Original subtitles

OK, champ, you ready for this? First thing first your grip, yeah?

Goes across your finger ridges, not the lifeline, ridges of the fingers.

Let's get relaxing in those knees, bobbing. Straighten your body, but bend your legs.

Straighten but bend, straighten but bend.

Now collapse that left leg, just collapse the left leg a bit, let it.

Ted, you look like you're having a seizure, mate. The whole skill to this, right, is being relaxed

and stiff at the same time.

Be stiff and relaxed?! That's the game, that's the sweet little mystery of it all!

Can't I just hit it? Yeah, course you can. If you want to do that, just so you know, mate,

Tiger Woods didn't hit a ball for ten years, he just hit mat.

So you, you're better than Tiger Woods, are you? Go on, mate, see how you get on. Can't wait to see.

Everyone watch! Watch the kid! He knows better than his dad!

Shot! Shot!

Yeah, boy!

Oh, my day! He's hit the tree!

He's hit the tree!

What? Dick eye! He's hit that very clean!

Ain't he though, ain't he though?

He has creamed 20 balls like that, mate. That's half a bucket.

Yeah, you can see the way his body's put together, his whole

line's in total symmetry and he's got a natural hand-eye coordination.

Exactly. You've either got it, or you ain't.

Well, you ain't got it. You couldn't catch a grapefruit in a windsock. What?

He's a natural. He's a true talent.

He needs to be nurtured very carefully.

I'm already five moves in front of you, Dad.

I've entered him into the Junior Oaks Tournament down here.

A tournament? Already? No, you need to slow down, boy. It's too early.

He's 12 years old, mate! That's middle aged in sporting terms.

He's practically a pensioner!

Gary, I was playing golf when you were still eating bits of Lego.

Now let me in here!

OK. OK.

I'll take you on in a coaching adviser role,

but I am management here, mate, so career strategy,

brand endorsements, that's very much my domain.

Yeah, whatever. Then welcome to the team.

We're going to do great things.

Oh...

Ooh!

Now, tell me are you nearly there yet, or what?

So, how's the wedding planning going like?

Yeah, yeah, so we're going big with it, obvs, yeah, yeah.

Going to do it like in a castle and stuff because you know like the King thing,

because you know we are the Kings. Wow! Sounds ambitious, babe.

Mm. You going to get a wedding planner, so it's not horrible and tacky? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just... Just sussing out a few as we speak,

you know, just depends on where we're going, destinas-ion wise,

you know, get a plane to the old... WHISTLES

Yeah. Mm...

I mean, I'm obviously a stylist by trade, but I have actually

been thinking about going into the weddings medium. Do mine!

If you fancy, do ours, I mean if you - so would like to do that?

Well, I suppose I was thinking about starting small, you know,

something a bit base, and then just working my way up the design ladder.

So, I'm not making no promises, but I could pop round,

maybe bring some mood boards, bring my Pinterest up.

Oh, cool, that is cool, I'd love... I'd love that,

because you know what,

I absolutely...

CLATTERING AND BANGING

When... When you... when are you thinking, babes?

Do you want to pop round tomorrow or something? What are you doing?

Oh, er... Just... Just wondering if... What this is.

I mean, what is it and shall we have a go on it?

Terri, you never use any of the machines.

No, no, it's...

Oh, it's the cramp! It's... Ooh! Got 'em in both legs.

Terri, stand up. You've got to stretch it out!

No, you're all right, babe. I'm going to ping you over a text, speak to you later, chinkers, all right?

Hi, darling. Oh, hiya, Den.

Oi, oi, whih-woo! Someone's in his work garms.

Talk about giving me a little fizzy flow there, babe.

Oh... Sorry, babe, what's going on here?

It's a putting green for Teddy.

Right, no. OK, OK, brilliant, that's...

Sorry what's, what's brought all this on?

He has the gift, my kiwi, the gift!

He has hit 100 balls and he's hit every one like Rory McIlroy.

Sorry, I don't know who that is. He's an amazing golfer, babe. Right. And so is Teddy. Right.

Honestly, babe, I've already entered him in a tournament. Oh!

Righto, moving fast then, OK. What date?

It's a school day, he's got nothing on.

Well, he has school on, Gary, so what date?

Just looking at his diary. Mm-hm.

27th. No, babe!

That's his spelling bee final, you divvy. He can't miss that!

Spelling? Really?! Yes, spelling, Gary.

Babe, we need to invest now and whatever we invest now will come back ten fold later.

