Original subtitles

(whimsical music)

(mysterious music)

(telephone ringing)

- [Troy] Hello?

- Hi, Troy, I heard you were having a party tomorrow night.

- [Troy] Where'd you hear that?

- Oh, you know, I have my ways.

- [Troy] Uh.

- Well, are you gonna invite us,

or are you gonna leave us hanging?

- [Troy] Us?

- You know, the girls, silly, Cameron and Sandra.

(Troy groans)

Unless you don't want us to.

I mean, if you think it might bother Tonya.

- [Troy] No, um, I want you to come.

- Good, maybe we can find a little quiet time.

You know, get away from the group, et cetera (giggles),

because I have something that I've been wanting to tell you.

- [Troy] Something you wanna tell me?

- Bye, Troy (giggles).

- Oh my God.

- Nice one, Beck.

- I am totally dragging you to try out for the spring play.

Mr. Blackmore would love you.

- Oh, memorizing lines aren't really my thing.

I just like, like, make up stuff on the fly.

It's more exciting that way.

- Troy is having a minor heart attack right now.

- I know, right, he's going,

uh, something, uh, something you have to tell me?

Yeah, maybe I'd like to show him something.

- [Cameron] (giggles) Shame, shame.

- (giggles) Okay, so, we have Troy's party tomorrow night,

but what're we gonna do with our Saturday?

(tree branch creaking)

Any ideas?

(tree branch creaking)

- I thought I heard something.

(mysterious music)

Maybe Troy and his buddies are coming over

to try and sneak a peak.

- Oh, please, Beck just called him at home

like 30 seconds ago.

- It was like a, like a crunching.

(tree branch creaking)

(Becca crunches popcorn)

I'm serious!

- Oh relax, they'd have to get past the main house

just to get back here.

Past my all seeing parents.

They'd have to be pretty sneaky.

(Becca crunches popcorn)

(mysterious music)

Something adventurous.

- We could explore The Morgantown woods.

See if the rumors are true.

- That I like.

- We could go undercover.

I can dress like the Ninja.

- The Ninja is so lame.

We'd be like a team of female assassins.

- Nice, I've got a bunch of old clothes out here,

like black hood sweatshirts and stuff.

(mysterious music)

(tree branch creaking)

(mysterious music)

- [Guard] Rise and shine, Freaky Farley.

You've got a visitor coming in today.

(mysterious music)

(suspenseful music)

- Farley, my name is Dr. Timson.

I'm one of the most respected doctors in the region.

- Are you married?

- Oh, yes, I am, but I don't believe that's any of your--

- May I call you Mrs. Timson?

- I would prefer Dr. Timson.

- I like Mrs. Timson.

- Oh, I suppose that is acceptable.

- Thank you, Mrs. Timson

- Do you know why I'm here?

- Same reason all the other

so called doctors have been here.

- And why is that?

- Because you wanna find out how my sick mind works.

- I suppose you could put it that way, Farley.

- That's right, Mrs. Timson.

- I happen to think I'm here to help you, Farley.

To find a way to channel your anger in a more healthful way.

- Blahty, blah, blah, blah.

- Listen, Farley, you can cooperate with me or not,

but it's in your best interest to cooperate.

- It's not like they'll ever

let me out of this place, Mrs. Timson.

I've done terrible things, terrible, terrible things.

Aren't you familiar with my case?

Don't you know what I'm capable of?

- I am familiar with your case, Farley,

but I'd like to hear it all from you.

Are you willing to do that for me?

- I suppose so, Mrs. Timson.

After all, there's nothing else for me to do in this, this.

- Place?

- [Farley] That's right, but in the future,

allow me to finish my own sentences.

- Fine, I'll be recording this, Farley.

Do you mind?

- Please do.

- Why don't we start with the death of your mother.

- You'll never replace her!

- You get ahold of yourself, young man!

- I'm not a young man, Mrs. Timson.

I'm old, very old.

Well, maybe not yet,

but where I am now is where I'll be when I'm very old.

I wasn't very old when Mom died though.

I was just a boy.

(mysterious music)

Think of that, Mrs. Timson.

For a young boy to lose his mother.

That's not the way it's suppose to happen.

I remember she had gone away the day before

to do some work on our family cabin.

I thought I'd wake up that morning,

and see that she'd returned.

Instead, it was my dad who woke me up.

He didn't say anything at first.

He just put his hand on my shoulder.

That was the last time

my father showed me any kind of understanding.

The next day I spilled some milk.

- Farley, how could you!

Look at this mess that you made!

Now, help me clean it up before your mother comes home.

- [Farley] You know how they say

you shouldn't cry over spilled milk?

- You've made a terrible mess.

Now, go out back and wait for your punishment.

- [Farley] Well, I ended up crying quite a bit that day,

but it wasn't because of the milk.

It was the way he punished me for it.

(suspenseful music)

- It's not about the milk, son.

It's the principal.

You've got to stop being so dreamy, so careless.

Sure, you may not be the brightest kid in your school.

You may not be the best on your baseball team.

If only you weren't so afraid of the ball,

but we'll toughen you up yet.

Dig me a hole about four feet wide and about four feet deep.

- Well, what's it for?

- Absolutely nothing, that's the point.

(mysterious music)

And another thing.

Would you change that shirt?

You've been wearing it for a week now.

(mysterious music)

- I don't think so, Dad.

The shirt stays.

It seems like so much of my childhood was spent at the hole.

Digging it out, filling it in,

and sometimes while I was digging,

Dad would stand over me giving advice

on how to live my life.

- And that's the thing about women.

I've seen those girls in your class, heartbreakers I bet.

Probably best to stay away from them.

Okay, son.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going?

I need you to fill the hole in, then come in for dinner.

(mysterious music)

Well, what do we have here?

- I hit a rock.

