Original subtitles

Have it! Smash it, babe! Six. Woo!

Go on. Think of that suit, darl. Shah!

Burn!

Oh! That's right.

Nine, OK.

Ten. Well done. Well done. Ah! Babe. Yeah, darling?

Can I tell you something, but you promise you can't go garrity?

What, is it? Oh, my God, what is happening?

Is it Teddy, baby, is this why you're holding me down?

I'm not holding you down, babe. Feels like you are holding me down right now.

Definitely not holding you down, babe. Listen to me, listen.

I can tell you I'm starting to get proper

Aggro Santos about this wedding, all right, you know, what with Chloe not

being the wedding planner any more. I can see you're getting

your heart palpitations, your tight chest.

Just tell me, just, just tell me quick.

Kay's stepping in as the new wedding planner.

No, she isn't! No way, that is not happening.

No way, no way to Kay, she ain't though, she is not though.

Oh, she is though, Gary,

and do not go to war with me in the middle of The Dave, Gal.

Oh, we're at war, this is the middle of the...

Hold up, hold up.

Is that why she's changed the name of the wedding WhatsApp group

to Party People?

I mean, Party People? This is my wedding!

Oh-ho, it's your wedding, is it now?

Well, you should have thought about that before organising

the sten do the night before the wedding.

It's in keeping with the old school traditional theme what we're

going for. Plus, it's cost-effective,

and I'm the only one who's thinking about expenditure cos you're

just rinsing it, darling, flopping out the wedge. Here it goes, money,

money, money. Terri don't worry about it - where's that money going?

I don't care! Whoa! What is that supposed to mean?

I'm just saying there's been a lot of events. Has there?

You've had your bottomless garage brunch,

you've had your afternoon tea at Claridge's. So?

Now tomorrow, you've got another big lunch up west.

I mean, come on!

Well, it's Kay's official first event,

the change of the guard, you've got your boy's one.

It's a suit-fitting! It's a suit-fitting.

Honestly, rein your mates in.

My mates? What about your mates on that group, Gary?

Have you seen the filth Martin's been putting out there?

I mean, it's making me feel utterly bilious.

Martin ain't my mate, he's your mum's boyfriend. He's part of the groom party, babe.

Because he begged to be because he's never been to a wedding before.

We knew the WhatsApp group would be a political mind-field,

and now Kay's in charge.

Hm, what could go wrong?

Oh, do not take that tone with me, Tony.

Tony, what are you going on about Tony? Not at all, mate.

Hold on a minute, sorry, can you hear that music?

Can't hear a thing. It's Toni Braxton.

Oh, very funny, very funny, honestly,

I'm just worried about our wedding. So I'm sorry.

Oh, what are you worried about? Cry me another river, Tony Bennett.

Rich, why don't you shut your face? Honestly, Tel, shut up, serious.

Ooh, shut up now? Why you being so defensive, Tony Adams?

Stop calling me different Tonys, stop it now!

I'm going to walk away cos I don't want this to evolve any more than it has to.

Oh, it's evolved, Gary, it's evolving,

you just sped up the evolvalation process, so good one.

Oh, go on, yeah, yeah, go on, ooh, you're hard, yeah, go on.

Go on, I can do it all day, mate, boom, there we go,

there's another for you.

You're a big baby, Gary, with your big baby balls.

Yeah, wreck the joint!

Uh!

DISTANT ANIMALISTIC SQUEALS

Fo... That is foxes, stupid horny foxes.

I'm going to give them what for.

ANIMALISTIC SQUEALS

Oh, babe, babe, baby.

It's Aaron! Aaron's bonking out there.

He is bonking in his garden!

TO HIMSELF: What are you playing at?

Dirty, horrible bonker. Dirty, filthy bonker.

Oh, I'm going to turn my back.

So you know, I'll turn my back.

Ah!

I don't even want cover, so you have it, I like to be cold.

I'm hot anyway. So I'm hot.

Actually done me a favour, thank you for letting me cool down.

MOANING AND GROANING INTENSIFIES

Right, listen, you take care, yeah? Be safe, be safe, yeah?