Right, right. Well, I'll just leave that one with you, OK.

Listen, have you spoken to your mother yet about the wedding?

Yeah, yeah. Yes. Really? Yes, I have spoken. Babe, because she will not stop texting me.

She's even started emailing me on eBay. It's making my bum itch.

DOORBELL RINGS

I thought you was Amazon Prime. Yes, well, sorry to disappoint.

What do you want, Stuart? It's my bin, you said next-door's got it.

Yeah, has got it, you can see it clear as day, number 41, look. See?

Mate, he's using that not as his primary bin, but as an overflow

bin, for all the stuff he doesn't think's worthy of his own bin.

What do you think I should do? Just go and take it, mate.

You honestly think I should just take it? You've lost enough, mate.

Go and take it. All right, fine. I'll take it. Do it, go for it.

I am, I am doing it. Mate, do it. Mate, do it. I'm doing it!

Take it! Oi, oi, oi, oi, chavro, not across there, mate. What?!

There's a gap here. Walk up the drive and then back down.

Why? Don't take verge liberties. Well, there's nothing there.

Mate, it's not a bridge, mate.

Fine.

Stu! Stu! Stu! Da-da!

What?

Dack-dahn. What's da-da?

Dack-dahn. What?

Duck down! Duck down? Yes.

OK. Sh!

Stu! What?

All clear, mate. All clear.

You don't need to tell me it's all clear!

Just tell me when it isn't.

Stu! Stu! You vanished, I couldn't see you for a second. Yeah, shut, up!

Go Stu! Go, go, go, Stu! Go, Stu!

Hey, what you doing?

Oh, yeah, sorry, no, it's, um... The....

It's actually quite easily explained. I believe there...

There's been a mix-up and you may have one of my...recycling bins.

Calling me a thief, bruv?

Absol... Absolutely not, no, it's just.... Mate...

Mate, mate, it's Gary... Gary King from next door, what lives here.

Yeah? That's Stuart Williams he lives at number 41, the bin there. That, 41.

These bins were here when I moved in, so you'll have

to take it back with the previous tenant, and step back from the car! Sorry.

Me again, mate. Me again, so coming over, yeah, coming over.

Bruv... Why are you walking up there for? Oi! You could cross there.

Driveway code, mate, driveway code.

Why's he walking up there? I've got no idea. Nearly here.

Listen, mate. I know what you are doing. You've sensed

the weakest, most vulnerable person on this whole crescent

and thus you are now picking on him and making his life a misery,

but his life is already miserable and pathetic and sad. His wife has

left him, mate, and he is drinking all the time on the booze, ain't ya?

Right, Gary, he doesn't need to know all this, I just...

He does need to know, mate. He needs to know how broken you are, mate. I am not broken.

He's shattered. I am not broken. You are vulnerable. I'm not vuln...

I am not vulnerable. Mate, you are broken. I'm not broken! You're Mr Broken, mate.

I'm just going through a break-up, I'm dealing with it in the normal

way that people deal with things like that. You are now dealing... You're walking around in pyjamas

with no shoes and socks on. I was just going for an afternoon walk... Walking around outside...?

Ah! You both done?!

Yeah.

Actually, no. One other thing, you shouldn't park your car like that.

Oh, my God! Because it's not - you can't park your car like that.

Does it really matter?

Yeah, it does actually, mate,

because actually what it is, is that it's a legal turning point

because it's a cul-de-sac, so people can't turn round.

Bruv, what are you? Are you the council?

Pretty much, actually. I'm what's known as the crescent warden.

That ain't the same thing as the council.

So my advice would be contact the ACTUAL council

and I will speak to them.

Fair play. Yeah, fair play in a way.

I just...

I just want my bin. He just wants his bin back.

Take your bin. Just take it, just do it, mate. Stop messing

around Stuart, take it. Yeah, it's just it's sort of...

..it's quite full up with your rubbish. That ain't my problem.

You're right, it's absolutely not your problem, very much my problem.

I need to go get my tea, because Terri's done tea tonight, so. I don't care. So see you later, yeah.

We're ready for you now, Mr King. Thank you, OK.

Good luck with your stuff.

Thank you for letting me into your kingdom at such short notice, Mrs Grant.

Always so lovely to see you.

Teddy is showing a lot of potential as being an elite sportsperson,

a golfer, and that's where you come in.

You see, he has his first major tournament on the same

day as your spelling game.

It's not a game, Mr King. It's the final of the competition.

