Original subtitles

You know, I was really worried

when Benny left, but so far, so good.

We're doing fine without him.

We're actually making record time today.

You know, I gotta say,

Wagon Master Zeke is really doing it for me.

What do you say we put this thing on autopilot

and join the Two Mile Per Hour Club?

Pru, how can you even suggest something like that?

My wife is in the back of this wagon.

But when we get to the next rest stop,

definitely.

What was that?

Great. We've got a flat ox.

Come on, Claire, break time's over.

Oh, surprise, surprise. One day without Benny

and the reverend got us stuck out here.

Just... just give me a minute. Okay? I can handle this.

Claire, what are you doing to me?

You are making me look like an idiot out here. Get up!

Come on, Claire, don't do this to me, I am begging you.

Just one more minute. We'll be ready to go.

Look, I am sorry I got angry with you earlier.

Just, what do you want? I'll give you anything!

Do you want grass? I'll give you so much grass.

You want drugs? You want sexual favours from other cows?

You are making me look like an asshole, Claire!

Come on, get up!

Yeah, we might need Benny.

Yeah, right.

Me spending my life with a bunch of stupid farmers?

Ha! I'm Benny the Teen, god damn it!

I don't need Trig or the Rev, or anybody.

Long as I got you, alcohol.

Oh, no, baby!

Don't do this to me!

This is rock bottom!

Oh, I see.

This is rock bottom.

Hyah!

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

Where am I?

Hyah!

Oh! Ohh...

So this is where my story ends.

Murdered by a bunch of

bloodthirsty monsters from hell.

You know we speak English.

Oh. You do?

Oh, well, in that case,

bloodthirsty monsters from... heaven?

You have trespassed on Blackfoot land.

I am Chief Sleeping Bear

and this is my lead warrior, Sheila.

Sheila, huh?

I didn't expect that. I have an Aunt Sheila.

Aah!

Who are you? And what are you doing on our land?

Hey! Back off, toots.

You don't know who you're messing with here.

I'm Benny the Teen.

Who?

Oh, that makes sense.

You guys are pretty isolated out here.

Well, back in civilisation, I'm kinda infamous

as a dangerous young outlaw prince.

You? Young and dangerous?

Look at you! Clearly you are some sort of elder

for your people.

"Hey, I'm Benny the Teen! Bing bing!

"Oh! Oh, my back!

Oh, my back!"

Okay, come on, guys. Words hurt.

I think I'll spare your life, so you can continue

to entertain us as some sort of human joke.

Gee, thanks.

Sheila will take care of you.

What? Why me?

You found him. He's your responsibility.

Start grinding.

If I have to keep you, you might as well be useful.

I hope you're considering escaping.

I would love to put one of these arrows

in the back of your skull.

Ah, what's the point?

If I'm not Benny the Teen, then who am I?

Just a big stinkin' nobody, that's who.

God, your energy today.

What am I grinding here, anyway?

The skulls of your enemies?

It's corn, for making cornbread.

You guys make bread?

I didn't realise Indians eat human food.

Okay, I'll bite.

What exactly do you think native people are?

Just the usual stuff... That you're the spawn of Satan,

you talk to ghosts and animals,

and you're friends with trees?

Uh, first of all, we are human.

You don't say?

We're actually hundreds of different tribes,

each with its own unique history and culture.

You are blowing my mind here.

Huh. And I'll bet that stuff about you scalping people

is just a dirty lie, too. Uh...

Don't worry about that one.

Hello, everyone!

My name is General Puddin

from the United States Bureau of Indian Affairs.

I come with a generous and exciting offer

for your people... New land!

It's a cozy little spot

about a quarter the size of your current place,

mostly salt flats, but there is a good view

of a swamp,

and the best part is it's just a hop, skip,

and a thousand-mile march away from here.

So? Are you gonna do it or are you gonna do it?

- Or are you gonna do it? - General.

We've already been forced to move several times,

each time to land worse than before.

Right, well, uh...

I promise that that won't...

Sorry.

I can't say that without laughing.

It's not gonna happen again.

It'll be different this time.

Sounds like a crummy deal to me.

We accept.

- What? - All right.

Congrats on your new home.

I'm sure you'll all love it! Okay.