- What're you gonna do about it?

- I guess I'm gonna have to pick it out,

and then keep digging.

- Well, when you get four feet,

why don't you give me a holler,

and I'll come out and measure it,

then you can fill her in.

- [Farley] Yes, sir.

That's how things were,

overly strict rules, perverse punishments,

never catching a break.

I got used to it.

(mysterious music)

(upbeat pop music)

- Son, these came for you in the mail.

(upbeat pop music)

- Well, I was thinking maybe

I could just take a couple of courses.

- Son, what did we say about this?

You're too old for college.

You missed your chance.

Besides, who's gonna pay for this?

You don't even have a penny saved.

- But, Dad, if you just.

- Son, the answer's no.

You'll stay here until I can find you a job,

a practical job,

and you'll happily take it.

(suspenseful music)

- Whoa, whoa, watch where you're going, buddy.

- [Farley] Sorry.

- Sorry is not gonna cut it.

No, I think the situation calls for something more.

Maybe you should get back here,

and buy Betty and I a slice of pie.

That'll ease things over.

Help to subdue our feelings of rage.

- I don't have any money.

- Then I suggest you run,

and don't come this way,

till you're ready to make reparations to Air Force Ricky.

- Hey, Freaky Farley.

Freaky Farley, Freaky Farley,

Freaky Farley, Freaky Farley, mm, mm.

(mysterious music)

- Farley, come in here, please.

(mysterious music)

Come inside, son.

Time to discuss your future.

So, tell me how the job search is going.

- No leads yet, Dad.

- That's bad, Farley.

That's very bad.

Son, did you listen to my show last night?

- Of course I did.

- Well, apparently you didn't listen too well.

What with an 86 on this morning's quiz.

- Well, I guess my mind might've been drifting a little bit.

- Anyways, we discussed the importance

of persistence in job hunting.

Business leaders are so busy today, son,

that they don't have time to give some nobody

a call back looking for a job.

That nobody needs to keep on calling.

Show up unannounced.

Always be around until gosh darn it,

the businessman has no choice but to offer him the job.

Do you know what I mean, son?

- Yes, Dad, although I wouldn't

say it really help me get a job at the radio station.

- What do you mean by that?

- I'm the son of the most popular personality

at the station,

and I still didn't get the position.

- I had nothing to do with that.

President Tarkington selected Katie fair and square.

Besides, I tend to stay out of office politics.

Katie's much more suited

for that line of work than you are, son.

- Thanks a lot, Dad.

- But I do have something lined up for you.

- I understand it wasn't easy for you

to get me this opportunity,

but what is it?

- Well, it's quite an opportunity for any young man

with the drive to succeed.

- But what is it?

- Well, you remember Mrs. Green, right?

- No.

- Well, anyway, she's in charge of personnel

down there at the phone company.

You have an interview with her Thursday at two o'clock.

What I need for you to do today is go to the library,

and look up as much as you can about the phone industry.

You have got to go into that interview

armed with information.

You know, telecommunications is a fascinating field, son.

I mean just think about it.

Thanks to the telephone,

I can call my friend, Harvey, in Seattle,

and talk to him as if he's right here in the room with me.

- But Dad, I don't even want an office job.

You know what I really wanna do--

- Son, would you get your head out of the clouds?

I mean Park Rangers don't make very much,

and there are very few openings in that field.

Besides, you don't know a thing about the great outdoors.

- Well, that's because you don't take me to the cabin, so--

- I will not discuss this subject.

Now, go to the library,

and study up on the history of the telephone.

(mysterious music)

- Hey, check this guy out here.

- Oh my God (chuckles).

What a freak boy.

- Oh man (chuckles).

- [Farley] Dad could only boss me around so much.

I had better things to do than got to the library.

(mysterious music)

(timber creaking)

(mysterious music)

(moves into dramatic music)

- The trogs, the trogs.

- [Farley] What?

- These woods, they're infested with trogs!

- [Farley] Whatever, old man, get out of my way.

- I know you, you're the Wilder boy.

- [Farley] How do you know me?

- I love your father's radio show.

He's helped me with my life.

- [Farley] Yeah.

- It's a shame about your mother.

- What do you know about my mother?

- It's too sad to recount.

Those trogs, now that's a story worth telling.

- [Farley] I don't wanna hear

about your stinking trogs, old man.

Get out of my way.

- Hey kid, kid, can I walk with you a little while?

It gets lonely out here.

- Go away.

(mysterious music)

Stinking trogs.

- What did he mean by trogs?

- Shut up, lady.

Allow me to tell this story at my own pace, you understand?

- Go on.

- [Farley] Dad always thought I listened to his show

in the safety and comfort of my own bedroom.

Boy was he wrong.

Ever since I was 16,

when I got a portable radio with earphones for my birthday,

I spent my time walking the streets of Morgantown,

and I'm not ashamed to say it.

I saw a lot of very interesting things.

(mysterious music)

Well, I'm off to my interview.

- Good luck, son.

(Farley laughing)

- Let's see what Mrs. Green thinks of this.

Dad could force me to go to the job interview,

but he couldn't force me to make a good impression.

(mysterious music)

- So, Farley, your father tells me your eager to work here.

Is this true?

- Actually, Mrs. Green, I'm only here to see you.

I've always thought you were an incredibly attractive woman.

Now, what do you say

you ditch your husband tomorrow after work,

and meet me at lover's lane?

I'll be there waiting for you.

I had some thinking to do.

Dad wasn't going to be happy about my little stunt.

There would be repercussions.

I decided to take a ride down the river,

and let all my troubles disappear awhile,

but it turned out I was in for a rude surprise.

My tube was missing.

Where could it be?

No one ever came into these woods,

but then it dawned on me, the hobo.

He must've seen where I hid it.

