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1
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:03,725
So, my mom, my dad,
2
00:00:03,792 --> 00:00:06,126
and my Randy are
gonna end joint custody
3
00:00:06,193 --> 00:00:08,929
and let a meaty gator
decide who gets me!
4
00:00:09,930 --> 00:00:10,998
Hm.
5
00:00:11,064 --> 00:00:13,867
[munching]
6
00:00:13,934 --> 00:00:15,335
Do you mean mediator?
7
00:00:15,402 --> 00:00:17,237
And if so,
they tend to be human.
8
00:00:17,304 --> 00:00:18,472
Oh, that's a relief.
9
00:00:18,539 --> 00:00:20,474
If Clooney ever kicks Amal
to the curb,
10
00:00:20,541 --> 00:00:22,876
I know who I'd get
to live with.
11
00:00:22,943 --> 00:00:23,877
I mean, Georgie boy
12
00:00:23,944 --> 00:00:26,480
literally built a Max statue
in his backyard
13
00:00:26,547 --> 00:00:29,950
and commissioned Dave Matthews
to write a song about me.
14
00:00:30,017 --> 00:00:33,220
♪ [singing gibberish]
15
00:00:33,287 --> 00:00:35,756
At least
I think it was about me.
16
00:00:35,823 --> 00:00:37,925
If you're done bragging,
I have a share. [chuckles]
17
00:00:37,991 --> 00:00:40,394
Turns out Ella B wanted
to take me home from school
18
00:00:40,461 --> 00:00:42,362
so Sophie R didn't get me.
19
00:00:42,429 --> 00:00:44,064
[chuckling]
Classic Ella B.
20
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,232
You know Ella B?
21
00:00:45,299 --> 00:00:47,901
She's the youngest human
in my household.
22
00:00:47,968 --> 00:00:50,971
Nibbles has joined
the Bronson menagerie
23
00:00:51,038 --> 00:00:52,506
and we are cohabitating.
24
00:00:52,573 --> 00:00:54,374
Shel?
Nibbles?
25
00:00:54,441 --> 00:00:56,543
You never told us you
live with other animals.
26
00:00:56,610 --> 00:00:59,580
Look, I come here
to talk about me.
27
00:00:59,646 --> 00:01:01,715
Oh, there are other animals!
28
00:01:01,782 --> 00:01:03,917
I'm stuck in the basement
between a snake
29
00:01:03,984 --> 00:01:05,452
and a mouse that won't shut up!
30
00:01:05,519 --> 00:01:07,988
Let's set some ground rules
right up top. No secrets.
31
00:01:08,055 --> 00:01:09,656
I'm gonna share everything
that comes into my head.
32
00:01:09,723 --> 00:01:11,391
You share everything
that comes into yours.
33
00:01:11,458 --> 00:01:12,493
I know what you're thinking.
34
00:01:12,559 --> 00:01:13,527
You're gonna get
a lot of cheese talk.
35
00:01:13,594 --> 00:01:16,196
But guess what?
I'm also a student of history.
36
00:01:16,263 --> 00:01:17,264
Did you know during
the crusades,
37
00:01:17,331 --> 00:01:20,000
they would age cheese
in the skulls of heretics?
38
00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:21,602
Ah, cheese.
39
00:01:21,668 --> 00:01:24,471
My uncle once dated
a wheel of parmesan.
40
00:01:24,538 --> 00:01:26,473
Of course,
after their wedding night,
41
00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:31,011
she looked more like Swiss.
[chuckles]
42
00:01:31,078 --> 00:01:34,181
[upbeat rock music]
43
00:01:34,248 --> 00:01:37,885
♪ [musical barking]
44
00:01:37,951 --> 00:01:43,924
♪
45
00:01:43,991 --> 00:01:46,126
♪ [musical oinking]
46
00:01:46,193 --> 00:01:47,961
♪ [musical meowing]
47
00:01:48,028 --> 00:01:49,363
♪
48
00:01:49,429 --> 00:01:52,232
♪ [animals vocalizing
together] ♪
49
00:01:52,299 --> 00:01:59,640
♪
50
00:02:04,244 --> 00:02:07,948
Breakfast!
Mlarf, mlarf, mlarf, mlarf.
51
00:02:08,015 --> 00:02:09,183
[chuckles uncomfortably]
52
00:02:09,249 --> 00:02:11,852
Chief, is it, um,
is it possible, um
53
00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:16,356
cool if it's notum, for you
to eat without mlarfing?
54
00:02:16,423 --> 00:02:19,259
Are you looking for
a more traditional numnum?
55
00:02:19,326 --> 00:02:20,460
Num, num, num, num, num, num,
num, num, num...
56
00:02:20,527 --> 00:02:23,530
You know what? I'm gonna save
my breakfast for lunch.
57
00:02:23,597 --> 00:02:25,866
Num, num, num, num, num, num,
num, num, num, num, num, num.
58
00:02:25,933 --> 00:02:29,069
[soft dramatic music]
59
00:02:29,136 --> 00:02:31,605
♪
60
00:02:31,672 --> 00:02:34,074
[sighs]
61
00:02:34,141 --> 00:02:36,076
Looking for moi?
62
00:02:36,143 --> 00:02:37,678
[dreamy electric guitar music]
63
00:02:37,744 --> 00:02:42,182
Oh, hi. No, I was just
no, I was looking for my, um,
64
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:44,351
this, um, pinecone!
[chuckles]
65
00:02:44,418 --> 00:02:45,919
[mouth full]
Found it! [chuckles]
66
00:02:45,986 --> 00:02:47,187
Come on.
67
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,823
I watch you every day
scanning the trees
68
00:02:49,890 --> 00:02:52,092
Ants!