What's that? New girlfriend?

Why? You taking notes?

No notes, mate, just happy for you.

I see you having a little sneaky peak last night.

Is that cos you ain't getting your end away?

SCOFFS COMICALLY Sneaky peak, mate? Me? Nah. Nah.

And let me tell you, I'm still very much getting my end away.

Really? Yeah, really.

Anyone can rock up and put in a shift here and there,

for the odd game or two, score a couple of goals.

You try staying with the same club year upon year

and consistently performing.

Gary Neville, mate, that's who I am when it comes to the sex.

I'm Gary Neville. Reliable, no frills, just dependable.

Gary Neville? Yeah, Gary Neville, mate.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Hello, darling.

You all right, b... Babe?

Don't know if you saw, I just did the bins, done the bins.

Ooey! Trouble in paradise?

Trouble in nowhere - paradise in paradise if anything, so...

Actually, I'm glad that I've seen you here,

cos I wanted to say, um, I've been talking to the

neighbours, mate, and this is - you've got to stop the parties.

HE ROLLS HIS LIPS

I'm having another one tonight, as it goes.

No, honestly, Aaron, no way, no way. I'm going to have to say no.

Look, what I'm going to say is join the Crescent Facebook group

and just see how it's affecting people's lives.

I ain't joining the Facebook group, Gary.

If anyone's got a problem with me, they can come and talk with me.

OK. I get it.

Not everyone has got Facebook but seriously, Aaron, mate,

seriously, Aaron, mate, seriously, mate.

Friends and neighbours,

I want to assure you, as your crescent warden,

I have noticed the chatter that's happening

on WhatsApp and the Facebook groups. Now...

You spoken to him yet? Yeah, I was just getting to that.

I talked to Aaron this morning on the drive and we talked, right...

I mean spoken to him, opened your mouth, words come out,

let him know the apple core.

He knows, mate, he knows, I very much let him know,

I was, like, "Mate, if you think this is going to happen for much

"longer, you've got another thing coming..."

Great, great, so no more loud late-night parties.

Mm-hm, mm-hm, probably not, probably maybe not, probably not.

What? Come on, he's running riot over you.

When I handed down the stewardship of this

crescent to you, I thought you was ready.

I was born ready.

Born ready.

I have never let down the kin of my...

Because you ain't been tested.

Look, people are unhappy, boy.

From down there in the circle

to as far as the eye can see, there's rumblings.

Well, that is why... Dissent. And that is why...

Unrest. That's why I am taking drastic action.

I am putting together a list of people's grievances

and I am going to take that to the council office.

A list? Lists are for mugs and supermarkets.

He needs to go, there's no reasoning with people like that.

Firm action must be taken.

Yes! Father, please, just let me do this my way.

OK, please, I beg of you.

Yes, Robin Tuckett, take the floor, mate, come on.

Him and his cohorts are always out the front, smoking, shouting,

horns beeping. I was literally hopping mad the other night.

He was in our back garden hopping and screaming.

Yes, I was. Oh, look, it's quite simple, send the boys round,

smash his motor to pieces, take the man's heart out.

Nah, nah, nah, no to that, that is vandalling.

Have you seen Annie's wrist, Gary?

She has taken a seriously bad fall, look at this.

It's, it's nothing, honestly. It's not nothing,

she was knocked off her bike by a dangerously parked car.

It's just a sprain.

A grade-two sprain, the ligament is completely twisted.

I should have spotted it, but it just jumped right at me.

Don't blame yourself, you can't move for aggressively parked cars

since this Aaron moved in!

This is all great stuff for the list, thank you, Robin,

this is going to be... Come on, he's nearly maimed one of our own here.

Well, it's just a sprain.

Are you even listening to me, Gary? A grade-two sprain! Grade two!

Robin, Robin, I am listening, mate, with my heart and my ears

but I am trying to be diplomacy here.

Everyone should write a letter.

Oh! Letters? What is it, 1954?

What you don't know, mate, what no-one here knows is if the council

gets more than seven letters about the same problem, they will act.

