist out there?

Yeah, but she just told me to

show myself in.

Something about healing

beginning with baby steps.

Beginning with baby steps.

Oh, god.

Okay, I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

Please, have a seat.

Okay.

Just here.

Yes.

Okay.

Thank you.

I'll sit here.

Oh, I went ahead and I

oh, I went ahead and I

downloaded the intake form when

I made the appointment.

Oh, great.

Here you go.

Great.

So Dominique edmonds.

So Dominique edmonds.

Here!

I see you left your reason

for coming in today blank.

For coming in today blank.

No offense, but I don't know

you like that.

Right.

Okay.

Um, Dominique, I understand your

um, Dominique, I understand your

hesitation, but let me assure

you that everything you say here

you that everything you say here

is confidential.

I'm bound by the ethics of my

profession and the laws of the

state of New York.

State of New York.

Okay.

I like sex too much.

I like sex too much.

Can you explain?

That's not self-explanatory?

Yes.

Yes.

I guess it is.

Um, okay, so why do you think

you are always in the mood?

You are always in the mood?

Well, isn't that where you

come in?

Come in?

No, I'm actually here more to

guide and counsel you, um,

guide and counsel you, um,

so that I can help you find

solutions to your problems.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, then maybe you should call

yourself a guidance counselor

and not a psychologist.

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

What are you writing?

I'm just taking some notes.

Mm-mm.

No paper trail.

Um, okay.

No notes.

No notes.

Look, Dr. Reed, please,

please just fix me, you know?

Just give me a pill or a patch

just give me a pill or a patch

or something like that.

It's not that easy.

It's not that easy.

Sex addiction takes a long time

to overcome.

Addiction?

No.

Who said anything about being

addicted?

Okay.

Okay.

Has your lifestyle negatively

affected your family?

Affected your family?

Friendships?

Career?

No.

No.

Well, maybe a couple of

friendships.

Friendships.

But never my fam--ily...

But never my fam--ily...

But never my career.

Ooh...

Ooh...

I did have to leave Boston.

You're good.

That's why I don't call

that's why I don't call

myself a guidance counselor.

[Laughter]

Hey, babe.

Hey.

Hang on one second.

One second.

One second.

[Sighs]

[Cell phone chirps]

[Cell phone chirps]

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Mm.

Honey.

Honey.

Yes.

Mr. English professor.

Mm-hmm.

I don't think that's how you

spell that.

Spell that.

Oh, I'm texting.

I don't have to spell it right

as long as you're gonna do it

right.

Right.

Oh, i'ma do it right.

[Door slams]

You're gonna do...

Come over here and explain to me

how you plan to do it.

Lemme tell you.

Okay.

Okay.

We really need to move.

Why now?

Why now?

He's here.

Who's here?

You never listen to me!

What?

You--

you--

you were whispering.

What was all that?

That woman was yelling at

you.

You.

What's happening, fam?

This is Dillon.

Dillon, this is my mom.

Hello.

Hi, Dr. Reed.

Hi, Dr. Reed.

Hello, Dillon.

So you're Dillon.

Yeah.

Dillon.

[Giggles]

[Giggles]

[Whispers] He does.

He smells like cotton candy.

And this is my dad.

Oh, I thought you said he was

your stepdad.

Your stepdad.

Oh, i--i--

I didn't say that.

What I said was technically,

he's me and kaci's stepdad.

He's me and kaci's stepdad.

See, our real dad lives in L.A.,

so we have a west coast dad and

a east coast dad.

A east coast dad.

Oh.

Do you two have any beef?

He's a little too familiar

he's a little too familiar

with us, isn't he?

That's an understatement,

honey.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Don't hurt 'em.

So, uh, Keenan tells me

you're a stay-at-home dad.

You're a stay-at-home dad.

I didn't say that.

What I said was technically,

he's a English professor at nyu

he's a English professor at nyu

who works from home.

Uh, key word: Home.

Watch yourself, Dillon.

Watch yourself, Dillon.

You're about this close to not

staying for dinner.

Thanks for the grub,

professor Reed.

That spinach salad was

delicious.

It was like there's a party in

it was like there's a party in

my mouth, and you're the dj.

[Guffaws]

You so funny, Dillon.

You got some spinach in your

you got some spinach in your

teeth.

[Mutters]

Why, thank you, Dillon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mother, may I, um,

may I be excused?

Yes.

Yeah? Okay.

Please.

Please.

Thank you.

Why does god hate me?

Why does god hate me?

Okay, so which one of you is

chaperoning our field trip to

the met tomorrow?

Your mom.

Oh, your dad.

No, come on.

I took Alexis to the zoo,

remember, on the last field

trip, and that goat ate my

trip, and that goat ate my

pashmina.

[Snorts]

And mommy cried.

Yeah, because it was a very

bad day for mommy, sweetie.

Bad day for mommy, sweetie.