Ah.
69
00:02:52,159 --> 00:02:55,162
So you, uh, watch me every day?
70
00:02:55,229 --> 00:02:56,597
Not in a creepy way.
71
00:02:56,663 --> 00:02:59,600
More of a sniffwhereyou
justpeed kinda way.
72
00:02:59,666 --> 00:03:00,400
Aw.
73
00:03:00,467 --> 00:03:02,803
[sneezes]
Stupid ants.
74
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:05,239
My pack is moving
to Altadena.
75
00:03:05,305 --> 00:03:06,440
I want you to come with.
76
00:03:06,506 --> 00:03:08,909
What?
We barely know each other.
77
00:03:08,976 --> 00:03:11,245
Oh, I'm sorry.
[chuckles]
78
00:03:11,311 --> 00:03:13,280
Let me give you
my butt backstory.
79
00:03:13,347 --> 00:03:16,650
[energetic '80s music]
80
00:03:16,717 --> 00:03:18,552
♪
81
00:03:18,619 --> 00:03:20,854
[howling]
82
00:03:20,921 --> 00:03:21,889
Dude!
83
00:03:21,955 --> 00:03:24,858
[shouting in fright]
84
00:03:24,925 --> 00:03:28,061
♪
85
00:03:28,128 --> 00:03:30,330
Merry Christmas, kid.
86
00:03:30,397 --> 00:03:33,533
Whoa.
That is wild.
87
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:37,371
You deserve more than this
humdrum suburban existence.
88
00:03:37,437 --> 00:03:40,908
Oh, it's not all humdrum.
Take a whiff.
89
00:03:40,974 --> 00:03:43,010
[pleasant waltz]
90
00:03:43,076 --> 00:03:44,711
♪
91
00:03:44,778 --> 00:03:47,748
[laughing]
92
00:03:47,814 --> 00:03:50,217
♪
93
00:03:50,284 --> 00:03:52,185
[horn honking]
94
00:03:52,252 --> 00:03:53,387
♪
95
00:03:53,453 --> 00:03:55,689
So, you know,
I can get crazy, too.
96
00:03:55,756 --> 00:03:58,091
Although I've only poked
a bear metaphorically.
97
00:03:58,158 --> 00:03:59,626
Run away with me, Honey.
98
00:03:59,693 --> 00:04:01,695
Let me show you
what's behind those trees.
99
00:04:01,762 --> 00:04:04,564
I mean, it's mostly more trees.
But behind those
100
00:04:04,631 --> 00:04:05,799
Okay.
101
00:04:05,866 --> 00:04:07,968
I mean, okay, no.
I can't run away with you.
102
00:04:08,035 --> 00:04:10,904
Ibecauyou're kidding.
And I took you seriously.
103
00:04:10,971 --> 00:04:11,939
[laughs]
104
00:04:12,005 --> 00:04:13,240
But wait, are you serious?
105
00:04:13,307 --> 00:04:15,976
I am serious, Honey.
How do you know my name?
106
00:04:16,043 --> 00:04:18,712
Honey!
Honey!
107
00:04:18,779 --> 00:04:22,749
I got into it
with the trashcan again.
108
00:04:22,816 --> 00:04:24,384
Altadena.
109
00:04:24,451 --> 00:04:26,586
[dreamy electric guitar music]
110
00:04:26,653 --> 00:04:28,622
Num, num, num.
111
00:04:30,257 --> 00:04:33,460
[scarfing loudly]
[cats meowing]
112
00:04:33,527 --> 00:04:34,895
Ugh!
113
00:04:34,962 --> 00:04:36,430
Look at the story my body tell.
114
00:04:36,496 --> 00:04:38,999
I was replaced by a new kitten,
ran away,
115
00:04:39,066 --> 00:04:40,968
was traumatized at a cat cafe,
116
00:04:41,034 --> 00:04:43,036
and now I am here
with greasy coat.
117
00:04:43,103 --> 00:04:44,171
Which reminds me, Gray One,
118
00:04:44,237 --> 00:04:47,708
I never thank you
for taking me in.
119
00:04:51,278 --> 00:04:53,814
Oh, that was the thank you.
120
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,248
I'll kill you!
121
00:04:55,315 --> 00:04:57,317
What the hell,
Hates The Gray One One?
122
00:04:57,384 --> 00:04:58,518
[grunts]
123
00:04:58,585 --> 00:05:01,621
[light orchestral music]
124
00:05:01,688 --> 00:05:03,023
Now we are even.
125
00:05:03,090 --> 00:05:04,624
[gasps]
Look.
126
00:05:04,691 --> 00:05:07,160
Is that
Max?
127
00:05:07,227 --> 00:05:08,929
[soft upbeat music]
128
00:05:08,996 --> 00:05:10,130
Well, Nibbles,
129
00:05:10,197 --> 00:05:11,565
you're certainly
looking more rested today.
130
00:05:11,631 --> 00:05:15,202
Because I finally got
a decent night's sleep!
131
00:05:15,268 --> 00:05:17,037
When I got back home
yesterday,
132
00:05:17,104 --> 00:05:19,773
Lenny wasn't inside his cage.
133
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:22,042
He was inside the snake!
134
00:05:22,109 --> 00:05:25,110
Poor bastard kept talking
about food,
135
00:05:25,176 --> 00:05:27,774
never realizing he was food.
136
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:32,946
[laughing]
137
00:05:33,479 --> 00:05:34,447
What?
138
00:05:34,514 --> 00:05:35,481
Oh, no, nothing.
139
00:05:35,548 --> 00:05:36,549
You're just a monster.
140
00:05:36,616 --> 00:05:38,418
But that's why we're here.
Honey, do your stuff.