Yes, Mum, please?

Can we talk about this filth that Martin is

sharing on the WhatsApp group? Mum, that is...

Sherilee and Ian are on there and they're in their 70s.

That is not the concern...

No, it is vile, it's always the same man looking very pleased with

himself with his big Bob Watson hanging out.

Yes, Mum, I know it's very upsetting for you

but this is a whole different scenario.

I don't think she understands...

This is about the Crescent and about Aaron, please.

Anne, darling, yes, please, is it about Aaron? It is.

He yelled at poor Jed Johns last week.

Oh. OK, Jed Johns isn't here, is he?

He's had a heart attack, Gary. Oh, my God.

That's where he is.

What, a heart attack because of Aaron? Well, that's murder!

Murderer! I don't know if it's because of Aaron.

But more about the heart attack there, Anne,

just to sort of like check back a little bit.

So Jed Johns was what, in his late 30s, early 40s?

Um, late 30s, 38.

So, jeez, 38, I'm 39.

I mean, the heart attack did happen a few days after the altercation

with Aaron.

Look, he's maimed Anne, he's nearly killed Jed Johns,

the parties are endless,

the cat's having a 24-hour shitathon in our garden.

This is not a time for letters or civil lists.

You want to put the burners on, liven yourself up

and get him off the Crescent now!

Yes! APPLAUSE FADES OUT

Cheers, my darlings.

It's exciting.

Tel, what's going on, girl?

You've not been yourself within yourself, I know that face.

It's Gary, I'm... I'm not talking to him.

Oh, no. How bad is it?

Oh, I've gone fully dark.

Oh, God. Big tings though?

Big tings. Yeah.

We had a massive barney down the Dave about the wedding.

Oh, you still a member, Terri? I never see you down there.

So what was it about, babe?

Oh, nothing, just, you know, wedding stuff,

Gary getting his knickers all bunched up his walnut about it.

I'm actually going to get my hair done different for the wedding.

So what stage you at, then, with the fully dark? Stage two.

I'm going to go really, really mega short with it

like a pixie cut, so you can, like, really see my face properly.

Completed the silent treatment.

Now I'm moving smoothly into the second phase and, oosh, guess what?

Gary's already crumbled, asking where am I and am I OK?

So now I just hit back with the dot dot dots.

Oh, the dot dot dot.

What's a dot dot dot?

Yeah, see, I go to reply to the message,

Gary can see the dot dot dots,

he's thinking, "Ah, Terri's replying, what's she going to say?

"What's she going to say?" Nothing, nitto, back to dark.

Oh, to dark!

Savage.

So savage, yeah.

Shall we get a cocktail, then?

Stage three will be to eventually answer the question,

but not answer the question, with, like, a really confusing

cryptic message that will get right into his bonce,

something like "Oh, you know what you've done."

Just cos the wine's not very good for my tummy,

it sort of gives me IBS.

Stage four, turn off my phone, stage five, another cryptic message,

but this time I send the worst emoji of all the emojis.

Oh, go on. The thumbs up.

I mean, no woman worth her salt ever uses the thumbs up,

do you know what I mean?

I always send you the thumbs up though, don't I?

Well, either that or you could go sarcastic heart.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, stick to what I know, babe,

it sends out a powerful message -

we are still friends, but nothing more.

For now anyway, I mean, I love him to pieces really.

Do you know what I mean?

DIAL TONE

Pick up, bubba, pick up.

I need you, baby girl, I need you.

Stuart! Stuart Williams.

Where were you for the big Crescent meeting today, mate?

Erm, I was working.

I tell you something, mate, you, you need to

go on the record about what happened with your recycling bin.

Oh, do you know what, Gary? I'm happy enough to stay out of it now,

it'll sort itself out.

Evil thrives when good men do nothing,

and we're the good men here.

I'm under the cosh, Stu, I'm under the cosh, mate.

I had the mother of all arguments with my Terri.

Honestly, mate, I don't know what to do, I'm beside myself.

She's ignoring me, blanking all my calls, blanking my texts.