I was ready to go look for him

when I got an unexpected visitor.

(horn blowing)

- Hey, Farley, I knew I'd find you here.

Can't believe you still hang out in these stupid woods.

You need to grown up.

- What do you want?

- Well, your dad told me to come look for you.

I heard you did a really good job at your interview,

and he wants to congratulate you, so come on.

I won't take no for an answer.

- Wait, let me get out of this outfit first.

I gotta get back in my suit.

- Your dad says a girl should never see a boy undress

before they're married, I'm leaving.

(mysterious music)

- Congratulations, son, have a seat, son.

I always knew my son would make a good impression.

Mrs. Green gave me a call.

She said that she never met a young man

with so much potential.

She also wanted to make sure

that you're gonna make that second interview

as you discussed.

- Oh, Freaky Farley, you're old enough to vote.

Vote for me in the next election.

- [Farley] Okay, Mr. Mayor.

(mysterious music)

(Farley gasps)

- That's a great drawing.

Does she know she's a model?

- Leave me alone.

- So, you're Freaky Farley?

I've been waiting to meet you for a long time.

- What're you talking about?

- I'm familiar with your work.

You're a legend around town.

- Who are you, Nancy Drew?

- I wish, I'm Scarlett Carter.

Can I walk around town tomorrow with you

and see you in action?

- I don't care.

It's a free country.

That Scarlett was quite a beauty, Mrs. Timson,

and smart, and interesting.

I couldn't help but be attracted to her,

but I was also kind of afraid of her.

She was so confident,

so knowledgeable on every little detail of Morgantown.

I had never met a girl like her before.

- There you are, Freaky Farley.

I've been looking for you all over the place.

Come on, let's go on my route.

(light guitar music)

I like to go up here past telescope guy,

turning left at the end of the street

near the heavy metal drummer,

and curl around past the witches place.

- [Farley] That witch is a real character.

No matter what time of year,

she always has Halloween decorations up.

- [Scarlett] I know, I've been studying her.

You ever notice when she goes downtown,

all the guys are falling all over her?

Have you seen how short her dresses are?

- I guess I really haven't noticed.

- Yeah right, all guys are suckers

for a girl in a witch costume.

They think that she'll seduce him or something.

I don't quite get her yet.

I mean does she really think she has powers,

or is it all just a show for attention?

- I think she thinks she has powers.

- Yeah, I guess that makes her a more innocent character.

It's not exactly the most exciting neighborhood,

but I'm able to save money and concentrate on my work.

I'm kind of writing a novel

about characters in a small town much like this one.

I'd say you're number three

on the list of local celebrities.

- [Farley] Oh, yeah?

- [Scarlett] Yeah, and ahead of you is definitely the Ninja.

You know him?

- [Farley] Ninja?

- [Scarlett] You know, that guy who goes around town

dressed as a Ninja,

hardly ever says anything, really weird.

- [Farley] Oh yeah, maybe I've seen him.

- [Scarlett] And ahead of the Ninja

is definitely the bearded hobo who lives down by the river.

- [Farley] I know that guy.

He stole my floating tube.

- [Scarlett] Well, I know where he lives.

I can take you there if you want.

- You mean now?

- Yeah, or are you afraid to go into the haunted woods?

- I'm not afraid.

It's just, well, I should be getting home.

My dad's probably gonna be mad if I don't get home soon.

- Okay, next time, see you around, Freaky Farley.

(suspenseful music)

- [Farley] It was the same old, same old with my dad.

He had me back out at the hole first thing next morning,

but it didn't bother me one single bit.

I was on cloud nine.

I couldn't stop thinking about Scarlett.

I had to find a way to see her again.

- You should really listen more closely to your dad's show.

Not only would you not do so much shoveling,

you might actually learn something from him.

- I listen to his advice all day long.

I don't need to listen to it at night too.

- Well, I'm really excited

to start working at the station next week.

Anyway, how's it going with the telephone company thing?

Your dad seems to think you got the job.

He's pretty proud.

- Not proud enough that he didn't punish me this morning.

- Well, you know, you're still living in his house.

You gotta live by his rules.

- Why don't you go away?

- Okay, I'm gonna go lay out my outfits for work next week.

- [Farley] I had nearly forgotten about Mrs. Green

from the phone company.

What was I going to do about her?

I told her to meet me after work that night,

and it seemed like she was really planning

to ditch her husband to go out with me.

She must've been in an unhappy marriage.

I decided to stake the place out.

See if she'd actually show up.

- Hey, what're you some kind of weirdo?

(mysterious music)

- Come on in, loverman.

Why don't we um, go to the hotel?

- Actually, Mrs. Green,

I came here today to tell you

that I don't really wanna date you.

I only acted that way in the interview,

because I didn't wanna get the job.

- Well, that's an interesting technique.

- Yeah, I didn't think you'd really be interested in me,

and I'm flattered that you were.

- Well, I'm glad I flattered you.

Now, if you don't mind,

I need to go home to my husband,

and see if he is still willing

to go on the romantic weekend getaway

that I canceled with him for you.

- I, um, I--

- You, you, you, here's what's gonna happen,

first thing Monday morning,

I'm gonna give your father a call,

and let him know that his son

has no future in the telephone industry,

or in any other job in this town if I can help it.

♪ Freaky Farley, where can he be ♪

♪ Outside my window staring at me ♪

♪ Freaky Farley, what's his plan ♪

♪ Peep as many girls as he possibly can ♪

(light xylophone music)

- Ooh, sorry, not usually that clumsy.

Come on, I'm gonna show you where the bearded hobo lives,

so we can get your tube back.

- I can't, my dad makes me

take a listening comprehension test every morning.

He's gonna be up any second.

- Forget him, let's go.

- Brush teeth, then go.

- Understand, good hygiene, then go.