141
00:05:38,484 --> 00:05:42,755
Is it possible you're
using humor to deflect?
142
00:05:42,822 --> 00:05:45,758
Oh yeah, that
that is what I'm doing.
143
00:05:45,825 --> 00:05:50,163
I really loved Lenny
and I wish he wasn't dead.
144
00:05:50,229 --> 00:05:51,164
[chuckles]
145
00:05:51,230 --> 00:05:52,065
Okay.
146
00:05:52,131 --> 00:05:53,700
I feel like
I should be reporting this
147
00:05:53,766 --> 00:05:54,968
but I don't know to whom.
148
00:05:55,034 --> 00:05:58,137
So Diablo,
how did your mediation go?
149
00:05:58,204 --> 00:05:58,972
Terrible.
150
00:05:59,038 --> 00:05:59,939
The mediator decided
151
00:06:00,006 --> 00:06:01,874
I should choose which parent
to live with,
152
00:06:01,941 --> 00:06:03,810
so he's gonna put me
in between the two of them
153
00:06:03,876 --> 00:06:04,711
and see who I go to.
154
00:06:04,777 --> 00:06:06,012
Ugh.
Alligators.
155
00:06:06,079 --> 00:06:07,981
I mean, there's no rules
at my dad's house.
156
00:06:08,047 --> 00:06:09,382
It's a nonstop party.
157
00:06:09,449 --> 00:06:11,117
And even though my mom's
got tons of rules,
158
00:06:11,184 --> 00:06:14,120
I find her boundaries and
routine strangely reassuring.
159
00:06:14,187 --> 00:06:16,389
Ooh, yeah, that sounds tough.
160
00:06:16,456 --> 00:06:19,258
And yet, I still think the
choice is pretty obvious.
161
00:06:19,325 --> 00:06:20,660
On the one paw, sure,
162
00:06:20,727 --> 00:06:23,229
you've got a fun,
carefree existence
163
00:06:23,296 --> 00:06:25,565
where you can take off
your collar,
164
00:06:25,632 --> 00:06:27,233
dance naked in the moonlight
165
00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:29,902
and give in
to your carnal desires
166
00:06:29,969 --> 00:06:33,706
exploring the
feral passion, raw
167
00:06:33,773 --> 00:06:35,241
Uh, I'm uncomfortable
168
00:06:35,308 --> 00:06:38,144
and would like
to get to the other paw.
169
00:06:38,211 --> 00:06:42,015
On the other paw,
you have structure, stability,
170
00:06:42,081 --> 00:06:45,918
and the knowledge that
happiness comes from within,
171
00:06:45,985 --> 00:06:47,920
not Altadena.
172
00:06:48,588 --> 00:06:49,822
Sorry we're late.
173
00:06:49,889 --> 00:06:53,359
But check out what we found
at our house.
174
00:06:53,426 --> 00:06:56,129
Wait a minute. "Our" house?
What's going
175
00:06:56,195 --> 00:06:58,164
Tabitha's living
with The Gray One?
176
00:06:58,231 --> 00:07:00,299
Ooh! Fun.
I'd watch that show!
177
00:07:00,366 --> 00:07:01,300
Oh, this is rich!
178
00:07:01,367 --> 00:07:04,237
First Miss Pretty Kitty Litter
and now this?
179
00:07:04,303 --> 00:07:05,471
Are you done?
180
00:07:05,538 --> 00:07:07,674
I haven't seen a tumble
this bad since JLaw ate it
181
00:07:07,740 --> 00:07:09,208
when I tripped her
at the Oscars.
182
00:07:09,275 --> 00:07:10,276
[hisses]
183
00:07:10,343 --> 00:07:11,477
Easy, Tabs.
184
00:07:11,544 --> 00:07:13,212
Remember the no claws clause.
185
00:07:13,279 --> 00:07:14,113
Hey, nice spread.
186
00:07:14,180 --> 00:07:16,416
Me and Georgie
are lookin' snazzy.
187
00:07:16,482 --> 00:07:18,785
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
188
00:07:18,851 --> 00:07:20,553
It says you died.
189
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:22,021
What?
Get outta here.
190
00:07:22,088 --> 00:07:24,590
I live in a third grade
classroom most of the year.
191
00:07:24,657 --> 00:07:28,194
R.I.P. stands
for "Really Is Dead."
192
00:07:28,261 --> 00:07:29,262
The P is silent.
193
00:07:29,328 --> 00:07:31,130
What?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
194
00:07:31,197 --> 00:07:33,032
I mean, I'm obviously alive.
195
00:07:33,099 --> 00:07:35,401
I'm sitting here talking
to you guys.
196
00:07:35,468 --> 00:07:37,603
Right?
Right?
197
00:07:37,670 --> 00:07:39,472
Either that
or you're a ghost.
198
00:07:39,539 --> 00:07:40,440
[paw slaps]
Ow!
199
00:07:40,506 --> 00:07:41,607
Not a ghost.
200
00:07:41,674 --> 00:07:43,609
Maybe we are victims
of long con.
201
00:07:43,676 --> 00:07:45,144
He might be an imposter.
202
00:07:45,211 --> 00:07:47,280
An impigster, if you will.
203
00:07:47,346 --> 00:07:49,382
Oh, I definitely will!
204
00:07:49,449 --> 00:07:51,084
An imposter?
Please.
205
00:07:51,150 --> 00:07:53,119
I live in George Clooney's
mansion.
206
00:07:53,186 --> 00:07:55,888
And, sure, George spends most
of his time in England lately,
207
00:07:55,955 --> 00:07:57,957
but we've had lots
of great times together.
208
00:07:58,024 --> 00:08:00,293
We've had chicken fights
with Tobey Mags!