It's the longest I've ever gone in my life

without speaking to her, mate. I feel like I am living your life.

Well, when did you have this argument?

Last night. Right, so you've not spoken for an entire morning?

It's not quite the same, is it, Gary?

It's exactly the same!

Shall we look at our relative situations?

Cos your situation is you've had a minor

disagreement during preparation for your wedding, whereas my situation

is if I want to see my kids, I've got to speak to a lawyer first.

So it's pretty much exactly the same is what I'm saying, mate.

Honestly.

Look, this is a text what she said, just read that for me, please.

"You now what you've done"?

Does she mean "know"?

Yeah. I think that, yeah, that does make more sense.

Yeah. Well, what have you done?

Last night, she turned round,

she said she wanted Kay to be the wedding planner,

and I'm like, "No way, mate!"

Do you actually call her mate?

Yeah, because she is my best mate of all time

and my most exquisite lover of sex.

OK, well, that's disgusting,

but she is clearly talking about this argument?

Honestly, I knew that you'd understand of all the people

I knew in my life cos you are, like, the captain of sadness.

OK, I don't want to be known as the captain of sadness...

You are, mate, you are like Professor Sad.

I'm...I don't want to be known as Professor Sad.

Thank you for being so sad and giving me

the wisdom of your sadness. That's not wisdom.

Of everyone I know, you have the most experience with people not

loving you. Well, that's incredibly hurtful, Gary, thank you.

And I also need to ask you something.

Sure, I mean, after that absolute volley of insults, what can I do for you?

If this thing kicks off with Aaron,

I need to know that you have my back.

Well, as a last resort, I will...

I tell you what, I'll think about it.

Do you mean that? A million percent?

A million percent? There's no such thing as a million percent.

Just do it, please, mate. I need you, Stu.

I need you. Stu?

If you leave my driveway.

Thank you, OK. Thank you.

Well, thank you, Mr Tailor Man, and how does one find the measurements?

Are they to your liking, sir?

Tell you what, I feel like one of the Kingsmen.

Oh, he's a bit keen, isn't he, Gal? LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY

Naughty, naughty! Crabbie, mate, please.

What would Tel say? Hah!

Please, please, just show a bit of decorum, mate,

show a little... Martin, why are you taking your clothes off, mate?

Oh, I've never had a suit before. But you don't take your clothes off.

What's this, mate? Is it mohair?

Look with your eyes, mate, not your fingers, Crabbie, don't touch. What you got there, Gal? New ink?

Nothing, mate, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Show us.

Don't be no shy guy!

GUFFAWS

Just a little something what I've had done.

Come on, show us.

Who's that? Kurt Cobain?

What? Tiger King.

Nah. Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Look at it, Crabbie, mate, look...look at it.

Edward Scissorhands. Edward...

What?! Is it Mick Hucknall?

It's Terri, mate, that is clearly...

Look at... Look at it, it's Terri!

Oh. All right, Crab? All right, mate. All right, boy?

Hello, Crabbie.

Murder trying to find this gaff, wasn't it?

Martin, mate, pull your trousers up there, pal.

My mother's here now, pull your trousers up. What's that on your arm?

It's the most romantic thing what someone can do for the person

they love most with all their heart. What, get a tattoo of Robbie Savage?

Martin, trousers, mate, seriously.

I am not happy with you, you pervert.

Mum, not in here if you don't mind, please, not in here.

No, he's got me terrified to look in my phone, literally.

Every time I get a WhatsApp from you, I get the fear.

What have I done? The big willy man.

No, Mum, not in here, this is a respectable establishment,

these are gentlemen. I am livid here, Gary, I'm livid.

If he comes to the wedding, I'm telling you now, there'll be uproar!

Oi, mate, can I borrow your khazi?

No, you can't, mate, you can't, no, Crabbie, seriously.

I said before we came here, I said go to the toilet.

I'm so sorry, Denise.

I'm not very able with the phones.

It's innocent wrong grouping, that's all it is, Mum.

Oh, just don't, it's disgusting, you should be ashamed. Please forgive me.