Yeah, but, babe, I have

papers to grade, so if I do it,

you're gonna have to take Alexis

to go see yo gabba gabba next

to go see yo gabba gabba next

weekend.

[Doorbell rings]

Take that, take that, take that.

You do not play fair.

I'ma go get the door.

We're gonna go to

we're gonna go to

yo gabba gabba.

Oh.

Oh.

Dr. Reed.

Miss edmonds.

What are you doing here?

Well, this is my home.

What--what are you doing here?

Hey, mom.

Hi.

Oh, well that puts two and

two together.

That explains it.

That explains it.

Dillon, grab your things.

We have to go.

Oh.

Oh, hey, Dillon, while we're

upstairs, I'll show you a

picture of kaci getting potty

picture of kaci getting potty

trained.

I can't stand you!

Hey.

I'm Alex.

Oh, Dominique.

Oh, Dominique.

Are these your keys?

Oh, yes, thank you.

So, Dominique, are you new to

so, Dominique, are you new to

new Rochelle or just to

St. augustine's?

Both.

We moved here a few months ago.

We moved here a few months ago.

I had to relocate for work.

Oh, cool.

Well, how you like it so far?

Oh, it's nice.

Just a lot of volunteering.

Just a lot of volunteering.

[Chuckles]

I have to chaperone the

kids' field trip to the museum

tomorrow and make cupcakes for

the bake sale.

The bake sale.

Ah, they hit us with the

double whammy too.

I'm chaperoning tomorrow, and

I'm making my famous Alex

apple turnovers.

Apple turnovers.

But get this: I don't turn 'em

over.

[Laughter]

Oh, parking in Manhattan can

oh, parking in Manhattan can

be very expensive.

Do you want to car pool?

Oh, no, he's actually--

it's not funny.

He loves the train, and he just

he loves the train, and he just

got that new Metro card, so it's

like, whoo-whoo!

Swipe it in.

It's crazy.

So then I guess I'll just see

you there.

You there.

Okay.

Dillon!

Dillon, come on down, honey.

A'ight, well, I'll see you

tomorrow, Keenan.

Oh, yeah. You know it.

Oh, yeah. You know it.

Bye.

See you later.

Bye.

Babe.

You know what?

You have all those papers to

you have all those papers to

grade, so--and there's not gonna

be any goat at the museum, so

you know what?

I'm gonna take the kids.

It's fine.

It's fine.

You sure you don't mind?

No, I'm feeling kind of

chaperone-y.

Chaperone-y?

Chaperone-y?

Chaperone-ish.

Chaperone-ish feeling.

Chaperone-ish feeling.

Yeah.

So what does this one look

so what does this one look

like to you?

Like two penguins drowning.

[Gasps]

[Gasps]

Oh, my god, it does.

You're so smart.

I know.

I know.

[Giggles]

When did that happen?

I don't know, but I got to

I don't know, but I got to

choose better friends.

Dr. Reed!

Oh, hello.

Hi.

I thought Alex was chaperoning.

Oh, well, you know, I haven't

oh, well, you know, I haven't

taken the kids on a field trip

in a while, and I just, you

know, I love art, and I love my

family, and I love my husband.

Family, and I love my husband.

I really--i really, really,

really love my husband.

He's just so involved, so that's

he's just so involved, so that's

why I'm here.

So I guess I should be on my

best behavior since you're

here, huh?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Dominique, I'm not gonna spy on

you and bring it up in our next

session.

I mean, it's your life.

I mean, it's your life.

Not mine.

I'm not here to judge you.

You're okay, doc.

Oh, hey.

Hey, there you are.

Hey, what are you doing?

Listen, you were in such a

rush this morning, you forgot

the kids' lunches.

Oh, my god.

Thank you, sweetie.

Mm. You got it. You got it.

Thank you.

Ooh, I can see that

ooh, I can see that

lady's privacies!

Oh, sweetie, no.

That's a--it's just a painting.

Wow, look at that.

Wow, look at that.

Hey!

Oh!

Alex, hi!

Hey, hey.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

So sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

The kids forgot their

lunches, so i'm--

he's showing his privacies

too!

Oh, Alexis, sweetie!

Oh, Alexis, sweetie!

Sweetie, hang on, honey.

Hang on. Hang on.

Mom!

Keenan told Dillon I'm lactose

intolerant.

I'm just tryin' to warn a

brother.

Okay, you make me sick.

Just like ice cream.

Oh!

Keep your voi--

lower your voices.

Lower your voices.

[Giggling]

Watch your sister.

Okay...

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Hey.

So you're still here.

What are you doing?

Yeah, I'm still here.

Oh, my god.

Well, since you're so cute, you

don't need to be here anymore.

Don't need to be here anymore.

I got this. I got this.

Okay.

Thank you for coming.

And you brought the lunches.

Thought of everything.

Yeah, yeah, but--

no, but I'm gonna call you

no, but I'm gonna call you

after lunch.

And there.