209
00:08:00,359 --> 00:08:01,994
We drank out of
the Stanley Cup.
210
00:08:02,061 --> 00:08:04,997
We even went to a celebrity
roast of my Uncle Charlie!
211
00:08:05,064 --> 00:08:07,100
This must be
some sort of prank.
212
00:08:07,166 --> 00:08:09,235
Prove it.
Well, prank or not,
213
00:08:09,302 --> 00:08:11,270
this really seems like
it's bringing up
214
00:08:11,337 --> 00:08:12,772
some emotions for you.
215
00:08:12,839 --> 00:08:14,574
Whoever you are.
216
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,242
And coming up on the right,
217
00:08:16,309 --> 00:08:19,278
you'll see an autographed
poster for "Ocean's Twelve."
218
00:08:19,345 --> 00:08:21,581
CZ Jones is my godmother.
219
00:08:21,647 --> 00:08:24,717
And here we have
the Hall of Fame.
220
00:08:24,784 --> 00:08:28,454
Hmm. Something
in this picture is not right.
221
00:08:28,521 --> 00:08:29,756
What are you talking about?
222
00:08:29,822 --> 00:08:32,692
Wait, what's that?
Right there on his leg?
223
00:08:32,759 --> 00:08:33,626
Is that a[gasps]
224
00:08:33,693 --> 00:08:36,629
that's a birthmark!
You don't have that.
225
00:08:36,696 --> 00:08:38,131
It's the same
with all of them.
226
00:08:38,197 --> 00:08:42,135
Look. Birthmark.
Birthmark. Birthmark!
227
00:08:42,201 --> 00:08:45,171
Butbut I remember being
all these places.
228
00:08:45,238 --> 00:08:48,808
Do you remember any parties
besides these?
229
00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:50,109
Of course!
230
00:08:50,176 --> 00:08:51,277
I mean,
231
00:08:51,344 --> 00:08:53,513
I went to Gwyneth Paltrow's
vagina's birthday party!
232
00:08:53,579 --> 00:08:54,413
Buddy.
233
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,549
[horror movie music]
234
00:08:56,616 --> 00:08:58,351
II dontI don't
235
00:08:58,417 --> 00:08:59,352
♪
236
00:08:59,418 --> 00:09:02,121
[groaning frightfully]
237
00:09:02,188 --> 00:09:04,090
Holy hell.
238
00:09:04,157 --> 00:09:04,957
[groans]
239
00:09:05,024 --> 00:09:07,894
I want to be alone!
Please!
240
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,495
Maybe we should follow him?
241
00:09:09,562 --> 00:09:13,000
Come, I want to scratch
my back on People Choice Award.
242
00:09:18,005 --> 00:09:20,616
Oh, God! Oh, God!
243
00:09:20,683 --> 00:09:25,321
Is my whole life a lie?
This can't be happening!
244
00:09:25,387 --> 00:09:27,856
Wait a second.
This isn't a statue.
245
00:09:27,923 --> 00:09:32,328
This is a tombstone.
R. I. P.
246
00:09:32,394 --> 00:09:35,464
I really is dead.
247
00:09:35,531 --> 00:09:38,667
Who am I?
248
00:09:38,734 --> 00:09:41,870
Do you hear that wailing?
I think that's Max.
249
00:09:41,937 --> 00:09:44,907
He doesn't sound sure.
Tabs, come on.
250
00:09:44,974 --> 00:09:46,742
I know he's not
your favorite pig,
251
00:09:46,809 --> 00:09:48,877
but we should probably
go check on him.
252
00:09:48,944 --> 00:09:50,613
Or, you could join me
in the
253
00:09:50,679 --> 00:09:51,981
[water splashes]
254
00:09:52,047 --> 00:09:55,317
Huh.
What does this button do?
255
00:09:55,384 --> 00:09:58,120
It is nice, right?
Whoa.
256
00:09:58,187 --> 00:09:59,955
So relaxing.
257
00:10:00,022 --> 00:10:00,789
both: What?
258
00:10:00,856 --> 00:10:03,926
[soft upbeat music]
259
00:10:03,993 --> 00:10:05,060
[dogs barking]
260
00:10:05,127 --> 00:10:07,129
It's all about leverage.
You got this, Peanut!
261
00:10:07,196 --> 00:10:10,132
Oh, hey, Honey.
Diablo? Is that you?
262
00:10:10,199 --> 00:10:12,201
In the fur.
263
00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:13,135
Doesn't your mom send you
264
00:10:13,202 --> 00:10:15,137
to obedience school
in the afternoon?
265
00:10:15,204 --> 00:10:18,607
Not anymore because
I. Chose. My. Dad.
266
00:10:18,674 --> 00:10:21,910
And he no longer
has to compromise on my look.
267
00:10:21,977 --> 00:10:23,379
What?
That's right.
268
00:10:23,445 --> 00:10:25,814
And I am having the time
of my life!
269
00:10:25,881 --> 00:10:27,750
Yep, I barked at a tree
all night,
270
00:10:27,816 --> 00:10:29,385
I humped a loaf of bread,
271
00:10:29,451 --> 00:10:31,654
and I can eat candy
whenever I want.
272
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,989
No momma to check my poopoo!
273
00:10:34,056 --> 00:10:34,990
Twix?
274
00:10:35,057 --> 00:10:35,824
No, thank you.
275
00:10:35,891 --> 00:10:37,059
I can't eat chocolate.
276
00:10:37,126 --> 00:10:39,194
And neither should you.
[chuckles]
277
00:10:39,261 --> 00:10:40,796
No dog should.
278
00:10:40,863 --> 00:10:43,365
And, Honey,
I owe it all to you.