You'd genuinely feel more sincere if you just pulled your trousers up.

Oi, that muppet Aaron is sorted.

Winkle's going to smash his motor to pieces tonight.

No, he isn't. Yes, he is. No, he isn't. Yes, he is.

No, he isn't.

No, get out!

Get out now. Go! Get! Go and wait in the car!

For now, can I just please enjoy the suit fitting,

which I have been looking forward to my whole life?

OK, that's it. I'm going to have to throw him a little lifeline -

just in case there's an emergency or something.

PHONE VIBRATES

LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

PHONE RINGS OUT

That's three times.

Three times he ain't answered.

Here, do you reckon he is going fully dark an' all?

He's probably just got bored like we have.

Babe, it takes as long as it takes.

Just so you both know, I need a wee.

Oh. Have you got a bottle? I haven't got a bottle.

Have you got a bottle? I don't really want to do it in a bottle.

Do you reckon you can get it in there? Got too much for that.

No! No! No, no, no!

This is not a piddle bus!

This is insane. This has gone too far. What? Sitting in my car - pissing in my car!

It's too far, mate!

Right, we are going home.

Hello! It's me, Mum. Let me in.

No, you're all right. What do you want?

Gone fully dark, haven't I? Got nowhere else to go, so...

What stage are you at? Further than I've never been.

You all right? Yes.

No! Shitting hell!

What's going on? Look, I've got some...

What?

I've got something to tell you. All right.

Me and Martin...have finished.

Oh, what's going on? I thought you was happy. I was!

Like 70% happy.

But I've met someone else. Ah!

Of course you have. Here we go again.

I mean, honestly, you not getting a bit old for all this caper?

Well, this is the thing. This new fella is younger...

..and sexier.

Go on, then, who is it?

SHE SNIGGERS

Why are you acting like a kid? What is going on?

Oh, my God, it stinks in here, Mum.

DISTANT CHEERING

ALL: Whoa!

CHEERING

Hey! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Sneaky Peeker!

LAUGHTER

What you looking at, guy? Keep yourself to yourself, mate!

He's having another party, babe. He's having another party!

And this one is the loudest one yet!

Honestly, babe. Honestly? I'm bubbling.

I'm bubbling, babe.

I'm about to boil over, darling.

I don't know what to do, because you're not here.

I need you babe, I need you,

so please, call me.

Love you.

DOORBELL RINGS

You all right, Gary? I've got a noggin full of problems, mate,

and I don't need you. Do you want to hear some good news?

What good news? I've taken a lover.

Really? What kind of bird's going to be knocking about with you?

I'm now the official boyfriend of Jodie Simone - Terri's mother.

Nah! No way.

I knew you would do this, mate. I knew you'd do it. Any way you

could get an invite to the wedding, you would. You're disgusting!

No, Gal, our love is pure.

I just want this to be a new start for us...as a family.

You are not my family. Don't fight it, son.

Stop calling me "son". You are not my dad. Stepdad.

Let's not put labels on things. I'm going to do something about this.

Wahey! It's Sneaky Peeker! What's up?

I wasn't peeking, mate, I wasn't.

There's a sparrow's nest at the back of the garden there.

That's what I was looking at. Is that a tattoo of Meat Loaf

on your arm, Gary?

That is a tattoo of my beloved, Terri, and it is not for your

eyes, so look away. None of you look at it. It's not for your eyes.

I'm glad that you've heeded my warning

and you've taking your partying ways away from this crescent.

What? Not that it's any of your business, Gary, yeah?

But we'll be back here for afters.

But there's an agreement here on Butterchurn Crescent -

an amnesty, if you will. There are no after-parties.

What, an amnesty, yeah? Really, Gary?

Why do you keep saying my name like it's funny?

It's a normal name, mate. I'm just trying to warn you.

What, are you threatening me?

Nah.

Nah, mate, I'm not threatening you, mate.

This is just a warning that comes before the actual threat, OK?

That's what people who are threatening say.

No, no, this is like...

So there's a warning that comes before the threat and that's what

I'm doing to you, mate. So this is a friendly warning, if anything.