(light xylophone music)

I suppose most hobos have beards,

but I think he's the only hobo in the entire town anyway,

and calling him just plain hobo

doesn't have such a good ring to it.

Don't you agree?

- [Farley] Yeah, the bearded hobo

sounds like a pretty good name to me.

- [Scarlett] So, I bet you're wondering

how I found out where you live.

- [Farley] Yeah, it had crossed my mind.

- I did a search on history's most notorious peeping Tom's,

and your name came up.

- Really?

- Yeah, no silly, I'm just joshing you.

Well, you said you had to go home

to listen to your dad's radio show,

and at that time of night

the only option is advice with Rick Wilder,

so I looked up Wilder in the phone book.

- Hmm, clever.

- I thought so.

There it is.

- That bearded hobo, what a jerk.

I can't believe I've never been here before.

I thought I knew every inch of the Morgantown Woods.

- We crossed that line a ways back.

These are the haunted woods of Fensdale.

Home to ax murderers, druids, and the bearded hobo.

- So, these are the Fensdale Woods?

I haven't been here in years.

My family's got a cabin out here,

but my dad doesn't let us go anymore.

- He probably doesn't wanna be killed.

- By whom?

- Take your pick.

There are some crazy cults that meet up here.

This one time on a big rock, I found black candles,

a pair of panties, and a can of sardines.

- Maybe some campers were planning

a romantic dinner or something.

- Yeah, right, and then there are the rumors

about the violent forest beasts.

- [Farley] Let's get outta here.

- What about your tube?

- Oh, we'll come back sometime when the bearded hobo's here,

and you know,

it would be better if I had the satisfaction

of watching him watch me take it away from him.

- Okay, I'll buy it.

I was getting ready to call you chicken.

- You know, um, if we keep on hanging out like this,

you'll have lots of chances to call me chicken.

Yeah, and anyway, I should be getting back,

because uh, forget about being murdered by monsters.

I got a dad back home who's probably planning to kill me.

- Home sweet home.

- Hey, looks like someone got up early today.

- [Farley] Yeah, I went for a little walk in the woods.

I'm sorry I didn't leave a note,

but I'm ready to take my test.

- Oh, no test today, son.

After all, you'll be employed soon.

A young man, not a boy anymore.

How'd that second interview go?

- [Farley] I'm not so sure I want the job.

- Oh, you'll take the job, young man.

It's okay to have dreams,

but better to have a regular paycheck.

- Yeah, I guess we'll be hearing from Mrs. Green on Monday.

- Good, I'm proud of you.

It feels good to say that.

I'm proud of you.

- Dad.

- Yeah, son.

- I was thinking about the cabin

that we used to go to with Mom.

It's in the Fensdale Woods, right?

- Whatever you're getting at the answer is no,

and I don't want you to bring it up again.

Do you hear me?

That cabin is in the middle of a dangerous stretch of woods.

You haven't been up there, have you?

- No, sir, I don't even remember where it is.

- Good.

- [Katie] Hey Farley, whatcha doing?

- [Farley] Leave me alone.

- [Katie] Golly, I was just gonna ask you

if you were gonna go see your girlfriend.

- [Farley] What're you talking about?

- [Katie] You know what I'm talking about.

Word around town is that you and Scarlett Carter

are a hot item.

- Where'd you hear that?

- I know people.

- Whatever.

- What's bothering you so much?

- It's nothing, it's just my dad and I got in a fight.

- What else is new?

- Well, it's different this time.

I brought up a subject that we never discuss.

- The cabin?

- How do you know about the cabin?

- Well, your dad and me, we confide.

- Yeah, ever since Mom died,

Dad never takes me there anymore.

I mean just because she got in a car accident

on the way home from the cabin?

I don't get it.

- All I can say is this, trust your dad.

He's a wonderful man.

- I'm going this way.

Mom had driven out to the cabin one weekend in May.

I remember because my birthday's on the third.

She was going to straighten things out for the summer.

The next day,

Dad told me she had died in a car accident

while driving home.

After that we never talked about Mom again.

I was feeling pretty low, Mrs. Timson,

but it didn't last.

- And why was that.

- Because I saw Scarlett again.

There was just something about that girl.

She seemed to make all my troubles disappear.

- Just a minute.

Let me reload the tape.

- But what if I wanna keep telling the story?

Like the time--

- No, no, wait, wait, wait till I load the tape.

- Are you ready now?

These were the best days of my life by far.

Just being around Scarlett was changing me for the better.

- So, besides walking, what do you like to do for fun?

Do you like to go to parties?

Have you ever been to a party?

Farley.

Do you like that girl?

You should go talk to her.

- Oh no, Scarlett, I couldn't do that.

I get kind of nervous around girls.

Besides, that dog looks ferocious.

- All you need is some practice.

Pretend I'm that girl.

- Um, I, uh.

- Forget that, I'll be you, you be her.

I'm Freaky Farley, I usually spy on girls through windows,

but now I'm gonna talk to you face to face.

Just kidding, more like this.

Oh, what a cute dog you have.

What kind is it?

- Uh, uh, I don't know.

- You don't know what kind of dog you have?

What kind of pet owner are you?

You wanna go to the movies?

- Sure, Scarlett, I'd love to go to the movies with you.

- Perfect, see how good it works?

Now, go ask her.

Aw shucks, we missed her.

You'll just have to talk to her next time.

Come here, there's something I wanna show you.

(mysterious music)

Oh my God, he's doing some kind of cat scratch thing,

like tiger kung foo or something.

Check it out.

- (chuckles) Silly Ninja.

- I think this is all for show.

I bet he couldn't even beat me up.

- Yeah, he looks like a total wimp, no offense.

- None taken, I'll test our little theory, watch this.

(whimsical music)

Hey Ninja, you think because you wear those ninja clothes

and do those stupid exercises

that nobody will challenge you to a fight?