279
00:10:43,432 --> 00:10:44,733
What? No.
No, no.
280
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,201
I said you should
choose stability.
281
00:10:46,268 --> 00:10:49,004
Wow, then we totally got
our signals crossed.
282
00:10:49,071 --> 00:10:50,372
[pleasant music]
283
00:10:50,439 --> 00:10:52,675
Well, I'm gonna take
this mushy tushy
284
00:10:52,741 --> 00:10:55,844
and see what we can score
at the ice cream truck.
285
00:10:55,911 --> 00:10:56,879
[grunts]
286
00:10:56,945 --> 00:10:58,180
♪
287
00:10:59,581 --> 00:11:04,253
Nice and quiet.
Time for a nap.
288
00:11:04,319 --> 00:11:05,554
Hello?
289
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:07,222
Lenny?
290
00:11:07,289 --> 00:11:09,024
Impossible.
Lenny's dead.
291
00:11:09,091 --> 00:11:11,660
I know you think I'm dead
because Sprinkles ate me.
292
00:11:11,727 --> 00:11:13,062
But I can assure you,
293
00:11:13,128 --> 00:11:15,731
due to the snake's agonizingly
slow digestive process,
294
00:11:15,798 --> 00:11:17,633
I am very much alive.
295
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:21,303
Okay. Well then, um,
if you could keep it down.
296
00:11:21,370 --> 00:11:23,739
What? Are you kidding me?
You gotta get me outta here!
297
00:11:23,806 --> 00:11:28,010
Whether Lenny lives or dies
is entirely up to you.
298
00:11:28,077 --> 00:11:30,713
God?
[clears throat] Excuse me.
299
00:11:30,779 --> 00:11:32,648
No.
It's just your ol' pal, Shel...
300
00:11:32,715 --> 00:11:34,049
[munching]
301
00:11:34,116 --> 00:11:36,552
Chomping on a discarded
ice cream cone
302
00:11:36,618 --> 00:11:39,021
reminding you that
you talked a big game
303
00:11:39,088 --> 00:11:41,924
about wanting to save Lenny
in group this morning.
304
00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:45,060
And now you have the chance
to bring him back!
305
00:11:45,127 --> 00:11:48,464
Character is what you do
when nobody is watching.
306
00:11:48,530 --> 00:11:51,600
You're watching!
[chuckles] Touché.
307
00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:55,270
It's also what you do
when somebody is watching.
308
00:11:55,337 --> 00:11:57,639
And you're not gonna shut up
unless I try, huh?
309
00:11:57,706 --> 00:11:58,941
Nope.
310
00:11:59,007 --> 00:12:01,443
And, as I'm sure you've heard
around the garden,
311
00:12:01,510 --> 00:12:02,911
I've got stamina.
312
00:12:02,978 --> 00:12:04,713
Everything smells like vomit
in here,
313
00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:06,882
which is making me want
to vomit.
314
00:12:06,949 --> 00:12:08,016
[retches]
315
00:12:08,083 --> 00:12:10,385
Now I'm vomiting.
Inside a snake.
316
00:12:10,452 --> 00:12:11,420
It's a hellscape.
317
00:12:11,487 --> 00:12:12,454
Ugh.
318
00:12:12,521 --> 00:12:14,656
[soft downbeat music]
I can't believe it.
319
00:12:14,723 --> 00:12:17,793
I'm Max, but I'm not the Max.
320
00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:20,462
So you finally
figured it out.
321
00:12:20,529 --> 00:12:21,897
Who are you?
322
00:12:21,964 --> 00:12:24,199
Doug Ross.
Doctor Doug Ross.
323
00:12:24,266 --> 00:12:25,667
How did you get in here?
324
00:12:25,734 --> 00:12:27,236
Well,
my human jumped the fence
325
00:12:27,302 --> 00:12:28,771
and I was along for the ride.
326
00:12:28,837 --> 00:12:30,773
She's Clooney's
biggest stalker.
327
00:12:30,839 --> 00:12:31,907
She's in the mansion right now.
328
00:12:31,974 --> 00:12:34,977
I didn't know
George had cats.
329
00:12:35,043 --> 00:12:36,945
Am I slipping?
330
00:12:37,012 --> 00:12:40,048
Oh! You're with Marybeth.
She's a nice lady.
331
00:12:40,115 --> 00:12:42,284
Aw, chins up, kid,
it's not that bad.
332
00:12:42,351 --> 00:12:43,118
You were a gift.
333
00:12:43,185 --> 00:12:45,120
When the original Max
passed away,
334
00:12:45,187 --> 00:12:46,321
Clooney was heartbroken,
335
00:12:46,388 --> 00:12:49,725
so Don Cheadle gave you
to Clooney as a replacement.
336
00:12:49,792 --> 00:12:52,094
So all my memories
aren't really mine?
337
00:12:52,161 --> 00:12:54,797
But my skyhigh selfesteem
came from me
338
00:12:54,863 --> 00:12:56,932
believing I was better
than everyone else.
339
00:12:56,999 --> 00:12:58,834
You know,
because I was a celebrity.
340
00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:02,504
[sobbing]
And now, I'm just a standin.
341
00:13:02,571 --> 00:13:04,573
Oh hey,
if it's any consolation,
342
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,475
Marybeth is plotting
to kidnap you.
343
00:13:06,542 --> 00:13:08,177
[soft upbeat music]
344
00:13:08,243 --> 00:13:10,746
And then Diablo
just mlarfed a snow cone
345
00:13:10,813 --> 00:13:12,281
right out of a toddler's hand
346
00:13:12,347 --> 00:13:16,385
and all his human dad said was,
"That's mah boy."
347
00:13:16,451 --> 00:13:17,820
Ohho.