But can we move it? Move it?!

Shift it a couple of days, budge it up on the schedule,

drop it somewhere else. Shunt it, Mrs Grant, shunt it.

No, it's far too late to reschedule.

There are eight schools involved from four counties.

Then we have ourselves a crossroads.

He has two choices, two roads which he could go down.

The left-hand road is a road of books and spelling

and librarianisms, and the right junction,

well, that is the journey to being the greatest golfer of all time.

So a T-junction.

If you like. Are you picking on me?

No, I'm not picking on you. Just feels a little bit like you are picking on me, so...

Look, Mr King, we've been here before, have we not?

What? What are you saying? When you pulled Teddy out of school for football trials with Barcelona.

Do you recall? Sort of, little bit... Actually, no, I don't recall actually. My brain's not working.

I think getting a good

education can definitely...

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Can def...

BLOWS RASPBERRY

I can definitely secure financial... BLOWS RASPBERRY

OK, let's just ask Teddy what he wants to do.

Teddy, what would you like to do? Considering you've worked so hard...

Ah-ah! Sh.

Sshh-tshh.

Ted, mate... Ted, you've got to decide now,

this is for the rest of your life, you have to make this decision.

Do you want to life of spelling, being a little speller, or

golf superstardom with a mansion and an infinity pool? Choice is yours.

Golf. Go on, say it again. Golf. There it is.

There it is.

Look, you did your best, but the boy has decided.

Shake, come on, don't be a bad loser.

Come on, you need to shake on it.

Sheila. Sheila. She-she.

Come on, Sheila.

WHISTLES

There we go.

Good girl.

That's a shake. Ted, come on, mate.

Teddy King shall play golf. Come on, son, let's go.

Make the body move, you got to

Let the body groove

Make the body move, you've got to

Let the body groove

Weekend and you're ready to make a move

Been working nine to five, it ain't so smooth

So Monday and it's stress up on your life

And you know that music really beats life, so you got to...

Hello, babe. Welcome to Chez King.

Do you know how it's impossible to park on your road? No?

Yeah, I had to park like 1,000 steps away.

Oh, it's just one big room, is it? Very cute.

Yeah, sorry about all the parking malarkey.

It's our annoying new neighbour. My Gary's sorting him out, so...

Right, then.

So, I've drawn up some mood boards. Yay.

These are some castle weddings. Wow!

Now, are you sure about Scotland and Ireland?

Oh, yeah, yeah. We've always said about it. Got our hearts set on it really, you know, so... OK.

I get it. It's just I've always really wanted to go to a wedding in Italy, so...

Nah. OK, that's fine. I mean, this can still have taste and style.

Yeah. Ooh! So I'm thinking Meze for food.

Ooh! Or, maybe, a suckling pig, on a spit.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Get in my belly! Or if we go to Ireland, like...

IRISH ACCENT: Get in my belly!

DOORBELL RINGS

Terri?

It's me, Denise.

Like that one.

DOORBELL

That's nice, I like that.

Are you going to get that?

I know you're in there. Oh, no, that'll be nothing, don't worry about it. Sorry, where were we?

Oh, all right, Denise. Sorry, we're in the middle of something here.

Did Gary talk to you about the wedding, did he?

No, he hasn't, he's avoiding me. It's like you're both ignoring me, Terri.

Oh? A woman could get offended by such behaviour.

Feel like the smelly kid at the disco.

I'm sorry, babe. What, you just knocking just now, were you?

Didn't hear a thing, did we, Chlo-girl? Yes, we did. You said to leave it.

Hiya, Den.

Ooh, whatcha... Whatcha... What you got there, babes, eh?

Spreadsheets, costings, quotes for the wedding.

Actually, can we sit down for this?

Sorry, Den. It's just we're in the middle of something here.

Chloe's actually going to be our new wedding planner, so...

Is she now? Yeah. What do you need a wedding planner for?

Blimey, when I got married you just roped in the bridesmaid who drunk the least.

Well, Den, I'm a professional. Can we please sit down now, have a cup of tea?

Lully, Dad, lully, mate. That's lully, boy. Very well done, very well done.

What have you come as? I'm the daddy caddy.

Daddy caddy? Sounds like something sort of adult nappy.

Son, cast your eyes upon the Teddy King golfing arena.

Cool! What don't you have a little swing, boy?

Smash it as hard as you like, ain't going nowhere.

Bit tired, Grandad. Then sleep is needed, off you go. Get some shut-eye, boy.