Well, you're wrong.

I challenge you to a fight.

(whimsical music)

- All right.

- I did it, I intimidated Ninja.

Am I your hero, Farley?

[Farley] Um.

- I said, am I your hero?

- [Farley] Yeah, maybe I should put you down.

- I think that's a good idea.

- Scarlett!

- Farley, if this is about you

having some sort of crush on me,

you can forget it.

You're not man enough for me and you know it.

Now, come on, let's go get your tube back

from the bearded hobo.

- [Farley] Of course, her telling me that I wasn't worthy,

made me love her more.

She was everything I'd dreamed of in a girl.

I didn't even care that she belittled my meager attempt

at a profession of love.

She was right anyway.

I couldn't handle someone like her.

That weekend was the best weekend of my life.

Dad wouldn't find out

how I blew the job interview until Monday,

so I had two precious days of freedom

that I could spend entirely

with my new friend, my best friend, my dream girl.

(mysterious music)

(leaves rustling)

- [Hobo] What?

- [Scarlett] Ow, that hurt!

- Oh, it's you again.

Look, little lady, why don't you just stop terrorizing me!

I've got enough to handle

with this family of trogs out here.

You know, they're not babies anymore.

They're getting bigger and bigger and hungrier and hungrier.

- Yeah, yeah, the trogs.

I'm still mad you poked me.

I could sue you for all you're worth, you know.

- No, no, please don't, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were there.

I'll do anything.

- Why don't you take me to see the trogs, Mr. Bearded Hobo?

- Sure, sure, hey wait, why do you wanna go see the trogs?

Don't you know they're dangerous?

- I still wanna see them, or I'll sue.

- Oh, okay, okay.

- [Scarlett] Now!

- Nobody steals from Freaky Farley!

- You little minx.

- Sorry, I guess you'll have to show me your trogs

some other time, Mr. Hobo.

Do you always speak of yourself in the third person?

- [Farley] I thought it would be nice for dramatic effect.

- I liked it.

That guy's crazy.

He always talks about these trogs that he takes care of.

- I didn't know that you'd ever even talked to him before.

- Oh, yeah, I go out there and terrorize him all the time.

We need loonies out there.

It makes the world more interesting.

Let's go swimming.

- But Scarlett, I don't even have a bathing suit.

- Don't tell me you need a swimsuit, nature boy.

You practically live in the woods.

- Scarlett, uh, what do you mean?

Scarlett, the water's uh, the water's really cold.

(mysterious music)

- Wow, Farley, you have no problem

watching naked girls through their window,

but you have a lot more trouble when they're close up.

Tomorrow we'll steal the key to your dad's cabin,

and the next day we can go check the place out.

- Okay.

- I'll meet you at your place tomorrow.

Now, get out of here.

I'm suddenly quite ashamed of my nakedness.

- All right.

(mysterious music)

Just, just catching up on my reading.

- Son, it's time we talked about women.

- Dad, I've heard your opinion on relationships

every night on your radio show.

I think I know your views.

- A father has every right to talk to his son man to man.

- [Farley] Well, what is it?

- Well, I understand that you've been seeing a girl lately.

- [Farley] How do you know about that?

- That's not important.

A father has every right to know what his son is up to.

Now, let me tell you something.

I really believe that you should stay away

from that crazy girl,

and start seeing a nice, wholesome young woman.

- You don't know anything about Scarlett.

- I might not know much about her,

but I do know a lot about the girl next door.

She's a sweet, kind, young, intelligent woman

that would make a perfect daughter-in-law some day.

- Katie, are you serious?

She's the most annoying girl in the world.

- You may find my advice slightly annoying, son,

but someday you'll come to appreciate it.

Now, just consider Katie for awhile.

I'm not gonna punish you for your rudeness,

because you did so well on your job interview.

Someday you'll be an independent man,

and you'll make your own decisions.

My only hope is that you choose

to obey and respect you father.

- I'm gonna go take a walk in the woods.

(mellow music)

- Hey, Farley.

- [Farley] You were just listening

to this whole conversation?

You and my dad are unbelievable.

- You wanna come with me

for the Spencer Farm Moonlight Hayride?

- No, didn't you just hear me call you

the most annoying girl in the world?

Get out of here.

- Okay, deny your feelings if you must,

but you know where you can find me.

- [Farley] The next morning while Dad was away,

Scarlett showed up.

She wanted to find the key to the cabin and maybe a map.

I was a little scared, but I couldn't say no to her.

(suspenseful music)

- Now, if I was a key, where would I be?

- [Farley] Scarlett, we gotta be careful.

My dad will notice if anything's been moved.

- We'll find it.

(suspenseful music)

- [Rick] Farley!

- Oh man, that's my dad.

He doesn't let me have girls over the house.

He's gonna kill me.

(suspenseful music)

- So, this is your plan, Farley.

Wait till your father gets home and get me in the closet?

- Oh, Scarlett, I wouldn't do anything--

- Whatever, come on, we've got a window to climb out.

What do you think your dad would've done if he found us?

- [Farley] I don't even wanna think about it.

- [Scarlett] Do you think violence would've ensued?

- [Farley] A few years ago no,

but lately he's been goin so crazy, maybe.

- See that guy?

- Yeah.

- I call him the lyric poet.

He's really cool.

Always here composing poetry, probably about some girl.

- [Farley] Yeah, probably.

- I like a guy who goes to the library at least one a month.

Anyway, he's gonna be a major character in my book.

- Am I in your book?

- We'll have to wait and see.

Here's a map of Fensdale Woods.

Your dad's cabin is right here.

- What good's the cabin if we don't have a key?

- Oh, I forgot to mention.

I found the key in the closet

when we were oh so close to each other.