Well, shouldn't the friendly warning come before the official

warning and then the threat? I don't... Honestly, I don't know.

All I'm saying to you, mate, is just please don't bring your

after-party back here. Please, mate.

Nah, mate!

We make this! Ah, let's go!

My guys!

Eh! Too much!

Do you want a hand, son? Nah.

Nah, I got this, Winkle.

MUSIC: Bucky Done Gun by MIA

They're coming through the window

They're coming through the door

They're busting down the big wall

And sounding the horn

We want the bucky done gun

We want that fire done burn

We want the bucky done gun

Get crackin' Get, get crackin'

We want the bucky done gun

We want that fire done burn We want the bucky done gun

Get crackin' Get, get crackin'.

Sorry, you didn't explain what the hell is going on.

Time to hand out some street justice.

What... What does that even mean?

I mean, they've gone out, the music's stopped.

That is all part of the plan.

Yeah, what is the plan? You haven't told me.

Less talk, more action.

Smash car.

So the plan is to smash his car up?

Exactly.

Smash...car!

You... Are you all right, Gary?

Smash cars!

You sound a bit... Well, you sound a bit like the Hulk.

Ugh! Sick in my bum!

Yeah, OK? Agh-agh-aagh!

Gary, you all right, mate? Agh!

DISTORTED: Can you hear me, Gary?

My name Gaky! Are you all right? Hey, put that down.

Smash car! Gary!

Gary?

HIS VOICE DISTORTS AND ECHOES

Hey, it's all right. Shh-shh-shh-shh.

Gave us a scare there, babes.

Gave myself a scare.

I'm really sorry, babe. I should have been here for you.

I was too busy trying to punish you and I shouldn't have done.

I feel really rotten.

Don't dare blame yourself. Do not dare blame yourself.

It's my doing.

I have been playing fast and loose with my health for far too long.

From now on, I will be Chill-play Gary.

Yeah.

What's that there, babe?

Oh! That's supposed to be me, is it? Yeah.

Oh, OK. Um... All right, I'm sure we can do

something about that - like, you know, shade it in or block it out,

or just, we'll get rid.

You bloused it, then? A panic attack?

They're the ones that kill you, Mum.

They're far more dangerous than any heart attack.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, my life.

Oh, it's Martin again. Ugh!

He wants neutering, the louse.

My darling? Yeah. I want you to speak to our wedding planner, Kay,

and you tell her to remove Martin Fudd

from the wedding WhatsApp group.

Oh, babe, she'll be so made up. Thank you.

Oh, I love you. Love you more.

I'm like a chair without legs without you.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, I'll get that.

Oh, hello. Yeah, is Gary there, please?

Yeah, I'll grab him for you.

What do you want? Someone's, er...

Someone's smashed up me motor

and they've stole my cat.

Do you know anything?

Did you see anything, or, like, I think, maybe,

as, like, the crescent warden,

someone might have reported something?

I know who smashed up your car, mate.

And I know who took your cat. Who-who... Who was it, bruv?

It was me. I did it.

What...? You're serious? Yeah.

See, this is my serious face.

What...? You think you can... you can do something like that to me

and get away with it?

Oh, I know I'm going to get away with it, mate.

See, this is what your problem is, right?

This is your problem.

In a domestic dispute such as this,

what one needs is weaknesses, right?

Now, in this circumstance, for you, is I'm pretty sure no-one saw

a thing, mate. I can almost guarantee that.

You've gone down like a shitty penny round here, mate.

So get your stuff and get out of Butterchurn Crescent, mate.

Be gone.

I'll have your cat sent along safely and soundly,

but you've got to go, boy! Go on!

You look after her, yeah? You have my word on that.

Go on. Go on mate, go on. Go on, off you go.

HE WHISTLES

You all right, boy? Mate, honestly - well done, smashing his car up.

I've just done a deal with the man, yeah?

You've just got to get that cat back to him safely. That's the deal. Well done, Dad.

What cat? I didn't touch his cat. Just smashed his motor to pieces.

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