Sleep?! He needs to get his practise in.

I'm in charge of his schedule, you deal with the practise.

Well, it's hard for him to practise if he's fast asleep!

You even got a guest list? It was like the first thing I did actually, so...

There you go.

There's no sign of the Canvey Island Kings, or the Orpington lot.

Winkle, my cousin Creamy. Creamy?

I don't know him, Denise,

and based on that name alone, he ain't coming, all right? This is my wedding, OK?

They are family!

I'm going to go.

Boo doesn't like being around loud nasty voices, so...

It's probably for the best. No, no!

Stay, I mean we'll have a cup of tea and you know...

Cos you're my wedding planner and, and this is my wedding, so...

OK. Come on, Boo, let's go home. Say bye-bye. HIGH PITCH: Bye-bye!

Catch you later then, Chlo!

Did you make me that cup of tea? Going now.

Gal? Yes, darling. You all right, babe?

No. No, no, I'm not, babe, no.

See, your mum's in there being a bit busy.

Mm-hm. Didn't tell her, did ya?

No. You said you did...and you didn't.

I mean, she's up in there grinding my gears real bad,

she's about to cop a doughboy.

I'm a little bit befuddled about this situation because like

your demeanour is saying one thing and your words another, so...

Oh, no, I'm next level livid with you, Gary. Fuming in fact.

Yeah, but what it is, is with your face is smiling, it seems

so happy, but then with your words you're quite damaging and quite hard for me to hear.

Yeah, that's because I don't want anyone knowing just how

incredibly angry I am. I mean, I'm stir fry crazy actually, so...

What do you reckon, Tel? Yeah, it looks really great, Gal. Well done.

Do you mean that, like you love the arena, or...?

We'll just... We can probably just scale it back and stuff, so... Yeah. I love you.

OK, whatever.

Love you, smudge.

Yes! Party's just starting!

Let's do this, let's do this, yes, yes, yes. It's happening!

You good, yeah,? You and Sades are good, yeah?

Hey, what's happening? Hey, this fiasco anything to do with you? Eh!

Long time, babe! You all right?

Go inside! Oh, my brother, are you good, yeah?

Go and get a drink, yeah? Hey... Hey, mate, what...? What?

What now, bruv? What do you mean "what now"?

You've commandeered the whole cul-de-sac. It's like an NCP!

You've blocked my drive, mate. It's like joyriders are parked here.

You could get a bus out of there. You want me to do it for you?

That is a legal turning point! You said that before.

And I'll say it again cos it... Honestly, I'm in a rush, yeah, a real rush, my son has a very

prestigious golf tournament that I must get to.

Oh, g-g-golf?

Oh, really that's actually... That's interesting, Gary, tell me more about that.

Well, it's at Pinewood, just round the corner there.

Beautiful, 18-holer, 50 entrees from round the country, you know,

top golfers, top young golfers and my Teddy is...

What, he's one of them? Yeah, his first tournament.

He's only taken up the game recent like, and you couldn't imagine. He's a bad boy, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'm excited. Oh, mate!

You're boring me, mate! Let's do this!

Get the cars moved, mate! Shut up!

Don't to come down hard, mate! Serious.

Love a party, but 10am.

Boys, what's going on? What kind of people are ya?

A busy restaurant so I couldn't make a scene?

This ain't my first rodeo, Den.

So talk.

I got a deal for you on the table.

I'll give you three of the Orpington Kings, two of the Canvey Island lot.

Very gracious of you. I'm sensing a but in there.

Haven't actually finished, thank you.

And your cousin Creamy, but Winkle can't come, Gary hates him.

And there's the but. That's not the big but actually, the biggest but is yet to come

if you'll let me finish, so...

I will give you all of that and you can make the bridesmaid dresses,

but you let me run the rest on my terms,

that includes Chloe as the wedding planner and you stop being busy.

I am not busy. Oh, you're so busy.

I'm not busy. You're very busy. I am not busy. Busy.

I am not busy.

Oh, yeah, and it's in Ireland.

Overseas? A foreign wedding? Not of this shores? Are you for real?!

Selfish. It's Ireland, Denise. It's like 40 quid on Aer Lingus.

I am dumbstruck. So much can go wrong with going away it's a lot to ask of people.

What about Gemma and Franco, Cancun? We'll be different.

Will you? Will you really?

150 people was invited, seven turned up,

was heart-breaking for those of us there, all the photos was close ups.

You listen here. This is our wedding, we do it our way, OK?