So Farley, are you gonna invite me to your dad's cabin?

- Yeah, um, I wanna get there a little early

and check it out though.

Why don't you meet me there at noon?

The next morning was like a trip back to reality for me.

I had such a great weekend

that I'd forgotten all about Mrs. Green's promise

to call my dad.

(telephone ringing)

But as soon as the phone rang, I knew it was over.

(telephone ringing)

- Hello?

(mysterious music)

Well, I'm sorry to hear about that, Mrs. Green.

He will be getting a talking to now,

and for weeks to come.

All right, goodbye.

That was Mrs. Green, Farley.

She said that the interview didn't go so well.

She also said that you were completely unprofessional

and that you don't have a future in any field whatsoever.

- I'll go get the shovel.

- No, this calls for more drastic measures.

First of all, you're not to see that harlot again.

- Her name is Scarlett.

- Second of all,

you're to donate your floating tube to Goodwill.

- But I use my floating tube all the time.

- Well, you should've thought about that

before you embarrassed the family, now go.

- No.

- Excuse me?

- No, I won't do it.

- You dare talk back to me after all I've done for you?

Stop, you go out that door, and there will be repercussions.

You'll be sorry, Farley Wilder!

- [Farley] I wanted to get out of Morgantown

once and for all.

Just start walking and never come back,

but first there was somewhere I needed to go.

Somewhere I hadn't been in years.

As a boy, I had been so happy there,

and then suddenly everything just went bad.

Everyone always said the Fensdale Woods were dangerous,

but I just had to see that cabin.

(mysterious music)

- Why do you continually disobey me?

Why do you feel the need to test

every rule I've made for you?

You asked me why we don't come out here.

It's because weird things happen out here,

and if the mayor wasn't in such denial,

he would've done something about it by now.

- I want to hear it from you once and for all,

why won't you just tell me what happened?

- Because it was all too painful.

Your mother was killed out here.

Saying she died in a car accident just made things tidy.

It was all so confusing.

- But if you just--

- It's my burden to bare.

You were just a child,

and children shouldn't have to be frightened

of mysterious deaths in the woods,

so I told you she died in a car accident.

And when you tell a story like that, you better stick to it.

Lest they lose faith in you,

but you lost faith in me anyways.

You lost faith in your father.

Why, I don't know?

I've tried for years and years

to break that rebellious streak out of you,

and nothing, nothing at all.

You are a stubborn, stubborn boy

who is only gonna do whatever you want to do.

Well, thanks to your stubbornness,

you put yourself in danger and that girl too.

As it looks like you two

were getting ready to have a little get together.

- That's right, Scarlett is planning to meet me here.

- These woods are so dangerous.

I don't even know if she's gonna make it here.

Why, son, why didn't you listen to me?

The rest of Morgantown listens to my advice.

I get paid good money to give good advice,

but my own son is so pig headed,

he'd rather risk a young girl's life,

than to admit that his father is right.

Well, I am right, and I've always been right.

Now, we're gonna finally figure out a way

to straighten out your life.

Now, I'm taking you home.

Are you disobeying me?

I'm only gonna say this once, get up.

(suspenseful music)

(Rick grunting)

(suspenseful music)

Farley, how could you?

- Like this (grunting).

He was finally dead and that's when I saw her.

Katie, she'd seen it all,

and now she needed to be killed.

(Katie screaming)

(suspenseful music)

- My trogs keep growing, Farley!

They're coming after me!

They're gonna eat me!

They're coming after me, Farley!

They're coming after me!

(Farley growling)

- What happened after that?

- Patience, Mrs. Timson.

Allow me to tell the story at my own pace.

Although I am getting a bit thirsty.

Now, where was I?

- Well, you just stabbed the hobo,

and you were basically, completely insane.

- Right.

(mysterious music)

- Hey, dude, a little help.

(suspenseful music)

- Playtime is over.

(suspenseful music)

- Dude, not cool.

(suspenseful music)

- [Air Force Ricky] Hey, freakmiester.

- [Farley] Busy!

- Too busy to talk to your old pal, Air Force Ricky?

Whoa, don't you know it's not polite to ignore people?

(suspenseful music)

- Recruitment day!

(girls gasps)

(Air Force Ricky screams)

(suspenseful music)

I was in a murderous rage, Mrs. Timson,

but I wasn't about to kill a poor, innocent little boy.

Finally, I made it to Katie's house.

She was about to pay for all those years of annoying me,

and agreeing with my dad.

She was about to pay the ultimate price, but then.

(brick thuds)

(suspenseful music)

- I need the police!

I called earlier.

Where are they?

(sirens wailing)

- When I woke up,

they told me it was the Ninja who did that to me.

Can you believe that Ninja?

What a wimp.

If we had fought face to face,

he wouldn't even have a chance.

Since then I've just been in here waiting to die.

Sometimes though, I do draw.

What?

- You're not telling me everything.

- Well, I did leave out

all the times I went to the bathroom,

but I figured it wasn't important to my story.

- Quit it, Farley.

Something happened in the woods

on the day that you killed everyone.

- Says who?

- Says me, the examiner says it was around noon

when your father was killed.

10 minutes later the hobo was dead.

Then it wasn't until four o'clock

when the football players died.

Now, you know as well as I

that it wouldn't take you four hours

to get back to town from Fensdale Woods,

especially for somebody who knows those woods

as well as you did.

You could've done it in 45 minutes.

- What're you suggesting, Mrs. Timson?

- I'm suggesting that something happened

during those four hours.

Something that you've never told anyone else about.

- And what makes you think I'd tell you?

- If what happened out there is what I think happened,

it'll be well worth your while.

It could give you a chance

to see the world outside these walls.

- Really?

- Yes, really.

- Well then, I never thought I'd tell this to anyone.