Chief, why'd you take that deal?

If I'd refused, they would've returned with an army.

- There's no other way. - But what if there was?

Hey, why don't I talk to Puddin?

I bet I could convince him to let you guys stay.

Don't you see?

Fate brought me here for a reason.

I lost my identity and you're giving me a new one.

I can save your land and your people

from the outside world.

Like a white saviour?

Hey, I like that. Did you just make that up?

Okay, sure.

- Chief... - What have we got to lose?

Might as well give him a shot.

Hey, is it cool if I did one of those...

Whoa!

No, I just, uh...

We've tried negotiating with men like Puddin before.

It never ends well.

Well, that's because you've never had

Benny the White Saviour on your team.

You do realise that what you're doing is, like,

completely racist, right?

Uh, I think you're confused. I'm helping you.

So I'm actually the opposite of racist.

You know what? Why don't we play the quiet game

- until we get to the fort? - Suit yourself.

Halt!

What is your purpose?

Greetings unto you.

We request parlay with General Puddin.

I don't know why he's talking like that.

You can pass.

But the Injun stays here.

It's okay. I got this.

White saviour! Pew pew!

Ah! You again.

Escaped from those savages on your own, have you?

Actually, I'm here on their behalf

to protect their land.

Now, why would you want to do a silly thing like that?

Because we had them all wrong.

They're people, just like you and me.

They laugh, they sing and dance.

Oh, how they dance.

Actually, I'm just assuming that last part.

I only met them a couple of hours ago.

Look, I appreciate your visit, but unfortunately,

their land is far too valuable for us to give up.

Well, what are we talking about here?

Oil, gold?

Much better.

My friend, we are talking about nothing less

than the future of America.

Behold, the shopping mall.

Ooh. What is it?

Imagine dozens of name-brand stores all under one roof.

Apparel, home d�cor,

an entire store just for containers.

And who can resist...

flavoured soft pretzels? Care for a sample?

Is that sour cream and onion?

It's whatever you want it to be.

Ah, no. I'm sorry,

but that land belongs to the Blackfoot.

They're not moving, and that's final.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

In that case,

we'll just have to eradicate their entire village.

- Wait, what? - Guards!

This can't be happening!

I'm just as upset as you are.

I mean, who could've guessed that the white man

could be so cruel and greedy?

Oh, okay. Every single one of you.

Okay. My bad.

If it's war they want, it's war they will get.

We will fight.

And we will win!

Yeah! Let's kick some army butt!

All right, everyone, hands in the middle!

Blackfoot, on three.

- One... - Yeah, I kinda meant

like, we will fight, and we will win.

Yeah, I'm starting to agree with Sheila on this one.

Perhaps you've done enough helping for the day?

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't hear of it.

You helped me realise how special I really am.

So I am with you until the bitter end,

and that's final.

Don't shoot the arrow, be the arrow!

What the hell? This thing is broken!

Are you sure you don't want any help?

Ah, don't worry about me, bro.

After all, I'm helping you guys.

Remember that.

He's going to get us all killed.

That one's got some zing on it!

We just need to find a way to get him to leave.

But how?

He genuinely thinks he's the chosen one

and we should all be kissing his special butt.

Maybe we can use that to our advantage.

- Aah! - Oh! Sorry, fella.

Uh... For what it's worth,

I did yell "fore."

Right? Back me up on this.

- Benny. - Huh? Oh, excuse me.

I've consulted with the village elders

and we have decided to make you

an honorary member of the tribe.

You really mean it, chief?

Of course! But first, you must undergo

the traditional rite of passage.

Oh, sounds sacred and magical.

What you're gonna want to do

is walk in a straight line

away from the village.

Until I find my spirit animal.

Okay, sure, yeah. We'll go with that, and...

But the main point is

that you just keep walking and walking

and no matter how far you go,

we want you to go just a little bit farther.

Got it.

Oh! Shoot.

If I go now, won't I miss the battle?

We promise we won't start without our white saviour.

Right.

Well, wish me luck.

Good luck.

Bye.

That is the dumbest man I have ever seen.

Told you.

Spirit animal? Oh, spirit animal?

Where the hell is this damn thing?

Oh...

There it is.

My spirit animal.

And it looks so real.