Legend.
348
00:13:17,886 --> 00:13:19,788
No, no, no, Chief.
Not legend.
349
00:13:19,855 --> 00:13:21,256
Reckless and irresponsible.
350
00:13:21,323 --> 00:13:23,859
Was his tail wagging?
Oh, like Jill's hips
351
00:13:23,926 --> 00:13:26,195
when she listens
to uptempo Indigo Girls.
352
00:13:26,261 --> 00:13:27,896
Well, that means he's happy!
353
00:13:27,963 --> 00:13:29,398
There ain't nothing
wrong with that.
354
00:13:29,464 --> 00:13:31,133
Um, no, no, no, no.
355
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,336
Tailwagging is actually way
more nuanced than that.
356
00:13:34,403 --> 00:13:38,106
For example, if a tail wags to
the left, it indicates concern.
357
00:13:38,173 --> 00:13:41,143
If it wags to the right,
it indicates curiosity.
358
00:13:41,210 --> 00:13:44,680
Either way, Diablo's eventually
going to have to pay the piper.
359
00:13:44,746 --> 00:13:47,783
So?
People pay pipers all the time.
360
00:13:47,850 --> 00:13:50,052
I mean, how else
do pipers stay in business?
361
00:13:50,118 --> 00:13:54,656
Look, I think I know
what's really goin' on here.
362
00:13:57,025 --> 00:14:00,128
You're jealous of Diablo.
You want what he's got.
363
00:14:00,195 --> 00:14:02,264
[sighs]
Oh, no.
364
00:14:02,331 --> 00:14:03,198
[chuckles]
365
00:14:03,265 --> 00:14:04,733
No, I don't have the face
for sunglasses.
366
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,269
No, I mean,
quit being so tame.
367
00:14:07,336 --> 00:14:08,337
Live in the moment.
368
00:14:08,403 --> 00:14:09,738
Eat a Qtip once in a while,
369
00:14:09,805 --> 00:14:12,841
nap on a table,
steal Jill's Invisalign.
370
00:14:12,908 --> 00:14:16,111
But if that's what you're into,
you are gonna have to wait.
371
00:14:16,178 --> 00:14:17,446
[sparking chimes]
372
00:14:17,512 --> 00:14:18,413
[chuckles]
373
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,617
[snoring]
374
00:14:21,683 --> 00:14:24,820
[pensive folk guitar music]
375
00:14:24,887 --> 00:14:31,960
♪
376
00:14:42,371 --> 00:14:43,639
There he is.
377
00:14:43,705 --> 00:14:44,940
How you doin', big guy?
378
00:14:45,007 --> 00:14:49,111
Honestly, this
is the worst day of my life.
379
00:14:49,177 --> 00:14:50,646
♪
380
00:14:50,712 --> 00:14:54,283
Party's over, Dave.
Go home.
381
00:14:54,349 --> 00:14:55,417
Aw.
382
00:14:55,484 --> 00:14:57,619
Poor pig.
He is down.
383
00:14:57,686 --> 00:14:59,021
Now I can destroy him.
384
00:14:59,087 --> 00:15:00,923
What?
What? He is joker.
385
00:15:00,989 --> 00:15:03,358
Now it's Tabitha's turn
to make the mean haha.
386
00:15:03,425 --> 00:15:04,526
You know, Tabitha?
387
00:15:04,593 --> 00:15:09,831
Under all that beautiful fur,
you're a real ugly cat.
388
00:15:09,898 --> 00:15:11,199
♪
389
00:15:11,266 --> 00:15:12,367
Uh, excuse me,
390
00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:14,836
have you seen a naked woman
with a "Syriana" tote bag?
391
00:15:14,903 --> 00:15:17,272
In the kitchen.
Licking all the fruit.
392
00:15:22,244 --> 00:15:23,512
[soft upbeat music]
393
00:15:23,578 --> 00:15:25,213
[downbeat notes]
394
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,915
I hope you're happy.
395
00:15:26,982 --> 00:15:28,583
You left the house without me
this morning
396
00:15:28,650 --> 00:15:32,120
and your lady chose me
as "cat of the day."
397
00:15:32,187 --> 00:15:33,722
♪ What do you say
398
00:15:33,789 --> 00:15:35,590
♪ who's cat of the day?
399
00:15:35,657 --> 00:15:36,658
♪ It's you!
400
00:15:36,725 --> 00:15:40,395
When I was kitten,
I wanted to be a scientist.
401
00:15:40,462 --> 00:15:42,564
Couldn't happen
to a nicer cat.
402
00:15:42,631 --> 00:15:44,533
Well, it looks like
everyone is here.
403
00:15:44,599 --> 00:15:46,468
Well, except Diablo,
who's probably enjoying
404
00:15:46,535 --> 00:15:49,638
a chocolatecovered chicken
bone in a motorcycle sidecar.
405
00:15:49,705 --> 00:15:52,407
You know who else
is enjoying himself? Lenny!
406
00:15:52,474 --> 00:15:54,943
Lenny is still alive?
I saved him.
407
00:15:55,010 --> 00:15:58,013
Only after
I Jiminy Cricketed her.
408
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,816
See, I learned
from my third grade class
409
00:16:00,882 --> 00:16:04,319
that reptiles can only digest
stuff in a warm environment.
410
00:16:04,386 --> 00:16:05,887
If it's cold,
they'll throw up,
411
00:16:05,954 --> 00:16:07,889
so I needed
to make it freezing.
412
00:16:07,956 --> 00:16:09,324
To get to the thermostat,
413
00:16:09,391 --> 00:16:11,360
I jumped onto
an old trampoline.
414
00:16:11,426 --> 00:16:12,961
Did you just miss
the trampoline?