I thought I'd take this one to my grave,

but if it means what you say it might mean, why not?

Just after killing the hobo, I heard it,

I heard her, Scarlett's cries for help.

(Scarlett screaming)

And mixed in with her cries,

something unlike I've ever heard before.

An unholy sound, a monsters roar.

- Farley.

- Scarlett, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know there were beasts in these woods.

I never would've invited you here.

I'm so sorry.

- Farley, it's not your fault.

I need you to do something for me.

In my room, above the garage,

in my desk, in a box is my manuscript.

I need you to get it published for me,

after you check it for spelling and grammar, of course.

(suspenseful music)

- [Farley] She was dead.

My Scarlett was dead and gone forever.

Then I came face to face with her killers.

That's right, Mrs. Timson.

The trogs really did exist.

I didn't even need my knife.

I was so filled with rage.

They had killed Scarlett.

They had killed my mother.

They got what was coming to them.

(trogs growling) (suspenseful music)

After killing the monsters, I felt I could do anything,

but Katie was the first order of business.

I had to get her before she told the police.

- That's everything I need to know.

Thank you, Farley, we'll be in touch.

- But what about your end of the bargain?

I just revealed to you the only secret I've got left.

- And I'll make sure the right people find out about it.

Just give me a few days.

Farley, if you had to,

do you think you could kill those beasts again?

- You have no idea what I'm capable of, Mrs. Timson.

No idea at all.

(light piano music)

- [Radio Announcer] Luckily, these deaths have all happened

so deep in the woods

that nobody has had to witness such tragedy.

Yesterday's incident, however,

was the closest to town we've had,

causing some to criticize our fine mayor

for refusing the governors offer

to send in the National Guard.

Here's what the mayor had to say.

- [Mayor] Morgantown has always

taken care of its own problems,

and will continue to do so.

The only reason the governor or his army

should come to our town

is to take on our world famous Apple Bobbing Festival.

A wonderful event, fun for the whole family.

(suspenseful music)

- Hey, any visitors for me today?

- [Guard] No, nothing.

- This is Tess Howard.

She answers the phone here at City Hall.

We call her the communications director.

- [Dr. Timson] Mr. Mayor, may I begin?

- No, you may not.

This meeting is clearly confidential.

If anyone discovers

the woods are filled with the hungry trogs,

and not just routine grizzly bears,

no one will come to our Apple Bobbing Festival this year.

Do you understand?

Now, let's hear from our town witch.

- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

I'm fairly certain I've concocted the perfect potion

to rid this town of beasts once and for all.

If you'll provide me with the proper protection,

I'll go into the woods and take care of business.

- Well, sounds reasonable to me.

- But, Mr. Mayor.

- What is it?

- Over the past year,

we have sent some of our most resourceful men

into those woods,

and what has happened?

Each one of them has become

a delightful meal for these beasts.

There is one man who not only

survived his encounter with these beasts,

but he actually killed some of them.

- Farley Wilder has never admitted he killed those beasts.

- Until now that is.

- It's true, folks, Dr. Timson played me the tapes.

Farley really did kill those beasts.

- But we can't let this maniac go free.

He's killed so many innocent people.

- We won't give him any weapons this time.

He can kill them with his bare hands.

It's either him or the National Guard.

- There will be no National Guard coming to our town

for anything other than apple bobbing.

Let's not forget the town's witch's suggestion.

I happen to think she shows some potential.

- Mr. Mayor, you can't be serious.

- Just look at her.

She means business.

Farley's the only one who can kill these beasts,

but we know the one man that can stop Farley.

(light piano music)

- [Farley] Yes, freedom is mine!

- [Dr. Timson] Now, Farley,

the mayor has agreed to your request.

Each summer, one day a month,

you will be able to take

a relaxing tube ride down the river,

supervised, of course.

You will receive this reward only if the team is successful.

You will be going into the woods with two other people.

One will be Denise, the town witch,

who seems to think she can drive

the beasts off with a spell.

Apparently, the mayor was rather smitten

with this young girl,

and just couldn't refuse her.

The other will be Ninja.

- [Farley] Ninja?

- [Dr. Timson] That's right.

The mayor wants to make sure you won't try any funny stuff,

like coming into town to kill again,

so Ninja will be watching over you.

- [Farley] (chuckles) Ninja, I can't wait to see him again.

- Finally.

So, the infamous Farley.

Never expected to see you out and about again.

Do you see that you've got your arch nemesis here?

I've hired him to keep an eye on you.

One false move and he'll do you in like he did before.

Farley, do you understand me?

- Absolutely, Mr. Mayor.

- So it's true.

Can you really kill these beasts?

- That's right, Mr. Mayor,

and could kill you if I wanted to.

Luckily for you,

I don't feel much like killing you right now.

- You'll be free for one day,

then back to the loony bin where you belong.

Do you understand, Farley?

- Happy to help the city, Mr. Mayor.

What're we waiting for?

Let's kill some beasts.

(suspenseful music)

So, what's in the bag, witch?

Lots of things, my spellbook,

my divining powders, my healing berries.

- She seems pretty confident, doesn't she, Ninja?

- For your information, I am quite confident.

You'd be surprised by the power that nature has.

- Well, you'll be surprised by the powers my fists have.

(suspenseful music)

(Farley screams)

Just keeping you on your toes, Ninja.

- How much longer until we get there?

My feet are killing me.

Hello, are either one of you gonna answer me?

(suspenseful music)

- Trog tracks, and they're fresh.

We're probably close.

Time to start practicing your spells, witch.

- I was gonna practice anyway.

I'm not just doing it because you told me to.

Copper, copper, behold the law.

Twice the moon beyond the sky.

Reach to cut the golden bough.

Perish darkness, quell the lies.

- (chuckles) A lot of good

these nursery rhymes are gonna be.