Fine.

You've made your position very clear.

You won't hear one more peep from me. Good.

I'll turn up for the wedding, I'll get leathered, I'll

smile for the snaps, I'll do the Oops Upside Your Head and that is

it, but rest assured, you and little Gary will at some point need me.

Pss... OK. And I won't be around to help.

Know that.

That known.

Sorry, I thought you were going to storm out there, or do something.

I've ordered my lunch, be rude to leave it.

You can storm out if you want to.

I ain't going nowhere, but know that if I wasn't also looking forward

to this reem cuisine, or if we'd already eaten I'd have just left, so...

Well, you'd have been leaving an empty table, because if you'd have

said what you'd have said before ordering, I'd have left right then.

There would never have been an empty table for me cos you

sat down before me, so knowing what I know now I'd have told you not even taken my coat off,

left and left you alone at the table. I'm so tired.

You tire me out.

Bon appetit(!)

Here come the Kings!

Here comes Teddy King, mate!

Teddy King is here! Woo! Teddy King is here!

Don't know the name, you're about to know, mate. You're about...

How you doing, mate? Gary King. Daddy caddy to Teddy King.

Where you been? Doing a YouTube press conference with him, mate.

Just doing some Q&As, OK?

Here he is, Teddy King, the jewel in the King crown!

There we go, mate. You ready there? Get ready, good boy.

SILENCE! Silence, please! Show some respect!

MOUTHS

Binos, mate, want your binos? It's a par three, Gary. It ain't 400 yards.

OK, no to binos, fine, OK. Just asking, mate.

Just relax, Ted, yeah? Take your time, just relax.

Ted, message for your followers, mate. Put that away, you marrow! Say hello.

Gary, put that away! Little quote? Put it away, Gary!

OK, no, fine, cool. Ted, just ignore that idiot, yeah?

That's great cos that's in the video now, mate, so well done.

That's it, Ted. Go on, mate.

Oh, no!

What's that? What happened there?

It's nerves, innit?

Got to be nerves. Better be nerves!

Yep, that's a wedger.

Ah! Yeperooni, get the old wedger on that, mate.

That's a little wedger. Get a-wedging mate. Get that wedge.

Get ready for this! See what the boy can do, you mugs!

SPLASH

What?!

Umpire! How can you expect anyone to play in this grass?

Look at the length of it, honestly, mate!

You could hide a stolen car in here. What's up with him? His nut's gone, innit?

Do you want me to have a word? He's playing possum, he's playing possum. What, in golf?!

Well, he's a maverick!

What's going on, boy? What's happening? What's going on? Dad, I don't want to do this any more.

You do, you love... You love your golf. You do, mate.

Honestly, get your head together, mate, and you'll enjoy it. We love our golf, don't we?

No, Dad, I only really play to make you and Grandad happy, and then Mrs

Grant looked so sad when I said I wasn't going to do the spelling bee.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, can't you see? That is not on you, she will get over it.

But I like the spelling bee, Dad. The adrenaline, the apprehension,

the furore. I don't know what any of those words mean.

It feels like you're just using long words to show off. Long words is how I show off, Dad.

It's what I'm good at, not golf!

Wow! Wow-wee...

That's told me.

Needed to hear it, though.

I'm sorry, mate. Honestly, I really am, and I'm proud of you

for displaying your feelings in such a way, and I feel emotionally winded

mate, feel like the stuffing's just been kicked out of my arse, honestly.

P-f-f-f-f-b-b-b!

Gee-whizz!

You are like a little boy who's actually an old man because of the

way you see the world and that is the thing I'm proudest of with you.

Game over, game over!

Official statement to follow! What?!

He ain't playing, Dad. He ain't playing. Well, make him play. We put a lot of time and effort in here.

I'm not going to ride him like you rode me.

Sucking the joy and the fun out of everything what I did,

stifling my natural ability. But you never had any natural ability.

Come on. Let's go, mate.

Ready, Teddy?

OK, the first word is...pressurised.

That's pressurised.

Ooh, that's a tough one!

P-R

E-S-S-U

R-I-S-E-D.

That's correct. Yes!

Well done.

The next word is...manipulated.

That's manipulated.

M-A-N

I-P-U

L-A-T-E-D.

Correct. Eh! Get in son! Lovely spelling. Lully spelling, mate!

Good spelling there. Nice that wasn't it? Nice spelling, very eloquent.

And for the win, the final word is...

..Ignoramus.

That's ignoramus.

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