Do you feel relaxed?

With all these needles in my

face?

No.

Carla.

What?

I think you're being too hard

I think you're being too hard

on yourself.

So what, you got between Alex

and that woman.

It was just such an immature

move.

But you--

look.

I know you think that woman is

kind of competition for you,

but she's not.

But she's not.

Miss Helen?

Yes?

Were you eavesdropping?

No.

"Bougie" people eavesdrop;

I was straight-up bein' nosey.

I was straight-up bein' nosey.

Now listen.

Women like that are fantasies.

Women like that are fantasies.

You are a reality,

and your husband knows that.

So don't worry yourself about

her.

Her.

Thank you, miss Helen.

You're welcome.

Now back to your voodoo.

Okay, gracias, vieja bruja.

Okay, gracias, vieja bruja.

What did you call me?

I called you a wise woman.

Thank you, darling.

Thank you, darling.

Okay.

I called her an old witch.

I called her an old witch.

[Grunts]

Well, whatcha doin', sexy?

Well, whatcha doin', sexy?

Gradin' papers.

Oh.

Professor, what can I do for

extra credit?

Extra credit?

Ooh...

Huh?

Ooh.

Oh, professor...

I seem to have lost my homework.

I seem to have lost my homework.

Perhaps you'll have to keep me

after class

to teach me a lesson.

To teach me a lesson.

Ooh...

Are you wearing heels to bed?

Are you wearing heels to bed?

I am.

Do you like 'em?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Ow!

Oh, god! Oh, god!

Oh, god! Oh, god!

Um, are you okay?

Are you okay?

Think I'm bleeding.

What's going on?

What's going on?

Eh, I was...

I was just trying to give you a

I was just trying to give you a

fantasy.

I want to be sexy for you, Alex.

I want to be sexy for you, Alex.

Oh, Carla.

Carla, I appreciate the effort.

Really, really I do.

Really, really I do.

But you don't have to jump

through hoops to be sexy for me.

You already are.

You already are.

Really?

Yes, really.

So it doesn't bother you that

my panties don't always match my

my panties don't always match my

bra?

[Laughs]

If you haven't noticed,

I'm a guy, okay?

If you are in your underwear,

if you are in your underwear,

that train has already left the

station.

Now, does this have anything to

do with Dominique?

Do with Dominique?

Why would you say that?

Because you got all weird

every time you saw us talking

together.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What did you think was gonna

happen?

I don't know.

I mean, you maybe get the

I mean, you maybe get the

seven-year itch or something.

You think I would just take

one look at a woman and--bam--

I would cheat, just like that?

I would cheat, just like that?

Well, can you honestly tell

me that you don't ever look at

other women?

I look at other women all the

time.

You do?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, my god!

Uh-oh.

Carla, look.

It's like when we go out to eat.

Just because I look at the menu

just because I look at the menu

after I've ordered doesn't mean

I don't want what I already

have.

Well...

What if you get a taste for

what if you get a taste for

something else?

Oh, Carla.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

I love you.

And I am not going anywhere.

And I am not going anywhere.

Okay, now, you can drive

yourself crazy thinking of all

these things I might do,

but that's on you, all right?

But that's on you, all right?

That's your issue;

it's not mine.

Look at me.

I'm not your ex.

I'm not your ex.

Okay?

I happen to be very happy with

what I have, and I don't need

what I have, and I don't need

anything else.

So you're saying I don't need

to wear high heels to bed and

dress sexy for you?

Dress sexy for you?

Now, let's not get crazy.

All right?

If you want to dress sexy, I am

not gonna complain.

Not gonna complain.

But, no, it's not a

deal-breaker.

Thank god, because, babe...

Yes?

Thongs hurt my butt.

[Laughs]

Okay.

Okay, I'll make a deal with you.

Yes.

Neither one of us will wear

thongs.

Okay, that is a deal.

Okay, that is a deal.

Don't want to see you in a

thong.

Baby, nobody wants to see me

in a thong.

Well, wait, though.

On second thought--

not gonna happen.

Okay.

Okay.

I had to try.

Look, if thongs hurt your

butt, I am sure they'd hurt

mine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Sighs]

I love you, Dr. Reed.

And I love you, Dr. Reed.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

[Knocking]

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

[Snorts]

Come in.

Hey, Alexis.

What's wrong, sweetie?

I had a scary dream.

I had a scary dream.

Oh?

The hamburger helper hand

came to life and started

tickling me.

I don't like getting tickled.

I don't like getting tickled.

Can I sleep with you?

Oh.

Well--you know, it's prob--

okay.

Mom, Keenan--

mom, Keenan--

wait a minute.

Why does she get to sleep in bed

with you?

I want to sleep with you.

No, no, kaci, you are too big

no, no, kaci, you are too big

to be on this bed with--

wait, kaci's lying.

I did not put that in her bed.

I did not put that in her bed.

I want to sleep with you guys

too.

[Clears throat]

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