415
00:16:13,028 --> 00:16:14,029
[laughs]
416
00:16:14,096 --> 00:16:16,365
Then I decided
to break the thermostat
417
00:16:16,431 --> 00:16:18,233
by throwing a golf ball at it.
418
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:19,234
[grunts]
419
00:16:19,301 --> 00:16:20,302
[yelps]
420
00:16:20,369 --> 00:16:22,170
Sounds like a golf ball
just hit you in the face.
421
00:16:22,237 --> 00:16:23,305
[chuckles]
Classic.
422
00:16:23,372 --> 00:16:25,340
[straining]
423
00:16:25,407 --> 00:16:27,376
[screaming]
424
00:16:27,442 --> 00:16:29,111
[laughter]
425
00:16:29,177 --> 00:16:30,545
I love slapstick.
426
00:16:30,612 --> 00:16:33,682
Is that Shel? Hey, Shel!
Hey, Lenny!
427
00:16:33,749 --> 00:16:35,050
[dramatic music]
428
00:16:35,117 --> 00:16:38,987
And I eventually
made things cold.
429
00:16:39,054 --> 00:16:40,922
[retching]
430
00:16:40,989 --> 00:16:44,426
Sprinkles puked
and out flew Lenny.
431
00:16:44,493 --> 00:16:45,794
Stuck the landing!
432
00:16:47,462 --> 00:16:48,463
It's all true.
433
00:16:48,530 --> 00:16:52,200
Young lady, you should be
very proud of yourself.
434
00:16:52,267 --> 00:16:53,402
Thanks a lot, Shel.
435
00:16:53,468 --> 00:16:54,469
Well,
436
00:16:54,536 --> 00:16:56,104
let's not fall completely
in love with ourselves.
437
00:16:56,171 --> 00:16:58,740
Ew, ew! What is that?
It's Lenny!
438
00:16:58,807 --> 00:17:00,542
Oh, yeah.
He follows me everywhere now
439
00:17:00,609 --> 00:17:01,810
because he's halfdigested
440
00:17:01,877 --> 00:17:04,046
and needs someone
to help him blink.
441
00:17:05,647 --> 00:17:07,916
[sighs]
That's the stuff.
442
00:17:07,983 --> 00:17:08,784
Ugh.
443
00:17:08,850 --> 00:17:10,018
All right,
I'll bring it up
444
00:17:10,085 --> 00:17:12,020
since everyone else
is obviously afraid to.
445
00:17:12,087 --> 00:17:14,689
Turns out I'm not the one
and only Max.
446
00:17:14,756 --> 00:17:15,924
I'm his replacement.
447
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:17,893
What?
There are two Maxes?
448
00:17:17,959 --> 00:17:21,167
Ah, you're a replacement pet
just like Bubbles.
449
00:17:21,234 --> 00:17:22,302
What?
Yep.
450
00:17:22,369 --> 00:17:25,138
So if anyone wants to
make jokes, the floor is open.
451
00:17:25,205 --> 00:17:28,475
Tabs, I know you must
be chompin' at the bit.
452
00:17:28,541 --> 00:17:31,144
Um
Really? Nothing?
453
00:17:31,211 --> 00:17:32,445
Ah, let me help
get you started:
454
00:17:32,512 --> 00:17:34,814
Anyone order some imitation
bacon?
455
00:17:34,881 --> 00:17:36,082
Or how about
Okay!
456
00:17:36,149 --> 00:17:37,717
At least you still got
your owner's attention.
457
00:17:37,784 --> 00:17:40,286
Trust me, Max, it's way better
to be replacement pet
458
00:17:40,353 --> 00:17:42,856
than one who is replaced.
459
00:17:42,922 --> 00:17:43,990
Yeah.
460
00:17:44,057 --> 00:17:46,192
And think about how much you
must've cost Don Cheadle,
461
00:17:46,259 --> 00:17:47,527
traveling the world
462
00:17:47,594 --> 00:17:49,829
trying to find a dead ringer
for the original Max.
463
00:17:49,896 --> 00:17:54,334
I mean, you're probably the
most expensive pig in history.
464
00:17:54,401 --> 00:17:57,671
Thanks, guys. I'm feelin'
better than you again already.
465
00:17:57,737 --> 00:18:00,106
I don't think we should
measure our worth in money.
466
00:18:00,173 --> 00:18:01,508
Spoken like a true rescue.
467
00:18:01,574 --> 00:18:02,842
Whoo!
Sorry I'm late!
468
00:18:02,909 --> 00:18:05,178
I was at the vet's.
I had to get my stomach pumped.
469
00:18:05,245 --> 00:18:06,680
Aha!
470
00:18:06,746 --> 00:18:08,181
I was right!
[chuckles]
471
00:18:08,248 --> 00:18:09,416
Which brings me no joy.
472
00:18:09,482 --> 00:18:11,351
But still, totally worth it!
473
00:18:11,418 --> 00:18:14,354
I'd eat that tube of Preppy H
all over again.
474
00:18:14,421 --> 00:18:16,389
What? So you've learned
nothing from this?
475
00:18:16,456 --> 00:18:17,924
Oh, I learned something.
476
00:18:17,991 --> 00:18:19,993
I learned that
rules are made by humans
477
00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:21,961
who just want
to keep their vet bills low
478
00:18:22,028 --> 00:18:23,463
and their carpets clean!
479
00:18:23,530 --> 00:18:25,765
But guess what?
We're animals, y'all!
480
00:18:25,832 --> 00:18:29,502
If it feels good, do it.
If it feels bad, do it again.
481
00:18:29,569 --> 00:18:33,106
Dance party!
Elsa, break it down!