(suspenseful music)

- Copper, copper, behold the law.

Twice the moon beyond the sky.

Reach to cut the golden bough.

Perish darkness, quell the lies.

(suspenseful music)

- This is it, witch, you're on.

- Unholy powder for unholy beast.

Unholy powder for unholy beast (screams).

Let me go, let me go!

(trog growling) (witch screaming)

- Hey, Ninja, you ready to watch a killing machine?

(suspenseful music)

(Farley screaming) (trog growling)

One trog down, who's next?

(trogs growling)

(suspenseful music)

(Farley screaming) (trogs growling)

(suspenseful music)

Hey, Ninja, you wanna finish this one off?

(suspenseful music)

(fist thuds)

(Farley chuckles)

Well, Ninja, guess it's time for you

to bring me back to the mayor.

Of course, you could always say

that you lost me out here in the wilderness.

No, you wouldn't do a thing like that.

You're an honorable Ninja, let's go.

(mysterious music)

Are you sure this is the place?

(fists thudding)

You're lucky I like you.

Otherwise, I would've left you in the woods (chuckles).

(mysterious music)

(knocking on door)

- Ninja, what happened?

Did the beasts get you?

Farley?

He's on the loose.

I have to warn the people now, the townspeople.

(mysterious music)

(telephone ringing)

(mysterious music)

- [Radio Announcer] W-M-O-R, more talk radio.

- Hi, you're listening to advice with Katie Reidy.

Each day I proudly dish out your daily dose of advice

in the spirit and tradition

of my mentor and advisor, Rick Wilder.

Right now, we have Lester on the line.

Thanks for calling, Lester.

- [Lester] Hi Katie, I just love your upbeat style.

- Ah, thanks a lot, Lester.

You know, having a positive outlook on life

is really important to one's success.

I honestly don't know where I'd be right now,

if I didn't look on the bright side of things.

(suspenseful music)

- [Lester] Same goes for me,

but the reason I'm calling

is that I have a bit of a problem.

You see, I usually have a booth

at the Morgantown Apple Bobbing Festival.

- Oh, hold on, Lester.

- [Lester] Okay.

- As most of you may know,

our fine mayor has a direct line to the station,

and apparently he's calling right now

with an important message.

Oh, hello, Mr. Mayor.

- [Mr. Mayor] Katie, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Convicted killer, Farley Wilder,

escaped from Manarmy Home for the Criminally Insane.

Direct all citizens of Morgantown stay in their homes,

lock their doors, and remain there until further notice.

The police force is on high alert.

Please continue to spread the word

to your listeners throughout the night, Katie.

(suspenseful music)

Do you understand me, Katie, Katie?

(Katie screams)

Katie!

- Hello, Morgantown, hello, Mr. Mayor,

and welcome to the first addition

of The Freaky Farley Show (laughing maniacally).

I'll be taking your calls.

(punk rock music)

♪ Hey, baby, I don't wanna win back time ♪

♪ Don't need to tell ya that you're out of line ♪

♪ Another thing that's going around ♪

♪ I don't need a love that'll bring me down, yeah ♪

♪ Forget about that without saying a word ♪

♪ You know it's all right, baby, I'll be heard ♪

♪ The ring pays better than playing rock and roll ♪

♪ My ship came in but my pockets are empty ♪

♪ My heart can't pay for the bills they send me ♪

♪ They say salvation is damn good for the soul ♪

♪ But there's only one way to do it ♪

♪ You better move it or lose it ♪

♪ There's only one way ♪

♪ Only one way to do it ♪

♪ Looking for an answer but I got no fill ♪

♪ Just waiting for the moment is what I do ♪

♪ Ain't no fun to wait another day ♪

♪ Shooting like a star right out of the sky ♪

♪ Faster than the eclipse of the TVI ♪

♪ I better burn out before I'm blown away ♪

♪ But there's only one way to do it ♪

♪ You better move it or lose it ♪

♪ There's only one way ♪

♪ Only one way to do it ♪

♪ There's only one way to do it ♪

♪ You better move it or lose it ♪

♪ There's only one way ♪

♪ Only one way to do it ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ You better lock your doors tonight ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ He's gonna fill you full of fear and fright ♪

♪ Well, since his mama died ♪

♪ It's just him and his dad ♪

♪ Who makes him dig a hole when he does something bad ♪

♪ He starts believing everybody ♪

♪ When they call him a freak ♪

♪ Until Scarlett comes to town ♪

♪ And befriends him for a week ♪

♪ Instead of spying on girls ♪

♪ Now he's with a real one ♪

♪ They go around town and they have lots of fun ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ You better lock your doors tonight ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ He's gonna fill you full of fear and fright ♪

♪ Well, he kills his dad in a cabin of logs ♪

♪ Then he finds that Scarlett has been killed by the trogs ♪

♪ He kills the trogs and everyone in town ♪

♪ He would've kept killing but Ninja took him down ♪

♪ But it's not his fault ♪

♪ He's a tormented soul ♪

♪ No, it's not his fault ♪

♪ He was out of control ♪

♪ But it's not his fault ♪

♪ It was his daddy's abuse ♪

♪ No, it's not his fault ♪

♪ But still that ain't no excuse ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ You better lock your doors tonight ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ Gonna fill you full of fear and fright ♪

♪ And now the mayor's in a jam ♪

♪ And the trogs are back again ♪

♪ He takes a risk and frees Farley from his chain ♪

♪ He tells him kill the trogs with the Ninja as his guard ♪

♪ But Farley won't be stopped ♪

♪ For him it's not hard ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ You better lock your doors tonight ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ He's gonna fill you full of fear and fright ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ You better lock your doors tonight ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ He's gonna fill you full of fear and fright ♪

♪ Freaky Farley is coming for you ♪

♪ You better lock your doors tonight ♪