Hey, hey, hey!

Whoa! Whoa! Of course, you're a rattlesnake!

You shed your old skin

to be something even greater than before. Like me.

Ah! Ow!

Oh, the pain!

Okay.

One last chance.

Surrender or die.

And I give you the same option.

Your grave will be the perfect spot

for my shopping mall's dancing fountain.

I hope you like vocal jazz standards

for the rest of eternity!

Hey guys!

What's going on here?

Oh, shit. Hey Benny. Uh...

How'd you get back so soon?

Well, I found my spirit animal.

It was a snake. See?

- Ugh! Definitely infected. - Oh, gross.

Were you about to start the battle without me?

It's starting maybe sometime soonish?

These things never start on time, really.

You said you were gonna wait for me.

Ooh. Awkward.

Look, we just don't want you here.

You are not our white saviour!

You're just an idiot who's made everything worse.

Now get out of here.

- Scat! - Oh...

- Are we doing this? - Okay.

Hey, do you have a second?

Can it wait? I'm a little bit busy.

Actually, it can't, so

Sure, what's up?

I'm confused.

Everything was adding up to me being the white saviour.

You helped me discover my true potential,

and I was going to demonstrate it by being the big hero!

So how come it didn't work out like that?

Because it's not about you, dummy!

All you care about is your personal journey

and we're just the vehicles to help get you there.

I'm glad you're feeling better

about yourself, Benny, I really am,

but this is our story, not yours.

Oh, I never thought of it like that.

Well, I'm listening to you now, okay?

What do you need?

Uh, we could use someone to pick up those loose arrows

and go bring water to the guys.

Is that really the best use of me?

I mean, I'm really more of a front lines kinda guy.

No. You're right, I'm on it.

Oh, excuse me. Whoa! Coming through.

Whoop! Picking up arrows.

Excuse me. Don't mind me.

Picking up arrows here!

Thanks, dude. You rock.

Oh! On your left!

Oh, nice shot, downtown!

All right, get in there! Come on!

Yeah! Kill 'em, boys! Whoo!

My mall. My beautiful, beautiful mall.

Hey, anybody lose a bow?

It's, uh, cedar, maple, maybe?

You.

This is all your fault!

Uh-oh.

Hyah!

You can kill me,

but there will be a shopping mall.

Thousands of them!

Covering the countryside!

And the only Indians you'll see

will be at Halloween pop-up stores!

For slutty, basic bitches to wear to frat parties!

I'm gonna enjoy this.

Huh. So you do scalp people.

Okay, you got me. I love it.

So, where you going next?

Well,

I'm gonna go back to the friends

that I thought I was too good for.

You know what I realised?

I don't need to be Benny the Teen

or Benny the White Saviour.

I can just be Benny, the guy who doesn't need

to have a special thing.

Or, how about just Benny?

Benny. Yeah, short, snappy.

Like Sheila. I like it.

Me, too.

Oof! What do you think you're doing?

Sorry, I just thought this was the part

where we're supposed to kiss.

We started off as enemies from different worlds,

but then we ended up learning from each other

and falling in love. Am I off-base here?

Yes! Way off base.

Okay, so, no kiss. Got it.

- See you, Sheila. - Bye, Benny.

Farewell, my friends!

Perhaps we'll meet again, when

Mother Moon dances with Father Sun

atop the ancestral plane.

All right, man. Peace.

You were right.

We probably should have just killed him.

Thank you!

?? Home, home on the range ??

?? Where the deer and the antelope play ??

?? Where seldom is heard ??

?? A discouraging word ??

?? And the skies are not cloudy all day ??

I'll be taking requests all night.

Personally, I would like a break from Top 40,

but that's just me.

No more need to fear,

'cause Benny's back.

Oh. Hey!

Huh.

Looks like things are going pretty well here, huh?

Uh, yeah, we had a bit of a hiccup early on with one of the oxen,

but we got back on track pretty quick.

Turns out I was saying "ha" instead of "ya."

Ah.

Uh...

Well, if you don't need me to save the day,

I guess I'll, uh, have a seat?

By the way, Rev...

I'm really sorry about leaving.

It's okay. We're just happy to have you back.

Spoons?

Thanks.

This is nice.