482
00:18:33,173 --> 00:18:34,874
Why am I panting?
483
00:18:34,941 --> 00:18:36,509
Max, enjoy the view.
484
00:18:36,576 --> 00:18:38,712
[dance music]
485
00:18:38,778 --> 00:18:43,349
Feels good to be halfalive!
Dance me, Nibbles!
486
00:18:43,416 --> 00:18:44,384
Huh.
487
00:18:44,451 --> 00:18:46,953
♪
488
00:18:47,020 --> 00:18:47,954
♪ Yeah
489
00:18:48,021 --> 00:18:51,624
[snoring]
490
00:18:51,691 --> 00:18:55,295
I don't know.
Are bellbottoms really me?
491
00:18:55,361 --> 00:18:58,631
[distant howling]
492
00:18:59,866 --> 00:19:02,869
Okay, Honey.
Let's go wild.
493
00:19:02,936 --> 00:19:06,606
[suspenseful music]
494
00:19:06,673 --> 00:19:09,075
[upbeat '80s music]
495
00:19:09,142 --> 00:19:16,015
♪
496
00:19:16,082 --> 00:19:17,817
[exhales deeply]
497
00:19:17,884 --> 00:19:20,053
[music slowing down]
498
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,889
You ready?
No.
499
00:19:22,956 --> 00:19:24,290
No, I'm not.
500
00:19:24,357 --> 00:19:27,360
Ah. I thought I was,
but I'm not an animal.
501
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:29,262
I mean, I'm an
I am an animal,
502
00:19:29,329 --> 00:19:31,431
but I'm also a pet.
503
00:19:31,498 --> 00:19:35,168
Obedience and belly rubs
are in my DNA.
504
00:19:35,235 --> 00:19:36,636
I don't understand.
505
00:19:36,703 --> 00:19:38,605
My voice is so deep
and seductive.
506
00:19:38,671 --> 00:19:41,107
I mean, I can make
anything sound sexy.
507
00:19:41,174 --> 00:19:42,675
Grandparent's Day.
508
00:19:42,742 --> 00:19:43,676
Ooh.
509
00:19:43,877 --> 00:19:48,081
No, no. Running off with you
sounds dangerous and fun,
510
00:19:48,148 --> 00:19:51,151
but my life is here, Armando.
511
00:19:51,217 --> 00:19:52,685
Oh, yeah,
I didn't know your name,
512
00:19:52,752 --> 00:19:54,154
so I named you Armando.
513
00:19:54,220 --> 00:19:57,056
I like it.
Oh, good. [chuckles]
514
00:19:57,123 --> 00:20:00,360
Um, but my life is here,
Armando,
515
00:20:00,426 --> 00:20:03,062
with the person
and animals I love.
516
00:20:03,129 --> 00:20:05,198
Armando.
Okay. [chuckles]
517
00:20:05,265 --> 00:20:06,800
But you're lying to yourself.
518
00:20:06,866 --> 00:20:07,934
[chuckles]
Says Armando.
519
00:20:08,001 --> 00:20:10,236
When you were talking about
running away with me,
520
00:20:10,303 --> 00:20:11,404
your tail was wagging.
521
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:14,174
In fact,
it's wagging right now.
522
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:15,341
Ooh!
Ugh!
523
00:20:15,408 --> 00:20:16,843
Okay, well, you know,
524
00:20:16,910 --> 00:20:20,346
tailwagging's actually
way more nuanced than that.
525
00:20:20,413 --> 00:20:22,382
I know all about
tailwagging.
526
00:20:22,448 --> 00:20:25,451
If a tail wags to the left,
it indicates concern.
527
00:20:25,518 --> 00:20:27,253
If it wags to the right
528
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,454
both: Curiosity.
529
00:20:28,521 --> 00:20:32,525
And a tail wagging that fast?
That's downright ecstat
530
00:20:32,592 --> 00:20:35,695
Stop it!
Just leave me alone!
531
00:20:35,762 --> 00:20:37,497
Armando.
532
00:20:41,534 --> 00:20:42,902
[sighs]
533
00:20:42,969 --> 00:20:45,538
All right, you were not
very helpful back there.
534
00:20:45,605 --> 00:20:47,340
Ah, don't get cute with me.
535
00:20:47,407 --> 00:20:49,609
That's it, you're going down!
536
00:20:50,743 --> 00:20:53,246
You can do it, Honey!
Vary your speed!
537
00:20:57,417 --> 00:21:01,704
Thank you for teaching me
to be compassionate to fat pig.
538
00:21:01,771 --> 00:21:04,374
[purring]
539
00:21:04,441 --> 00:21:05,575
♪ What do you say
540
00:21:05,642 --> 00:21:07,844
♪ Who's cat of the day
[cats yowling]
541
00:21:07,911 --> 00:21:11,281
♪ What do you say,
who's cat of the day? ♪
542
00:21:11,347 --> 00:21:12,882
Oh, thank God.
That was so close.
543
00:21:12,949 --> 00:21:14,217
[gasps]
544
00:21:14,284 --> 00:21:16,219
[horror movie music]
545
00:21:16,286 --> 00:21:18,021
It's you!
546
00:21:18,088 --> 00:21:19,155
[carpet rips]
[screaming]
547
00:21:19,222 --> 00:21:22,225
[muffled screaming]
548
00:21:22,292 --> 00:21:24,028
[gasps]
Guys!
549
00:21:24,094 --> 00:21:27,631
There's so much popcorn
down there! Come on!
550
00:21:27,698 --> 00:21:30,901
[upbeat music]
551
00:21:36,507 --> 00:21:37,441
That's nice, Jen and Gabby.
552
00:21:37,491 --> 00:21:42,041
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